Can Modern Day Age-Gap Relationships Last?

The term "age-gap relationships" refers to relationships where the age difference is at least 10 years or more.  These type of relationships are also called "May-December" relationships.

Age-Gap Relationship: Older Woman With Younger Man

Growing Social Acceptance, But There is Still Some Social Disapproval

There is growing social acceptance for age-gap relationships because many people believe that "age is just a number." They don't see the age difference as a deal breaker.  

In addition, people are generally living longer and healthier lives so they can enter into new relationships more easily than people from past generations.

There are also famous examples of relationships where there is a large age gap, including French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is almost 25 years older than him. And, as of this writing, they have been married for 15 years.  

Despite growing acceptance, there is still significant social disapproval and a stigma against age-gap relationships.  An individual's sex, culture and age are determining factors as to whether someone approves or disapproves of these relationships.

Although most people prefer to be with someone close to their own age, in the Western world, it has been estimated that approximately 8% of heterosexual relationships are age-gap relationships with an age difference of 10 years or more.  

Historically, age-gap relationships have involved older men with younger women.  But there are now more older women and younger men who are entering into these relationships (see my articles: Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

There are also gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender age-gap relationships, but there's not as much research about them.  Hopefully, there will be more research in the future.

Why is There Still a Stigma Against Age-Gap Relationships?

A stigma still exists based on a long history of suspicion about relationships where there is a big age difference.  

Age-Gap Relationships: Younger Woman With Older Man

The most common reason for this stigma is the perception that one of the people (either older or younger) is using and taking advantage of the other person.

If it's an older man and a younger woman, many people believe he's "creepy" and going through a midlife crisis, and she's a "gold digger."  

If it's an older woman and a younger man, many people believe that he's a "gold digger" and she's having a midlife crisis and trying to recapture her youth.

Underlying some of this judgement and criticism might be a lack of understanding about what brings two people together--regardless of their chronological age.

In addition, there might also be an element of envy among people who are living a more conventional life and who secretly wish they could live outside the confines of tradition.

What Are the Possible Advantages and Disadvantages of Age-Gap Relationships

It's important to recognize that, just like any two people, the individuals in an age-gap relationship are unique individuals in particular circumstances.  So, what works for one couple might not work for another.  

At the same time, generally speaking, there can be certain challenges and benefits to these relationships.

    

    Possible Challenges:

• Different Life Stages:  This is probably the biggest perceived challenge of age-gap relationships.  Although this isn't necessarily a challenge for every relationship where there is a big age difference, it can be a challenge for others.  For instance, there is often a challenge if one person wants to have children and the other has already had children and doesn't want any more or they are unable to have children due to age (although there are now medical advances to address infertility and other options, like adoption).  If children aren't a consideration, different life stages can be easier for the couple to negotiate.

• Power Dynamics: When there's a significant age difference, there could be problems with power dynamics with the older person, who has more life experience and who might have more money and professional success, having more power in the relationship than the younger person (regardless of sex, race or sexual orientation).  However, this is an issue that can be worked out if the couple is aware of it, communicates well and makes an effort to change it.

    Possible Benefits:

• Living Longer: Some people in age-gap relationships live longer.  This might be due to a healthier outlook on life as well as a younger partner's ability to take care of the older partner later in life.

• Many Younger Men Prefer Older Women (and vice versa): Younger men who are in relationships with older women often say they prefer older women because they have more life experience, and they tend to be more confident, assertive and mature. Also, older women often know what they want both in and out of bed and usually have more sexual experience than younger women (see my articles: Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Remain Sexually Active).  In addition, many older women say they get along better with younger men, who have the same youthful outlook as they do.  They also see younger men as healthier more energetic than most older men.  In addition, older women and younger men are often more sexually compatible.

• Many Younger Women Prefer Older Men (and vice versa): Similar to younger men who prefer older women, younger women, who are attracted to older men, often say that older men offer more emotional and financial stability.  As compared to younger men, older men are often established in their career and they have more time for relationships.  Also, since they are no longer focused on building a career, they often have more time for relationships.  Similarly, older men often prefer the company of younger women because of their youthful outlook and appearance.  Also, they can still have children.

