As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have worked with many clients who have problems with resentment.
This is why I'm focusing on resentment in relationships in the current article.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
What is Resentment?
Resentment is an emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or treated unfairly which often includes hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment and bitterness.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
Although disappointment and frustration are common experiences in adulthood, when these feelings become overwhelming in a relationship, this often leads to resentment.
What Causes Resentment?
Resentment can be caused under many circumstances.
Here are some of the most common causes:
- Feeling unseen or unheard
- Having unrealistic expectations
- Feeling disrespected and taken for granted
- Divergent goals and priorities
How Does Resentment Build Over Time?
Although there are no official stages of resentment, resentment can build over time from mild to severe.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
Someone can start by feeling hurt, but if the problems in the relationship continue and/or they are uncommunicated, these feelings can escalate to hatred and a wish for revenge.
Over time, when one or both partners in a relationship feel resentful, the relationship can become tense and they might consciously or unconsciously avoid each other.
Why is Letting Go of Resentment Difficult At Times?
One or both partners might have problems letting go of resentment, especially if there is a tendency to ruminate about perceived or actual wrongdoing.
Difficulty with letting go can be exacerbated by a traumatic history in prior relationships or in a family history where the current situation can trigger resentment from the past.
How to Identify the Signs of Resentment
Healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty and an ability to be emotionally vulnerable with one another.
When a partner feels resentment, they might feel less inclined to communicate their feelings with their partner. What often happens instead is that the resentful partner suppresses their feelings and shuts down emotionally.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
They might not even realize they're suppressing feelings because emotional suppression can happen in a fraction of a second so they might be unaware, but their partner might sense their emotional distance.
When anger, bitterness and hostility take over, communication can break down and the resentful partner might not respond to their partner's gestures for connection.
This could mean that they stop talking to their partner when they're together and ignore phone calls and texts when they're apart.
How Can Resentment Affect Your Emotional and Physical Well-Being?
Resentment is often a sign that you haven't dealt with a situation in an effective way.
If you haven't processed your feelings, you can put yourself at risk for:
- A compromised immune system
How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship
If you feel resentment, you can try to communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and thoughtful way.
Some people who feel overwhelmed by resentment find it useful to do their own writing about it first to sort out their feelings so they can be calm when they talk to their partner.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
If you're upset and angry when you talk to your partner, your partner might not hear you because they might get defensive if you're blaming them for the problems in the relationship.
Remember that it takes two people to create a relationship so it's rare for all the problems to be your partner's fault.
If you feel your resentment has become unmanageable for you, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to sort out your feelings and learn how to deal with resentment.
This can be especially beneficial if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past.
Even if your current circumstances are triggering unresolved problems, this doesn't mean that there aren't problems to be worked out in your relationship. In other words, the current issues can still be relevant even if they are exacerbated by past experiences.
You and your partner can also benefit from couples therapy if the problems are longstanding or if the two of you haven't been able to work out issues on your own.
What Are Perpetual Problems in Relationships?
There might be certain problems, which are called "perpetual problems", that you won't be able to resolve and, if you want to stay together, you have to learn to manage your feelings around them instead of expecting things to change or remaining resentful.
Dr. John Gottman, who is a relationship expert and the author of many books on relationships, estimates that a whopping 69% of relationship problems are considered "perpetual problems."
These might include, but are not limited to, differences in:
- Personality types, e.g., introvert vs extrovert
More about perpetual problems in a future article.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette illustrates how resentment can affect a relationship and how therapy can help:
Ann and Joe
When Ann and Joe met, they both knew they wanted to be together.
They dated for two years before they moved in together in Ann's apartment after Joe's lease expired.
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| Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship |
Ann knew Joe had different housekeeping standards before he moved in. She had been to his apartment many times before they moved in together and she often teased him about his messy apartment. At the time, she thought it was funny and poked fun at him about it.
But after Joe's lease expired on his Manhattan apartment and he moved into Ann's Brooklyn apartment, Ann didn't think it was funny anymore. Over time, she felt annoyed with finding Joe's socks and underwear on the bedroom floor and she couldn't understand how this didn't bother him.
At first, Ann didn't say anything. She was raised in a family where her parents didn't like to "rock the boat" so they avoided discussing difficult topics. As a result, eventually, they lead separate lives even though they remained together in the same house.
After a few weeks of watching Joe step over his socks and underwear, Ann felt her resentment building up. She felt hurt, angry and disappointed because she thought Joe was taking for granted that she would pick up his clothes.
Even though Joe seemed oblivious to his clothes on the floor, he sensed Ann's emotional distance and he asked her if there was something wrong.
