What is the Step By Step IFS Therapy Process?

In my last article, Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy, I began a discussion about perfectionism and IFS therapy.

In the current article, I'm discussing the step-by-step process of IFS healing perfectionism.

Although I'm focusing on perfectionism, the IFS process for healing is the same for other problems including anxiety, depression and trauma as well as other mental health issues.

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

Instead of trying to force you to eliminate parts of yourself, IFS helps you to understand, communicate with and untangle these parts. 

This allows your Core Self, which is also known as your true self, to lead a life with compassion and balance (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?).

How Does IFS Therapy Help With Perfectionism?

As I have mentioned in my prior article, IFS is an gentle, evidence-based therapy that is effective for overcoming most mental health issues.

IFS Therapy and Perfectionism

From the IFS therapy perspective, perfectionism is driven by certain parts of the personality that include three different categories:

• Proactive Protectors ("Managers"): These protectors include the perfectionist and inner critic parts. The perfectionist part sets unreasonably high standards and the inner critic micromanages your behavior. Their goal is to ensure that you behave flawlessly so you never have to experience failure or judgment. The overall goal of proactive parts is to protect you from your wounded inner child (see below).

• Reactive Protectors ("Firefighters"): When the proactive protectors inevitably fail to live up to the "perfect" standards and the wounded parts of yourself get triggered, the firefighters, who are reactive protectors, step in to numb the pain. This might include sudden procrastination, drinking or drugging excessively, constant scrolling on your phone and so on--anything that numbs the pain. The reactive part's goal is also to protect the wounded inner child (see below).

• The Vulnerable Wounded Inner Child ("Exile"): This is the hidden part of your personality that carries the emotional wounds from the past. This part carries feelings of inadequacy, shame or the belief that you are only lovable when you succeed. The proactive and reactive parts work relentless to keep these wounded part buried so you don't feel the emotional pain. 

How Do These Parts Develop?

These parts don't just develop out of nowhere.

Childhood Wounded Parts 

They develop as survival strategies in response to your childhood, environment or cultural conditioning.

According to Dr. Richard Schwartz, who developed IFS therapy, parts are naturally healthy before they take on the burden of survival strategies. 

As I will explain below, the goal of IFS therapy is to help these parts to let go of their rigid, exhausting roles so they can take on new healthy roles.

What is the Step-By-Step Healing Process in IFS For Perfectionism?

IFS therapy has a step-by-step healing process:

• Stepping Back From Your Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: This is called "unblending" in IFS. From an IFS perspective, when you are "blended" or enmeshed with these parts, you believe that they are your entire identity instead of just a part of you. An IFS trained therapist can help you to create space between your CORE SELF, also known as your true identity, and your proactive parts. This space allows you to observe these parts rather than being consumed by them.

• Discovering the Positive Intent of the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: IFS therapy operates from the premise that there are "no bad parts", which means that every part has a positive intention. So, instead of fighting with the perfectionist and inner critic parts, you can approach them with curiosity and compassion. With the help of your IFS therapist, you learn to have an internal dialogue with these parts and you ask them what they think would happen if they stopped pushing you. The perfectionist and inner critic parts frequently respond that they are afraid if they didn't push you, you would get hurt again by being abandoned or rejected as you were in the past. In other words, the parts are trying to protect you in the only way they know how--by demanding perfection and criticizing you when, inevitably, you don't achieve perfection.

• Accessing the Calm and Compassionate Core Self: By experiencing a separation from these parts, you can gain access to your calm and compassionate Core Self. When you treat the parts with calm and compassion, instead of frustration and anger, their protective grip usually begins to soften.

• Healing the Underlying Emotional Wound ("The Unburdening Process"): Once the perfectionist and inner critic parts trust that your Core Self can handle things, they allow you and your IFS therapist to safely access the wounded part of yourself. At that point, your Core Self can comfort the inner child, witness its past pain, and help it to release ("unburden") the deeply held belief that its worth depends on being perfect. 

