How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

In my prior article, The Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families, I discussed the various roles that parents with narcissistic traits assign, consciously or unconsciously, to the children in the family (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

As I mentioned in my prior article, the most common roles for children of dysfunctional families are the following:

• scapegoat (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat in a Dysfunctional Family)
• hero/responsible child (see my article: The Trauma of the Hero in a Dysfunctional Family
• invisible/lost child
• golden child (the focus of this article)
• caretaker/placater (see my article: How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family of Origin)
• mascot/clown

The Golden Child
In this article, I'm focusing on one of the roles, the golden child, with a fictional clinical vignette with a typical scenario to show how psychotherapy can help an adult who was traumatized by being forced into this role as a child.

As mentioned in the prior article, the golden child is usually the parents' favorite child because this child is seen by them as an extension of one or both parents.

He or she is seen as the "perfect" child.  As a result, the parents live vicariously through this child.  Rather than being seen and valued for his or her inner qualities, the golden child is usually valued for physical attractiveness.

As in the other roles, the child's emotional needs are subordinated to the parents' needs.  As a result, one or both parents often establish an enmeshed relationship with this child (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families - The Golden Child:

Jane
Jane, who was in her late 20s, told her new psychotherapist that she wanted to start psychotherapy because, a few years after she had jaw surgery, she developed sagging skin around her jaw line.

Jane explained to her therapist that she was so upset because, before she had surgery, she had an attractive, youthful appearance.  But shortly after the surgery, she noticed that the skin around her jaw was noticeably sagging and it made her look older and less attractive.

She had a consultation with a plastic surgeon who told her that she could have surgery to lift the sagging skin, but Jane wasn't sure if she wanted to go through another surgery.

Jane told her psychotherapist that she grew up always being praised for her attractiveness by both parents, especially her mother.  Her mother, who seemed to be very conscious of her own looks, often confided in Jane that of her five siblings, she considered Jane to be the most attractive and the most like her.

How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child

As a child, Jane was aware that she was her parents' favorite child based primarily on her looks.  She felt fortunate to be attractive and to be her parents' favorite, especially when she considered how her other siblings were treated by her parents.  Her mother used to call Jane "my perfect child."

Prior to the surgery, Jane did everything she could to remain young looking and attractive, and she continued to get her mother's praise and attention.  Her mother was extra generous with Jane, as compared to Jane's siblings, and often treated Jane to expensive clothes and spa treatments.

Throughout high school and college, Jane was conscious that she could use her attractiveness and charm to get what she wanted from young men, friends and even college professors.  She felt she also used her attractiveness to excel in her career.

But after the surgery, when Jane and her mother began to notice the change in her appearance, her mother had a strong negative reaction to Jane's sagging skin, which hurt Jane a lot.  Her mother physically recoiled when she noticed the change in Jane's appearance, and she told Jane that she no longer looked as attractive.

This precipitated a change in her mother's attitude towards Jane.  She no longer invited Jane out to go shopping for clothes or for spa treatments.  Instead, her mother invited Jane's younger sister, Beth, and praised Beth for being the most attractive child and the most like her mother.

Whereas Jane and her mother used to spend a lot of time together, now her mother made up excuses for not wanting to spend time with Jane.  This was devastating to Jane, who used to relish the attention she got from her mother.

Her mother's change in attitude as well as Jane's own new self doubts about her appearance caused Jane to lose confidence in herself.  She no longer felt confident talking to men at parties or going out on sales calls for her job the way she used to do.

This resulted in social isolation and problems with regard to her job performance.  After her manager  admonished Jane for not bringing in enough business, Jane knew she had to get help in therapy.

Jane told her psychotherapist that, unlike when she was a child, she felt mature enough now to understand that focusing only on her looks was shallow.  She wanted to feel good about herself regardless of her looks.  But what bothered her the most was realizing that her parents, especially her mother, valued her most for her looks and now that her looks had changed, she felt emotionally abandoned by her parents.

After Jane's psychotherapist listened to Jane describe her presenting problems, she discussed the role of the golden child and how Jane's childhood history reflected that Jane was placed in that particular role in her family.

Looking at pictures that Jane brought in of her appearance before and after the surgery, the psychotherapist also recognized that, although Jane's looks changed somewhat after the surgery, Jane's view of herself was distorted.  Jane's appearance was nowhere near as changed as she believed it to be.

As they continued to work together in therapy, Jane's psychotherapist helped Jane to see how she was affected by the rigid role that she was placed in as a child primarily by her mother.

She also helped Jane to see that, although her mother's extra attention prior to the surgery was gratifying to Jane, it was also very damaging because her mother valued Jane for her outer appearance rather than who Jane was as a person.  Although Jane's view of herself was distorted, it did not meet the criteria for body dysmorphic disorder.

In addition, her psychotherapist helped Jane develop insight into how the focus on her looks kept Jane from developing her inner world.

When Jane's psychotherapist assessed that Jane was ready to work on the affect of her traumatic experiences related to her family, she recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on the trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

The work in therapy was neither fast nor easy because Jane was attempting to see herself in a new way and to overcome long ingrained patterns.  But, gradually over time, Jane developed a stronger sense of self as she worked through her traumatic experiences of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

She also realized that the change in her appearance wasn't nearly as big as she originally thought.  In addition, she learned to value herself for her inner qualities rather than focusing on her external appearance.  This gave her the self confidence that she needed in her interpersonal relationships and in her career.