Reframing Concepts Related to Age-Gap Relationships

People who in age-gap relationships are usually well aware of the social disapproval and stigma associated with their relationships.  

In certain situations, the adult children of the older person attempt to interfere with the relationship because they fear their parent is being taken advantage of (as previously mentioned) or that they will lose their inheritance to the parent's younger partner.  The older partner would be wise to address these issues directly with his or her adult children instead of allowing suspicion and resentment to grow.

Social disapproval, stigma and family conflict often mean that there can be conflict within the relationship due to external pressure.  But if the couple is able to work on and transcend these difficulties, they can build a stronger relationship.  

Tips on How You Can Have a Lasting Age-Gap Relationship

While there are no guarantees for any relationship, regardless of age, these tips can help a couple to have a happier relationship when there's a big age difference:

• Share Your Expectations With Each Other: Knowing what you each want and expect can be helpful for navigating the differences in an age-gap relationship.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments.

• Embrace Your Differences: Regardless of age, there will be differences between two people in any relationship.  Every couple is unique.  If you both know, accept and appreciate that you're each at different stages of life, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

• Focus on Mutual Interests: You and your partner might have come together initially because of mutual interests.  When you enjoy these interests and activities together, you can both enjoy each other more than if you're focused on your age difference.

• Be Willing to Explore Your Partner's World: Your partner might have a unique perspective in certain areas.  A willingness to explore those perspectives can make life more interesting and exciting.  It can also help you to grow and bring the two of you closer together.

• Talk About Possible Caretaking of an Older Partner: Rather than shying away from this challenging issue, talk about it in advance.  Know what you each want and expect and what would be involved.

Conclusion

Although there is still some social disapproval, there is growing acceptance of age-gap relationships in our society.

In the end, it all comes down to the two individuals in the relationship.  

Talking about your expectations, embracing your differences, focusing on mutual interests, showing a willingness to explore your partner's perspectives, and talking about real life issues involved when there is an age difference can contribute to the success of an age-gap relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples in traditional and non-traditional relationships (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 2: Issues to Consider

When it comes to age difference, relationships between older men and younger women tend to be more common than relationships between older women and younger men. But relationships between older women and younger men aren't as unusual these days as they used to be in the past (see my articles:  Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active and Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Men - Part 1).

Relationships Between Older Woman and Younger Me

Relationships between older women and younger men have become increasingly more popular as people view age as less an indicator of compatibility as compared to compatibility with regard to interests, values and life goals.

With more high profile relationships of older women and younger men in public view, there's less of a stigma about these relationships than there used to be.  For instance, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, have a 25 year age difference and they've been married for over 10 years.

Questions to Consider When There is a Significant Difference in Age Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man
While it's important not to make generalizations about age difference because every couple is unique, there are some questions that an older woman and a younger man would be wise to consider, especially if they're considering a long term relationship, as opposed to casual dating, including:

• Do they have compatible life goals?
• Do they have similar values?
• Are they compatible in terms of what each of them wants from the other (dating casually vs. a committed relationship)?
• Are they sexually compatible?
• Does the younger man, who gets into a relationship with an older woman who can no longer have children, still want children?
• Does it make a difference to the older woman that the younger man might be less mature than the older woman?
• Does the older woman take on primarily a motherly role with the younger man?
• Does the older woman tend to act superior to the younger man because she has more life experience than he does?
• How secure do each of them feel about a long term commitment as the woman gets older?

Although some of these questions, like whether each person wants to have children, could be an issue in any relationship, these issues are even more significant in a relationship between an older woman and a younger man.

A Clinical Vignette: A Relationship Between an Older Woman and a Younger Man:
The following fictionalized clinical vignette illustrates some of the issues that come up in a relationship between a younger man and an older woman:

Jane and Alex
When Jane and Alex met at a party, they hit it off immediately and they soon began dating casually. At first, neither of them were concerned about the 15 year age difference between them because they were enjoying each other's company and having fun.

