Relationships: How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focusing on the 5 Stages of Relationships in my recent articles:

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage

In the current article, I'm focusing on the Commitment Stage and how to navigate changes in this stage of your relationship.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

As a recap: The 5 Relationship Stages including the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Commitment Stage of a Relationship?

The Commitment Stage usually occurs after two or more years.

The Commitment Stage includes:

• An acceptance of each other flaws and annoying habits

• An awareness that the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative aspects

• An increased comfort with each other than in the prior stages

• A feeling of safety and security in the relationship

What Are the Challenges of the Commitment Stage?

• Continue improving your communication skills (see my article: Improving Communication Skills: Do You Want to Be Heard, Helped or Hugged?

• Assess if your needs and wants are being responded to by your partner and vice versa

• Maintain an awareness of the goals you and your partner have set

• Become aware of the sexual intimacy in your relationship and if the need for security and safety have decreased the sexual intimacy (see my article:  Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the challenges of the Commitment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Bill

Three years into their relationship, Jane and Bill got engaged. 

At that point, they were living together for two years and they felt comfortable, secure and emotionally safe with each other.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They had already navigated the challenges of Honeymoon, Uncertainty and Adjustment Stages, but they were having problems with sexual intimacy in their relationship so they sought help from a couples therapist who was also a certified sex therapist.

In their couples therapy they realized that their relationship, which was once passionate and exciting, had transitioned into almost a friendship once they became emotionally secure and safe with each other.

While they were happy that they felt close to each other, they missed the sexual passion they once experienced in the earlier part of their relationship.

Their couples/sex therapist helped them to keep their emotional intimacy while improving their sexual intimacy. 

They realized they had gradually let go of the sexual part of their relationship which got crowded out by work and personal obligations. 

They didn't expect sex to be as exciting as it had been during the Honeymoon Stage of their relationship, but they wanted to have more satisfying sex.

Although they were reluctant to do it at first, they learned to schedule sex so it didn't get crowded out of their schedule (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

They realized that, before they lived together, the longing and anticipation during the early stage of their relationship was no longer present (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned from their couples/sex therapist about spontaneous and responsive desire and that most couples who have been together for a while experience responsive desire.

Responsive desire means they might not feel sexually turned on before they begin to have sex, but they could get turned on once they start (see my article: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire Are Both Common and Normal).

Both Jane and Bill were skeptical at first, but they agreed to include sex in their schedule and realized that it was true that once they began kissing, they both got turned on and could have satisfying sex.

How to Navigate the Commitment Stage of a Relationship

They also learned about certain sex therapy techniques like the simmer technique which helped them to simmer sexual desire between their sexual encounters (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Simmering Technique).

With help in couples/sex therapy, Jane and Bill learned to have passionate sex again.

Conclusion

One of the potential problems of the Commitment Stage is that the security and safety of the relationship can transform the relationship into a friendship or roommate situation.

This change can occur so gradually that it might take a couple a while to realize that sex has gone out the window.

The good news is that a couple can revive their sex life so they can have satisfying sex again with the help of a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy (most couples therapists are not trained in sex therapy).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

If your problems include sexual problems, see a therapist who is also a certified sex therapist.

Working with a licensed therapist who has an expertise related to your problems can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focused on navigating various relationship stages in relationships in the last couple of article.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

    See my prior articles: 

How to Navigate the 5 Stages of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In the current article, I'm focusing on how couples can navigate the Adjustment Stage.

As a recap: There are 5 Relationship Stages including the 

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Adjustment Stage?

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, money, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the unique problems associated with the Adjustment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Tina and Joe

Two and a half years into their relationship, Tina and Joe moved in together in an apartment in New York City.

Soon after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about money.  Tina considered herself to be a saver and Joe thought of himself as a spender.

Tina didn't realize how much debt Joe had until they moved in together and she saw his bills coming in the mail. She was shocked that he owed over $25,000 in credit card debt and he didn't seem worried about it.  This debt was on top of his student loans, which were significant.

Although they kept their money in separate accounts and they were both high earners, Tina worried that they would have to wait longer than she anticipated to buy a co-op apartment. 

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

When she broached the topic with Joe, she felt dismissed. He said he wasn't worried about it at all because he knew he could pay off the credit card debt with money his parents would give him if he asked them (see my article: How to Stop Arguing About Money).

Tina told Joe she felt anxious with his asking his parents for money because she wanted them to live within a budget. She felt his parents could be intrusive at times and if they lent him money, they would want to be involved in their decision-making. 

At the same time, she knew this was his debt and she wasn't sure if she had the right to tell him how to handle it.

