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This is the third article in a series about the topic of getting on the same page with your partner (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page? and Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).
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| How to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner |
If you want your relationship to succeed, you and your partner need to get on the same wavelength, if possible. I say "if possible" because sometimes each individual's needs are so different that they can't get on the same page.
In that case, it's better to acknowledge this and end the relationship. But assuming that each person's needs aren't so divergent, there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.
5 Steps to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner
Although these steps are presented as 5 steps, each of these steps can be challenging:
- Eliminate Unhealthy Patterns of Communicating: Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman coined a phrase called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which describes four unhealthy patterns that often lead to the demise of relationships. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Improve Communication: Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse).
- Develop Healthy Patterns of Communicating: Develop active listening skills (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening Skills for a detailed explanation of what active listening is and how to do it.)
- Set Short Term and Long Term Relationship Goals: Relationship goals are important. A short term goal might be how you'll solve a relatively simple problem in your relationship. Long term goals could include having children, buying a home, and so on. Talking about your relationship goals will probably involve some compromise, as long as you don't compromise things you know are essential to your well-being. Your short term goals will probably also include interim steps to take towards your long term goals (see my articles: 7 Tips For Creating Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship and 10 Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship).
- Develop Trust and Respect For Each Other: Trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Just like a building won't stand without a good foundation, a relationship won't last without the healthy foundation of trust and respect. In some relationships where there has been infidelity or some other form of betrayal, if the couple decides they want to stay together, they need to build back trust. This can take a long time, and there are times when, despite each person's best efforts, too much damage has been done and trust can't be rebuilt. But assuming the partner who created the mistrust does the work to actually change, a couple can rebuild trust and respect (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).
- Learn to Compromise But Not Self Sacrifice: As previously mentioned, compromise is an essential part of any relationship--as long as you know what you need for your well-being and you're not sacrificing things that are essential to you (see my article: Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing?)
Seek Help in Therapy
Although I summarized these five steps in one article, as previously mentioned, taking these steps aren't easy.
There are times when, despite your best efforts, you and your partner encounter obstacles that you can't overcome on your own.
When you encounter obstacles, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with relationship problems.
In couples therapy, you'll both learn valuable skills so you can have a healthy and happy relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individuals and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.