But after a few months, as they developed deeper feelings for each other, Jane began to wonder if the age difference between them might make a difference in the long term.

When she raised the issue with Alex, he was somewhat surprised because he was hardly aware of their age difference.  From his perspective, "Age is only a number. Why should it matter how old either of us is if we care about each other and we're getting along?"  He told her that he didn't care that she was 57 and he was 42.  He said the age difference had no meaning to him.

Jane told him that she had no problems with the relationship at that point in time, but she worried that, in the long run, they might want different things in terms of their life goals.  So, they began having more in-depth talks about their life goals in terms of what each of them wanted in the future.

They each knew that they had similar values, so they focused their discussion on issues like family, differences in life experience and whether each of them saw the relationship working out in the long run.

Jane raised the issue that she was beyond her childbearing years, and she was concerned that Alex might want to have children one day.  In response, Alex told Jane that, although he liked children, he didn't want children of his own. He said he had always known this and it wasn't an issue for him.

Alex told Jane that he was concerned that she might become bored with him eventually since she had so much more life experience than he did.  He said he worried that she would see him as being "less manly" because of this.  In response, Jane said that she didn't mind that he had less life experience and, in fact, what she liked about him was that he was so open and enthusiastic about trying new things.

As they opened up more to each other, Jane told Alex she worried that, as she aged, he might become less attracted to her and he might prefer to be with a younger woman.  This surprised Alex because he thought Jane knew that his attraction to her went beyond looks and sex.  He told her that his attraction encompassed much more than physical attraction--it included everything about her.

As they continued their discussions, their relationship deepened and grew.  And the more they talked about these issues, the more committed each of them became to their relationship.

Even though they didn't have any major problems between them, Jane suggested that they attend couples therapy to delve deeper into these issues, and Alex readily agreed.

During their couples therapy sessions, they were able to go deeper into the issues that they were already discussing and they each developed insights they didn't have before.  They didn't need to have many sessions with their couples therapist because these sessions served to confirm to each of them that they were compatible for a long term relationship.

Since neither of them could see any reason why they shouldn't be together in a long term relationship, they decided to take their relationship to the next level and they moved in together.

Conclusion
Relationships between older women and younger men are more common today than ever before.

Every relationship, regardless of age, is different in terms of relationship goals, life goals and overall compatibility.

If an older woman and a younger man are considering the viability of a long term relationship, as opposed to a casual relationship, it's important that they communicate openly and honestly about issues that could become obstacles in the future.

Many couples find it worthwhile to explore these issues in couples therapy, even if they're not having major problems, because an experienced couples therapist can help them to delve deeper and develop new insights.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men - Part 1

I've been discussing older women's sexuality in my recent articles (see my articles: Who says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex? and Many Older Women Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution Are Still Sexually Active). In this article, I'm focusing on relationships between older women and younger men.

Relationships Between Older Women and Younger Men

The Old Double Standard About Older Women and Younger Men
More than 40 years ago, writer and feminist Susan Sontag wrote an essay for the Saturday Review called "The Double Standard of Aging" in which she called out the sexist social convention that aging enhances men's attractiveness but detracts from women. In her essay, Sontag indicated that men might be the ones who were primarily perpetuating this sexist double standard, but she also urged older women to stop acquiescing to it. 

Years later, in an attempt to explain the popularity of older women and younger men, Newsweek called 2009 "the year of the cougar."  The image of the "cougar" was an older women who was sexually obsessed and who preyed on younger men.

Not only was this description crass and disrespectful, but it painted an inaccurate picture of older women's sexuality.  In addition, it left out the real story of why many older women often prefer younger men as well as why younger men often prefer older women.  

Defining older women, who prefer younger men, as "cougars," paints a picture of older women as predatory, but this image didn't start in 2009.  As early as 1967, in "The Graduate," Anne Bancroft portrayed Mrs. Robinson as a conniving older woman who manipulated Dustin Hoffman's character, a young college graduate, into having sex with her.  

