Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is a problem in many relationships. This type of jealousy can occur for  people with any attachment style, but it's especially common for people who have an anxious attachment style.

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

What is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy involves feeling threatened or insecure about a partner's past romantic relationships.

Retroactive jealousy has the following characteristics:

• Emotional Distress: Feeling anxious, angry or resentful of your partner's previous relationships--even though your partner is no longer involved in these relationships

• Obsessive Thoughts: Recurring and unwanted thoughts about your partner's prior relationships

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

• Intrusive Behaviors: Including obsessively checking your partner's phone or computer, following your partner's social media obsessively, tracking your partner's whereabouts with a tracker or questioning your partner repeatedly about their past or questioning whether they have had any thoughts or contact with their prior partners

• Compulsive Behaviors: Feeling compelled to engage in certain behaviors to try to control or prevent your partner from having any contact or even thoughts about their previous partners

• Difficulty Accepting Your Partner's Past: Difficulty accepting that your partner had a life with experiences that didn't include you

• Fear of Abandonment: Fear that their partner will leave you

How is Retroactive Jealousy Related to An Anxious Attachment Style?

As previously mentioned, retroactive jealousy can be related to any attachment style, but it's especially difficult for people with an anxious attachment style.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

An anxious attachment style can lead to excessive worry and insecurity about the relationship.

People who experience retroactive jealousy are fixated on their partner's prior relationships or experiences that didn't include them.

Potential Causes of Retroactive Jealousy

• Insecurity: Lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of trust in a partner

• Past Relationship Experiences: Prior relationship trauma: Infidelity, a partner maintaining contact with prior partners where the boundaries were unclear and other related issues

• Family of Origin Experiences: Including (but not limited to): Growing up with one or both parents who criticized or invalidated you; physical abuse, childhood emotional neglect; one or both parents engaging in infidelity; emotional or financial instability; being a parentified child; parental alienation, alcohol or drug abuse and other related problems

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how retroactive jealousy has a negative impact on a relationship and how psychotherapy can help:

Brenda

After her boyfriend, Joe, gave her an ultimatum to either get help in therapy or he would end their relationship, Brenda sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

She told her therapist that, objectively, she knew her boyfriend wasn't cheating on her, but whenever she thought about his prior relationship with another woman, she felt extremely jealous of that  relationship, highly anxious and insecure.

She tried not to act on her jealousy but, against her better judgment, there were times she couldn't contain her feelings and she would question her boyfriend relentlessly about whether he ever thought about his prior girlfriend, whether he thought his prior girlfriend was more attractive than her, how his relationship with his prior girlfriend compared to their relationship and whether he would ever leave her for his prior girlfriend.

According to Brenda, at first, Joe tried to patiently reassure her, but no matter how much he tried to reassure her, she never felt any emotional relief. His reassurances would lead her to ask more detailed questions to the point where, even though they were spending hours talking about this, these talks only made her want more reassurances.

When Joe tried to set limits with Brenda about these conversations, she felt ambivalent. On the one hand, when she could calm herself, she realized she was being obsessive for no apparent reason but, on the other hand, she couldn't control her obsessive thoughts and behaviors and she felt compelled to keep questioning Joe.

According to Brenda, when Joe found out that Brenda was following his ex-girlfriend on social media to see if there were any pictures of Joe and his ex online, he told Brenda that her jealousy was getting out of hand. He also tried to reason with her that it seemed the more time Brenda spent on his ex's social media, the worse she felt--even though she found no evidence that Joe and his ex were spending time together.

Brenda told her therapist that the last straw for Joe was when Brenda hacked into his email and texts. She found an old text from Joe's ex from years before he began seeing Brenda. The text had an old picture of Joe and his ex smiling at the beach.

Brenda explained to her therapist that she couldn't contain her jealousy about the photo and, even though she knew she shouldn't have hacked into his account, she confronted him about the text with a barrage of questions: "Why are you keeping this photo?" Do you think your ex is prettier than me?" "Do you ever have fantasies about your ex?"

At that point, Joe told Brenda that he didn't even remember having this old photo on his phone. He agreed to delete the photo if Brenda agreed to get help in therapy for her excessive jealousy. He told her that if she didn't get help, he would end the relationship.

