Arousal Nonconcordance and a History of Sexual Abuse

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

Arousal nonconcordance is the physiological phenomenon where a person's physical body responds sexually (such as through lubrication or erection) while their mind feels zero emotional or psychological desire. For survivors of sexual trauma, understanding this disconnect is a vital step toward healing and releasing unearned shame.

Understanding the disconnect between mind and body is a powerful first step toward trauma recovery and reclaiming your narrative.

Topics:

• What is Arousal Nonconcordance?
• The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal
• Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance
• The Connection to Trauma and Memories of Sexual Abuse
• How Trauma Healing and Role Play Can Empower Survivors
• Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

Arousal nonconcordance occurs when there is a distinct disconnect between how someone feels physically and how they feel emotionally and psychologically.

Essentially, it means physical signs of sexual response do not automatically equal psychological desire. It manifests in two distinct ways:

• A person feels physically aroused, but they do not want to have sex.
• A person emotionally desires sex, but their body does not respond with physical arousal.

(For a deeper dive into the foundations of this concept, see my companion article: What is Arousal Nonconcordance?)

The Difference Between Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Arousal

To fully understand this concept, it helps to distinguish between the mind's intent and the body's autonomous reflexes.

• Sexual Desire: This is a purely psychological state. Often described as being "in the mood," desire is a state of mind heavily influenced by emotions, thoughts, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and the immediate context.
• Sexual Arousal: This is an autonomous physical response. It involves involuntary physiological changes, such as increased blood flow to the genitals, lubrication, or erection. Arousal is frequently triggered by automatic physical cues, visual stimuli, touch or sudden memories.

While sexual desire and sexual arousal frequently occur together, they operate on separate systems. Arousal nonconcordance is the clear proof that your body can react independently of your conscious mind.

Examples of Arousal Nonconcordance:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composite cases, illustrate how common and varied this experience is across different relationships:

• Liz and Jane (Lubrication vs. Desire): Liz feels deeply turned on while kissing Jane. However, when Jane touches Liz's genitals, she notices Liz feels dry. Jane assumes this means Liz doesn't want to have sex and stops. Liz gently tells her that even though her body hasn't caught up yet, she intensely desires Jane. They communicate, continue kissing, and enjoy making love.
• Mary and Bill (Unwanted Physical Arousal): Bill touches Mary's genitals to initiate sex. Mary has a severe headache and explicitly states she is not in the mood. Confused, Bill says, "But you're wet, how are you not in the mood?" Mary explains that her body's lubrication is just an automatic reflex, but she lacks the psychological desire to have sex right now. They wait until morning, when Mary feels better, to enjoy intimacy.
• John and Ed (Desire vs. Erection Performance): While in bed, John tells Ed he wants to have sex. During foreplay, Ed notices John does not have an erection and withdraws, assuming John isn't attracted to him. John reassures Ed that he desires him completely, but anxiety is blocking his physical response. After cuddling quietly to calm John's nervous system, his body relaxes and he achieves an erection.

Arousal Nonconcordance and Memories of Sexual Abuse

Understanding arousal nonconcordance is absolutely critical for individuals navigating a history of sexual abuse or managing unexpected sexual trauma triggers.

Why Does the Body Get Aroused During Abuse?

During an assault, or when experiencing intrusive memories of past trauma, the human body may automatically lubricate or erect. This is an involuntary, biological survival reflex. The body reacts to physical touch or heightened nervous system arousal to protect itself from tissue damage. It does not mean the victim enjoyed, wanted, or consented to the abuse.

Overcoming the Cycle of Shame and Self-Blame

Because many survivors are unaware of how arousal nonconcordance works, experiencing a physical reaction during or after an assault causes immense confusion. Survivors frequently experience:

• Intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame.
• The mistaken belief that they "secretly wanted it" or that "something is wrong with them."
• Distressing flashbacks triggered during healthy, consensual intimacy (see my guide on Coping With Trauma: Managing Sexual Triggers).

If you experienced physical arousal during trauma, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not to blame. Your body simply did what it was biologically wired to do to protect itself.

How Trauma Healing and Roleplay Can Empower Survivors

Every survivor's healing journey looks completely different. While some people choose to accept their body's automatic responses and move forward, others actively use creative clinical strategies to reclaim their bodily autonomy.

One therapeutic approach involves consensual trauma-informed roleplay with a trusted, safe partner. During the original trauma, the survivor had zero control over their body or the outcome. In a structured, highly communicative roleplay setting, the survivor uses their imagination to dictate the rules, set firm boundaries, and experience a safe, completely different outcome. By rewriting the script, the roleplay acts as a powerful tool for emotional somatic healing.

Finding the Right Trauma-Informed Sex Therapist

The vast majority of general mental health professionals receive very little, if any, training in human sexuality, and many do not understand the mechanics of arousal nonconcordance.

