Surviving the End of a Relationship

Ending a relationship is often a challenging experience with many complex, non-linear emotional reactions (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Each person's reactions to a breakup vary at different stages, but there are some common reactions, including a mixture of all the feelings mentioned below:

Common Emotional Reactions

• Sadness: Most people experience sadness after a breakup whether they were the ones who wanted the breakup or not. This often involves crying, social withdrawal and a deep sense of loss. For some people it also includes a period of depression.

• Seeking Explanations: Most people have a strong need to understand why the relationship ended, often replaying past events in their mind to try to find answers.

• Shock and Denial: If the breakup was unexpected, many people have a difficult time accepting it at first because the breakup is a shock. This can lead to a sense of denial that the relationship is over or to a sense of numbness.

• Bargaining: Many people will try to regain control by promising to change or plead for another chance. 

• Anger and Resentment: Many individuals feel angry and resentful if they didn't initiate the breakup. This can lead to lashing out against their ex or self destructive behavior.

• Relief: If the relationship was a high-conflict or unhealthy relationship, an individual might experience a sense of relief.

Common Physical and Psychological Reactions

In addition to the emotional reactions, a breakup can affect the body and daily functioning:

• Brain Chemistry: As a result of a breakup, an individual can experience a loss of the "feel good" hormones like dopamine and oxytocin which can lead to withdrawal-like symptoms. This can also create cravings for the ex-partner.

• Physical Symptoms: An individual going through a breakup can experience increased cortisol which can result in muscle tension, headaches, sleep disturbance and changes in appetite.

• Cognitive Symptoms: It's not unusual to experience a temporary decrease in concentration, memory and decision-making abilities.

Recovery Behaviors

Each person has their own individual recovery behaviors that work for them. Some people prefer to get active again and others prefer to spend time on their own in solitude to recover (see my article: What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Going No Contact: Many individuals prefer to go no contact with their ex rather than rehashing their feelings, engaging in bargaining or ongoing discussion about anger and resentment.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Spending Time in Solitude: There are some individuals who prefer to spend time on their own to deal with a breakup. They might spend time meditating, journaling or doing other solitary activities they find self affirming.

• Re-engaging in Hobbies and Social Activities: Some people find they prefer to immerse themselves in activities that are meaningful to them including engaging in hobbies and social activities. 

• Reframing the Loss: Being able to reframe a loss usually doesn't happen immediately because it can take time to work through some of the more difficult feelings about the breakup. If someone tries to "reframe" too soon in the grieving process, it can mean that they are avoiding dealing with difficult emotions and they just want to fast forward the process too quickly. For individuals who have allowed themselves to go through the stages of grief about the breakup, reframing can mean seeing the loss in terms of a period of self growth and a time to reinvest in themselves by exploring new interests and build resilience.

• Seek Support: Reaching out to supportive friends and family members as well as to a mental health professional can help to deal with the sense of grief, loss, shock or denial which is often involved in a breakup.

How Can Therapy Help to Deal With a Breakup?

Working with a skilled licensed mental health professional provides a safe, supportive and structured environment to process intense emotions and practical changes involved with a breakup.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help to accelerate the healing process by offering an objective perspective as well as tools and strategies that family and friends often cannot provide.

Well-meaning friends and family members often urge individuals who are going through a breakup to "move on" and "get out there and meet someone new" before the person going through the breakup might be ready. 

Aside from providing a supportive environment, a skilled therapist can also help with:

• Normalizing Common Reactions to a Breakup: An experienced therapist knows that there are common reactions to a breakup and won't try to push you to "move on" before an individual is ready. At the same time, if someone is stuck and unable to grieve, a skilled therapist can help the individual to overcome the obstacles that might be getting in their way.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Helping With Emotional Regulation and Coping: Experienced therapists can teach clients skills like grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises as well as other skills to manage intrusive thoughts and emotional distress.

• Restoring Daily Functioning: If a breakup has disrupted sleep, appetite and ability to function in other ways, an experienced therapist can help you to re-establish your routines and regain focus on daily activities.

• Rebuilding Identity: Many people lose their sense of self when a relationship ends, especially a long term relationship. 

• Breaking Relationship Patterns: By looking at past relationship dynamics, you can identify unhealthy patterns and set healthy boundaries in future relationships.

• Regaining Confidence: If the breakup has caused a loss of confidence, a licensed mental health professional can help an individual to regain their confidence. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (four couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

When Love Doesn't Conquer All

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

How to Be Open to New Possibilities After Healing From a Breakup

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Suppress Their Emotions?