• Assigning New Roles to the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: In IFS therapy, healing these parts doesn't mean losing your drive or ambition. It means that once the underlying fear is resolved, the perfectionist and critical parts are freed from their exhausting "guard duty". At that point, they can transition into healthy new roles, such as being a detail-oriented ally, an organizer or a source of joyful creativity without ruling your sense of self worth.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As previously mentioned, IFS therapy is a gentle, evidence based therapy.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or  email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Understanding Your Protector Parts From an IFS Therapy Perspective

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

In my prior article, Journal Prompts to Cope With Perfectionism, I began a discussion about perfectionism.

In the current article, I'm discussing perfectionism from an IFS therapy perspective (see my article: IFS is a Gentle, Evidence Based Therapy).

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

In the next article, I'll discuss how IFS Therapy can help with overcoming perfectionism.

How Do Defensive Parts Develop?

From an IFS therapy perspective, defensive parts usually develop at an early age.

In IFS these parts are known as proactive and reactive parts.

When you're faced with trauma or adversity, some of the internal parts of yourself are forced to take on extreme, rigid roles to protect you from pain. This usually occurs when you have had experiences as a child of rejection, failure, loneliness, conditional love, abuse or childhood emotional neglect.

The Core Self: 

From an IFS perspective, the Core Self is not a part. 

Everyone is born with a Core Self and a natural ability to heal. However, when there is childhood trauma, the Core Self can get blended with your defensive parts (both proactive and reactive parts). That can make it difficult to access the Core Self. 

Your IFS therapist can help you to discover your Core Self which helps with the healing process (see below for explanations about the proactive and reactive/defensive parts).

The Core Self and the 8 Cs

The Core Self is composed of the 8 Cs:

• Curiosity: Wanting to learn about your thoughts and feelings without judgment
• Compassion: Feeling kind towards your inner struggles
• Calm: Feeling steady and peaceful inside--even during rough times
• Clarity: Seeing your situation clearly without emotional fog
• Courage: Feeling able to face hard truths and uncomfortable emotions
• Confidence: Trusting that you can handle what comes your way
• Creativity: Opening up to new ideas and flexible ways of thinking
• Connectedness: Feeling a deep sense of belonging within yourself and with others

The Wounded and Defensive Parts:

This is the usual sequence of how wounded and defensive parts develop and how IFS healing process:

• 1. The Wounded Child Develops First During Childhood Trauma: Before the proactive or reactive parts develop, a vulnerable child part is wounded. The vulnerable child part is not a proactive or reactive part. It's the part that holds the trauma. As an example, a child might be rejected, yelled at or abused by a parent when she gets a bad grade at school. The child internalizes the parent's attitude towards her and believes "I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless". In order to survive, the child's system buries the memory and painful emotion deep inside, which creates the exiled wounded child part.

• 2. The Perfectionist Part Steps Up to Prevent Pain (Proactive Part): Once the wounded part is buried, the internal system realizes it can never allow the wounded part to be triggered or exposed again. The proactive part emerges to police your life and prevent future pain before it can happen again. This part's strategy is, "If I can be perfect and never make mistakes, no one can ever reject or hurt me again."  This part takes over your consciousness and establishes impossibly high standards. This might work reasonably well for you as a child and you get praise from relatives and teachers, which reinforces this survival strategy. 

• 3. The Inner Critic Develops a Preemptive Shield: As life becomes more complex, maintaining 100% perfection becomes impossible. To protect you from the crushing blow of external judgment, a harsher manager called the inner critic, develops after the perfectionist develops. The inner critic believes that beating you up first (before you get external criticism) provides a safe shield. The inner critic's logic is, "If I criticize you for being lazy or messy before anyone else notices, I'll force you to fix it before others are able to hurt you." The inner critic often adopts the same words, attitude and tone of the critical authority figures from your past (parents, teachers and critical others). The inner critic learned that those voices are what define "safety" and "correctness".

• 4. The Parts Freeze in Time: The primary reason why these parts continue to be problems is that they are frozen in the past. Your perfectionist and critical parts often don't know that you are no longer child. They still believe you are that fragile child that couldn't survive without them.  