This lead to a discussion about their relationship goals including their goal to buy a co-op apartment in Manhattan.  She had no outstanding debt, but she worried that they might be denied a mortgage due to Joe's high debt (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

After several big arguments, they began couples therapy to sort out these issues. During couples therapy, Joe learned active listening skills instead of dismissing Tina's concerns (see my article: Relationships: Arguing About Money).

Tina admitted that she had many sleepless nights worrying about Joe's debt and what they might mean for buying an apartment. She learned in couples therapy how to calm herself so she could sleep at night.

Prior to talking in couples therapy, Joe had not taken his credit card debt seriously, but once they talked about it in terms of buying a Manhattan apartment, he realized he needed to be more aware of his spending habits.

During their couples therapy sessions Joe and Tina were able to clarify their relationship goals which helped Joe feel more comfortable with being on a budget.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

Joe also realized that he had been too financially dependent on his parents and this dependence came with strings. Specifically, his parents felt they could tell him what to do, which he never liked.

Both Tina and Joe developed increased self awareness in couples therapy. They  also learned to work together as a team to resolve their problems.

Staying within a budget was a difficult adjustment at first for Joe, but as he and Tina began looking at co-op apartments online, he felt motivated to make sacrifices now for their future together.

Eventually, Joe paid down his debt and he and Tina began attending open houses to purchase a co-op.

Conclusion

As mentioned in earlier articles, relationship stages don't always occur in a linear way.  These stages can come up at any time.

Making changes can be challenging, but when couples have relationship goals, they're usually able to put these adjustments in context for their goals (similar to Joe and Tina in the vignette above).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In my previous article, How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages, I described the five stages of a relationship which includes the:

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

In the current article, I'm exploring the Uncertainty Stage in more detail. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

As a recap:

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty as to whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

A Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette illustrates the problems couples encounter in the Uncertainty Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Molly and Ray

Molly and Ray were in their  mid-30s.

Two and a half years into their relationship, they were arguing more. The initial passion they felt for each other during the first six months, which is known as the Honeymoon Stage, had subsided and they were arguing about wedding planning.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Their main problem centered around religion. Molly was raised in a conservative Jewish family and Ray was raised in a Catholic family. Neither of them were religious anymore and they knew they didn't want to have children, but they also knew both their families would want them to have a wedding that reflected their particular religious beliefs. 

Since they couldn't work these issues out on their own, they decided to seek help in couples therapy. 

In couples therapy they learned how to communicate in a healthier way and respect each other's perspectives. They realized that neither of them wanted a religious ceremony, but they also didn't want to disappoint their parents. 

Over time, they approached this problem as a team and each of them felt more confident about dealing with their families.

After Molly spoke to them, her parents were very angry and they said they would not come to the wedding. 

Ray's parents were very disappointed after he spoke to them, but they had accepted long ago that, unlike them, Ray was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Initially, Molly didn't think she could go through with a secular wedding which her parents would refuse to attend. At one point, she wondered if they should break up rather than alienate their families.  But, as they continued to attend their couples sessions, she felt more confident that she could stand up to her family. She realized she couldn't control them and she accepted she had to make her own decisions. Shortly after that, she and Ray got engaged.

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

Molly accepted that her parents had cut her off, but then she was shocked to hear from her mother, who had been doing her own soul searching. She told her that she and Molly's father wanted her to be happy and they decided to come to the wedding. 

Navigating the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

After the wedding, Molly and Ray continued in couples therapy to work on compromises related to smaller issues like certain annoying habits they each had. By then, their communication skills had improved so they were able to discuss issues in a calmer manner.

Over time, their relationship evolved from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage regarding their issues. 

During their marriage they had other challenges where they were back in the Uncertainty Stage, but they had the skills and tools they learned in couples therapy to get them through these times.

Conclusion

As mentioned in my previous article, the 5 Stages of a Relationship are presented in a linear way for the sake of clarity, but couples don't necessarily go through the stages in a linear way.  It's possible they can skip certain stages at various points in their relationship and then go through them at other points.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in a particular stage of your relationship, you can seek help from an experienced couples therapist to help you work through these issues.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you navigate certain problems to either strengthen your relationship or help you to end it in as amicable way as possible.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps couples.  

Also See My Article:

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples are unaware that relationships change over time and there are usually several stages a couple can go through.  

It's not surprising that couples don't always know about these different stages because hardly anyone outside the mental health field talks about it.

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Knowing about these stages can help you to navigate and adapt to the changes.

Of course, every relationship goes at its own pace so, even though approximate times are provided in this article as to when these changes occur, they might not occur in exactly this way for you.

