Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer was written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr in the 1940s. The first part of the Serenity Prayer asks for the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

The Serenity Prayer provides a framework for dealing with life's challenges. The prayer fosters acceptance, courage and wisdom. It also encourages a shift in your focus from what you can't control to what you can control. This helps to relieve anxiety and promote a sense of peace and this is why it's used in 12 Step programs.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

In addition, the Serenity Prayer can be an effective tool in any mental health treatment because it encourages mindfulness, taking action and finding comfort in a higher power or in a personal philosophy.

Why is Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change?

Accepting what you cannot change is a form of change because it helps you to shift your internal state from fighting what you cannot change (reality) to changing your perspective.  This frees you up to redirect your energy to what you can control.  

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

This shift in your perspective from struggling to acceptance creates the space to develop new goals, to find peace and build resilience--even though the external situation remains the same.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how accepting what cannot be changed is a form of change:

Jim

When Jim was growing up, his mother was deeply depressed. As a child, he took it upon himself to try to make her feel better by trying to comfort her, but she remained depressed no matter what he did.

His mother spent most of her time in bed because she was so overwhelmed by her depression. Jim's father didn't know how to deal with the mother's depression, so he buried himself in his work and spent as much time as he could at the office and on business trips to escape from the mother.

As an only child, Jim was often alone with his mother. Instead of going out to play with other children, Jim stayed home and laid next to his mother because it was the only way he connect to her emotionally and physically.

On the rare occasions when his mother felt a little better, he would play cards with her, watch her favorite TV shows or tell her jokes to try to make her laugh.

As a young child, he didn't realize that he was sacrificing so much of himself to try to enliven his mother--even though nothing he did helped (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

As an adult, Jim never gave up his wish to heal his mother. Although he realized on a certain level that there was nothing he could do for her, especially since she didn't want to get professional help, he kept trying to help her. The wish to help her mother remained strong for him.

Accepting What You Cannot Change is a Form of Change

Since he connected with his mother through her depression, he also felt depressed himself. When he sought help in therapy, initially, he focused on trying to find a way to help his mother.  

Over time, his therapist helped Jim to understand that he had abandoned himself at a young age and sacrificed his childhood by focusing on his mother. Although he realized he missed out on a lot as a child, he felt he couldn't let go of his wish to, somehow, find a way to cure his mother.

He had a strong wish to find just the right words or take the right action that would persuade his mother to get help. Even though he knew logically that he couldn't heal his mother and she probably wouldn't get better if she didn't want to get help, letting go of that wish was very challenging for him. He felt like giving up on that wish would make him disloyal to his mother. He also felt like he would lose the only connection he felt with his mother by giving up on helping her.

Over time, Jim learned to focus on himself more, but it wasn't easy. He developed more of a social life with friends. He began to date. He also developed interests and hobbies that were fulfilling to him.

Gradually, he stopped trying to convince his mother to go to therapy. This letting go brought a lot of grief that he dealt with in his therapy. 

His mother, who refused to get help in therapy, noticed that Jim wasn't trying to persuade her to get help anymore and she asked him why he stopped. He responded by telling her that he was learning to accept that if she didn't want to get help, he had no power to change her mind. 

They remained silent together for a few minutes as they both allowed that thought to sink in. Jim was surprised to hear himself say this and his mother was also surprised.

Jim recognized that by accepting what he couldn't change, he was shifting his perspective, even though it was very sad for him, and he was freeing himself emotionally and psychologically to find inner peace, pursue his own goals and personal growth.

Several weeks after he and his mother had their talk, his mother called him to say she realized she had focused a lot of her energy in pushing against his pleas for her to get help. Now that he was no longer trying to convince her and she was no longer focused on refusing to get help, she realized she needed help for her depression, so she made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in depression.

Jim worked in his therapy to overcome the trauma he took on when he took on his mother's depression as a child. His therapist used EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy to help him to heal.

His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but he felt himself gradually coming alive in ways he had not experienced before. 

Conclusion

The Serenity Prayer encourages accepting the things that cannot be changed and this is a wise philosophy, but it's not always easy to know what can be changed and what cannot be changed. This is usually a process that each individual explores and comes to their own conclusions.

On a superficial level, accepting what cannot be changed is often seen as passive behavior--a kind of giving up as if the individual isn't doing anything. But the reality is that acceptance of what cannot be changed is an active process where individuals explore their inner world as well as the external world they're trying to change.

As in the vignette above, sometimes trying to change someone who is depressed or struggling with other psychological problems is a way of remaining emotionally attached to them. In the composite vignette above the only way for Jim, as a child, to have an emotional attachment with his mother was to remain immersed in her depression and to try to help her, which would have been impossible for a child.

The wish to try to change someone can be so strong that it eclipses everything else. The intention of the wish usually comes from a loving place, but it's often not realistic, especially if the other person doesn't want to be helped.

