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In prior articles I have discussed insecure attachment styles including anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment (see links for these articles at the bottom of this article).
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| Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens |
Even if you're familiar with attachment styles, including your own style and your partner's, it's easy to slip into looking through an enemy lens when things get tense between you.
When you look at your partner through an enemy lens, you might feel like things they say are meant as a personal attack against you or proof that they don't care.
When you switch your focus to an attachment lens, you can see your partner's behaviors as being either a cry for connection or a cry for space if they are overwhelmed.
Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens
Here are some examples of how you can switch your focus:
- From Controlling to Anxious: Instead of seeing your partner's frequent texts or calls as controlling behavior, looking at their behavior from an attachment lens, you can consider that your partner, who feels insecure, might need reassurance from you that you're there for them.
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| Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens |
- From "Indifferent" to "Overwhelmed": Instead of seeing your partner's silence as being indifferent or cold, consider that your partner might be overwhelmed and they might feel the need to "shut down" in order to avoid escalating a conflict between you or they might be feeling like a failure.
- From "Picking a Fight" to "They're Reaching Out": Your partner's critical comments can be clumsy, desperate attempts to get your attention because they feel lonely or unimportant to you.
The Negative Cycle is the Enemy--Not Your Partner
In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) neither partner is "the bad guy".
Instead of making your partner the villain or making yourself the problem, see your interactions in terms of the negative cycle you both get stuck in (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With EFT Couples Therapy).
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| Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens |
When you stop blaming each other, you can recognize that you each have underlying fears that drive the negative cycle between you. This allows you to move from a combative or defensive posture to a compassionate stance.
Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been struggling, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.
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| Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy |
A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to improve your dynamic so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
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