Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty is important in most families and it usually works best when there is flexibility for individuals to be loyal family members at the same time that there room for individual autonomy and personal growth (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty usually includes:

• Being faithful and supportive of family members
• Being committed and trustworthy regarding family members
• Being emotionally present to offer support and encouragement during good times and bad
• Providing mutual support through life's challenges and successes
• Maintaining a shared identity

In addition to the above, a modern interpretation of family loyalty also includes:

• Challenging blind loyalty
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Prioritizing love over obligation (shifting from loyalty based on obligation to loyalty based on love, respect and mutual understanding)
• Encouraging personal growth (supporting each other's individual growth rather than demanding conformity)

Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Highly Traditional Family

Separation guilt is a psychological burden which occurs when individuals defy family expectations (see my article: Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Defying family expectations is usually perceived by the family as being disloyal.

Key aspects of separation guilt for adult children can include:

• Breaching family expectations
• Perceived disloyalty to the family
• Emotional manipulation by family members (either consciously or unconsciously)
• Conflict with internalized beliefs 
• Fear and anxiety about being an individual in a family that expects conformity
• Fear of being ostracized from the family

This often leads to internalized conflict for individuals who prioritize their emotional and psychological well-being over family expectations.

In highly traditional families where family loyalty is prioritized over individual needs, family expectations can be spoken or unspoken and these expectations often include:

• Family obligations over individual independence, autonomy and personal growth
• A high degree of interdependence among family members where personal boundaries are blurred
• Conformity to established beliefs, traditions and values without question or deviation

How to Cope With Separation Guilt in a Highly Traditional Family

Coping with separation guilt can be very challenging.

Every situation will be different, but here are some tips that can be helpful:

• Identify and Acknowledge Your Feelings: Rather than suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to identify and acknowledge your feelings without judging them. This can include guilt, sadness, anxiety and shame.

• Explore the Root Cause of Your Guilt: Understand that feeling guilty doesn't mean you're wrong.  Assess the specific situation and the family traditions or beliefs that are causing the conflict within yourself.

• Recognize the Difference Between Guilt and Shame: Guilt is about a specific action and shame is about a more pervasive feeling about who you are as a person (see my article: What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?). Writing in a journal to clarify your thoughts and feelings can be helpful.

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

• Set Clear Boundaries: If you have decided to pursue a particular course of action that conflicts with your family's traditions and you know it is what is best for your own emotional and psychological well-being, recognize that this isn't a betrayal to your family--even though they might think it is. Clearly and respectfully communicate your needs to your family. Set clear boundaries with family members to protect your well-being (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

• Focus on Your Life: Focus on building a life that affirms your values and needs. Set new personal goals and spend time with people who are supportive.

• Find Emotional Support: Connect with supportive loved ones and/or join a support group for people in similar situations.

• Seek Professional Help: If you're having difficulty coping with separation guilt, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to navigate complex family dynamics.

Clinical Vignettes

The following examples of separation guilt are composites of many different cases:

• The Family Business: When Tom graduated college, he decided to pursue a career outside of the family business. Prior to making this decision, his highly traditional parents expected Tom to join the family business after graduation. When Tom told his parents about his decision, they were stunned. His father inherited the business from his father and grandfather. He was very disappointed because he expected Tom to take over one day and continue the family tradition. If Tom didn't join the family business, the business would have to be sold after the father retired. Although Tom felt anxious and sad about disappointing his parents, he knew he needed to follow his own path rather than conform to family expectations. Even though he felt separation guilt, Tom focused on his personal needs and goals with the support of friends and other family members. After a few rough years, Tom's parents conceded that he needed to follow his own dreams and they were able to reconcile.

• Religious Conversion: Ann was raised in a highly religious family. When she was a child, she adhered to her family's religious beliefs, but when she turned 21 and she was no longer living with her family, she questioned that religion. She also explored the possibility of other religions and discovered she liked Buddhism. When she spoke with her family about it, they were very upset. They couldn't believe she would abandon the family religion after all the sacrifices the family made to come to the United States for religious freedom. They were so upset that they refused to speak with her. Ann had never gone against her family and the estrangement caused her significant separation guilt. After she invited them to a few family therapy sessions, she was shocked that they forgave her. Although her family still wasn't happy that she wasn't practicing their religion, they agreed she was an adult, she could make her own decisions and they welcomed her back into the family.