If you want to safely process unwanted physical responses, heal from trauma, and rebuild a fulfilling intimate life, it is essential to work with a practitioner dually trained in both sex therapy and trauma resolution (learn more here: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, Certified Sex Therapist and Trauma Specialist with over 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples heal trauma and reclaim their intimacy in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City (10011) and online.

My practice integrates specialized modalities including EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, Hypnotherapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals and couples.

I offer a complementary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

Ready to reclaim your narrative?
To set up a private consultation at my NYC practice, contact me today:

• Phone: (917) 742-2624
• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

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Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

The term "pleasure mapping" was coined by Sex Educator Kenneth Play.  

Pleasure mapping can be done on your own if you want to discover for yourself what you like sexually or it can be done with a partner (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Pleasure Mapping For Sexual Self Discovery?

There are many individuals who have difficulty answering the question, "So, what do you like?" when they're with a sexual partner because they haven't taken the time to get to know what gives them sexual pleasure.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

Pleasure mapping is a way to discover what gets you sexually aroused without the pressure of doing this in front of a partner if you don't feel comfortable at this point and without the pressure of trying to have an orgasm (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

What's the Difference Between Sexual Arousal and Desire?

Sexual arousal is when your body feels turned on.  Sexual desire is when you feel mentally turned on.

People who experience spontaneous sexual desire tend to feel turned on mentally first.  They think about sex and they're turned on physically.

People who experience responsive sexual arousal often don't feel turned on at first by thinking about sex, but once they get going physically, they usually feel sexual desire mentally as well as physically.  

Pleasure mapping can be good for everyone, and it's especially good for people who tend to experience responsive desire to set the mood and get themselves physically turned on so they feel sexual desire.

A Simple Guide to Pleasure Mapping

• Set Aside at Least 30 Minutes of Uninterrupted Private Time: In order to explore your sexual turn-ons, you need time and privacy.  

• Set the Mood: Context is important so choose a place in you home where you'll be comfortable and you can relax. Set the atmosphere with your favorite soothing music--whether it's sultry jazz, rhythm and blues or whatever you like to put you in a sexy and seductive mood.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

• Collect Items That Will Aid You in Your Sexual Exploration: What feels sensuous to you? Maybe you like massage oil, your favorite moisturizer, a silky cloth, feathers, leather or whatever turns you on. You'll also want to have a hand mirror, notepad and pen, and possibly your favorite fruit (grapes, strawberries or whatever you like to eat) or something else that's pleasurable to eat.

• Dim the Lights or Light Candles: Sitting or lying down under dimmed lights or candlelight can help you to relax.

• Breathe to Relax: Square Breathing can be relaxing. You can also try this type of breathing: Inhale in the count of 4, hold for 4 and exhale slowly to the count of 8.  Do this several times until you feel tension melting away.

• Do a Body Scan: See my article: How to Do the Body Scan

• Mindfully Touch Yourself: Once you feel relaxed, close your eyes and place your hands on the crown of your head. Allow your hands to move very slowly down your body to sense where you feel pleasure. Go beyond exploring the erogenous zones that you're already familiar with and become aware of what feels good. You might discover certain areas of the body, aside from the ones you already know, that start to turn you on. If you prefer, you can use massage oil to slowly explore your body all over.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, remember you're doing this privately and no one needs to know. 

• Spend Time Touching Your Erogenous Zones: If you've discovered new erogenous zones that you were unaware of before, spend extra time touching those areas gently. Remember: This is a non-performative exercise, so you're not trying to have an orgasm. You're learning what it's like to discover sexual pleasure for yourself.

• Use Your Mirror to Explore Your Genitals: Explore your genitals and use your hand mirror to discover what you look like. Take your time to observe in a gentle and nonjudgmental way.  You're not masturbating at this point.  You're just looking. Do your genitals look different when you're sexually aroused and when you're not?  What else do you notice?

• Take Notes: After you have explored your body with touch, massage or how ever you explored your body, take notes:
• What felt good?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What type of touch did you prefer?
• What parts of your body turned you on?
• Did you discover new erogenous zones? What were they?
• What did you like about pleasure mapping?
• What didn't you like?
• What added to your sexual experience?
• What would you like to try again in the future?
• What new areas would you like to explore?

Pleasure Mapping Can Enhance Your Sexual Self Esteem

See my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With a Sexual Partner

The advantage of doing pleasure mapping on your own is that you discover for yourself what gives you pleasure. You're not relying on a partner, who might not know what you like, to get you turned on. 

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With Your Partner

Pleasure mapping on your own can be sexually empowering.  You have control over what you do, how you touch your body, what you're using to get yourself in the mood, the type of pressure you use with your touch, and so on.

