Mismatched Desire is a Relationship Problem--Not An Individual Problem

Mismatched desires in a relationship problem between both people--not just a problem for the individual with lower desire (see my article: What is Desire Discrepancy?).

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

So, why do many individuals "send" their partner to sex therapy instead of joining them to resolve the relationship problem? 

The "Identified Patient" Dynamic

There can be many reasons why a partner might not want to join their partner in sex therapy, including sexual shame. But one of the main reasons is because Partner A, the one with the higher desire, tries to convince Partner B, the one with the lower desire, that something is wrong with Partner B and B should go so the therapist can "fix" them.

As a certified sex therapist, I see this so often in my New York private practice and I know that most of the time there is a misunderstanding about why they're having sexual problems.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

Partner A, the one with the stronger sexual desire, pathologizes Partner B's normal desire so that Partner B feels like they're "broken" and needs to be "fixed". 

Often this pathologizing is unintentional. More often, it's a misunderstanding about how sexual desire works and that there can be either spontaneous or responsive sexual desire which are both normal.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Janet and Mark

When Janet contacted a sex therapist, she said her husband, Mark, told her she should make an appointment for herself because she didn't want to have sex as often as he did.

The sex therapist told Janet that desire discrepancy (also known as mismatched libido), is a common problem in relationships and it's a relationship problem--not an individual problem---because it's a dynamic between two people.

Janet thought her husband would probably join her after the first appointment, so she saw the therapist on her own the first time.

During the first appointment, the sex therapist told Janet that it's normal and common for two people to have different levels of desire--just like they would have different levels of desire for certain foods and other activities. She told Janet there is no such thing as a "normal level of desire."

After the first appointment, Janet went home and told Mark about what the sex therapist said. He scoffed and told her to see another therapist. So, Janet began therapy with a therapist who had no knowledge or training in sex therapy, but she agreed to see Janet individually.

Janet wanted to please her husband so she was happy to be able to tell him that she would go for therapy and he could stay home. Over time, Janet went to therapy and talked about the problem, but nothing changed. The therapist listened quietly and provided no feedback.

After a few weeks, Janet realized that this therapist was working outside her area of expertise and stopped seeing her.

When she approached her husband again about seeing the sex therapist, he refused. He told her to go see someone else, but whenever Janet called a certified sex therapist, she was told that this is a relationship problem and both people need to be in the therapy.

This went on for a while and Mark was complaining more than ever because Janet didn't want to have sex as often as he did. So, Janet decided to do her own research and she discovered that the first therapist was correct--both she and her husband needed to be in sex therapy together.

After several years passed with Mark being increasingly dissatisfied, he decided to join Janet in seeing the original sex therapist and they began to make progress.

Why Do Some People Refuse to Participate in Couples Therapy For Relationship Problems?

It's always been interesting to me that most people wouldn't tell a medical doctor how to treat their medical issues, but many people insist they know how a therapist should treat relational and sexual problems.

Since a lot of people think that therapy is "just talking", they think they know how it should work. They don't understand that therapy, especially couples sexual therapy, is a specialized treatment that is performed by licensed mental health professionals who have gone for advanced postgraduate training. Also, there are specific interventions that are not about "just talking."

Couples sex therapy is not the only therapy where people tend to designate an "identified patient" as the one who is to "blame" for having a problem. 

Families often scapegoat a certain family member as the one who has all the problems when, in reality, the one who is designated as the scapegoat might be the healthiest one--and the problems in the family are systemic family problems--not the problem of one individual.

Let's look at some of the problems involved in the vignette with Janet and Mark:

The "Identified Patient" Dynamic in More Detail

• Pathologizing Lower Desire: If the issue is desire discrepancy, the partner with lower desire is often incorrectly labeled as the one with the medical or psychological problem. In the vignette above, Mark incorrectly labeled Janet as the problem.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

• Ignoring the Loop: Mark saw Janet's lower desire as being an isolated malfunction. So, he completely overlooked how his behavior, communication style and refusal to split chores acted as a sexual brake for Janet.

