How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?

Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?

Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women

Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

Communicate

• Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

Communicate

• Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 

Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax

• Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 

• Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.

• Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 

• Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 

• Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot

• Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.

• Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.

• Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.

Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare

• Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What You Need to Know About the G-spot

What is the G-spot?

The G-spot is part of women's larger clitoral network which means it's part of the clitoris. 

The G-spot is Part of the Larger Clitoral Network

The G-spot is known as the Grafenberg spot. It's located on the anterior wall of the vagina. 

How to Find the G-spot

It's best for a woman to start by relaxing and being willing to explore a little because the G-spot can be a little complicated to find.

If a woman is lying down, she or her partner can find the G-spot by inserting a finger an inch or so inside the vagina and touching the upper vaginal wall--the spot that is on the same side as the belly button.

How to Stimulate the G-spot

Dr. Beverly Whipple, an American sexologist, discovered that by making a "come here" motion with a finger inside the vagina on the upper wall, this can stimulate the G-spot.

Since the G-spot is part of the clitoral network, when you stimulate the G-spot, you're stimulating part of the clitoris.

Stimulating Her G-spot

Most people think the clitoris is only the pea size nub which is part of the vulva and visible to the eye. But the part of the clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of it. The clitoris actually extends inside the vagina and divides into two "roots" which can be four inches long inside.

The location of the G-spot varies somewhat from woman to woman, which is another reason why it can be difficult to find at first.

What is Squirting?

Stimulation of the G-spot can cause a woman to squirt, especially if her outer clitoris is being stimulated with cunninlingus (oral sex for women) or fingering of the outer part of the clitoris at the same time the G-spot is being stimulated.

Squirting,which is also known as female ejaculation, is a release of fluid during an orgasm. 

The fluid is a combination of urea, uric acid, creatinine and some urine released from the Skene's glands, which are at the lower end of the urethra.

Simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot can result in squirting.

Squirting varies from women to woman. Not all women squirt. Some women might squirt once in their life and never again. Others might squirt more frequently.

Some women are embarrassed when they squirt because it involves a gush of liquid and many women assume that the liquid is all urine.

Squirting has nothing to do with the quality of a woman's sexual pleasure or whether or not she had an orgasm.  A woman can experience a great deal of sexual pleasure, including an orgasm, but she might not squirt.

Squirting became a popular topic on social media because it's often depicted in pornography.  

Unfortunately, pornography is the main source of sexual information for many young people--even though, in reality, the way standard porn depicts sexual pleasure, especially women's sexual pleasure, is distorted, at best, and wrong at worst.

Ethical pornography, which is mostly made by women, has more realistic depictions of sexual pleasure compared to standard pornography.

Standard pornography is mostly made for the male perspective and mainly focused on male pleasure to the exclusion of realistic female pleasure (see my article: What is Ethical Pornography?).

Focus on Sexual Pleasure

As I've mentioned in prior articles, to enjoy sex it's best to focus on sexual pleasure rather than approaching it in a performative way (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Also see my article: How to Make Oral S£x Great For Her

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex?

Enjoyable sex is also safe sex (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

Usually, when people think about safe sex, they only think about protecting themselves and their partners from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections/diseases (STIs/STDs). But safe and enjoyable sex is about much more than just protection as I explain below (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

What Are the 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex?

• Communication: Of the 4c's, communication is one of the most important if not the most important. It doesn't matter if your sexual encounter involves a one-night stand, Friends With Benefits (FWB) or a long term partner (see my articles: Creating Your Yes, No, Maybe Sexual Menu):

• Before: Talk to your partner about consent, condoms, contraception and safe sex.  Also, set boundaries and talk about what you each expect with regard to what you both want to do and what is off limits for each of you (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

• During: Check in with your partner to make sure sex they feel comfortable and sex is enjoyable for them. Be prepared to stop if one of you isn't comfortable anymore.

• After: Talk to your partner about the experience--what worked, what didn't work and what could be changed next time.

• Consent: Consent means that both you and your partner are enthusiastic about the sex you're able to have. Even though you are both consenting, be aware that either of you can withdraw consent at any time if one of you feels uncomfortable (see my article: What Are the Rules of Consent?).

