Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Implicit Betrayals?

Implicit betrayals in relationships refers to subtle, non-physical violations of trust that break unspoken expectations in a relationship. 

Unlike affairs, implicit betrayals are often dismissed or rationalized, but they can be just as damaging to a emotional intimacy and traumatic in a relationship.

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Examples of Implicit Betrayals?

• Emotional Affairs: Forming a deep intimate or romantic connection with someone else and hiding it from the partner (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

• Contempt and Disrespect: Humiliating a partner in front of others including eye rolling, using sarcasm or mocking a partner (see my articles: Improve Communication By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and Belittling Behavior).

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

• Withholding Affection or Stonewalling: Consistently refusing to communicate, withholding affection or shutting down during a conflict in order to exert control (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Gaslighting: Manipulating a partner into questioning their own memory, perception or sanity as a way to avoid accountability (see my article: The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting as Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse)

• Disengagement: When a partner stops caring, stops trying and emotionally leaves a relationship without actually physically leaving the relationship (see my article: What is Quiet Quiting in a Relationship?)

• Conditional Commitment: Acting as if you're only in the relationship until someone "better" comes along or frequently threatening to leave a relationship during arguments

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Siding With a Third Party: Siding with a third party, like a mother, mother-in-law, friend or another relative, against the partner

• Financial Infidelity: Keeping secret accounts, hiding debt or making big purchases and hiding it from a partner (see my article: What is Financial Infidelity?).

• Neglect and Selfishness: Consistently prioritizing hobbies, work or friends over a partner 

• Broken Promises: Failing to follow through on promises or commitments which erodes trust (see my article: Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity)

• Lying By Omission: Purposely hiding information to avoid conflict or hide a secret life (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission)

• Digital Infidelity: Engaging in romantic or sexual chats, virtual relationships or intense, hidden messages on social media without the other partner's agreement

What to Do If You Discover an Implicit Betrayal?

Discovering an implicit betrayal can be as damaging and traumatic as discovering a physical affair.

Since these types of betrayals are often involve a "gray" areas or unspoken rules, healing requires a high levels of transparency and intentional communication:

• Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognize and acknowledge that feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and shame are valid. 

• Prioritize Stabilization: Before making any long term decisions about the relationship, prioritize your immediate physical and emotional health: regular sleep, eating nutritious meals and calming your nervous system with breathing and grounding exercises.

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Avoid Self Blame: Practice self compassion rather than completely blaming yourself or feeling less worthy for a partner's implicit betrayal.

• Establish Safety Over Trust: Rebuilding trust can take months or years, but establishing safety can occur immediately through total transparency:

• Transparency: The betraying partner offers unprompted access to electronics, location sharing, financial records or in any area where trust was betrayed.

• Honesty: All questions should be answered without defensiveness, minimization or shifting the blame onto the other partner.

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable behavior. This could include no contact with with specific people, shared calendars and designated times to talk about the betrayal so it doesn't consume all of your time together (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Communicate Using "I" Statements: When discussing the betrayal, use non-accusatory language. For instance, say "I felt invisible to you when you shared your feelings with the other person instead of coming to me" vs. "You betrayed me".

• Evaluate the Future of the Relationship: Ask yourself these important questions to decide whether to stay or go:

• Is my partner taking responsibility without making excuses?
• Was it a one-time occurence or has it been a pattern of behavior?
• Does my partner show genuine remorse and a willingness to do the hard work involved with repairing the relationship?
• Am I staying because I want to or because I'm afraid to leave?

Get Help in Therapy

Implicit betrayals can be difficult to negotiate on your own.

Individual therapy or couples therapy can help you to work through these difficult issues. In many cases, it can be beneficial for each person to start with individual therapy and then continue in couples therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can deal with the trauma of an implicit betrayal and live a happier, more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Overcoming Fear of Commitment

Why do certain people have a fear of making a commitment in a relationship--even after the couple has been together for a while? (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has a Fear of Commitment?).

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

While the reasons for fear of commitment are as varied as the individuals who have this fear, there are often certain psychological issues:

• Fear of Losing Independence: For instance, some people fear that making a commitment to move in with a partner or to get married automatically means losing their autonomy to engage in their hobbies, spend time with friends or other activities they enjoy without their partner.