Conclusion
Adult children of dysfunctional families often carry the emotional burden of their childhood trauma into adulthood where it has a negative impact on their sense of self, their personal relationships and, possibly, their career.

The impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family can take many different forms that might not become apparent until adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome traumatic experiences so that you can live free of the impact of your traumatic family history (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Unburdened by a dysfunctional family history, you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families

Children of dysfunctional families are often placed in rigid roles by parents to meet the parents' narcissistic needs.  These roles don't take into account the children's emotional needs and, as result, these dynamics are traumatic for the children.  As adult children, these same people often continue to function in these roles with their families and in other relationships.  In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy helps adult children of dysfunctional families to overcome these unhealthy patterns (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

The Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families 

Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families

The following are some of the most typical roles of children in dysfunctional families:

• Scapegoat Child
• Hero/Responsible Child
• Invisible/Lost Child
• Golden Child
• Caretaker/Placater Child
• Mascot/Clown Child

• Scapegoat Child:  The role of the scapegoat child is to carry the family shame.  This child is seen as being inferior.  Even though the family often has many other serious problems, he is usually the "designated patient" when the family comes to family therapy.  One or both parents will often tell the family therapist that, except for problems with this child, the family has no other problems which, of course, usually isn't true.  Although this child might spend his whole life trying to get his parents' approval, he can almost never live up to the parents' expectations because his parents won't allow it.  They need him to continue to function in his designated role of being the scapegoat.  This often results in the scapegoat child rebelling because of the emotional burden placed on him to carry the family's problems.  This can lead to real problems outside the home as this child tries to get his parents' attention--whether it's positive or negative attention (see my article:  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in a Dysfunctional Family).

• The Hero/Responsible Child:  Typically, the role of the hero/responsible child is assigned to the oldest child in the family.  This child takes on the role of the parent (often referred to as the "parentified child").  Trying to be "perfect" to meet the parents' expectations, this child will often try to be the best academically or in sports to gratify the parents' narcissistic needs.  This is the child that the parents will often point to when they want to look good to outsiders.  This child is aware that if she isn't "perfect" in her parents' eyes, her parents might make her the scapegoat child, which this child wants to avoid at all costs--no matter how stressful it is for her to try to function in the hero/responsible child.  As a result, she develops into someone who is self critical and critical of others.  She often feels ashamed because she knows deep down that she's not perfect (see my article: The Trauma of the Family Hero in a Dysfunctional Family and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

• The Invisible Child/Lost Child:  The child who is placed in the invisible child role is ignored.  Receiving neither praise nor criticism from the parents, this child is seen as having no value in terms of gratifying the narcissistic parents' needs, which is why she is ignored.  In order to protect herself, this child might withdraw emotionally and isolate.  She often doesn't develop the necessary interpersonal skills to interact effectively with others.  As a result, this child has difficulty allowing others into her inner emotional world.  She usually grows up feeling unlovable and these feelings often continue into adulthood (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated, Are You Feeling Lost? and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• The Golden Child:  The child who is in the role of being the golden child is the favorite of one of one or both parents.  The parents are unaware that this child (or any of the other children in the other roles) has his own subjectivity.  This child is seen as an extension of one or both parents so that they can live through this child.  She is the "perfect" child in the parents' eyes.  Rather than being seen for her inner qualities, this child is often valued for being physically attractive.  This is an emotional burden, especially as this child becomes an adult, ages and no longer is as attractive as she once was as a child.  Since the golden child is valued mostly for outer appearances, she believes that her looks are all that she has to offer.  The parents often establish an enmeshed relationship with this child (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

• The Caretaker/Placater Child:  This child is assigned the role of been the people pleaser and rescuer in the family.  Her sense of self is defined in terms of what she can do for others rather than focusing on herself.  She is selfless and she doesn't ask for help for herself.  She grows up often not knowing her own emotional needs or how to get her own needs met (see my articles:  How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family of Origin, Overcoming Your Need to Be Everyone's Caretaker and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

• The Mascot/Clown Child:  The child who is in the mascot/clown role is constantly joking and clowning around to divert the family's attention away from their dysfunctional patterns.  Although this child might appear on the surface to be happy, he suppresses his own emotional needs and uses the clowning around as a defense against these needs.  Beyond their humorous facade, these children (and later on as adults) struggle with feelings of loneliness and emptiness.  They are often drawn to become performers as adults (although not all performers were mascot/clown children).

Aside from the roles that I mentioned above, there are other ways that parents in dysfunctional families assign rigid roles to children.

For instance, if there are two daughters, one of them might be designated by one or both parents as "the pretty one" and the other one could be designated as "the intelligent one."

Like the other roles, these rigid roles have nothing to do with whether one child is more attractive or more intelligent.  The designation of these roles are based solely on the emotional needs of the parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you if, as an adult, you continue to struggle with a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Getting Help in Therapy
There is a heavy emotional price to pay if you were assigned into a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to transcend the narrow role that you were placed in as a child (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome the traumatic experiences of not being seen and valued for who you really as an individual (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By breaking out of a dysfunctional role, you can be more authentic and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping adults to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.