Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 4: What is Synchrony Sex?

I've been focusing lately on the topic "What is Good Sex?" based on the work of psychologist Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).  This article is the fourth in a series of articles on this topic, and the focus of this article is "Synchrony Sex" (see my prior articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2: Solace Sex and Part 3: Sealed Off Sex).

What is Synchrony Sex?

What is Synchrony Sex?

With synchrony sex, each person is open and emotionally vulnerable to their partner. They are emotionally attuned to one another.  

Whereas solace sex and sealed off sex are based on insecure attachment (e.g., an anxious or avoidant attachment style), synchrony sex is based a secure attachment style between the two people in a relationship (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Synchrony sex occurs between two people when the erotic and the emotional connection come together.  Generally, each person feels safe and secure so they can be open sexually and emotionally with one another.  

This openness allows the couple to bond with each other and opens up the possibility for sexual exploration and a tolerance for sexual differences that can often be negotiated (e.g., differences in terms of frequency of sex, sex acts, and so on).

Synchrony sex is associated with a healthy, committed relationship where emotional vulnerability between the two people increases the emotional intimacy in their relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy and What is the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?).

Even in a relationship with secure attachment, there can still be problems with sex. But these problems are generally more easily worked through, as compared to couples who experience an insecure attachment, because there is a healthy emotional foundation (see my article: How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex).

Clinical Vignette: Relationships: Synchrony Sex: Working Out Differences in Sexual Arousal

One common problem in many relationships is a difference in sexual arousal, as will be illustrated in the vignette below, which is a composite of many different cases:

Jane and Mark

After 10 years of marriage, Jane and Mark, in their early 40s, sought help in EFT Couples Therapy to work out issues in their sex life.  Generally, aside from the problems in their sexual relationship, they were happily married with three children. 

Both of them described happy childhoods where they each felt loved and secure in their family of origin.  As a result, they both developed a secure attachment style, which allowed them to develop a healthy relationship with each other.

They told their couples therapist that they were devoted to each other and their children.  Jane told the story of how passionate their sex life had been in the early days of their relationship.  

She recounted how they couldn't keep their hands off each other during the first few years of their relationship, and they spent their weekends making love. But, she said, right after their first child, even though she loved Mark more than ever, she no longer felt as sexual.  She still felt sexually attracted to Mark, but she didn't feel as sexual as she did in the past.

Mark told the therapist that in the early days of their relationship Jane was always ready to have sex, but now he felt she was only having sex to please him, and this was hurtful to him.  

As Jane listened to him, she nodded her head in agreement and she admitted that she often had sex with Mark to satisfy him.  She said sometimes she got into having sex once they started, but just as often she felt too tired for sex.

Throughout the couples therapy consultation, Jane and Mark held hands and frequently looked at each other with affection.  It was apparent to the couples therapist that they loved each other and they experienced a secure attachment style, but they needed to work out the differences in sexual arousal that had developed over time between them.

Mark also talked about not wanting to always be the one who initiated sex between them.  As Jane listened carefully, Mark looked at her affectionately and said he would like her to initiate sex sometimes.  

In response, Jane said she didn't feel as sexually attracted now, at age 42, as she once did when she was younger.  She told Mark that she was very aware that she had gained some weight and her body had changed so much after the birth of their three children, "I just don't feel so attractive and sexy anymore to initiate sex now."

"I never knew you felt this way.  I think you're more beautiful now than when we first met," Mark responded by squeezing Jane's hand.

Jane also said, somewhat shyly, that she sometimes experienced vaginal dryness, which made sexual intercourse uncomfortable at times, especially if she wasn't sexually aroused.  

Hearing this, Mark seemed surprised and said Jane had never told him how she felt about her body before.  He was also surprised that, until now, she felt too embarrassed to talk about it.  

In response, the couples therapist normalized Jane's experience of vaginal dryness. She  recommended that Jane speak with her gynecologist to rule out a medical problem.  She also recommended that the couple experiment with different types of lubrication.

After Jane saw her gynecologist and learned that her vaginal dryness is normal for her age, she and Mark began to use lubrication so that sex wasn't uncomfortable for Jane.  Over time, Jane also accepted that the changes in her body were normal.  

During their couples therapy sessions, Mark and Jane learned that many factors were contributing to the change in their sex life, including stress. Their couples therapist told them that it was normal for couples to experience a change in their sex life, especially after they have children, more responsibilities to contend with and more stress.

Over time, Mark and Jane took steps to improve their sex life.  They both worked on reducing their stress by exercising and meditating.  

They also did things to increase sexual anticipation and arousal--planning a romantic evening while their children stayed with Jane's parents, reading erotic passages to each other, talking about their sexual fantasies, and so on (see my article: Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners in Their Relationship).

