Why Are So Many of Us Fearful of Change While Others Embrace It?

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

While some people embrace transitions wholeheartedly, the vast majority of us naturally resist change—especially when it pushes us out of our comfort zone. As a New York City psychotherapist in private practice, I frequently see clients respond to making life shifts with a mixture of anxious anticipation, fear, and ambivalence.

Personal growth is rarely a straight line. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, shedding old defense mechanisms requires time, vulnerability, and a safe environment.

Objectively, it might seem confusing that voluntary therapy clients resist the very transformations they are paying to achieve. Psychologically, however, this resistance makes perfect sense.

Why Is Change So Hard for Most of Us?

When we look beneath the surface, what we actually dislike is the lack of control and the profound uncertainty that accompanies a transition.

While we welcome positive changes we choose—like a much-anticipated vacation, falling in love, or earning a raise—we instinctively resist involuntary changes imposed upon us.

Examples of Involuntary Change:

• An unexpected life event like the death of a loved one
• A sudden health concern or medical diagnosis
• The painful ending of a romantic relationship
• A sudden workplace restructuring or a layout shift
• An unexpected financial loss or budget crisis

Under these involuntary circumstances, grief, pain, and loss can make the world feel deeply confusing and threatening.

Why Do We Have Mixed Feelings About Changes We Want?

The human brain naturally prioritizes predictability and comfort over the discomfort of personal growth. Even when a change is highly desired, the status quo represents a familiar survival strategy that has kept us safe. As the old saying goes, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

In psychotherapy, this internal tug-of-war is understood through two core clinical frameworks:

1. The Approach-Avoidance Conflict

This psychological phenomenon means we are simultaneously drawn to the benefits of a better life while being repelled by the fear and effort required to change.

2. Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Protector Parts

According to IFS Therapy (Internal Family Systems), our psyche contains defense mechanisms known as "protector parts." These parts resist change because they originally stepped up to protect a wounded, traumatized part of us during childhood.

For example, if you learned to become emotionally numb to survive a dysfunctional family, that defense mechanism protected you from overwhelming pain. However, using that same emotional numbness ("zoning out") as an adult when your partner is sharing their frustration is no longer adaptive. While you want to be a good partner, letting go of that safety mechanism feels incredibly risky to your nervous system.

Similarly, when resolving trauma, your logical mind knows life will improve without the psychological burden, but processing those buried emotions can trigger an intense urge to abandon the effort.

How Can the Change Process Be Easier to Manage?

As a trauma therapist, I cannot eliminate the emotional pain of growth, but I can help you process it in manageable waves. Utilizing specialized techniques—such as Somatic Experiencing and pendulation—allows us to safely expand your comfort zone.

You can make the transition more manageable by practicing these steps:

• Ditch all-or-nothing thinking: Shift out of a binary mindset to avoid disappointment when difficult habits don't change overnight.
• Adopt non-judgmental curiosity: View your fear as data to explore rather than a personal failure.
• Acknowledge protective habits: Recognize that your old, maladaptive defense mechanisms once kept you safe.
• Separate fear from action: Learn to tolerate the physical sensation of fear while taking small outward steps.
• Expect non-linear progress: Anticipate natural ups and downs rather than expecting a straight line forward.
• Identify what is controllable: Anchor your focus entirely on what you can influence right now.
• Remember prior resilience: Recall times you successfully navigated unexpected life shifts in the past.
• Challenge catastrophic thinking: Evaluate whether your fears are realistic or just worst-case scenarios.
• Process long-term regret: Forgive yourself for waiting until now so guilt doesn't stall your momentum.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Why do I want to change but find myself resisting it?

This is known as the approach-avoidance conflict. Your brain naturally values predictability and safe familiarity, causing your nervous system to resist growth even when you logically want to improve your life.

How does trauma therapy help with a fear of change?

Trauma therapies like EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing help identify the protective parts of your psyche that are stuck in the past. By processing old wounds, your nervous system learns that it is safe to embrace the present.

Navigate Life Transitions with Professional Support

Change is rarely easy, but choosing a therapist who makes you feel safe is the first step toward a new experience of security. As an experienced NYC psychotherapist, I provide a compassionate space to help you step out of survival mode and into meaningful growth.

📞 Contact Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

• Specialties: Psychodynamic Therapy, Trauma Therapy, Hypnotherapy, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Sex Therapy
• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Location: Greenwich Village, New York City (10011) and Telehealth
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (Business hours)
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• Next Step: Reach out today for a free 15 minute phone call to discuss your goals.

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

As a psychotherapist and hypnotherapist in New York City, this is the time of year when I see new clients coming to therapy because they've decided to make important changes in their lives. This is the time of year when many of us take stock, think about our lives, and make New Year's resolutions about the things that we want to change about ourselves. 

Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions

At the beginning of the New Year when people make their New Year's resolutions, many people start with enthusiasm, motivation and determination to make the changes that they want to see in their lives. 

However, after a month or two, many of those same people get frustrated and discouraged when they don't see the changes happening fast enough, and they abandon their efforts. When you work with a licensed mental health professional who has advanced training in clinical hypnosis, you're able to work more deeply on the unconscious issues that keep you from making the changes that you want to make. It's not as much of a struggle as when you try to do it on your own.

If you, like many others, are at the point when you've made your New Year's resolutions and you feel determined to make those changes, here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Recognize that Change is a Process: Since change is a process that happens over time, and usually not a one-time event, recognize that making changes, especially if you're trying to do it on your own, might take longer than you think.

