How Do IFS Parts Work Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems and was developed by Richard Schwartz, PhD, in the1980s (see my article: What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process?)

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

IFS therapy is a IFS is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy that is called a parts work therapy. There were prior parts work therapies including Ego States Therapy, which was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1960s (see my article: How Can Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Be More Creative?).

IFS is one of many types of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

I did my original training in Ego States Therapy while learning Clinical Hypnosis in 2012--just before I trained in Somatic Experiencing.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

Most Experiential Therapies use clinical intuition, but each use it in a different way (see my article: What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?).

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

To understand IFS therapy, you need to understand that we are all made of a multiplicity of internal parts. Some professionals use the term "self states" instead of "parts", but it means the same thing (see my article: Embracing Your Many Self States).

Clinical intuition in IFS therapy is the IFS therapist's ability to sense, track and resonate with the client's internal system of parts without relying only on the client's explicit verbal information.

In IFS therapy and other types of Experiential therapies, intuition isn't a mystical or magical superpower. Instead, it is the direct byproduct of an IFS therapist, who has in depth training in IFS, using their Core Self presence (see my article: Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy?

Operating from their Core Self, IFS therapists pick up on the client's somatic shifts, unexpressed and unconscious protective survival strategies and the subtle energy of the wounded parts of the client.

When an IFS therapist has done their own psychological work in therapy, their clinical intuition becomes a highly valuable tool for navigating their clients' complex internal systems.

They do this by:

• Detecting the Client's Hidden Internal Protector Parts: Intuition alerts the IFS therapist when a client says they're "fine" but, in reality, the client has internal protector parts that are trying to protect clients' by blocking access to the more wounded parts of the client to ensure safety. The term "protector parts" is another way of saying defense mechanisms, which is a term used in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy.

• Sensing Their Own Internal Somatic Sensations: The IFS therapist is trained to detect their own embodied experience, also called the felt sense. This might include a tightening in their chest or a noticeable shift in their own breathing. This usually mirrors the client's experience that is unconscious, so the client hasn't noticed it yet.

• Tracking Backlash: Clinical intuition helps the IFS therapist to foresee when she might move too quickly and an internal emotionally wounded part gets triggered if she doesn't follow the step-by-step IFS process.

• Recognizing a Sudden Urge to "Fix" the Client: A sudden urge to "fix" the client or push for a psychological breakthrough is an intuitive signal from the IFS therapist's inner world. Since this could trigger a backlash, the IFS therapist is trained to observe this urge within herself and refocus on her Core Self to work within the client's window of tolerance.

Balancing Clinical Intuition With IFS Therapy's Step-By-Step Process

While intuition can guide the direction of therapy, IFS requires a careful balance to ensure that the therapist is attuned to the client and doesn't impose her own assumptions on the client.

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition

The following is a comparison of when only pure intuition is used rather than the therapist using her own attuned Core Self to understand what is happening to the client.

Note: The IFS Core Self application is the correct way to proceed clinically in IFS Therapy.

Intuitive Attribute: Pacing of the Therapy: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition (without IFS process): An example would be rushing to discover the client's wounded part because it feels open and ready to be discovered.

• The IFS Core Self Application: Slows down to ask permission from the client's defenses first. This is a very important step.

Intuitive Attribute - Interpretation: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of this would be identifying a client's part without feedback from the client and the part. 

How Do IFS Therapists Use Clinical Intuition?

• The IFS Core Self Application: Asking the client, "How do you feel towards this part right now?"

Intuitive Attribute - Somatic Tracking: 

• Using Only Pure Intuition: An example of only using pure intuition (without the therapist attuned Core Self) would be making an assumption that a client's tight jaw means they are angry.

• The Core Self Application: The therapist shares her observation with the client without making an assumption. Instead of making an assumption, the therapist asks the client how they experience the tightened jaw and what emotion or thought might be connected to it.

How Does An IFS Therapist Develop IFS-Specific Intuition?

• Doing Their Own Therapy: When I did my first postgraduate training in psychoanalysis and psychodynamic therapy, we were all required to do our own three-time-per-week psychoanalysis for the four years I was in the program.  This was a very important part of the training, along with having three clinical supervisors, classes and seeing clients at the psychotherapy center as a Fellow of the program. A therapist's deep understanding of their inner world allows them to provide safe, effective and ethical treatment. It prevents their own personal biases and unresolved issues from interfering with the client's healing process. In IFS therapy, this means that a therapist maintains a healthy connection with her own parts to keep a clear and open channel for IFS-specific intuition. I will discuss this topic further in another article with regard to. the importance of all therapists attending their own therapy as well as working with qualified supervisors, especially when they are new therapists.