Jane developed more of a curiosity about what turned her. Specifically, she learned to be more comfortable masturbating alone as well as with Mark to find out more about what she liked sexually.  

On the advice of her couples therapist and her medical doctor, Jane began working out.  She realized, once she started exercising regularly, that she felt more sexually aroused after doing aerobic exercise.  All that heart pumping exercise translated into more sexual passionate.  She and Mark also got curious about using sex toys and used them to spice things up and add variety to their sex life.

During their couples therapy sessions, Mark and Jane opened up more to talk about what each of them found pleasurable.  This new sense of openness was exciting for them.  Jane said she felt more sexually confident about initiating sex, especially after a good workout, and this pleased both of them.

Both of them said they were happier with their sex life than they had been since the early stage of their relationship.  Since they were happy in the other areas of their marriage, they successfully terminated couples therapy.

Conclusion

Compared to solace sex and sealed off sex, synchrony sex involves both an emotional attachment and an erotic dynamic.  The vignette about Jane and Mark illustrate how a couple can develop a dynamic of synchrony sex.

Even when a couple experiences a secure attachment in an otherwise healthy relationship, there can still be problems that develop along the way.

Since a relationship based on a secure attachment style has a healthy foundation, these sexual differences, whether it's differences in how each person experiences sexual arousal or other differences, can be worked out in couples therapy.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner need help to improve your sexual relationship, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop a more satisfying sex life and a happier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and EFT couples therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 3: What is Sealed Off Sex?

This is the third in a series of articles about what is good sex (see my prior articles:What is Good Sex - Part 1 and Part 2: What is Solace Sex?).  In this article, I'm focusing on what Dr. Sue Johnson, the psychologist who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT), describes as "sealed off sex."

What is Sealed Off Sex?

What is Sealed Off Sex?

Sealed off sex, as described by Dr. Johnson, is sex that is primarily associated with one-night stands or casual sex where novelty is primary (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

The primary focus is on lust, sensation, sexual prowess and having an orgasm.  Generally, there is little to no emotional connection with sealed off sex.  However, there are times when a couple's relationship starts off being based on casual sex and it has the potential to develop into a deeper, more committed relationship. 

If the couple wants to develop a deeper, more committed relationship that goes beyond lust, they would need to work on developing emotional connection and vulnerability (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in Relationships). However, if only one person is interested in having a committed/monogamous relationship, there will be conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Sealed Off Sex

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the dynamics of sealed off sex in a relationship:

Sam and Beth

When they first met through a dating app, neither Sam nor Beth were looking for a committed relationship.  Both of them were in their mid-30s and they each had just ended a prior long term relationship.

Initially, they both agreed that they weren't looking for a serious relationship, they were both dating other people, and when they got together, it was mostly for casual sex.  

But as time went on, Beth began to feel emotionally attached to Sam, and she no longer wanted to date other men.  Even though sex was passionate with Sam, Beth was no longer  happy to just hook up with him. She wanted more of an emotional connection with him, and it was becoming too painful to her that he was seeing other women.

Due to their initial agreement to keep things casual between them, Beth was hesitant to talk to Sam about being exclusive. But when she realized that she had fallen in love with him, she knew it would be increasingly painful for her to settle for just a physical relationship.  So, she broached the topic one day when he came over to see her (see my article: Dating: Is It Time For the Talk?).

As soon as Sam heard that Beth had developed deeper feelings for him and she wanted an exclusive relationship, he told her that this wasn't at all what he wanted.  He reminded her that he said from the start he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Beth wasn't surprised by Sam's response, but she was disappointed.  Knowing that it would only become more hurtful to continue seeing Sam under the circumstances, she told him that they should stop seeing each other.  Sam was disappointed and he told her that he had hoped they could continue to see each other as they had been, but he realized things had changed for Beth and he understood why she didn't want to see him anymore.

Over the next few weeks, Beth tried to avoid looking at Sam's social media accounts. Part of her didn't want to see pictures of him with other women, and another part of her was very curious.  But as soon as she saw pictures of him out with other women, she was overcome with sadness.

Sam didn't think he would miss Beth, but as time went on, he realized he was thinking about her a lot.  So, he called her and asked her to meet for coffee to talk things over, and she agreed.

As they sat facing each other in the coffee shop, Sam admitted that he missed her more than he anticipated.  He asked her, once again, if she would consider resuming their casual relationship without any commitments, and she reiterated that she wasn't comfortable doing this, so they were still at an impasse.

Over coffee, Sam told Beth that, even when he was in a committed relationship, he had been unfaithful to his girlfriend.  Originally, Sam had told Beth that he and his prior girlfriend grew apart and that's why they broke up.  But he now admitted that his prior girlfriend found out about his infidelity with many different women. He said she gave him a chance to change, but even though he loved his girlfriend, he couldn't stop seeing other women for casual sex, also known as sealed off sex, so his girlfriend left him.

