What is Erotic Empathy?

The term "erotic empathy" was coined by Canadian psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy, as she observed couples struggling to understand each other sexually (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Developing Erotic Empathy

What is Empathy?

Before delving into the meaning of erotic empathy, let's define the meaning of the word "empathy."

As psychotherapists in training learn early on, empathy is an essential part of working with clients in psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?).

Empathy has been defined in many ways and it includes a wide range of experiences. 

Emotion researchers define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions and to imagine what other people might be thinking and feeling.

Empathy is the first step in experiencing compassion.

Researchers believe that empathy has an important evolutionary history among mammals for cooperation and survival.

Researchers describe different types of empathy:

• Affective Empathy: The ability to experience sensations and feelings derived from other people's emotions

• Cognitive Empathy (also called Perspective Taking): The ability to identify and understand other people's emotions

What is Erotic Empathy?

Erotic empathy is the ability to communicate your emotional and sexual needs to your partner as well as the ability to understand their needs.  

Developing Erotic Empathy

Erotic empathy does not mean that you do things you don't want to do sexually or that you expect your partner to do things they don't want to do (see my article: What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?).

But when either of you suggests doing something the other doesn't want to do, erotic empathy means you don't criticize, show contempt or respond with disgust (see my article: How to Improve Your Communication By Avoiding the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

Why is Erotic Empathy Important in Your Relationship?

Good communication is essential to a healthy relationship.

It's often hard for people to talk about what they want sexually, so if you respond to your partner with criticism, contempt or disgust, you could shut your partner down and make it that much harder for them to talk to you about sex the next time (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Developing Erotic Empathy

Rejecting sexual suggestions without compassion is hurtful to your partner. Feeling rejected, your partner might withdraw emotionally and sexually from you (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

The outcome could be that you both get stuck in a rut following the same boring sex script indefinitely (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

And just like you probably wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day from now until forever, you would get tired of engaging in the same sexual acts all the time (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Clinical Vignette About Erotic Empathy

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed. It illustrates how a couple can learn to develop and use erotic empathy.

Bill and Lena

One day Lena came in the house after doing yard work. Her husband, Bill, gave her a hug and said, "The kids will be out for a few hours. Let's have sex."  

Inwardly, Lena groaned. She felt sweaty and dirty from doing yard work. Having sex while she felt this way was the last thing she wanted to do so she told him, "Forget it! How could you even suggest having sex while I'm such a mess."  

Then she saw the hurt look on his face, but she didn't know what to say, so she left the room to take a shower.  

While she was showering, she had time to think and she felt badly about rejecting Bill. She thought she should talk to him about it, but when she went back into the living room, she saw Bill was on his computer finishing up some work.  When he didn't look up when she walked into the room, she took that as a sign that he didn't want to talk and she went to the kitchen to start dinner.  

After a few more incidents like this, Bill stopped initiating sex and Lena felt too uncomfortable initiating.  As a result, months went by and neither of them felt comfortable initiating sex or even bringing up the topic.  

Then, one day, after feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Lena blurted out that they should attend sex therapy because their sex life had become nonexistent, and Bill agreed.

Their sex therapist helped them to understand their feelings and why it was so hard for them to talk about sex.  

She also helped them to develop erotic empathy for each other so that, instead of rejecting each other sexually, they learned to start by being open and getting curious.  

After they went over the incident with their sex therapist where Lena rejected Bill, they learned a different way to communicate with each other.

Lena said, "I realize how I responded to Bill was hurtful. The truth is I enjoy sex with Bill, but I just felt so dirty and smelly that I needed to take a shower.  I wish I would've told him, 'I would love to have sex with you. Let me take a shower first and then let's meet in the bedroom.'"  Then, turning to Bill, she said, "I'm sorry I rejected you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

As Bill turned towards Lena and put his arm around her, he said, "I wouldn't have minded if you were dirty and smelly. I think it might've even been a turn-on for me, but I understand you didn't feel comfortable, so I would've been happy to wait while you took a shower. I'm sorry I didn't understand how you were feeling."

As part of their sex therapy homework, Bill and Lena practiced developing erotic empathy with each other as part of improving their communication.

As part of expanding their sexual repertoire, over time, Lena and Bill learned to overcome their shame and discomfort with talking about sex so they could communicate more effectively with each other and expand their sexual repertoire (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase - Sexual Arousal).

At one point, their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe list to see what sexual activities they both would like to add to their sexual repertoire.  

The list had over 100 sexual activities with a scale of 0-5 with 0 indicating no interest, 5 indicating a strong interest and the rest of the scale being a spectrum indicating various degrees of interest or disinterest (see my article: Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List).

Each of them filled it out separately and then brought their filled out list to their next sex therapy session.  

Their sex therapist helped them to start by adding the sexual activities where they both had a strong interest (5 on the Yes, No, Maybe List).

There was a clear understanding that neither of them had to do anything they didn't want to do, but they had to communicate with erotic empathy.

As they included more items from the list as part of their sexual repertoire, they talked about it in their sex therapy sessions.  

There were times when they both enjoyed a sexual activity they explored. There were also other times when one of them enjoyed it and the other one thought they would enjoy it but, once they tried it, they didn't.  

Each time, they learned how to talk about what they liked and disliked with empathy for the other partner.  

After trying all the #5 items on the Yes, Maybe, No list, they talked about the other items from Level #4 and below.  

At times, it was challenging, but they maintained their sense of openness and curiosity and respected each other's decisions.

Throughout this process, their sex life became more satisfying for both of them.

How to Develop Erotic Empathy

• Develop a Sense of Openness: To start, learn to cultivate a sense of openness about understanding your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  Start by understanding your own erotic blueprint.  You can explore your own sexual pleasure through pleasure mapping.  This kind of openness can be difficult if you experience sexual shame and guilt for personal, interpersonal or cultural reasons. Choose your discussion time wisely. Don't try to have a talk about sex when you're tired, rushed or when you don't have privacy. Choose a time when you're both relaxed but not when you're about to have sex because that will cause too much pressure. So, for instance, you can both be sitting on the couch and enjoying each other's company when you bring the discussion.

• Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons: Along with a sense of openness, a sense of curiosity also helps you talk to your partner about what each of you would like. Instead of automatically rejecting your partner's sexual suggestions, ask your partner what s/he likes about a particular sexual activity. If you each understand what makes this sexual act appealing, you might be more willing to try it or, if not, you might come up with a compromise that you both might like and get just as turned on by it (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Brakes and Accelerators).

Developing Erotic Empathy

• Get to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-offs: Sexual turn-offs can change to turn-ons for some people after they give it a try.  But if not, you each need to respect the other's wishes. So, for instance, if you know you need a little time to decompress after coming home from a stressful day at work, let your partner know this. Be as specific as you can about what you need so your partner will understand. In the same vein, learn to appreciate your partner's needs. Be aware that stress can be a libido killer, so take steps to reduce stress.

• Learn to Experiment and Develop a Willingness to Try New Sexual Activities: As long as it's not a complete turn-off, try to learn to be sexually explorative for sexual activities you and your partner can try. Sometimes you might discover you don't like a particular activity, but at other times you might discover something else that's new to add to your sexual repertoire.

• Know That Discrepancies in Libido Are Normal: You wouldn't expect that you and your partner would always like the same food or the same hobbies, so why would you expect that you would both enjoy the same sexual activities in bed?  Discrepancies in libido are the #1 problem that people in relationships seek help with in sex therapy because one or both partners are unhappy with either the frequency, duration or type of sex they're having. But discrepancies in libido are normal, and you can learn to negotiate these differences with help from a sex therapist (see my article: What is a Sexual Libido Discrepancy in a Relationship?).

• Learn the Difference Between Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire: Both men and women can experience spontaneous sexual desire or responsive sexual desire. With spontaneous sexual desire, a person can think about sex and get turned on. With responsive sexual desire, a person might have to start having sex to get turned on, but they know from personal experience that once they start having sex, they will get sexually aroused. So, it's important to know how you and your partner each experience sexual desire. If you're the person who tends to experience responsive desire, rather than saying "no" when your partner wants to have sex because you're not immediately turned on, you can explore your own willingness to allow yourself to get sexually aroused after you begin having sex. And if you're the partner who experiences spontaneous desire, you can learn to be patient and allow your partner's sexual desire to build (see my article: For People Who Experience Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused).

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If you have tried to work on sexual problems on your own and you haven't been successful, you can seek help in sex therapy.  Most individual therapists and couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sexual problems, so you need to seek help specifically from a sex therapist for sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

In my prior two articles, I discussed sexual shame and guilt from an interpersonal perspective and from a cultural perspective.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

See my prior articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

In the current article, I'm looking at how personal issues can affect sexual guilt and shame.

There's a lot of overlap with personal, interpersonal and cultural issues.  

If you haven't read the prior two articles, I recommend that you read them first before reading this one because those articles have more detailed descriptions about many of the problems outlined below.

Sexual Shame and Guilt

As a recap from my prior articles: The difference between sexual shame and guilt is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Personal Issues Related to Sexual Shame and Guilt Include (but are not limited to):

• Problems with body image (feeling too fat, too thin, breast size too small, penis too small, etc.)
• Discomfortable with undressing in front of a partner
• Insecurity with being a sexual person
• Lacking sexual self esteem
  
• Chronic stress related to sex
• Sexual anxiety
  
• Depression before, during or after sex
• Negative self talk about sex
• Harsh self judgment about sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior
• Fear of having sex
• Lacking sexual self awareness
  
• Inability to identify what is sexually pleasurable to you
• Arousal or orgasmic difficulties (assuming sexual activities are unrelated to a sexually inattentive partner)
• Isolation
• Problematic or compulsive sexual behavior
  
• Substance misuse or abuse
• Severe discomfort with sexual topics
• Difficulty talking about sex with a partner, medical professional or sex therapist
• Avoiding sex
• Limited or no sexual experience as an adult
• Worrying about smells or taste related to sex even though you and/or your partner are clean
• Avoiding masturbation
• Feeling ashamed and guilty about masturbation
• Discomfort with your own sexual fantasies or repressing your fantasies
• Discomfort initiating sex with a partner
• Feeling guilty after having sex with a partner
• Engaging in "duty sex" with a partner out of a sense of obligation
• Approaching sex with a partner as if it is a "chore"
• Fear of expanding your sexual repertoire to try to new sexual activities
• Believing sexual pleasure is only for heterosexual men and not for heterosexual women
• Repressing LGBTQ sexual orientation or gender issues
• Inability to set boundaries with others because you don't know your own sexual boundaries
• Experiencing physical discomfort during sex
• Severe body tension during sex
• Pain during sexual intercourse, including dyspareunia, vaginismus, phimosis (uncircumcised man's foreskin gets stuck so it cannot be pulled back)
• Fear of telling a partner you're experiencing sexual pain (related to "duty sex")
• Erectile difficulties (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability)

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt

The following strategies may be helpful:

• Journal your thoughts about sex

• Get to know your body:

• Look at yourself in the mirror several times a week either without clothes or with minimal clothing, and pick one thing you like about yourself (no matter how insignificant it feels to you).

• If you're wearing clothes when you look at yourself, gradually wear less clothing over time to get comfortable with your naked body.

• Engage in solo pleasure/masturbation

• When negative thoughts about yourself as a sexual being arise, counter them with positive thoughts you genuinely feel

• Educate yourself about sex through reputable sex education podcasts like Sex and Psychology with Dr Justin Lehmiller

• Educate yourself about sex by reading books by sex therapists or sex educators, including Come As You Are By Dr Emily Nagoski

• Try to have conversations with your partner (if you're partnered) about sex (start small until you gain confidence)

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Overcoming sexual shame and guilt on your own can be daunting and you might need professional help from a sex therapist.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There are no physical exams, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article:What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can overcome your guilt and shame and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

In my prior article, Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Factors, I began a discussion based on a book by Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer A. Vencill PhD that I have been recommending to clients. It's called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Interpersonal Issues Can Create Sexual Shame and Guilt

One of the topics the authors discuss is sexual shame and guilt and how these personal, interpersonal and cultural factors contribute to shame and guilt.

In the current article, I'm focusing on interpersonal factors and in the next article I'll discuss personal factors.

As a recap from my prior article on cultural factors: The difference between sexual shame and guilt, according to the authors, is:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are as a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is a worry about being rejected for your sexual thoughts, feelings or behavior. 

Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Sexual shame and guilt can come up in a relationship for many reasons.  

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Growing Up in a Sex-Negative Family: Early experiences of growing up in a sex-negative environment usually carries over into adulthood if these experiences aren't addressed. For instance, if a child is repeatedly shamed and scolded by a parent for masturbating, that child can grow up believing sexual pleasure is wrong and "dirty" which can create sexual shame and guilt. This can also be complicated by religious or other cultural factors that were sex-negative as opposed to sex-positive (see my article: What Does Sex-Positive Mean?).

• Experiencing Childhood Trauma: If an individual was sexually abused as a child, they might get triggered during sex with their partner. Even if the abuse wasn't sexual, emotional or physical abuse often has lasting effects that can impact adult relationships (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

• Feeling Uncomfortable Talking About Sex With a Partner: This is a common problem--even for couples in long term relationships who are having sex but who feel too ashamed to talk it (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Engaging in "Duty Sex": Instead of sex being a way to connect in a mutually enjoyable, playful and intimate way, sex turns into a chore or obligation to avoid conflict and guilt. This problem is related to problems with talking about sex because the partner who is engaging in "duty sex" often doesn't know how to talk about it and the other partner, who might sense their partner is engaging in sex as a chore, also doesn't know how to address it.  Often neither partner feels good about "duty sex" because it's usually not pleasurable for either of them and it often creates more problems than it was meant to to avoid.  It's not unusual for one or both partners to find reasons to avoid having sex altogether so, eventually, they become a no-sex couple (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually and/or Emotionally: Asking for emotional or sexual connection is a vulnerable act.  When a partner responds in an unsupportive way, this can create shame and guilt in the partner who is looking for support as well as the partner who can't or won't give it. This includes situations where a partner is turning towards the other partner for emotional or sexual connection but not getting it (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Experiencing a Partner Turning Away Sexually or Emotionally

• Lacking Sexual Experience: If one or both partners is sexually inexperienced, they might feel ashamed about this and guilty that their partner might not be enjoying sex with them. This can be due to cultural, religious or the partner's values. There's nothing wrong with waiting for sex, if that's part of a person's values.  It becomes a problem if it creates sexual shame or guilt.

• Experiencing Body Image Problems: There are messages everywhere--magazines, social media, TV--about how men and woman should look.  This is especially true for women. Both men and women can experience problems with body image in terms of weight, height, breast size, penis size and so on. Problems with body image can engender shame  about one's own body (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?). 

• Experiencing Libido Differences: Sexual desire discrepancy between partners is a common problem in relationships. Most couples don't have the same exact likes and dislikes in other areas of their life, so why should they experience sexual desire in the same way? It's only a problem when the couple can't reconcile these differences, which often causes sexual shame and guilt. Libido differences are the #1 reason why couples seek help in sex therapy (see my article: Mismatched Libidos in Relationships: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?)

• Experiencing Different Preference: Vanilla vs. Kinky Sex: If one partner only likes vanilla sex (meaning conventional sex) and the other partner only wants kinky sex, this can create sexual shame and guilt between the partners if it's not addressed. It can also lead to their becoming a no-sex couple. However, these preferences can be negotiated, and it's possible to reach a compromise if both partners can be flexible and find common ground (see my article: What is Kinky Sex?).

Sex Comes in Many Different Flavors: Vanilla and Kinky

• Having Misconceptions About Spontaneous and Responsive Sexual Desire: According to Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are, only about 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, so the vast majority of women experience responsive desire. There are also men who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. However, many people aren't sexually informed about responsive and spontaneous desire due to a lack of sex education and a skewed portrayal of sexual desire in the media. These portrayals almost always show only spontaneous desire. In addition, in long term committed relationships, after the limerence phase of a relationship (also known as the honeymoon phase), many people, even individuals who experienced mostly spontaneous desire before, often experience responsive desire over time. Neither type of desire is better than the other. When partners have differences in the way they experience sexual desire, a willingness on the part of the responsive desire partner to begin having sex often results in enhancing sexual desire for that partner once they get started. This also requires the spontaneous desire partner to be patient and hold the "sexual charge" for both of them until the responsive desire partner gets aroused (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

• Experiencing an Orgasm Gap Between Partners: Problems with an orgasm gap tend to occur more often in heterosexual couples as opposed to LGBTQ couples. An orgasm gap occurs when one partner has a tendency to experience an orgasm during partnered sex and the other does not. This doesn't refer to occasional instances when one partner has an orgasm and the other doesn't. Instead, an orgasm gap refers to an ongoing problem. Problems with an orgasm gap usually affect heterosexual women. A common reason for this is that there isn't enough clitoral stimulation for the woman because the couple is relying only on sexual intercourse, which is not the best way for most women to have an orgasm. Another contributing factor to an orgasm gap occurs when a couple approaches sex solely in terms of goal-oriented sexual performance rather than sexual pleasure. In addition, couples who are stuck in a rigid sex script or who are stuck on a linear and rigid sexual staircase can also experience problems with an orgasm gap. In addition, sexual boredom can be an issue, especially in long term relationships. There can also be other reasons (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gencap Between Heterosexual Men and Women - Part 1 and Part 2).

Experiencing an Orgasm Gap

• Experiencing Sexual Disorders: A sexual disorder can be frustrating for both people in a relationship. It often leads to one or both people wanting to avoid sex as a way to side step dealing with the problem. Many sexual disorders, including painful sex (dyspareunia, vaginismus, pain related to a sexually transmitted infection or other issues) and problems with erectile unpredictability (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation) can have physical and psychological causes. Ruling out a physical problem first is essential. If a physical problem has been ruled out or there appears to be a psychological component in addition to the physical problem, couples can be helped by a sex therapist. When there are physical and psychological problems, they are dealt with at the same time with the physical problem being handled by a urologist, sexual medicine professional or a pelvic floor physical therapist, and the psychological component being treated by a sex therapist.

• Dealing with a History of Cheating: Most people assume that partners cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship, but most of the time this isn't true. Cheating often occurs for complex reasons. Also, contrary to popular belief, most couples usually work out these issues, especially if they have been together for a while and they attend couples therapy. Of course, this is a personal choice and many couples are unable to work out issues related to cheating either because the partner who feels betrayed can't and/or won't do reconcile or because the partner who cheated won't give up a sexual affair (see my article: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?).

Dealing with a History of Cheating

• Dealing with a History of Compulsive or Out of Control Sexual Behavior: When a partner has a history of compulsive or out of control sexual behavior, this usually presents a problem in the relationship. There are many misconceptions about sexual compulsivity in terms of how to define it, whether it's an addiction, and other similar issues. But if the couple is willing to work on it, it's possible to overcome problems with sexual compulsivity in sex therapy.  In addition, many people are misinformed about this issue. For example, a man who thinks he is sexually compulsive because he masturbates occasionally in the privacy of his home, might actually be contending with sexual shame and guilt if his masturbation doesn't get in the way of the rest of his life. Another example would be a wife who thinks her husband has a "sexual addiction" because he watches porn occasionally. She is most likely misinformed. This doesn't mean that the husband watching porn might not be going against their relationship agreement. But it's probably not an "addiction." Of course, every case is different and context matters. So, a case where someone watches porn occasionally at home in private is different from someone who watches porn occasionally at work where they have been warned that they could be fired for violating the company policy. If that person continues to watch porn at work, knowing they are being monitored and they are jeopardizing their job, they have a problem (see my article: What is Out of Control Sexual Behavior?).

• Disagreeing About Whether or Not to Open Up the Relationship: Many people, who are currently in monogamous relationships, would like to have an open relationship, but their partner doesn't want it.  Couples who have a conflict around this issue could benefit from sex therapy where this issue can be negotiated, if both people are willing. Other couples want to open up the relationship, but they don't know how. There are many forms of consensual nonmonogamy. A couple can work out an agreement that suits both of them or they can acknowledge they're not compatible and end the relationship amicably. Sex therapy can help with all of these issues (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?).

Disagreements About Opening Up a Relationship

• Experiencing Other Stressors in the Relationship: Chronic stress is usually a libido killer that can exacerbate already existing shame and guilt about sex. This can include:

• Health issues (in addition to the ones mentioned above)
• Lack of sleep
• Stress involved with child rearing
• Family problems
• Money problems
• Work-related stressors
• Other problems

Next Article: Overcoming Feels of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical touch during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues

Sexual shame and guilt affect many people. So, if you're experiencing shame and guilt about sex, you're not alone (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Shame and Guilt).

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

Often there are personal, interpersonal and cultural roots to sexual shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

In their book, Desire - An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, authors Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD and Jennifer Vancill, PhD, discuss sexual shame and guilt with regard to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

The authors discuss how disruptive shame and guilt can be to an individual's or a couple's sex life.

Sexual shame often causes people to feel that a part of them is wrong, bad or unacceptable in others' eyes, according to the authors.

They also make a distinction between sexual shame and guilt:

• Sexual shame is a worry about being rejected for an aspect of who you are--namely, a sexual being. 

• Sexual guilt is the worry about being rejected due to your sexual thoughts, feelings or behaviors. 

So, whereas shame is related to who you are (your character), guilt is related to what you have done or not done (your behavior).

By breaking down sexual shame and guilt according to cultural, interpersonal and personal factors, the authors help readers to see how powerfully disruptive these factors can be for individuals and couples.

The Cultural Roots of Sexual Shame and Guilt

In this article, I'm focusing on cultural factors and I'll discuss personal and interpersonal factors in upcoming articles.

Many cultures, including certain religions, intentionally or unintentionally instill a sense of shame and guilt about sexual matters.

People who grew up in a culture where it was considered taboo to have sex before marriage often find it difficult to "flip a switch" to feel positive about sex after they're married. 

The taboo about sex doesn't necessarily go away after they're married, especially if the taboo is deeply ingrained.  As a result, it can interfere with sexual pleasure for individuals and couples.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt 

Another taboo often found in certain cultures is that sex is only acceptable in monogamous, heterosexual relationships, which can cause guilt and shame if someone is part of the LGBTQ community, non-binary, consensually nonmonogamous, sexually questioning, sexually fluid or non-heteronormative.

Over time, I have worked with many psychotherapy clients who struggled with sexual guilt and shame due to cultural factors.

Logically they knew there was nothing to be ashamed or guilty about but, on an emotional level, they still carried these sex-negative emotions inside them because they were deeply internalized due to their culture.

Cultural factors also include the pervasive destructive messages women get about their body image. Women are often told explicitly and implicitly on social media, in magazines, on TV and by loved ones that they need to be thinner or taller or look some other way.  

All of these messages serve to convey to women, "You're not good enough," which can make it difficult for women to feel good about their bodies, especially during sex when they are most vulnerable.

Also see my article about how modern day slut-shaming affects women: Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment).

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with no identifying information, illustrates how cultural factors can engender feelings of sexual shame and guilt:

Sara and John

Sara and John began dating after they met at a party in their third year of college.

John grew up in a family that attended church, but they were culturally liberal.  Due to their sex-positive beliefs, they spoke to John about sex in a positive and age-appropriate way.  

In addition, they raised John to believe that his sexual feelings were a natural part of himself.

Sara grew up in a conservative religious family.  Her parents almost never discussed sex, and the only "sex education" she received from them was about the dangers of having sex in terms of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.  

Her parents believed sex before marriage was a sin due to their religious beliefs. They also believed that, even after marriage, sexual pleasure was for men only, and women should only engage in sex as part of their "wifely duty" or marital obligation.

Whereas John had prior sexual experiences before going out with Sara, Sara had no sexual experience before she met John. He was her first sexual partner.  

Even though she enjoyed sex with John, and logically, she didn't practice her childhood religion anymore or believe sex before marriage was a sin, she struggled emotionally after she and John had sex.  She enjoyed sex in the moment with John, but afterwards she felt the weight of guilt and shame bear down on her.

Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt

She shared her mixed reactions about sex with John, who was very understanding and patient.

They both believed that Sara's shame and guilt would disappear after they were married because she would no longer be going against the childhood religious prohibitions she grew up with.

But five years into their marriage, Sara couldn't shake these feelings.  She couldn't understand how her logical mind and her emotional mind reacted so differently to sex.

Although John was understanding, he was concerned that Sara might never overcome her shame and guilt if they didn't get help, so he suggested they attend sex therapy to work on their sexual problems.

They learned in sex therapy that these problems are relational problems--not just Sara's problem and, over time, they began to overcome these problems together with the help of their sex therapist.

Conclusion

Feelings of sexual shame and guilt are common. 

Personal, interpersonal or cultural factors are often the root cause.

These problems are often difficult to overcome on your own, so working with a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist is usually helpful.

This article focused on cultural issues.  The next articles will focus on interpersonal and personal issues related to sexual shame and guilt.

Next Articles: 

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Interpersonal Issues

Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Related to Personal Issues

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no sex, nudity or physical exams during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.