The stages are presented in a linear way in this article for the sake of clarity, but couples can go through different stages at different times or go back to previous stages depending upon what is happening in the relationship.

In this article, I'm providing an overview of the stages and the particular challenges for each stage.

In future articles I'll provide more details about each stage from the Uncertainty Stage to the Acceptance Stage (in prior articles, I've written about the Honeymoon Stage--see my article: What is the Honeymoon Stage of a Relationship?).

Why Do Relationships Change?

Relationships change because each person evolves and changes over time. 

Personal growth, increased self awareness, expanding your worldview and many other changes contribute to the changes in a relationship (see my article: What is the Growth Mindset vs the Fixed Mindset?),

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

Many couples make an effort to grow together and others develop independently. 

One way isn't necessarily better than another. But if one person is dedicated to personal development and expanding their world and the other person isn't, the couple can grow apart (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Are Growing Apart).

If the couple realizes they are growing apart, they can work towards deepening their connection and sharing more of themselves with each other (see my article: How You and Your Partner Can Get Closer If You Have Grown Apart).

What Are the 5 Stages of a Relationship?

• The Honeymoon Stage: This stage lasts anywhere from six months to several years. This phase is also known as the Limerence Stage.  This is the stage where you're both getting to know each other. You're probably on your best behavior during this stage. You might also have an idealized view of each other (see my article: Relationships: The Real vs the Ideal)

• Challenges of the Honeymoon Stage

• Overlooking red flags

• Being inconsistent with commitments

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Developing good communication with each other 

• Setting relationship goals (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship)

• Beginning to recognize early signs of possible incompatibility (see my article: How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Stage)

• The Uncertainty Stage: This stage occurs anywhere from six months to two years. At this point, you're no longer idealizing each other. You might recognize certain incompatibilities. You and your partner are recognizing that neither of you is "perfect". You will both need to consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh the negative ones. 

• Challenges of the Uncertainty Stage
• Feeling disappointed that the initial Honeymoon Stage is over and the relationship lacks the "head over heels" intensity that you experienced in that earlier stage

• Being able to deal with uncertainty of whether you want to continue in the relationship

• Focusing on both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship (and not just the negative)

• Discovering your partner's and your own flaws and annoying habits

• Working on your communication skills in the relationship to talk about these challenging aspects of the relationship

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

• The Commitment Stage: If you both decide that what's good about the relationship outweighs whatever is challenging, you can accept that you're both in the relationship for the long term. 

• Challenges of the Commitment Stage
• Being willing to accept your partner's flaws and annoying habits because what's good about the relationship outweighs the problems and this gives you a better perspective about the relationship

Navigating the 5 Relationship Stages

• Being willing to fine tune your relationship skills including communication skills and problem solving skills

• The Acceptance Stage: This stage often occurs beyond five years. When you and your partner are able to overcome the challenges of the prior stages, you can develop a sense of safety and security in the relationship

• Challenges of the Acceptance Stage
• Too much safety and security and feeling like you're both "family" which can help you both to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of your relationship. But safety and security sometimes comes at the expense of a satisfying sex life for many couples (Balancing Security and Eroticism in Your Relationship).

• You might need to learn to keep your sex life satisfying by being more self aware in terms of what part of yourself you bring to your sexual encounters. You can also learn how to create sexual anticipation to spice up your sex life in your long term relationship (see my article: Creating Sexual Desire With the Simmer Technique).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with one of thsee stages, you could benefit from getting help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work on the issues affecting your relationship.

If you both want to stay in the relationship, a skilled couples therapist can help you to navigate the changes you need to make.

A skilled couples therapist won't have a particular agenda--whether you stay together or not. 

If you want to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you to end the relationship in a healthy way and, if you have children, discuss how to talk to your children and how to co-parent when you're no longer together.

Also See My Articles:

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -New York City Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship?

After experiencing heartbreak, disappointment or betrayal, many people are afraid or ambivalent about making a commitment in a new relationship.  Instead. they hold back emotionally so they don't allow themselves to be fully in the relationship.  Emotional vulnerability is scary for them.  This can cause problems if the partner is ready to make a commitment (see my articles: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment? and An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Are You Holding Back Emotionally in Your Relationship

People Who Are in Denial About Holding Back Often Make Excuses to Themselves and Others

People who hold back emotionally often don't realize what they're doing.  They're often in denial because they don't want to see themselves as being emotionally withholding with their partner, so they make up "reasons" for their behavior, including:

• They "Don't Like Labels:" The idea of "no labels" between two people allows each person a lot of latitude, especially if both people agree that they won't put a label on who they are to each other.  But it can also cause confusion and misunderstandings: Are you dating? In a relationship? Friends with benefits? Polyamorous?  Even if both people agree to "no labels," one or both people often have unspoken expectations that don't match up.  Unless it's a short term affair, it's unusual for two people to sustain "no labels" indefinitely.