The 4C's of Safe and Enjoyable Sex

• Condoms: The only way to be at least 97-98% safe is using condoms.  You can include putting on the condom as part of foreplay.  This also means knowing how to use a condom properly by:

• Opening up the wrapper carefully
• Placing the condom on the head of an erect penis
• Pinching the air out of the tip of the condom
• Unrolling the condom all the way down the penis 
• Holding the condom at the base after sex and before pulling the penis out of your partner
• Removing the condom carefully and throwing it away in the trash

• Contraception: Aside from condoms, many people use an additional form of contraception, like the pill, an IUD or an injection. You and your partner should consult with your medical doctor to determine what type of contraception is best for each of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Most psychotherapists aren't trained in sex therapy. This is why you need to see a sex therapist if you're having sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article:  What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

In my last article, Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men, I discussed some of the reasons why heterosexual women often feel less sexual pleasure during hookups than men. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how these hookups can be safer and more sexually satisfying for women.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?

Let's face it: Regardless of how you feel about hookups, they're here to stay--for adolescents, college students and people in their 20s and beyond. 

So, for the purpose of this article, it's not a matter of stopping hookups or casual sex--it's more a matter of how to make hookups better for women who want to hookup.

Before going on, I want to clarify why I'm focusing on heterosexual women in particular. 

Based on sex research, compared to gay men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbians, heterosexual women have the least sexually satisfying sex, even in committed relationships, and even less satisfying during hookups and casual sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2).  

More about this in the second half of this article.

Can Hookups Be Safer For Heterosexual Women?

Let's start by focusing on personal safety.

Personal safety is an important issue for heterosexual women who are much more at risk during hookups.  

According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in the United States.  

This is an astounding number.  It means that 20% of women in the US are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.  

Considering that alcohol and drugs are often a part of hooking up, you can see where safety could be an issue when both people are impaired with regard to using good judgment and practicing consensual sex (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

    Tips For Safer Hookups

Although any hookup can be potentially unsafe, there are steps you can take as a woman to make them safer:

• Share Your Location With Trusted Friends: Before you meet with the person you're hooking up with, share your location so, in case of an emergency, people know where you are and how to find you. You can do this through your iPhone or using Google Maps.

• Keep Friends Informed: Share the first and last name of the person you're hooking up with and one of their social media accounts, like Instagram. Also, keep your friends posted with your whereabouts if you leave the place where you originally told them you would be.

• Practice Safer Sex and Carry Your Own Condoms: You can't always rely on your sex partner to have condoms, so bring your own to protect your health and theirs as well.  If your partner refuses to use a condom, don't engage in fellatio or have intercourse.

• Know Your Partner's Sexual Health Status: Even though it's good to use condoms, condoms aren't 100% safe when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and HIV. So, it's good for both you and your partner to get tested beforehand so you know each other's sexual health status.

• Be Aware of  Your Alcohol Consumption: Be mindful of how much you drink and what you drink. Never take a drink that wasn't given to you directly by the bartender, especially if you don't know your hookup partner well, because someone could easily slip a drug into your drunk that will impair you.

• Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night: Make sure you have friends who can walk you home from wherever you were hooking up with your partner, especially if it's late at night or you're in a remote area.  If your friends aren't available, have enough money or a credit card with you to take a taxi or car service home.

• Trust Your Instincts: If you get the feeling that something is off, don't hang around just to be polite. Trust your gut and leave without feeling guilty. This is about your personal safety.

Can Hookups Be More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

Now that I've discussed the safety precautions, let's focus on how hookups can be more sexually satisfying for women, which is so important considering the orgasm gap.

    Tips For More Sexually Satisfying Hookups

Since women often leave hookups without experiencing an orgasm or without even feeling sexual pleasure, here are some tips:

• Know What You Like Sexually: Whether you discover what you enjoy sexually from experiences you've had with other partners or from solo sex, get to know your body and what you like (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping and Keeping an Erotic Journal).

Know What You Like Sexually and Tell Your Partner

• Tell Your Partner What You Like: You can learn to get comfortable talking about sex with a partner by practicing. The more you're able to talk about what's pleasurable to you, the easier it can get.  Don't assume your partner knows or is even concerned about your sexual satisfaction, especially if you don't know each other well. You're entitled to sexual pleasure, so don't settle for less (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

• Take the Time to Get Sexually Aroused: Whether you experience spontaneous desire or, if you're like most women, you experience responsive desire, take the time to get aroused by kissing, touching, clitoral stimulation or doing whatever it is that gets you turned on (assuming your partner consents to it) before you engage in oral sex or intercourse. Don't allow your partner to rush you if you're not ready.

• Make Sure You Use Lube: Even if you're very turned on and already wet, adding lubrication can help reduce the amount of friction that can make penetrative sex unpleasant and even painful. Remember that oil-based lubricants break down latex condoms.

• Use Sexual Fantasies to Get Yourself Turned On: Sex starts in the brain, so if you want to get turned on, think about your sexual fantasies, including your peak erotic experiences.