• Racism: Jake was aware that his family was racist, but he hoped that once they met his girlfriend, Tania, they would grow to know and love her. He wasn't prepared for their anger and upset when they told him they didn't even want to meet her. Over time, they remained adamant and they refused to come to Jack and Tania's wedding. They told him that no one in their family had ever married anyone from a different race and they were appalled. On his wedding day, Jake had a heavy feeling in his heart because his family wasn't there, but he loved Tania and he wouldn't let his family stop him from marrying her. Two years later, his father had a massive heart attack. Although he survived, the heart attack took its toll. When Jake's sister called him, he and Tania went to the hospital to visit the father who was in a weakened state. When he saw Jake, he looked happy and he even extended his hand to Tania. He told Jake and Tania he was a foolish old man and it took a heart attack to make him realize he wanted them back in his life.

• Homophobia: Ben knew from the time he was a young boy that he was gay, but while he lived at home he kept his homosexuality a secret, which was painful for him. When he went away to college, he met the young man who became his life partner, Nick. For the year, Ben kept his relationship a secret from the family. During the holidays, Ben and Nick went home to each of their families, but the secret they were keeping was taking a toll on them. Two years into their relationship, Ben and Nick decided that it was more painful to keep their relationship a secret than it was to come out to each of their families. Nick knew his family would be accepting so when he came out to them and introduced them to Ben, they were warm and welcoming. Ben's family was a different story. They were very traditional and very conservative. He came out to his older brother first because he knew it would be easier. Although his brother was surprised, he told Ben he would always love him. But when Ben told his parents, they were very upset. His father told him to leave the family home and never come back. Although this was hurtful for Ben, he knew he was being true to himself and to Nick. Several years went by before Ben's brother was able to act as a go-between to try to bring about a reconciliation. By then, his parents had missed Ben a lot and their stance had softened somewhat. To help them understand his homosexuality, Ben gave them information about PFLAG, an organization for families of gay adult children and they began attending meetings. With the support of PFLAG, they decided they didn't want to be estranged from their son, so they invited Ben and Nick to a family dinner. Ben's father struggled to understand Ben's homosexuality and to accept his gay relationship, but he realized he loved his son and he didn't want to shun him anymore (see my article: Famly Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia).

Conclusion

Separation guilt often occurs when a family member defies family traditions and the family considers this to be disloyal.

The individual who experiences separation guilt might know logically that they are making the right personal decision for their own growth and happiness, but they can still feel guilty and ashamed for going against a family tradition.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're experiencing separation guilt, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional to help you to get through a difficult time.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to get through this difficult time.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in psychotherapy so you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

New psychotherapy clients, who have never been in therapy before, often ask why therapists ask about family history as part of the beginning phase of therapy.

Talking About Family History as a First Step in Therapy

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

Here are the main reasons why asking about family history is so important to the success of therapy:

• Family Dynamics: The family dynamics often reflect how someone in that family sees themself and how they interact in their relationships with others, including romantic relationships. Family dynamics, which are internalized at an early age, often remain unconscious until someone begins therapy and learns to see connections between their early experiences and their adult relationships (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

• Attachment Patterns: Attachment patterns developed at an early age tend to affect adult relationships. Similar to internalized family dynamics, attachment patterns are often unconscious so that a client is often unaware of it until they develop insight about the affect of these dynamics in therapy (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Develop Early in Childhood

• Transmission of Psychological Trauma: It's not unusual for there to be unprocessed trauma that gets transmitted from one generation to the next in a family. When an individual gets help in trauma therapy, they can see the origins of their trauma and process the trauma so it no longer affects them and it doesn't get passed on to the next generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

• Learned Behavior: Individuals often learn patterns of behavior early in their childhood. They might not be aware they learned this behavior, including how to express emotions, how to deal with stress and how to interact with others, until they become aware of these dynamics in therapy. During therapy their therapist helps them to make connections between their current behavior and what they learned (explicitly or implicitly) early in life (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Genetic Factors: Certain mental health conditions have a genetic component. This includes anxiety, depression, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), autism spectrum disorder and other mental health conditions. Knowing about the possibility of genetic factors can help a client to understand their risk for developing these conditions, help with early detection and make informed mental health treatment decisions.

How Do Psychotherapists Use Family History Information?

Different therapists use family history information in different ways.