Sharing what you've discovered about your sexual pleasure with a partner can provide both of you with pleasurable experiences. If you're with a romantic partner, it can also bring you closer together.

Keep an Erotic Journal

Keeping an erotic journal is a good way to help you build sexual self awareness and keep track of what is sexually pleasurable to you (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's not unusual for people to feel sexually blocked for a variety of reasons.

If you're having problems sexually, you can work with a skilled sex therapist who can help you to discover and overcome whatever blocks are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy sessions are for individual adults or couples (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a meaningful and pleasurable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: What Happens When Both Partners Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

I've been focusing on sexual arousal types in prior articles and the issues that come up when two people have different arousal types (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal).

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

See my articles about:

Spontaneous Sexual Arousal

Responsive Sexual Arousal

Reviewing Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal Types

There are two different types of arousal: spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal.  

There is a shorthand way of distinguishing the two arousal types: 

• Spontaneous Arousal: People with spontaneous arousal get mentally turned on at the drop of a hat by just thinking about sex and then get physically turned on immediately afterwards. 

• Responsive Arousal: People with responsive sexual arousal often need more time to get turned on. They usually need to start having sex to gradually get physically turned on and then they get mentally turned on after they are physically aroused.

Both arousal types are normal.  

Neither is better than or worse than the other.  They're just different.

What Happens When Two People Both Experience Responsive Sexual Arousal?

In the current article, I'm focusing on potential issues involved with people who both have the same arousal type: responsive arousal.

Although everyone is different, when two partners both experience spontaneous sexual arousal, it's often the case that all they need to do is think about sex and they're both ready to have sex.

However, when two people are both responsive sexual arousal types, they each might wait for the other person to initiate sex since neither of them is turned on by just thinking about sex. 

This usually means it takes more time for them to get started or they might not get started at all. Weeks, months or years can pass without sex.  This is especially true after the new relationship energy (NRE) period (when dopamine and oxytocin create sexual passion) subsides (see my previous article for a more in-depth description of the responsive arousal type).

Clinical Vignettes: A Relationship With Two People Who Have Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette which, as always is a composite of many cases, illustrates the challenges faced by a couple where both people have a responsive sexual arousal type. It also illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to revive their sex life.

Cara and Jane

Cara and Jane, who were both in their mid-30s, met at a Lesbian Pride party and they were instantly attracted to each other.  

Both Partners Experience Responsive Arousal

Sex was passionate and pleasurable for both of them at first during the first few months, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other.  They often had sex several times a day during weekends when they spent a lot of time together.

Six months into their relationship, they both noticed they were less interested in sex.  Whereas they were having sex almost every day when they first met, now they were hardly having sex at all.  They also both waited for the other one to initiate sex, which meant that neither of them initiated sex.

They were still in love with each other, but sex felt a lot less compelling than it did when they first met.  They were both concerned about this, but they didn't know what to do about it. 

By the time they were together for two years, they hadn't had sex in several months. So, Jane talked to Cara about opening up their relationship (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

But Cara feared that they might never get their sex life back if they got involved with other people, so she told Jane that she didn't want to open up their relationship.  She suggested that they attend sex therapy instead to get help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

They learned in sex therapy that the initial stage of most relationships is a time when people experience new relationship energy (NRE) where dopamine and oxytocin fuel erotic passion.  But after that initial stage, the erotic passion usually cools off somewhat.

While they were attending sex therapy, they also learned that they both experienced responsive sexual arousal and that rather than waiting to "get in the mood," if they wanted to revive their sex life together, they would need to intentionally start having sex in order to get in the mood.

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to practice together at home between sex therapy sessions. The assignments included Sensate Focus (sensuously touching each other without having oral or penetrative sex) as well solo sex (masturbation) practices to understand what got them each turned on as individuals.

Once they understood that they needed to get themselves in the mood by starting sexual activities in order to get in the mood for sex and by taking turns initiating, they resolved their problem.

Conclusion

Although the clinical vignette is about two lesbians, responsive sexual arousal can occur between any two people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type

The problem for most partners who both have responsive sexual arousal is neither of them are thinking about sex and each person waits for the other to initiate sex once the erotic energy involved with new relationship energy subsides.

Many people with the responsive sexual arousal type are too ashamed to talk to each other about sex--let alone seek help.  So, this often means that they might not have sex for months or years.  At that point, each person might assume that the relationship is doomed and they might end it.

One of the reasons why I write these articles is to provide sex education so people in these situations will know that there's nothing wrong with them.  They just need to learn how to interact sexually to revive their sex life (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you and your partner have lost the sexual spark you both experienced during the early stage of your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

A skilled sex therapist can help you to explore your sexual arousal type and assist you to change a sex script that's not working for you.

Getting help sooner rather than later is often the key to reviving a passionate sex life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.