Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Parts Work Therapy

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work Therapy in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is an evidence-based therapy approach to psychotherapy that views the human mind as made up of a complex system of parts that are led by an undamaged Core Self.

IFS Core Self, Managers, Firefighters and Exiles

Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s, IFS operates on the fundamental principle that there are "no bad parts". In other words, every part of yourself developed with a protective intention of helping you to survive.

What is the Structure of the Mind in IFS?

In IFS your mind consists of of a Core Self (also known as a True Self) and three distinct aspects:

The Core Self: 

The authentic, compassionate part of your being, the Core Self cannot be damaged by trauma. The qualities of the Core Self consist of the 8 Cs: 

• Calmness
• Curiosity
  
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Connectedness
  

Exiles: 

Exiles are the wounded, vulnerable parts of your mind. They usually originate from childhood trauma which often carry painful emotions like shame, anxiety and loneliness. Exiles are often out of conscious awareness until they get triggered so that they might not cause you overwhelming pain. They are "managed" by Manager and Firefighter parts (see below). 

Common examples of exile parts include: 

• The Abandoned Child Part: This part carries a deep terrifying fear of being rejected, left behind or unloved.

• The Shamed Child Part: This part carries the core belief of being inherently defective, unlovable, ugly or not good enough.

Shamed Child Exile Part

• The Invisible Child: This part feels completely unseen, unheard, uncared for and unimportant to caregivers and peers.

• The Terrorized Part: This part stores the raw terror, helplessness and physical panic of a past traumatic event.

• The Neglected Part: This part experiences chronic emptiness and a painful longing for affection and care.

• The Judged Part: This part contains the harsh criticism, feeling constantly scrutinized and inadequate.

What Are Common Triggers That Activate Exiles?

• A partner not responding to a text immediately
• Receiving constructive feedback during a work review
• Feeling excluded from a social event or group chat 
• Experiencing a minor medical scare or physical injury

Managers: 

Proactive protectors that run your daily life, they help to keep you organized, controlled, safe by trying to ensure that Exile parts don't come to the surface and flood you with overwhelming pain. Examples of manager parts include: 

• The Inner Critic: Monitors and evaluates your behavior with harsh self-talk. It shames you internally as a maladaptive way to motivate. It aims to correct flaws before anyone else detects them and judges you (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and demands flawlessness. This part believes that if your performance, appearance or work is completely "perfect", you will remain safe from failure, rejection or embarrassment (see my article: What is Perfectionism?).

The Perfectionist

• The People Pleaser/Caretaker: Prioritizes the emotions, comforts and needs of others over your own self-care. It seeks constant validation and smooths over external conflict to keep others happy, ensuring they never abandon you or reject you (Trauma and the People-Pleaser Part).

The People Pleaser/Caretaker

• The Planner/Controller: Attempts to micro-manager every aspect of your life, schedule and relationships. It obsesses over predictability and prepares for worst case scenarios to eliminate the danger of unforeseen emotional triggers. 

• The Achiever/Taskmaster: Drives relentless productivity and focuses heavily on success. It links your basic human worth to tangible output and accomplishments to shield you from feelings of inadequacy.

The Achiever/Taskmaster

• The Intellectualizer/Thinker: Relies strictly on logic, data and rational analysis. It acts as a cognitive shield, analyzing problems from a detached distance to explain away feelings and keep you from experiencing raw emotion.

• The Publicist/Image Manager: Carefully curates your words, physical presentation and external reputation. It ensures you always look highly competent, composed and successful to the outside world, masking any internal vulnerability (see my article: Confusing Your Curated Social Media Self With Your True Self).

• The Avoider/Passive Pessimist: Keeps a safe distance from emotionally risky situations, intimacy or new challenges. It protects the system by shutting down, opting for withdrawal or passivity so that closeness cannot trigger suppressed wounds.

Firefighters:

Firefighter are reactive protective parts that step in aggressively when an Exile's pain breaks through the Manager's defenses. They attempt to rapidly extinguish or numb emotional distress by any means necessary. 

Unlike Manager parts which proactively plan to manage pain, Firefighter parts act impulsively and they are focused on immediate, short term relief without considering the long term consequences. These include:

The Numb-Out and Escape Strategies: These parts seek to detach from reality or dull the intensity of an activated emotion:

• The Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller: This part can spend hours scrolling social media, playing video games or binge watch TV to completely tune out reality.

