Relationships: Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

It's not unusual for people in relationships to find their partner's habits annoying. 

This usually isn't discussed when people are considering moving in together or getting married.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Sometimes people get caught in the trap of trying to change their partner, which tends to backfire (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change Your Partner).

When you and your partner live together, it's inevitable you will both experience moments of annoyance with each other. These moments might involve annoying habits you weren't aware of when you were dating (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Since you are two different people with your own unique personalities, values, habits and quirks, there are bound to be things that bother each of you. 

It's not a matter of whether you and your partner discover annoying habits about each other but rather how you will handle these situations.

Common Situations That People in Relationships Find Annoying

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have heard many clients complain about their partner's habits including:

• Arriving late without an apology or reason
• Forgetting to do chores on a consistent basis
• Leaving clothes on the floor
• Ignoring personal hygiene
• Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Not acknowledging or appreciating a partner's efforts
• Chewing loudly
• Looking at their phone a lot when they are supposed to be spending quality time together
• Drinking directly from a carton and putting the carton back in the refrigerator
• Nitpicking
• Leaving the toilet seat up
• And many other examples

How to Cope With Your Partner's Annoying Habits and Be Open to Hearing About Your Own

What one person finds annoying might not be at all annoying to someone else. So, don't be surprised if your partner has a hard time accepting that their habits are annoying or that when your partner tells you what they find annoying that you're also in denial.

Steps to Addressing and Hearing About Annoying Habits:

• Communicate Tactfully and with Empathy: Rather than waiting until you have reached your limit, talk to your partner in a calm and tactful way.  Chances are your partner isn't trying to be annoying (just as you're not trying to annoy your partner with your habits) so give them the benefit of the doubt.  A little empathy can go a long way.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Find a Convenient Time to Talk: Rather than having a conversation on the fly while your partner is racing out the door for work, find a convenient time for each of you where you can sit down calmly to discuss things.

• Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes and Be Flexible: You might feel that you have the best way for doing household chores, but your partner's way might be equally good. For instance, your way might be to wash the dishes as soon as you finish eating, but your partner might prefer to relax first. Neither way is right or wrong--just different.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Be Patient and Find a Compromise: For example, your partner might not be as good as you are with planning their time so they tend to arrive late. While they are in the process of learning to manage their time better, instead of looking at your watch and getting increasingly angry, can you use the time to answer an email, call a friend or read a newspaper article on your phone? You can both agree this is a temporary compromise as your partner is developing better time management skills.

• Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Often when people get fed up with their partner's habits, they unleash a barrage of criticism against their partner. They might also "kitchen sink" their partner by telling them about all their annoying habits at once, which can be overwhelming for your partner to hear. So, make sure you start with some positive feedback so you don't hurt your partner's feelings with only negative feedback  (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

• Choose Your Battles: Think about what's most important to you. Maybe you live with your partner forgetting to put the toilet seat down, but you can't stand it when your partner leaves clothes on the floor. 

Are You Focusing on Annoying Habits When There Are More Serious Problems in the Relationship?

Sometimes couples argue about annoying habits when there are more serious underlying  problems in the relationship that they are either unaware of or they are reluctant to address.

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can avoid talking about serious problems in the relationship by focusing on annoying habits:

June and Roger

During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, June and Roger were in a long distance relationship. 

June lived in New York City and Roger lived in Dallas, so they only saw each other once or twice a month. During that time, they were so in love with each other that they couldn't wait to be together.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Six months into the relationship, Roger accepted a job in New York City and he moved in with June.  Initially, they were both so happy to be together, but over time, they began to argue over seemingly little things.

After they sought help in couples therapy, Jane complained that Roger was constantly texting on his phone--even when they had carved out special time to be together.  Roger said he tried to put away his phone, but he felt he had to respond promptly to texts.

They agreed to a compromise where Roger would put his phone away when they were out to dinner and only check it as they were leaving the restaurant or when they got home. But Roger had a hard time not looking at his phone during the dinner and June felt frustrated with him and disrespected.

Then, during one of their couples therapy sessions June mentioned reluctantly that she thought Roger was texting another woman. In response, Roger got quiet. 

When the couples therapist asked him for his reaction, Roger hesitated to speak, but then he admitted he was getting texts from his ex-girlfriend in Dallas, who wanted to get back together with him. 

He said she had been very dependent upon him when they were together and he felt he had to respond to her desperate texts (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?)

All the while when they were arguing about his texting during dinner, June sensed there was more to this problem, but she was in denial at that point. As a result, they were both reluctant to address the problem and their conversations focused on his phone use instead of the fact that he was secretly communicating with an ex-girlfriend.

Over time, June and Roger worked on her sense of betrayal and Roger's inability to set limits with his former girlfriend. He was clear that he didn't want to get back with her, but he was ambivalent about giving up his role in her life.

After June gave him an ultimatum to either stop communicating with his ex or she would leave him, Roger set limits with his ex and he blocked her on his phone. 

He also got into his own individual therapy to work on how unresolved childhood trauma related to his role as a parentified child contributed to his current problems.

Conclusion

It's common for couples to discover each other's annoying habits. 

Communicating with empathy can help your partner to understand why you find their habit annoying. You also need to develop an openness and willingness to hear about your own annoying habits.

There are times when couples focus on annoying habits as a way to avoid dealing with bigger problems like in the clinical vignette above.  

It's important to deal with underlying problems that might be causing problems in your relationship rather than tiptoeing around these problems.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Once you have worked through your issues, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.