• 5. The Parts Take on Healthy Roles: As part of IFS therapy, you learn to have a dialogue and a relationship with these parts of yourself to help them to understand that you now have adult resilience.  As you develop a trusting relationship with these parts, they usually realize for the first time that you are no longer a fragile child that needs protection and they can relax instead of staying in exhausting roles. This allows them to take on healthy functions. For instance, instead of obsessively criticizing and striving for perfection, they might encourage you with a sense of healthy motivation.

Conclusion

For the sake of simplicity, I have described an inner world that has one wounded part, one proactive defensive part and one reactive defensive part. 

In reality, there are usually many wounded, proactive and reactive parts to heal.

Although I have focused on perfectionism, the IFS step-by-step process is the same for any other problem.

In my next article, I'll discuss how IFS therapy works to heal perfectionism.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been trying without success to work through your problems, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

IFS therapy can help you to heal your problems so you can be live a more fulfilling life free from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute free phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Somatic IFS? 

How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Can IFS Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

IFS-Informed EMDR: What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Combining EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy creates a powerful synergistic approach for recovering from trauma. 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

See my articles about EMDR and IFS: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

IFS Parts Work Therapy is a Gentle Evidence Based Trauma Therapy

How Are EMDR and IFS Therapies Integrated For Trauma Processing?

EMDR therapy uses accelerated processing to target traumatic memories while IFS provides a gentle nonpathologizing framework that honors the many aspects of the client's personality (also known as "parts").

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

Blending EMDR and IFS is called IFS-informed EMDR. The integration of these two therapies helps trauma therapists to navigate dissociation, resistance and processing blocks for clients with unresolved psychological trauma.

Phases 1 and 2: History Taking, Treatment Planning and Preparation: Whereas traditional EMDR focuses on identifying target memories and teaching basic grounding skills, integrating IFS shifts the focus to mapping the client's internal system and establishing foundational safety:

• Parts Mapping: The trauma therapist maps out the client's psychological protective system. These protective parts are known as Managers and Firefighters. The wounded parts of the client, which hold the client's trauma history, are known as Exiles.

IFS Mapping

• Identifying Negative Beliefs as Parts: Instead of treating negative beliefs as just thoughts, the therapist treats negative beliefs, like I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless", as protective parts which are trying to protect the client from future harm. 

• Cultivating Core Self Energy: The therapist ensures the client can access their Core Self. The Core Self is characterized by compassion, curiosity and other similar qualities. Core Self acts as the client's primary internal resource before trauma processing begins (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Parts in IFS Therapy).

Phases 3 and 4: Assessment and Reprocessing: This is where the synergy of integrating EMDR and IFS takes place. Instead of framing the client's "resistance" as a problem, the therapist understands the protective nature of resistant parts and uses IFS Parts Work to clear the path for EMDR's bilateral stimulation:

• Securing Protector's Consent: The client's protector part's permission is essential so, before using EMDR's bilateral stimulation on a traumatic memory, the therapist will check with the protective part guarding the memory. She will ask, "Is it okay if we look at this memory today? Would you be willing to step aside?"

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Handling Looping and Blocks: If processing stalls or the client dissociates, the therapist recognizes that a protector part has stepped in to block the intensity of the processing. If so, the therapist will introduce an IFS-informed cognitive interweave, "Can the part that is blocking the processing let us know what it is worried would happen if we keep going?" 

• Maintaining Functional Dual Attention: Dual attention means the client keeps one foot in the present moment (Core Self energy) while simultaneously witnessing the Exile's trauma during the bilateral stimulation (see my article: What is Dual Awareness in Psychotherapy?).

Phases 5 and 6: Installation and Body Scan: Once a memory has been desensitized, the focus shifts to internal alignment and somatic integration:

• Inviting the Parts to "Try On" Positive Beliefs: Instead of installing a positive belief globally (as would be done in traditional EMDR), the therapist will check out how individual parts of the client receive it. She will ask if the protective parts feel safe adopting a positive belief like "I am lovable" or "I feel empowered". 

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic "Befriending": During the body scan, if any residual tension is detected, the therapist will treat this physical sensation as a part. She will help the client to bring curiosity to this area of the body to see what emotional burden it is holding.