• Outsourcing the Problem: Mark hoped a professional would "fix" Janet's behavior so their sexual relationship would change to his preferred baseline of sexual activity so he didn't have to make any personal changes. 

Fear and Vulnerability Avoidance
Couples therapy, including couples sex therapy, acts as a mirror and many individuals are very uncomfortable looking at what the mirror reveals about them:

• Fear of Judgment: Mark worried that a sex therapist would criticize his sexual performance, technique or emotional maturity. This kept him out of therapy.

• Shame Around Rejection: For Mark, admitting that his wife doesn't want him sexually as much as he wants her was deeply painful. By pushing Janet into individual therapy, he pretended the issue was an abstract medical problem.

• Emotional Exposure: Mark was conditioned to hide emotional vulnerability. Attending therapy involves discussing deep fears, inadequacies and failures, which can feel incredibly threatening.

Misunderstanding Sex Therapy

There is an incorrect common assumption that sex therapy is only about the physical mechanics of sex rather than about emotional connection:

• The "Instruction Manual" Myth: Mark believed that the sex therapist would provide Janet with tools, exercises or psychological "tricks" to boost her physical arousal, but this isn't how sex therapy works.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

• Missing the Emotional Link: Mark failed to recognize that for many women (and many men too), sexual desire is linked to emotional intimacy, safety and mutual respect outside the bedroom.

Control and Power Dynamics
For many people, including Mark, refusing to attend couples sex therapy is a way to maintain control over the narrative of the relationship:

• Protecting an Ego: By remaining outside the therapy sessions, Mark ensured that his habits and contributions to the sexual problems weren't analyzed. He never had to look at that his ways of initiating sex and that what he did sexually with Janet wasn't satisfying to her. No one wants sex that isn't satisfying to them.

• Dictating Terms: By sending Janet to therapy, Mark positioned himself as the "healthy" partner and Janet as the "deficient" partner--the one who had sole responsibility for their sexual happiness.

Moving Forward

Once Mark came to couples sex therapy with Janet, they both benefited from learning how to talk about sex, finding out what they each liked and disliked and understanding how each of their personal histories contributed to their problems.

Conclusion

Sex therapy is for adult individuals and couples.

There are times when individual sex therapy can be beneficial in helping an individual to overcome problems like sexual shame or other personal issues. But when the problem involves a dynamic in the relationship, both people need to attend.

Get Help in Couples Sex Therapy

Although it might feel challenging to join your partner in couples sex therapy, the consequences of remaining outside the sessions and sending your partner for relational issues, like desire discrepancy, is a much more challenging issue to face when the problem continues for months and maybe even years.

Desire Discrepancy is a Relationship Problem

Like most problems, the sooner you address them, the less complicated they tend to be to resolve. 

Rather than waiting until the problem becomes worse, get help from a licensed mental health professional who is a certified sex therapist.

Working on your problem together can bring you closer emotionally and sexually so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 or by email for an in person or online appointment.

Also See My Articles:

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire Are Both Normal 

Overcoming Anxiety-Related Sexual Problems 

Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Creating Aliveness in Your Long Term Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often meet with people in long term relationships where one person has a vibrant sense of aliveness and the other is more reserved.  

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

The livelier individual might have initially chosen the more reserved person because they represented safety and stability. This is especially true if the livelier person had a traumatic family background where there was a lot of instability in their family.

However, as time passes in their relationship and their life has stabilized together, the livelier individual's needs for stability has been satisfied and, as the years go by, this individual might yearn for their partner to be more alive and open to new experiences.

This situation is more likely to happen as the couple ages and the livelier partner realizes that time is passing. At that point, they might wonder, "Is this all there is to life?" and yearn for more from their partner and their relationship.

Yearning for more aliveness in their relationship, they might push the more reserved partner to be more exploratory to move out of their comfort zone.

For some reserved partners, all they need is a little encouragement and they can move out of their comfort zone and open up to new experiences. But many others remain stuck in their ways and their partner becomes increasingly dissatisfied over the years.

