Can You Heal From Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy? Part 1

Can you heal from your trauma without therapy? 

Can You Heal From Trauma Without Psychotherapy?

The answer is a qualified yes under certain circumstances.

Since this is a big topic, I'll get discuss some self-help techniques in Part 2 of this topic and the exceptions to healing from trauma on your own.

Barriers to Psychotherapy

First, I want to acknowledge that there can be significant barriers to therapy for many people.

It's understandable that these barriers are some of the reasons why people with unresolved trauma often want to try to heal on their own. 

These barriers include:

Financial and Logistical Barriers

• Shortage of Therapists: Many regions in the US, especially in rural areas, have a shortage of mental health professionals. You can do online therapy with a licensed therapist within your state so you don't have to go to the therapist's office in person, but there still aren't enough therapists for all the people who need therapy. Even if New York City, the demand for therapists is higher than the available therapists. This often means there are long waiting lists or, worse still, people can't access therapy at all.

• Finding An In-Network Therapist on Your Insurance Plan: Even if you have health care insurance, finding an in-network therapist can be difficult--even in New York City where there are hundreds of therapists. If you're trying to use your in-network health insurance, you might discover that the list of therapists from the insurance company is out of date. When I worked as an EAP counselor in New York and I tried to find in-network therapists for clients, I kept coming up against this problem. There were times when I discovered that psychotherapists and psychiatrists listed on the panel were dead for 10 years or more. So, you can't always rely on that information. Then, even if you do find a therapist who is in your network, they are often completely booked up. Another barrier is that, even if you get an appointment with an in-network therapist, they usually see 30-40 clients per week, so you're often getting a therapist who is overworked and underpaid by the insurance company. There is a high percentage of therapist burnout among psychotherapists who take insurance due to the high volume of clients they need to see to make a living and the administrative burdens the insurance company places on them.

• Finding An Out of Network Therapist: You're more likely to find an out of network therapist because highly trained, experienced therapists don't want to deal with the challenges of being an in-network therapist (low insurance reimbursement rates, a lot of paperwork, lengthy waits to get paid by the insurance company and intrusive insurance audits where the insurance company asks for private information about clients' treatment). The problem with a lot of out of network therapy is that it can be expensive and, if you don't have an out of network benefit or a health savings plan, the cost adds up, especially if the therapist doesn't offer reduced fees to qualified clients.

• Time and Schedule Constraints: Balancing therapy, which is usually once a week, can be difficult with work demands, child care issues or other responsibilities.

• Transportation Issues: New York City has a good public transportation system, but in many other areas there isn't reliable transportation to get to a therapist's office.

Cultural and Social Barriers

• Social Stigma: Although going to therapy has less of a stigma than it used to in the past, many people still see going to therapy as a "weakness". So, this stigma can keep many people out of therapy (see my article: Common Myths About Therapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

Barriers to Psychotherapy

• Lack of Cultural Competence and Humility: There is a shortage of therapists who understand specific cultural backgrounds, racial realities, LGBTQ+ issues and other related cultural issues. Outside of major cities, like New York City, this can leave people in certain cultural groups feeling underrepresented and misunderstood. 

• Language Barriers: Individuals who speak a language other than English can have a hard time finding therapists who are capable of conducting a therapy session in their language, especially in smaller cities.

• An Emphasis on Self Reliance: As I mentioned in a prior article, certain cultures and generations place a strong emphasis on handling problems on your own. These individuals often view therapy as an unnecessary reliance on strangers.

Emotional and Psychological Barriers

• Fear of Vulnerability: Many people find it difficult to open up to talk about personal problems, unresolved trauma or suppressed emotions with a stranger. For these individuals talking to a therapist brings up anxiety.

Barriers to Psychotherapy 

• Denial About Problems: Many individuals are in denial about their problems or unresolved trauma. Despite the problems they are having in their current life, they convince themselves that their problems aren't serious enough to get help. They might even point to others they think have far worse problems (see my article: The Problem With Comparative Suffering).

• Distrust Due to Bad Experiences From the Past: If a person has had bad experiences within the health care system in the past, they might have difficulty seeking help with emotional issues.

• Fear Problems Will Get Worse in Therapy: Some people avoid therapy because they fear their problems will get worse in therapy. They fear that their unresolved buried trauma will cause them to lose control before they can work through their issues.