Phase 7 and 8: Closure and Re-evaluation: These final phases ensure the internal system remains stable and cohesive between sessions:

• Systemic Inclusion: Before closing an incomplete session, a trauma therapist explicitly checks back in with the protector parts that stepped aside. She will acknowledge their hard work, thank them for their cooperation and ensure they feel safe returning to their roles until the next session. 

• Assessing Systemic Shifts: At the start of the next session, the therapist will evaluate the client's inner world to see how the client's parts reacted to the last session. She will also check to see if new protectors have emerged or if old ones feel lighter. 

What Are the Benefits of Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy?

Integrating EMDR and IFS combines the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle framework of IFS. This hybrid approach, which is called IFS-Informed EMDR, addresses the limitations of each modality when used alone. 

IFS-Informed EMDR offers several distinct clinical advantages including:

• Reducing Dissociation and Emotional Flooding: Traditional EMDR can sometimes overwhelm certain clients with complex trauma. This overwhelm can lead to dissociation. The IFS benefit is that the therapist does not push beyond the client's defenses, which are seen as "parts". By identifying and gaining permission from protective parts before starting bilateral stimulation, the pacing of the therapy matches the client's internal threshold which prevents sudden decompensation (see my article: What is Complex Trauma?).

Integrating EMDR and IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Overcoming Treatment Blocks and Looping: In traditional EMDR, processing can stall ("loop") when the client's unconscious mind resists going to the traumatic memory. By using IFS, instead of viewing resistance as a hindrance, the therapist sees the protector part as doing its job. The therapist will pause the processing to hear the protector's fears (e.g., "If I let go of this fear, I'll be at risk for being traumatized again"). Hearing the protector's fears can unblock the processing without triggering internal conflict for the client.

• Providing an Internal Attachment Figure: Traditional EMDR relies heavily on the therapist as the external source of safety and containment during processing. IFS cultivates the client's Core Self energy of compassion and curiosity to act as the primary healing agent. The client's Core Self becomes the internal attachment figure that holds, validates and "re-parents" the wounded child part (known as the Exile) during trauma processing.

• Maximizing Safety For Complex PTSD: Clients with complex developmental trauma often lack a single, clear target memory to process which makes traditional EMDR therapy difficult to initiate. The IFS mapping provides a clear internal landscape because therapists can target the relationship between the parts or focus on the negative core beliefs held by a specific part. This offers a structured roadmap for clients with fragmented trauma histories.

• Enhancing Post-Session Integration: After an intense EMDR session, clients can sometimes experience a backslash from internal defenses that feel blindsided by the rapid changes. Integrating IFS involves explicitly thanking the protectors and checking back in with the internal system before ending the session. This ensures that the whole system feels respected which drastically reduces the possibility of a post session backlash.

Conclusion

Integrating EMDR therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy combines the best aspects of both trauma therapies including the rapid processing of EMDR and the gentle non-pathologizing aspects of IFS.

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

Whereas traditional talk therapy is a top-down approach, both EMDR and IFS are bottom up approaches (see my article: What is the "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?).

Get Help in IFS-Informed EMDR Therapy

If traditional talk therapy hasn't been effective in helping you to heal from trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who integrates the best aspects of EMDR and IFS.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with this integrated approach so you can work through trauma and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, IFS Parts Work, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Combining EMDR and IFS to Overcome Emotional Blocks 

EMDR Therapy - When Traditional Talk Therapy Isn't Enough 

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR? 

What Are Imaginal Interweaves in EMDR?

What is the Connection Between IFS and Neural Networks?

Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Parts Work Therapy

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is an evidence-based therapy approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind as made up of a complex system of parts that are led by an undamaged Core Self.

IFS Core Self, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS operates on the fundamental principle that there are "no bad parts". In other words, every part of yourself developed with a protective intention of helping you to survive.

What is the Structure of the Mind in IFS?