Brenda told her therapist that Joe's ultimatum made her feel even worse because she feared that if Joe broke up with her, he would go back to his ex.  Even though she could see how she was creating problems in her relationship with her irrational jealousy, she felt she couldn't stop her obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior including her obsessive questioning of Joe.

Her therapist became aware that Brenda's anxious attachment style stemmed from an unstable childhood home with both parents engaging in infidelity, reckless spending, and a constant stream of invalidating messages they gave Brenda about her looks and her intelligence. They also told her she was worthlessness and she would never find a husband because no one could ever love her. They also compared her negatively to her older sister (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

    Therapy Treatment Plan

Her therapist proposed both short-term and longer-term therapy work:

    Short Term Work

The short term work involved Brenda developing increased self awareness and better coping skills including:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Her therapist told her to practice 15 minutes of mindfulness meditation with a beginner's mindfulness recording twice a day (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Painful Emotions).

• Focusing on the Present: As she developed her mindfulness skills, Brenda was encouraged by her therapist to bring her mind to the present moment whenever she felt herself beginning to have obsessive thoughts about her boyfriend's ex--even if she had to do this more than a hundred times a day (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Keeping a Journal

• Keeping a Journal: Brenda was encouraged to keep a journal where she reflected on her thoughts and feelings including both her irrational and objective thoughts and feelings related to her retroactive jealousy (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Developing Increased Self Esteem and Confidence Through Confidence Boosting- Activity: Brenda's therapist encouraged her to engage in activities that made her feel good about herself, including artwork which Brenda enjoyed and felt confident doing. She also instructed Brenda to write down times when she felt good about herself both in and outside her relationship.

• Setting Limits With Herself: Rather than relying on her boyfriend to set limits, her therapist encouraged Brenda to set limits for herself so she wouldn't spiral into relentless and obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend. Her therapist also asked Brenda to write in her journal whenever she found herself on the brink of the spiraling into obsession--rather than questioning her boyfriend as a way to practice emotional containment (see my article: Practicing the Container Exercise).

Even though she still felt very jealous of Joe's ex, Brenda was able to reduce her obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend by using the tools her therapist recommended. 

Along the way, she had some setbacks, but both Brenda and Joe noticed the positive change in her and he encouraged her to continue therapy.

    Longer Term Work

The longer term work in therapy involved helping Brenda to overcome the root of her retroactive jealousy including her family of origin trauma using a combination of various trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
  

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy: including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
  

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Brenda made steady progress with some certain missteps along the way (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Healing in Therapy).

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex problem that affects many relationships.

As illustrated in the composite vignette, retroactive jealousy has the potential to ruin a relationship.

In many cases, retroactive jealousy doesn't get better without professional help. Without professional help, it can get worse.

Certain self help strategies outlined above (e.g., focusing on the present, meditation and engaging in confidence-boosting activities, etc.) can be help to manage the symptoms of retroactive jealousy. But what is most helpful is getting to the root of the problem--whether the root of the problem stems from your family of origin, prior relationships or other related causes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel your excessive jealousy is having a negative impact on your well-being and your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this issue (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming retroactive jealousy requires a commitment to personal growth, patience, perseverance and a willingness to work through your challenges.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can lead a more peaceful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Overcoming Jealousy

Are You Arguing About Your Partner's Sexual History Before You Were in a Relationship With Him?

How to Reduce Reactivity in Your Relationship

What is a Common Relationship Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Today's article is focused on a common relationship conflict where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Julie Menanno, Emotionally Focused Therapist and author of Secure Love, there is usually a pattern to these conflicts which involve the couple's negative cycle (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is a Common Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment?

In her book, Julie Menanno discusses a common dynamic between partners based on their attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

An example of this would be when the partner with anxious attachment brings up a concern, they often come across as critical, judgmental or accusatory. In most cases, this partner doesn't intend to be negative. 

On a deeper level, this partner is just trying hard to be heard, but they come across as wanting to pick a fight. 

When the first partner is trying to be heard, but comes across in a negative way, the partner with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner is attacking them. They feel misunderstood and like they're being blamed, so they react defensively. 

They might come across in different ways. They might get defensive and respond in an overly rational way. They might invalidate their partner's concerns. They might also shutdown, which is also known as stonewalling.

On a deeper level, this partner feels unappreciated and they are trying to defend against feeling like a failure in the relationship. But they don't come across that way. They come across as if they're not paying attention to their anxious partner. 