• Choosing Resonating Over Reasoning: IFS therapists are trained to shift from cognitive analytic tracking to somatic and energetic resonance in the room with the client.

• Grounding in Curiosity and Compassion: IFS therapists are trained to ground themselves in calm, curiosity and compassion which is part of the Core Self's 8 Cs (the other Cs are: clarity, courage, confidence, creativity, and connectedness. Intuition can develop naturally when the therapist isn't striving for a particular outcome.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As I mentioned earlier, IFS therapy is one of many different types of Experiential therapy (the others include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EFT couples therapy and AEDP.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to work through a personal problem or if you have unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

When you are able to free yourself from your history of distress or trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Ego States, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy: Is An Unconscious Part of Yourself in Charge of Your Life?

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy 

The Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy? 

In Experiential Therapy There Are No "Blank Slate" Therapists

Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Parts Work Therapy

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is an evidence-based therapy approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind as made up of a complex system of parts that are led by an undamaged Core Self.

IFS Core Self, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS operates on the fundamental principle that there are "no bad parts". In other words, every part of yourself developed with a protective intention of helping you to survive.

What is the Structure of the Mind in IFS?

In IFS your mind consists of of a Core Self (also known as a True Self) and three distinct aspects:

The Core Self: 

The authentic, compassionate part of your being, the Core Self cannot be damaged by trauma. The qualities of the Core Self consist of the 8 Cs: 

• Calmness
• Curiosity
  
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Connectedness
  

Exiles: 

Exiles are the wounded, vulnerable parts of your mind. They usually originate from childhood trauma which often carry painful emotions like shame, anxiety and loneliness. Exiles are often out of conscious awareness until they get triggered so that they might not cause you overwhelming pain. They are "managed" by Manager and Firefighter parts (see below). 

Common examples of exile parts include: 

• The Abandoned Child Part: This part carries a deep terrifying fear of being rejected, left behind or unloved.

• The Shamed Child Part: This part carries the core belief of being inherently defective, unlovable, ugly or not good enough.

Shamed Child Exile Part

• The Invisible Child: This part feels completely unseen, unheard, uncared for and unimportant to caregivers and peers.

• The Terrorized Part: This part stores the raw terror, helplessness and physical panic of a past traumatic event.

• The Neglected Part: This part experiences chronic emptiness and a painful longing for affection and care.

• The Judged Part: This part contains the harsh criticism, feeling constantly scrutinized and inadequate.

What Are Common Triggers That Activate Exiles?

• A partner not responding to a text immediately
• Receiving constructive feedback during a work review
• Feeling excluded from a social event or group chat 
• Experiencing a minor medical scare or physical injury

Managers: 

Proactive protectors that run your daily life, they help to keep you organized, controlled, safe by trying to ensure that Exile parts don't come to the surface and flood you with overwhelming pain. Examples of manager parts include: 

• The Inner Critic: Monitors and evaluates your behavior with harsh self-talk. It shames you internally as a maladaptive way to motivate. It aims to correct flaws before anyone else detects them and judges you (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and demands flawlessness. This part believes that if your performance, appearance or work is completely "perfect", you will remain safe from failure, rejection or embarrassment (see my article: What is Perfectionism?).

The Perfectionist

• The People Pleaser/Caretaker: Prioritizes the emotions, comforts and needs of others over your own self-care. It seeks constant validation and smooths over external conflict to keep others happy, ensuring they never abandon you or reject you (Trauma and the People-Pleaser Part).

The People Pleaser/Caretaker

• The Planner/Controller: Attempts to micro-manager every aspect of your life, schedule and relationships. It obsesses over predictability and prepares for worst case scenarios to eliminate the danger of unforeseen emotional triggers. 

• The Achiever/Taskmaster: Drives relentless productivity and focuses heavily on success. It links your basic human worth to tangible output and accomplishments to shield you from feelings of inadequacy.

The Achiever/Taskmaster

• The Intellectualizer/Thinker: Relies strictly on logic, data and rational analysis. It acts as a cognitive shield, analyzing problems from a detached distance to explain away feelings and keep you from experiencing raw emotion.

• The Publicist/Image Manager: Carefully curates your words, physical presentation and external reputation. It ensures you always look highly competent, composed and successful to the outside world, masking any internal vulnerability (see my article: Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self).

• The Avoider/Passive Pessimist: Keeps a safe distance from emotionally risky situations, intimacy or new challenges. It protects the system by shutting down, opting for withdrawal or passivity so that closeness cannot trigger suppressed wounds.

