Relationships: How to Navigate the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

I have been focused on navigating various relationship stages in relationships in the last couple of article.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

    See my prior articles: 

How to Navigate the 5 Stages of a Relationship

How to Navigate the Uncertainty Stage of a Relationship

In the current article, I'm focusing on how couples can navigate the Adjustment Stage.

As a recap: There are 5 Relationship Stages including the 

• Honeymoon Stage
• Uncertainty Stage
• Adjustment Stage
• Commitment Stage
• Acceptance Stage

For a detailed explanation of each stage, see my prior article.

What is the Adjustment Stage?

• The Adjustment Stage: Around two years or shortly after, you and your partner will enter into the adjustment stage, assuming you were both able to get through the prior stages. The changes in this stage are often more deep-seated and more challenging. For instance, you might realize you both have developed different views about sex, religion, money, politics or child-rearing. You can both see whether the two of you can have a longer term relationship or if you're not compatible and you will each go your separate ways.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

• Challenges of the Adjustment Stage
• Being aware of certain negative patterns in the relationship

• Deciding if you're open to negotiating your individual differences

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the unique problems associated with the Adjustment Stage and how couples therapy can help:

Tina and Joe

Two and a half years into their relationship, Tina and Joe moved in together in an apartment in New York City.

Soon after they moved in together, they realized they had different views about money.  Tina considered herself to be a saver and Joe thought of himself as a spender.

Tina didn't realize how much debt Joe had until they moved in together and she saw his bills coming in the mail. She was shocked that he owed over $25,000 in credit card debt and he didn't seem worried about it.  This debt was on top of his student loans, which were significant.

Although they kept their money in separate accounts and they were both high earners, Tina worried that they would have to wait longer than she anticipated to buy a co-op apartment. 

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

When she broached the topic with Joe, she felt dismissed. He said he wasn't worried about it at all because he knew he could pay off the credit card debt with money his parents would give him if he asked them (see my article: How to Stop Arguing About Money).

Tina told Joe she felt anxious with his asking his parents for money because she wanted them to live within a budget. She felt his parents could be intrusive at times and if they lent him money, they would want to be involved in their decision-making. 

At the same time, she knew this was his debt and she wasn't sure if she had the right to tell him how to handle it.

This lead to a discussion about their relationship goals including their goal to buy a co-op apartment in Manhattan.  She had no outstanding debt, but she worried that they might be denied a mortgage due to Joe's high debt (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

After several big arguments, they began couples therapy to sort out these issues. During couples therapy, Joe learned active listening skills instead of dismissing Tina's concerns (see my article: Relationships: Arguing About Money).

Tina admitted that she had many sleepless nights worrying about Joe's debt and what they might mean for buying an apartment. She learned in couples therapy how to calm herself so she could sleep at night.

Prior to talking in couples therapy, Joe had not taken his credit card debt seriously, but once they talked about it in terms of buying a Manhattan apartment, he realized he needed to be more aware of his spending habits.

During their couples therapy sessions Joe and Tina were able to clarify their relationship goals which helped Joe feel more comfortable with being on a budget.

Navigating the Adjustment Stage of a Relationship

Joe also realized that he had been too financially dependent on his parents and this dependence came with strings. Specifically, his parents felt they could tell him what to do, which he never liked.

Both Tina and Joe developed increased self awareness in couples therapy. They  also learned to work together as a team to resolve their problems.

Staying within a budget was a difficult adjustment at first for Joe, but as he and Tina began looking at co-op apartments online, he felt motivated to make sacrifices now for their future together.

Eventually, Joe paid down his debt and he and Tina began attending open houses to purchase a co-op.

Conclusion

As mentioned in earlier articles, relationship stages don't always occur in a linear way.  These stages can come up at any time.

Making changes can be challenging, but when couples have relationship goals, they're usually able to put these adjustments in context for their goals (similar to Joe and Tina in the vignette above).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.