Next Article: Can You Heal Your Trauma Without Psychotherapy - Part 2

About Me 

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Works Therapy, EFT for couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a 10-15 minute free telephone call before setting up a first appointment. 

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a common psychological condition; however, unfortunately, there are many misconceptions about anxiety (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

Anxiety is a treatable and legitimate condition--not a sign of personal weakness. 

Over 40 million adults experience some form of anxiety annually in the United States.

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• Anxiety Isn't An Overreaction or Being "Dramatic": Anxiety disorders are mental health diagnoses that are real. 

• Anxiety Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can develop an anxiety disorder. It's not a sign of weakness and shouldn't be stigmatized. 

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It" or "Relax": Anxiety isn't a voluntary condition. It requires help from a mental health professional.

• Avoiding Triggers Won't Cure Anxiety: Avoiding triggers can reinforce anxiety and make it worse over time. It requires active mental health treatment from a qualified licensed mental health professional (see my article: Avoidance Coping as a Maladaptive "Coping" Strategy).

• Anxiety Isn't in Your Mind: Anxiety includes physical and mental health symptoms which can include panic, racing heart, feeling dizzy, nausea and so on.

• Medication Isn't the Only Treatment: Psychotherapy, lifestyle changes and self care are often effective without medication. Each person who experiences anxiety needs to be assessed for their particular symptoms and their particular mental health needs, which might include medication. 

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. An assessment and diagnosis needs to be made by a qualified medical or mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

Anxiety can include many different types of anxiety-related diagnoses including panic attacks, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and generalized anxiety to name a few (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety

If you have been experiencing anxiety, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Developing the tools and strategies to cope with anxiety and getting to the underlying issues can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To schedule a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Debunking Myths About Depression

What is a Trauma Therapist? 

Posttraumatic Growth

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Depression is one of the most common diagnoses in the United States and, yet, it's a diagnosis that is still poorly understood with many misconceptions (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), more than 21 million people had at least one depressive episode in 2020. However, people who are depressed continue to be stigmatized because misconceptions about depression persist.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Depression symptoms involve a persistent low mood or loss of interest in activities lasting two weeks or more as well as some or all of the symptoms mentioned below.

The following are among the symptoms that can be depression, but a differential diagnosis must be made by a skilled mental health professional:

• Feeling Down or Empty: A feeling that does not go away
• Loss of interest in activities that were enjoyable before: Anhedonia
• Hopelessness/Pessimism: A bleak outlook about the future
• Feelings of Worthlessness/Guilt: Intense feelings of failure or self blame
• Irritability and Restlessness: Particularly common in men
• Suicidal Thoughts: Thoughts of death or self harm
• Fatigue: Extreme lack of energy or feeling "slowed down"
• Appetite/Weight Changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain; increased or decreased appetite
• Physical Pain: Headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not improve with treatment
• Reduced Concentration: Difficulty focusing, remembering or making decisions
• Social Isolation: Withdrawing from friends and loved ones

Symptoms in Different Groups:

Men: Men are more likely to show anger, irritability, aggression and more likely to engage in high-risk activities.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

Women: Women may experience symptoms related to menstrual cycles (e.g., Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

Children/Teens: Children and teens may exhibit irritability, outbursts or poor performance in school--although some children and teens don't exhibit these symptoms.

When to Seek Help Immediately

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately by calling 911 or going to your nearest emergency room.

Common Myths About Depression Debunked

• Depression Isn't All in Your Head: Depression is a biological, social and psychological disorder. It can be chronic and requires psychological treatment. 

• Depression Isn't Only Brought On By a Traumatic Event: A traumatic event isn't necessarily the cause of depression. For example, while experiencing grief is common, someone who is depressed can experience symptoms for a longer period of time than someone who has a loss but who isn't depressed. 

• Medication Alone Doesn't Always Help Depression: The best combination of treatment is often a combination of psychotherapy and, if needed, medication.

Debunking Common Myths About Depression

• You Can't Just "Snap Out of It": Depression isn't a choice. You can't just "snap out of it" with positive thinking (see my article: What is Toxic Positivity?).