The movie and the image of the older woman who preys on young men became so popular that the term "Mrs. Robinson" became a term synonymous with sex-hungry older women who go after younger men.  

Although, in the movie, at first, Mrs. Robinson seems beautiful, sexy and sophisticated, subsequently, just below the surface, she is shown to be an older woman who is deeply troubled and unhappy.  She is revealed as a desperate, clingy woman who is someone to be pitied rather than admired. And, of course, eventually, Dustin Hoffman's character leaves her for her younger daughter.

Although the stereotypes of older women as "cougars" and Mrs. Robinson-type women have diminished, these stereotypes still prevail in certain circles, especially in sexist popular media that still seek to demean older women.

In more recent times, many older women and younger men have become more open with revealing their preferences for each other, and see these preferences as natural.  

Specifically, many older women feel more compatible with younger men because these women are still vibrant and open to new experiences and they want men who match their energy, enthusiasm and curiosity about life.  

This is not to say that older men can't be just as energetic, enthusiastic and open to new life experiences. In fact, especially among the Baby Boomer generation, many men are living healthier, more dynamic lives.  But there are fewer older men because women tend to live longer than men.  So, it makes sense that many older women would prefer younger men.

Younger men often say that they prefer older women because they're more mature than younger women.  They say that older women have more life experience than younger women--not just sexual experience, but everyday life experience.  In addition, according to many younger men, older women "know what they want" in life and, as a result, they're generally more confident because they have learned from their life experiences.  

Generally speaking, older women aren't still striving to make it in their careers or worrying about motherhood.  Many of them have already dealt with these issues and they're in the next dynamic phase of their life, all of which makes them more attractive to many younger men.

More about relationships between older women and younger men in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

In my previous article, Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?, I discussed the results of a research study which, contrary to popular opinion, revealed that many older women in their 50s, 60s and beyond still enjoy sex.  In this article, I'm focusing on the subject of older women, who were at the forefront of the Sexual Revolution, who remain sexually active.

Many Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active

Women of the Baby Boomer Generation and the Sexual Revolution
Many people forget that women in the Baby Boomer generation were at the forefront of the sexual revolution in the 1960s and 1970s.  This includes both heterosexual women and lesbians who pioneered the fight against sexism and ageism.

Despite being raised with the conventional wisdom that men should be the ones who pursue women sexually and women's role was to "submit" to men, women from the Baby Boomer generation fought against these standards as part of the Sexual Revolution.

So, why would anyone think that these same women would now go quietly and settle for a life without sex?

It wasn't so long ago that women in their 40s and beyond were considered "sexually obsolete."  And in many ways, this myth still persists.

But despite the stereotype of the older asexual woman, it should be no surprise that many women, who are now in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond are still sexually active, and many of them feel freer to enjoy sex more now than when they were younger.

Why Are Many Sexually Active Older Women Enjoying the Best Sex of Their Life?
There are many reasons why these older women are enjoying the best sex of their life, including:

• People are generally living longer and healthier lives these days, which includes older women and men who remain sexually active.
• Older adults, who are living longer lives, now think of life in later years as their "third act," which offers them more options in life.
• Women from the Baby Boomer generation are more likely to talk openly about sex still being important to them.
• Many older women, who continue to work, are now prioritizing a better work-life balance, so they have more time in their personal life for enjoying a healthy sex life.
• Older women, who no longer have responsibilities for taking care of young children, are now freer to pursue sexual activities.
• Older women, who are in their menopausal and post menopausal years, no longer worry about getting pregnant, so they can enjoy sex without this worry, which is present for younger women.
• Last but not least:  Older women are more sexually experienced and many of them know what they enjoy sexually, so they can communicate with their partners about what they desire in the bedroom. This makes sex much more pleasurable for them and their sex partners.

Challenges to Being Sexually Active as an Older Woman
All of these factors mentioned above don't rule out the challenges that some older women have with regard to sex, including: health issues that make sex difficult, an absence of sexual partners, sexual partners with erectile dysfunction, problems with lubrication during intercourse, misconceptions about older people not contracting sexually transmitted diseases, medical doctors who see older women as being asexual and who don't talk to them about their sexual health, and so on.

