Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is not defined by how many people you have in your life. You can have hundreds of people in your life, but if your connections with them aren't deep and authentic and if these connections aren't meaningful to you, you will experience loneliness.

Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is a subjective feeling. It's usually defined by the gap between the social connections you wish you had compared to what you actually have.

Loneliness isn't about being physically alone. It's a feeling--not a physical state. It doesn't matter how many people are around you, if your connections are shallow, you will probably feel lonely. 

Clients often describe their sense of loneliness as feeling emotionally disconnected from others and, in some cases, feeling misunderstood.

What Causes Loneliness?

Loneliness can be caused by many internal and external factors including:

    Internal Factors:

• Mental Health Conditions: Depression, anxiety (including social anxiety),a low sense of self worth and other mental health conditions can make it difficult to develop and maintain relationships.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Past Unresolved Trauma: Unresolved trauma where your trust was violated can make it difficult to trust people.

• Personality: For some people, personality is a factor. For instance, people who are very introverted might find it difficult to form and sustain friendships. 

    External Factors:

• Loss: The death of a loved one, divorce, a breakup or other types of loss can create a sense of loneliness (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One).

• Life Changes: Moving to a new area, retirement, starting a new job or school or becoming a new parent can disrupt social networks (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Overcoming Loneliness

• Social Isolation: Living alone in a remote area, having a disability that impacts mobility and the ability to have social interaction as well as other circumstances, can have a big impact on loneliness.

• Economic Factors: Financial struggles can make it difficult to participate in social activities.

• Cultural and Societal Pressures: An overreliance on technology instead of having more direct human contact, career stress and discrimination often contribute to loneliness.

What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?

There are fundamental differences between loneliness and solitude (see my article: What's the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Loneliness: As previously mentioned, loneliness involves wanting to have deeper connections with people but not having them. It can also involve an involuntary separation from meaningful relationships.

• Solitude: Solitude is a voluntary state where people are alone but they enjoy their time alone. They continue to have social relationships with others that they can return to when they want to reconnect with them. Their time alone can be balanced with their time with others.

How to Prevent or Overcome Loneliness

Overcoming loneliness requires making a conscious effort to make a change in your life.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

• Be aware that everyone experiences loneliness at some point, but it you feeling lonely most of the time, it's an indication that you need to make a change in your life (see my article: Developing the Internal Motivation to Change).

• Understand the impact that loneliness is having on your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Talk to someone in your life you can trust--a family member, friend or someone else you consider trustworthy.

• Get involved in community service or an activity you enjoy where you can connect with others in a meaningful way.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Anticipate the best from people instead of expecting to be rejected.

Overcoming Loneliness

• Focus on developing quality friendships with people who have similar attitudes, interests and values.

• Strengthen existing connections. While it's important to develop new connections, it's also important to strengthen current connections. Maybe there's a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Reach out to them.

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy can help you to overcome loneliness.  

Get Help in Therapy

Therapy provides a supportive environment to understand the root causes of loneliness including how mental health issues, coping skills, social skills, negative beliefs and prior traumatic experiences among other issues might be getting in your way.

Therapy can also help you to set and follow through on goals to overcome loneliness and deal with internal blocks which might be unconscious (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a licensed mental health professional to develop a more meaningful life with deeper connections.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome loneliness.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

Making Changes: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging

Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy  

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Why Do Heterosexal Men Tend to Have Fewer Friendships Than Women?

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Getting into a new relationship can be exciting and fun, but if you're bringing old wounds (also known as " emotional baggage") from a prior relationship into a new one, it can create a barrier to a trusting and genuine connection.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

What Does It Mean to Bring Old Wounds Into a New Relationship?

Old wounds from a prior relationship refers to unresolved issues including:

• Emotional issues
• Beliefs
• Habits

Examples of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship:

• Mistrust: A person who was cheated on in a prior relationship can have difficulty trusting a new partner--even when there's no reason to mistrust them.

• Fear of Abandonment: A person who was left in an unexpected way can become clingy and overly anxious in a new relationship (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy).

• Poor Self Esteem: A person who was criticized and put down in a prior relationship can feel unworthy of experiencing love in a new relationship.

• Making Comparisons: If a person constantly compares their new partner to their old partner, this can lead to unnecessary conflict in the new relationship (see my article: Comparisons and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

• Hiding Emotions: A person who was hurt when their feelings were used against them might become emotionally guarded and hide their emotions in their new relationship.

What is the Negative Impact of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Bringing old wounds into a new relationship creates problems because it can:

• Create Trigger Loops: Past experiences of betrayal or abandonment can cause specific triggers in a new relationship. Your partner might react with anxiety or fear to something relatively minor in your relationship. For instance, if you're mostly on time but one time you're a few minutes late to meet, your partner might get triggered if a prior partner had a lateness problem (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Build Walls: Unresolved pain from a prior relationship can build walls in your new relationship. This makes it harder to trust, communicate openly and feel connected with each other (see my article: How Therapy Can Help Bring Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Cause Fear: Old wounds can create a constant state of fear which isn't compatible with love. This fear can prevent you from being fully in the new relationship. It can also cause you to settle for less than what you deserve.