Getting to point of acceptance can be a long process, but it's an active process of self examination and coming to grips with reality.  This often involves working on longstanding unresolved trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma therapy.

Freeing yourself from a traumatic history can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome a traumatic history.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Challenges of the "Sandwich Generation": Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

The "sandwich generation" refers to adults who are raising their own children while taking care of elderly parents at the same time.  It's called the "sandwich generation" because these individuals are caught between their responsibilities for their children and their aging parents.

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

What Are the Challenges Faced By the "Sandwich Generation"?

Here are the most common challenges for individuals trying to balance their roles as caregivers for their children and their elder parents:

• Stress and Emotional Toll: Juggling these two major caregiving roles can lead to high levels of stress, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed.

• Role Reversal: The role reversal of taking care of parents can be emotionally challenging, especially as parents' health declines.

• Time Constraints: These individuals spend a good deal of time balancing their responsibilities for their children and their parents which can leave little time personal time (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers).

• Financial Strain: The cost of taking care of children and elderly parents can create a significant financial burden.

How to Cope With the Challenges

• Get Organized: Keep track of appointments, medications and finances to address stress and confusion.

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

• Don't Forget Self Care: Try to find time for self care. Make sure you get enough rest, eat healthy meals and get exercise at a level that is appropriate for you.  Also, try to find time to do activities you enjoy (see my article: Learning to Balance Taking Care of Your Own Needs and the Needs of Your Loved Ones).

• Communicate Openly With Family Members: If you (or you and your partner) are bearing the brunt of taking care of elderly parents, have an honest conversation with family members about your feelings and needs.

• Seek and Accept Help: After you have had an honest and open talk with family members, delegate certain tasks to them when possible. If that's not possible, ask them if they can help financially so you can hire a home attendant (see the clinical vignette below).

• Set Boundaries: Learn to say "no" to additional responsibilities and try to avoid taking on too much (see my article: Setting Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Look For Small Joys: Try to find moments of joy and connection with your loved ones--even in the midst in all you have to do. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how to deal with some of the challenges of being part of the "sandwich generation":

Dina

As the oldest of three daughters, Dina took in her elderly parents when they could no longer live on their own.  At the same time, she and her husband, Tom, were raising their two teenage sons.

When Dina was growing up, she was expected to take on responsibilities, as compared as the oldest child and her two younger sisters took on none.  Her parents expected her to do many of the household chores while her sisters were allowed to go out with their friends.

When she graduated high school, Dina attended an out of state college to get away from her family responsibilities and, after she graduated, she got an apartment with her former college roommates.

Years later, after Dina got married and she had children, she continued to help her parents, but after they could no longer live on their own, she felt obligated to take them in. 

Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

Before her parents came to live with Dina and Tom, Tom urged Dina to talk to her sisters about helping out more. Tom had always been generous in helping Dina's parents, but he could foresee the toll it was going to take on each of them. Dina was so accustomed to taking on responsibilities as the oldest child that she didn't question whether her sisters should help and she didn't want to talk to them about it.

Their teenage sons helped out when they could, but they were busy with school, their friends, applying to college and sports, and Dina didn't want to rely on them or deprive them of what they needed and wanted to do.

Within a few months, Dina and Tom felt overwhelmed taking care of her parents. Dina wasn't sleeping well and she had very little appetite. She also stopped her usual self care routines--meditation and yoga practices because she didn't have time. She also stopped seeing her close friends. 

Tom also curtailed his outings with friends because he was trying to do as much as he could to help Dina. He was also concerned about his elderly parents who were independent at that point, but he didn't know when they would also need help.

One day when Tom came home from the grocery store, he found Dina in their bedroom sobbing. She looked stressed and worn out. When she saw him, she tried to dry her tears and act like she was alright, but Tom knew Dina had reached her limit.

Tom sat next to Dina and put his arm around her, "We need to talk to your sisters. I know what you're going to say--that as the oldest you've always been the one to take on all the responsibilities, but we can't keep going on like this."

At first, Dina insisted she could continue to take care of her parents, but she knew Tom was right, so they talked about how to approach her sisters.  

A week later, Dina's sisters, Paula and Meg, came over for lunch on a Saturday. At that hour, their parents were upstairs napping. 

Dina felt anxious and guilty. She felt she was abducating her responsibilities. She also anticipated that Paula and Meg wouldn't respond well to her asking them to help.

When Dina told her sisters that she was completely overwhelmed with taking care of their parents, she had to endure her sisters' silence and discomfort. Both sisters looked off in the distance and appeared annoyed.

Tom supported Dina in the conversation and told them that they needed to help.  Paula and Meg responded with many excuses about why they didn't have the time and couldn't help. Soon after that, they both left in a hurry.

