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In his book, Can Love Last: The Fate of Romance Over Time, psychologist Stephen A. Mitchell posits that the Madonna-Whore Complex is still alive and well for many heterosexual men more than 200 years after Sigmund Freud identified this complex. Specifically, men who experience women in terms of the Madonna-Whore Complex either see a woman as being lovable or erotic, but not both.
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| The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex |
According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud initially identified this complex in a 1912 paper he wrote whose title is translated as "The Most Prevalent Form of Degradation in Erotic Life."
According to Freud, men who experience "psychic impotence," which is sexual impotence that occurs due to psychological reasons (as opposed to physical reasons), often experience this split in how they view women as being either a "good woman" or a "whore."
According to Dr. Mitchell, Freud explains this complex as follows: Where such men love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love.
So, according to Freud, it's love that ultimately causes a reduction in sexual desire for these men. Similarly, when they experience sexual desire for a woman, they have problems loving her. So, therein lies the split.
In other words, these men, who experience this split as a woman being either lovable or erotic, have difficulty integrating their feelings of love and sexual desire for the same woman.
Needless to say, this complex has serious implications for committed relationships because relationships require both love and sexual desire.
If these men are in a committed relationship with a woman they love, over time their sexual desire for this woman wanes and the sexual relationship feels dull and boring. Consequently, over time, they also see their wives and girlfriends as being "respectable" but dull, which adds to their sexual boredom in that relationship.
Love Without Sexual Desire and Sexual Desire Without Love
Love without sexual desire can feel tender and emotionally secure, but it lacks the sexual passion needed in a committed relationship.
Sexual desire without love has passion, but it lacks the emotional intimacy and security needed in a committed relationship.
In order to experience sexual excitement, these men need to go outside their relationship to have an affair with a woman they don't love. Then they're able to experience sexual excitement because they have enough psychological distance and there's enough sexual objectification to get excited.
The Modern Day Version of the Madonna-Whore Complex
Although in Freud's time women who were considered "madonnas" were seen as saintly and women who were considered "whores" were equated with prostitutes, according to Dr. Mitchell, for many men today the modern day Madonna-Whore Complex is a modified version of the one from Freud's Victorian era.
Dr. Mitchell posits that many men currently perceive the woman they're in love with as being "nice," which is equivalent to the Madonna in the Victorian era. These men eventually experience their long term relationship as dull and boring. This is especially true for many men after their wife has a baby. Unconsciously, these men's feelings towards their wife changes once she becomes a mother (i.e., a "madonna") because they're unable to see her in an erotic way.
The modern day version of the "whore" from Victorian times is now called a "slut" (although this word has been reclaimed by some women). These men can develop erotic feelings for women they consider "sluts," but they usually can't feel affection for these same women. Hence, the split between the "nice woman" and the "slut."
The modern version of the Madonna-Whore Complex, from the perspective of men who experience this dynamic, divides women into "nice women" who men marry and "sluts" who are desperate for sex and who can be eroticized for hook ups.
After a brief time, these men often look down upon the women they hook up with and return to their "nice" girlfriend or wife to repeat the cycle until they feel sexually bored again and act out sexually once again outside the relationship.
Dr. Mitchell provides many case vignettes in his book to show how the modern day version of this misogynistic split plays out in many men's lives today and how it affects their committed relationships.
The Downside of the Madonna-Whore Complex in Relationships
The most notable downside of this phenomenon for relationships is that the longer a couple is together, the less intense their sex life will be.
Complicating matters, according to Dr. Mitchell, is an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety and the pull for the opposite--the need for sexual adventure. He explains that an over-emphasis on the need for emotional safety in a long term relationship can lead to a dulling of sexual passion in that relationship.
So, in these cases, sexual passion is sacrificed for emotional safety which makes sex boring in the committed relationship, and it also makes sexual affairs more tempting because these people will seek sexual passion outside the relationship.
The obvious downside for women is that they're not perceived as whole people who can be loved and sexually desired. Also, as previously noted, this complex has an inherent misogynistic bias against women who are either "nice" and boring or "sluts" and exciting (although, eventually, both the "nice" women and the exciting women are degraded in these men's eyes).
Women Can Also Experience the Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and the Need for Sexual Adventure
Although the focus in the Madonna-Whore Complex is on heterosexual men, there are also heterosexual women who experience this split.
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| A Split Between the Need For Emotional Safety and Adventure |
For instance, a wife, who has a strong need for emotional safety can behave in a nurturing and "motherly" way towards her husband. This, in turn, de-masculinizes her partner, which makes her feel sexually turned off to him because she has placed him in a childlike role.
This same woman will see her husband as sexually boring and long for sexual passion outside her relationship. To make matters worse, a woman who experiences this split usually is unaware that she has created it in much the same way as her male counterpart who experiences the Madonna-Whore Complex.
With regard to these women, to paraphrase Freud: Where she loves, she cannot desire, and where she desires, she cannot love.
It's important to note that this type of split is usually unconscious for both men and women. Also, when the need for emotional safety leads to an individual de-sexualizing their partner, this is also usually unconscious.
It's equally important to note that, although the Madonna-Whore Complex is common, it's not everyone's experience. There are many people who can have committed long term relationships where they don't experience the split discussed in this article. Instead, they can experience both love and sexual passion with the same person.
In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the Madonna-Whore Complex in relationships: The Paradox of Love and Desire in a Committed Relationship.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you want to change how you relate to a romantic partner or if you recognize that you're caught in a split between emotional safety and sexual adventure, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to have a healthier, more integrated relationship where you can have both love and sexual passion in your committed relationship.
So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.