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Fear of Being Controlled: If an individual isn't in a relationship with someone who is controlling, a fear of being controlled or "smothered" often stems from childhood experiences. Talking about commitment can trigger a fight-or-flight response to avoid the fear of being controlled or dominated again.

• Avoidant Attachment Style: An avoidant attachment style, like any attachment style, is on a continuum. Some individuals with an avoidant attachment style feel they would rather be alone to protect themselves from the emotional vulnerability involved with being in a committed relationship.

• Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Some people avoid making a commitment because they fear their partner will eventually leave them. By remaining uncommitted, they protect themselves from the pain of a potential breakup (see my article: Fear of Abandonment Can Occur Even in a Healthy, Stable Relationship).

Overcoming Fear of Commitment

• Unresolved Trauma From Childhood or Prior Relationships: Experiences like witnessing parents' unhappy marriage as a child, being cheated on by a prior partner, a messy divorce or other similar unresolved traumatic situations can leave deep emotional wounds. These individuals might associate making a commitment with pain and loss (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• The Paradox of Choice: Individuals who use dating apps often feel they have endless choices. Some people hesitate to make a commitment because they fear they might be missing out on a "better match" which can lead to "decision paralysis."

Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Commitment

• Identify Underlying Fears: If you have a fear of making a commitment, especially if you have encountered this fear many times with individuals you care about in healthy relationships, you can start by identifying your underlying fears.

Overcoming a Fear of Commitment

• Challenge Your Thoughts About "What If" Scenarios: Take an objective look at your "what if" fears and ask yourself how likely these scenarios will occur. Separate out your fears from the past from your current situation (see my article: Feeling Aren't Facts).

• Don't Project Too Far Into the Future: Instead of wondering whether or not you'll be happy 15 years from now, focus on the present.

• Establish Autonomy in Your Relationship: A healthy relationship allows for shared time together as well as independent time to pursue other interests.

• Accept Imperfection: Nothing is perfect. As long as there aren't dealbreakers (e.g., one of you wants to have children and the other doesn't), accept that no relationship is perfect. Focus on teamwork with your partner.

• Take Small Manageable Steps: Check in with yourself and your partner after a few dates. If you both want to continue dating, check in after a couple of months, six months, a year and two years to assess how you each feel (see my article: Making Changes One Step at a Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If the self help steps above aren't working for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to explore the underlying unconscious issues that you might not see on your own. Depending upon the problems involved, either individual therapy or couples therapy could be helpful rather than struggling on your own.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

Avoidance drives ambivalence underground by forcing intense internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and behavioral withdrawal (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That Don't Work For You: Avoidance).

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

When one or both partners in a relationship avoids dealing with their problems, they enter into a stalemate where the problems aren't addressed and internal conflicts grow. This can lead to increased emotional disconnection in the relationship.

How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

• Creating Internal Stalemate: When love or closeness threatens an individual's sense of self, their nervous system forces a move toward emotional isolation. This pushes the internal conflict into a hidden, often unspoken state, creating intense emotions that keep looping.

• Using Distractions and Substitutes: People who tend to avoid often create intense, externalized activities, including workaholism, spending an excessive amount of time on hobbies or shallow outside connections to fulfill emotional needs without facing the vulnerability of their relationship.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Undergrouond

• Reinterpreting Intimacy as Danger: By treating emotional intimacy as a threat to their safety or autonomy, the desire for closeness is pushed underground by a default survival reflex which creates emotional distance.

• Boundary Setting Disguised as Vagueness: Instead of discussing the conflict directly, people who use avoidance often use vague statements like "I need more time" or "I'm not ready yet". This often hides the deeper inner conflict.

• Panic Can Overwhelm Love: By the time the conflict rises to the surface, the individual's actions are motivated by panic rather than love and this masks their true wants and needs.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how avoidance pushes ambivalence underground and how therapy can help:

Jack

Jack met Linda when both of them were in their mid-30s. They both felt drawn to each other  immediately. 

Several months into their relationship, Jack's apartment lease was about to expire and Linda suggested that he move in with her. 

Initially, Jack agreed and then, as the date to move in with Linda got closer, he became increasingly anxious.  Linda tried to talk to Jack about his anxiety, but he put her off by saying, "I think it's too soon to move in together. I need more time to think about it." 

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

Instead of moving in, Jack extended his lease for several more months to give himself time. In the meantime, Linda experienced her own anxiety about what Jack's ambivalence meant for their relationship.