In IFS your mind consists of of a Core Self (also known as a True Self) and three distinct aspects:

The Core Self: 

The authentic, compassionate part of your being, the Core Self cannot be damaged by trauma. The qualities of the Core Self consist of the 8 Cs: 

• Calmness
• Curiosity
  
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Connectedness
  

Exiles: 

Exiles are the wounded, vulnerable parts of your mind. They usually originate from childhood trauma which often carry painful emotions like shame, anxiety and loneliness. Exiles are often out of conscious awareness until they get triggered so that they might not cause you overwhelming pain. They are "managed" by Manager and Firefighter parts (see below). 

Common examples of exile parts include: 

• The Abandoned Child Part: This part carries a deep terrifying fear of being rejected, left behind or unloved.

• The Shamed Child Part: This part carries the core belief of being inherently defective, unlovable, ugly or not good enough.

Shamed Child Exile Part

• The Invisible Child: This part feels completely unseen, unheard, uncared for and unimportant to caregivers and peers.

• The Terrorized Part: This part stores the raw terror, helplessness and physical panic of a past traumatic event.

• The Neglected Part: This part experiences chronic emptiness and a painful longing for affection and care.

• The Judged Part: This part contains the harsh criticism, feeling constantly scrutinized and inadequate.

What Are Common Triggers That Activate Exiles?

• A partner not responding to a text immediately
• Receiving constructive feedback during a work review
• Feeling excluded from a social event or group chat 
• Experiencing a minor medical scare or physical injury

Managers: 

Proactive protectors that run your daily life, they help to keep you organized, controlled, safe by trying to ensure that Exile parts don't come to the surface and flood you with overwhelming pain. Examples of manager parts include: 

• The Inner Critic: Monitors and evaluates your behavior with harsh self-talk. It shames you internally as a maladaptive way to motivate. It aims to correct flaws before anyone else detects them and judges you (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and demands flawlessness. This part believes that if your performance, appearance or work is completely "perfect", you will remain safe from failure, rejection or embarrassment (see my article: What is Perfectionism?).

The Perfectionist

• The People Pleaser/Caretaker: Prioritizes the emotions, comforts and needs of others over your own self-care. It seeks constant validation and smooths over external conflict to keep others happy, ensuring they never abandon you or reject you (Trauma and the People-Pleaser Part).

The People Pleaser/Caretaker

• The Planner/Controller: Attempts to micro-manager every aspect of your life, schedule and relationships. It obsesses over predictability and prepares for worst case scenarios to eliminate the danger of unforeseen emotional triggers. 

• The Achiever/Taskmaster: Drives relentless productivity and focuses heavily on success. It links your basic human worth to tangible output and accomplishments to shield you from feelings of inadequacy.

The Achiever/Taskmaster

• The Intellectualizer/Thinker: Relies strictly on logic, data and rational analysis. It acts as a cognitive shield, analyzing problems from a detached distance to explain away feelings and keep you from experiencing raw emotion.

• The Publicist/Image Manager: Carefully curates your words, physical presentation and external reputation. It ensures you always look highly competent, composed and successful to the outside world, masking any internal vulnerability (see my article: Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self).

• The Avoider/Passive Pessimist: Keeps a safe distance from emotionally risky situations, intimacy or new challenges. It protects the system by shutting down, opting for withdrawal or passivity so that closeness cannot trigger suppressed wounds.

Firefighters:

Firefighter are reactive protective parts that step in aggressively when an Exile's pain breaks through the Manager's defenses. They attempt to rapidly extinguish or numb emotional distress by any means necessary. 

Unlike Manager parts which proactively plan to manage pain, Firefighter parts act impulsively and they are focused on immediate, short term relief without considering the long term consequences. These include:

The Numb-Out and Escape Strategies: These parts seek to detach from reality or dull the intensity of an activated emotion:

• The Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller: This part can spend hours scrolling social media, playing video games or binge watch TV to completely tune out reality.

Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller on Social Media

• The Dissociator: Pulls your mind away from your body causing you to "zone out" during intense situations or to feel detached from your physical presence.

• The Sleeper: Uses extreme fatigue or unprompted naps as a tactical emergency exit to avoid experiencing distress.

