Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship

In my prior article, How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance, I discussed what you need to consider if you're thinking about getting back into a former relationship. If you haven't read it, take a look at that article (using the link above) before you read this article.

Assuming you have made the decision to get back with an ex, the current article discusses the potential pros and cons to a second chance relationship.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Second Chance Relationships

Under these circumstances, the two former partners decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the prior situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

What Are the Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship?

No two situations are alike, but here are some of the potential advantages and disadvantages of second chance relationships:

Potential Advantages

• Familiarity and Comfort: You're already comfortable because you know each other and you don't have to go through the "getting to know you" phase that you would with someone new.

Second Chance Relationships

• Existing Connection: You have a shared history and a foundation for the relationship which can create a strong bond.

• Mutual Growth: Both you and your ex had a chance while you were apart to grow, reflect on what went wrong the first time and become better versions of yourselves during your time apart.  

Potential Disadvantages

• Lingering Resentment and Pain: It can be difficult to let go of old resentments which can sabotage the relationship.

• Repeating Negative Patterns: Old habits and ways of being can be difficult to overcome. You and your ex might find yourselves repeating old negative patterns that caused the breakup the first time around.

Second Chance Relationships

• Difficulty Rebuilding Trust: If trust issues were the cause of the breakup the first time, these issues can be difficult to overcome. It would take work on to show rebuild trust.

• Lack of a Full Commitment: The familiarity and comfort can make it challenging to put in the effort to make a full commitment (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Lack of Growth Opportunities: By giving a former partner a second chance, you might be forgoing the opportunity to meet someone new and start a new relationship where you can grow.

What Can You and Your Partner Do to Try to Succeed in a Second Chance Relationship?

To try to succeed in a second chance relationship, both of you must be willing to make a commitment to:

• Identify and Address Past Problems: Take the time to sit with your partner and address why things didn't work out the first time. You and you partner need to address the root causes of the breakup and take responsibility for each of your roles in those issues. Avoid focusing on blame and focus on finding solutions.

• Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Discuss needs and expectations as well as dealbreakers. Work together to set these boundaries and expectations early in the reconnection phase to prevent misunderstandings and so both people can feel secure (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

• Commit to Personal Growth: Both of you must be willing to work on the behaviors that caused the breakup the first time. Focusing on personal growth is critical for the relationship to succeed.  

Second Chance Relationships

• Prioritize Open Communication: Prioritize open and honest communication. Take the time to check in with each other periodically to see how each you're doing. Discuss feelings, concerns, expectations. Each of you needs to feel heard and valued. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blame (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

• Rebuild Trust Gradually: If trust was broken in the past, it will take time and patience to rebuild trust. Focus on making and keeping small commitments and to showing a  commitment to change and reliability.

• Go Slow and Be Patient: Resist the urge to go back to where you were in your relationship in the past. Rebuilding connection takes time. Allow the time and space for the relationship to build gradually and naturally.

• Practice Forgiveness: Sincere amends and forgiveness are necessary to give a relationship a second chance. Holding onto old resentments will sabotage a new chance for the relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Focus on the Present and the Future: Assuming trust is being rebuilt and there have been genuine amends and forgiveness, focus on the present and the future without getting stuck in the past.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help If Needed: A couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to get through this complicated phase of the relationship. She can also help you to address unresolved issues and communication patterns.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.