• Lead to Repeating Negative Patterns: If you don't resolve old issues from the past, you risk recreating them in the new relationship. If you mistake drama and chaos for love or find yourself in a negative cycle of conflict that feels familiar because it's the same negative patterns from the former relationship.

• Prevent You From Being Fully Present in the New Relationship: When you're constantly replaying old events from a former relationship, you're not fully present in the new relationship.  This can create distance in the new relationship and stop the new relationship from developing into a healthy connection.

• Distort Your Self Worth: Baggage from a prior relationship can make you question your sense of self worth. This can lead to accepting less than you deserve. It can also lead to sabotaging the new relationship.

• Prevents the New Relationship From Growing: If can be challenging to move forward when old baggage is holding you back.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Increase Self Awareness: Before you react, pause to identify what you're feeling and ask yourself if you're displacing old baggage onto the new relationship. Ask yourself if the situation might remind you of the hurt you experienced in a prior relationship. Are your feelings based on the past or the present situation? (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Stay in the Present: Stay in the present moment rather than getting lost in the past. Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you to stay in the present.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone has insecurities and it can take time to heal from old wounds (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate to your new partner what is acceptable to you and what isn't. 

• Communicate Openly: Use "I" statements to communicate with your partner without blaming your partner, For example: "I feel scared when you distance yourself from me and you stop talking. It brings up old feelings of when I felt abandoned as a child."

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Stop Comparing: Avoid comparing your new partner to your old partner. This is a new relationship and a new chapter in your life.

• Focus on Building Emotional Safety: Build emotional safety within your new relationship that includes active listening, emotional honesty and empathy (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Get Professional Support: A skilled mental health professional can help you to process unresolved feelings from a prior relationship. She can also help you to develop healthier relationship patterns. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how old wounds can affect a new relationship and how therapy can help:

Jack

When Jack and Beth started dating, they had a wonderful time together during the first few months. But by their fourth month together, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, problems began to surface.

Jack ended a prior two year relationship only a few weeks before he started dating Beth. His prior relationship with Alice was contentious and chaotic. They argued a lot and Beth cheated on Jack.

Jack found out that Beth was cheating with another man when Beth left her computer open and Jack saw sexts from another man. At first, he was stunned.  They had agreed to be monogamous early in the relationship and, even though Jack had opportunities to cheat on Beth when he traveled for work, he never cheated.

When confronted about the texts, Beth admitted she had been talking to a man online, but they had never met in person. She described it as an emotional affair. She said she felt lonely because Jack was away so much for work.  

Neither of them had the necessary communication skills to talk about the emotional affair. Jack told Beth, "Let's put it behind us" and he refused to talk about it.  But he was never able to forgive Beth for cheating.

Over time, Jack's resentment created walls. Gradually they became more and more emotionally distant from each other. They also stopped having sex.

By the end of two years, they both agreed they were unhappy and they decided to end their relationship.

A few months later, Jack met Alice. As previously mentioned, initially their relationship was going well. But in their fourth month together, Jack became jealous whenever Beth had to work on a project with a male colleague, Joe.

Despite reassurance from Beth that there was nothing going on between her and her male colleague, Jack felt anxious and irritable whenever Alice spent time with Joe. He treated Alice like she was cheating--even though there was no evidence of this.

After a few arguments, Alice told Jack she thought he was comparing her to his former girlfriend, Beth and he needed to seek help in therapy to deal with his old wounds or their relationship wasn't going to work.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

When Jack thought about it, he realized Alice was right, so he sought help from a licensed mental health professional to work through his unresolved feelings about his prior relationship.

His therapist was a trauma therapist who helped Jack to heal old wounds using EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

While he was working on healing his wounds, Jack also realized that the baggage he was bringing into his new relationship was also related to his childhood when his mother cheated on his father and they almost got a divorce. 

Even though his parents decided to stay together and "put it behind them", they never resolved their problems and they remained emotionally distant. Jack realized that he was repeating the same pattern because he was bringing his unresolved feelings into his relationship with Alice.

Jack's work in therapy was neither quick nor easy. Gradually, he healed his childhood wounds and the wounds he experienced in his relationship with Beth. 

When he made the connection between his old wounds and how he was treating Alice, he communicated openly with her about it.

As he continued to make connections in his trauma therapy, his relationship with Alice improved.

Conclusion

Old emotional wounds from your family of origin and prior relationships can have a negative impact on your current relationship.

Doing the work in therapy to work through old wounds can improve your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

In a prior article, The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution, I discussed how mind-body oriented therapies help to access solutions that are already in your unconscious mind.

These mind-body oriented therapies, which are also called known as Experiential Therapy, include: 

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) 

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy  (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems)

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

This is because these mind-body therapies provide a window into the unconscious mind (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Why Do Many People With Unresolved Trauma Have Problems Finding Solutions to Their Problems?