By then, Ann had suppressed her feelings to such an extent that she wasn't even aware she felt angry so she responded, "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."
Joe shrugged his shoulders and went into the living room to watch the football game. While he was watching the football game, he felt annoyed by the sound of Ann's vacuum cleaner, which was drowning out the game on TV. So, he asked her if either he could vacuum later or if she would consider vacuuming later.
At that point, Ann turned off the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the apartment in a huff. When Joe heard the door slam, he went out to try to find Ann, but she was already walking quickly down the block.
When she returned, she found Joe sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen. As she was taking off her coat, Joe came behind her, touched her shoulder and she bristled.
"I know something is wrong" he said, "Can we talk about it?"
Ann felt too emotionally overwhelmed to speak, so she went into the bedroom, shut the door and called her best friend, Jane, to complain.
Jane responded by asking Ann, "Why don't you talk to Joe about it?"
"I don't know." Ann said, "We never talked about things difficult things in my family and I feel uncomfortable bringing it up."
"But if you don't bring it up, how will it get resolved?" Jane asked.
"I don't know." Ann responded, "Do you think I'm making a big thing out of nothing?"
"Talk to Joe." Jane advised.
When Ann came into the living room and she saw Joe with his head in his hands, she felt compassionate towards him, "I'm sorry I walked out of the apartment so abruptly. I didn't realize how resentful I felt about your messiness until I felt overwhelmed by it."
"I'm so glad you're talking to me," Joe responded, "You know how I am. I don't even notice my messiness, but if it's bothering you, I'll try to be more aware of it."
After their talk, they made up and cuddled on the couch together. But a few days later, Ann felt annoyed that Joe made plans to go to a baseball game with his friend without consulting her first. She had planned to ask Joe if he wanted to go to Jane's dinner party on the same night, but she hadn't asked him yet.
Since she couldn't decide if she was being unreasonable or not, Ann kept her annoyance to herself until the day when Joe was supposed to go to the baseball game and Ann wanted to go to Jane's party.
She didn't speak to Joe about her resentment, but he sensed something was wrong because she was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen. Similar to before, Joe approached Ann to ask her if there was something wrong and Ann responded she was okay.
After several attempts of trying to persuade Ann to talk, Joe gave up and went to the game and Ann called Jane to say she couldn't make it to her dinner party.
When Joe got home, he found Ann in a sulky mood scrolling on her phone. When he sat down on the bed next to her, he sensed her remoteness, "Ann, I wish you would tell me what's bothering you."
Reluctantly, she spoke about her hurt and anger. Then, they talked about how they had never discussed how to consult each other before making their own plans.
They agreed to talk to each other before making plans with other people, and they developed a common calendar so they could keep track of their social events together and apart.
Over time, there were several other issues that Ann felt resentful about and she realized how her upbringing was getting in the way of her communicating with Joe, so she began her own individual therapy.
Gradually, they learned in couples therapy how to be more open, honest and emotionally vulnerable with each other. They also learned there were certain issues they weren't going to resolve due to differences in their personalities.
For instance, Ann tended to be more extroverted and Joe tended to be more introverted so they often liked doing different things. Ann liked going to parties, but Joe felt uneasy at parties.
They realized they weren't going to change each other's personalities, so they came up with a compromise: Joe would go to some of the parties and learn to mingle, but he wouldn't go to all the parties Ann wanted to attend. Although she was disappointed at first, Ann realized this was a reasonable compromise and she learned to manage her feelings in the interest of preserving their relationship.
Ann also developed insight into how her family history was exacerbating problems with Joe, and she talked about how to manage her feelings in her individual therapy. Over time, she also worked through her family history so it didn't affect her as much. This work was neither quick nor easy, but she persevered.
Joe learned in couples therapy how to be more considerate of Ann. He became more self aware so he could take Ann's feelings into account.
They both learned that no relationship is perfect. Since they wanted to stay together, they realized that maintaining their relationship would be an ongoing process.
Conclusion
Resentment is often a combination of hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration when one or both people in a relationship feel they are being mistreated or treated unfairly.
Resentment can build over time from mild to severe.
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| Getting Help in Couples Therapy |
Recognizing signs of resentment can be difficult, especially if you have unresolved issues related to prior relationships or your family of origin. This can be especially problematic if you grew up in a family where resentment either wasn't handled well.
Ongoing feelings of resentment can cause emotional and physical problems.
There are certain issues in relationships that are perpetual problems due to differences between you and your partner. Each of you need to decide if you can manage these problems or if they are deal breakers.
When resentment becomes an ongoing problem where you find it difficult to communicate, you could benefit from attending individual therapy to learn to overcome this problem.
About Me
I work with individual adults and couples.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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