In future articles I'll continue the discussion about older women and sex.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed by problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist.

An experienced psychotherapist can help you to work through problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the current COVID-19 pandemic, I'm providing teletherapy sessions, also known as telemental health, online therapy and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

There are a lot of misconceptions about older women and sex, including the myth that older women (50s, 60s and beyond) don't enjoy sex.  But a recent study revealed that this just isn't true. Before the results of this study, common wisdom was that women's desire for sex diminished with age.  This is also the outcome that researchers involved with this study expected to discover (see my article: The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman).

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

But, in fact, what they discovered was that not only do many older women still want to have sex, but the main reasons why some of them don't have sex is because they no longer have a partner or the health or quality of their life isn't good. Despite these issues, many of these women still have a strong sex drive.

As part of the study, which is published in the journal, Menopause, researchers collected information from 27,357 women and followed them for 5-7 years.  The results of the study reveal that 57% of the older women in the study wanted to have more sex--not less.

This doesn't mean that this is the experience of all older women.  For instance, some menopausal and post menopausal women experience a reduction in their sex drive due to hormonal changes.

Who Says Older Women Don't Enjoy Sex?

However, in the past, it was universally assumed that this was the experience of all menopausal and post menopausal women. So, this recent study and others like it have shown that what was once considered common wisdom about older women and sex isn't true.

Use or Lose It: To Maintain a Healthy Sex Life, Being Sexually Active Helps
One of the conclusions of the study is that if older women want to maintain healthy sexual function, being sexually active is important. Researchers concluded that, just like any other part of the body, the "use it or lose it" concept applied to maintaining good sexual function.

So, to maintain good sexual function, remaining sexually active and consistent, if possible, is advisable.

I'll continue to explore the topic of older women and sexual enjoyment in future articles (see my article: Older Women, Who Were at the Forefront of the Sexual Revolution, Remain Sexually Active).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems with your sex life, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, an experienced therapist can help you to work through issues you're having about sex.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I'm providing teletherapy, which is also called online therapy, telehealth and telemental health.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing on Your Outer Looks

Although most people aren't aware of it, shame is often at the root of many emotional problems (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy and Overcoming Shame That Keeps You From Starting Therapy).  Many people focus exclusively on their appearance, in an attempt to overcome shame.  While it might help to a certain extent to deal with external issues, shame is usually deeply rooted and without getting to the root of the problem internally, it's difficult to overcome shame that's having a negative effect on your life.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Only Focusing on Your Outer Looks

People often associate shame with external issues, like their appearance.  As result, they try to overcome their shame by trying to deal with these external issues alone rather than looking within themselves to discover the internal roots of their shame.

While it would be helpful, for example, to lose weight for health reasons and it might to feel better, when someone feels ashamed of themselves, focusing only on his or her appearance usually doesn't get to the root of the problem.

Our culture, which glorifies youth and beauty, tends to shame middle aged and older men and woman, especially women.  As a result, women tend to be more susceptible to feeling shamed of themselves as they are.

For instance, older women often complain in therapy about feeling "invisible" in a world that elevates youth and denigrates aging.  And, while it's probably true that not as many people are admiring a woman who is older, as compared to when she was younger, it is also probably true that how she feels about herself and what she projects to the world contributes to this feeling of invisibility (see my article: Making Peace With the Aging Process).

The solution that many people seek, especially women, is to seek products or surgical procedures, like face lifts and breast augmentation as a way of feeling less ashamed of how they're aging.

But these products and procedures usually only give temporary, if any, relief from shame. They  reinforce the idea that you're not alright the way you are and you need to continue to make changes to your outer appearance in order to feel better about yourself.

Fictional Clinical Vignette 

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing on Your Outer Looks
The following fictional vignette illustrates these points:

Cindy
Cindy started therapy because she was suffering with debilitating shame.

A year before she sought help from a psychotherapist, Cindy contemplated having a face lift because she couldn't stand looking in the mirror and seeing that her facial skin was sagging.