• They Want to Keep Their Options Open: Some people don't want to commit because they're afraid of missing out on being with someone new, someone better looking or "better" in some other way.  They're not done playing the field--they want to hold onto the main person they're seeing and continue to keep their options open for other people.  Or, they have one primary person and then several other people "on the side."

• They're Too Busy People Pleasing in a Superficial Way: They're not sure how they feel because they tend to put the other person's feelings first. Rather than focus on what they want, they focus on what the other person wants or, at least, give lip service to it.  Often, they will tell the other person what s/he wants to hear, but there's no substance to it.  

• They Prefer Shallow Relationships: People who prefer shallow relationships hold back their emotions because they don't want anything that's emotionally intimate.  Making an emotional commitment or even having a deep conversation is frightening to them.  Instead of "making love," they're "having sex" so it's mostly physical for them.

• They Have One Foot Out the Door At All Times and They Know All the Escape Routes: Instead of making a commitment, they already have one foot out the door, which is why they never get emotionally invested.  They never introduce the person they're seeing to their family or close friends.  They might be reluctant to move in together, and there's no talk of deepening the relationship.  They might initiate an argument or try to provoke the other person into leaving them so they don't feel guilty about the relationship ending.

• People Who Are Aware They're Holding Back Were Often Hurt in Prior Relationships: After several experiences of getting hurt in prior relationships. these people are often too afraid to take an emotional risk again. They're often ambivalent about making a commitment.  On the one hand, they want to love and feel loved, but they dread getting hurt.  They might vacillate back and forth trying to deal with their ambivalence. At times, it might appear that they'll make a commitment and then it's like a switch gets turned off and then they're unwilling to make the commitment.  This is usually painful for both people involved.

The Person Who Holds Back is Often With the Person Who is a "Fixer"

Whether you're the person who is having a problem making a commitment or you're in a relationship with someone who can't make a commitment, you're in a painful place.

Over time, to a greater or lesser degree, most people want a stable relationship.  For people who are holding back, their fears keep them stuck.  

People, who want a committed "forever" relationship and who remain with someone who is unable to make a commitment, focus on trying to "fix" or manipulate the other person to get what they want.  They don't want to see that the other person can't or won't give them what they want, so they continue to try to manipulate the situation to try to get what they want.  If and when they realize that they were wasting their time, they feel a lot of anger and resentment.

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the person holding back or the person who is trying to "fix" the person who is holding back, you're in a painful place.

In either case, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist to help you understand and overcome the underlying issues that keep you stuck.

Rather than continuing to engage in patterns that keep you stuck, get help so you can overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck and you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 724-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: 5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

Researchers have recently discovered that being friends first before dating someone is beneficial in the long run for a successful romantic relationship (see my article: Dating: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

In a study called "Love at First Sight or Friends First?" Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra looked at 137 couples who were either married or living together and discovered that being friends first offered couples greater emotional stability and relationship success than "love at first sight" (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction For Love).

Being Friends First Before Dating Offers More Emotional Stability in a Relationship

They discovered that, although "love at first sight" developed into a romantic relationship more quickly, these relationships exhibited more dissimilarity in terms of personalty characteristics and compatibility.

5 Reasons to Be Friends First Before Dating Someone

• You have gotten to know someone first instead of wondering about this person based only on sexual attraction so you can assess if the two of you are compatible.
• You are more likely to share similar interests than a "love at first sight" relationship.
• You have gotten to know your friend in different circumstances, both positive and negative, over time rather than falling head over heels and projecting what you want onto the other person.
• You and your friend are more likely to have been more emotionally supportive of one another over time so you get to see if this person will be there for you when times are rough.
• You are more likely to form a more emotionally intimate and committed relationship with someone you have been friends with first.

Take the Time to Get to Know Someone First

The researchers concluded that people who take the time to get to know someone first have more similar personality traits than people who immediately jump into a relationship.  

In the long run, taking the time to get to know a potential romantic partner provides an opportunity to form a stronger emotional foundation than relationships based "love at first sight." 

You can form a friendship that turns into relationship based on being drawn to each other and enjoying each other's company. Over time you become familiar with your friend's life and you also get to see this person's quirks.

In addition, when you get to know someone over time you learn whether you can trust them, which is the bedrock of any successful romantic relationship.

