Relationships: Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

Becoming new parents can be joyous and wonderful, but it can also be challenging to your relationship which can make you feel guilty.

Navigating Changes in Your Relationship as New Parents

The Challenges of Being New Parents

Some of the challenges of being a new parents are fairly well known:

• Being sleep deprived especially during the first few months

• Feeling irritable due to sleep deprivation

• Experiencing poor concentration due to lack of sleep

• Experiencing increased stress and anxiety (see my article: Recognizing the Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress)

• Losing patience with your partner and yourself

• Feeling anxious about being a new parent (see my article: Self Help Tips For Dealing With Anxiety)

• Feeling like you are not a "good enough" parent

• Experiencing postpartum depression

Postpartum Depression

• Feeling jealous that your partner pays more attention to the baby than to you

• Feeling like you are neglecting yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?)

• Feeling like you and your partner are neglecting your needs as a couple

• Feeling the need to take a break from parenting

• Realizing you and your partner have different parenting styles

• Feeling like you have lost control of your life, your relationship and your household

• Not feeling like a sexual being (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Feeling less physically attractive

• Feeling less sexually attracted to your partner (see my article: What is Attraction?)

• Having less sex in your relationship (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Listening to seemingly endless advice and childrearing stories from relatives and friends

• Coping with visits from relatives and friends when you're exhausted (see my article: Coping With Difficult In-Laws).

• Re-experiencing traumatic memories from your own childhood

Awareness and Acceptance That Your Relationship Has Changed

Before you had the baby, the two of you probably had more time to do whatever you wanted to do or to just relax at home.

The two of you could focus on yourself as individuals and your relationship as a couple. 

Before you had the baby, you probably knew your lives would change and you both would need to adjust, but knowing it and actually experiencing the changes are two different things.

Now, in addition to being a couple, you're both parents and parenting will take up most of your time and energy. You don't have as much time to nurture your relationship as you did before the baby because the baby's needs are the priority. 

In the past, when two or three generations lived close by, new parents had more help, but things have changed in recent years and many new parents don't have close relatives who can help. So, all the responsibilities of taking care of a baby fall on the new parents, which adds to their stress and anxiety.

All of these factors and more can have a negative impact on your relationship as you both realize how much your life has changed.

How to Navigate the Change to Your Relationship as New Parents

• Cultivate awareness and acceptance that your life and your relationship have changed (see my article: Change, Awareness and Acceptance).

• Find ways to practice self care even if these practices are small (see my article: Finding Time for Self Care).

• Approach these new life changes as a team (see my article: Improving Your Relationship By Practicing Teamwork).

• Develop open communication about how you feel about your new role as a parent and feelings it might bring up about your relationship.

• Make time for each other, even in small ways. This can help you to maintain an emotional connection with each other.

• Share responsibilities for the baby and other household responsibilities fairly (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

• Reassess the need to shift responsibilities from time to time so neither of you feel resentful.

• Be patient with yourself and each other as you both navigate these changes.

• Get help from a licensed mental health professional if the changes have put a strain on your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Adding another commitment to your schedule might feel like the last thing you want to do with all your new responsibilities, but if your relationship is suffering due to all the new changes that parenthood brings, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist to salvage your relationship.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to adjust to the changes to your relationship so you can approach the changes as a team.

Rather than waiting until your relationship problems get worse, seek help early so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Are you and your partner considering couples therapy?

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

If you've never been in couples therapy, you might be wondering whether or not you need to talk to a couples therapist.  

You might also wonder what couples talk about in their sessions.

I've written this article as a way to normalize couples therapy in general and some of the most common topics that couples discuss.