As Beth listened to Sam talk about how he destroyed his prior relationship and she saw how ashamed he felt about his behavior in that relationship, she realized his problem was much worse than she had ever anticipated.  She also realized that if he couldn't be faithful in his prior five year relationship, he probably wouldn't be faithful with her.

Sam told her that he wanted to change because he realized he would have no chance of having a meaningful relationship if he couldn't stop philandering, but he had problems controlling his sexual urges.

Shortly after that conversation, Sam sought help in therapy where he began to work on the underlying issues, including unresolved trauma, involved with his sexual compulsivity.  He began to develop an understanding about how unresolved trauma can affect relationships).

After a few months of working on his underlying issues, Sam was able to make a commitment to Beth and they got back together.  In the meantime, he continued to work on his issues in therapy.

Conclusion

Sealed off sex is casual sex which is usually devoid of emotional connection.  

Although the vignette in this article involves sexual compulsivity, this doesn't mean that everyone who has casual sex is sexually compulsive.  

Many people enjoy casual sex and it's not a problem. However, for people who have problems because they experience their sexual behavior as out of control, sexual compulsivity with underlying trauma is a possibility that should be explored with an experienced mental health practitioner.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are struggling with sexual problems, you're not alone, and you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to work through your problems.

Taking the first step, setting up a consultation, is often the hardest, but it can also be the first step to transforming your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more abut me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 2: Are You Using Solace Sex in an Anxious Attempt to Stay Emotionally Connected?

In my prior article, What is Good Sex?, which was Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about three different types of sex, as defined by Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT).  In the current article, I'm focusing on solace sex.

What is Solace Sex?

What is Solace Sex?

Dr. Johnson defines solace sex as occurring when one or both partners are unsure and anxious about the relationship so they seek reassurance in their sex life together.

With solace sex there is a focus on gaining reassurance about the relationship by trying to please the other partner as a way of winning over their approval and through seeking physical proximity.

People who have an anxious attachment style often engage in solace sex.  Also, people with an anxious attachment style often unconsciously choose partners with an avoidant attachment style, so this exacerbates the problem (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

With solace sex, there is an emphasis on cuddling and being affectionate rather than the more erotic aspects of sex.  In addition, the person with an anxious attachment style, who is insecure, is highly sensitive to any signs of rejection.  

For example, if their partner is too tired to have sex, they often experience catastrophic thoughts where they believe their partner doesn't love them and they try to pressure their partner to have sex to feel reassured that the partner cares for them (see my article:  Are You Catastrophizing?).

This often leads to more arguments and conflicts in the relationship, especially if the relationship is already unstable.

Clinical Vignette 1: Solace Sex in an Uncommitted, Unstable Relationship

Pam and Ed

When Pam and Ed, both in their mid-30s, first met at a party, they were drawn to each other immediately and they began dating soon after that.

From the beginning, Ed was upfront with Pam. He told her that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship--he only wanted a casual relationship with her.  He also let her know that he had never been monogamous in any of his prior relationships, and he was currently dating two other women. 

Although Pam didn't like that Ed was seeing other women, she believed she could eventually change his mind and convince him that she was the woman for him.  Whenever they got together, Pam felt it was an opportunity to change Ed's mind.  She would do everything she could to try to please him in terms of the way she dressed, the meals she made for him, and the little gifts she bought for him.  

During sex, Pam sought constant reassurance from Ed that he liked her, which annoyed Ed.  He couldn't understand why Pam needed so much reassurance.  

After a while, Ed realized that he was thinking about the two other women that he was dating whenever he was with Pam and wishing he was with one of them.  

Three months later, Ed felt tired and bored with the relationship. He told Pam that he didn't want to continue dating her.  When Pam heard this, she flew into a rage, and Ed left her apartment abruptly slamming the door behind him.

Eventually, they reconciled, but over the next six months, Pam and Ed had an on-again/off-again relationship (see my article:  The Heartbreak of the On Again/Off Again Relationship).  

The pattern was always the same: Pam wanted more from Ed than he wanted to give her.  She wanted a monogamous relationship and he wanted to continue to see other women.  The more they argued about this, the more these arguments eroded Pam's self confidence, which was low even before she began dating Ed.  

Whenever they got back together again after a breakup, they never discussed their differences about monogamy.  Instead, they brushed those issues under the rug, and they reconciled by having sex.  Whenever they had sex, Pam felt reassured--until the conflict about monogamy came up again, which led to another breakup.

Pam's friends could see that she had highs and lows in this relationship--mostly lows.  They told her that she would be happier if she dated someone who also wanted to be monogamous.  As they saw how unhappy Pam was with Ed, they couldn't understand why she pursued him after each breakup.  And they really couldn't understand why Pam found Ed so compelling.  