At that point, this couple might find themselves in my office with the livelier partner feeling resentful that their more reserved partner isn't meeting their current needs, and the reserved partner wondering why the status quo no longer satisfies the livelier partner.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates this kind of  mismatch and how couples therapy can help:

Cathy and Jack

Cathy and Jack were both in their early 60s, married for over 30 years and retired from successful careers. Their two adult children had long since moved away to other parts of the country.

Cathy was the one who initiated contact for couples therapy and Jack came somewhat reluctantly. When she talked about her family history, she described a chaotic family where, despite both parents having full time jobs, they were barely able to make ends meet. They were constantly getting eviction notices and there often wasn't enough food to eat. 

Due to their dire circumstances, Cathy knew from a young age she couldn't ask for new clothes or a new toy. She usually got hand-me-down clothes from her older siblings that was often too big, so she felt ashamed when she went to school with ill-fitting clothes. 

More importantly, Cathy's parents were so overwhelmed by their dire circumstances that they were too exhausted to be nurturing towards their children.

Jack's family history was very different. His parents were both successful professionals and the family lived in an upper middle class suburb. Although they appeared to be a happy family on the outside, there was emotional turmoil behind closed doors. The family secret that created the turmoil was Jack's father's drinking. 

Although he was regarded as a pillar in the community, Jack's father was a severe alcoholic behind closed doors. When he wasn't drinking, he could be a loving and engaged father with Jack, but as his drinking got worse over time, Jack's mother was frightened of her husband's drinking and she became increasingly passive as the years went by. So, Jack couldn't rely on either of his parents for nurturance and emotional support.

Jack never knew what to expect, so he learned to suppress his own emotional needs and became the golden child who always got excellent grades and tried to please his parents in every way he could.

Initially, when they met, Cathy admired how safe she felt with Jack. She knew she could rely on him through thick and thin--something she had never experienced in her chaotic family. Jack also admired Cathy's lively energy and how good he felt around her.

Their relationship went smoothly during the early years of their marriage, but as they approached retirement, Cathy felt increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship. She was acutely aware that the relationship felt stale. She wanted to travel more and experience as much of life as she could while they were both still in good health. But Jack preferred to stay home and maintain the same routine he had all of his adult life.

Not only did their existence feel monotonous to Cathy, but she grieved for their sex life which had been nonexistent for many years. For his part, Jack couldn't understand why Cathy felt so unhappy now. He wanted the two of them to get old together and he didn't mind if that meant sitting on their porch rocking chairs every day.

After Cathy gave Jack an ultimatum that either they get help in couples therapy or she would initiate divorce proceedings, Jack was shaken. Even though he had refused to attend couples therapy for years, he agreed to go at this point because he didn't want to lose Cathy.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to understand how their family backgrounds contributed to their personality development. 

Jack survived emotionally in his family by always being a "good boy" and never making waves. As Jack came to realize in his couples therapy, this meant the suppression of his personality. Keeping his head down and just getting through the day with his alcoholic father and passive mother became his unconscious survival strategy which continued into his adulthood--even though the danger was over and this survival strategy had outlived its usefulness.

Cathy survived emotionally in her family by suppressing her emotional needs and never allowing herself to want anything. She knew it would be hurtful to her parents if she expressed a desire for things they couldn't possibly give her so she developed her unconscious survival strategy of never asking for anything for herself--even during the early years of her marriage when she and her husband were financially successful.  

As they approached retirement, Cathy began to wonder what she might be missing in her life. Her best friend, Sara, was already enjoying her retirement years with her husband--traveling, taking new classes and exploring new ideas. Sara had even hinted to Cathy that she and her husband were having the best sex of their lives now that they had more time together without the stress of their careers.

When Cathy tried to talk to Jack about feeling bored and wanting to travel, he scoffed and dismissed her. Initially, she didn't have the courage to talk to Jack about reviving their sex life.