Many people have a difficult time experiencing certain emotions in a healthy way so they suppress their emotions, which has health and mental health consequences.

Emotional Suppression

Which Emotions Are Commonly Suppressed?

The following emotions are the ones that are commonly suppressed among people who feel they need to hide these emotions:

• Anger: Anger is often perceived as being aggressive or out of control (even for people who are experiencing anger in a controlled way). Frustration and rage, which are part of anger, are often suppressed (see my article: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Guilt and Shame).

• Sadness or Grief: Crying or showing sadness or grief is often discouraged in our society, especially for men. This often leads to emotional suppression.

• Fear or Vulnerability: Society tends to value strength so showing fear or emotional vulnerability is discouraged (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship).

• Shame and Guilt: Shame and guilt are often discouraged in Western culture because there is a negative perception of emotions (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

• Envy and Jealousy: Many people push down feelings of envy or jealousy because these emotions are perceived as negative (see my articles: Overcoming Jealousy and Is Envy Ruining Your Relationships?).

• Disappointment: Disappointment is similar to sadness. Many people hide these emotions to appear "strong" and not to burden others (see my article: 5 Tips For Overcoming Routine Disappointments).

Why Do People Suppress Emotions?

Emotional Suppression

• Social Conditioning: As mentioned above, many people are taught to be "tough" or polite which leads to hiding emotions which are perceived as negative.

• Fear of Judgment: People who suppress certain emotions often fear that they will be judged or criticized for expressing certain emotions, so they suppress these emotions rather than expressing them.

• Maladaptive Coping Mechanism: People who suppress certain emotions hide these emotions as a maladaptive coping strategy to avoid discomfort or situations they feel would be overwhelming for them (see my article: Avoidance as a Maladaptive Coping Strategy).

What Are the Consequences of Emotional Suppression?

The most common consequences of emotional suppression include:

• Mental Health: People who suppress emotions are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression , emotional numbing and trauma-related issues as compared to people who express their emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Suppression

• Physical Health: These symptoms include high blood pressure, heart problems, chronic pain and other physical symptoms (see my article: How Emotional Suppression Can Lead to Physical Health and Mental Health Problems).

• Emotions Resurface More Intensely: People who suppress their emotions often discover that these emotions resurface in a more intense way. They are also more at risk, compared to people who can express their emotions in a healthy way, for alcoholism, drug abuse and other impulsive or compulsive way

Get Help in Therapy

If you tend to suppress emotions that make you feel uncomfortable, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Learning to express your emotions in a healthy way can help you to be more self aware, reduce anxiety and stress, improve health and mental health and develop healthier relationships (see my article: Learning How to Express Your Emotions in a Healthy Way).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Allow Yourself to Feel So You Can Heal

 

Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation cutting off all contact.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

This can include ignoring texts, calls and social media, effectively disappearing from the person's life. It is commonly associated with dating, but it can happen in any relationship and it has become more prevalent since the rise of technology.

Being Ghosted By Your Partner

Being ghosted by someone you're in a relationship with is especially painful. It can leave you with self doubt, many unanswered questions as well as: 

• Lack of Closure: When there is no explanation, it can leave you with questions and a sense of uncertainty that can make it difficult for you to move on.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

• The Possibility of Negative Self Talk: Being ghosted by your partner can lead to your experiencing self criticism, self doubt, feeling rejected and a general feeling where you question your self worth.

• The Possibility of Loss of Trust: Being ghosted by your partner can cause you to experience a lack of trust which can make it harder to trust others in future relationships.

Why Do People Ghost Their Partners?

There can be many reasons why a ghoster disappears from someone's life including:

• Conflict Avoidance: The partner might be avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation. They also might not know how to communicate their feelings.

• Emotional Immaturity: Poor communication and conflict resolution skills is usually indicator of emotional immaturity.

• Fear and Anxiety: Fear, anxiety or negative experiences from the past can contribute to ghoster disappearing.

• Loss of Interest: Sometimes ghosting is a sign that the ghoster has lost interest, found someone else or they are having an affair. None of this excuses ghosting.

How to Cope With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

As previously mentioned, being ghosted by a partner can be very hurtful and confusing.

Here are some tips on how to cope:

• Allow Yourself to Grieve: Acknowledge and process your feelings without judgment. Self compassion is essential to healing.

• Try Not to Personalize It: Ghosting is usually a reflection on your partner and their issues--not a reflection on you. Their behavior reflects their inability to handle the situation.

