What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

          

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire - Part 1

In prior articles, I discussed sexual pursuers and sexual withdrawers in relationships (see my articles about this topic: Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, which is another sex positive* article in a series about sexuality, I'm focusing on high desire women who approach sex in a healthy way (also known as female sexual pursuers).  

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

Understanding Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire

When high sexual desire is discussed, the narrow stereotype is often about men who have strong sexual desire and women with lower sexual libido.  

To complicate matters, a lot of the research focuses on women who have problems with low sexual desire (e.g., hypoactive sexual desire) or, on the other end of the spectrum, unhealthy, impulsive/compulsive sexual desire (e.g., impulsive and compulsive sexuality is often associated with the emotional insecurities of borderline personality).

Aside from the problems with research, there are also sexist cultural stereotypes that complicate matters, including portraying women with healthy high sexual desire as being "whores" and "sluts."  

Even women with healthy high libido can be denigrated in this sexist way.  This is in sharp contrast to stereotypes of men with high libido who are admired for being "manly" or "viral."

More recent research challenges these sexist stereotypes and reveals that women can have healthy high sexual libido.  

Their high libido doesn't emerge from emotional insecurity, impulsiveness or compulsivity. Instead, these women are confident in themselves and they enjoy sex.  And, contrary to sexist views of women, there are more women with healthy high sexual desire than is commonly thought.

Women With Healthy High Sexual Desire and a Secure Attachment Style

Women who have a healthy high libido usually have a secure attachment style (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

As children, they developed a secure attachment with one or both parents.  They received love and emotional mirroring from at least one parent that allowed them to feel loved and emotionally secure.

Often, as young girls, they experienced at least one parent who delighted in them.  At the age of four or five, these girls' parents delighted in their healthy behavior.  For instance, if the young girl happily twirled around while she was feeling good about herself, her parents encouraged her rather than telling her to "stop showing off."

These girls grew up seeing the gleam in their parents eyes reflected on them so, not only did they feel secure in their attachment to their parents, they also felt loved and lovable.  So, when these girls mature into women, they feel their desirability.  

Rather than being shamed or made to feel guilty for masturbating, their parents reinforced self pleasure as being healthy.  They grew to be women with a solid erotic core.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, these women often experience spontaneous sexual arousal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal).  

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski in her book,  Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, women who experience spontaneous sexual desire (as opposed to context-dependent sexual desire) represent at least 16% of all women.

I'll be discussing this topic further in future articles.

Also, see my articles:

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?

What is Good Sex?

*Sex positive refers to having or promoting an open, tolerant or progressive attitude towards sex and sexuality.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved problems that you have been unable to work through on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, contact a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 4: What is Synchrony Sex?

I've been focusing lately on the topic "What is Good Sex?" based on the work of psychologist Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  This article is the fourth in a series of articles on this topic, and the focus of this article is "Synchrony Sex" (see my prior articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2: Solace Sex and Part 3: Sealed Off Sex).

What is Synchrony Sex?

What is Synchrony Sex?

With synchrony sex, each person is open and emotionally vulnerable to their partner. They are emotionally attuned to one another.  

Whereas solace sex and sealed off sex are based on insecure attachment (e.g., an anxious or avoidant attachment style), synchrony sex is based a secure attachment style between the two people in a relationship (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Synchrony sex occurs between two people when the erotic and the emotional connection come together.  Generally, each person feels safe and secure so they can be open sexually and emotionally with one another.  

This openness allows the couple to bond with each other and opens up the possibility for sexual exploration and a tolerance for sexual differences that can often be negotiated (e.g., differences in terms of frequency of sex, sex acts, and so on).

Synchrony sex is associated with a healthy, committed relationship where emotional vulnerability between the two people increases the emotional intimacy in their relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy and What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?).

Even in a relationship with secure attachment, there can still be problems with sex. But these problems are generally more easily worked through, as compared to couples who experience an insecure attachment, because there is a healthy emotional foundation (see my article: How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex).