Once Cathy and Jack learned to improve their communication by breaking the negative cycle in their relationship, the next step was focusing on how to enliven their relationship.

Taking steps to enliven their relationship was exciting for Cathy, but it was frightening for Jack. He had spent most of his adult life suppressing his emotions as if he was still living at home with his alcoholic father. He didn't know if he could even allow himself to feel more alive.

During their couples therapy, Cathy learned to stop pressuring and criticizing Jack to be more alive because she realized that her pressure only made him withdraw more. 

Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships

Without the pressure, Jack and Cathy began to cultivate low-pressure aliveness: walks in nature, traveling and taking language classes together. Over time, Jack even agreed to take ballroom dance classes with Cathy which surprised both of them.

To revive their sex life, their couples therapist, who was also a certified sex therapist, asked them to start with nonsexual touch exercises called Sensate Focus where they started with the simple touch of hands, arms and other nonsexual areas of the body and progressed to more erotic touch over time.

Gradually, their sex life came alive in ways they both enjoyed. 

Conclusion

In couples sex therapy, the therapist gets full histories of family, relationship and sexual dynamics to understand the origin of the problems.

Individuals who come from impoverished backgrounds often unconsciously choose safety over aliveness initially in their relationship without even realizing it.

Individuals who come from families where there are dysfunctional dynamics, which include might include alcohol or drug abuse, often learn to be reserved to the point of suppressing aliveness.

What was once important in a relationship can change over time, especially as a couple ages and they consider what is important in life at a certain stage of their life. 

An awareness that time is passing and that there won't be as much time to enjoy life as there had been earlier in their relationship can lead to a reassessment of what each of them wants in life.

Couples therapy with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help revive a couple to revive aliveness, including reviving their sex life, so that their relationship can be satisfying for both partners.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples and sex therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, make sure your couples therapist is a certified sex therapist (most couples therapist aren't trained to work with sexual problems).

By getting help in couples therapy, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and certified sex therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

The Paradox of Love and Desire in Committed Relationships

What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Intent vs Impact: Understanding the Difference Between What You Meant and How Your Partner Actually Experienced It

The gap between intent and impact is one of the most common triggers for relationship conflict. While you might judge yourself by your internal motivation, your partner probably judges you by external actions and words.

What Are the Definitions of Intent and Impact?

Your Intent: Your internal motivation, purpose or meaning behind an action. It is completely invisible to your partner unless you explicitly state it.

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

Impact on Your Partner: The emotional reality of how your actions land on your partner. It is shaped by their unique perspective, emotional history and attachment needs.

Common Examples of Gaps Between Intent and Impact

• Your Intent (Internal): Offering solutions to help your partner solve a stressful work problem 
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling dismissed, criticized or unheard when they just wanted emotional empathy (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: Does Your Partner Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Your Intent (Internal): Gently teasing them about a quirky habit to spark playful connection
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling mocked, torn down or insecure about their flaws

• Your Intent (Internal): Looking at your phone to gently decompress after a long stressful day
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling ignored, rejected or lonely during a moment they wanted to connect with you and share

• Your Intent (Internal): Staying late at the office to make a work deadline and provide your relationship with financial stability
• Impact on Your Partner (External): Feeling deprioritized and abandoned during dinner

Why Does Prioritizing Intent Over Impact Cause Ruptures?

When a partner says, "You hurt my feelings", the usual defensive reaction is usually, "That's not what I meant!" or "You're taking it the wrong way!"

This approach actively damages the relationship because defending your intent invalidates their impact (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such An Important Relationship Skill?).

To your partner, it sounds like an excuse that ignores and rewrites their emotional reality. 

When you prioritize your intention over their emotional pain, you communicate that being "right" is more important than their emotional safety.

How to Successfully Bridge the Gap Between Intent and Impact

To resolve the conflict, you must separate the clumsiness of the action from the goodness of the intent or motive:

• Acknowledge and Validate the Impact First: Before you tell your partner what you meant, acknowledge their emotional wound. Use statements like, "I can see that my comment really hurt you and I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way."