• Depression Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone: There is no one-size-fits-all experience of depression. Each person can have different symptoms and a different experience.

• Depression Isn't the Same as Feeling Sad: Feeling sad and being depressed are two different things. Feeling sad or "down" usually doesn't last as long as a depressive episode. 

• Depression Isn't a Sign of Weakness: Anyone can experience depression. Depression is a biological and psychological condition that has nothing to do with being "weak" or "strong".

• Talking About Depression Doesn't Make It Worse: Working with a skilled mental health professional can help to provide clarity and hope. Silence perpetuates the stigma against depression and can increase feelings of isolation.

Note: The purpose of this article is only to provide information. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a mental health professional who has an expertise in working with individuals who experience depression.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

As a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, I'm seeing more men seeking help now than I did 20 years ago, but many men are still reluctant to get help in therapy when they need it.

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy?

According to a 2020 survey, even though more men seek help now than before, there are many men who need help who don't seek it. In addition, fewer men seek help in  therapy compared to women.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

Even though many well-known male athletes and celebrities have spoken openly about seeking help in therapy, there's still a stigma about men seeking help (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

Here are some of the most common reasons why men avoid getting help in therapy:

• A belief they must conform to traditional gender roles and that "being a man" means never showing emotional vulnerability

• They don't know how to show emotional vulnerability

• They're not sure what they feel

• Even if they know what they feel, they don't know how to talk about it

• A belief that going to therapy means they're "weak" (see my article: A Common Myth: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

• Going to therapy makes them feel ashamed (see my article: Overcoming Shame)

• Going to therapy makes them feel embarrassed

• A belief they should know how to handle their problems on their own without getting help

• Psychotherapy is out of reach for them due to a lack of mental health services in their area or they can't afford it (in New York there are sliding scale therapy services in psychotherapy institutes with therapists in training who are supervised by senior therapists, including Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy which also takes some health insurance).

How Can Men Learn to Talk About Their Problems?

Over the years, I have worked with many men who seek help in therapy because their partner encouraged them and, in some cases, insisted that they get help.

Here are some of the things I do to help men who seek help:

• Normalizing the Need For Help: Since I know many men don't know how to talk about their feelings, I start by trying to help them to get comfortable talking in sessions and normalizing how awkward it can be, at first, for anyone to talk to a therapist. I also provide them with psychoeducation about therapy including letting them know that many people start therapy with a degree of anxiety and ambivalence (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Creating a Safe Space in Therapy Sessions: In order for clients to feel comfortable talking in therapy, I create a safe space for them by being compassionate, nonjudgmental and going at a pace that works for them.  

• Helping Clients to Relax: For clients who are anxious, I often start the session with a breathing exercise to help them transition from wherever they came from so they can relax and be present in the room.

• Starting Wherever They Want to Start: In our culture, it's generally considered more acceptable to talk about "stress" than anxiety or depression, so a lot of men (and women too) start therapy by saying they're experiencing "stress" and they just need some tips on how to manage their stress.  I will start wherever a client feels most comfortable, so if they want to talk about ways to manage stress, I'll start there.  But what usually happens, after these clients get comfortable talking to me, is that they begin to open up and talk about what is causing them stress including problems in their relationship, problems with their children, elder care issues, issues at work, unresolved trauma and so on.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy 

• Choosing Whether or Not to Work With Goals: Some clients like to set goals early in therapy. Others feel that setting specific goals feels like too much pressure. So, I allow clients to decide how they want to work.  At the same time, I want the sessions to be meaningful to them so we might need to find a balance so the therapy doesn't just "drift" in a scattered way.

• Helping Clients to Identify Their Feelings: Many men have been raised since early childhood to suppress or ignore their feelings so that, as adults, it's difficult for them to know what they feel. Therefore, helping these clients to recognize and identify feelings is often a significant part of the work.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Using Humor and Lightheartedness: Using humor, when appropriate, can help clients to relax and open up. 

• Encouraging Self Compassion: This is an essential part of the work in therapy, especially for clients who have internalized harsh messages from early childhood about what it means to "be a man" (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Encouraging Self Care: Many men who are reluctant to get help in therapy are also reluctant to take care of their physical health and overall well-being, so encouraging self care is often an important part of the work (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Encouraging Support Outside of Therapy: The problem for many men is they don't talk to anyone about how they feel even if they have people in their life who would be supportive. In addition, many men don't have partners or close friendships, so encouraging them to develop an emotional support system outside of therapy is important (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Suicide Rates For Men

Men's mental health struggles often go undiagnosed because they avoid getting help.