• Acknowledge and Accept the Reality: Even though it's painful, acknowledge and accept that your partner's behavior probably indicates the end of the relationship. It's a definitive action--even without an explanation.

• Focus on Self Care: Take the time to prioritize your own healing. Focus on what brings you joy and helps you to feel secure within yourself.

• Seek Emotional Support: Talk to trusted friends and family members for emotional support.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been especially traumatized by being ghosted and your usual support network isn't enough, seek help in therapy where a licensed mental health professional can help you to get through the crisis.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is composite of many cases, illustrates the emotional pain and confusion of being ghosted by a partner and how therapy can help:

Jane

Jane came home from work on day and she discovered that Ed had moved out. All of his belongings were removed from the apartment without explanation.

At first, Jane thought they had been robbed, but then she realized that only Ed's belongings were missing and nothing of value had been taken.

She was shocked. Three years into their relationship, everything seemed to be going well between them. They were talking about getting engaged and even discussing when they would get married. So she couldn't understand what had happened.

Coping With Being Ghosted By Your Partner

She tried to call him and text him numerous times that night, but he didn't respond to her.  She even called his family, but they said they didn't know where he was. 

But when she reached his best friend, Joe, he didn't sound surprised. He hesitated before speaking and then said, "I'm sorry Jane. I didn't think he would handle things this way. You need to forget him."

Joe's response was even more confusing to her and she asked him what he knew, but Joe said he didn't want to speak for Ed. He said Ed needed to speak for himself and he thought it was awful that Ed would just leave without talking to Jane.

Without answers as to why Ed left, Jane replayed in her mind the last few weeks as a way to try to understand what happened between them, but she couldn't remember anything that happened that would cause Ed to leave without a word.

For several days Jane kept trying to reach Ed, but her calls kept going to voicemail and he didn't respond to her texts.  

She felt a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion and anxiety. When she talked to her close friends, she felt emotionally supported by them, but she kept wondering what could have possibly gone wrong that would make Ed leave this way.

After a few weeks went by without any word from Ed, Jane sought help in psychotherapy. She felt so overwhelmed by her emotions that she was starting to doubt herself in all areas of her life.  

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve. She felt so abandoned and upset about the way Ed left that she felt like she never wanted to be in another relationship again.

The abandonment was made worse by the fact that Jane lost her father when she was 10 due to his sudden heart attack. No one in the family, including her mother, knew how to grieve, so after the funeral, they went about their daily activities as if nothing had happened. This left Jane feeling alone and not only abandoned by her father but also abandoned by the rest of her family. 

As a result, she never fully grieved the loss of her father, which was now being triggered by Ed's sudden departure.

Her therapist helped Jane to grieve the current loss and the loss of her father using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

After several months, Jane began to feel like herself again. She still couldn't believe that Ed left without a word, but she accepted the reality of her situation. She realized that it wasn't her fault that he left. She also realized he lacked the emotional maturity to talk to her about breaking up.  

With time, Jane began making some sense of Ed's sudden departure when she remembered her situations he had told her about--including how he suddenly ended a relationship with a fiance 15 years before. He had told her that he regretted ending that relationship in that way and he would never do that again, but Jane realized he had not matured since he ended that relationship.

Initially, she blamed herself for trusting him while she knew he had done this before many years ago, but over time she realized it wasn't her fault.

Aside from talking to her friends and attending therapy, Jane also engaged in hobbies that she used to enjoy. At first, she felt like she was just going through the motions but, gradually, she regained her sense of enjoyment.

Working through the original loss of her father and the abrupt end to her relationship with Joe wasn't easy. It took time and work in therapy to heal.

A couple of years later, Jane was in a new relationship with Tom. She was hesitant, at first to trust him but, since he knew her history, Tom was patient with Jane and he showed himself to be trustworthy.

Although she never found out why Ed left, Jane left go of her sadness and resentment as she healed in therapy. 

Conclusion

Being ghosted is a painful experience, especially when it occurs in a relationship.

There is no excuse for the ghoster to disappear suddenly without an explanation, but there can be many reasons that often have little or nothing to do with the person who is being ghosted.

After the initial shock, accepting the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to grieve is part of the healing process.

If the support of trusted family and friends isn't enough, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you on your healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to grieve their losses.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

I've been focusing on family estrangements between parents and adult children lately.  

See my articles:

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

As An Adult Child: Trying to Decide Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Parents

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Family Estrangements?