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Here are some of the most common topics couples discuss in couples therapy:

Life Transitions and Stressors: Major life changes can add enormous stress to a couple's life. These transitions often include:

• Moving in together
• Marriage
• Starting a family
• Infertility stressors
• Parenting
• Purchasing a home
• Career changes
  
• Job loss
• Relocation to a different part of the city or country
• Financial infidelity
  
• Aging
• Medical issues
• Retirement
• Empty nest syndrome
  
• Taking care of elderly parents
• Separation and divorce and Co-parenting After Separation and Divorce
• And more

Communication

Identifying and working on unhealthy communication patterns and recognizing the particular negative cycle a couple goes through can save a relationship including:

• Identifying and working on triggers that lead to arguments and other misunderstandings

• Identifying ineffective strategies the couple has attempted to use

• Learning effective strategies to improve communication and create positive cycles

Trust

Trust is a major topic for many couples.

Establishing trust in the relationship is essential to a healthy relationship. 

What Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy: Trust

This includes:

• Creating an emotionally safe environment to explore emotional vulnerability

• Understanding the root cause of infidelity or other breaches of trust

• Rebuilding trust after infidelity

• Coping with doubt and suspicion

• Coping with jealousy

• Problems related to differences in level of commitment to the relationship

• Distinguishing current problems vs. problems related to past relationships or family of origin issues

• Setting clear boundaries both partners can agree on

Sexual Compatibility

No two people in a relationship think and feel exactly the same way, so it's not surprising that desire discrepancy (also known as mismatched libido) is the #1 topic that brings couples into sex therapy which is a particular type of individual or couples therapy.

    See my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?).

What Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy: Sex

Aside from desire discrepancy, the other most common issues discussed in sex therapy include:

• Differences in sexual responsiveness between spontaneous and responsive desire

• Sexless relationships where couples have sex only a few times a year or not at all

• Loss of sexual desire in one or both partners and loss of trust after infidelity

• Erectile unpredictability which includes loss of erection, premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation

• Sexual anxiety including performance anxiety, body image anxiety for both women and men, a history sexual abuse and other related issues

• Lack of sexual experience

    See my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Roles and Responsibilities

A frequent topic in couples therapy that I hear from clients is how roles and responsibilities are shared (or not shared) by the couple. 

These include imbalances in various areas:

• Household responsibilities
• Financial responsibilities
• Childrearing tasks
• Decision-making tasks
• Planning

A couples therapist can provide a safe environment for the couple to negotiate these issues without hostility (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load).

Family Dynamics

Family and culture often have a significant impact on a relationship, especially when the people in the relationship come from different familial and cultural perspectives. 

Talking about family and cultural dynamics in couples therapy allows the couple to discuss these issues in an environment where each partner feels safe so they can negotiate differences.

    

    See my articles: 

Dealing With Difficult In-Laws

Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship

Quality Time

A common problem for many couples is how much time they spend together including one partner wanting to spend more time than the other (see my article: Learning to Compromise About How Much Time You and Your Partner Spend Together).

A couple can explore their mutual interests and hobbies as well as areas each of them might want to explore on their own without their partner.

Future Plans and Goals

Creating relationship goals is an important aspect of being in a relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

What Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy: Future Plans and Goals

Couples therapy is an ideal place for couples to identify and negotiate individual and relationship goals.

These plans and goals can include:

• Identifying individual goals
• Identifying shared relationship goals
• Negotiating individual and shared goals that might be different
• Making a plan together to achieve these goals

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

I began a discussion about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset in a prior article (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset vs a Fixed Mindset?).

A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship

In the current article I'm focusing on how a growth mindset can improve your relationship.

What's the Difference Between a Fixed Mindset and a Growth Mindset in Relationships?

People who have a fixed mindset in their relationship believe that change isn't possible. 

They believe neither they nor their partner can develop new skills or abilities to improve their relationship.

Since they're prone to a fixed and pessimistic attitude, they often avoid risking change even if it's for the sake of improving their relationship. 

They're also prone to giving up more easily when confronted with the need for change. As a result, these relationships often stagnate.