In the United States, men represent about 79% of all suicides, which is four times higher than women.

Approximately 36,000 men commit suicide every year in the U.S. due to undiagnosed mental health and/or substance misuse problems.

Many of these deaths could have been prevented with professional help.

Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate help for suicidal thoughts, call 988, which is the suicide prevention lifeline or go to your nearest emergency room.

Getting Help in Therapy

The first step, which is making an appointment, is often the hardest.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled mental health professional.

Most clients who are initially reluctant to start therapy usually discover that therapy helps them to overcome their problems so they can lead a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples for a variety of issues, including trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917.742.2624 during business hours or email me.

Slut-Shaming Women and Girls is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

Slut-shaming is a form of bullying and sexual harassment of (mostly) women and girls.  It's not new--an early example of slut-shaming is in The Scarlet Letter, a novel written by Nathaniel Hawthorne which was published in 1850.  

Slut-Shaming is a Form of Bullying and Sexual Harassment

The story takes place between the years 1642-1649 in the Puritan Massachusetts Bay Colony. The main character, a young woman named Hester Prynne, has a child from a man she isn't married to and whom she refuses to identify to the local ministers who are demanding to know the father's identity.

As a result, the punishment for her "sin" is that she must stand on a scaffold in town for three hours to be shamed and ridiculed by the townspeople. In addition, she must wear the scarlet letter "A," which stands for adultery, for the rest of her life.

What is Modern Day Slut-Shaming?

Let's start by defining modern day slut-shaming (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Stop Slut-Shaming

Modern day slut-shaming is a term used for the act of judging, stigmatizing and bullying girls and women based on their appearance, sexual attitudes and their actual or perceived sexual habits. 

Although contemporary society no longer requires girls and women to stand in the town square to be shamed, current day bullies have other ways to degrade and humiliate them, including verbal harassment and cyberbullying with posts on social media.

Anyone can be slut-shamed, but teenage girls and women of all ages are usually the targets for violating sexual norms from the perspective of the harassers.  

This form of bullying and sexual harassment can occur with or without the intended target's knowledge either in person or, as mentioned before, on social media.  Unfortunately, social media provides a platform for slut-shaming which can reach millions of people.

Girls and Women Are Not Asking For It

There is often an attitude among people who engage in this form of sexual harassment that girls and women are "asking for it" by wearing certain clothes or engaging in certain sexual behavior.  This attitude is a form of misogyny.  

According to the American Association of University Women, slut-shaming is the most common form of sexual harassment in middle school.  

Schools can also, unwittingly, create the atmosphere for slut-shaming by requiring certain dress codes for girls that prohibit them from wearing clothes that reveal "too much skin," but the same schools often don't have the same dress code for boys.  

Girls in these schools are often penalized for "distracting boys" with revealing clothes.  This is a form of scapegoating and victim-blaming. It sends a dangerous message to everyone that girls are responsible for boys' "uncontrolled" behavior.  It also blames girls who are sexually harassed and assaulted by indicating that it was their own fault.  

Examples of Modern Day Slut-Shaming

The following examples represent only a few of the many ways that girls and women are slut-shamed:

• A woman who is wearing a sexy outfit is criticized (by men and women) as being a "bimbo," "hoe" and other derogatory names to her face as well as behind her back.

• A woman who enjoys sex is degraded verbally to her face as well as being gossiped behind her back.

• A woman who has an extensive sexual history is verbally attacked by her boyfriend (or spouse) in an unrelated argument.

Stop Slut-Shaming

• A woman discovers that a former boyfriend placed a sex video of them on social media without her consent (see my article: What is Revenge Porn?).

• A high school girl, who is about to text her boyfriend with a sexy picture of herself, is shamed by her friend.

• A middle school girl comes to class one day and discovers her classmates are gossiping about her because a boy she dated revealed she allowed him to touch her breasts.  At the same time, this boy is praised by his male friends for the same acts for which the girl is denigrated.