When the person with anxious attachment hears their partner's response, they feel invalidated and become frustrated. They react with anger because they want to be heard. But on a deeper level, they feel alone and they're desperately trying to get their partner's attention.

In response to the anxious partner's frustration and increasing anger, the avoidant partner feels even more attacked. The avoidant partner doesn't want to make the argument worse so, without realizing it, they shutdown even more. But on a deeper level, they feel ashamed and powerless.

These types of conflicts often go unresolved because each partner feels they can't get through to the other partner and their responses to each other only creates more conflict.

Even when both partners decide to let go of the conflict, one of them, often the anxious partner, will eventually bring it up again at another time in an effort to get to the bottom of hte problem. Their intention is to overcome their problem in the relationship, but this only leads to the couple going through their negative cycle again.

After a while, this becomes their ongoing negative cycle with each partner feeling more frustrated and alone.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an anxious and avoidant partner typically go through a conflict. As always, this vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Jane

Tom and Jane were married for five years when they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Both of them worked at stressful jobs. They also had two small active children in an apartment they owned in New York City. So, aside from their relationship problems, they had other major stressors in their lives.

Each of them agreed that after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship, they started getting into conflicts over seemingly small issues.

Jane gave an example of one of their recent arguments about an ongoing issue where she felt she had to continuously remind Tom to do the laundry. 

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Jane, they had agreed to divide up a list of chores where one of Tom's chores was to do the laundry. But even though he had agreed to do this weekly task, Tom would often let more than two weeks go by before he did the laundry--to the point where their children were running out of clean clothes to wear. 

Jane said she would remind him a few times after a week had gone by, which she resented doing.  Then he would accuse her of nagging him, which would precipitate an argument.

While he listened to Jane speak, Tom was slumped in his chair with a sullen expression on his face.  Then, when it was his turn to speak, Tom said he realized he was negligent in not doing the laundry, but he felt attacked by Jane and, eventually, he would tune her out because listening to her was too overwhelming.

Jane responded that when she felt Tom was ignoring her, she felt frustrated and angry. She admitted that when she felt that way, she would raise her voice. Even though she often regretted getting so angry afterwards, she didn't know how else to get through to Tom. 

They both realized they were becoming more and more emotionally disconnected from each other.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Jane and Tom to see each of their attachment styles and how these styles contributed to their negative cycle: Jane had an anxious attachment style and Tom had an avoidant attachment style.

Couples Can Work Out Their Problems in EFT Couples Therapy

Their therapist also helped them to change their negative cycle so they could relate to each other in a more caring, compassionate way.

Tom realized he was behaving in a passive aggressive way by delaying doing the laundry. With the therapist's help, he also realized he was unconsciously repeating a dynamic he saw as a child between his parents who had similar arguments. So, he became much more diligent in doing his half of the chores in a timely manner.

Tom also became aware of how frustrating it was for Jane to remind him continuously of what he needed to do, so he had a lot more compassion for her, especially when he realized how her childhood history was, unconsciously, impacting her in their relationship.

Jane realized her anger was partly fueled by her childhood history where she saw her mother struggling to keep up with all the household chores while her father either relaxed at home or played golf on the weekends with his friends. So, Jane learned in couples therapy to separate her anger for her father from her anger for her husband. 

Jane also became aware that Tom's behavior was unconsciously related to his childhood history, and she developed a lot more compassion for him.

Getting to the point where they each felt compassion and understanding for each other was neither quick nor easy because their negative cycle was so ingrained. But they were both motivated to improve their relationship, so they persevered in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Couples often wait until they're fed up to get help. 

It's not unusual for couples to seek help in couples therapy when one or both of them are already contemplating ending the relationship.

By then, their negative cycle has become an ingrained pattern.

Typically, couples who seek help early on have a better chance of working out their problems in couples therapy in a shorter amount of time. 

So, if you're having problems in your relationship, seek help sooner rather than later if you want to save your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with ongoing problems, seek help from an Emotionally Focused therapist (EFT).

EFT has been shown in research to be an effective modality for helping couples to change their negative cycle.

Once you have learned how to change your negative cycle, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In prior articles, I've discussed breaking the negative cycle in a relationship from an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? and Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on becoming aware of an anxious attachment style so you and your partner can break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Approximately 80% of people with an anxious attachment style get into relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, so in future articles, I'll focus on the avoidant attachment style.