In addition, people with a fixed mindset often do well during the early honeymoon phase of a relationship when things are going well, but when the going gets tough, they're more likely to give up or cheat (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

This is especially true for people who believe in the idea of "soulmates" where they think relationships are either "meant to be" or not (see my article: Why You'll Be Disappointed If You Look For a "Soulmate").

So, when things aren't going well in their relationship, they think the relationship wasn't "meant to be" and, instead of trying to resolve problems within the relationship, they look for emotional and sexual gratification outside the relationship.

People who have a growth mindset see problems as opportunities to develop and grow.  Since they believe in the possibility for growth, they're more likely to take emotional risks by being emotionally vulnerable to make positive changes. They're also more likely to persevere to overcome problems.

How Can a Growth Mindset Improve Your Relationship?

If you have a growth mindset, you're more likely to see your partner's and your own shortcomings as challenges to overcome.  

As a result, you can approach shortcomings in a more empathetic way because you believe you and your partner can improve.

A Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship

If you have a willingness to develop and grow, you can deepen your understanding and trust in your partner due to your belief that things can change for the better in your relationship.

A positive mindset can also help you to be more proactive in overcoming challenges. This allows you to approach problems in a more collaborative way with your partner because you see yourselves as a team.

With a growth mindset you can also experience more compassion for yourself and your partner during challenging times.

In addition, you can experience gratitude and appreciation for your partner, which can help you to get through difficult times together.

How Can a Sexual Growth Mindset Improve Your Sex Between You and Your Partner?

The #1 reason why people seek help in sex therapy is a sexual desire discrepancy in their relationship.

The #1 Sexual Problem in Relationships: Desire Discrepancy

It's not unusual for people in long term relationships to develop stagnant sex scripts where they no longer enjoy sex (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Familiarity often helps people to feel comfortable with each other on an emotional level, but it can also create stagnation in the bedroom. 

When stagnation sets in and the couple engages in the same sexual activities without any deviation, sex becomes routine and boring.

In addition, if one person wants more sex than the other or wants to engage in different sexual activities than their partner, as in the case with sexual desire discrepancy, the person who wants more sex often stops initiating because they fear getting rejected by their partner (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

Some partners are especially sensitive to sexual rejection and rejection becomes that much more painful if the couple is having less sex with few opportunities to repair this problem.

When both people have a sexual growth mindset, they're open to being more sexually adventurous by expanding their sexual repertoire. 

They're also less sensitive to sexual rejection because they know there will be other opportunities for sexual pleasure and novelty.

A Sexual Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Sex Life

Even when sexual problems arise, a couple who has a sexual growth mindset believe they can develop the necessary skills and abilities to overcome their problems.  

They're more likely to persevere in overcoming their relational and sexual problems--whether they do this on their own or with the help of a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

If you're having sexual problems, a sex therapist can help you to improve your sex life.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exams or sexual activity during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling with relational or sexual problems on your own, seek help from a skilled therapist with an expertise in your problem so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling life together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

In my prior article, Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Factors, I began a discussion based on a book by Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill PhD that I have been recommending to clients. It's called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Interpersonal Issues Can Create Sexual Shame and Guilt

One of the topics the authors discuss is sexual shame and guilt and how these personal, interpersonal and cultural factors contribute to shame and guilt.

In the current article, I'm focusing on interpersonal factors and in the next article I'll discuss personal factors.

As a recap from my prior article on cultural factors: The difference between sexual shame and guilt, according to the authors, is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Sexual shame and guilt can come up in a relationship for many reasons.  

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Growing Up in a Sex-Negative Family: Early experiences of growing up in a sex-negative environment usually carries over into adulthood if these experiences aren't addressed. For instance, if a child is repeatedly shamed and scolded by a parent for masturbating, that child can grow up believing sexual pleasure is wrong and "dirty" which can create sexual shame and guilt. This can also be complicated by religious or other cultural factors that were sex-negative as opposed to sex-positive (see my article: What Does Sex-Positive Mean?).