What Are the Most Common Barriers to Reconciliation Between Parents and Adult Children?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the most common barriers to reconciliation between parents and adult children.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

These include but are not limited to:

• Parents Who Believe Their Adult Child "Owes" Them: For most estrangements between parents and adult children this is the #1 barrier to reconciliation. While gratitude is important, when the parents' attitude is that their adult children must now pay them back for what they did, either literally or figuratively, this is can be burdensome for adult children in a way that creates a permanent rift. If there is already an estrangement between the parents and the adult child, the insistence that the parents are owed something can maintain the rift and make it nearly impossible to reconcile.  Common examples include an expectation that the adult child will:

• Reimburse the parents for money they spent when the child was young

• Buy them expensive gifts or pay for expensive trips to compensate them for the money they spent on the child when the child was younger

• Follow in the parents' footsteps with regard to traditions, career, residence, religion, political views, choice of a romantic partner and so on

• Fulfill a wish or an ideal the parents were unable to fulfill for themselves 

• Parents or Adult Children Who Believe Any Changes in Their Relationship Should Only Come From the Other Person: Parents who take a rigid stance that any changes to reconcile an estrangement should only come from the adult child can be setting up a formidable barrier to reconciliation. Depending upon the particular situation, both sides might need to make changes or compromises. Parents who cling to the idea that adult children can only "show respect" for them by doing things the parents' way create barriers to reconciliation.  Similarly, adult children should also reflect on any emotionally healthy changes they might need to make to have a healthy relationship with their parents.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

• Parents Who Don't Accept Their Adult Child is Now an Adult: Recognizing that your child is now an adult can be emotionally challenging because it means accepting that they have changed and your relationship with your child also needs to change. This means they have more autonomy than when they were younger. You can no longer insist on making decisions for them. You also have to accept that you are older. Similarly, under most circumstances, adult children need to accept they are now adults who can no longer depend on their parents in the same way they did as young children.

• Parents Who Believe They Have a Right to Interfere in Their Adult Child's Relationship: This is a common barrier to reconciliation. You might not like your adult child's partner, but you don't have the right to interfere in their relationship--even if you feel sure you know what's best. Worse still, if you demand that your child choose between you and their partner, you are creating an emotionally wrenching situation for your child and possibly setting up a permanent estrangement. Similarly, adult children should not interfere in their parents' relationship under most circumstances. (An example of an exception might be if the parent is no longer competent to make decisions for themselves due to health or mental health issues and the other parent or stepparent is engaging in abuse, including financial/elder abuse). See my articles: 

• Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship

• Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship)

• Parents or an Adult Child Who Hold Onto Grudges Over Petty Issues: Letting go of past resentment can be difficult. Every situation is different, so there might be situations where whatever transpired on either side was so egregious that it's beyond reconciliation, but this isn't usually the case. Many situations start off with something relatively small and become bigger the longer the parents and adult child argue about it, so it's important for both sides to let go of grudges related to petty disagreements. However, if the estrangement is due to abuse, no matter if it was on the part of the parents or the child, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the abuse, sincere remorse and a commitment to change (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Reconciliation Between Parents and an Adult Child

Estrangements can be difficult to reconcile.

Here are some things you might want to consider:

• Why You Want to Reconcile: Your attitude and underlying reasons for wanting a reconciliation can make all the difference between a successful reconciliation and a failed attempt at reconciliation. The best reason is that you miss them and you want them back in your life. One of the worst reasons for wanting a reconciliation is that the estrangement causes you shame and embarrassment among friends and relatives. If your concern about how others see you is your primary reason, dig deeper and see whether you can focus on having a healthy relationship between the two of you and not about how you look to others.

• Be Ready to Listen to What They Have to Say: You might have a lot to say, but listening with an open mind is also important under most circumstances.

• Reassess an Attitude That Something is Owed to You: Whether you're an adult child or a parent of an adult child, reassess an attitude that the other person owes something to you. 

• Remember: It's a Process: Reconciling estrangements can take time. If the issues are large, don't expect one or two conversations to resolve everything. Be patient, tactful and kind. 

What If a Reconciliation Isn't Possible?

One or both of you might decide that reconciliation isn't possible.

If you're the one who wants the reconciliation, this can be very painful. But, ultimately, you have to accept this decision and, eventually, after you have grieved, learn to move on to live your best life.

If you're the one who doesn't want reconciliation because you believe it would be too harmful for you--whether you are the parents or the adult child--this decision brings it's own grief and loss that can be overwhelming.

Get Help in Therapy

Whether or not you choose to reconcile is your decision. You shouldn't be coerced or shamed into it. 

Get Help in Therapy

Whether you're the one who is attempting to reconcile or you're the one who has decided against reconciliation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the process.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.