• A high school girl discovers that her classmates are criticizing her sex life on social media.

The SlutWalk and #MeToo Movement: Reclaiming the Word "Slut"

Even celebrities aren't immune from slut-shaming.  Some of the most visible cases of slut-shaming on social media have included celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Ariana Grande and Amber Rose.

After she was slut-shamed by her former husband, Amber Rose created the SlutWalk in 2015 where she gave a speech to talk about her personal experience.  In addition, she has spoken out publicly about the purpose of the Slutwalk as giving women a voice for gender equality and to address sexual injustice, victim blaming and derogatory labeling.

The Slutwalk is one way that women have reclaimed the word "slut." With regard to the origin of the word, it seems to have been used originally by English poet Geoffrey Chaucer who used the word "sluttish" in the 14th century to describe untidy men.  Eventually, "slut" was attributed to kitchen maids and "dirty women" and was followed by the more contemporary sexual connotation that has been used to scapegoat women in general.

The reclaiming of the word "slut" is intended to deal with external misogyny as well as the internalized misogyny experienced by women.

The Slutwalk also provides a way for women to tell their own stories and provides words of empowerment for other women who have endured this form of sexual harassment.  It has become an international movement which calls for the end of rape culture, victim blaming and slut-shaming.

The #MeToo movement has also served to empower women and raise people's awareness about sexual harassment and sexual violence.

The Psychological Effects of Slut-Shaming

The psychological effects of slut-shaming can be traumatic and long lasting.

Slut-shaming has been linked to 

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Feelings of guilt and shame 
• Problems with body image
• Low self esteem
• sexual anxiety
  
• Sexual guilt
• Suicidal ideation
• Suicide 

Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have experienced slut-shaming, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in helping clients overcome psychological trauma.

Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome trauma, rebuild your confidence and improve your overall well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Can Modern Day Age-Gap Relationships Last?

The term "age-gap relationships" refers to relationships where the age difference is at least 10 years or more.  These type of relationships are also called "May-December" relationships.

Age-Gap Relationship: Older Woman With Younger Man

Growing Social Acceptance, But There is Still Some Social Disapproval

There is growing social acceptance for age-gap relationships because many people believe that "age is just a number." They don't see the age difference as a deal breaker.  

In addition, people are generally living longer and healthier lives so they can enter into new relationships more easily than people from past generations.

There are also famous examples of relationships where there is a large age gap, including French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is almost 25 years older than him. And, as of this writing, they have been married for 15 years.  

Despite growing acceptance, there is still significant social disapproval and a stigma against age-gap relationships.  An individual's sex, culture and age are determining factors as to whether someone approves or disapproves of these relationships.

Although most people prefer to be with someone close to their own age, in the Western world, it has been estimated that approximately 8% of heterosexual relationships are age-gap relationships with an age difference of 10 years or more.  

Historically, age-gap relationships have involved older men with younger women.  But there are now more older women and younger men who are entering into these relationships (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

There are also gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender age-gap relationships, but there's not as much research about them.  Hopefully, there will be more research in the future.

Why is There Still a Stigma Against Age-Gap Relationships?

A stigma still exists based on a long history of suspicion about relationships where there is a big age difference.  

Age-Gap Relationships: Younger Woman With Older Man

The most common reason for this stigma is the perception that one of the people (either older or younger) is using and taking advantage of the other person.

If it's an older man and a younger woman, many people believe he's "creepy" and going through a midlife crisis, and she's a "gold digger."  

If it's an older woman and a younger man, many people believe that he's a "gold digger" and she's having a midlife crisis and trying to recapture her youth.

Underlying some of this judgement and criticism might be a lack of understanding about what brings two people together--regardless of their chronological age.

In addition, there might also be an element of envy among people who are living a more conventional life and who secretly wish they could live outside the confines of tradition.

What Are the Possible Advantages and Disadvantages of Age-Gap Relationships

It's important to recognize that, just like any two people, the individuals in an age-gap relationship are unique individuals in particular circumstances.  So, what works for one couple might not work for another.  

At the same time, generally speaking, there can be certain challenges and benefits to these relationships.