Binge Watcher/Compulsive Scroller on Social Media

• The Dissociator: Pulls your mind away from your body causing you to "zone out" during intense situations or to feel detached from your physical presence.

• The Sleeper: Uses extreme fatigue or unprompted naps as a tactical emergency exit to avoid experiencing distress.

• The Daydreamer: Escapes chronic pain by retreating entirely into elaborate fantasies or internal worlds. 

The Substance Abuse and Comfort Soothers

These parts look to external, chemical or physical substances to smother painful feelings immediately:

• The Drinker/User: Relies heavily on alcohol, marijuana or other substances to artificially quiet an internal emotional storm.

• The Comfort Eater: Urges overeating to blanket feelings of loneliness, sadness or stress.

• The Compulsive Shopper: Impulsively spends to get the sudden burst of dopamine to mask an inner void (see my article: Learn to Stop Overspending as a Way to Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings).

The Impulse and Adrenaline Chasers

These parts attempt to replace unbearable underlying emotions, like shame or helplessness, with highly stimulating, high octane physical sensations:

• The Rager: Deflects vulnerable feelings by launching into sudden, explosive angry outbursts, slamming doors or starting verbal fights.

The Risk Taker

• The Risk Taker: Drives dangerously or engages in reckless behavior such as extreme speeding, gambling or unsafe sexual encounters, using adrenaline to overpower emotional pain.

• The Self Harmer: Expresses internal pain or seeks release from emotional numbness through physical self injury or suicidal ideation.

How Do Managers and Firefighters Differ From Each Other?

To understand your internal world, it helps to understand the difference between Manager parts, Firefighter parts and Exiles:

Managers

• Core Strategy: Control and prevention
• Behavioral Goal: Keep life orderly; minimize social and emotional risk
• Timing: Proactive (before pain occurs)

Firefighters

• Core Strategy: Distraction and numbing
• Behavioral Goal: Extinguish overwhelming emotional fires at all costs (e.g, drinking, drugging, gambling, dissociation, etc).
• Timing: Reactive (after an exile is triggered)

Exiles

• Core Strategy: Vulnerability and burden
• Behavioral Goal: Contain deep emotional wounds, childhood trauma, shame and loneliness
• Timing: Suppressed (hidden beneath protector parts)

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS is an effective, evidence-based, gentle trauma therapy. 

Although it is gentle, it is also powerful in terms of healing trauma.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS prioritizes pacing, internal consent and a non-pathologizing framework that doesn't force a client to relive their traumatic events. 

If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, consider working with a skilled IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself? 

How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety? 

How Can IFS Help With Trauma?

 

How Can People-Pleasing Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).

What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?

People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own.  As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.

People-Pleasing Behavior 

What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.

Common traits include:

• Having low self worth
• Having little self awareness
• Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
• Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
• Going with the flow of other people's desires
• Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
• Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
• Apologizing when no apology is necessary
• Taking the blame when they are not at fault
• Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior

What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?

People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood. 

This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs.  It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).

The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.

These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article:  How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).

As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.

How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:

Jane and Bill

When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."

People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship

Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.  

After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City. 

Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.

Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.

A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.

When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.

Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy.  She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.

At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.

During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.

Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.

The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted.  She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted. 

In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).

Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.

As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.

Conclusion

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.

This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).

How Shame Impacts Relationships

Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.

Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:

• Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.

• Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

How Shame Impacts Couples

• Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).

• Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).

• Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.

• Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).

How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship

Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:

• Vulnerability and Open Communication:  Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Overcoming the Negative Cycle

• Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.

• Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.

• Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).

• Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).

Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

• Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.

Seek Help in EFT Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop People Pleasing So You Can Reduce Your Anxiety and Increase Your Pleasure in the Bedroom

People pleasing, which is also known by the term "fawning," is often a trauma response (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict).

People who focus on pleasing others, to the detriment of their own emotional needs, often don't even realize they're doing it because it's such an ingrained trauma response from early in their life. 

How to Stop People Pleasing to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

They learned to focus on other people's needs to ward off conflict in family dynamics and to try to shore up dysfunctional family dynamics (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

As children, these people would extend themselves emotionally beyond what they were developmentally capable of doing, but they tried to do it anyway (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

A key component of the people pleasing involves feeling unlovable.  

Examples of Children Who Who Were People Pleasers 

The list below includes just a few examples of children who were people pleasers and who over-functioned in their family.