But after she discussed it with her husband, who still found Cathy to be beautiful, and considering the risks of surgery, she decided against plastic surgery.

Then, Cindy focused on losing weight, even though her doctor told her that she didn't need to lose weight for health reasons.  She thought she would feel better about herself if she lost 10 pounds.  But after she lost 10 pounds, she still felt ashamed of herself.

Next, she attempted temporary non-surgical procedures and creams to firm up her facial skin.  Although the procedure combined with the weight loss reduced the appearance of sagging skin, Cindy still felt deeply ashamed and it was affecting her personal life as well as her career.

She felt so unattractive that she no longer wanted to have sex with her husband, even though he still thought she was attractive and sexy.  No amount of reassurance from her husband helped, and after a while, they began to argue about the lack of sexual intimacy in their marriage (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

At work, she no longer liked to go out on sales calls because she assumed that her customers would prefer to see a young, attractive salesperson rather than an older woman.  As a result, she was making fewer sales visits to customers and this reduced her compensation.  Her boss also complained and told her that she needed to have more customer contact to bring in business.

Not knowing what else to do, Cindy saw her medical doctor to seek advice, and he recommended that Cindy attend psychotherapy.

Cindy told her new psychotherapist that, as far back as she could remember, even when she was a child, she felt ashamed of herself.  But after she went into menopause, she felt increasingly unattractive and ashamed.

Her therapist asked Cindy about her family background and she described parents who were highly critical of Cindy and her siblings.  Her mother, who suffered from low self esteem herself, was especially critical of Cindy, who looked a lot like her mother.

Cindy explained to her therapist that her mother often criticized Cindy for how she looked--her weight, her clothes, her posture and overall demeanor.

In hindsight, Cindy realized that her mother was also highly self critical. Her mother criticized Cindy for all the things she felt self conscious about herself.  Looking back on it, Cindy recognized that her mother was projecting her own insecurities and shame onto Cindy.  But as a child, she felt defenseless against the onslaught of criticism.

Cindy told her therapist that, by the time she turned 18, "I blossomed from an ugly duckling into a very attractive young woman."  Feeling attractive, she felt more self confident, especially after she went away to college and no longer heard her mother's criticism on a daily basis.

In college, Cindy overcame her shyness as she became aware that she was sexually attractive to men.  This also made her feel more confident around men, especially after she became sexual.

After she graduated college, she met the man who eventually became her husband.  She said he was "head over heels about me when we first started dating."  She indicated that, even now, he continued to tell her that he thought she was beautiful and sexy, but she didn't believe it, especially when she looked in the mirror.

Looking back on her life, Cindy realized that most of her self confidence was based on her appearance so that as she got older, her confidence began to falter again, just as it did when she felt like "an ugly duckling" as a child.

When she was younger, even though she did well in college and she was told by her professors that she was intelligent, she assumed that her looks were what got her by.  And now that she was older, she felt like she had nothing to offer.

"I know this sounds shallow, "Cindy said to her therapist, "but it's how I was raised and what I have believed for all my life.  But now these feelings are threatening to ruin my marriage and my career, so I know I need to do something to overcome them."

Cindy's psychotherapist provided Cindy with psychoeducation about shame and how traumatic her parents' criticism of her were when she was younger.  She also provided psychoeducation about how psychotherapy could help (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

The therapist explained that Cindy internalized her mother's criticism and her mother's own shame and this was traumatic.  She recommended that they focus the therapy on overcoming this early trauma.

Using EMDR therapy, over time, Cindy and her therapist worked on helping her to overcome the shame that was instilled in her at an early age (see my articles: How EMDR Works: Part 1: EMDR and the Brain and How EMDR Works: Part 2: Overcoming Trauma).

Gradually, Cindy became aware that not only was she still attractive but, more important than that, she had much more to offer than looks--she had intelligence, generosity, warmth and creativity.