    

    Possible Challenges:

• Different Life Stages:  This is probably the biggest perceived challenge of age-gap relationships.  Although this isn't necessarily a challenge for every relationship where there is a big age difference, it can be a challenge for others.  For instance, there is often a challenge if one person wants to have children and the other has already had children and doesn't want any more or they are unable to have children due to age (although there are now medical advances to address infertility and other options, like adoption).  If children aren't a consideration, different life stages can be easier for the couple to negotiate.

• Power Dynamics: When there's a significant age difference, there could be problems with power dynamics with the older person, who has more life experience and who might have more money and professional success, having more power in the relationship than the younger person (regardless of sex, race or sexual orientation).  However, this is an issue that can be worked out if the couple is aware of it, communicates well and makes an effort to change it.

    Possible Benefits:

• Living Longer: Some people in age-gap relationships live longer.  This might be due to a healthier outlook on life as well as a younger partner's ability to take care of the older partner later in life.

• Many Younger Men Prefer Older Women (and vice versa): Younger men who are in relationships with older women often say they prefer older women because they have more life experience, and they tend to be more confident, assertive and mature. Also, older women often know what they want both in and out of bed and usually have more sexual experience than younger women (see my articles: Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Remain Sexually Active).  In addition, many older women say they get along better with younger men, who have the same youthful outlook as they do.  They also see younger men as healthier more energetic than most older men.  In addition, older women and younger men are often more sexually compatible.

• Many Younger Women Prefer Older Men (and vice versa): Similar to younger men who prefer older women, younger women, who are attracted to older men, often say that older men offer more emotional and financial stability.  As compared to younger men, older men are often established in their career and they have more time for relationships.  Also, since they are no longer focused on building a career, they often have more time for relationships.  Similarly, older men often prefer the company of younger women because of their youthful outlook and appearance.  Also, they can still have children.

Reframing Concepts Related to Age-Gap Relationships

People who in age-gap relationships are usually well aware of the social disapproval and stigma associated with their relationships.  

In certain situations, the adult children of the older person attempt to interfere with the relationship because they fear their parent is being taken advantage of (as previously mentioned) or that they will lose their inheritance to the parent's younger partner.  The older partner would be wise to address these issues directly with his or her adult children instead of allowing suspicion and resentment to grow.

Social disapproval, stigma and family conflict often mean that there can be conflict within the relationship due to external pressure.  But if the couple is able to work on and transcend these difficulties, they can build a stronger relationship.  

Tips on How You Can Have a Lasting Age-Gap Relationship

While there are no guarantees for any relationship, regardless of age, these tips can help a couple to have a happier relationship when there's a big age difference:

• Share Your Expectations With Each Other: Knowing what you each want and expect can be helpful for navigating the differences in an age-gap relationship.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments.

• Embrace Your Differences: Regardless of age, there will be differences between two people in any relationship.  Every couple is unique.  If you both know, accept and appreciate that you're each at different stages of life, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

• Focus on Mutual Interests: You and your partner might have come together initially because of mutual interests.  When you enjoy these interests and activities together, you can both enjoy each other more than if you're focused on your age difference.

• Be Willing to Explore Your Partner's World: Your partner might have a unique perspective in certain areas.  A willingness to explore those perspectives can make life more interesting and exciting.  It can also help you to grow and bring the two of you closer together.

• Talk About Possible Caretaking of an Older Partner: Rather than shying away from this challenging issue, talk about it in advance.  Know what you each want and expect and what would be involved.

Conclusion

Although there is still some social disapproval, there is growing acceptance of age-gap relationships in our society.

In the end, it all comes down to the two individuals in the relationship.  

Talking about your expectations, embracing your differences, focusing on mutual interests, showing a willingness to explore your partner's perspectives, and talking about real life issues involved when there is an age difference can contribute to the success of an age-gap relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples in traditional and non-traditional relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy

May is Mental Health Awareness month.  As part of Mental Health Awareness month, The National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) has chosen the theme of reducing the stigma of mental illness, "Cure Stigma" as its theme this year to acknowledge that a stigma still exists for people with mental illness as well as a stigma for getting help in therapy. In addition, NAMI also to provides information, encourages people to get help, and provides advocacy for people with mental health problems.

Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy

Treating Physical Symptoms Instead of the Underlying Emotional Problems at the Root of the Problem
Research has shown that one in every five Americans has a mental health problem, but many of these same people suffer in silence and never get help.