• The Daydreamer: Escapes chronic pain by retreating entirely into elaborate fantasies or internal worlds. 

The Substance Abuse and Comfort Soothers

These parts look to external, chemical or physical substances to smother painful feelings immediately:

• The Drinker/User: Relies heavily on alcohol, marijuana or other substances to artificially quiet an internal emotional storm.

• The Comfort Eater: Urges overeating to blanket feelings of loneliness, sadness or stress.

• The Compulsive Shopper: Impulsively spends to get the sudden burst of dopamine to mask an inner void (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

The Impulse and Adrenaline Chasers

These parts attempt to replace unbearable underlying emotions, like shame or helplessness, with highly stimulating, high octane physical sensations:

• The Rager: Deflects vulnerable feelings by launching into sudden, explosive angry outbursts, slamming doors or starting verbal fights.

The Risk Taker

• The Risk Taker: Drives dangerously or engages in reckless behavior such as extreme speeding, gambling or unsafe sexual encounters, using adrenaline to overpower emotional pain.

• The Self Harmer: Expresses internal pain or seeks release from emotional numbness through physical self injury or suicidal ideation.

How Do Managers and Firefighters Differ From Each Other?

To understand your internal world, it helps to understand the difference between Manager parts, Firefighter parts and Exiles:

Managers

• Core Strategy: Control and prevention
• Behavioral Goal: Keep life orderly; minimize social and emotional risk
• Timing: Proactive (before pain occurs)

Firefighters

• Core Strategy: Distraction and numbing
• Behavioral Goal: Extinguish overwhelming emotional fires at all costs (e.g, drinking, drugging, gambling, dissociation, etc).
• Timing: Reactive (after an exile is triggered)

Exiles

• Core Strategy: Vulnerability and burden
• Behavioral Goal: Contain deep emotional wounds, childhood trauma, shame and loneliness
• Timing: Suppressed (hidden beneath protector parts)

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is an effective, evidence-based, gentle trauma therapy. 

Although it is gentle, it is also powerful in terms of healing trauma.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS prioritizes pacing, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework that doesn't force a client to relive their traumatic events. 

If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, consider working with a skilled IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

How Can IFS Help With Trauma?

 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You Discover Your True Self?

In prior articles, I have been discussing how an individual's social media self can create confusion between the carefully curated self and the True Self.

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy 

If you haven't read those articles, here are the links:

• Confusing Your Social Media Self With Your True Self 

• How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media Self and Your True Self?

Confusion About the Real You

Aside from social media, there are many ways you can get confused about your True Self.

Confusion about the True Self often occurs when external pressure, mental habits, or trauma disconnect you from your core feelings, values and desires:

• Social Masking (Persona Confusion)
• The Problem: Confusing your public role with your personal identity
• The Cause: Over-identifying with a job title, social status or family role
• The Result: Feeling empty when you step away from a specific role

• People Pleasing (Fawn Response)
• The Problem: Adopting the opinions or desires of others to feel safe or liked
• The Cause: Chronic seeking of external validation or childhood conditioning
• The Result: An inability to identify your own preferences when you are on your own

• Internalization of Parental and/or Societal Values
• The Problem: Mistaking internalized voices of your parents or society for your own
• The Cause: Growing up in a rigid, judgmental or dogmatic environment
• The Result: Pursuing goals you don't really care about, which can result in burnout, anxiety or depression

• Over-Identification With Your Passing Thoughts and Emotions
• The Problem: Believing you are your passing moods, anxiety or critical thoughts
• The Cause: Lack of mindfulness or psychological detachment
• The Result: A chaotic sense of identity that changes with shifting thoughts and emotions

• Trauma-Based Emotional Numbing
• The Problem: Numbing or disconnection from your body and emotional core
• The Cause: Survival strategies developed to survive overwhelming past experiences 
• The Result: Feeling like a detached observer of your own life rather than a participant

• The "Ego Ideal" Narrative
• The Problem: A preference for an idealized, "perfect" version of who you think you should be
• The Cause: Perfectionism and a refusal to accept your own flaws
• The Result: Rejecting your actual traits, talents and limitations

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself?).