• Experiencing Childhood Trauma: If an individual was sexually abused as a child, they might get triggered during sex with their partner. Even if the abuse wasn't sexual, emotional or physical abuse often has lasting effects that can impact adult relationships (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

• Feeling Uncomfortable Talking About Sex With a Partner: This is a common problem--even for couples in long term relationships who are having sex but who feel too ashamed to talk it (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Engaging in "Duty Sex": Instead of sex being a way to connect in a mutually enjoyable, playful and intimate way, sex turns into a chore or obligation to avoid conflict and guilt. This problem is related to problems with talking about sex because the partner who is engaging in "duty sex" often doesn't know how to talk about it and the other partner, who might sense their partner is engaging in sex as a chore, also doesn't know how to address it.  Often neither partner feels good about "duty sex" because it's usually not pleasurable for either of them and it often creates more problems than it was meant to to avoid.  It's not unusual for one or both partners to find reasons to avoid having sex altogether so, eventually, they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually and/or Emotionally: Asking for emotional or sexual connection is a vulnerable act.  When a partner responds in an unsupportive way, this can create shame and guilt in the partner who is looking for support as well as the partner who can't or won't give it. This includes situations where a partner is turning towards the other partner for emotional or sexual connection but not getting it (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually or Emotionally

• Lacking Sexual Experience: If one or both partners is sexually inexperienced, they might feel ashamed about this and guilty that their partner might not be enjoying sex with them. This can be due to cultural, religious or the partner's values. There's nothing wrong with waiting for sex, if that's part of a person's values.  It becomes a problem if it creates sexual shame or guilt.

• Experiencing Body Image Problems: There are messages everywhere--magazines, social media, TV--about how men and woman should look.  This is especially true for women. Both men and women can experience problems with body image in terms of weight, height, breast size, penis size and so on. Problems with body image can engender shame  about one's own body (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

• Experiencing Libido Differences: Sexual desire discrepancy between partners is a common problem in relationships. Most couples don't have the same exact likes and dislikes in other areas of their life, so why should they experience sexual desire in the same way? It's only a problem when the couple can't reconcile these differences, which often causes sexual shame and guilt. Libido differences are the #1 reason why couples seek help in sex therapy (see my article: Mismatched Libidos in Relationships: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Experiencing Different Preference: Vanilla vs. Kinky Sex: If one partner only likes vanilla sex (meaning conventional sex) and the other partner only wants kinky sex, this can create sexual shame and guilt between the partners if it's not addressed. It can also lead to their becoming a no-sex couple. However, these preferences can be negotiated, and it's possible to reach a compromise if both partners can be flexible and find common ground (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?).

Sex Comes in Many Different Flavors: Vanilla and Kinky

• Having Misconceptions About Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire: According to Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, only about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, so the vast majority of women experience responsive desire. There are also men who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. However, many people aren't sexually informed about responsive and spontaneous desire due to a lack of sex education and a skewed portrayal of sexual desire in the media. These portrayals almost always show only spontaneous desire. In addition, in long term committed relationships, after the limerence phase of a relationship (also known as the honeymoon phase), many people, even individuals who experienced mostly spontaneous desire before, often experience responsive desire over time. Neither type of desire is better than the other. When partners have differences in the way they experience sexual desire, a willingness on the part of the responsive desire partner to begin having sex often results in enhancing sexual desire for that partner once they get started. This also requires the spontaneous desire partner to be patient and hold the "sexual charge" for both of them until the responsive desire partner gets aroused (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