Children who were people pleasers in their family often:

• Became their parents' confidants at a young age (see my article: Role Reversal in Families)

• Believed they had to take on the family problems in order to be liked or loved

• Believed the family wouldn't survive unless they became people pleasers

• Became perfectionists (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

• Were scapegoated in the family, or

• Became overachievers and the family hero in an effort to please depressed, anxious or traumatized parents

• Became pseudo-independent (i.e., they believed, erroneously, that they didn't need help or emotional support because they could take care of themselves--even though they were children

• Sacrificed their own emotional needs for their parents and other family members

• Emotionally numbed themselves to their own needs

• Agreed to do things they didn't want to do and lost touch with what they wanted and needed

• Were physically, emotionally or sexually abused or neglected

• Carried the family burden of shame

And so on.

People Pleasing Children Become People Pleasing Adults

Unfortunately, people pleasing (or fawning) doesn't stop when children become adults, and these behaviors often carry over into sexual activities so that sex becomes solely performative rather than being pleasurable to them.

How to Stop People Pleasing to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

Usually people with this problem are so hyper-focused on their partner's pleasure that they don't pay attention to their own sexual pleasure.  

This creates performance anxiety because they're worried about whether they're pleasing their partner.  The result is that they can become cut off from their own emotions and bodily sensations so they don't enjoy sex (see my article: What is Sexual Anxiety?).

Sexual People Pleasing and Performance Anxiety

Sexual people pleasing often occurs when people are willing to do whatever they think their partner might like--even if it's not what they want or it has a detrimental effect for them--so their sexual partner will like or love them.  

This creates performance anxiety for both men and women which can result in:

• Worry or fear before, during or after sex

• Negative thoughts or emotions about sex

• Negative thoughts about their body image

• Spectatoring (self consciously monitoring and critiquing their own behavior in bed)

• Unrealistic expectations related to sex, especially with regard to their own sexual "performance"

• A disconnect between their mind and body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• A lack of sexual pleasure in a relationship or during sexual hookups

• Faking orgasms
  

• Erectile dysfunction

• Anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, less intense or absence of sexual orgasms)

• Painful sex

How to Overcome People Pleasing in the Bedroom

Depending upon the specific problems involved, overcoming sexual people pleasing often involves different interventions, including medical treatment to deal with possible physical problems or rule out medical issues, trauma therapy and sex therapy.

• Medical Issues: If there is a physical component to the sexual problem, like painful sex or erectile dysfunction, possible medical problems should be ruled out first.  For instance, many women assume that painful sex is solely the result of anxiety.  However, although anxiety might be an important part of the problem, it's also possible that there might be medical issues that contribute to the problem--like pelvic floor problems, which must be diagnosed by a medical doctor and often requires the assistance of a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.

Seeking Medical Help to Rule Out Physical Problems

• Trauma Therapy: Since people pleasing is often a longstanding problem that originated in childhood, there is often unresolved trauma that needs to be worked through in trauma therapy. A mind-body oriented therapy, like EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing , AEDP and Parts Work/Ego States Therapy is often helpful to bring about increased bodily awareness and work through trauma.  See my articles:

• What is Trauma Therapy?

• What is Complex Trauma?

• Sex Therapy: Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples with no physical exam, nudity or sex during therapy sessions. Performance anxiety is a common issue that sex therapists help clients to overcome.  See my articles:

• What is Sex Therapy?
  

• What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

• What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

How to Overcome Your Fear of Getting Help

If you feel fearful and ashamed to get help for trauma-related sexual problems, recognize that you're not alone.  Many people have similar problems.  In fact, these problems are common.

You can start by finding a licensed mental health professional who addresses both trauma and sex therapy.  Therapists who specialize in both areas can be difficult to find, but you can use a therapist directory to locate someone in your area.

Getting Help From a Sex Therapist Who Specializes in Trauma

If you're already in therapy, you can find an adjunct therapist who specializes in trauma and sex therapy to collaborate with your therapist so you get the help you need.

Make sure the therapist is a licensed mental health professional, which is different from a coach or mentor.

Start by asking for a consultation so you can get a sense of whether you feel comfortable with a therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Be aware that it can take time to develop a therapeutic relationship with a therapist, so be patient.

Once you have worked through your trauma-related sexual problems, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many individuals and couples to overcome trauma-related sexual problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.