Clinical Vignette: Relationships: Synchrony Sex: Working Out Differences in Sexual Arousal

One common problem in many relationships is a difference in sexual arousal, as will be illustrated in the vignette below, which is a composite of many different cases:

Jane and Mark

After 10 years of marriage, Jane and Mark, in their early 40s, sought help in EFT Couples Therapy to work out issues in their sex life.  Generally, aside from the problems in their sexual relationship, they were happily married with three children. 

Both of them described happy childhoods where they each felt loved and secure in their family of origin.  As a result, they both developed a secure attachment style, which allowed them to develop a healthy relationship with each other.

They told their couples therapist that they were devoted to each other and their children.  Jane told the story of how passionate their sex life had been in the early days of their relationship.  

She recounted how they couldn't keep their hands off each other during the first few years of their relationship, and they spent their weekends making love. But, she said, right after their first child, even though she loved Mark more than ever, she no longer felt as sexual.  She still felt sexually attracted to Mark, but she didn't feel as sexual as she did in the past.

Mark told the therapist that in the early days of their relationship Jane was always ready to have sex, but now he felt she was only having sex to please him, and this was hurtful to him.  

As Jane listened to him, she nodded her head in agreement and she admitted that she often had sex with Mark to satisfy him.  She said sometimes she got into having sex once they started, but just as often she felt too tired for sex.

Throughout the couples therapy consultation, Jane and Mark held hands and frequently looked at each other with affection.  It was apparent to the couples therapist that they loved each other and they experienced a secure attachment style, but they needed to work out the differences in sexual arousal that had developed over time between them.

Mark also talked about not wanting to always be the one who initiated sex between them.  As Jane listened carefully, Mark looked at her affectionately and said he would like her to initiate sex sometimes.  

In response, Jane said she didn't feel as sexually attracted now, at age 42, as she once did when she was younger.  She told Mark that she was very aware that she had gained some weight and her body had changed so much after the birth of their three children, "I just don't feel so attractive and sexy anymore to initiate sex now."

"I never knew you felt this way.  I think you're more beautiful now than when we first met," Mark responded by squeezing Jane's hand.

Jane also said, somewhat shyly, that she sometimes experienced vaginal dryness, which made sexual intercourse uncomfortable at times, especially if she wasn't sexually aroused.  

Hearing this, Mark seemed surprised and said Jane had never told him how she felt about her body before.  He was also surprised that, until now, she felt too embarrassed to talk about it.  

In response, the couples therapist normalized Jane's experience of vaginal dryness. She  recommended that Jane speak with her gynecologist to rule out a medical problem.  She also recommended that the couple experiment with different types of lubrication.

After Jane saw her gynecologist and learned that her vaginal dryness is normal for her age, she and Mark began to use lubrication so that sex wasn't uncomfortable for Jane.  Over time, Jane also accepted that the changes in her body were normal.  

During their couples therapy sessions, Mark and Jane learned that many factors were contributing to the change in their sex life, including stress. Their couples therapist told them that it was normal for couples to experience a change in their sex life, especially after they have children, more responsibilities to contend with and more stress.

Over time, Mark and Jane took steps to improve their sex life.  They both worked on reducing their stress by exercising and meditating.  

They also did things to increase sexual anticipation and arousal--planning a romantic evening while their children stayed with Jane's parents, reading erotic passages to each other, talking about their sexual fantasies, and so on (see my article: Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners in Their Relationship).

Jane developed more of a curiosity about what turned her. Specifically, she learned to be more comfortable masturbating alone as well as with Mark to find out more about what she liked sexually.  

On the advice of her couples therapist and her medical doctor, Jane began working out.  She realized, once she started exercising regularly, that she felt more sexually aroused after doing aerobic exercise.  All that heart pumping exercise translated into more sexual passionate.  She and Mark also got curious about using sex toys and used them to spice things up and add variety to their sex life.

During their couples therapy sessions, Mark and Jane opened up more to talk about what each of them found pleasurable.  This new sense of openness was exciting for them.  Jane said she felt more sexually confident about initiating sex, especially after a good workout, and this pleased both of them.