Pam and Ed in EFT Couples Therapy:

Although Ed was reluctant, Pam persuaded him to go with her to EFT couples therapy.  

After the first session, the couples therapist told them that they each wanted something different--Pam wanted to be monogamous and Ed didn't.  She pointed out that, even though they kept coming back together after their frequent breakups, their problems hinged on this issue and they were far apart on it.  She told them that, as long as they were so far apart on the issue of monogamy, she didn't see how couples therapy could help them because what they wanted was so fundamentally different.  She recommended individual therapy for each of them.  

Soon after that, when Ed broke up with Pam again and he refused to reconcile, Pam entered into individual therapy to try to understand why she stayed in such an unstable relationship.  In her individual therapy, Pam learned that her unresolved childhood trauma in an unstable family drew her to Ed.  She also saw that she had a tendency to seek out men who were emotionally unavailable.  She worked on resolving her trauma in individual therapy so she wouldn't continue to repeat this pattern.  

Ed never sought individual therapy for himself. He was content being nonmonogamous and sought out women who were only interested in casual relationships.  Even though these relationships didn't last long, Ed felt comfortable going from one relationship to the next.

Clinical Vignette 2: Solace Sex in a Committed Relationship

Liz and Joe

Liz and Joe were both single and in their early 40s when they met.  During the first six months of their relationship, they had an active sex life together, and they agreed to be monogamous.  

Liz preferred cuddling with Joe and she often wanted reassurances from him that he cared about her and that he found her attractive. At first, Joe didn't mind that Liz needed so much reassurance, but after a while, he was getting tired of it.  He couldn't understand why Liz needed to hear him tell her every time they were together that he cared for her and that she was beautiful.  He felt Liz was nagging him about this.  He also didn't like to cuddle all the time, but he did it because he knew that if he didn't, Liz would become anxious and she would begin to have doubts about his feelings for her.  

By the time they were together for six months, Joe had taken on a second job to pay off his debt, so he was often tired when he saw Liz on the weekends.  He was especially tired on Friday nights after a long work week.  As a result, he was often too tired to have sex on Friday nights and suggested they have sex on Saturday morning.  

Initially, Joe didn't think Liz would mind because, after all, they would be together all weekend.  So when Liz reacted angrily and accused him of not caring about her anymore, he was very surprised.  

He thought Liz was overreacting and he tried to reassure her that his feelings hadn't changed--he was just tired.  But nothing he said helped to soothe Liz, and after a while he felt Liz was being inconsiderate and too demanding.   

As time went on, Joe wondered if he wanted to spend so much time with Liz.  His preference would have been to spend less time together because, compared to Liz, he needed much more down time (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).  

But when he told her this, she became highly anxious and upset, and Joe felt himself withdrawing from her emotionally.  And, as is typical in the dynamic between a person with an anxious attachment style (Liz) and a person with an avoidant attachment style (Joe), the more he withdrew from her, the more she pursued him.

Liz and Joe in EFT Couples Therapy: 

Liz and Joe exemplify a typical dynamic with solace sex.  Liz has an anxious attachment style and Joe has more of an avoidant attachment style.

As such, Liz needed a lot of reassurance from Joe that he cared about her and she sought this reassurance through solace sex.  

She was the emotional and sexual pursuer in the relationship and he was the withdrawer.  After a while, the more she pursued, the more overwhelmed he felt and the more he withdrew from her.

Even though they had problems, Liz and Joe were both committed to their relationship.  Neither of them wanted to see other people.  So, when they realized they weren't able to resolve their problems on their own, they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).

Their EFT couples therapist helped Liz and Joe to see the negative cycle in their relationship.  Rather than fighting with each other, they learned to pull together to change their relationship dynamic. They each realized that they were repeating a cycle that was part of their family of origin history.  

Liz learned to recognize her catastrophic thinking and, rather than accusing Joe of not caring for her, she calmed herself first and then she was able to approach Joe to tell him what she needed from him.  She also learned not to take it personally if he was too tired to have sex.

When Joe felt less pressured, he felt more drawn to Liz.  Rather than withdrawing from her, Joe was more affectionate, even when he was too tired to have sex.  

In addition, they were able to compromise more about spending time together versus spending time apart, so Joe was able to have more down time, and Liz stopped feeling insecure about Joe's need for time for himself.

Working together in couples therapy, they were able to change their relationship dynamic so they had a more satisfying relationship.  

Conclusion

In the vignettes above, the people with the anxious attachment style who sought out solace sex were women.  They were the pursuers in their relationship and the men were the withdrawers with more of an avoidant attachment style.  However, even though pursuers are usually women and withdrawers are usually men in heterosexual relationships, there are also male pursuers and female withdrawers.