Dina felt angry, resentful and sad after they left. She and Tom talked about what they could do next and they decided to have another meeting with Paula and Meg, but this time they would include a third party, a geriatric care manager, there to mediate their discussion.

Initially, Paula and Meg continued to make excuses for not helping at all. While they spoke, the geriatric care manager listened carefully and empathized with them.  Then, she tried to find a compromise where they could offer financial help so Dina and Tom could hire a home attendant for help.

Dina's sisters were so relieved that they didn't have to take their parents in that they readily agreed to offer financial help so Dina and Tom could have more time for themselves.  After that, Dina and Tom felt a lot less stressed because they had help and more time to themselves.

A few months later, Dina's parents decided they would prefer to live in an assisted living facility, so Dina and Tom went with them to see several facilities until they found one they liked and could afford.

After this experience, Dina realized she was so conditioned since childhood to take on most of the responsibilities and she had not learned to take care of herself.  

Once her parents were situated in the assisted living facility, she began therapy to work on this.  Her therapist helped Dina to feel entitled to take care of herself. Dina also worked through the sadness, anger and resentment she had been unaware of for most of her life.  

Conclusion

Being in the dual role of taking raising children and taking care of elderly parents is stressful and emotionally draining for most people.

Without even realizing it, you might be repeating lifelong patterns of doing too much and not taking care of yourself, as discussed in the vignette above.

In certain situations, there might be ways to help alleviate the stress if other family members are willing to help.  If not, you might be able to use the services of a geriatric care manager or someone who is outside the situation who can mediate family discussions to see if there is a compromise.

If you're able, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to cope with the stress and emotional toll. She can also help you to overcome old behavioral patterns that keep you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

I discussed the importance of friendship, sense of community and belonging in two prior articles. 

The Importance of Close Friendships

In my article,  Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:

• Reduced loneliness and social isolation
• A source of emotional support
• Increased self esteem
• A sense of belonging and community
• Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
• A sense of purpose
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Enhanced immune functions
• Potential increase in life expectancy

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men. 

Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women

There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.

However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:

• Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.

• The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.

• A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.

Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships

• Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.

• Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.

Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends

• Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.

• A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.

• Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.

Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships

Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends.  They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their  partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs. 

A Strain on the Relationship 

They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.

It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.

In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.

How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships

• Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.

• Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

• Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.

If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.

Conclusion

There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.

Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.

Also See My Related Article: 

The Need For Connection and a Sense of Belonging 

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

I've written prior articles about fear of abandonment (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

In the current article I'm getting into my more detail to explore fear of abandonment.

What is Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety including a fear of being abandoned by family members and significant others.

How Does Fear of Abandonment Manifest?

Fear of abandonment can manifest as

• Clinginess
• Distrust
• Difficulty establishing and maintaining close relationships

What Causes Fear of Abandonment?

Everyone's experience is different.

Generally, fear of abandonment is often caused by past experiences and unresolved trauma including past relationship trauma and/or early childhood trauma.

What Are Some of the Signs and Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment?

    Emotional Signs and Symptoms include:

• Anxiety and panic: Feeling overwhelmed and distressed by the possibility of being abandoned

• Distrust: Difficulty trusting others and fear others will leave

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

• Sensitivity to Criticism or Rejection: Reacting intensely to perceived criticism or rejection

• Fear of Intimacy: Fear of getting close to someone and, possibly, pushing them away if there is already a relationship

• Worry When It Seems Things Are Going Too Well: Feeling anxious when things seem to be going too well due to fear it will not last

Behavioral Signs and Symptoms include:

• Clinginess: Being overly dependent and needing constant reassurance

• Manipulative Behavior: Trying to control or manipulate others to avoid being left

• People Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict and rejection

• Sabotaging Relationships: Intentionally pushing people away or ending a relationship before they can be abandoned

• Social Isolation: Avoiding social situations or relationships to avoid getting hurt or abandoned (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

What Are the Roots of Fear of Abandonment?

• Childhood Experiences: Being emotionally neglected, abused or experiencing  inconsistent parenting can lead to emotional insecurity and a fear of being abandoned (see my article: How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Affect Adult Relationships).

• Traumatic Events: Unresolved childhood trauma, such as the death of a parent or other loved ones, can develop into a fear of being abandoned.

• Anxious Attachment Style: People who have an anxious attachment style can develop a fear of being abandoned.

How Can You Overcome Fear of Abandonment?

• Self Care: Practicing self compassion, engaging in activities that enhance your well-being and building a strong sense of self

• Developing Healthy Relationships: Establishing healthy relationships with people who are trustworthy, reliable and responsible 

• Seeking Emotional Support: Seeking support among loved ones who are emotionally supportive 
• 
  
• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: Making a commitment to work through unresolved trauma in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how trauma therapy can help an individual to overcome fear of abandonment:

Sara

When Sara first started dating Ed, she enjoyed her time with him. But as time went on and they developed stronger feelings for each other, Sara felt more insecure and anxious. She began worrying time that Ed would leave her now that she was in love with him. 

