The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma

While it's important for everyone to be able to speak up when they are being touched inappropriately, it's mostly a problem for women which I'm addressing in this article.

Why Do Some Women Have Problems Speaking Up When They Are Touched Inappropriately?

There can be many individual reasons why women don't speak up, but the main reasons are fear retaliation, fear of escalation and social conditioning that prioritizes social conditioning being polite over taking care of oneself.

Speaking Up

In addition, internalized shame and guilt and the societal stigma that often blames the victim instead of holding the perpetrator accountable (e.g., "Look what she was wearing. What did she expect?").

Many women also fear that they will not be believed or they will be seen as overreacting. 

All of these issues create barriers to women speaking up when someone is touching them inappropriately.

In addition, many women experience an internal freeze response where they feel immobilized by the shock of what is happening to them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates these issues and how therapy can help:

Ina

When Ina was 20, she came home from college to visit her family during a holiday break.

Her parents invited family friends, Jack and Betty, over for dinner. This was a couple that Ina had known since she was a young child.

After dinner, while everyone else was in the kitchen, Ina was alone with Jack. She noticed Jack starring at her breasts. At first, she thought she imagining it--until he walked over to her and grabbed her breast.

Shocked and speechless, Ina stood frozen there after Jack walked away not knowing what to say or do.  She never would have imagined that Jack would ever touch her inappropriately.

After she got over the initial shock, she couldn't decide what to do when the everyone else came back into the dinning room. So, not knowing what to do, she did nothing, but she didn't feel good about it.

When she was a young child, her parents would leave her with a neighbor, Don, next door who was also a family friend.  Most of the time, Don played with her and told her stories, but sometimes he undressed her and touched her all over her body. 

During those times when Don touched her, Ina froze. When she got the courage to tell her mother about it, her mother didn't believe her. She told Ina that she must be imagining things (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse).

It wasn't until her parents heard from another neighbor that Don molested another child  their that they realized he was a child molester. So, they stopped allowing Don to babysit for them, but they never confronted Don or reported the incident to the police.

After the incident with Jack, when Ina went back to college, she felt so confused and angry about the incident that she sought counseling at the college counseling office. 

The counselor validated Ina's experience and recommended a trauma therapist off campus who had experience helping clients to work through trauma.

Using a combination of trauma therapies, EMDR and IFS, the trauma therapist helped Ina to work through the recent incident and the childhood incidents (see my article: Combining EMDR Therapy and IFS Parts Work Therapy).

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Ina felt empowered by it and she felt she could assert herself if it ever happened again (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You With Unresolved Trauma?).

Ina also had a talk with her parents about what happened with Jack as well as the childhood incidents with Don. Her parents expressed shock about Jack and remorse, regret for not believing her when she was a child as well as regret for not realizing that Jack was capable of sexual assault.

Over time, Ina and her parents gradually worked to repair their relationship.

Tips That Might Be Helpful:

Every situation will be different but, in general, the following tips might be helpful depending upon your particular situation:

• Establish Distance: If someone is touching you inappropriately, move away from the person immediately. If you are in a crowded place, like a subway, try to create a physical barrier with the other person by using a bag or another person. 

Speaking Up

• Speak Up in a Loud Tone: Silence often encourages harassers. Use a firm, loud voice to say things like, "Stop touching me!" or "Don't touch me!" This draws attention to the incident and can shame the person into stopping.

• Be Direct and Firm: Avoid being polite if you feel unsafe. Use clear commands like, "Remove your hand immediately!" or "I don't know you. Get away from me!"

• Seek Help From Others: If you are in a public place, alert others by saying, "This man is touching me without my permission." You can also ask for help from a specific person, like a subway conductor, police officer or, if you are outside, from a shopkeeper.

• Report the Incident: If the incident occurs at work, report the incident to the HR department. Document the time, date and details of what happened. There are also laws from the NYC Human Rights Department and City, State or Federal EEOC that are designed to protect you.

• Reconsider a Relationship If Your Partner Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries: Healthy relationships require respect for personal boundaries. If your partner doesn't respect your "no", it's a troubling sign and a reason to seek support or to end the relationship.

• Recognize That Prior Trauma Might Cause You to Freeze, So Get Help in Trauma Therapy: As in the example above, prior unresolved trauma can create a freeze response so don't be hard on yourself. Get help in trauma therapy so you can process unresolved trauma. 

Conclusion

Problems with speaking up when someone is touching them is mostly a problem for women due to the reasons mentioned above.

Worldwide approximately 30% of women are subjected to sexual assault and this number might under estimate the problem.

Men Are also Subject to Sexual Assault

According to the latest statistics, approximately 3% of men are subjected to sexual assaulted, so this is not exclusively a problem for women.

If you have been sexually assaulted, you are not alone. 