As a result their symptoms often get worse or develop into physical symptoms.  For instance, a person with untreated anxiety might develop headaches, backaches, digestive problems, insomnia or other physical problems.

Whereas this person might feel ashamed to get help for his anxiety, he feels much more comfortable seeing his primary care doctor about his physical symptoms because there's no stigma about the physical symptoms.

What Are the Consequences of Treating Physical Symptoms Instead of Treating the Underlying Emotional Problems at the Root of the Problem?
With regard to the example above, it's this person's doctor might treat only the anxiety-related physical symptoms without ever treating the underlying anxiety.

The doctor might provide this person with anti-anxiety medication for insomnia, which might help the insomnia, but then the underlying anxiety can manifest in another symptom--like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

At that point, the primary care doctor might refer the patient to a GI doctor, who might send this same patient for a CT scan to rule out any serious internal problems.   Finding none, the GI doctor will probably prescribe a different type of medication for the IBS to control the symptoms.

This can go on for quite some time as the anxiety-related symptoms manifest in all different physical symptoms because none of the doctors are dealing with the underlying emotional problem, which is anxiety, that is at the root of the physical problems.

But if someone with similar problems happens to have a primary care doctor who is trained to know that psychological problems are often at the root of medical problems, after the doctor has ruled out more serious physical problems, the doctor will advise the patient to get help in therapy.

Why is There Still a Stigma For Getting Help in Therapy?
Although it's now somewhat more acceptable for people to get help in therapy, many people, who need help, are afraid to seek the assistance that they need for a variety of reasons related to the stigma of going to therapy:

• They judge themselves harshly for needing help and feel ashamed.
• They believe they should just "get over" their problems.
• They believe they would be "self indulgent" or "too self centered" if they went to therapy.
• They believe only rich people attend therapy.
• They think that only "crazy" people seek help in therapy.
• They believe, far from being real, their problems are only in their imagination.
• They feel they don't deserve help.
• They believe that they must be "weak" if they need help (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").
• They believe they will have to remain in therapy for a long time to overcome their problems (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).
• They're worried about what their family and friends might say if they found out that went for help in therapy.
• They believe the therapist will judge them.
• They don't know about Federal confidentiality laws, so they believe that their therapist might tell their employer or other people about the problems they discuss in therapy.
• They believe that going to see a therapist means they're paying the therapist to be their "friend," which makes them feel ashamed because they believe a therapist couldn't actually care about them.

What Can You Do to Reduce Your Fear of Getting Help in Therapy?

• Know that you're not alone.  There are skilled mental health professionals who can help you.
• Know that a skilled therapist has experience helping other clients with similar problems to yours and she won't judge you for your problems.
• Know that a licensed psychotherapist can't divulge your information under Federal law without your written consent unless you're an active harm to yourself or others (you have a thought, intent and plan to hurt yourself or someone else and you refuse to make an agreement with your therapist not to take action) or you're engaging in child abuse (psychotherapists are mandated reporters and must report child abuse to the state).
• Know that seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "weak."
• Know that seeking help in therapy doesn't mean you're "crazy."
• Know that everyone needs help at some point in their lives and everyone is deserving of help.
• Talk to trusted family and friends who would be supportive of your getting help.
• Know that you can see a psychotherapist for an initial consultation to see if you feel comfortable with her and to obtain psychoeducation about how therapy works (see my article: Why It's Important for Psychotherapists to Provide Psychoeducation About How Therapy Works).
• Know that you decide what your therapy goals are, you're in charge of your therapy and you can go for as long as you want to go.
• Most psychotherapists are empathetic towards their clients' suffering.  You're not paying them to be your "friend."  You're paying them for their expertise and time to help you to help yourself.

Conclusion
There are many reasons why people avoid going to therapy even though they would benefit from it.

Although it's considered much more acceptable to go to therapy now than it was in the past, there is still a stigma among some people about going to therapy.

Psychoeducation about psychotherapy is important, and you can consult with one or more psychotherapists to get this information and see which therapist is right for you.

Rather than suffering on your own and risking that your problems will get worse, you would benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional so you can resolve your problems and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), recognized as the leading couples therapy, when I work with couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.