Both of them said they were happier with their sex life than they had been since the early stage of their relationship.  Since they were happy in the other areas of their marriage, they successfully terminated couples therapy.

Conclusion

Compared to solace sex and sealed off sex, synchrony sex involves both an emotional attachment and an erotic dynamic.  The vignette about Jane and Mark illustrate how a couple can develop a dynamic of synchrony sex.

Even when a couple experiences a secure attachment in an otherwise healthy relationship, there can still be problems that develop along the way.

Since a relationship based on a secure attachment style has a healthy foundation, these sexual differences, whether it's differences in how each person experiences sexual arousal or other differences, can be worked out in couples therapy.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner need help to improve your sexual relationship, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop a more satisfying sex life and a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT couples therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

This is the third article in a series of articles that looks at the effect of growing up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

In my first article I gave an overview of borderline personality disorder, and in my second article I provided a fictionalized scenario of a young woman, Karen, from the time she was an infant until college, who grew up with mother who suffered with borderline personality.

In this article, I'll discuss how this fictionalized character, Karen, was affected by her mother's problems and how she was able to get psychological help in therapy to overcome these problems.

Karen
As I mentioned in the prior article, Karen grew up in a chaotic home environment with a mother who exhibited many of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder.

Karen often felt anxious because of her mother's anger, depression and unpredictable moods.  She wished that she could help her mother, especially after many of her mother's frequent breakups with men and a suicide attempt.  But Karen was too young, and she often felt helpless.

Fortunately, she had a schoolteacher who took Karen under her wing.  This teacher liked Karen, and she motivated and inspired her to look forward to a future that included college.  This was a new perspective for Karen.

Karen had a lot of inherent strengths and, with the help of this teacher, who helped to mitigate the chaos that was going on in Karen's home, Karen worked hard in school and she eventually got a scholarship to attend an out of state college.

Karen was happy to be away from home.

Initially, Karen's time at college went well.  But in her third year, after a relationship with a young man that she had been dating got serious, she became anxious and ambivalent about the relationship.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

Karen knew that her relationship with Dan was a loving relationship.  Even though they were both young, deep down she knew that they could be happy together--if only she didn't feel like running away when she felt emotionally vulnerable and scared.

She knew she needed to get psychological help before she ruined things between her and Dan so, although she felt hesitant, she went to the student counseling center.

After hearing about Karen's family background, the school counselor, who was an empathetic therapist,  knew that Karen needed more than the short term therapy that the counseling center provided.  So, she provided Karen with psychoeducation about trauma and why it was important to get psychological help (see my article:  Untreated Emotional Trauma is a Serious Issue).  Then, she referred her to a trauma therapist who had an office nearby.

Karen's only experience with therapy was in family therapy when she was a child, after her mother made a suicide attempt.  She remembered liking the family therapist, so she had a favorable memory of family therapy.  But she had never been in individual therapy.

Karen explained to her therapist that she couldn't understand why she was feeling so afraid of being in a relationship with Dan.  After all, Dan treated her well and she knew they loved each other.  She explained that whenever she felt so frightened that she wanted to run away from him, she felt like she was going crazy.

Her individual therapist helped Karen to understand that her current reaction to Dan was being triggered by her early childhood experiences.  She told Karen that she would help her to separate "now" from "then"(see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learn to Separate "Then" From "Now" in Therapy).

Her therapist began by helping Karen to develop internal resources to deal with her fears and to cope with working through her early trauma.  These resources included mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises and safe place meditation.

Once Karen developed and used these resources to cope with her fears, her therapist spoke to her about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, which is a trauma therapy that has helped many clients who are suffering with trauma.

Karen processed her traumatic memories and fears in EMDR therapy over time.  Gradually, using the EMDR float back technique, they were able to get back to Karen's earliest traumatic memories.

At the end of each EMDR therapy session, her therapist used the last part of the session to help Karen to debrief and to do a meditation to help her to feel calm and safe.

During this time, Karen continued to see Dan and she was feeling much less anxious about the relationship.  Knowing that Karen was getting help, Dan was also patient and understanding.