Firefighters:

Firefighter are reactive protective parts that step in aggressively when an Exile's pain breaks through the Manager's defenses. They attempt to rapidly extinguish or numb emotional distress by any means necessary. 

Unlike Manager parts which proactively plan to manage pain, Firefighter parts act impulsively and they are focused on immediate, short term relief without considering the long term consequences. These include:

The Numb-Out and Escape Strategies: These parts seek to detach from reality or dull the intensity of an activated emotion:

• The Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller: This part can spend hours scrolling social media, playing video games or binge watch TV to completely tune out reality.

Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller on Social Media

• The Dissociator: Pulls your mind away from your body causing you to "zone out" during intense situations or to feel detached from your physical presence.

• The Sleeper: Uses extreme fatigue or unprompted naps as a tactical emergency exit to avoid experiencing distress.

• The Daydreamer: Escapes chronic pain by retreating entirely into elaborate fantasies or internal worlds. 

The Substance Abuse and Comfort Soothers

These parts look to external, chemical or physical substances to smother painful feelings immediately:

• The Drinker/User: Relies heavily on alcohol, marijuana or other substances to artificially quiet an internal emotional storm.

• The Comfort Eater: Urges overeating to blanket feelings of loneliness, sadness or stress.

• The Compulsive Shopper: Impulsively spends to get the sudden burst of dopamine to mask an inner void (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

The Impulse and Adrenaline Chasers

These parts attempt to replace unbearable underlying emotions, like shame or helplessness, with highly stimulating, high octane physical sensations:

• The Rager: Deflects vulnerable feelings by launching into sudden, explosive angry outbursts, slamming doors or starting verbal fights.

The Risk Taker

• The Risk Taker: Drives dangerously or engages in reckless behavior such as extreme speeding, gambling or unsafe sexual encounters, using adrenaline to overpower emotional pain.

• The Self Harmer: Expresses internal pain or seeks release from emotional numbness through physical self injury or suicidal ideation.

How Do Managers and Firefighters Differ From Each Other?

To understand your internal world, it helps to understand the difference between Manager parts, Firefighter parts and Exiles:

Managers

• Core Strategy: Control and prevention
• Behavioral Goal: Keep life orderly; minimize social and emotional risk
• Timing: Proactive (before pain occurs)

Firefighters

• Core Strategy: Distraction and numbing
• Behavioral Goal: Extinguish overwhelming emotional fires at all costs (e.g, drinking, drugging, gambling, dissociation, etc).
• Timing: Reactive (after an exile is triggered)

Exiles

• Core Strategy: Vulnerability and burden
• Behavioral Goal: Contain deep emotional wounds, childhood trauma, shame and loneliness
• Timing: Suppressed (hidden beneath protector parts)

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is an effective, evidence-based, gentle trauma therapy. 

Although it is gentle, it is also powerful in terms of healing trauma.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS prioritizes pacing, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework that doesn't force a client to relive their traumatic events. 

If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, consider working with a skilled IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

How Can IFS Help With Trauma?

 

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You Discover Your True Self?

In prior articles, I have been discussing how an individual's social media self can create confusion between the carefully curated self and the True Self.

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy 

If you haven't read those articles, here are the links:

• Confusing Your Social Media Self With Your True Self 

• How Can Psychotherapy Help With Confusion Between Your Social Media Self and Your True Self?

Confusion About the Real You

Aside from social media, there are many ways you can get confused about your True Self.

Confusion about the True Self often occurs when external pressure, mental habits, or trauma disconnect you from your core feelings, values and desires:

• Social Masking (Persona Confusion)
• The Problem: Confusing your public role with your personal identity
• The Cause: Over-identifying with a job title, social status or family role
• The Result: Feeling empty when you step away from a specific role

• People Pleasing (Fawn Response)
• The Problem: Adopting the opinions or desires of others to feel safe or liked
• The Cause: Chronic seeking of external validation or childhood conditioning
• The Result: An inability to identify your own preferences when you are on your own

• Internalization of Parental and/or Societal Values
• The Problem: Mistaking internalized voices of your parents or society for your own
• The Cause: Growing up in a rigid, judgmental or dogmatic environment
• The Result: Pursuing goals you don't really care about, which can result in burnout, anxiety or depression

• Over-Identification With Your Passing Thoughts and Emotions
• The Problem: Believing you are your passing moods, anxiety or critical thoughts
• The Cause: Lack of mindfulness or psychological detachment
• The Result: A chaotic sense of identity that changes with shifting thoughts and emotions

• Trauma-Based Emotional Numbing
• The Problem: Numbing or disconnection from your body and emotional core
• The Cause: Survival strategies developed to survive overwhelming past experiences 
• The Result: Feeling like a detached observer of your own life rather than a participant

• The "Ego Ideal" Narrative
• The Problem: A preference for an idealized, "perfect" version of who you think you should be
• The Cause: Perfectionism and a refusal to accept your own flaws
• The Result: Rejecting your actual traits, talents and limitations

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?