• Feel Free to Use a Vibrator to Have an Orgasm: Depending upon whom you're with, your partner might have an orgasm before you do. Some partners can be more sexually generous than others, but if you're with someone who is mostly focused on their own orgasm, feel free to use a vibrator to have your orgasm. There are now so many varieties to choose from, including small bullet vibrators that are so convenient that you can carry one in your pocket.

Conclusion

Hookups aren't for everyone, but they're not going away any time soon.

Since heterosexual women are more at risk than men, it makes sense to take basic precautions to ensure personal safety.

In addition, since heterosexual women tend to have less satisfying sex than men, knowing what you like and being able to tell your partner can help you to have more satisfying sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a sexual problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and people in relationships seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy, there is no nudity, physical exam or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Finding Your Sexual Voice

This article will focus on what it means to find your sexual voice and discuss the steps you can take to develop this part of yourself (see my articles: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping).

This article is focused mostly on heterosexual women because they often have problems with their sexual voice.  But this article is also relevant for heterosexual men and LGBTQ folks.

Finding Your Sexual Voice

What Does It Mean to Develop Your Sexual Voice?

Finding your sexual voice includes:

• Being in touch with your sexual desires and sexual curiosity (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Many Women Sexually Turned On?

• Knowing what you want sexually (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self)

• Being able to communicate what you like sexually and what you might want to explore with your partner (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

What Are the Benefits to Developing Your Sexual Voice?

Developing your sexual voice to communicate your needs to a partner is usually an empowering experience if you're with the right person (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

Many heterosexual women have difficulty expressing their sexual desires because they've been conditioned to repress these sexual expression.  They might have been raised to believe that men should take the sexual initiative and women should be passive about sex.

In addition, based on sex research, most women experience responsive sexual desire, which means that they don't necessarily feel sexually turned on until they start having sex.  So, they're often unaware of what turns them on.  One possible way to overcome this problem is to look back on previous peak erotic experiences (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

According to Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator, about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire where they're mentally aware of desiring sex which gets them physically turned on.

Even for heterosexual women who are in touch with their sexual desires, expressing their desires can feel too emotionally risky for many of them. Shame and worry that they'll be labeled a "slut" is an issue or that male partner might feel threatened if they are sexually assertive.

So, instead of expressing their sexual desires, they focus on pleasing their partner and put their own sexual needs last.  This is often due to the fact that many women are raised to be "people pleasers" so they focus on pleasing other people, including their sexual partners, instead of focusing on their own needs.

This can be especially problematic during casual sex when a heterosexual woman's partner might also be focusing only on his own sexual needs.  Then, both the man and the woman unknowingly collude in making sex an unsatisfying experience for the woman (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Another issue is that many heterosexual women expect their partner to know what they want sexually without telling them, but their partner might be completely unaware of what they want.  Or their partner might assume that, in the absence of feedback from the woman, whatever they're doing is sexually satisfying when, in fact, it might not be.  

As a result, many of these women end up feeling sad, angry and resentful that their sexual needs aren't being met.  But this doesn't have to be the case as you'll see if you keep reading.

Why Is It Difficult to Find Your Sexual Voice?

Finding and using your sexual voice can be difficult, especially for women, in a society that emphasizes many false and unhelpful messages about sex, including:

• Sex only involves penis in vagina (PIV) for heterosexual couples

• Hard and fast sex is the only sex that is fun

• Sex should be performative and always ends in orgasm

• A cultural stigma that still exists against heterosexual women being sexually empowered

Let's explore each one of these issues:

    Sex Only Involves Penis in Vagina (PIV) For Heterosexual Couples:

Penis in Vagina (PIV) is also referred to as penetrative sex. 

Many individuals and couples have a limited definition of sex, which involves only PIV for heterosexual people. This is the message received in movies and TV programs.  In addition, sex education is generally so poor in the United States that many adolescents and adults never learn anything beyond PIV sex--if they even learn about that.

While there's nothing wrong with PIV, there are many more ways to have sexual pleasure and enjoy yourself, including kissing, erotic massage, oral sex and much more.  It's all a matter of using your imagination and being able to communicate what you want so you can expand your definition of sex.

In addition, some people don't like PIV.  For many people PIV becomes too goal oriented and adds too much pressure to sex.  In fact, many heterosexual women don't orgasm from PIV.  They prefer clitoral stimulation instead--either alone or in addition to PIV (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Script).