As previously mentioned, people who seek out solace sex usually feel anxious and insecure in their relationships.  This is exacerbated by the fact they often unconsciously choose partners who are less emotionally available, which often repeats a family of origin dynamic.

In unstable relationships, as in the vignette about Pam and Ed, the pursuer (Pam) often finds the instability of the relationship to be compelling--even though, at the same time, the pursuer is trying very hard to get her emotional needs met.  

An insecure attachment, like an anxious attachment style, which develops at an early age, contributes to this dynamic.  The more the pursuer pursues the withdrawer, who has an avoidant attachment style, the more the withdrawer distances himself.  And the more he distances, the more she pursues, which leads to ongoing problems.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples helps couples, who are committed to each other, to understand the negative cycle in their relationship so they can work on changing the cycle.  Rather than blaming each other, they learn to work together to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are having problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist.

Research has shown that EFT Couples therapy is an effective evidence-based couples therapy that has helped many couples to resolve their problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner who is skilled in helping people overcome their relationship problems.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist in NYC (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 1

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (also known as EFT), there are three types of sex in relationships: Synchrony sex, sealed off sex, and solace sex.  I'll be exploring each of these dynamics in this article (see my articles: What's the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?).

Relationships: What is Good Sex?

What is Good Sex?

Sexual attraction draws us to a potential partner.  During the initial stage of a relationship, sex is often exciting and passionate (see my article: The 5 Stages of a Relationship: From Attraction to Commitment).

But a relationship changes over time, which includes the sexual dynamics.  So how do you develop and maintain good sex?

Popular culture usually isn't helpful to understand what good sex is all about. Images on TV, in movies and social media often portray "good sex" as being compelling--both people are often portrayed as automatically ready to jump into bed with little or no foreplay.  

While this might work for most men, we know that many women need foreplay to get sexually aroused.  Also, there is little information about good sex being a combination of emotional connection and eroticism. 

The 3 Types of Sex in a Relationship

So let's start by defining the three types of sex:

Synchrony Sex:  

In synchrony sex, each person is open and emotionally vulnerable to their partner. They are emotionally attuned to one another.  

This is the kind of sexual dynamic between two people where the erotic and the emotional connection come together.  

Each person feels safe and secure so they can be open sexually and emotionally with one another.  

This openness allows the couple to bond with each other and opens up the possibility for sexual exploration and a tolerance for sexual differences (e.g., differences in terms of frequency, sex acts, and so on).

This is the type of sex that is associated with a healthy, committed relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Solace Sex:

With solace sex, one or both people feel insecure about the relationship and need a lot of reassurance.

Along with insecurity, there is anxiety and a sensitivity to rejection or perceived rejection.

As part of the need for reassurance, there is more of a focus on cuddling and being affectionate as well as sex.  All of these insecurities can lead to catastrophic thinking when a partner says, "I don't feel like having sex tonight" or "I'm tired. Can we try tomorrow morning?" To an insecure partner, this means that their partner doesn't care about them, which can lead to arguments or a breakup.

Sealed Off Sex:

With sealed off sex, the focus is primarily on having an orgasm. 

This is usually the kind of sex associated with a one-night stand or casual sex where novelty is important. 

The focus is on sensation and sexual prowess.  There is a lack of emotional attunement and connection in this type of sex.  

Sealed off sex can be fun at times in a relationship, but if this is the predominant form of sex in a committed relationship, the couple also needs to develop the emotional connection and the mutuality necessary for a committed relationship to survive (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

Also see my articles:

What is Good Sex - Part 2: Solace Sex

What is Good Sex - Part 3: Sealed Off Sex

What is Good Sex - Part 4: Synchrony Sex

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from getting help from an experienced psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner can learn to change the dynamics in your relationship so you can have a healthier and happy relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

In prior articles, Anger as a Secondary Emotion and Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding the Underlying Emotions in Therapy, I wrote about anger and boredom in terms of secondary emotions.  In the current article, I will discuss focus on how understanding and expressing primary emotions could save your relationship.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

Understanding Primary and Secondary Emotions in a Relationship
In a relationship where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other partner has an avoidant attachment style, each person will probably express their dissatisfaction and frustration with the relationship in different ways (see my article:  How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

If one or both people in a relationship misunderstand what's being communicated, it could jeopardize the relationship, especially if both people are locked into a rigid, dysfunctional way of relating.

This is why it's so important to look beyond the surface of what's being expressed to understand the possible hurt and longing that is hidden beyond the surface.

Couples therapy with a licensed psychotherapist, who understands attachment styles and primary and secondary emotions, can help avoid misunderstandings and a possible breakup.