Focusing on Your Inner Self is More Effective to Overcome Shame Than Focusing Only on Your Outer Looks

Eventually, Cindy began to feel sexual again and she and her husband went on vacation to rekindle their relationship.  She also felt more confident about making sales visits to her customers, which increased her compensation

Conclusion:
Many people use their looks to try to boost their confidence and compensate for their shame.  But looks change, so they are not a reliable source for overcoming shame.

Overcoming shame requires deeper work into the root of the shame.

Shame often begins early in life and usually has a traumatic source.

Getting Help in Psychotherapy
Working through the source of the trauma in psychotherapy usually helps you to overcome shame that is having a negative impact on our life (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If shame and trauma are having a negative impact on your life, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis are usually an effective way to overcome shame as opposed to regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

If you're experiencing the negative effects of shame and emotional trauma, rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who is skilled at experiential therapy and helping clients to overcome shame and trauma.

Once you have overcome the shame and trauma that are creating obstacles in your life, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome shame and trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman With a Younger Man: Movie: Bright Days Ahead

In a prior article, Overcoming Lack of Intimacy: Movie: Hope Springs, I discussed the main characters' (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) long term sexless marriage and the wife's attempts to recharge their sexual life in the context of this issue being a common problem in many long term marriages.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women

Looking at Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women
I recently went to see the movie, Bright Days Ahead (Les Beaux Jours), a French movie starring Frances Ardant (Truffant's The Woman Next Door), Patrick Chesnais (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Laurent Lafitte, and directed by Marion Vernoux.

Bright Days Ahead is about a 60 year old woman, Caroline (Ardant), as she is coming to terms with the unexpected death of a close friend who was close to her age, and a long-term marriage that is loving and comfortable but without passion.

After the shock of her friend's sudden death, Caroline decides to retire from her dental practice to reassess her life.  Her well-meaning daughter gives her a gift in the form of a membership to a senior center, which is called Bright Days Ahead, to help Caroline fill her time.

Initially, Caroline is put off by the condescending instructors and the activities for seniors at Bright Days Ahead which have no meaning for her.  She feels above it and she is ready to dismiss the idea of attending the center.  But when she meets the computer instructor,  Julien  (Lafitte), who is a handsome, sexy man in his late 30s, she has second thoughts.

After Julien comes on to her, Caroline begins a May-December sexual affair with him as part of her  sexual and emotional reawakening.

I won't give away the rest of the plot.

Although Bright Days Ahead and Ardant's character are not without their flaws, it's rare to find a movie about an attractive, poised, confident woman in her early 60s, who rediscovers her sexual passion and who has no illusions about this younger man or about the sexual affair.

I think there will be some cultural issues for American audiences, who will probably be more judgmental about the infidelity and how it affects Caroline's husband and their relationship.  I admit that I felt myself bristle at how Caroline carried on this affair, even going to places where she risked running into friends of hers and her husband's, and potentially hurting her husband and her marriage.

But, if you're able to put these issues aside for a moment (no easy task, I know), I think the movie has a lot to say to counter the stereotypes of older woman being unattractive, sexless beings who are destined to be "put out to pasture" when they reach their 60s (see my article: Making Peace with the Aging Process).

Of course, you don't have to have a sexual affair to reawaken the passion in your life, whether it's sexual passion or a passion for life in general.

When I was a child, I thought 60 was very old.  Part of this was based on seeing the way my grandmother aged.  At the time, I didn't know how sick she was and how this affected the aging process for her.  But, even so, in my grandmother's day, people thought of themselves as being old by the time they were in their 60s.  And it wasn't unusual for men, who retired at 65, to only live a few years after their retirement.

These days, people who are in relatively good health, are living past their 80s and 90s.  Many people retire now and start new careers.  Often, they decide to take a new career path in a field that they find more meaningful than their original careers.  Or, they take up a new hobby that they didn't have time for before.

As Americans, we're obsessed with youth and staying young.  I think Bright Days Ahead challenges many ideas about aging, relationships, what's "appropriate" when it comes to younger and older lovers and for this alone, I think it's worth seeing this movie.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see: Indiewire interview with Fanny Ardant about Bright Days Ahead