    Hard and Fast Sex is the Only Sex That is Fun

Once again, in addition to mostly showing PIV sex, TV programs and movies usually portray sex between two people as being hard and fast ending in simultaneous orgasm for both people.  But while hard and fast can be fun for some people at times, other people prefer slow, loving and sensuous.  They prefer to ease into sex with touching and kissing.  Or some people alternate, depending upon their mood, between with wanting hard and fast and wanting slow, loving and sensuous.  So, there's no one-size-fits all (see my article: 

In addition, hard and fast sex places a lot of pressure on a heterosexual couple.  For men, hard and sex becomes anxiety-ridden performative sex, which can create problems with erectile dysfunction.  For women, hard and fast sex isn't always sexually satisfying. They feel the pressure to appear as if they've had an orgasm.  This leads to many women faking orgasm, which is a problem in itself because their partners don't learn what these women need to feel sexually satisfied.

    Sex is Performative and Always Ends in Orgasm

There are many reasons for having sex aside from deriving sexual pleasure.  For instance, many people feel the most emotionally and intimately connected with their partner when they have sex.  

Assuming you want to have more emotionally and physically satisfying sex, it's a good idea to move away from the idea of sex as a performance, as I mentioned above (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

This also means that sex between you and your partner might not always end with an orgasm, but this doesn't mean that the experience wasn't pleasurable.  It's a matter of expanding your sexual repertoire to discover what is pleasurable for both of you.

    A Cultural Stigma That Still Exists Against Heterosexual Women Being Sexually Empowered

Unfortunately, there's still a cultural stigma in Western society against heterosexual women being sexually empowered.  In fact, women seem to lose either way--if they're sexually assertive, they're labeled as "whores" or "sluts" and if they're passive, they're labeled as being "frigid."  So, heterosexual women get mixed messages about being sexually empowered.

In addition, many women take their social cues about from social media where women are often objectified.  This results, in turn, in women objectifying themselves.  

Heterosexual women can't change this on their own. It's up to everyone to be aware of this stigma and create a culture that embraces all women's sexuality--whether they're heterosexual, lesbians, bisexual women or trans women.

How to Learn to Voice Your Sexual Curiosity and Desires

For many people talking about sex is fraught with problems--even when they're trying to communicate their sexual desires to a loving partner in a committed relationship. 

Finding Your Sexual Voice

People, especially women, are often overcome with shame when they try to talk about sex.  Often this is because they never learned how to talk about sex and/or they don't know what they like because they've never engaged in their own sexual self exploration.

Finding Your Sexual Voice

• Understanding Your Motivation For Sex: Your motivation for sex can vary at different times and with different people.  If you're feeling sexually turned on, you might just want to have fun.  In other words, sex doesn't have to be loving and tender--it can be lusty and exciting or it can be both--depending upon what you want.  Sex should never feel obligatory or forced on you.  

Letting Go of Goals

• Stop Approaching Sex in a Goal-Oriented Way: Sex between you and your partner isn't always going to end in simultaneous orgasms for both of you.  It's possible that neither of you will have an orgasm at times and, rather than being disappointed, consider the other pleasurable aspects of having sex. The pressure to achieve sexual goals is often a barrier to pleasurable sex. So, instead measuring sex based on a goal, focus on sexual pleasure for you and your partner.  In addition, become aware of your own and your partner's erotic blueprint so you can have more enjoyable sex.

• Become Aware and Attuned to Your Own Sensations: While it's important to be attuned to your partner, if you don't know what turns you on sexually, you need to take time on your own to focus on yourself.  This can mean different things to different people.  In my prior article I provide suggestions on how to discover what is sexually pleasurable for you. In addition, keeping an erotic journal can help you to become more aware and attuned.

Communicating With Your Partner

Once you're aware and attuned to your own sensations, what you like sexually, and what you're curious to explore, you can communicate with your partner.

Communicating With Your Partner

As I mentioned earlier, talking about sex can be difficult for many people.  

If you have difficulty talking about your sexual desires, you and your partner can practice talking about your sexual fantasies or, if that's too difficult, watch erotic films or porn to discover what you both might enjoy (see my article: Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many people have problems discovering their sexual voice due to a variety of unresolved issues, including sexual anxiety, a discrepancy in sexual desire between partners, a history of sexual abuse, painful sex, shame and guilt and a variety of other sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Instead of struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can overcome the obstacles keeping you from having pleasurable sex.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

   

    

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

The term "pleasure mapping" was coined by Sex Educator Kenneth Play.  

Pleasure mapping can be done on your own if you want to discover for yourself what you like sexually or it can be done with a partner (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery).

What is Pleasure Mapping For Sexual Self Discovery?

