What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy is a type of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Clinical intuition is an important aspect of all Experiential Therapy.

AEDP was developed by New York psychologist, Diana Fosha (see my articles: What is AEDP and How Does It Heal?- Part 1 and Part 2).

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

In AEDP, intuition acts as an important mechanism bridging the gap between intellectual theory and deep emotional healing.

AEDP privileges right-brain-to-right brain emotional connection over traditional left-brain analytic talking.

What Role Does Clinical Intuition Play in AEDP?

1. Therapist-Led Clinical Intuition: 

In AEDP, clinical intuition is defined as a direct, immediate and embodied knowing. It's not a random guess. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

Clinical intuition in AEDP is a highly sophisticated, unconscious pattern recognition developed from deep clinical experience:

• Moments of Rapid Clinical Intuition: Also known by the metaphor of the "blink effect", the AEDP therapist senses somatic and relational shifts between her and the client. This process bypasses left-brain reasoning. It allows the therapist to know the what, when and how to intervene in the moment with the client.

• Right-Brain Attunement: The AEDP therapist uses right-brain receptiveness to register the client's micro-expressions, shifts in vocal tone, and non-verbal somatic cues.  

• Deciding on Interventions: This intuitive state tells the AEDP therapist whether to offer comfort, share authentic self disclosure or challenge a defense.

2. Contemplative Presence

A therapist's intuition is maximized through what AEDP calls "contemplative presence". This requires a specific state of mind and body:

• Micro-Tracking: The AEDP therapist mentally tracks the client's verbal and non-verbal communication while simultaneously tracking her own internal emotional and embodied responses.

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• Mind Emptying: The therapist empties her mind to remain completely open to whatever happens in the here-and-now.

• Mindful Awareness: The therapist roots her body with mindful breathing and physical presence to clear a space for intuitive insights.

3. Awakening the Client's Inner Knowing

The AEDP therapist helps client's to tap into their own intuition:

• Trauma and chronic distress often causes clients to disconnect from their bodies and second-guess their feelings. 

AEDP and Clinical Intuition

• By asking somatic awareness questions like, "Where do you feel that in your body?", the therapist co-regulates the client's anxiety and other emotions that might be getting in the way of their knowing what they are feeling.

• This allows the clients to access their innate drive to heal, which AEDP calls "transformance". With this process, clients regain their own intuitive sense of what feels healthy, authentic or "off" in their choices and relationships.

Summary of Differences Between AEDP and Traditional Talk Therapy

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy and traditional talk therapy have important fundamental differences:

Dimension

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Left-brain: Intellectual insight, rational analysis and narrative focus
• AEDP: Right brain: Intuitive focus, somatic tracking and emotional resonance

Therapist's Stance

• Traditional Talk Therapy: Neutral, observant, objective and technique-driven
• AEDP: Explicitly engaged, emotionally authentic and intuitively responsive

Sequence of Healing

• Traditional Talk Therapy: A reliance on insight and logic for changes in behavior and emotion
• AEDP: Somatic, intuitive emotional transformation occurs first and insight follows (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Intellectual Insight Isn't Enough).

Getting Help in AEDP Therapy

Instead of struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an AEDP therapist.

When you work through unresolved problems, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist who integrates many different types of Experiential Therapies to help clients to heal from trauma and emotional distress, including: 

• AEDP
• IFS
• EMDR, 
• Somatic Experiencing, 
• EFT for Couples
• Hypnotherapy

I am also a Certified Sex Therapist for individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up the first appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does AEDP Work? 

How Does AEDP Process Emotions?

How Does Imagery and Imagination Enhance AEDP?

Riding the Waves of Transformation

What is Somatic Resonance in Therapy and How Is It Healing?

In everyday encounters, somatic resonance occurs when two or more people connect with each other and influence each other on a nonverbal, physical and nervous system level.

Somatic resonance is often called "body to body" dialog. It occurs when your body unconsciously mirrors, tracks or synchronizes with the physiological states of another person. 

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

The physiological state includes heart rate, breathing and muscle tension.

How Does Somatic Resonance Work in Everyday Experiences?

Somatic resonance relies heavily on the nervous system's capacity for interpersonal co-regulation.  This includes:

• Biological Entrainment: When people are in close contact, their heart rates and respiration patterns align.

• Mirror Neurons: Brain networks translate the observed movements and emotions of others into internal physical sensations within your own body.

• Micro-Movements: The body picks up on subtle shifts in posture, vocal tone and facial expressions beneath conscious awareness.