Eventually, Jack moved in with Linda, but they spent less time together than when they were dating and living apart. He would spend long hours at the office and, when he was home, he spent much of his free time playing video games. 

When Linda tried to talk to Jack about his emotional distance, she felt she was getting nowhere because he made excuses. 

A few months after they moved in together, Linda told him that she was feeling increasingly lonely since he was either distracted with work or playing video games. She reminded him that she had told him early on in their relationship that she wanted to get married and have children and she was worried that their relationship was stagnating and time was passing.

Jack told her that he wasn't ready to consider marriage and he was nowhere near ready to think about children, "I feel like you're pressuring me when you know I'm not ready. I need time."

At that point, Linda gave Jack an ultimatum: Either they go to couples therapy to deal with their problems or she would leave him. 

Not wanting to lose Linda, Jack agreed to attend couples therapy, but his ambivalence continued to play out in couples therapy: He would make excuses not to go or find other reasons to avoid their sessions.

When the couples therapist confronted Jack with his ambivalence, he felt like he wanted to leave therapy rather than deal with his internal conflicts. But he knew if he stopped going to couples therapy altogether, he would lose Linda.

Over time, as the couples therapist got to know Linda and Jack better and understood their family histories, she pointed out the negative cycle that Jack and Linda were stuck in. She also pointed out how Jack's parents' marriage affected him: His father felt engulfed by his mother's emotional needs and he would find ways to avoid spending time with her.

As Jack became aware of the impact of his parents' relationship and the behaviors he was repeating in his own relationship, he knew he didn't want to make the same mistakes his parents made and he became more committed to working on his relationship in couples therapy.

Linda and Jack both learned tools and strategies to dig deeper into their unconscious motivations and how these motivations played out in their relationship.

Over time, Jack gradually became much less fearful of emotional intimacy and more committed to his relationship with Linda.  He allowed himself to be more emotionally present and vulnerable so that he was ready to make a commitment to get married. 

Several months after they got married, Linda became pregnant and she and Jack looked forward to raising a child together.

Conclusion

Avoidance pushes ambivalence underground by forcing internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and withdrawal.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

The person who uses ambivalence to avoid these internal conflicts often doesn't realize they are using avoidance to push down ambivalence because this is an unconscious process.

When this occurs in a relationship, the other partner can feel like they are being strung along and then they need to make their own decisions.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help couples to see the negative cycle they are stuck in and provide them with ways to get out of the stalemate if they choose to get out.

In situations like this, the person who feels they are being strung along will often tell their partner to get help in individual therapy, but this is a relationship problem so it needs to be addressed by both individuals in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in patterns that are causing problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Avoidance Coping? 

How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship 

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship  

Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner 

Overcoming Ambivalence

 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Disconnection and Loneliness in Relationships

Resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness tend to form a negative cycle in relationships where unspoken pain gradually creates"walls" that replace emotional and physical intimacy with distance.

Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

Resentment is a complicated emotional response to perceived mistreatment or unmet needs. Resentment is a mix of anger, bitterness and disappointment.

What is the Life Cycle of Resentment and Disconnection?

• A Slow Build Up: Resentment rarely develops overnight.  It builds up over time due to repeated experiences of feeling unseen, unheard or unsupported. Resentment often starts when one or both people in the relationship have unexpressed feelings as a result of wanting to avoid conflict.

• Emotional Numbing: As a way to avoid feeling emotional pain in the relationship, individuals "numb out" or detach emotionally. This withdrawal creates an unspoken rift (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?).

• Loneliness When Together: Unspoken resentment can lead to a sense of loneliness even when a couple is physically together in the same space. Their interactions can become transactional or as if on "autopilot' lacking warmth or genuine connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

• The Negative Cycle Feeds on Itself: The negative cycle of resentment, disconnection and loneliness feeds on itself. 

What Are the Signs of Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship?

The following are some of the signs:

• Silence and Avoidance: One partner staying up late to avoid their partner. One or both partners retreating to another room or avoiding topics that might create conflict.

Loss of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Loss of Intimacy: A decrease or cessation of affection, physical intimacy, meaningful conversation or interest in the other partner's inner emotional world.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior: Using sarcasm, subtle jabs or eye rolling as a form of contempt instead of direct communication (see my article: Improving Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Keeping Score: Constantly comparing efforts or bringing up old mistakes during unrelated arguments (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Strategies For Dealing With Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

• Acknowledge the Resentment: Address the resentment using "I" statements rather than being accusatory. Shift away from blame to vulnerability: "I miss you when we don't talk" instead of "You never talk to me!"