• Experiencing an Orgasm Gap Between Partners: Problems with an orgasm gap tend to occur more often in heterosexual couples as opposed to LGBTQ couples. An orgasm gap occurs when one partner has a tendency to experience an orgasm during partnered sex and the other does not. This doesn't refer to occasional instances when one partner has an orgasm and the other doesn't. Instead, an orgasm gap refers to an ongoing problem. Problems with an orgasm gap usually affect heterosexual women. A common reason for this is that there isn't enough clitoral stimulation for the woman because the couple is relying only on sexual intercourse, which is not the best way for most women to have an orgasm. Another contributing factor to an orgasm gap occurs when a couple approaches sex solely in terms of goal-oriented sexual performance rather than sexual pleasure. In addition, couples who are stuck in a rigid sex script or who are stuck on a linear and rigid sexual staircase can also experience problems with an orgasm gap. In addition, sexual boredom can be an issue, especially in long term relationships. There can also be other reasons (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gencap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Experiencing an Orgasm Gap

• Experiencing Sexual Disorders: A sexual disorder can be frustrating for both people in a relationship. It often leads to one or both people wanting to avoid sex as a way to side step dealing with the problem. Many sexual disorders, including painful sex (dyspareunia, vaginismus, pain related to a sexually transmitted infection or other issues) and problems with erectile unpredictability (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation) can have physical and psychological causes. Ruling out a physical problem first is essential. If a physical problem has been ruled out or there appears to be a psychological component in addition to the physical problem, couples can be helped by a sex therapist. When there are physical and psychological problems, they are dealt with at the same time with the physical problem being handled by a urologist, sexual medicine professional or a pelvic floor physical therapist, and the psychological component being treated by a sex therapist.

• Dealing with a History of Cheating: Most people assume that partners cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship, but most of the time this isn't true. Cheating often occurs for complex reasons. Also, contrary to popular belief, most couples usually work out these issues, especially if they have been together for a while and they attend couples therapy. Of course, this is a personal choice and many couples are unable to work out issues related to cheating either because the partner who feels betrayed can't and/or won't do reconcile or because the partner who cheated won't give up a sexual affair (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Dealing with a History of Cheating

• Dealing with a History of Compulsive or Out of Control Sexual Behavior: When a partner has a history of compulsive or out of control sexual behavior, this usually presents a problem in the relationship. There are many misconceptions about sexual compulsivity in terms of how to define it, whether it's an addiction, and other similar issues. But if the couple is willing to work on it, it's possible to overcome problems with sexual compulsivity in sex therapy.  In addition, many people are misinformed about this issue. For example, a man who thinks he is sexually compulsive because he masturbates occasionally in the privacy of his home, might actually be contending with sexual shame and guilt if his masturbation doesn't get in the way of the rest of his life. Another example would be a wife who thinks her husband has a "sexual addiction" because he watches porn occasionally. She is most likely misinformed. This doesn't mean that the husband watching porn might not be going against their relationship agreement. But it's probably not an "addiction." Of course, every case is different and context matters. So, a case where someone watches porn occasionally at home in private is different from someone who watches porn occasionally at work where they have been warned that they could be fired for violating the company policy. If that person continues to watch porn at work, knowing they are being monitored and they are jeopardizing their job, they have a problem (see my article: What is Out of Control Sexual Behavior?).

• Disagreeing About Whether or Not to Open Up the Relationship: Many people, who are currently in monogamous relationships, would like to have an open relationship, but their partner doesn't want it.  Couples who have a conflict around this issue could benefit from sex therapy where this issue can be negotiated, if both people are willing. Other couples want to open up the relationship, but they don't know how. There are many forms of consensual nonmonogamy. A couple can work out an agreement that suits both of them or they can acknowledge they're not compatible and end the relationship amicably. Sex therapy can help with all of these issues (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

Disagreements About Opening Up a Relationship

• Experiencing Other Stressors in the Relationship: Chronic stress is usually a libido killer that can exacerbate already existing shame and guilt about sex. This can include:

• Health issues (in addition to the ones mentioned above)
• Lack of sleep
• Stress involved with child rearing
• Family problems
• Money problems
• Work-related stressors
• Other problems

Next Article: Overcoming Feels of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.