IFS stands for Internal Family Systems (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself?).

Discovering Your True Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is considered an Experiential Therapy that is different from traditional talk therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy).

IFS can help you to discover your True Self (also known as Core Self in IFS) by identifying the protective "parts" of your personality that act as a shield to "protect" you from seeing yourself as you truly are in real life.

Understanding the IFS Parts Work Therapy Framework

In IFS "parts" are metaphors for internal aspects that make up your inner world.

IFS views your mind as having subpersonalities (or parts) that are, ideally, led by your Core Self with Core Self being the authentic essence who you are (see below).

With regard to the protector parts, you can think of them as defense mechanisms whose aim is to protect you, but who can get in the way of knowing your True Self (see my article: What Are the Similarities and Differences Between IFS and Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy?).

Core Self (also called "Self" in IFS): Your true essence characterized by the 8 Cs of IFS:

• Calmness: A grounded, steady state of the nervous system that allows you to observe and manage triggers without reacting immediately (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

• Compassion:A warm, caring non-judgmental attitude toward yourself and others.

Discovering Your Tue Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Curiosity: A desire to understand your thoughts and emotions (as well as the thoughts and emotions of others) which replaces judgment with an open, inquiring mindset

• Clarity: The ability to perceive situations, thoughts and emotions without distortion or mental fog

• Confidence: An internal sense of trust and capability rather than arrogance or a need to depend solely on external validation

• Courage: The inner strength to face difficult emotions, take risks and navigate vulnerable truths

• Creativity: The ability to think flexibly, realize your potential, and find solutions to problems (see my article: Creativity and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice)

• Connectedness: A sense of inner unity as well as a feeling of belonging and connection with the real world around you.

The parts include:

• Managers: Proactive parts of you that protect you in the same way that defense mechanisms do.

• Firefighters: Reactive parts that act out when the manager parts aren't enough. Firefighters act out when you feel judged, rejected, ignored or experience other triggers. Examples of firefighter reactions might include drinking, drugging, gambling and other compulsive and impulsive maladaptive behaviors as a way to blunt emotional pain.

• Exiles: Hidden parts of yourself that hold pain and trauma, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy and other painful feelings. 

How Can IFS Parts Work Help You to Discover Your True Self?

With regard to confusing your social media self with your True Self:

• Identifies the "Influencer" Manager Part: IFS helps you notice the specific part of your mind that curates your social media feed. This part strives for perfection, edits your life and seeks mostly external validation to protect you from criticism and other unpleasant feelings.

• Uncovers the Vulnerable Exile: Behind the polished online persona is usually an exiled part that feels lonely, invisible and "not enough". Your curated self on social media exists to prevent you from feeling this deep pain that is held by the exile part, but it comes at the expense of recognizing your True Self.

• Fosters "Unblending": In IFS Parts Work Therapy, you learn to step back from the anxious, image-conscious parts. This process is called "unblending" and it allows your authentic self, also known as your Core Self (or True Self) to emerge.

• Transitions From Only External Validation to Connection: Everyone needs external validation from time to time, but there are some people who rely mostly on external validation from social media. Once you unblend from your manager parts in IFS Therapy, your Core Self can offer validation to your hurt or traumatized exile parts. This reduces your reliance on "likes", comments, views and shares on social media.

What Steps Can You Take on Your Own?

If you don't have access to an IFS therapist, there are some steps you can take on your own:

• Notice the Impulse: When you feel an urgent need to post on social media, ask yourself, "Which part of me is driving this?"

• Extend Compassion: Don't get angry or judgmental with your image-conscious part. Acknowledge that it is just trying to protect you from rejection, hurt and emotional pain and extend compassion to it (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Check Your Energy: Notice if your online sharing comes from a place within you of anxiety, which is a part, or a place of calm and genuine connection (Core Self or True Self).

Conclusion

One short article can't give a complete picture of IFS, but I hope this article provides a sense of how IFS can help you discover and understand the various parts of your inner world.

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS Therapy can help you to discover your True Self and distinguish your core identity from your protective and wounded inner parts.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilled life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Develop a Curious Mindset

Being curious has emotional, psychological, social and health benefits.

Developing a Curious Mindset

Being curious also strengthens relationships by promoting active listening and empathy.