She would ask him repeatedly for reassurance that he wasn't planning on leaving her, which he was willing to do at first. But, after a while, he realized that no amount of reassurance would relieve her anxiety.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

When her anxiety felt out of control, she sought help in trauma therapy. 

In trauma therapy, she found out that her anxiety and insecurity had nothing to do with Ed--it mostly involved unresolved trauma regarding the emotional neglect she experienced as a child.

Over time, Sara learned how to separate her childhood experiences from her relationship with Ed. It wasn't easy, but she learned how to regulate her emotions during those moments when she felt anxious around Ed so she could be more present with him (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma: Learn to Separate Your Experiences From Back Then From Your Experiences Now).

Her therapist also used EMDR Therapy to help her to overcome her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer getting triggered when she was with Ed.

The work in trauma therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Sara overcame her anxiety and she and Ed became much closer.

Conclusion

Fear of abandonment is a common form of anxiety.

Fear of abandonment can come up for a variety of reasons, as mentioned earlier in this article.

If this anxiety isn't addressed in therapy, it can get worse over time, so it's better to get help sooner rather than later in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people don't realize they have fear of abandonment until they enter into an exclusive relationship where emotional vulnerability comes up.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have tried to overcome fear of abandonment on your own without success, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has training and expertise in trauma therapy, like EMDR or other types of trauma therapy like AEDP, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and other forms of Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma)

Once you have worked through your fear and anxiety about being abandoned, you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Reconnecting With Deceased Loved Ones in Your Dreams

Having dreams about deceased loved ones is a common experience for many people (see my article: Common Reactions to the Loss of a Loved One).  

Reconnected With Deceased Loved Ones in Dreams

Some people believe loved ones come to them in dreams to reconnect or to impart an important message.  

Others believe these dreams come from a place deep inside them as a way to remember and mourn their loss.

Whatever you believe, these dreams can be an important part of your healing process as way to come to terms with your loss. 

A Child's Recurring Dreams About a Deceased Father

When I was a child, I had recurring dreams about my father, who died suddenly (see my article: Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

Reconnecting With Deceased Loves Ones in Dreams

Each dream was slightly different, but there were certain recurring themes. 

One recurring theme was that I would be shocked to see my father appear suddenly in front of me.  I would be happy to see him, but I would also feel confused and I would say to him, "But I thought you were dead..."

In some of the dreams he would tell me he had just gone away and now he was back, and in other dreams he would acknowledge that he was dead. 

Whichever response I received would confuse me: How could he be dead and still be standing in front of me?

Then, at some point, I would tell my father I wanted to let my mother know he was back. But when I turned around, he was gone and I felt the painful loss again.

Many clients tell me how real these dreams feel to them and I know this from my own experience. 

Each person comes to their own understanding of the meaning of their dreams. 

Looking back now, I believe these dreams were a way for my unconscious mind to work through the loss when my conscious mind couldn't make sense of it (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

In other words, my unconscious mind helped with the healing process. 

Many years later, when I was ready, a skilled psychotherapist helped me with a deeper level of working through the grief (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

Dreams About a Deceased Psychotherapist

Over the years I've had dreams about a psychotherapist who was important in my healing process as a young adult.

In some of those dreams, I talked to the therapist about current issues in my life.  

In those dreams it was as if he were still very much alive and I was having a therapy session to talk over a problem. 

I usually wake up feeling a little wistful but also refreshed.

After I wake up, I allow myself to enjoy the experience of the dream without analyzing the meaning--at least not at first.

For me, allowing myself to linger in the experience of this reconnection with someone who was so important to me during my youth is more meaningful (initially) than an analyzing the dream.  There's always time for that later, if I want it.

Conclusion

There are many ways to grieve and work through the loss of a loved one including healing through dreams (see my articles: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Although not all dreams about deceased loved ones are healing, the ones that are can help with the grief and mourning process.

It doesn't matter whether you believe your loved one actually came to you or you believe the dream was your unconscious mind's way of helping you to deal with the loss.  Either belief can help in the healing process.

Recalling, writing down and talking about these dreams with trusted friends and family can help you to cope with loss.

Although dreams can be healing, sometimes grief is too difficult to work through on your own and therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Time alone doesn't heal all wounds (see my article: Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds).

Grief work in therapy can help you to move through the mourning process at a pace that feels right for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who does grief work with clients.

Working through grief can help you to heal from the pain and live a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Grief:

Coping With Complicated Grief

You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

Holding Onto Grief as a Way to Stay Emotionally Connected to a Deceased Loved One

Mourning the Death of a Father You Have Never Known

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individuals and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.