EMDR isn't a "magic bullet," especially when a person has had the kind of underlying trauma that Karen experienced.  But, over time, Karen was able to work through her trauma and her fears.  She was also able to have a stable and happy relationship with Dan.

Getting Help in Therapy
Growing up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder can be traumatizing and have a negative effect on your adult relationships, especially romantic relationships where core issues tend to surface.

EMDR is one form of therapy that is used by EMDR therapists to help clients to overcome trauma.  Other forms of trauma therapy include Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, also known as hypnotherapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have underlying trauma that is getting in the way of your having a more fulfilling life, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is an experienced trauma therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 2

In my Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about the effect of growing up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder.  In this article, I'm continuing the discussion with a fictionalized scenario as an example of this dynamic.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder, which I defined in the prior article, is a disorder that is a catchall for many similar traits, including chaotic relationships, unpredictable emotional reactions, a fear of abandonment, and a strong ambivalence about close relationships, including a longing for closeness at the same time as the person with this disorder experiences a fear of being rejected, hurt or abandoned.

As I mentioned in the prior article, there are some people who don't necessarily meet the full criteria for borderline personality disorder diagnosis, but they have certain borderline traits.

As I also mentioned in Part 1 of this topic, even though a primary caregiver (usually the mother) might have borderline personality disorder and this usually has a detrimental effect on a child, if a child is lucky, there can be mitigating factors, like other close relationships (another loving parent, a loving sibling, a nurturing grandparent, caring teacher or mentor, concerned coach or so on) that can help to temper the detrimental effect.

We also know now that, due to the neuroplasticity of the brain (the ability of the brain to change), even when there's no one in the child's life to help mitigate the effect or the child doesn't have a particularly resilient nature, as an an adult, s/he is often helped later on in life by having a loving, secure relationship or by getting help in therapy.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is composed of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how someone who had a parent with borderline personality disorder can be affected as a child and later on as an adult.

Keep in mind that this scenario is only one possible result of this dynamic and there can be many other results.

Karen
Karen's mother, Alice, gave birth to Karen when Alice was only 16.

Alice lived with her single mother, Betty, and Alice's six siblings.  When Betty found out that Alice was pregnant, she became enraged.  She hit her, cursed at her and called her "a whore."

Alice dropped out of high school after her pregnancy became more obvious, and she hoped, eventually, to get her GED.

Alice was confused and had mixed feelings about her pregnancy.  She had some resentful towards her unborn child because she knew her life would be changed forever.  Instead of going to parties with her friends, she knew she would be home taking care of the baby.

At the same time, she didn't want to have an abortion because it was against her and her family's religious beliefs.  So, she grudgingly accepted that she made a mistake and baby was her responsibility.

The baby's father, who was also only 16, was sent away by his parents to live out of state, so Alice was completely dependent upon her mother during her pregnancy and after Karen was born.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

In the meantime, she and her mother were both reliant on public assistance to get by, and life was tough.

When her friends went out, Alice felt left out and lonely because she had to stay home and take care of Karen.  On the one hand, Alice loved Karen.  But, on the other hand, she also resented her because she wanted to be a normal 17 year old by going out and having fun.

Alice also had a lot of resentment towards her mother, Betty, for her verbal abuse and they would often argue.

Even though Alice told herself that she would never treat her daughter, Karen, the way that her mother treated her, she had no awareness of how she (like most children) internalized this dynamic on an unconscious level.  And, as Karen got older, without realizing it, Alice was just as verbally abusive with Karen just as her mother was with her.

Karen grew up to be an anxious child.  As a four year old, she never knew when Alice would fly off the handle and scream at her or slap her.  There were times when Alice would be sweet to Karen and then, for a minor issue (like Karen dropping an ice cream cone) Alice would explode and startle Karen.

Alice had several boyfriends during Karen's childhood.  She had very chaotic on-again/off-again relationships with men.  Karen would start to get close to whomever Alice was seeing at the time, and then he was gone.  This was significant losses for Karen.

Whenever Alice went through a breakup, she became depressed and angry and she would drink a lot.  Without realizing how damaging it was, while, drunk and upset, Alice would tell Karen that men were "no good."