Sometimes people raise the objection that they don't think they can transition from being friends to forming a romantic relationship because they don't feel that love at first sight feeling. But relationships that start as friendships often have an element of sexual attraction to them even in the friendship phase (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love).

Conclusion

Romantic relationships that start as friendships are often more successful in the long run than relationships that form based on sexual attraction only.

A friends first relationship offers an opportunity to assess compatibility, trustworthiness and commitment.

About Me

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

Committed relationships usually go through five main stages from attraction to commitment.  Each stage has its own rewards and challenges (see my article: Is It Love or Infatuation?). 

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment:

Many couples never make it passed Stage One or Two.  Other couples get stuck in one of the various stages prior to commitment for various reasons (to be discussed below). However, with commitment, patience and good communication, couples can make it to Stage 5 and beyond.

Here are the five main stages of love:

• Stage One: The Attraction Stage: Most couples in a dating relationship go through this stage. Typically, it lasts anywhere from a few months to two years.  This is the heady, fun time in a new relationship. It's the time in a relationship when you're head over heels about your partner. There's a lot of chemistry between you--so much so that you feel "high" from all those endorphins coursing through your body. During this stage, couples tend to focus on similarities and ignore differences and potential problems (some people don't just ignore these problems--they don't see them because they're so infatuated with their partner). It's also the time when you spend a lot of time fantasizing about their partner.  You also spend a lot of time together and tend to have a lot of sex.  Since you're focusing on similarities, you also tend to avoid conflict (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

• Stage Two: The Reality Stage: After the initial "getting to know you" stage where emotions, chemistry, and fantasies about your partner are prevalent, reality slowly begins to sink in. Rather than continuing to idealize your partner, you begin to see your partner and your relationship more realistically.  This is the stage where you see each other's flaws and the possible incompatibilities between the two of you.  The endorphins from Stage One tend to level off during this stage, and it can feel like a letdown. Whereas you ignored differences and potential problems during Stage One, now you see them and you might wonder how you missed them before. Many of the things you found endearing before might feel annoying now. This is often the stage when many relationships end for a variety of reasons, including: 

• There isn't enough substance to the relationship to keep it going.
• The couple discovers they're incompatible.
• One or both people want to continue to have heady romantic feelings so they seek out other partners to go through Stage One again, and so on (see my article: Falling In Love With the Fantasy and Not the Reality).
• And so on

• Stage Three: The Disappointment Stage: If you make it past Stage Two, you're likely to enter into the Disappointment Stage.  This is the stage where the two of you begin to argue. You might argue about big things or little things.  Before this, you and your partner probably managed to avoid arguing, especially during Stage One. If one or both of you are uncomfortable with arguing and see it as a negative thing, you might end the relationship. But arguing isn't inherently negative.  If you can communicate well with each other, it's possible that the two of you can work through your differences and the relationship could be stronger for it. 

• Stage Four: Stability Stage: If you can get through the disappointment of Stage Three, you can work towards having a more stable relationship. You might feel a little bored because you're no longer in that heady romantic stage, but having a more stable, mature, trusting relationship can be more gratifying and enhance your state of well-being. Not only have you accepted your own and your partner's flaws and differences and the inevitable arguments that occur from time to time, you now begin to see a long term future for your relationship. If you're unable to cope with the inevitable boredom that occurs at this stage, you might cheat in order to relieve your boredom and get "high" from a new attraction that's passionate (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

The 5 Main Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment

• Stage Five: The Commitment Stage: The two of you make a commitment to have a long-term relationship.  You both have a vision of your future together--whether this involves marriage or living together. If you make it to this stage, your relationship has reached a more mature, enduring phase. You can endure the occasional boredom because you know that what you have is a deeper kind of love as compared to the earlier stages.

• Beyond the Commitment Stage: If you choose to have children, you'll go through the Parenthood Stage with its own unique rewards and challenges. And if you continue to stay together, couples go through the Mature Love Stage where the children are living on their own independently, and you could be dealing with issues related to taking care of elderly parents.  

The Challenges of Navigating Through the Stages of Love

As previously mentioned, being aware of the Stages of Love can help you anticipate what you'll go through as a couple so you won't be surprised.

Many couples don't make it passed the first one or two stages.  Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some people lack the emotional maturity or they lack the desire for a committed relationship. 

For other couples, real and significant problems come up during the Reality Stage and they recognize that they're not really compatible or they want different things, so it makes sense to breakup.  But even couples who are willing to work towards a committed relationship can get stuck in one of the stages.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you work through your issues--whether you decide to stay together or not.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to understand your relationship dynamics so you can either work out your differences or to part amicably (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experience therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.