The Sexual Reawakening of an Older Woman With a Younger Man: Movie: Bright Days Ahead

In a prior article, Overcoming Lack of Intimacy: Movie: Hope Springs, I discussed the main characters' (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) long term sexless marriage and the wife's attempts to recharge their sexual life in the context of this issue being a common problem in many long term marriages.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women

Looking at Misconceptions and Stereotypes About Older Women
I recently went to see the movie, Bright Days Ahead (Les Beaux Jours), a French movie starring Frances Ardant (Truffant's The Woman Next Door), Patrick Chesnais (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Laurent Lafitte, and directed by Marion Vernoux.

Bright Days Ahead is about a 60 year old woman, Caroline (Ardant), as she is coming to terms with the unexpected death of a close friend who was close to her age, and a long-term marriage that is loving and comfortable but without passion.

After the shock of her friend's sudden death, Caroline decides to retire from her dental practice to reassess her life.  Her well-meaning daughter gives her a gift in the form of a membership to a senior center, which is called Bright Days Ahead, to help Caroline fill her time.

Initially, Caroline is put off by the condescending instructors and the activities for seniors at Bright Days Ahead which have no meaning for her.  She feels above it and she is ready to dismiss the idea of attending the center.  But when she meets the computer instructor,  Julien  (Lafitte), who is a handsome, sexy man in his late 30s, she has second thoughts.

After Julien comes on to her, Caroline begins a May-December sexual affair with him as part of her  sexual and emotional reawakening.

I won't give away the rest of the plot.

Although Bright Days Ahead and Ardant's character are not without their flaws, it's rare to find a movie about an attractive, poised, confident woman in her early 60s, who rediscovers her sexual passion and who has no illusions about this younger man or about the sexual affair.

I think there will be some cultural issues for American audiences, who will probably be more judgmental about the infidelity and how it affects Caroline's husband and their relationship.  I admit that I felt myself bristle at how Caroline carried on this affair, even going to places where she risked running into friends of hers and her husband's, and potentially hurting her husband and her marriage.

But, if you're able to put these issues aside for a moment (no easy task, I know), I think the movie has a lot to say to counter the stereotypes of older woman being unattractive, sexless beings who are destined to be "put out to pasture" when they reach their 60s (see my article: Making Peace with the Aging Process).

Of course, you don't have to have a sexual affair to reawaken the passion in your life, whether it's sexual passion or a passion for life in general.

When I was a child, I thought 60 was very old.  Part of this was based on seeing the way my grandmother aged.  At the time, I didn't know how sick she was and how this affected the aging process for her.  But, even so, in my grandmother's day, people thought of themselves as being old by the time they were in their 60s.  And it wasn't unusual for men, who retired at 65, to only live a few years after their retirement.

These days, people who are in relatively good health, are living past their 80s and 90s.  Many people retire now and start new careers.  Often, they decide to take a new career path in a field that they find more meaningful than their original careers.  Or, they take up a new hobby that they didn't have time for before.

As Americans, we're obsessed with youth and staying young.  I think Bright Days Ahead challenges many ideas about aging, relationships, what's "appropriate" when it comes to younger and older lovers and for this alone, I think it's worth seeing this movie.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see: Indiewire interview with Fanny Ardant about Bright Days Ahead

The Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You

Generally speaking, as a psychotherapist, I recommend 12 Step meetings, especially during the early stage of recovery.  But I also know that for many people, especially people who have a history of emotional trauma, going to 12 Step meetings can be too overwhelming during the initial stage of recovery.

Early Stage of Recovery: What to Do If 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming For You

12 Steps Meetings Have Saved Many Lives
The 12 Steps, which are principals for living life, provide a structured step-by-step philosophy that many people describe as having been life saving for them.

Many of these people struggled in isolation and shame with their addiction before they began attending 12 Step meetings. But when they began going to meetings, they discovered that they were not alone.  This provides many people with a sense of comfort and safety.

12 Step Meetings Have Saved Many Lives

In most 12 Step meetings, many people in early recovery can find mutual support among other people who are also struggling with addiction.  There is also an opportunity to find a sponsor who can help with working through the 12 Steps.

For Many People With Emotional Trauma, 12 Step Meetings Are Too Overwhelming
But there are many other people, who have a history of emotional trauma, who find the meetings to be too overwhelming, especially when they hear stories in the meetings that triggers their trauma.

When people feel triggered during the early stage of recovery by hearing stories that are overwhelming, they can feel like drinking or drugging (or gambling, overeating and so on, depending upon their addiction).

Many people, who get emotionally overwhelmed override their own sense that they are making themselves too emotionally vulnerable to relapse because they feel that there's something wrong with them if they can't tolerate being at the meetings.

After all, they think to themselves, many people have told them that going to 12 Step meetings is good for them.  So they continue to force themselves to go and continue to get triggered and retraumatized because they're not ready to hear other people's traumatic stories in the meeting.

Of course, there are also a multitude of success stories in the meetings about how people have achieved years of sobriety and many stories about hope and transcendence.

But, for many people with a history of emotional trauma, it only takes one difficult story to overwhelm them and then they relapse.  They're just not ready, at that point, to attend 12 Step meetings.

Getting Triggered is a Common Experience For People Who Have Been Traumatized
There is no reason to feel ashamed about this.

Getting Triggered is a Common Experience For People Who Have Been Traumatized

Getting emotionally triggered is a common experience for people who experienced trauma.

Just like a veteran who returns from war can get triggered when he or she hears the backfiring of a car which sounds similar to an war time explosive, anyone who has trauma can get triggered when they're in particular situations.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are in the early stage of recovery and you're finding it too difficult to attend 12 Step meetings, you can get help by working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in working with clients in early recovery who have a history of emotional trauma.

An experienced therapist can help you to develop the necessary coping skills to deal with early recovery issues as well as relapse prevention.

Many people who are in the early stage of recovery want to rush into dealing with their trauma before they're ready.  They feel that they've wasted too much time and they want to make up for lost time by rushing into things.

But usually this isn't a good idea during the early stage.  You need to learn coping skills and develop internal and external resources before you begin to deal with trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

Once you have developed coping skills and the therapist assesses that you're ready, then you can begin to work on the underlying emotional trauma.

Being safe, both physically and emotionally, is the first priority.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many clients who are in recovery.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.