Fictional Vignette: How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship
The following fictional vignette illustrates how couples, who are locked into a dysfunctional interactive pattern, can learn to understand and express primary emotions by seeking help in couples counseling:

May and John
May and John, who were married for 10 years, decided to seek help in couples counseling because their relationship had devolved from a loving, nurturing relationship to an ongoing battle of accusations and counter-accusations.

May explained to their couples therapist that the problems began a couple of years ago when John took a new job where he had to spend a lot of extra hours at work.  When he came home, she said, he was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was eat supper, watch a little TV and then go to sleep.

She told the couples therapist that John was frequently asleep on the couch by 9 PM.  She said that, while she understood that he was tired from a long day at work, she often felt lonely because he was barely communicative during the week and when she wanted to go out on weekends, he just wanted to lounge around the apartment.

She also explained that whereas they used to have an active sex life, their sex life now was practically nonexistent.  Since they were only in their mid-30s, she felt this didn't bode well for the survival of the relationship.  She said that whenever she complained to him that he wasn't paying enough attention to her, he would remain silent and turn away from her, which infuriated her so much that she would lose her temper and begin yelling.

When he didn't walk into another room to avoid her, she said, he would sometimes also lose his temper so that they were then involved in a shouting match, both saying things that they regretted later.  Then, she said, they would usually each retreat from one another for a while--until the next argument and the cycle began again.

May said that they both wanted to have a child within the next year or so, but she didn't see how their relationship could survive.  So, on the one hand, it made her hesitant about having a baby and, on the other hand, she was aware that if she didn't have a baby soon, she might not be able to conceive because of her age.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

The couples therapist noticed that while May was speaking, John sat silently looking away.  She could see that John was feeling annoyed and defensive, and he had "checked out" of the session as soon as May began speaking.

She would need to get to know May and John better over time, but her first impression was that, in terms of their attachment styles, May was in the role of an anxious "pursuer" and John was in the role of an avoidant "withdrawer" in their dynamic.

When the couples therapist invited John to speak, he shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know what to say.  May knows that I'm working these crazy hours in order to advance my career so we can eventually have a house and other things that we want.  It's not that I like working long hours--it's required of me.  Then, when I get home, I need space to breathe and relax, but I feel verbally assaulted by May as soon as I walk through the door.  All she does is nag me, which is such a turnoff so, yeah, I'm not usually interested in having sex because I'm tired but also because I'm turned off by how May speaks to me.  She's just so angry all the time.  It makes me feel like a failure as a husband.  Then, I just want to be alone.  Who wants to come home to an angry person who yells at you everyday?  Not me."

The couples therapist could see that May and John were locked into a rigid negative way of relating, and neither of them were able to express the love and longing that they felt for each other.  She started by reflecting back and paraphrasing what May said and included that it was clear that, underneath her anger and yelling, was love and longing (the primary emotions) to be with John.

May nodded her head and looked over at John, who seemed a bit more engaged when he heard the couples therapist express May's primary emotions, love and longing, that were being covered over by the secondary emotion of anger.  John looked over at May and took her hand.

Then, the couples therapist paraphrased what John said about actually wanting to spend more time with May, but being required to work long hours at the office.  She paraphrased how tired he felt when he came home and that he needed a little time to unwind before interacting with May.  She also paraphrased that when May got angry and yelled at him, he didn't know what else to do, he felt like a failure as a husband so he withdrew from her.  But, in fact, he really loved her and wanted to be with her (the primary emotions).

As John listened to the couples therapist, he nodded his head to indicate that this is how he felt.  Then, he smiled at May, whose demeanor had softened as she listened to the couples therapist paraphrase what John said.

Then, May squeezed John's hand and said to him that she would be more than willing to give him time and space when he got home if she knew that he would pay attention to her after that.  In response, John gave May a hug.

This was the beginning of weekly six month couple therapy where John and May learned about each of their attachment styles and the primary emotions underneath May's anxious anger and John's defeated avoidant withdrawal.

The beginning stage of couples therapy involved helping May and John to de-escalate their emotions.  May allowed John to unwind and, rather than expressing anger and criticism, she learned to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to express to John the love and longing that she felt.

When May allowed John time to unwind when he got home and she was no longer yelling at him, he felt more comfortable approaching May and being closer to her.  He understood that, even during those times when she would occasionally yell at him, that her anger was a secondary emotion that covered over her love and longing for him and her fears that he was emotionally abandoning her.

May also began to understand that John's withdrawal didn't mean that he didn't care about her.  It meant that this was his secondary, defensive emotion in response to her anger.  She realized that underneath his withdrawn demeanor, he still loved her, but he  felt emotionally overwhelmed by what he perceived to be her angry demands (see my article:  Relationships and Communication: Are You a "Stonewaller"?).

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

They both realized that if they were going to repair their relationship, they each needed to make it safe for each other to be emotionally vulnerable enough to express their primary emotions. This wasn't easy because they each feared getting hurt.  But over time, they allowed themselves to express their primary emotions of love and caring and their relationship improved.

