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Monday, June 19, 2017

Overcoming the Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship

Adults, who have unresolved childhood trauma, are often insecure and jealous in their adult relationships.  They can make demands on their spouse or partner for constant reassurance, and they often perceive threats to the relationship where none exist (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy).

Overcoming Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship
Sadly, these adults may bring about the demise of their relationship by these demands and their emotional reactions to outside threats that don't exist.  These reactions take a toll on the relationship and erode its stability.

So, if the other partner is faithful, why does the partner who is jealous and insecure perceive threats where there are none?

Assuming there has been no history of infidelity, the answer is often found within the unresolved childhood trauma that is still playing out in adulthood (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Even though the trauma might have occurred many years before, it can get triggered again and again in the present, especially if the trauma was never addressed in therapy (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Childhood Wounds).

The psychological effect of the trauma remains within the traumatized brain and comes alive again under certain circumstances.  

An Example of How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Create Problems in Adult Relationships:
The following is a fictionalized vignette that demonstrates these dynamics:

Alice and Ted were married for five years when they came to couples therapy at Ted's suggestion.  He told the therapist that he was at his wit's end trying to deal with Alice's jealousy and frantic need for reassurance that he loves her.  

Ted told the therapist, "No matter how many times I try to reassure her, it's never enough.  I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  It's driving me crazy.  I've never cheated on her and there's no else in my life, but Alice becomes obsessed with jealousy and she can't stop crying and yelling at me.  She becomes inconsolable."

Overcoming the Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship
Alice agreed that she tends to get emotionally overwrought and she only realizes after the fact there's no reason to be upset.

She said, "I don't know what comes over me.  I feel like these waves of jealousy, fear, sadness and anger take control of me and I can't stop myself.  I really do know that Ted isn't cheating on me, but when these emotions get the best of me, my fear feels real.  Afterwards, I feel so ashamed and guilty and I tell Ted that it won't happen again, but then it happens again, even though I don't want it to.  I don't want to ruin my marriage."

Their childhood histories could not have been more different.  Whereas Ted grew up in a loving, stable home, Alice grew up in a chaotic family where her single mother was in and out of her life.  Her mother would often disappear unexpectedly and leave Alice in the care of a sibling who was only a few years older than Alice.

Making matters worse, Alice was removed from the home by the child welfare bureau and placed in foster care homes where she was physically abused.  This went on until Alice turned 18 and she moved out on her own.

Alice understood that the emotional upheaval that she experienced as a child caused her to feel insecure and it was difficult of her to trust people, especially in close relationships.

When she met Ted, one of the things that attracted her to him is that she knew he would be honest and trustworthy.  She knew he would be a good husband--and yet, five years in, she would regress to feeling like the insecure, scared child that she had been in the past.

The last argument that occurred between Alice and Ted a few days before they came for therapy.  Ted was talking about a project that he was working on with his colleague, Ellen.  In the course of the conversation, Ted mentioned that he had lunch with Ellen to go over a presentation that they were giving to senior management.  

"Right after I said it, I realized that it was a big mistake.  I could see the fear and anger in Alice's face, and I regretted mentioning it.  There's nothing going on between Ellen and I, and I think that deep down Alice knows this.  But in that moment, she started crying and accusing me of being unfaithful.  Then, she kept asking me to reassure her that I only wanted to be with her which, of course, I did.  But it didn't matter.  She kept crying and making accusations.  I got fed up and went to stay with my brother.  Even then, she was calling me and texting me.  She was desperate to talk to me, but I knew we would only continue to argue.  I knew I had to wait until she calmed down.  Then, she kept apologizing to me, but this keeps happening over and over again."

The therapist worked with Alice individually for a while to help her to become aware of her emotional triggers before these triggers overwhelmed her (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers and Working on Emotional Trauma: Separating the Past From the Present).

As a first step, she taught Alice how to use mindfulness to keep herself centered and bring about increased awareness to her emotional reactivity, so Alice could keep herself from overreacting (see my article: Developing Coping Skills).

By using mindfulness and being aware of the triggers that caused her reactivity, over time, Alice gradually learned how to stop herself from going into an emotional tailspin and arguing with Ted.  This was a good first step and it worked for her most of the time, but she was still struggling with her insecurities and it took a lot of effort to stay calm.

Once Alice developed better coping skills and began practicing mindfulness, the therapist helped Alice to work through the unresolved childhood trauma using EMDR Therapy (see my articles: Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is Affecting the Present and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

EMDR therapy got to the root of Alice's unresolved childhood trauma so that, gradually, she was no longer triggered.  She worked through the loss, overwhelming fear and sadness that she experienced as a child, and she no longer got triggered with her husband.

Getting Help in Therapy
You might not understand the underlying issues that contribute to your emotions, but a skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand and overcome these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than allowing your insecurity and jealousy to ruin your relationship and erode your self esteem, get help in therapy.  It could make all the difference for you and your partner.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.












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