Characteristics of an Anxious Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

To their credit, people who have an anxious attachment style are usually the ones who take action to try to solve relationship problems. 

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

They're usually the ones in a relationship to point out when there's a problem and they're often proactive about trying to find a solution to relationship problems when their more avoidant partner might want to avoid, dismiss or deflect the problems.

Many people with an anxious attachment style also tend to engage in counterproductive behavior in a desperate attempt to be heard by their partner, including:

• Blaming their partner

• Protesting to their partner

• Criticizing and accusing their partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

If you have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, you might recognize some or all of these behaviors.  

You might also realize that, if you have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style, when you blame, protest, criticize and accuse them, they withdraw even further.  

Their withdrawal probably makes you feel even more anxious, so you blame, protest, criticize and accuse even more, which makes your partner withdraw even more, and this becomes the negative cycle in your relationship.

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As a couples therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, I understand that this is your way of trying to get your partner to acknowledge your pain, create change and seek closeness.  But perpetuating the negative cycle doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  

Each partner, regardless of their attachment style, needs to learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

• Doing your part, together with your partner, to create an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Also see my article: Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to perpetuate the negative cycle in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

          

How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series on attachment styles and sex, I described the anxious attachment style and how it can affect your sex life.  In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette as an illustration. 

How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

What is an Anxious Attachment Style?

Attachment styles develop early in childhood (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

An anxious attachment style is one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganized (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Unless you work in therapy to overcome the issues that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style, your attachment style will continue to impact you in your adult relationships, especially in romantic relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As I mentioned in Part 1, if you have an anxious attachment style, some or all of the following characteristics might apply to you. You might:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Mistrust romantic partners
• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity
• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner
• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Sara

Two months after her breakup with Steve, Sara took her best friend's advice and started therapy (see my article: How to Recommend Psychotherapy to a Friend).

Sara, who was in her late 30s, attended therapy a few times before, but she left prematurely after a few sessions each time (before completing the work) whenever she got into a new relationship (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).  

During her initial consultation, Sara told her new therapist that she would make a commitment to complete the work this time.  She recognized, in hindsight, how she engaged in the same destructive behavior in each relationship, including her last one with Steve, and she didn't want to keep repeating the same behavior.

She told her therapist that she had read books and articles written for the general public about attachment styles, and she recognized that she had an anxious attachment style since childhood.  

Sara grew up with a lot of uncertainty and chaos with a mother who was an active alcoholic and a father who was a gambler, so she understood the origin of her problems.  She just didn't know what to do to change it.

Sara described her behavior with Steve as being clingy, dependent and irrationally jealous when she had no reason to be.  She knew that Steve tried to be patient with her, but when they argued, she would become especially anxious because she feared he would leave her.  

At those times, she would use sex to lure him back--even when she didn't want to have sex.  She would also pretend to have an orgasm even when he didn't take the time to get her sexually aroused (see my articles: What is Good Sex?, What is the Orgasm Gap? and Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

After six months, Steve told her that her emotional insecurities were a turn-off to him, and he broke up with her. When her usual strategy of trying to lure him back with sex didn't work, she knew it was over.

Although Sara was looking for a "quick fix" to her problems, her therapist told her that trying to change an anxious/insecure attachment style would involve a lot of work in therapy, including working through her traumatic childhood and learning new ways of relating in her romantic relationships (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

For the next several months, her therapist used EMDR therapy to help Sara overcome her childhood trauma.  Sara was able to grieve her losses and she understood why she developed an anxious/insecure attachment style.

During that time, she also began dating again.  At first, she continued to worry about what her dates thought of her.  She was overly worried about her appearance and needing a lot of reassurance from the men she dated, which was off putting to the men she dated and ended things by the second date.

But as Sara completed EMDR therapy, she felt herself letting go of the past. She remembered how awful and chaotic her childhood had been, but she no longer felt affected by it (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Working Through Trauma in Therapy

After a year, Sara felt more confident when she was dating.  She no longer felt anxious and insecure, and she finally felt free of her childhood history of trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

To get to the root of your anxious attachment style, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who has the expertise to help you overcome your childhood trauma where your attachment style first developed.

EMDR therapy as well as other trauma therapies, like Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Ego States work are all therapies that can help you to overcome trauma.

Rather than continuing to engage in the same destructive behavior patterns based on your anxious attachment style, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.