You can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

Get Help in Therapy

Being touched inappropriately in any situation is a violation of your personal boundary.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are struggling with issues related to being inappropriately touched in the past or in your current life, you can benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?

There are some basic rules about sexual consent that everyone should know and abide by.

What is Sexual Consent?

On the most basic level, sexual consent is the mutual, freely given agreement between people who are about to engage in sexual activities.

Understand and Abide By the Rules of Sexual Consent

A flagrant disregard for sexual consent is considered sexual assault or rape, so it's important to be knowledgeable and abide by sexual consent rules.

Unfortunately, there is a serious lack of sex education in US schools and in homes so many people, especially boys and men, don't understand sexual consent.  In addition, some girls and women are also confused about sexual consent.

    The Basic Rules of Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Underage: If someone is a minor, even if they say yes to engaging in sex, they cannot give legal consent to have sex. You must know the age of this person and be aware of the legal age to give consent in the state you are in because the law varies from state to state in the US.  

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Impaired By Alcohol or Drugs: Since alcohol and drugs impair a person's judgment and ability to communicate, including the ability to communicate about sexual consent, you must be cautious and aware of the other person's state. Although it can be tricky to gauge someone's state, if you have any doubt about whether a person has the ability to give consent and communicate it freely, don't have sex.  This includes everything from touching, kissing, up to and including sexual intercourse. It is your responsibility to assess the situation and behave accordingly or you might find yourself in bed with someone who doesn't remember giving consent the next day, which could mean legal problems for you.

A Person Who is Impaired Cannot Give Sexual Consent

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Have Diminished Capacity, Judgment or Ability to Communicate Freely Due to Mental Illness or Disability:  This is similar to alcohol and drug impairment. If someone doesn't have the ability to make decisions and communicate clearly on their own behalf or you are not sure whether they do or not, do not engage in sex with this person.

• A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Pressured, Threatened, Tricked or Manipulated: If you have threatened, manipulated, coerced or tricked someone into having sex, you don't have consent.  Consent must be freely given without threat, deception or manipulation.

• A Person Who is Being Sex Trafficked Cannot Give Consent: The Trafficking Victims Act of 2000 defines sex trafficking as any adult or minor under the age of 18 who is involved in a commercial sex act that was induced by force, fraud or coercion. According to the US Federal Government, sex trafficking is the modern day equivalent of human slavery. People who engage in commercial sex with underage youth are usually men, and they are sexual predators and child molesters. Sex trafficking is a felony offense. The worst states for sex trafficking (as of the writing of this article) are California, New York, Florida and Texas. They are the leading states for sex trafficking. Of all the states in the US, California is #1 and New York State is #4 for sex trafficking. There are serious legal consequences for sex trafficking on the state and Federal level.

• A Person Who is Unconscious Cannot Give Consent: Whether the person is unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or for some other reason, you don't have consent if the person is unconscious. If you have sex with an unconscious person, you are having non-consensual sex and you will be legally responsible for your actions.

• A Person Who Gave Consent in the Past Isn't Necessarily Giving Consent in the Present or in the Future: Don't assume that if you had sexual consent in the past that you have consent in the present or that you will have consent in the future. You must have consent each time.

Consent From the Past Does Not Mean Consent in the Present

• A Person Who is Not Sure If They Want to Have Sex Isn't Giving Consent: When someone says "No," that's clear. But don't assume that "Maybe" means"Yes." If someone isn't sure, you don't have consent so don't have sex.

Consent Can Be Withdrawn At Any Time

• A Person Can Withdraw Consent At Any Time: Even if you are in the middle of a sexual act, if a person says no or stop or signals in any way that they want you to stop, you must stop immediately, even if you don't like it, because you no longer have consent.

Why Do People Disregard the Rules of Sexual Consent?

A lack of understanding and sex education are part of the issue, but this does not account for the blatant disregard that many people show for sexual consent.

People who choose to blatantly disregard sexual consent are abusing their power in sexual situations.  Sexual assault and rape are not about sex--they are about abusing power over another person.

My Next Article:

This article covered the basic rules of sexual consent.

My next article will go beyond the basic rules to update the sexual consent rules: 

"No Means No" Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Resources For Sexual Assault and Rape Victims

If you have been the victim of a sexual assault or rape, the following national and New York City resources are available for sexual assault and rape victims:

    

    National Sexual Assault Hotline:    800-656-HOPE (4673)

    NYC Crime Victims Hotline:          866-689-HELP (4357)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

In my last article, Sex Research: Heterosexual Women Often Find Hookups Less Sexually Satisfying Than Men, I discussed some of the reasons why heterosexual women often feel less sexual pleasure during hookups than men. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how these hookups can be safer and more sexually satisfying for women.

Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?

Let's face it: Regardless of how you feel about hookups, they're here to stay--for adolescents, college students and people in their 20s and beyond. 