Curiosity can also lower anxiety because seeking new information is a "feel good" stimulator that can keep the brain from focusing on worst case scenarios.

What Are the Key Benefits of a Curious Mindset?

The following are some of the benefits of being curious:

• Enhanced Learning and Memory: Curious people tend to learn faster and retain information better because curiosity activates the brain's reward center and hippocampus

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Stronger Relationships: Curious people are usually viewed as being warmer and more approachable. They tend to build deeper connections by genuinely engaging in others' ideas and perspectives.

• Increased Mental Health and Resilience: A curious mindset, which is similar to a growth mindset, helps individuals to adapt to challenges and reduce stress, resulting in greater life satisfaction.  

• Professional Growth and Creativity: Curiosity drives innovation, boosts career performance, and helps to find solutions to problems.

• Improved Cognitive Health: Curiosity keeps the mind active and engaged, which strengthens mental capacity.

How to Become a More Curious Person

Becoming a more curious person is a skill that can be developed by shifting from a "know it all" to a "learn it all" mindset.

Curiosity is like a muscle. It requires regular exercise and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.

    Habits to Develop a Curious Mindset

• Ask "Why" and "How": Move beyond simple facts. Instead of just learning what something is, ask why it originated and how it works so you can gain a deeper understanding.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Adopt a "Beginners Mindset": Approach topics that you already know with fresh eyes. Get comfortable with saying "I don't know" or "I don't understand" to keep your mind open to new information. Then, get curious (see my article: Beginners Mind).

• Keep a Curiosity Journal: Collect ideas, quotes and random questions that pop into your mind throughout the day.

• Read Outside Your Field: Explore topics, books or articles that are entirely unrelated to your area of expertise.

• Change Your Daily Routine: Take a different route or try a new hobby to expose your mind to new stimuli.

• Travel or Explore Locally: Visit new places including museums and other areas where you live that you have not been to before.

• Connect Unrelated Ideas: Look for bridges between unrelated topics. This type of networked thinking can lead to creative insights and a more engaging way to view the world.

• Slow Down and Notice: Pay more attention to your immediate surroundings. Simple activities like walking without a set path or people-watching can stimulate a sense of wonder.

    Habits to Enhance a Curious Mindset

• Listen Without Judgment: Practice active listening where your goal is to understand the other person rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of asking questions with "yes" or "no" answers, ask questions like, "What is it about ______________ that is so fascinating to you?" 

• Surround Yourself With Curious People: Join book clubs, discussion groups, volunteer groups or online communities where learning is valued. Curiosity can become "contagious" in the right social setting.

How to Overcome Barriers to a Curious Mindset

• Face Your Fear of Being Wrong: Many people suppress their curiosity because they're afraid of being wrong or making mistakes. Reframe being wrong as a valuable step in the learning process (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Replace Judgment With Curiosity: When you feel annoyed or judgmental about someone else's behavior, challenge yourself to come up with alternative explanations for their actions.

• Experiment and Be Playful: Give yourself permission to try new things--even if you're not good at them--to break out of rigid routines and ways of thinking.

How Psychotherapy Can Help to Develop a Curious Mindset

Therapy helps individuals to become more curious by helping them to shift from an automatic state of judgment and "knowing" to one of open investigation. 

Therapists encourage clients to explore their inner world by modeling curiosity, using open ended questions, and fostering a safe environment:

• Modeling Compassionate Curiosity: Therapists demonstrate curiosity by asking open-ended questions ("What are you noticing within yourself right now?) instead of making assumptions.  The therapist's "not knowing" stance encourages clients to mirror this openness towards their own thoughts and feelings.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Developing Interoceptive Awareness: Therapeutic practices that encourage somatic awareness help clients to pay attention to their bodily sensations--such as tension or a feeling of lightness in the body--which can open the door to curiosity about their emotional, psychological and physical state.

• Challenging Rigid Narratives: Therapy challenges rigid narratives. It also helps clients to explore discrepancies between goals and behavior. Instead of clients asking themselves, "Why did I do that?", they can learn to get curious and say to themselves, "What lead me to do that?"

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Reducing Defensiveness: Curiosity is incompatible with judgment. Shifting from a judgmental state to a curious state activates the logical part of the brain and calms the reactive part of the brain.

• Breaking Stagnation: In relationships, curiosity helps reignite intimacy by encouraging partners to keep asking questions rather than assuming they know everything about each other.

• Enhancing Resilience: Developing curiosity can help to cope with depression and anxiety. by fostering flexibility and life satisfaction (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles 

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult 

Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice

Striving to Be a Lifelong Learner 

Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.