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is considered an Experiential Therapy that is different from traditional talk therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy).

IFS can help you to discover your True Self (also known as Core Self in IFS) by identifying the protective "parts" of your personality that act as a shield to "protect" you from seeing yourself as you truly are in real life.

Understanding the IFS Parts Work Therapy Framework

In IFS "parts" are metaphors for internal aspects that make up your inner world.

IFS views your mind as having subpersonalities (or parts) that are, ideally, led by your Core Self with Core Self being the authentic essence who you are (see below).

With regard to the protector parts, you can think of them as defense mechanisms whose aim is to protect you, but who can get in the way of knowing your True Self (see my article: What Are the Similarities and Differences Between IFS and Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy?).

Core Self (also called "Self" in IFS): Your true essence characterized by the 8 Cs of IFS:

• Calmness: A grounded, steady state of the nervous system that allows you to observe and manage triggers without reacting immediately (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

• Compassion:A warm, caring non-judgmental attitude toward yourself and others.

Discovering Your Tue Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Curiosity: A desire to understand your thoughts and emotions (as well as the thoughts and emotions of others) which replaces judgment with an open, inquiring mindset

• Clarity: The ability to perceive situations, thoughts and emotions without distortion or mental fog

• Confidence: An internal sense of trust and capability rather than arrogance or a need to depend solely on external validation

• Courage: The inner strength to face difficult emotions, take risks and navigate vulnerable truths

• Creativity: The ability to think flexibly, realize your potential, and find solutions to problems (see my article: Creativity and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice)

• Connectedness: A sense of inner unity as well as a feeling of belonging and connection with the real world around you.

The parts include:

• Managers: Proactive parts of you that protect you in the same way that defense mechanisms do.

• Firefighters: Reactive parts that act out when the manager parts aren't enough. Firefighters act out when you feel judged, rejected, ignored or experience other triggers. Examples of firefighter reactions might include drinking, drugging, gambling and other compulsive and impulsive maladaptive behaviors as a way to blunt emotional pain.

• Exiles: Hidden parts of yourself that hold pain and trauma, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and other painful feelings. 

How Can IFS Parts Work Help You to Discover Your True Self?

With regard to confusing your social media self with your True Self:

• Identifies the "Influencer" Manager Part: IFS helps you notice the specific part of your mind that curates your social media feed. This part strives for perfection, edits your life and seeks mostly external validation to protect you from criticism and other unpleasant feelings.

• Uncovers the Vulnerable Exile: Behind the polished online persona is usually an exiled part that feels lonely, invisible and "not enough". Your curated self on social media exists to prevent you from feeling this deep pain that is held by the exile part, but it comes at the expense of recognizing your True Self.

• Fosters "Unblending": In IFS Parts Work Therapy, you learn to step back from the anxious, image-conscious parts. This process is called "unblending" and it allows your authentic self, also known as your Core Self (or True Self) to emerge.

• Transitions From Only External Validation to Connection: Everyone needs external validation from time to time, but there are some people who rely mostly on external validation from social media. Once you unblend from your manager parts in IFS Therapy, your Core Self can offer validation to your hurt or traumatized exile parts. This reduces your reliance on "likes", comments, views and shares on social media.

What Steps Can You Take on Your Own?

If you don't have access to an IFS therapist, there are some steps you can take on your own:

• Notice the Impulse: When you feel an urgent need to post on social media, ask yourself, "Which part of me is driving this?"

• Extend Compassion: Don't get angry or judgmental with your image-conscious part. Acknowledge that it is just trying to protect you from rejection, hurt and emotional pain and extend compassion to it (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Check Your Energy: Notice if your online sharing comes from a place within you of anxiety, which is a part, or a place of calm and genuine connection (Core Self or True Self).

Conclusion

One short article can't give a complete picture of IFS, but I hope this article provides a sense of how IFS can help you discover and understand the various parts of your inner world.

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS Therapy can help you to discover your True Self and distinguish your core identity from your protective and wounded inner parts.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilled life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.