There are many individuals who have difficulty answering the question, "So, what do you like?" when they're with a sexual partner because they haven't taken the time to get to know what gives them sexual pleasure.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

Pleasure mapping is a way to discover what gets you sexually aroused without the pressure of doing this in front of a partner if you don't feel comfortable at this point and without the pressure of trying to have an orgasm (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

What's the Difference Between Sexual Arousal and Desire?

Sexual arousal is when your body feels turned on.  Sexual desire is when you feel mentally turned on.

People who experience spontaneous sexual desire tend to feel turned on mentally first.  They think about sex and they're turned on physically.

People who experience responsive sexual arousal often don't feel turned on at first by thinking about sex, but once they get going physically, they usually feel sexual desire mentally as well as physically.  

Pleasure mapping can be good for everyone, and it's especially good for people who tend to experience responsive desire to set the mood and get themselves physically turned on so they feel sexual desire.

A Simple Guide to Pleasure Mapping

• Set Aside at Least 30 Minutes of Uninterrupted Private Time: In order to explore your sexual turn-ons, you need time and privacy.  

• Set the Mood: Context is important so choose a place in you home where you'll be comfortable and you can relax. Set the atmosphere with your favorite soothing music--whether it's sultry jazz, rhythm and blues or whatever you like to put you in a sexy and seductive mood.

Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping

• Collect Items That Will Aid You in Your Sexual Exploration: What feels sensuous to you? Maybe you like massage oil, your favorite moisturizer, a silky cloth, feathers, leather or whatever turns you on. You'll also want to have a hand mirror, notepad and pen, and possibly your favorite fruit (grapes, strawberries or whatever you like to eat) or something else that's pleasurable to eat.

• Dim the Lights or Light Candles: Sitting or lying down under dimmed lights or candlelight can help you to relax.

• Breathe to Relax: Square Breathing can be relaxing. You can also try this type of breathing: Inhale in the count of 4, hold for 4 and exhale slowly to the count of 8.  Do this several times until you feel tension melting away.

• Do a Body Scan: See my article: How to Do the Body Scan

• Mindfully Touch Yourself: Once you feel relaxed, close your eyes and place your hands on the crown of your head. Allow your hands to move very slowly down your body to sense where you feel pleasure. Go beyond exploring the erogenous zones that you're already familiar with and become aware of what feels good. You might discover certain areas of the body, aside from the ones you already know, that start to turn you on. If you prefer, you can use massage oil to slowly explore your body all over.  If you start to feel uncomfortable, remember you're doing this privately and no one needs to know. 

• Spend Time Touching Your Erogenous Zones: If you've discovered new erogenous zones that you were unaware of before, spend extra time touching those areas gently. Remember: This is a non-performative exercise, so you're not trying to have an orgasm. You're learning what it's like to discover sexual pleasure for yourself.

• Use Your Mirror to Explore Your Genitals: Explore your genitals and use your hand mirror to discover what you look like. Take your time to observe in a gentle and nonjudgmental way.  You're not masturbating at this point.  You're just looking. Do your genitals look different when you're sexually aroused and when you're not?  What else do you notice?

• Take Notes: After you have explored your body with touch, massage or how ever you explored your body, take notes:
• What felt good?
• What felt uncomfortable?
• What type of touch did you prefer?
• What parts of your body turned you on?
• Did you discover new erogenous zones? What were they?
• What did you like about pleasure mapping?
• What didn't you like?
• What added to your sexual experience?
• What would you like to try again in the future?
• What new areas would you like to explore?

Pleasure Mapping Can Enhance Your Sexual Self Esteem

See my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With a Sexual Partner

The advantage of doing pleasure mapping on your own is that you discover for yourself what gives you pleasure. You're not relying on a partner, who might not know what you like, to get you turned on. 

Share Your Pleasure Mapping Experience With Your Partner

Pleasure mapping on your own can be sexually empowering.  You have control over what you do, how you touch your body, what you're using to get yourself in the mood, the type of pressure you use with your touch, and so on.

Sharing what you've discovered about your sexual pleasure with a partner can provide both of you with pleasurable experiences. If you're with a romantic partner, it can also bring you closer together.

Keep an Erotic Journal

Keeping an erotic journal is a good way to help you build sexual self awareness and keep track of what is sexually pleasurable to you (see my article: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's not unusual for people to feel sexually blocked for a variety of reasons.

If you're having problems sexually, you can work with a skilled sex therapist who can help you to discover and overcome whatever blocks are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.  There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy sessions are for individual adults or couples (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can have a meaningful and pleasurable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.