Conclusion
Secondary emotions usually cover over the core primary emotions, which is related to each person's attachment style.

The secondary emotion of anger, which was demonstrated in the vignette above with how May responded to John, often covers over hurt, fear and longing.  And what appears as nonresponsive withdrawal, demonstrated by John when May got angry with him, often covers over the primary emotion of fear and feelings of inadequacy.

In the role of the "pursuer" and with an anxious attachment style, May felt exasperated by John's nonresponsiveness so her anger escalated.  In response, John, who was the "withdrawer" with an avoidant attachment style wanted to withdraw even more.  Underneath what appeared to be a non-caring stance, John was fearful and feeling inadequate.

So, they were caught in this rigid negative dance with each other and neither of them knew how to change that dance until an empathetic couples therapist helped them by allowing them to see the love and longing behind their secondary emotions and feel safe enough to express their more vulnerable emotions (see my article: Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Getting Help in Therapy
The dynamics in the vignette that I presented above are common, and it's often very difficult for a couple to overcome these dynamics on their own.

A skilled couples therapist can help each partner to feel comfortable enough to de-escalate their emotions, understand their primary emotions (as opposed to the secondary emotions that are on the surface), and express their more vulnerable feelings of love and longing for each other (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you and your significant other are stuck in a rigid negative cycle, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

In her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations For a Lifetime of Love, marriage and family therapist, Sue Johnson, discusses, among other things, how attachment styles impact relationships and how to overcome relational dynamics that might be ruining your relationship (see my article: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Before going much further, I think it would be useful to define the term "attachment styles."

What Are Attachment Styles?
Your attachment style is how you relate to people.

Your attachment style is developed during infancy and it is formed based on your relationship with your primary caregivers (usually your parents).

The four attachment styles for adults are:

• secure
• insecure - anxious-preoccupied
• insecure - dismissive-avoidant
• insecure - fearful-avoidant

Based on the names of the categories above, it's obvious that the healthiest attachment style is the secure attachment style.

Although much has been written about attachment theory, I'm focusing more on the practical aspects of understanding attachment styles in relationships rather than the theory, so this is a basic explanation of attachment styles.

Even though people develop their attachment style early in life, it is possible to change how you relate.

How Do Attachment Styles Affect Relationships?
When two people come together in a relationship, they interact with each other based on their attachment style.

Although this might not be evident at first, once the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate, each person will interact with the other based on the attachment style they developed at an early age (this assumes that neither person has been to therapy and has not made any changes).

Most people have little to no awareness of their particular attachment style. 

The best way for me to demonstrate attachment styles in a relationship is through a fictionalized vignette:

Fictional Vignette:  How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship:

Mary and Joe
Mary and Joe, who were both in their early 30s, were dating exclusively for a year.

During the early part of their relationship, they got along well and decided to be monogamous to see if their relationship would develop.

After six months, Mary suggested that they talk about where their relationship was going (see my article:  Dating: Is It Time to Have the Talk?).

Although she didn't want to rush things between them, she knew she wanted to get married eventually and have children, and she was increasingly conscious of her age and that her "biological clock was ticking." All of this made her feel anxious.

Joe was open to having this talk.  He had also been thinking about talking about their relationship, but he probably would have waited a few more months.

At first, it was awkward for each of them to begin this discussion.  So, Mary began by saying that she loved Joe, she was happy in their relationship and she could see them getting married and having children together.  Then, she waited anxiously for Joe to respond.

Joe listened to Mary, and he responded that he loved her very much and he could also see them getting married and having a family "eventually," but he wasn't ready to make that commitment at this point.

When Mary asked him when he thought he would be able to make this commitment, Joe thought about it and then told Mary that he didn't know.  Even though he felt their relationship was heading in the direction of getting married and having a family, it just didn't feel right to him at the moment to make that commitment.

Mary was disappointed to hear Joe say this.  She had hoped that he would, at least, tell her that he wanted to set a date for them to get engaged.

When she told Joe this, he said he would be open to their living together and seeing how things worked out.  And, then, if things worked out for them, he would feel comfortable talking about getting engaged.

On one level, this made sense to Mary but, on another level, she also had a nagging doubt that if she and Joe moved in together that he would never ask her to get married.  She was aware that she felt this way based on how her mother talked about couples who lived together (her mother would say, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?").

Over the next few weeks, they talked about this impasse several times, and Mary tried as best as she could to put aside her doubts.  They decided that even though they both had their own apartments, it would be better to find another place together that was neither hers nor his.

Two months later, they found an apartment that they both liked, and they moved in together.