Disconnection and Distractions in Relationships

• Avoid Distractions: Instead of distracting yourself with your phone or being on the Internet, avoid distractions so you can connect with your partner. 

• Find Ways to Reconnect Emotionally: Find meaningful ways to reconnect by engaging in activities you both enjoy. This could involve planning a date night--even if that means staying at home and playing a game together or watching and talking about a favorite movie. In addition, make plans to take a trip together at least once a year, if that's possible. Instead of one person doing all the planning, plan it together as a way to connect and anticipate the pleasure of the upcoming trip.

• Find Ways to Reconnect Physically: Start slowly with physical touch and other gestures of affection. Talk about what you used to enjoy together sexually and what you each miss about not being physically intimate (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: When there has been a build up of resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness over a period of time, self help techniques are often not enough. If you have stopped having sex, a skilled couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to improve your relationship over time. This usually begins with a focus on emotional and relational issues before sexual issues are addressed.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Lisa and Ed

Married for 25 years, Lisa and Ed co-existed together in their home.

Both of them grew up in families where conflict was never discussed so neither of them knew how to talk about uncomfortable feelings. 

Rather than talking about the increasing emotional and physical gulf between them, they tried to avoid one another.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year. During their sexual encounters, they both experienced sex as "robotic" and disconnected, but neither of them knew how to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

After they had sex, Ed would usually roll over and go to sleep and Lisa would get up to do chores around the house. There were no expressions of affection either verbally or physically (see my article: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?).

Ed spent most of his free time in the basement tinkering in his workshop and Lisa spent most of her time driving their teenage sons to sports and other extracurricular activities.

Both of them were unaware of how their sons acted as a buffer between them until both sons left for college. At that point, Lisa and Ed felt increasingly lonely, but neither of them had the communication or relationship skills to talk about it.

Unhappy and desperate to change their situation, Lisa listened to a podcast with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) Julie Menanno, LMFT who talked about the negative cycle in relationships. 

As Lisa listened to the podcast, she realized that she and Ed were stuck in a negative cycle and it was possible to learn strategies for how they could break out of that cycle.

When she summoned the courage, Lisa broached the topic of attending couples therapy with Ed over dinner. She could see this made Ed very uncomfortable, but she persisted by telling him she realized they were both unhappy in their relationship and, as she was approaching her 50th birthday, she knew she wanted more out of a relationship.

Ed was reluctant to attend couples therapy at first, but he also sensed that Lisa might end their relationship and he wasn't ready to end their marriage. So, after considerable thought, Ed agreed to go to couples therapy.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Their couples therapist was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) who helped Ed and Lisa to develop the communication and relationship skills they were lacking.  This was challenging for both of them because it meant confronting their discomfort about difficult issues between them. But, over time, they improved their communication skills and let go of their fear of dealing with conflict and resentment.

Both of them were surprised to feel relieved to finally be able to address years of resentment in a way that was respectful and empathetic.  This helped them to open up emotionally in a way they had never experienced before. Gradually, they also let go of their resentments.

After several months, they were both ready to improve their sex life and their therapist provided them with psychoeducation about sex therapy homework to do at home. 

Initially, it was awkward for Lisa and Ed to be sexually intimate, but they developed patience and a sense of humor to overcome the awkwardness until, eventually, they were able to have a more satisfying sex life again.

The work was neither quick nor easy and, just like any other type of therapy, there were setbacks (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

However, step by step, Lisa and Ed saw gradual improvements that built on each other until, over time, they had the fulfilling relationship they wanted.

Conclusion

Resentment and emotional disconnection in a long term relationship usually builds up over time. 

When conflicts go unaddressed and unrepaired in a relationship and resentment increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness also increase until the couple is trapped in a negative cycle.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to improving the relationship. 

Although many couples end their current relationship and start a new one, they usually discover they develop the same problems in the new relationship because they don't have the communication and relationship skills necessary to sustain a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in One Relationship After the Next).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you want to improve your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and certified sex therapist (see my article: What is Couples Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do People Seek Help in Couples Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help to dispel many of the misconceptions about sex therapy. For instance, there is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article

How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship