How Do You Handle Blame? Are You an Internalizer or an Externalizer?

How you handle blame can tell a lot about yourself. It can also have a big impact on your personal and work-related relationships (see my article: Relationship Skills: Why is Self Awareness Important to You and Your Partner?).

How Do You Handle Blame?

The following descriptions are the most common dynamics when it comes to handling blame:

• Externalizers: People who are externalizers usually blame someone or something else when it comes to blame. They rarely, if ever, accept responsibility when things go wrong, even when it's objectively clear that the problem was their fault (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Extreme Externalizers: People who are extreme externalizers have a very difficult time taking responsibility for their own mistakes. They often lack a self reflective capacity, which means they not only fail to look at their own contributions to their problems, but they also don't learn from their mistakes. This means they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. People who are extreme externalizers are often personality disordered (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality: Narcissism, Psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

How Do You Handle Blame?

• Internalizers: People who are internalizers often take on all or most of the blame when things go wrong--even when it's obvious they weren't at fault. 

• Inconsistent Internalizers: People who are inconsistent internalizers often take on too much of the blame in situations, but they can also do a 180 degree turn and externalize all the blame on someone else.  Inconsistent internalizers were often emotionally neglected as children.  Whichever side they're on, they often see situations as being black-and-white with no grey (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

• Balanced: People who are balanced see their own realistic contributions to problems at the same time they take into account other people's contributions as well as other contributing factors.

How Your Family Handled Blame

Children internalize family dynamics unconsciously.  This includes how families handled blame.

The following vignettes, which are composites, are examples of how families often handle blame and the consequences of their dynamic:

• An Example of an Externalizer: Joey's Family: Joey tended to get into trouble at school for fighting and cutting classes when he was in high school. Whenever Joey's parents were called in to meet with the dean, they were very defensive.  When the dean told them about the problems, both parents blamed Joey's friends for being "bad influences." They never asked Joey to take responsibility and, as parents, they never took responsibility.  So, when Joey became an adult, he became an externalizer.

• An Example of an Internalizer: Alice's Family: When Alice was growing up, she was often scapegoated by her parents and older siblings. Whenever anything went wrong at home, they blamed her.  When they were court-mandated to attend family therapy after Alice's older brother was arrested for stealing a car, they told the family therapist that Alice was the cause of all the family's problems. But when they were asked to explain this, they got defensive (see my article: The Role of the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

• An Example of a Balanced View: Nina's Family: Nina's parents taught her the importance of self reflection so that whenever she had a problem, she reflected on what she could have done better.  They also taught her how to look at problems within the context in which they occurred so she could take a balanced perspective of situations when they went wrong. This helped her in all her relationships as a child and as an adult.

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

Dynamics which are internalized at a young age are often difficult to overcome.

If you tend to blame yourself, even when it's objectively clear that you weren't at fault, you could benefit from learning self compassion (see my article:  Psychotherapy and Self Compassion).

Practice Compassion For Yourself and Others

If you tend to blame others, when a situation goes wrong, take a moment to pause and assess the situation when you're calm.  

If you're blaming others and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, you're being unfair to others and you're depriving yourself of a potential learning experience.  

If you can stop being defensive and allow yourself to be open, you can gain a new, more balanced perspective when things go wrong. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with internalizing and externalizing usually have their roots in early childhood.

Both internalizing and externalizing can create problems in personal and work-related relationships. 

Problems in relationships often bring people to therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you, if you're open to being helped, to take a more balanced approach when things go wrong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families

Children of dysfunctional families are often placed in rigid roles by parents to meet the parents' narcissistic needs.  These roles don't take into account the children's emotional needs and, as result, these dynamics are traumatic for the children.  As adult children, these same people often continue to function in these roles with their families and in other relationships.  In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy helps adult children of dysfunctional families to overcome these unhealthy patterns (see my article: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families).

The Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families 

Roles of Children in Dysfunctional Families

The following are some of the most typical roles of children in dysfunctional families:

• Scapegoat Child
• Hero/Responsible Child
• Invisible/Lost Child
• Golden Child
• Caretaker/Placater Child
• Mascot/Clown Child

• Scapegoat Child:  The role of the scapegoat child is to carry the family shame.  This child is seen as being inferior.  Even though the family often has many other serious problems, he is usually the "designated patient" when the family comes to family therapy.  One or both parents will often tell the family therapist that, except for problems with this child, the family has no other problems which, of course, usually isn't true.  Although this child might spend his whole life trying to get his parents' approval, he can almost never live up to the parents' expectations because his parents won't allow it.  They need him to continue to function in his designated role of being the scapegoat.  This often results in the scapegoat child rebelling because of the emotional burden placed on him to carry the family's problems.  This can lead to real problems outside the home as this child tries to get his parents' attention--whether it's positive or negative attention (see my article:  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in a Dysfunctional Family).

• The Hero/Responsible Child:  Typically, the role of the hero/responsible child is assigned to the oldest child in the family.  This child takes on the role of the parent (often referred to as the "parentified child").  Trying to be "perfect" to meet the parents' expectations, this child will often try to be the best academically or in sports to gratify the parents' narcissistic needs.  This is the child that the parents will often point to when they want to look good to outsiders.  This child is aware that if she isn't "perfect" in her parents' eyes, her parents might make her the scapegoat child, which this child wants to avoid at all costs--no matter how stressful it is for her to try to function in the hero/responsible child.  As a result, she develops into someone who is self critical and critical of others.  She often feels ashamed because she knows deep down that she's not perfect (see my article: The Trauma of the Family Hero in a Dysfunctional Family and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

• The Invisible Child/Lost Child:  The child who is placed in the invisible child role is ignored.  Receiving neither praise nor criticism from the parents, this child is seen as having no value in terms of gratifying the narcissistic parents' needs, which is why she is ignored.  In order to protect herself, this child might withdraw emotionally and isolate.  She often doesn't develop the necessary interpersonal skills to interact effectively with others.  As a result, this child has difficulty allowing others into her inner emotional world.  She usually grows up feeling unlovable and these feelings often continue into adulthood (see my articles: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated, Are You Feeling Lost? and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• The Golden Child:  The child who is in the role of being the golden child is the favorite of one of one or both parents.  The parents are unaware that this child (or any of the other children in the other roles) has his own subjectivity.  This child is seen as an extension of one or both parents so that they can live through this child.  She is the "perfect" child in the parents' eyes.  Rather than being seen for her inner qualities, this child is often valued for being physically attractive.  This is an emotional burden, especially as this child becomes an adult, ages and no longer is as attractive as she once was as a child.  Since the golden child is valued mostly for outer appearances, she believes that her looks are all that she has to offer.  The parents often establish an enmeshed relationship with this child (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Enmeshed Families).

• The Caretaker/Placater Child:  This child is assigned the role of been the people pleaser and rescuer in the family.  Her sense of self is defined in terms of what she can do for others rather than focusing on herself.  She is selfless and she doesn't ask for help for herself.  She grows up often not knowing her own emotional needs or how to get her own needs met (see my articles:  How to Stop Being the Rescuer in Your Family of Origin, Overcoming Your Need to Be Everyone's Caretaker and Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

• The Mascot/Clown Child:  The child who is in the mascot/clown role is constantly joking and clowning around to divert the family's attention away from their dysfunctional patterns.  Although this child might appear on the surface to be happy, he suppresses his own emotional needs and uses the clowning around as a defense against these needs.  Beyond their humorous facade, these children (and later on as adults) struggle with feelings of loneliness and emptiness.  They are often drawn to become performers as adults (although not all performers were mascot/clown children).

Aside from the roles that I mentioned above, there are other ways that parents in dysfunctional families assign rigid roles to children.

For instance, if there are two daughters, one of them might be designated by one or both parents as "the pretty one" and the other one could be designated as "the intelligent one."

Like the other roles, these rigid roles have nothing to do with whether one child is more attractive or more intelligent.  The designation of these roles are based solely on the emotional needs of the parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you if, as an adult, you continue to struggle with a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Getting Help in Therapy
There is a heavy emotional price to pay if you were assigned into a rigid role in a dysfunctional family.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to transcend the narrow role that you were placed in as a child (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome the traumatic experiences of not being seen and valued for who you really as an individual (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

By breaking out of a dysfunctional role, you can be more authentic and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping adults to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Trauma of the "Hero" in a Dysfunctional Family

In a prior article, The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, I wrote about the rigid roles in dysfunctional families and how one child is often labeled the "scapegoat" in the family.  In this article, I'm focusing on another role that is often found in dysfunctional families, which is the "hero."

The Trauma of the "Hero" in a Dysfunctional Family

It's easy to see how difficult it is for the child who is in the scapegoat role.  It might be more difficult to see the emotional consequences of being the hero.

In a dysfunctional family where the parents are emotionally unavailable, it's not unusual for one of the children, often the oldest child, to take on the parental role.

At a young age, these children learn to fill in the gaps where their parents are not fulfilling their adult roles.

Children who are heroes in their family are usually:

• mature beyond their years
• very serious and have difficulty having fun
• goal oriented
• driven to do the "right thing"
• striving all the time at school and at home
• craving attention and recognition, but often feel too ashamed to ask for it
• very self critical
• lacking self confidence
• ashamed of themselves
• afraid to say "no"
• mistrustful their own judgment

The roles of scapegoat and hero are both traumatic, but they play out in different ways.

Whereas the child who is in the role of the scapegoat might feel that it's useless for him or her to try to do well, the child who is the hero will keep trying until things are "perfect."  Since there's no such thing as being "perfect," s/he keeps trying because things never seem good enough.

Let's look at a fictional vignette which is typical of what happens for the child in the hero role:

Sandy
Sandy was the oldest of four children.  Both parents were very involved in their careers and often left it to Sandy to take care of her younger siblings.

The Trauma of the "Hero" in a Dysfunctional Family

By the age of 10, she was often coming home from school to make dinner for her siblings while both parents stayed late at the office.

Sandy tended to be an anxious child who worried a lot about getting good grades at school, even though she usually got A's.  Whenever she would get an A- or a B+, she felt very ashamed and disappointed in herself.

With everything that Sandy did, whether it was getting good grades or making a meal at home, she hoped that her parents would pay attention to her.  Her mother occasionally praised Sandy haphazardly and told the other children that they should be more like Sandy, and her father was usually too distracted with his work to notice Sandy's accomplishments.

Although Sandy craved her parents' attention, she felt too ashamed to ask them for it.  On some level, she felt unworthy.

As an adult, Sandy got into relationships with highly narcissistic men who took advantage of her good nature.

She often found it difficult to say "no" to any request from her boyfriend or from friends.  Since she unconsciously chose people to be in her life that were similar to her parents, she rarely got the attention and praise that she craved.

After breaking up with a man who overlooked Sandy's kindness and generosity, she began therapy to try to find out why she felt so desperately unhappy and unappreciated even though she tried so hard to please the people in her life.

The Trauma of the "Hero" in a Dysfunctional Family

Over time, Sandy discovered in therapy that, since childhood, she had been in the narrow role of being the hero in her family and in her adult relationships.

She saw how she was unable to allow herself to have fun and do other things that children did when she was a child because she was so focused on taking care of things at home and trying to be the "best" in every aspect of her life.

Gradually, she could see why she tended to be anxious most of the time.

She also learned that, as a result of her childhood, she was getting into codependent relationships with men who were self centered and emotionally distant, similar to her parents.

Her therapist told her about EMDR Therapy and, over time, Sandy was able to work through her childhood trauma (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

The Trauma of the "Hero" in a Dysfunctional Family

Once she was free of her psychological trauma, she became more self compassionate and calm.  She also made better choices with regard to her friendships and relationships with men.

Conclusion
Without help, psychological dynamics, like codependency, that develop in childhood usually continue into adulthood.

Someone who has been in a rigid role as a child in his or her family will usually continue in that role as an adult.  S/he will choose relationships as an adult where these dynamics will be perpetuated.

Unfortunately, people often wait until they have been hurt numerous times as an adult before they get help in therapy.

If they choose a trauma therapist who is knowledgeable about codependent dynamics and the types of experiential therapy that help clients to overcome these dynamics, they can work through these issues over time to have a happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy
My experience has been that experiential therapy, like EMDR and other types of mind-body oriented therapies, often work best to help clients to overcome psychological trauma.

If you recognize yourself in this article, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional with expertise in this area.

Once you have worked through your unresolved childhood trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and children.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Being the Different One in Your Family

In a prior article,  The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, I discussed how the family scapegoat is usually made to feel like s/he is "different" from the rest of the family and the cause of the family's problems, even when s/he isn't really the source of their problems.  In this article, I'm focusing on what it's like to feel "different" in a family.

Being the Different One in Your Family

Examples of Being the "Different One" in a Family:

• A first generation child, whose parents are originally from a different country, not only feels different, but often feels conflicted because s/he can feel caught between the family's traditions from their country of origin and the culture of the new country.

• A child, who is gay, in a family that has traditional views of what it means to be a man or a woman, can feel different from other family members and, depending upon the family.

• A child, who has liberal views and who grows up in a family who conservative traditional views can feel different.

• A child, who is artistic and who grows up in a family that devalues artistic skills and wants their child to pursue a more mainstream career, can feel devalued and question his or her own views.

• A child, who grows up in a family where the parents and the siblings all abuse alcohol and drugs and who all dropped out of high school, might feel misunderstood because s/he values education and wants to avoid abusing substances.

These are just a few of many possible examples of how a child can feel and be perceived as different from other family members.  There are many other examples.

Of course, there are families who are open minded and who can accept a child who is different.  This can help the child to feel accepted and loved as well as accepting of his or her own values.

The problem arises when being "different" in the family is perceived as being "less than" the rest of the family.  The parents might feel that the child's differences are a threat to the family and, in that sense, the differences feel dangerous to them.

The following scenario is a fictionalized example of how growing up being the "different one" in a family can be difficult and how this problem can be overcome in therapy.

Mark
Mark grew up in a traditional religious family.  He was the youngest of five children.

When he was a young child, he never questioned his religion.  But when he was in his mid-teens and he socialized with friends and their families from different backgrounds, he became increasingly aware that there were other ways of seeing the world and he began to question whether he believed the basic principles of the family's religion.

When he told his parents and older brothers that he wasn't sure if he believed in these basic principles, they were stunned.  His father became angry and told Mark that the family's religion is what got them through many difficult times going back to Mark's great grandfather's time and probably before. He felt that Mark's questioning was heresy.  He warned Mark that no good would come of it.

Mark couldn't understand why his father was so upset.  But, after he experienced his father's anger, Mark kept his questions to himself.  He continued to observe the family's religious traditions but, inwardly, he continued to wonder how meaningful, if at all, these traditions were to him.

As Mark entered college, he was encouraged by his parents to take business courses so that he could become an accountant or a business manager.

During his first two years of college, Mark's college required him to take certain core courses where he was exposed to many different subjects and new ideas.

By the time he was a college Sophomore, he was very drawn to art history.  But when he told his parents that he wanted to be an art history major instead of a business major, they were even more upset than when he told them that he was questioning their religion.

His parents talked to him about how financially difficult it had been for both the mother's and the father's families and for them before Mark was born.  They stressed the importance of choosing a major that would be "practical."  They didn't want Mark to struggle financially the way they did or the way their parents did.  They urged him to major in business because, as a business major, he could find a job, whereas as an art history major, he might end up jobless.

Mark considered what his parents told him.  He was aware that his older brothers followed their parents'  suggestions and each of them was doing well financially.  They had secure jobs, and they seemed happy with their choices.

But Mark was becoming increasingly aware that he wouldn't be happy as a business major.  He understood his parents' concerns and their practical advice, so he felt torn.

He was also more and more aware of how different he was from his parents and brothers.  He loved them very much, but he knew he needed to find his own way, which was probably going to be different from the rest of his family.

He also felt that his parents were still traumatized by their experiences of going through difficult financial times.  Even though they overcame their earlier financial difficulties, he knew that, on an emotional level, they never got over their fear and sense of vulnerability.  It was as if they were living in the past.  He knew they couldn't see that he had opportunities now that they never had.

Feeling more and more conflicted and confused between what he wanted and his loyalty to his family, he decided to start therapy.  This was difficult for him because, on a certain level, he felt he was being disloyal to his family by going to therapy (see my article:  When Family Loyalty Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).  

He didn't tell his family about his therapy because he was sure they wouldn't understand.  He knew that they would think that he shouldn't talk about the family to a stranger, even if the stranger was a licensed mental health professional.

During his therapy, Mark's therapist, who was trained as a hypnotherapist, helped him to have greater access to his unconscious feelings and wishes by using clinical hypnosis.  While he was in a relaxed hypnotic state, his therapist asked him to imagine his future self as he wanted himself to be when he completed college (see my article: Experiencing Your Future Self: The Self You Want to Become).

As Mark became more comfortable with hypnosis, he was able to gradually put aside his conflicts and focus on what he wanted for himself.  As he did this, he felt how deeply he wanted to pursue a career in art history.

Over time, with increasing confidence, Mark became more open to exploring this possibility by seeking out people who were already in the field, including his professor.  With more information from people in the field, Mark realized that he wanted to pursue an art history career, possibly working in an art gallery.

After he graduated with a major in art history, despite his family's disapproval, Mark went on to get a graduate degree in art history.  His degree also included business courses related specifically to the art world so he felt he would be better prepared for the field.

As part of his educational courses, Mark interned at one of the more prestigious art galleries in New York City, and by the time he had his Master's degree, the gallery owner hired him full time.

Although his fear was that he would alienate his family, he came to realize that his family still loved him, even if they didn't understand why he wanted to pursue a career that was so different from what they wanted for him.

Over time, as Mark continued to advance in his career, his parents' and older brothers' disapproval softened and they came to accept that Mark was happy in his field and that's really all that mattered.  Mark also let go of his conflictual feelings about being different and embraced his choice.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being the "different one" in your family can be an emotionally painful and lonely experience if your family members don't understand or accept what you want.

Trying to appease others by sacrificing your core sense of self will only make you unhappy. Although it can be difficult to be an individual who is different from other family members, being true to yourself is the best way to lead a fulfilling life.

If you're struggling with feeling different, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to deal with these emotional struggles, learn to be an individual, and feel more confident (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

It's not unusual for the one person who comes to therapy from a dysfunctional family to get scapegoated by the family into feeling like she or he is the unhealthy one in the family.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

Often, other family members point to this person as the one who has the most problems because s/he is attending therapy.  But, in fact, the person who goes to therapy from a dysfunctional family is often the healthiest person in the family.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in the Family Who Goes to Therapy?
Let's understand, first, that by saying that it's often the healthiest person in a dysfunctional family that goes to therapy, it's understood that this is a generalization and it's not always true.

But, having said that, it is often the case because the person who recognizes that s/he needs help is, at least, aware that there is a problem that s/he can't overcome alone, and s/he wants help from a licensed mental health professional to make changes.

In an earlier article, I discussed The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, which is an important concept in order to understand why family members often turn on the healthiest person in the family who seeks help in therapy.

When someone, who is part of a dysfunctional family, seeks help from a psychotherapist, the other family members often feel that this person is being disloyal by airing the family's "dirty laundry," and they often feel worry that the therapy will upset the tenuous "equilibrium" that has been established in the family and upset the status quo (see my article:  When Family Loyalty Gets in the Way of Your Psychotherapy Treatment).

I usually find that a composite vignette, helps to clarify the subjects that I discuss in my articles.   As always, this is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jane
When Jane was growing up, no one in the family talked about uncomfortable feelings.  They also didn't talk about Jane's older brothers, Bob and John, who were drinking, getting into trouble at school, and getting arrested for disturbing the peace.

Jane's parents blamed their sons' schoolteachers, the principal, their neighbors, and the police, and they refused to acknowledge that their sons had problems.

Despite the trouble that their sons were getting into, they refused to acknowledge that there was anything wrong at home or that they could or should do anything about the problems.

Whenever other family members, like Jane's uncles and aunts, would try to point out to her parents their sons' problems were escalating, the parents made excuses and refused to believe it.

As a result, Jane learned to keep her feelings to herself and she also tended to ignore her brothers' problems, even if one or both of them came to the dinner table drunk.

After Jane's oldest brother, Bob, died in a car accident, her parents and John focused on suing the other driver, who was not hurt, and the police for "not doing their job."

But a toxicology report revealed that Bob, who was not wearing a seat belt, had twice the legal limit of alcohol in his system and he was the one who rammed into the other driver.

Jane's parents' denial was so strong that they refused to believe the toxicology report.  They wanted "someone to pay" for the loss of their son, but they couldn't find an attorney who was willing to take the case, so they gave up in frustration.

At that point, Jane was living on her own.  When she heard about the toxicology report, she had enough physical and psychological distance from her family to begin to realize just how much her parents and brother were in denial.

She also realized that she had been in denial all of her life about the dysfunctional nature of her family.

After Bob died, Jane tried to talk to John about his drinking, but he didn't want to hear it.  He dismissed her concerns and told her he could control his drinking at any time.

Jane's parents also became upset with her when they found out that she was trying to talk to John about his drinking.  They also refused to talk about Bob's death.

This resulted in a big argument between Jane and her parents and, even though she loved them, Jane decided to take a break from her family.

Jane knew she needed this time away from her family to grieve the loss of Bob and to think about what had been going on for her all of these years while she was living at home.

After Jane's best friend recommended that Jane get help, Jane started therapy.

Working in therapy, Jane soon discovered that, even though she was more willing than her parents and brother to deal with her feelings of loss and confusion, she was also fairly shutdown emotionally.
She realized that she had been numbing herself emotionally for years and there were times when she didn't know how she felt.

Working with Jane, I helped her to develop the necessary coping skills to deal with the feelings that she had been blocking for so long.

After we worked on coping strategies, I helped Jane to connect with her dissociated emotions by helping her to pay attention to what was going on in her body.

Gradually, she was able to identify her emotions based on what she was feeling physically in her body.

When Jane decided to reconnect with her family, against her better judgment, she told them over dinner that she was in therapy.  She hoped that they might consider going to therapy too.

John left the table abruptly knocking down his chair as he walked out of the house.  Jane's parents remained silent.

But later on, while Jane was washing the dishes, her father told her that he had always felt that, out of all of his three children, she was the one who was "too sensitive," and she needed to learn to "toughen up."  He also told her that he didn't "believe" in therapy.

When Jane tried to tell him that she thought he was in denial about Bob's and John's problems, her father was outraged and said he couldn't believe she was saying this to him.

Why Is It That It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy?

Jane's mother remained silent for a while.  Then, she told Jane that she knew something was wrong with Jane when Jane tried to tell them that Bob and John had problems.  She told Jane she couldn't understand why Jane would say this, and it indicated to her that Jane was the one who had the most problems in the family.

As she spoke, her mother's voice escalated until she was shouting.  She told Jane that she couldn't believe that Jane was giving money to "some quack" and saying negative things about the family in therapy.

At that point, Jane was angry and humiliated.  Once again, she took a break from her family because she realized how unhealthy it was for her to be around them at this point.

Even though she was in therapy, she was just at the beginning stage of therapy and she didn't feel that she had consolidated the gains she had made so far.  She needed time to work on herself without her family's criticism and distorted views.

During Jane's next session in therapy, she was able to process her emotions about her family's reactions to her being in therapy.  Even though it was painful to feel these feelings, she was still relieved to be able to feel them instead of pushing them down.

Over time, Jane felt more confident in herself and the gains she made in therapy.  Since she still loved her family and she didn't want to remain estranged from them, she worked in therapy on how she could have them in her life while taking care of herself at the same time.

Jane realized that she couldn't change her family and it was useless to try.  All she could really do was to change herself and try to accept them as they were.

At the same time, she didn't want to feel emotionally abused when she went to visit her parents, so when she called them, she set some boundaries with them:  She wouldn't try to convince them to change how they felt, and they would agree not to tell her that she was the one who had the most problems in the family.

Jane's parents and John missed her so they agreed to keep their feelings about Jane's therapy to themselves.  Jane knew there was no perfect solution and she was resigned that this was the best that they could do.  So, when she went for visits to see her parents and her brother, everyone, including Jane, kept to the agreement.

A few years later, Jane got a call from her mother and, in a somewhat awkward tone, her mother revealed that she had recently found out from a friend that she really admired that this friend had been helped in therapy.  She talked about how shocked and dismayed she had been at first to hear that her friend was in therapy.  But, over time, her friend was persuasive in convincing her that she had been helped in therapy.  And, her mother said, she had to admit that she saw positive changes in her friend.

Jane knew that this was her mother's way of apologizing to her, and she felt relieved that her mother was starting to become more open minded.

In the meantime, Jane felt that she benefited from grieving the loss of her brother and regaining a part of herself that she had lost during all of those years that she was pushing down her emotions.

It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Goes to Therapy

She realized now that by numbing the uncomfortable feelings, she was also numbing all of her feelings, including any positive feelings.

Having worked through this issue in therapy for herself, she now had access to a range of emotions that she had been denying before, and she felt more alive than she had ever felt.

Focusing on Yourself Rather Than Trying to Change Your Family
It's a common experience that when someone from a dysfunctional family gets help in therapy, s/he wishes that the rest of her family would get help too.

Even though this longing often comes with the best of intentions, it often backfires in families that aren't ready to hear this.

Maintaining the status quo in the family often becomes paramount, even if it means pathologizing the healthiest member of the family.

Their rationale is often:  "If you're going for help, there must be something wrong with you" or that the family member who is going to therapy is being duped in some way by the therapist.

Another accusation that families make is that people who seek help in therapy are "weak" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: You're Weak If You Go to Therapy).

Although some families come around after a while, especially if they discover that someone that they admire outside of the family is attending therapy (as in the vignette above), many family members never change their minds in terms of identifying the person who is getting help as being the emotional "weak link" in the family.

Under those circumstances, usually, the best thing that you can for yourself is to focus on your own psychological development in therapy and not try to change your family.

As an adult, you might also want to consider whether you want to reveal that you're in therapy and, if you do, if you can deal with the potential criticism and hostility that might come from your family.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but many therapy clients learn a sense of self preservation under these circumstances and, in many circumstances, they learn to have a sense of compassion for their family members.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the vignette about Jane resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience dealing with this issue.  Although getting help might bring certain challenges with your family, the benefits, including leading a more fulfilling life, usually outweigh the challenges.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients who come from dysfunctional families to lead happier, more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families

The role of the child who is designated as the family scapegoat in dysfunctional families is to serve as the identified "problem" in the family.  Also known as the family's "black sheep," the child who is given this role tends to be the focus of the family.  

The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families

The family can point to the child who is placed in the role as the scapegoat and blame the family's problems on this child, which is the primary reason why families designate a particular child, usually the most vulnerable one, to be in this role.

When the Family Points to the Family Scapegoat,  They Divert Attention Away From More Serious Family Problems
More often than not, the family actually has more serious family problems than whatever problems the scapegoated child might have.  But by focusing on the child who is in the role of the scapegoat, the family is able to avoid looking at these more serious problems by pointing to this child as the source of their problems.

When young children are placed in this rigid role, they often believe that they're the source of the family's problems.  This is a heavy burden to place on a child and, aside from feeling overwhelmed by having this role imposed on him or her, the child often feels hurt, angry and shame.

Even if the child didn't have serious problems before, being burdened with this role can create its own problems.  It's not unusual for children who are in the role of the scapegoat to, then, develop emotional problems that affect them at home and at school.  This serves as further proof for the family that this child is the source of their problems.

Rigid Roles For Children Are Often Found in Dysfunctional and Alcoholic Families
Placing children in rigid roles often occurs in families where there is alcoholism.  Rather than deal with one or both parents' alcoholism, the family avoids dealing with it by saying that at least the scapegoated child is the "bad one" and is causing all the problems in the family.

If this family comes in for help, they usually point to the scapegoated child as the only problem because they want to avoid dealing with the alcoholism.  Sometimes, parents in these families go so far as to call  this child as "a loser,"which is a cruel and destructive way to describe any child.

Aside from placing one or more children in the rigid role of the "black sheep," these families often have other rigid roles, like designating another child as the "hero."  This is the child that the family points to with pride.  This child is pushed to be "the good one," and to get excellent grades and excel in other ways.

Even though it might seem preferable to be the "hero" than the scapegoated "black sheep," any kind of rigid role is destructive.  In the case of the "hero,"the child is expected to be perfect, which is another burdensome role to place on a child.  Also, parents often pit the "black sheep" and the "hero" against one another.

It's not unusual for adults, who were placed in this scapegoated role as children, to continue to feel like they're the "black sheep" in their adult lives.  Since they have internalized this role as children, they continue to believe it, sometimes for the rest of their lives, if they don't get help.  Internalizing this role can create feelings of low self worth, which can lead to problems with substance abuse, problems in relationships, and problems with the law.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you were considered the "black sheep" of your family when you were growing up, you don't need to continue to carry this burden as an adult.  You might not realize the toll that being designated as the family scapegoat can have on you throughout your life, especially if you believe it.

Psychotherapy can help you to overcome the emotional burden that was placed on you as a child so you no longer have to carry this burden as an adult.  You can work through this issue, free yourself from the destructive effects of your history, and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family

In my last post, I wrote about Overcoming Shame. In this post, I will introduce a particular aspect of the origin of shame and how it affects individuals in enmeshed families.

What is an "Enmeshed" Family?
Salvador Minuchen introduced the concept of enmeshed families in his family systems theory in the mid-1970s.

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family

An enmeshed family allows individual members little to no autonomy or personal boundaries. The roles among family members can be very rigid. One person might be "the scapegoat," another person might be "the hero" and so on.

These roles are not explicitly assigned. It's usually an unconscious process and much more subtle than that. The point is that individuals in this type of family often grow up not knowing how they really feel or what they want to do in their lives because they are encouraged to feel whatever the rest of the family feels (usually initiated by one or both of the parents) and strongly discouraged from developing their own feelings and preferences.

What are the Consequences of Growing Up in an Enmeshed Family?
There is often a strong sense of shame in enmeshed families. The family might designate a particular family member to contain these feelings of shame by making that member "the scapegoat" of the family.

When families scapegoat a particular family member, rather than looking at the dysfunctional family dynamic, they point to this family member and say that he or she is the cause of the family's problems.

Often, the scapegoated person is the one who strives to be an individual, which is threatening to the rest of the family. He or she is often the healthiest one in the family, but other family members don't see it this way. In their eyes, if only this family member would shape up and think and behave the way that the rest of the family does, everything would be all right. 

Needless to say, this person carries the family shame and often grows up to feel ashamed of him or herself and defective in some way. The other rigid roles that are assigned in this type of family also cause the individual members to feel ashamed as well.

Enmeshment leads to shame and shame often leads to depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, and other addictive behaviors as well as family violence.

How to Overcome the Effects of Enmeshment as an Adult
Often, enmeshed families do not seek mental health treatment unless they're forced to do it after serious problems have developed.

So, for instance, if one of the children begins to have problems in school and the local Bureau of Child Welfare investigates and finds abuse or neglect, the family is often encouraged (and sometimes mandated) to attend family therapy.

However, many times the family problems are overlooked because no one outside the family knows what's going on. So, the individual children grow up with a strong sense of shame and problems in their own intimate adult relationships, assuming that they are able to have intimate relationships.

For adults who grew up in enmeshed families, the idea of getting help for themselves might feel like they're being "disloyal to the family." They've grown up with such a strong sense that they must go along with the family dynamic that it's hard for them to think for themselves--let alone think or do something different from the rest of the family. 

If they are able to begin individual psychotherapy, they often feel highly ambivalent about the treatment and they might drop out before completing the work.

If you grew up in an enmeshed family, I recommend that you read John Bradshaw's books and find a psychotherapist who has worked with individuals who suffer with shame as a result of growing up in an enmeshed family. 

It might feel uncomfortable at first to seek help for yourself, but it can be enormously helpful to free you from the bonds of shame and allow you to flourish in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many individuals to overcome shame to be able to go on to lead satisfying lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Shame: Disengaged Families