Mary had hoped that when they moved in together, they would spend most of their free time together.    But Joe wanted to continue to go out with his friends a few nights a week and even sometimes on weekends, which left little time for Joe and Mary to spend together.  Mary realized that they were seeing each other less than before they lived together.

When Mary complained that they weren't spending as much time together as she would like, Joe dismissed her feelings as out of hand.  He told her that he felt they spent plenty of time together and he wasn't willing to give up his nights out with the guys (see my article: New Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

As time went on, Mary felt increasingly upset and anxious about Joe's time away from her.  She felt that it meant he didn't care about her.  Her reasoning was: If Joe cared about me, he would want to spend as much time as possible with me (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

At the same time, Joe felt increasingly annoyed with what he perceived as Mary's demands on his time.  He couldn't understand why she was "making such a big deal" out of the time he spent with his friends.  He assured her that he wasn't seeing other women. What more could she want?

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

The more Joe dismissed Mary's feelings, the more insecure and unlovable she felt.  She also blamed herself for going against her feelings that she shouldn't move in with Joe unless he made more of a commitment.  She saw Joe's dismissive comments about her feelings as proof that she made a mistake.

One Friday night when Joe came home from playing pool with his friends, he was shocked to discover that Mary had packed her bags and she was ready to go home to her family.

Mary was sitting on the couch in tears, "I'm not happy.  It must be my fault that you don't care about me, but I don't know how to fix it.  I think it's better if I leave."

When Joe got over the initial shock of seeing Mary with her bags packed, he sat next to her on the couch and told her not to be so hasty.  He suggested that they talk before she moved out, which she agreed to do.

Then, Joe explained that he likes his independence.  He said he didn't want to feel hemmed in by their relationship.  He still wanted to have friends and spend time with them.  He thought part of the problem was that Mary didn't spend more time with her friends and because of this, she was too emotionally dependent upon him.

Mary disagreed with Joe.  She told him that, as far as she was concerned, he was her primary relationship and more important than her friends, but it was clear to her that he didn't feel this way.

Joe thought that Mary was being too "clingy," but he didn't want to tell her this because he knew that she was feeling bad enough already.  He wondered to himself if he even wanted to be in relationship.  He never felt a real need for a relationship.  He preferred to be independent and on his own, but he also didn't want to be lonely, and when he met Mary, he fell in love with her.

Joe and Mary didn't resolve anything that night, but they agreed to continue to talk about it, so Mary unpacked and she stayed.

After a few days, when Mary felt her anxiety escalating again, she told Joe that she thought they could benefit from going to couples counseling.  Joe groaned inwardly when he heard Mary say this.  He didn't think they needed couples counseling, but he could see that she was very anxious and he didn't want to lose her, so he agreed to go.

After a few sessions of couples counseling, their couples counselor talked to them about attachment styles.  She said her impression was that Mary had an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and Joe had a dismissive-avoidant style.  She also told them that it was not unusual for people with these attachment styles to be attracted to each other.

Their therapist helped them to recognize their attachment styles and how it was impacting their relationship.  She also helped them to begin to make changes.

Since attachment styles are ingrained, it was not easy or quick work in couples counseling, but Joe and Mary made progress.

Mary learned to deal with her insecurities in the relationship, and Joe learned that his dismissive manner was a defense mechanism that kept him from getting closer to Mary.  He also learned that what he saw as "independence" was part of the defense mechanism.  Each of them learned to communicate about what they needed from the other.

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship

Joe recognized that he was spending much of his free time with his friends to avoid getting too close to Mary.  He saw that, even though he loved her, he was also afraid of getting hurt.  So, he agreed to spend only one night with his friends and spend the rest of his free time with Mary.  This increased their emotional intimacy and made him feel more vulnerable, but he was able to talk about this in the couples counseling.

Mary recognized that part of her unconscious attraction to Joe was that he was avoidant.  His avoidance seemed to confirm how she felt about herself--that she was unlovable.  So, Mary dealt with her longstanding feelings of being an unlovable person and with their new level of emotional intimacy.

As they continued to work on these issues in couples counseling, which was challenging, they were both happier in their relationship.

Conclusion
Most people have little to no knowledge of their attachment styles or that they are relating in a particular way with other people.

As mentioned earlier, attachment styles develop at an early age based on the relationship that infants have with their primary caregivers.

While no relationship is perfect, when both people have a secure attachment style, generally, they tend not to have the kind of problems that people with insecure attachment have.

Although attachment styles are ingrained from an early age, people can change how they relate if they attend individual therapy or couples counseling with a knowledgeable psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems in a romantic relationship or in your relationships with other people, it could be related attachment styles.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand your attachment style, how it developed and how you can change how you relate to others (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Although changing how you relate to others can be challenging, you will be happier with yourself and others if you learn to relate in a healthier way.

Rather than continuing to do what doesn't work for you, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is knowledgeable about attachment styles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.