What Are Common Everyday Examples of Somatic Resonance?

You have probably experienced somatic resonance in your everyday life without even being aware of it including experiences like:

• "Truth Chills": Feeling a wave of goosebumps, warmth or tears when someone else shares a deeply vulnerable story 

• Absorbing Stress: Walking into a room and immediately feeling your stomach knot or chest tighten when someone else is anxious

• Contagious Calm: Feeling your heart naturally slow down just by being around a calm, grounded person

What is Somatic Resonance in Therapy and How Is It Healing?

Somatic resonance in therapy is the therapist's ability to use her own physical body and nervous system as a diagnostic and healing tool.

Rather than just listening to words, the therapist tracks her own internal physical sensations to understand the client's unconscious, unspoken emotional states:

• Somatic Attunement: The therapist attunes to her own bodily responses as a way to understand the client's unexpressed emotions and unspoken trauma.

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

• Implicit Communication: Client and therapist communicate through non-verbal cues like micro-expressions, posture shifts, vocal prosody (tone of voice, melody of the voice and vocal inflection). 

• Nervous System Co-regulation: The therapist maintains a grounded, regulated autonomic nervous system which acts as a biological anchor to help the client's dysregulated nervous system safely return to a calm state.

What Are Typical Examples of Somatic Resonance in Therapy?

Somatic resonance manifests through immediate physical tracking during a therapy session which might include:

• Uncovering Hidden Anger: A client speaks with a calm, pleasant voice, but the therapist suddenly feels tightness in her throat or stomach which signals the client's suppressed rage. While the therapist is sensing this, she checks first to ensure that these sensations are not related to anything that might be going on due to her own issues.

• Identifying Dissociation: The therapist suddenly feels an overwhelming fogginess, drowsiness or a sense of "spacing out". After she has checked in with herself internally and she determines that these feelings are not due to something that is going on for her personally, she becomes aware that this is the client's defense mechanisms against painful feelings (see my article: What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

• Gauging Grief: The therapist feels an unexpected ache in her chest or a sudden urge to cry just as the client touches upon a seemingly minor memory. Once she has checked in with herself and she has determined that these feelings are not related to anything that is going on personally within herself, the therapist becomes aware that these feelings are due to the client's unacknowledged grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

What Are the Benefits of Somatic Resonance in Mind-Body Oriented Therapy?

When a mind-body oriented psychotherapist is trained to use somatic resonance, it provides unique therapeutic benefits that traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) cannot provide. 

Working with somatic resonance shifts the therapy from a conversation about the past to a live in the moment experience. It provides a live physiological transformation in the here-and-now.

The healing benefits include:

• Correcting the Client's "Invisible" Somatic Narrative: Clients often enter therapy with stories that contradict their physiology. For instance, a client might talk calmly about a traumatic event without much, if any, emotion, but the therapist might respond with a sudden spike in adrenaline or chest tightness. This resonance alerts the therapist to hidden, unintegrated trauma. This allows the therapist to address the client's unspoken experience instead of just relating to the client's words. 

Somatic Resonance in Psychotherapy

• Accelerating Physiological Co-Regulation: Traumatized clients often lose their ability to self soothe. They can remain stuck in chronic states of fight, flight or freeze. Using somatic resonance, the therapist's stable, regulated nervous system acts as a biological pacemaker. Sitting with an emotionally regulated, anchored therapist allows the client to safely down-regulate using the therapist's calm state.

• Resolving Transference and Countertransference Safely: In traditional psychotherapy countertransference (the therapist's emotional reaction to the client) can cloud judgment. Somatic resonance transforms these reactions. By tracking her own physical sensations, the therapist can differentiate between her own experiences and the client's unspoken experiences. This prevents clinical blind spots.

• Allowing Survival Energy to Discharge Safely: Trauma survivors often fear their own internal sensations. This often leads to emotional numbing. However, when a therapist uses somatic resonance, she can pace the therapy session by micro-tracking the client's physical activation. This precise pacing ensures that the client can touch upon traumatic memories and safely discharge trapped survival energy without becoming overwhelmed or retraumatized.

• Re-establishing a Body-Based Sense of Safety: Healing from trauma requires that the body know that the danger is over. Since somatic resonance operates below the level of thought, the felt experience of feeling deeply met, mirrored and kept safe by the therapist updates the client's threat detection center (the brain's amygdala). This helps to rewire the client's baseline so they can feel genuinely safe again.

Which Mind-Body Oriented Therapy Modalities Use Somatic Resonance?

Somatic resonance is a basic part of several mind-body oriented therapies including:

• Somatic Experiencing

• Somatic IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS (Parts Work), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Respond to Your Partner with Emotional Attunement and Validation Before You Try to Solve the Problem

There's a relationship dynamic I often see in my psychotherapy office when I'm working with couples: 

One partner talks about their emotional pain and the other partner responds by trying to "fix" the problem which makes the first partner even more upset (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

You might say, "What's wrong with problem solving?"

What's wrong is that when your partner is upset, they need to feel you are emotionally attuned and validating their feelings (even if you don't agree with their view of the problem) before you offer a solution (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation Skills in Your Relationship?).

When your partner is upset, they are in their emotional brain. 

When you jump ahead to problem solving, you are in the rational part of the brain. 

So, if they're in their emotional brain and you're in your rational brain, there is a misalignment between you.

You need to start where they are and, after you both calm down, you can problem solve together if that's what the problem requires.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates why emotional attunement and validation is so important as a first step and how these skills can be learned in couples therapy:

Claire and Mike

When Claire came home from a very stressful day at work, she felt frustrated and angry when she discovered that Mike left a mess in the sink after he made lunch for himself.

Claire was already tired from a long day at work and she just wanted to make dinner so she could relax afterwards. But, instead, she encountered the mess in the sink.  

To make matters worse, this was part of an ongoing argument between them. Just a few days before, Mike promised, once again, he wouldn't leave dishes in the sink anymore. 

Claire was too tired to deal the mess, so she ordered a pizza for dinner, threw herself on the couch and waited for the delivery

Mike arrived home a few minutes after the pizza arrived. 

Initially, he was in his usual cheerful mood. Then, he saw the pizza box in the kitchen and he said, "Ugh....pizza for dinner?"

Hearing Mike complain set Claire off, "You did it again--after you promised you wouldn't leave a mess in the sink! Now you're complaining because we're having pizza for dinner! I can't believe it!"

Trying to smooth things over, Mike responded, "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll clean the mess. It will only take me 10 minutes." (Note: He's problem solving while Claire is very upset instead of attuning to and validating her feelings).

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Claire responded, "That's not the point! You promised you'd stop doing this! Do you think it's fun for me to come home to a mess in the sink before I cook?"

Mike: "I said I would take care of it! Problem solved!"

As she walked away from Mike to go to their bedroom, she said: "You just don't get it! You don't care how I feel!"

While Mike was washing the dishes, he felt confused about why Claire was angry. 

He knew he shouldn't have left a mess in the sink, but he felt he offered a solution to the problem and she still wasn't happy.  He didn't know what else to do.

Unfortunately, Mike and Claire had many similar confrontations about other issues where Mike offered a solution and Claire remained upset. 

So, after a few more similar arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

Their couples therapist listened to them describe their dynamic and she realized why they were having problems: When Claire was upset and in her emotional brain, Mike responded by being in his rational brain and offered solutions instead of being emotionally attuned to Claire and validating her feelings.

At first, Mike didn't understand why Claire wasn't happy with having a solution, "Of course I care! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you and care about your feelings."

But, with practice in couples therapy, Mike learned not to go immediately into problem solving mode. 

Instead, he responded empathically: 

First, he acknowledged and validated Claire's feelings, "So, what I hear you saying is that you feel upset and frustrated that I keep doing the same thing over and over again. I can see why that would be upsetting and frustrating, especially since I promised to stop doing it. I need to be more aware so I don't keep making the same mistakes. I'm sorry."

When Claire heard Mike's words and she saw that he really understood her, he cared for her and he felt genuine remorse, she softened, "I feel seen and heard by you now. I can feel you care about me. Now we can talk about problem solving."

Mike had some lapses at first where he wanted to problem solve before he responded with attunement and validation, but after a while, he was able to change his way of responding.  

This change helped Mike and Claire to get closer.

Conclusion

If you tend to be someone who responds first with problem solving when your partner is upset and you can't understand why that makes your partner even more upset, the good news is that you can learn these relationship skills.

Attunement and Validation Before Problem Solving

Although it might be tempting to jump straight to problem solving in situations like this, starting with problem solving usually doesn't work. Instead, arguments escalate and become more frequent when you're not meeting your partner where they are emotionally.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Long-standing relational dynamics can be hard to change on your own.

If you and your partner have been unable to work out problems, you could benefit from getting help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction