Relationships: How You Feel About Yourself Can Affect Whether of Not You're Attracted to Your Partner

In my prior article, Relationships: What is Attraction?, I discussed the conscious and unconscious aspects of attraction as it relates to relationships.

In the current article, I'm focusing on how a partner's intolerable feelings of inadequacy can result in the unconscious projection of negative feelings onto the other partner (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Partner?).

Projections often don't occur until after the early stage of a relationship when the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and the partner, who uses projection, feels more emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Romantic Attractions: What Are the 3 Stages of Limerence?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how an inability to tolerate negative feelings about oneself can lead to the use of projection:

Jack and Carla:

When Jack and Carla first met in college, they were immediately drawn to one another physically, romantically, emotionally and sexually, and they each felt they had never experienced so much love for anyone else.

Projection and Loss of Sexual Attraction in Relationships

They got married a year later with both of them still feeling so in love and lucky to have found each other.  But their problems began a few months after they got married and moved in together.

Although they had a great sex life before they got married, after they got married Jack gradually lost interest in sex and Carla yearned for their former passionate sex life (see my article: What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships?).

After six months of no sex, Jack blamed Carla for his lack of sexual desire.  He told her that he no longer felt attracted to her because she wore sweatpants in their apartment, and he thought this made her look unattractive.

At first, Carla thought Jack was joking, but she quickly realized he was serious and she was in a state of disbelief.

She knew she didn't look different from how she looked before they got married, but she acquiesced to his wishes and stopped wearing sweatpants. Instead, she made sure she was dressed in a nice top and slacks when she was at home and she wore sexy lingerie at night to be more attractive to him.  

But Jack told her that he still didn't feel attracted to her and he blamed the cellulite on the back of her legs for making her look unattractive.  

Carla felt deeply hurt. She told him that he had never complained about the cellulite before, but Jack brushed off her comment by saying, "I can't help it. That's how I feel."

After a year of no sex, Carla suggested they see a sex therapist to work out their problems.  Initially Jack didn't want to attend sex therapy, but he eventually agreed to go.  He hoped the sex therapist would see things his way. 

After the initial consultation where she met with Carla and Jack together, the sex therapist met with each of them separately to get their individual family, relationship and sexual histories.

Carla's family history revealed that she came from an intact stable family. She was the middle child of three children.  Her parents had a loving relationship, and Carla felt loved by her parents and siblings. The only notable trauma in the family was when Carla's father's business failed and the family suffered from a financial downturn for several months until the father took a job as a chief financial officer in a large corporation.  

Prior to her relationship with Jack, Carla had one other serious relationship while she was in college with her classmate, Bill.  They were together for two years and they mutually agreed to end their relationship in an amicable manner.

With regard to Carla's sexual history, she had a few casual sexual encounters while she was in college and she had no history of sexual trauma.

Jack's family history was tumultuous. He was an only child, and his parents had separated and gotten back together several times during Jack's childhood due to the father's infidelity.  Both parents were highly critical of Jack and he grew up with a lot of shame. In addition, their financial situation tended to be precarious.  

With regard to his relationships prior to Carla, Jack had been in two short term relationships which started out sexually passionate and fizzled out after a few months.  He told the therapist that he tended to get bored with his girlfriends and lose interest.

During his last year of high school and until he began seeing Carla in college, Jack had many brief casual sexual encounters.  He denied any sexual trauma.

During their sex therapy sessions, Jack spoke about how his attraction for Carla waned soon after they got married.  He believed that if it was possible for her to have a medical procedure to remove the cellulite, he would feel attracted to her again.

Objectively, the sex therapist could see that both Jack and Carla were attractive people and she didn't believe cellulite had anything to do with Jack's lack of sexual interest in Carla.  

The sex therapist suspected that Jack was unconsciously projecting his own feelings of low self worth, which originated in childhood, onto Carla. She was also aware that Jack had no awareness of this because he was doing it unconsciously.

As they discussed sexual attraction, the therapist provided Jack and Carla with psychoeducation about the different types of attraction.

She also had individual sessions with Jack and Carla.  During the individual sessions with Jack, she broached the topic of projection as a defense mechanism.  But Jack was adamant that projection had nothing to do with how he felt toward Carla.

During the next several months Jack threatened to stop attending sex therapy whenever the therapist tried to help him to make a connection between how he was treated as a child and how he was treating Carla.  He refused to see the connection.

Gradually, after a couple of years, Jack developed a more trusting therapeutic relationship with the sex therapist so he could open up more to explore his inner world of longstanding disavowed shame.  

Over time, he was able to look at Carla more objectively and see that she was actually a very attractive and desirable woman and that he was, in fact, projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla.  

That's when Jack sought help in individual therapy to work on his unresolved trauma and shame. Over time, he learned to contain and work through his feelings without projecting them onto Carla. 

Carla remained patient, and she also sought help in her own individual therapy to deal with Jack's hurtful criticism about her body.  At one point, she talked to her individual therapist about the possibility of ending the marriage, but when she saw Jack making progress, she decided to stay.

Once Jack acknowledged he was projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto Carla, this allowed the sex therapist to focus on helping the couple to revive their sex life.

Sex Therapy Can Help Couples to Revive Their Sex Life Together

Their sex therapist gave them homework assignments to help them develop greater emotional land sexual intimacy.  

Conclusion

Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that people who have unresolved childhood trauma often use with their partners.  

The fact that it is unconscious makes it difficult for people to see and acknowledge what they're doing. 

In addition, they often have difficulty trusting the therapist when she points out how they use projection with their partner.

Projection is used as a way of pushing unwanted and disavowed trauma-related feelings onto a partner.

When projections are used, they are often used after the initial limerence phase of the relationship when the couple's emotional and sexual intimacy increases and the partner, who uses projection, feels too emotionally vulnerable in the relationship.

Since vulnerability is essential to developing greater emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship, the partner who uses projection needs to be willing to develop self awareness, stop using projection, and find other ways to cope and overcome disavowed feelings in order for the relationship to improve (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Couples stop having sex for varied and complex reasons.

Sex therapy, which is a form of talk therapy, can help (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

If you have unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from getting help in sex therapy to have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is Attraction?

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships whether they are romantic, platonic or collegial.

What is Attraction?

When you understand why you're attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding into how you form connections and develop relationships.

What is Attraction?

There are conscious and unconscious aspects to attractions.

Usually people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction.  But that's only one aspect of attraction and, although it's important, it's a superficial aspect.

What is Attraction?

Attraction is complex, so there is no one-size-fits all definition for attraction.  

Attraction can vary over time. In other words, certain experiences can influence your attractions.

For instance, you might meet someone and feel attracted to them, but that initial feeling of attraction can disappear quickly after you speak to them and you see them in a negative light based on your conversation. 

What is Attraction?

Similarly, you might meet someone and you're not attracted to them initially, but once. you get to know them, you might feel drawn to them. Maybe you discover personality traits, common interests or other things that make you feel attracted to them.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

As previously mentioned, attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors. 

There are many different types of attractions, including but not limited to:

• Physical Attraction: A desire for physical connection but not necessarily sexual or romantic connection

• Sexual Attraction: A desire for intimate, sexual contact but not necessarily any other type of attraction

• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional contact but not necessarily sexual or physical contact

• Romantic Attraction: A desire that can include physical, emotional or sexual attraction

• Aesthetic Attraction: An admiration for someone's appearance without necessarily feeling any other type of attraction to that person

How Do Your Feelings About Yourself Contribute to Your Attractions in an Unconscious Way?

The use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life.

An example of unconsciously projecting your feelings about yourself onto someone else is when you don't feel good about yourself and you project your feelings about yourself onto someone else (see my article: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?).

Projecting Unconscious Feelings About Yourself onto Your Partner

Using projection as a defense mechanism is common in relationships of all types, especially in long term committed relationships.  

This usually occurs when someone finds their own feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to contain so they project these feelings onto their partner.

When this occurs, someone might mistakenly assume that they're no longer attracted to their partner when, in reality, it's about their own intolerable feelings him or herself.

Why is it Important For You to Understand How You Experience Attractions?

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an important part of developing self awareness about how you develop and maintain healthy relationships, including long term relationships (see my article: Relationships Skills: How to Develop Self Awareness).

In addition, if you know your attractions tend to lead to unhealthy relationships, you can develop better self awareness to help you to set healthier boundaries (see my article: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?).

In addition, as previously mentioned, when projection is used as an unconscious defense mechanism to project negative feelings onto a partner, understanding this dynamic is often key to saving an otherwise good relationship.

See My Next Article

Relationships: How Projecting One's Feelings of Inadequacy onto a Partner Can Result in Lack of Attraction.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in the way of your leading a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Fear and Shame Can Lead to Emotional Avoidance in Therapy

When clients come to see me for an initial consultation in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, I usually suggest that they give me a general idea of their presenting problem during that first session rather than getting into a lot of detail.  

One important reason for that is that most people feel emotionally vulnerable during the consultation, and it can feel too exposing to them to get into a lot of details about their problems.  

During that initial consultation, it's important for the client to see if she feels comfortable enough with me before she spends time revealing the depths of her problems, which could be shame inducing and anxiety provoking in the first session.

How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy

If a client feels comfortable enough with me to come to subsequent therapy sessions, he can reveal more about himself.  For someone who feels ashamed of his problems, he can gradually reveal the areas of his life that might be causing him to feel ashamed.

As the client and I develop a more trusting therapeutic alliance, the problems that are creating shame for him usually emerge.  By then, the client has a sense that I've heard a lot as a psychotherapist of 20+ years and that it's unlikely he will bring up something that I haven't already heard about and helped other clients to overcome.

As the therapeutic alliance gets stronger and trust increases, a client usually feels more comfortable allowing himself to be more emotionally vulnerable with me.

But there are some clients who avoid talking to their psychotherapist about issues that they feel ashamed about even after they've been in therapy for a while and trust their therapist about most other issues.

Some of these clients unconsciously project their own negative feelings about themselves onto their therapist.  

So, for instance, a client might blame himself and consider himself to be "a bad person" because he was sexually abused by a relative when he was a child (or for some other problem). 

Rather than recognizing that he is the one who thinks he is "bad," he projects these disowned feelings about himself onto the therapist and tells himself that the therapist is the one who would think he was a "bad person" if he divulged the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse).

It's unfortunate that there are clients who can go through an entire course of psychotherapy and never reveal certain things that cause them to feel ashamed.  

In these cases, I'm not talking about things that  clients don't remember, which they can't bring up because they aren't consciously aware of these issues.  I'm referring to unresolved problems that they do remember.  

These clients make an ambivalent decision not to talk to their therapist about these issues.  As a result, the therapy remains incomplete and the client doesn't get the help that he needs for this area of his life.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy 
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how fear and shame can be a hindrance with regard to addressing certain topics in therapy, and how a psychotherapist can address these issues in therapy:

Becky
Becky, a woman in her early 30s, began therapy to deal with anxiety that was affecting her in her personal life as well as in her career.

Prior to starting psychotherapy, Becky talked to her primary care doctor about getting a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.  Her doctor advised her to seek help in psychotherapy because he was concerned that, even though the medication would work to alleviate the medication, Becky would be reliant on the medication rather than learning coping strategies to alleviate the anxiety.  He also advised her that the medication could have side effects for her. So, instead of prescribing medication, he referred her for psychotherapy (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective As Psychotherapy to Overcome Anxiety and Depression).

During the initial stage of psychotherapy, Becky focused on the anxiety she experienced in her dating life and at work.  Her psychotherapist taught Becky coping strategies that helped to alleviate the anxiety at work, but Becky continued to feel anxious when she went out on dates.

Becky told her therapist that even when she really liked a man that she dated a few times, she felt too anxious to continue seeing him.  She would usually make some excuse to discontinue seeing him.  Then, afterwards, she would feel frustrated and sad because she felt that she might never get into a serious relationship if she continued to allow her anxiety to cut short any possibilities with the men that she met and liked.

She explained to her psychotherapist that there was a part of her that very much wanted to be in serious relationship and eventually get married and have children.  But her anxiety about getting closer to a man outweighed her desire to be in a serious relationship, and made it impossible for her to develop a relationship.

She had never been in a serious relationship before.  All of her prior relationships with men were superficial.  Her fear was that if she continued to end things before she could develop a relationship, she would be alone and lonely.

During the initial stage of psychotherapy, when her psychotherapist asked Becky questions about her childhood history, Becky denied that she had ever been abused in any way.  But, as the therapy progressed, Becky became increasingly uncomfortable because she knew that she wasn't being forthcoming about her history of sexual abuse.

Even though she didn't tell her psychotherapist about it, Becky remembered all too well that when she was five years old, she told her mother that her maternal uncle was sexually molesting her.  At first, her mother didn't believe her.  She accused Becky of making up lies and punished her.  But then one day, when her mother left Becky in the care of the maternal uncle, her mother came home to find the uncle in Becky's bedroom on top of Becky on the bed.

Her mother was very upset and threw the maternal uncle out of the house.  She took Becky to the pediatrician and told him what she witnessed when she came home.  After examining Becky, the pediatrician told the mother that there were no signs of penetration.  Then, the pediatrician called the bureau of child welfare to report the case.  The pediatrician also recommended that the mother take Becky for counseling, which her mother never did.

After the doctor's visit, her mother told her that she was "evil" for allowing the uncle to molest her.  She said that Becky must have "seduced" the uncle and he wasn't to blame for what happened.  Instead, she placed the entire blame for what happened on Becky, who believed her mother and felt deeply ashamed.

Her mother also warned Becky that if Becky told the social worker from the bureau of child welfare what happened, she would be taken away and placed in foster care.  This frightened Becky more than anything, so when the social worker interviewed Becky, she told her that she made up the story about the sexual abuse.  Becky's mother also denied seeing anything when she came home.

After that, Becky's mother told her that she should never tell anyone about this or she would be taken away from their home.  Her mother also told her that they would never discuss it again (see my article: Breaking the Family Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family).

In the meantime, the mother didn't allow the uncle to come to the house anymore, but the mother didn't tell other family members what happened because she was ashamed that Becky "allowed" the sexual abuse.

As a result, Becky had to be around her maternal uncle at family gatherings where he would sometimes touch her inappropriately when no one was looking.  He told her that she should never tell anyone about it, and she didn't because she believed it was her fault.

Her psychotherapist, who had dealt with many clients who had unresolved childhood trauma, sensed that Becky was avoiding talking about childhood trauma.  She didn't want to push Becky to talk about it before Becky was ready, but she also knew that if Becky continued to avoid talking about any possible abuse, this would be an obstacle to Becky making progress in therapy.

One day, when her psychotherapist sensed that Becky was opening up more and she might be receptive, the psychotherapist told Becky that she had a sense that there might be something that Becky was avoiding discussing in therapy that might be related to her discomfort with men.  She said this in a empathic and tactful way to give Becky a chance to open up.

How Your Fear and Shame Can Lead to Avoidance in Therapy

At first, Becky hesitated and then she burst into tears.  After she calmed down, she admitted to her therapist that she was, in fact, holding something back because she felt so ashamed.  But, she said, she wanted to  begin talking about it because she felt it was related to her fear of getting closer to men.

Then, she told her psychotherapist what happened to her when her maternal uncle sexually abused her from the ages of 5-12, how her mother blamed her when she initially found out about the early abuse and didn't protect her when they were at family gatherings, and how she felt too ashamed to ever tell anyone about the abuse again, which continued for several years.

She also told her therapist that, as an adult, she knew objectively that she wasn't to blame for the abuse but, on an emotional level, she still blamed herself.

Once she revealed the abuse to her psychotherapist, she felt somewhat ashamed but she mostly felt relieved not to be holding onto this secret anymore.  They were able to talk about how fearful Becky felt about revealing the abuse to her psychotherapist.

She said that, even though she realized objectively that her psychotherapist had dealt with many clients who had been sexually abused and that her therapist wouldn't blame her for it, Becky still felt on an emotional level that her therapist might see her as being "evil," like her mother did.

The more Becky was able to talk about the sexual abuse with her psychotherapist, the freer and less ashamed she felt.  Eventually, they used EMDR therapy to help Becky overcome the trauma of the childhood abuse (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As they worked on helping Becky to overcome the trauma with EMDR therapy, Becky began to feel more comfortable with men.

When she met a man that she really liked, she continued to date him to get to know him.  When she was ready to be sexual with him, she told him, somewhat shyly, that she had never been sexual with a man before.  She was afraid that he would laugh at her or think she was strange but, instead, he was understanding and patient with her, and their relationship eventually flourished.

Conclusion
During the initial stage of psychotherapy, it's common for clients to hesitate about revealing certain aspects of their lives, especially problems that cause them to feel emotionally vulnerable and ashamed.

The problem arises over time when clients avoid talking issues that are related to the presenting problem because they feel too ashamed to talk about it.  This hinders the therapy because the therapist isn't getting the full picture and, if clients continue to avoid talking about what they feel ashamed about, they don't overcome their shame.

When they're ready to talk about it, most people usually feel relieved after they've divulged what they've been avoiding.

Clients in therapy will often say that, after they reveal what they've been avoiding--whether it has to do with sexual abuse, problem drinking, body image problems or whatever the issue is, they feel a huge burden as been lifted from them.  Then, they and their psychotherapist can work directly on resolving the problem.

Getting Help in Therapy
Struggling on your own with unresolved problems can be frustrating and upsetting (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Developing a trusting relationship with a psychotherapist can take time, but once you develop a trusting relationship, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome problems that are keeping you stuck, so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Once you're in therapy, even if you're not ready to completely open up about what's making you feel ashamed, it's important to talk to your psychotherapist to let her know that there's something you feel ashamed about that you're not revealing.  Then, at least, your psychotherapist will be aware that you're struggling with shame and that you need help to bring up whatever it is that you're avoiding.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse?

When two people are in a long-term relationship, it's not unusual for one or both people to project their own negative feelings about themselves onto their partner. This is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism called psychological projection.

Projecting Your Negative Feelings About Yourself Onto Your Spouse

A few weeks ago, I received a call from a friend who wanted to vent her annoyance about her husband. I listened patiently for a while, and when she was through venting about his "laziness" and "neediness," I told her that I was surprised to hear her say these things. I've known my friend and her husband for many years, and I never would have characterized him as "needy" or "lazy." I've always thought of my friend's husband as being self reliant and very hard working.

So, as we were talking, I asked her if she really felt this way about him. At first, she insisted that this is how she really felt. Then, I asked her to give me some examples of these negative traits that she said her husband has. After a while, she realized that she couldn't really give me any examples. Then, she thought about this for a few minutes. And after she thought about it, she broke down crying, saying that she realized that she wasn't really feeling this way about him--this was really how she felt about herself.

We ended up talking for an hour. She went on to tell me why she feels this way about herself which, for purposes of this article, is irrelevant. But afterwards, she said she felt much better about her relationship and realized that she needed to do some work on herself in her own therapy. Part of what we talked about is that it's not usual for husbands and wives to project their own misgivings about themselves onto their spouses. Since my friend knows that I write a psychotherapy blog, she suggested that I write about this topic and use our conversation as a jumping off point.

Why Do People in Long-Term Relationships Project Their Own Negative Feelings About Themselves Onto Their Partners?
First, it's important to understand, once again, that this is an unconscious process. It's not like the person is saying to him or herself, "I can't accept these negative feelings about myself, so I'll put them onto my partner." Since it's completely out of their awareness, in most cases, they don't realize that this is what they're doing.

Often, the negative traits that they don't like about themselves are split off from their awareness. By that, I mean that they emotionally disown these feelings about themselves, in a sense, and because they're disowned, they're disavowed. These negative traits are so unacceptable to them that they cannot acknowledge that they belong to them. It's much easier to project them on someone else. In that sense, psychological projection is a defense mechanism and it protects the person who is doing the projecting from feeling bad about him or herself.

Even though this article is focuses on psychological projection between spouses, psychological projection can take place between any two people: parent-child, employee-boss, brother-sister, and so on. It often happens between spouses because they're together so much.

How to Recognize If You're Engaging in Psychological Projection:
At the beginning of my conversation with my friend, she was absolutely convinced that she was annoyed with her husband because she felt he was "lazy" and "needy." As I mentioned earlier, I allowed her to vent her feelings, but I was quietly thinking to myself, "Really? She really feels this way? She's never said this before. I know him a long time. Something about this doesn't sound right."

After my friend finished venting, I reflected back what she said to me and asked her if she really felt this way. Being an insightful and reflective person, after her initial insistence that she really felt that way, my friend thought about it some more. Since we've been friends for a long time, she also trusts my sense of her and her husband, and my response to her gave her pause.

After she thought about it for a moment, she realized what she was doing--she was projecting her own negative feelings about herself onto her husband. She felt badly for denigrating her husband and then made a commitment to talk to her therapist about these negative feelings that she felt about herself. Now, I don't think that she is any more"lazy" or "needy" than her husband, but these feelings are obviously deep seated in her. And whatever I might feel about her, what's important is that this is how she feels about herself right now, for whatever reason. And, as a friend, I can't be her therapist, so this is something that she'll work out in her own psychotherapy.

How Can You Stop Psychologically Projecting Your Own Negative Feelings Onto Your Spouse:
First, it helps if you have the ability to step back and think about these feelings. Try to put aside your anger and judgment towards your spouse and ask yourself, "Do I really feel this way?" "How do I know this?" "What objective evidence is there for this?"

Very often, because psychological projection is an unconscious defense mechanism, it's hard to separate out your judgments and emotions so you can be objective. If you have a trusted friend, it can help to talk to him or her about it, especially if this friend knows you and your spouse.

If you have some psychological insight into yourself and if you're ready to accept that these feelings might actually be about you and not about your spouse, you can go a long way to avoiding a lot of arguments and heartache between you and your spouse.

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychological projection can be very damaging to a relationship, especially if both people in the relationship are projecting onto each other, which is not unusual.

If you sense that you could be engaging in psychological projection and you find it too challenging to resolve this problem on your own, you could benefit from the help of a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this unconscious psychological defense mechanism.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with both individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.