So, for the purpose of this article, it's not a matter of stopping hookups or casual sex--it's more a matter of how to make hookups better for women who want to hookup.

Before going on, I want to clarify why I'm focusing on heterosexual women in particular. 

Based on sex research, compared to gay men, bisexual men, bisexual women and lesbians, heterosexual women have the least sexually satisfying sex, even in committed relationships, and even less satisfying during hookups and casual sex (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 2).  

More about this in the second half of this article.

Can Hookups Be Safer For Heterosexual Women?

Let's start by focusing on personal safety.

Personal safety is an important issue for heterosexual women who are much more at risk during hookups.  

According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in the United States.  

This is an astounding number.  It means that 20% of women in the US are sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.  

Considering that alcohol and drugs are often a part of hooking up, you can see where safety could be an issue when both people are impaired with regard to using good judgment and practicing consensual sex (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

    Tips For Safer Hookups

Although any hookup can be potentially unsafe, there are steps you can take as a woman to make them safer:

• Share Your Location With Trusted Friends: Before you meet with the person you're hooking up with, share your location so, in case of an emergency, people know where you are and how to find you. You can do this through your iPhone or using Google Maps.

• Keep Friends Informed: Share the first and last name of the person you're hooking up with and one of their social media accounts, like Instagram. Also, keep your friends posted with your whereabouts if you leave the place where you originally told them you would be.

• Practice Safer Sex and Carry Your Own Condoms: You can't always rely on your sex partner to have condoms, so bring your own to protect your health and theirs as well.  If your partner refuses to use a condom, don't engage in fellatio or have intercourse.

• Know Your Partner's Sexual Health Status: Even though it's good to use condoms, condoms aren't 100% safe when it comes to sexually transmitted infections and HIV. So, it's good for both you and your partner to get tested beforehand so you know each other's sexual health status.

• Be Aware of  Your Alcohol Consumption: Be mindful of how much you drink and what you drink. Never take a drink that wasn't given to you directly by the bartender, especially if you don't know your hookup partner well, because someone could easily slip a drug into your drunk that will impair you.

• Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night: Make sure you have friends who can walk you home from wherever you were hooking up with your partner, especially if it's late at night or you're in a remote area.  If your friends aren't available, have enough money or a credit card with you to take a taxi or car service home.

• Trust Your Instincts: If you get the feeling that something is off, don't hang around just to be polite. Trust your gut and leave without feeling guilty. This is about your personal safety.

Can Hookups Be More Sexually Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?

Now that I've discussed the safety precautions, let's focus on how hookups can be more sexually satisfying for women, which is so important considering the orgasm gap.

    Tips For More Sexually Satisfying Hookups

Since women often leave hookups without experiencing an orgasm or without even feeling sexual pleasure, here are some tips:

• Know What You Like Sexually: Whether you discover what you enjoy sexually from experiences you've had with other partners or from solo sex, get to know your body and what you like (see my articles: Sexual Self Discovery With Pleasure Mapping and Keeping an Erotic Journal).

Know What You Like Sexually and Tell Your Partner

• Tell Your Partner What You Like: You can learn to get comfortable talking about sex with a partner by practicing. The more you're able to talk about what's pleasurable to you, the easier it can get.  Don't assume your partner knows or is even concerned about your sexual satisfaction, especially if you don't know each other well. You're entitled to sexual pleasure, so don't settle for less (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

• Take the Time to Get Sexually Aroused: Whether you experience spontaneous desire or, if you're like most women, you experience responsive desire, take the time to get aroused by kissing, touching, clitoral stimulation or doing whatever it is that gets you turned on (assuming your partner consents to it) before you engage in oral sex or intercourse. Don't allow your partner to rush you if you're not ready.

• Make Sure You Use Lube: Even if you're very turned on and already wet, adding lubrication can help reduce the amount of friction that can make penetrative sex unpleasant and even painful. Remember that oil-based lubricants break down latex condoms.

• Use Sexual Fantasies to Get Yourself Turned On: Sex starts in the brain, so if you want to get turned on, think about your sexual fantasies, including your peak erotic experiences.

• Feel Free to Use a Vibrator to Have an Orgasm: Depending upon whom you're with, your partner might have an orgasm before you do. Some partners can be more sexually generous than others, but if you're with someone who is mostly focused on their own orgasm, feel free to use a vibrator to have your orgasm. There are now so many varieties to choose from, including small bullet vibrators that are so convenient that you can carry one in your pocket.

Conclusion

Hookups aren't for everyone, but they're not going away any time soon.

Since heterosexual women are more at risk than men, it makes sense to take basic precautions to ensure personal safety.

In addition, since heterosexual women tend to have less satisfying sex than men, knowing what you like and being able to tell your partner can help you to have more satisfying sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a sexual problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and people in relationships seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy, there is no nudity, physical exam or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.