As an Experiential therapist with a specialty in trauma therapy, I like to get a family history during the early phase of therapy.  This is part of history taking which, depending upon what the client wants to work on, includes family history, current family dynamics, the history of other significant relationships as well as the history of the presenting problem.

By having the family history, the client and I can work towards:

• Identify recurring patterns

• Understand the context of the client's current problems

• Develop coping skills, strategies and internal resources to do trauma therapy.

• Process the trauma using various forms of therapy (see below)

Conclusion

Getting a family history during the beginning phase of therapy is an important first step in helping clients to overcome their emotional challenges.

Experiential therapists know the client's awareness and insight isn't enough to heal (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Insight is only the first step before the therapist helps clients to work through and overcome their problems through a variety of Experiential Therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Psychotherapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis
  

• Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family System also known as IFS as well as Ego States Therapy)

• Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (also known as depth therapy)

All of these Experiential therapy modalities are effective types of therapy depending upon the client and the presenting problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with emotional issues you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between "Tough Love" and Verbal Abuse

The concept of tough love has been around for decades and it has often been used to justify verbal abuse and bullying.

Rationalizing Verbal Abuse With Tough Love

The practice of tough love is used in many families, sports teams and gymnastic competitions.

In recent years, tough love has been exposed, especially in gymnastics, foir what it really is--a form of verbal abuse and bullying.

The Connection Between "Tough Love" and Verbal Abuse

For many years, tough love has been justified as a way to disparage any form of mental anguish including grief, sadness and other forms of mental and physical distress.

In my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, many clients have recounted how they were ridiculed and shamed by parents who justified the verbal abuse of tough love by telling their young children that they were doing this for the children's own good.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates the trauma of tough love and how trauma therapy can help:

Jim

When Jim described his upbringing, he said his father used tough love with him.

Jim said he was never good at sports. He preferred to draw, play piano, and go out into nature, but his father, who was also Jim's baseball coach, told him that those activities were for "sissies". He told Jim he needed to "toughen up".

Jim was nine years old when he played on the baseball team his father coached his team.

Whenever Jim made mistakes during baseball practice, his father would lose his temper and yell at him, "What the hell are you doing, you sissy! You missed the ball by a mile!"

Jim said he would feel so ashamed and humiliated by his father's bullying that he try to hide his tears, but his father's response was, "Stop crying, you crybaby!"

Usually his father would refuse to speak to him on the drive back home, which made Jim feel even worse.  

Then, when they got home, his father would disappear in the garage to avoid Jim and Jim would sit with his mother in the kitchen.

His mother tended to be the more compassionate parent, but she seemed to be intimidated by her husband's temper, so she would try to soothe Jim by telling him, "You know your father loves you. When he yells at you, that's just his way of using tough love to help you."

Even though he knew his parents loved him, Jim was confused when his mother told him this. He couldn't understand why his father's attempts to help him made him feel so bad.

He was also aware that his father was raised by parents who constantly berated him and so he was repeating this pattern with Jim because he grew up believing that tough love was the best way to raise children.

As an adult, Jim tended to choose romantic partners who were verbally abusive. These relationships were very painful for him and further eroded his self esteem.

During his time in therapy, Jim was able to make the connection between his unhealthy romantic choices and his early childhood experiences with his father (see my article: Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

Once he saw the connection, he wanted to overcome his history of trauma because he realized his history was getting unconsciously repeated in his adult relationships with women.

Using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family Systems as well as Ego States Therapy), we worked on his history of trauma.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim made steady progress so that, by the time he completed therapy, he no longer felt affected by his traumatic childhood and he chose healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Tough love by any other name is verbal abuse, shame inducing, a form of bullying and traumatic.

Verbal abuse can have lifelong consequences for adults including the choices relationship choices they make.

If you're experiencing the negative impact of tough love, you could benefit from seeking help from a trauma therapist.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life free of your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist for over 20 years, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

Many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

What Are Parentified Children?

Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:

• Providing emotional support to their parents 

• Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores

• Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults

• Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family

• Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members

• Paying bills

• Making doctor's appointments, and so on

This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?

Some of the signs of parentification include:

• Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage

• Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family

• Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

• As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child

• As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child

• As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)

• As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 

• As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them

Why Causes Parentification?

Parentification can occur for many reasons.

In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

Why is Parentification Traumatic?

Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

Parentification Can Cause Anxiety and Depression

In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?

There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Somatic Experiencing Therapy 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Parentification is more common than you might think.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.