Relationships: Intent vs Impact

• Separate Intent From Impact: Once your partner feels emotionally safe and heard, gently introduce your original motivation without using it as an excuse, "My goal was to help fix the problem, but I see how that felt dismissive instead of supportive."

• Stay Curious and Not Defensive: Ask your partner open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about how that made you feel like that so I don't do it again in the future?"

• Adjust Future Behavior: True relational repair requires adapting your actions to match your intention. If your intent is love, your impact must eventually reflect love.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Problems between intent and impact are common for many couples.

If the two of you have been unable to work out these issues on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to learn new skills and develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble? 

Coping With Relationship Stress 

Getting Your Emotional Needs Met in Your Relationship

How to Navigate the 5 Relationship Stages

What Are 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Could Be in Trouble?

Many couples who seek help in couples therapy wait until the relationship is in serious trouble or they are one step away from ending the relationship.

Problems in a Relationship

Most long term relationships usually don't end because of one argument. On the contrary, they usually end due to the repetition of the same issues that don't change: Feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and stuck in a negative cycle.

Although all long term relationships have their ups and downs, there are specific patterns of behavior that indicate deep trouble. These include:

1. Communication Problems

There are certain communication problems that often precede the breakup of a long term relationship:

• Stonewalling: One or both people in the relationship shutdown, withdraw or refuse to engage during discussions (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

• Extreme Defensiveness: Feedback is met with excuses or counter-attacks rather than active listening and responding (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Communication Problems in a Relationship

• Off Limit Topics: One of both partners avoid talking about certain important issues due to fear of the other partner's response.

• Passive Aggressive Hinting: Dropping subtle (and not so subtle) clues or making sarcastic remarks instead of expressing needs directly and clearly.

2. Emotional Distance: Emotional distance often develops and grows over time in relationships that are in trouble:

• Living Like Roommates: Although you share a physical space, you no longer share your thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams or even talk about the highlights of your day.

Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship

• Fading or Absent Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy declines over time and might be absent for months or years. There is no sexual or non-sexual expressions of affection--no holding hands, no hugs or cuddling (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Feeling Relief During Absence: Feeling a sense of relief and peace during times when you are apart.

• Intentionally Withholding: Intentionally withholding time, affection, interest and, possibly, withholding financial openness as a tool to punish a partner.

3. Chronic, Unhealthy Conflict

This might include:

• "Looping" Arguments: Having the same conflict over and over again without ever reaching a compromise or solution (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Chronic Conflict in a Relationship

• The Relationship Scorecard: Continually bringing up old mistakes to blame your partner and try to "win" current arguments (see my article: How to Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship).

• Personalized Attacks: Shifting from discussing a partner's current particular behavior to attacking your partner's character.

• Lack of Repair After Conflict; Ruptures and arguments happen frequently, but neither partner steps forward to apologize or to genuinely try to heal the emotional wound.

4. Toxic and Controlling Behavior

These might include:

• Holding the Relationship Commitment Hostage: Threatening a breakup or divorce over minor, every day disagreements as a way to manipulate the other person.

Toxic and Controlling Behavior in a Relationship

• Walking on Eggshells: Constantly monitoring your own behavior, words and tone to avoid triggering a partner's anger.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the long term relationship can decline over time and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Peter

During the early stage of their relationship, Jane and Peter had a happy, passionate relationship. 

Two years after they met, they got married and both of them developed busy careers.  Initially, they made sure to make time for each other on the weekends, but over the years, as ongoing conflicts developed, they stopped prioritizing their relationship and spent less time together.

Peter resented Jane's close relationship with her sister. He felt that Jane was constantly trying to solve her sister's problems. But when he complained to her about it, Jane refused to talk about it. After a while, as his resentment grew, Peter resorted to making sarcastic remarks to Jane whenever she got together with her sister. Inwardly, he was hurting, but he didn't know how to express his wounded feelings.