Alice Became Depressed and Angry Whenever She Went Through a Breakup

Karen was very anxious and she wished that she could do something to help her mother.

During one particularly bad breakup, Alice made a suicide attempt by taking a handful of sleeping pills.  Betty called 911 and Alice was rushed to the ER.  Alice was kept in the hospital for observation for 72 hours and, after she assured the psychiatrist that she wasn't going to hurt herself or anyone else, she was released.

While Alice was in the hospital, Betty refused to talk about it with Karen.  She tried to distract her with books and TV, but Karen knew that something was wrong and not knowing made her feel scared.

Alice, Betty and Karen had to attend family counseling after the hospital contacted the bureau of child  welfare.

Things improved for a while during this time.  After they completed family therapy, the counselor recommended that Alice attend individual therapy, but Alice refused and her case was closed.  Then, things went downhill again.

When Karen's elementary school teachers told Alice that Karen was an anxious child, despite their assurances that they were not criticizing her, Alice took their comments personally and felt they were saying that she was a bad mother.  Alice got very angry and moved her to another school.

When Karen was 11, Alice got her GED and got a job where she could support them, so she moved out of Betty's household.  At first, things seemed to be going well.  Alice and the landlady became friends.

But several months later, when the landlady made a comment about Alice not recycling properly, Alice became enraged and moved back in with her Betty until she found another apartment.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder

Throughout Karen's childhood, she and her mother moved numerous times because of the arguments that Alice would have with the landlords.  Each time that this happened Alice would uproot Karen from  the neighborhood, her school and the few friends that Karen made.

When Karen went to junior high school, one of her teachers saw something special in Karen and took Karen under her wing.  She spent time with Karen as part of the after school program, helped her with her homework, and took an interest in her.  She encouraged and motivated Karen.  She also gave Karen a sense of hope about the future--something that Karen never had before.

Gradually, Karen came out of her emotional shell and began to enjoy her talks with her teacher.  She never told her mother about this relationship because she was afraid that her mother would get angry and try to come between her and the teacher.

By the time Karen was in high school, she dreamed of going away to college and being on her own.  She worked hard, got good grades and, despite the chaos at home, she was able to go to the college of her choice out of state with a scholarship.

Karen did well in college.  She made friends and dated casually.  She felt happier than she had ever felt.

Growing Up With a Parent With Borderline Personality Disorder

Then, in her last year of college, her relationship with a young man, Dan, at college began getting serious and she felt anxious and scared.

Even though she knew she cared about him and he cared about her, the anxiety and emotional vulnerability that she experienced was so overwhelming that, at times, she wanted to end the relationship just to avoid feeling these emotions.

Karen knew that she needed to get psychological help or she would ruin her relationship with Dan.

In my next article, I'll continue discussing this scenario and how Karen was helped in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy 
Growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder can be traumatic, but working with a licensed mental health professional can help you to free yourself from emotional trauma so you can go on to live a meaningful and fulfilling life.

If you're struggling as an adult with the impact of childhood trauma, you're not alone.  Rather than continuing to struggle alone, take steps to contact a licensed therapist who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Had Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 3

he Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 1

In a prior article,  Coping With a Spouse Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, I discussed the challenges of living with a spouse who has borderline personality disorder.  It is one of the most popular articles on my blog site.  In this article, I'm focusing on the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Before we go further, let's define borderline personality disorder.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, self image and emotions.

It is also characterized by impulsivity beginning by early adulthood with five or more of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• a pattern of unstable and intense relationships, alternating between idealization and devaluation
• an unstable self image or sense of self
• impulsivity, including self harm, overspending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats or self mutilation
• highly reactive and unpredictable mood 

As I mentioned above, for someone to be diagnosed with borderline personality, s/he doesn't have to have all of the above traits--they only need to have five or more.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Even when someone doesn't meet the full criteria for borderline personality, a person can have significant borderline personality traits.

How Does Borderline Personality Disorder Affect Attachment Between the Primary Caregiver and a Child?

A loving bond between a primary caretaker (let's assume for this article that it's the mother) and an infant is crucial for the healthy physical and emotional development of the infant.

There's no such thing as a "perfect bond" between mothers and infants.

The bond between most infants and their mother tends to be "good enough" so that the infants develop a secure attachment (see my article:  Early Bonding Between Mother and Infant).

Secure Attachment Between Mother and Child

A secure attachment generally develops if the mother is receptive to the infant by engaging in caregiving responses like touching, holding and soothing as well as being emotionally in sync with the infant.

As part of healthy, secure attachment, there is a reciprocal relationship between the infant and the mother as they each respond to each other emotionally and physically.

However, infants who are raised with a mother who has borderline personality disorder tend to develop insecure attachment.

As opposed to secure attachments, mothers with borderline personality disorder tend to develop unresolved, preoccupied and fearful attachments with their children.

With insecure (unresolved, preoccupied and fearful) attachment, the person with borderline personality longs for closeness but is also fearful of dependency and rejection at the same time.  T

his ambivalence is communicated to the infant on an unconscious level and it is detrimental to the infant's healthy physical and emotional development.

The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

For the mother with borderline personality the vacillation between longing and fearing emotional intimacy is an emotional dilemma (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

The infant who is raised by a mother with borderline personality disorder experiences unpredictable emotions, including unpredictable rage.

A mother with borderline personality disorder might also be emotionally and physically abusive with the infant or neglectful.

Children who grow up under these circumstances often have difficulty developing trusting relationships  as children and as adults due to the unpredictable nature of their early childhood experiences.

The negative affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder can be mitigated by the loving presence of another adult, like the other parent, an older sibling, a grandparent and so on (more about this in a future article).

In Part 2 of this article, I will continue discussing the affect of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder.

Getting Help in Therapy
You don't need to be psychotherapist to know that growing up in an emotionally unpredictable and chaotic home has a profound effect on you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people, who grew up with one or both parents who had borderline personality disorder, fear that they will develop similar dynamics with their children or in their adult relationships, even though they don't want to do this (see my article:  Discovering That You Developed the Same Traits You Didn't Like in Your Parents).

As I will discuss in a future article, the emotional effects of growing up in chaotic and abusive or neglectful household can be overcome in therapy if you work with a licensed mental health professional who understands these dynamics and knows how to help people to overcome them.

It's often hard for people who grew up in unpredictable households to trust coming to therapy, but for those who get psychological help with an experienced therapist, they can learn to live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:  The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality - Part 2

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships

This is the fourth article in a series of blog articles about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships.  The prior blog articles were:

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 1

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 2 - Insecure Attachment Styles

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships: Part 3 - What Causes Insecure Attachment?

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment Bonds

Understanding the Impact of the Early Attachment Bond
As I've discussed in prior articles, when there is a secure attachment bond between the mother and infant, both mother and child are attuned to each other.  Even though the infant can't speak, the infant picks up on nonverbal cues, including the mother's gaze (see picture below).   Infants are hard wired to bond with their primary caregivers.


When there is an insecure attachment, which usually occurs on a spectrum from difficult to traumatic,   the impact on the child will be significant.  Depending upon how out of attunement the mother is with the child, the child can grow up having difficulties forming close relationships.

Unfortunately, even when these adults come to therapy, if they see therapists who have little or no knowledge about the impact of the bonding process between mothers and children, the attachment issue can be overlooked.

Let's take a look at a hypothetical example.  As always, this is a fictionalized illustration that is made up of a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed:

Ted
Ted's mother, Mary, was 17 years old when she gave birth to Ted.  She was still in high school, and she wasn't ready to raise an infant.  Mary's parents were unwilling to help her, and Ted's father wanted nothing to do with the baby.  So, when Ted was two months months old, Mary brought him to live with her maternal grandmother, who lived out of state.  While Ted was away, Mary hoped to graduate from high school and find a job so she could support herself and Ted.

Ted's grandmother, Nina, was in her late 70s, and she suffered with arthritis.  She agreed to take Ted in because she didn't want Ted to end up in foster care and there was no one else in the family who could take care of him.