• Focus on Changing Your Behavior: Instead of focusing on specific results (e.g., wanting to lose a specific amount of weight by a specific date), focus on changing your behavior. So, for instance, instead of saying, "I want to lose 15 lbs. by March 1st," focus on eating healthier and more nutritious meals. When you focus on healthier eating habits, your goal will be a broader change that will be longer lasting, more holistic and more effective than planning for particular weight loss. You're also more likely to keep off any weight that you've lost when you have a broader goal.

• Choose Only One or Two Changes at a Time: If you overwhelm yourself with too many New Year's resolutions at a time, you are probably setting yourself up for failure. Choosing one or two behaviors that you would like to change is more likely to be effective. As you see positive changes in those one or two areas that you want to change, you'll feel more confident about yourself. Then, after you've consolidated your gains in these areas, you can consider other areas that you'd like to change.

• Decide What You'd Like to Add to Your Life As Well: When you decide to make a change in yourself, decide what you'd like to add to your life as well. So, for instance, if you want to stop smoking and you know that you tend to smoke when you get anxious, think about what pleasant activities you can substitute for your old smoking habit when you feel triggered by anxiety. Attending a yoga class, going to the gym, talking to a friend, learning to meditate, or some other healthy activity that you would enjoy, might be among the activities that you choose to add to your life. So, it's not just about "giving up smoking." The overall goal is to lead a healthier life, you're learning new coping skills for when you get anxious, and you're also adding healthy activities to create greater happiness in your life.

• Recognize that You Might Slip Back into Old Behaviors: This gets back to the idea that change is a process. So, it's better not to engage in all-or-nothing thinking when you're trying to make changes in your life. Recognize that you might slip back into the old behaviors that you're trying to change. Plan for these slips so that you're prepared if and when they occur. For many people, this is the time when they become frustrated and they give up on their New Year's resolutions. So, rather than berating yourself and giving up, acknowledge that you're human, you had a slip, recommit to your goal and move on.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EMDR, IFS Parks Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to make positive changes so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load

A common complaint I hear from heterosexual women in my psychotherapy practice in New York City is that they feel exhausted by the mental load related to their household, especially if they have children.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load, which is also called "worry work," refers to the cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load usually involves behind-the-scenes work necessary to keep a household running smoothly including:

• Meal planning
• Scheduling appointments
• Scheduling daily, monthly and annual plans
• Scheduling and planning vacations
• Remembering family members' appointments
• Staying on top of the children's scheduled activities
• Remembering and planning for birthdays, holidays and other events
• Buying gifts for family members, including her male partner's family members
• Making and working on to-do lists
• Delegating tasks to family members
• Overseeing tasks and making sure family members take care of assigned tasks
• Arranging playdates for the children
• Keeping a mental checklist of other tasks that need to get planned, delegated and done
• Many other responsibilities

How Does the Mental Load Affect Women?

The mental load is work done in addition to tangible household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on.

Many women feel especially drained by the mental load because not only is the list endless and tiring, it's often taken for granted by their male partner and children.

Overwhelmed by the Mental Load

The mental load often leaves women so exhausted that they have little or no energy for their own self care.  

Since many women feel overwhelmed by these tasks, they often report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. 

This often means feeling emotionally and sexually disconnected from their male partner who isn't sharing in the mental load. 

If the mental load continues to fall disproportionately on the woman over time, it can contribute to the destruction of the relationship.

Why It's a Problem For Male Partners to Say, "You should've asked for help"

When women complain to their male partners, they often get a response along the lines of, "You should've asked for help," which is annoying and frustrating to many women.

Why? Because the question implies that the mental load is the woman's primary responsibility and the male partner is offering to "help" rather than sharing the tasks equally.

How to Share the Mental Load With Your Partner

• Talk to Your Partner About It: Even though you might have complained many times before about feeling exhausted from assuming the primary responsibility for the mental load, your partner might not have understood or, if he understood, he might have agreed to be better about it and then he quickly forgot about it. Don't wait until you're at your wits end. Make time to discuss this problem calmly when you both have time and privacy. Then, explain how you feel and how you're affected by all these responsibilities. Your partner needs to make a real commitment to change and then actually make changes.

• Share This Article: Sometimes when a partner reads an article, they're more receptive to change than when they feel you're trying to change or "fix" them. So, share this article so they can have another way to understand the concept of the mental load.

• Work Out a Way to Share the Responsibilities Equally: This can be tricky to work out. One possible way is to do things together. For instance, if you're usually the one who takes full responsibility for meal planning, work on it together. There might be some trial and error before you both feel you're sharing responsibilities equally, so think of it as a work in progress until you both get it worked out.

Give Up Control After Your Partner Shares the Mental Load

• Give Up Control: Once your partner shares responsibilities with you, you need to give up control. That means giving up on monitoring, criticizing or correcting your partner's way of doing things if it's different from your own. In addition, even if you and your partner are able to share the mental load equally, be aware that it's not unusual for heterosexual women to feel guilty about not living up to societal expectations with regard to traditional gender roles.

• Expect to Make Adjustments: As previously mentioned, it might take you and your partner many tries until you both adjust to sharing responsibilities. This usually isn't a one-and-done discussion. So, if you both know this in advance, you will expect it.

Getting Help in Therapy

Making changes in your relationship can be challenging--even when both people are motivated.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If both of you have been unable to make changes on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.