Jane resented Peter's long hours at work. She knew Peter didn't want to hear her complain about the time he spent at work, so she seethed inwardly. Sometimes she made caustic remarks ("I think you must be having an affair with someone at work"), but rather than addressing her complaints, Peter stonewalled and spent most of his time in his home office. Underneath her anger and resentment, Jane really missed spending time with Peter, but she felt too vulnerable to tell him this.

Problems in a Relationship

Several years later, they both felt lonely in their relationship. They were co-existing in the same New York City apartment as if they were roommates. They hadn't had sex in years and they were no longer physically affectionate with one another. Even though they still loved each other, they hadn't expressed love for one another in years.

Their biggest problem was their emotional disconnection, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to bring that up, so they had ongoing arguments about money instead. Peter accused Jane of spending too much money and Jane accused Peter of being cheap.

When Peter planned to be away on a business trip for a few days, he sensed that Jane was relieved that he wouldn't be around. On the surface, he was aware of being angry, but deep down he felt sad and hurt.

When Peter returned from his business trip, he could feel Jane's resentment. After a while, he felt overwhelmed by the problems between them and he told her, "I don't even know why we're together. If things don't get better between us, I think we should get a divorce."

Jane felt shaken by Peter's threat of divorce. She wanted to talk to him, but she was afraid of being rebuffed by him. Later that day when she saw her sister, Jane was in tears. She knew things were bad in her marriage, but she couldn't believe Peter was threatening divorce.

Jane's sister told her that when her close friend had marital problems, she sought help from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and they were making progress.

After Jane got the name of the EFT therapist, she took a deep breath and spoke to Peter about it. To her surprise, he listened to her and admitted that he would like to try to work on their relationship.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify the recurring negative cycle in their relationship and provided them with tools and strategies to overcome this cycle.

Since their problems were long-standing and entrenched, the work was neither quick nor easy, but they made steady progress over time.

Their couples therapist was also a certified sex therapist, so after Jane and Peter worked through their emotional disconnection and recurring arguments, they made progress on improving their sex life.

Conclusion

Many couples wait until their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.

Like most difficult problems, relationship problems are easier to solve when problems first develop--before they become entrenched.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with relationship problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, seek help from a couples therapist who is also a certified sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to deal with sexual problems).

A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute call before setting up an appointment.

To contact me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

Many people in relationships have problems asking for their emotional needs to be met because it requires intense vulnerability and it also triggers deep fears of rejection, judgment or fear of abandonment.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

In addition, our American culture treats emotional self reliance as a strength which causes many people to view their normal human needs as character flaws or signs of weakness.

Childhood Conditioning

Childhood conditioning can also play a role:

• Early Childhood Emotional Neglect: If someone's childhood emotional needs were minimized, ignored or punished, their nervous system learned that asking for their emotional needs to be met was emotionally and physically unsafe (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Childhood Emotional Neglect

• The "Easy" Child Trap: Many people learned as children that they had to earn love and approval by being low maintenance, quiet and overly accommodating and this belief often persists on an unconscious level in adulthood in their relationships.

• Hyper-Independence: Childhood emotional neglect often forces children to become overly self sufficient beyond their developmental capacity, but this is a pseudo-independence because it's a survival mechanism driven by fear and neglect rather than a natural, healthy stage of development. This builds thick emotional walls against relying on anyone else. This pattern continues into adulthood which makes it difficult to ask for emotional support in a relationship (see my article: Masking Vulnerability and Shame By Pretending You Don't Need Anyone).

Fears and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Being a Burden: People frequently convince themselves that their feelings will overwhelm, stress out or inconvenience their partner. 

Fears and Psychological Barriers to Asking For Emotional Support

• Shame of Being "Needy": Internalized shame makes people worry they will be perceived by their partner as being too "needy", dramatic, high maintenance or emotionally unstable. They have learned from early childhood, often on an unconscious level, that their normal emotional needs were "too much". This often occurs because their parents were overburdened with just trying to survive. For example, the parents  might have been working two or more jobs just to be able to meet basic needs. In many cases, the parents also didn't have their own emotional needs met and this emotional neglect is part of a long line of intergenerational trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?.).