Nina was able to take care of Ted's basic physical needs in terms of food, shelter, and other basic necessities.  But she was too tired and in too much physical pain to spend time creating an emotional bond with him.

So, Ted remained in his crib most of the time.  Nina believed that if a baby cried, the primary caregiver should allow the baby to cry himself to sleep.  She believed that if she picked him up, she would spoil him.  She had never learned that babies need love and attention when they're in distress, so she had no idea how detrimental her lack of attention would be for Ted.

Ted would spend a lot of time crying in his crib and trying to get his great grandmother's attention.  After a while, he became exhausted and he would withdraw and fall asleep.

By the time Ted was one years old, Mary missed her son so much that she decided she wanted him back.  She quit school in her senior year, got a job, and she and three other friends rented an apartment together.  Then, against the advice of her family, she brought Ted back to live with her and her roommates.  It was crowded, but Mary was happy to have her son home, and she and her roommates took turns taking care of Ted.

Initially, Ted, who was accustomed to being around Nina, was frightened of being around Mary and her roommates.  Even though Nina wasn't nurturing towards him, he knew Nina and he didn't know Mary.  Mary and her roommates were strangers to him.  During the first few weeks, he crawled around Mary's apartment looking for Nina and crying when he couldn't find her.

Mary was very disappointed that Ted was frightened of her.  She had been missing him so much, and all she could think of was holding him in her arms and kissing him.  But he tended to shy away from her.  It took a while before he warmed up to her and allowed her to be loving towards him.

A few months later, two of Mary's roommates decided to move out.  Mary and her remaining roommate couldn't afford to pay the rent on the apartment.  Mary's parents refused to take her and her son in, so Mary felt she had no choice but to bring Ted back to Nina's home, and she rented a room for herself.

This back and forth pattern between Nina and Mary went on throughout most of Ted's childhood.  Ted grew up to be a shy, withdrawn child.  He had difficulty making friends, and he tended to keep to himself as a child, a teenager and a young man in his early 20s.

Ted managed to just get by in high school, and he obtained a full time job after graduation working in a department store.

By that time, Mary was in a better financial position and Ted lived with her.  She continued to try to develop a better relationship with Ted, but Ted never thought of her as his mother, even though he knew, of course, that she was his biological mother.

In his early 20s, Ted wanted very much to have a girlfriend, but he was dreaded the thought of allowing anyone to get close to him.  The result was that even though he was very lonely, he couldn't bring himself to attempt to meet women his age.

After much consideration, Ted began therapy to try to understand why he was having such difficulty trying to meet women.  His first therapist recognized that Ted was depressed, but she didn't understand how he was affected by the upheaval of moving between his mother and great grandmother as a child and how this affected his ability to form close relationships.  She referred him to a psychiatrist for anti-depressant medication, which helped somewhat.  But Ted still felt lonely and empty inside.

After a year in therapy, his therapist conceded that she wasn't able to help him, and she referred him to a more experienced therapist who happened to be knowledgeable about attachment theory.

Ted's new therapist could see that he was depressed, but after she heard his childhood history, she also understood that a major part of his problem involved early attachment issues.

His new therapist helped Ted to understand why he was so afraid of forming close relationships, even  though he was very lonely and craved a loving, nurturing relationship.  Gradually, she helped Ted to manage his fear while he took small, manageable steps to meet women.  She also helped him to work through the early trauma that caused him to feel a combination of dread and longing.

Over time, Ted was able to work through the early trauma and begin to form a close relationship with a woman he initially met online.  Things were bumpy at first because Ted was still frightened of getting close to his new girlfriend.  At times, he would pull away from her when he felt overwhelmed by fear.  But, gradually, he learned to trust her and he continued to do trauma work in therapy, he allowed himself to open up more to her.

Getting Help
If you think you might have problems with relationships due to early attachment issues, it's possible to work through these issues in therapy with a therapist who know is knowledgeable about early attachment issues, trauma, and this affects your ability to have close relationships.

Rather than continuing to struggle emotionally, you owe it to yourself to get the help you need so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.