Here are some of the reasons why someone with unresolved trauma might have problems finding solutions to their problems:

• Ambivalence A person can really want to resolve their problems, but they might feel ambivalent. In other words, they have mixed feelings about it. A part of them wants to solve their problems, but another part of them might resist solutions for a variety of reasons, including fear and anxiety (see my article: Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence).

• Fear of the Unknown: Someone might have lived with a problem for a long time and they might be fearful what life might be like without their problem. They're accustomed to the problem and they fear the unknown (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Change).

• Fear of Uncertainty: Related to fear of the unknown is fear of uncertainty. This is especially true if people have experienced overwhelming uncertainty which was traumatizing in the past. For instance, if they grew up with a lot of uncertainty as children, they might be especially fearful of uncertainty as adults (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Unresolved Trauma and Fear of Uncertainty

• Lack of Self Confidence: When someone lacks self confidence, they might doubt their ability to come up with possible solutions to their problems (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy).

• Shame: Many people who have unresolved trauma have a negative belief that they were to blame for their traumatic past. For instance, a person who experienced sexual abuse might have a distorted belief that they were responsible for the abuse. In many cases, their parents or other adults might have told them it was their fault. These distorted negative beliefs can create a lot of shame that has a negative impact on many areas, including problem solving. They might erroneously believe that any problem they have is their own fault, which can be emotionally paralyzing when it comes to decision making (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

• Problems With Emotional Regulation: The thought of making a change, even a change that could resolve their problems, can be anxiety provoking for someone with unresolved trauma. If someone has a problem regulating their emotions, they might have problems coping. This can make them feel stuck (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Lack of Trust: If someone has experienced trauma, they might not trust solutions that involve relying on other people. This is often because, in the past, they weren't able to rely on people who were supposed to be trustworthy. They might even mistrust themselves to make the right choices.

• Compensatory Aspects to the Problem: There are many examples of compensatory aspects to problems. For instance, a person might want to stop drinking because they know it's bad for their health, their partner is complaining about it, and they're also missing days from  work. But they might also like the way they feel when they drink. Drinking might give them "liquid courage" in social situations. So, on the one hand, they want to quit but, on the other hand, they want to continue to experience how they feel when they drink.

• Perfectionism: People who tend to be perfectionists often find flaws with any solution to their problems. In their effort to find a "perfect solution", no solution seems adequate, so they remain stuck in their problem (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

• Fear of Making a Mistake: Even if someone isn't a perfectionist, they might feel emotionally paralyzed to risk trying a solution to their problems if they are afraid of making a mistake. This type of fear is often learned early childhood either from parents who are themselves fearful of making mistakes and who discourage their children from taking any risks (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Unresolved Trauma and a Negative Bias: People who have unresolved trauma often fear they will be traumatized again so change is hard for them. People with a negative bias anticipate everything that could go wrong with possible solutions. They anticipate the worst and they don't want to experience the overwhelming emotions they experienced when they were traumatized in the past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control: People who have unresolved trauma  often have a need to control outcomes in their life--even things they know they can't control. So, taking risks makes them fearful and uncomfortable (see my article: The Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control).

• Family or Cultural Issues: Someone might feel pressure to remain stuck in their problem because they don't want to go against family, religious or cultural traditions. For instance, if someone is in an unhappy marriage, they might remain in the marriage to appease their family, religion or cultural group.

How to Overcome Problems With Change Related to Trauma

• Practice Self Compassion: Strive to avoid self criticism and have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that change is hard, especially if you have unresolved trauma (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Write in a Journal: Journaling can be a valuable tool to help you deal with your anxiety and fear.  Writing about your anxiety and fear can help you to gain insight and challenge your doubts (see my article: Journaling to Relieve Stress and Anxiety.

• Practice Meditation and Breathing Exercises: Developing a meditation practice can help you to cope with anxiety and fear. Practicing breathing exercises can also help you to calm yourself (see my articles: The Benefits of Meditation and Learning to Relax With Square Breathing).

• Identify Triggers: Being able to identify triggers can help you to temporarily avoid people, places and things that might be too stressful for you to cope with at certain times in your life. It's a temporary solution until you get help in trauma therapy because you can't avoid situations that trigger you indefinitely. But until you get help in therapy, you can give yourself a temporary break while you're under a lot of stress (see my article: Coping With Trauma-Related Triggers).

• Restructure Your Distorted Negative Thoughts: Cognitive restructuring is a useful tool, especially if you have thoughts that tend to run away with themselves. When you restructure your thoughts, you look at your thoughts objectively and challenge the ones that are unrealistic (see my article: 5 Tips For Challenging and Restructuring Distorted Negative Thoughts).

• Reframe Your Distorted Negative Perspective: Reframing your perspective is similar to restructuring your thoughts. Instead of believing the worst possible scenario, learn to look at the same problem from a different angle. You might be able to reframe problems in terms of possible positive outcomes (Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

Get Help in Trauma Therapy: 

A skilled trauma therapist has advanced training in helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

Trauma Therapy For Unresolved Trauma

When you're considering a therapist, ask about their training, experience and background with regard to trauma.

An experienced trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma that keeps you stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.