• The Mind Reading Myth: Many individuals have an unspoken belief that if their partner really loved them, they would automatically know what they need without being asked (see my article: Are You Expecting Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

• Emotional Disconnection: Decades of suppressing feelings can leave someone fuzzy or completely unaware of their own emotional needs.

Relationship Dynamics

• Fear of Rocking the Boat: When a relationship is going relatively well, individuals might remain silent about their unmet emotional needs to protect the harmony in their relationship and avoid conflict.

• Past Experiences of a Partner Weaponing Vulnerability: Some people avoid asking for what they need emotionally because their emotional needs and vulnerabilities in prior relationships were used against them as leverage or ammunition during arguments.

What Are Practical Strategies For Asking For What You Need From Your Partner?

Focus on Your Internal State

• Identify Your Feelings: Pinpoint your emotional need (loneliness, feeling invisible, feeling overwhelmed) before speaking to your partner.

Locate Physical Sensations Related to Emotions

• Locate the Physical Sensation: Notice where the tension is located in your body to help you to connect with what you need. 

• Name the Core Deficit: Figure out if you need reassurance, physical touch, focused attention or validation (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why is It Such a Powerful Skill in Relationships?).

• Learn to Separate the Past From the Present: Acknowledge whether your current emotional reaction is being driven by old unresolved childhood wounds or prior relationship experiences (see my article: Learning to Separate Past Experiences From Your Current Experience).

Use Specific Communication Techniques

• Lead With Vulnerability: Use "I feel" statements rather than "You make me feel..." statements.

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Say the Hard Truth: If you feel afraid to express your needs, start with a phrase like, "It's really scary for me to admit this, but..."

• Describe Your Internal State: Feel into your internal state and become aware if you're telling yourself a story that might not be true. For instance, recognize if you're telling yourself something like "He's bored with me" or "He doesn't love me anymore" when this isn't true. Then, tell your partner, "I'm telling myself that you're bored with me" (or whatever you're feeling) and allow your partner to respond.

• Make Requests That Are Actionable: Ask for specific behaviors instead of vague concepts. For example, instead of saying "I need you show you care more", say "I need you to hold my hand while I'm talking to you about my feelings."

Asking Your Partner For Emotional Support

• Ask For a Specific Time: Ask your partner something like, "Can we find 20 minutes tonight to talk about something that has been weighing on me?" If it's not the right time, schedule another time that works for both of you. If you have children, choose a time when you won't be interrupted.

• Remove All Digital Distractions: Turn off and put away phones, turn off the TV, put away the computer and other distractions and sit face-to-face before diving into your discussion.

• Reassure Your Partner in Advance: If they haven't done anything that is making you unhappy, reassure them that they're not in trouble--you just need to share your feelings.

• Keep the Conversation to a Manageable Length: Focus on a specific emotional needs rather than listing months or years of unmet emotional needs (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Responding to Your Partner's Reaction

• Appreciate Your Partner's Willingness to Listen and Communicate: Thank your partner for listening--even if the conversation is awkward and uncomfortable. Recognize that your partner is experiencing their own emotional vulnerability by just listening.

Express Appreciation to Your Partner

• Validate Your Partner's Perspective: Acknowledge your partner's response. For instance, if your partner is opening up to hearing your unmet needs and you recognize that your partner is tired, acknowledge this to them by saying something like, "I realize you're tired and I appreciate that you're hearing me out."

• Allow Room For Pauses: Give your partner time to emotionally process what you are saying without rushing in to fill in the silence.

• Schedule a Future Check In: Propose circling back in a few days to see how the new approach to communicating your needs is working for you and for your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Communicating your emotional needs to your partner can be challenging especially if you never learned to do it before.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist who is a licensed mental health professional can help you to learn to express your emotional needs and work out problems in your relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Before setting up an appointment, I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.