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There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples:
One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).
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| Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving |
You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"
What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).
When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain.
When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain.
So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.
You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:
Claire and Mike
When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.
Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.
To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore.
Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery
Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived.
Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"
Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"
Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).
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| Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving |
Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"
Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"
As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"
While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry.
He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy. He didn't know what else to do.
Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset.
So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.
Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.
At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."
But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode.
Instead, he responded empathically:
First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."
When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."
Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.
This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.
Conclusion
If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.
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| Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving |
Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.
If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.
A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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