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Showing posts with label developmental trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label developmental trauma. Show all posts

Sunday, March 9, 2025

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

The terms "trauma" and "PTSD" (posttraumatic stress disorder) are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference.

Understanding the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD

What is Trauma?
Trauma is an emotional response to an overwhelming event which could include shock trauma or developmental trauma .

Shock trauma is a one-time event like a robbery, an accident or the devastating effect of a hurricane, to name just a a few examples of shock trauma.

Developmental trauma is ongoing trauma experienced during childhood due to stressful and traumatic events including physical and emotional abuse, physical or emotional neglect, violence, and chronic instability.

The effects of trauma can include (but are not limited to):
  • Sadness
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Avoidance of people, places and things related to the trauma
  • Anger
  • Dissociation
  • Confusion
  • Exhaustion
  • Numbing emotions and numbing yourself to your environment
  • Nightmares
Symptoms from shock trauma and developmental trauma can persist for weeks, months, years or a lifetime.  

When symptoms of trauma persist and evolve over time, these symptoms can develop into posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if the symptoms of trauma go untreated.

What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?
Even though PTSD and trauma are closely related, they are not the same.

Understanding the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD

"Post" in posttraumatic stress disorder refers to the physical, emotional and psychological impact after trauma occurs.

Whereas trauma is a response to an overwhelming event, PTSD is a more serious mental health condition.

The effects. of PTSD are divided into four categories:
  • Re-experiencing symptoms: Flashbacks including emotional flashbacks, nightmares and frightening thoughts
  • Avoidance: Avoiding people, places and things related to the traumatic event(s) and avoiding related thoughts and feelings
  • Mood and Cognition: Problems remembering details of the trauma, a negative view of oneself and a lack of interest in hobbies or interactions that were pleasurable before
What is Trauma Therapy?
Trauma therapy includes a variety of therapy modalities including (but not limited to):
  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  • AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
Understanding Trauma Therapy
Why is It Important to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?
Whether you're experiencing unresolved trauma or PTSD, symptoms often get worse over time so seeking help in trauma therapy sooner rather than later is recommended.

Understanding the Importance of Trauma Therapy

Both trauma and PTSD symptoms can carry over intergenerationally, which means that your unresolved trauma can have a significant impact on your children and future generations (see my articles: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
If you have been struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

After you have worked through your trauma, you can free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.







Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

When considering psychological trauma, it's important to know there are different types of trauma, including developmental trauma and shock trauma


Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

In this article I'm focusing on unresolved developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, and the need for control as an adult.

What is Psychological Trauma?
Since I'm focusing on developmental trauma (trauma that occurs over time in childhood), the definition of psychological trauma in this context is a person's unique experience of feeling emotional distress in response to ongoing events that overwhelmed their capacity to cope.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

It's important to emphasize that a traumatic response is unique to the individual. So, it's not the events per se that's traumatic--it's a how the individual experiences the events. 

Children who are identical twins might experience the same events in their family where one of them is traumatized and the other is not.  So, each person has their own unique psychological makeup and their own particular response to what happened.

Another factor is whether or not the person who experienced overwhelming events as a child had emotional support at the time or whether they felt alone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: What is AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)?).

A child who had emotional support from a loving relative will usually have a better psychological outcome than a child who went through distressing event feeling alone.

Feeling Powerless as Part of Chronic Developmental Trauma
Feeling of powerlessness is an important part of developmental trauma.

A feeling of powerlessness is especially prevalent during chronic developmental trauma where there is ongoing exposure to emotionally overwhelming events.  These individuals feel they have no power to stop, change or control these events.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

For instance, a young child who has repeated experiences of hearing their parents' arguments escalate into physical violence will most likely feel terrified and powerless to do anything about their parents' fights.

Even if this same child, who is terrified, is able to muster the courage to knock on their parents' bedroom to try to get them to stop the fighting, the parents might respond in ways that make the incident even more terrifying. 

One or both parents might invalidate the child's fear by saying, "Nothing is wrong. Go back to your room" which can be very confusing for the child. 

Alternatively, the parents might respond in other ways that make the event even scarier.  For example, one of the parents might threaten the child by saying something like, "Get back to your room or you'll get a spanking!" or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

This leaves the child in an untenable situation where not only can they not control what's happening but they also fear they will get physically punished.

An hour or two later these same parents, who might be highly volatile with each other at times, might emerge from their bedroom and act as if nothing happened in front of the child. 

Not only does this invalidate the child's fear and make the child feel alone, it can also makes the child wonder if there's something wrong with him or her to fear a situation where the parents are now acting normal.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control
In the example given above, if there are ongoing events like this where the child feels powerless and alone, this child will mostly likely grow up with a strong need to feel in control of their own life, their loved ones' lives and the circumstances around them.

One of the consequences of a history of unresolved trauma and feelings of powerlessness is that individuals often become emotionally triggered when they find themselves in situations where they feel they can't exert control.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

The need for exerting control will vary from one individual to another depending upon the person and the particular situation. But most individuals who experienced chronic trauma growing up don't want to re-experience the sense of powerlessness they experienced as children. This creates in them the need to exert control.

The need to feel in control is a self protective mechanism whereby the individual tries to create a safe space so they don't feel the same terrifying feelings they experienced as a child.

For individuals who grew up in unpredictable circumstances where it felt like anything could happen at any time, the need for predictability is paramount.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Need For Control Based on Unresolved Trauma?
The following are some of the signs people might experience when they have a need to be in control based on unresolved trauma:
  • Fear of Ambiguous Situations: They can be very uncomfortable (maybe even panicked) when a situation is unclear. Ambiguous situations can be highly triggering for them which will, in turn, trigger their need to exert control over the situation.
  • Setting Rigid Boundaries: They might set rigid boundaries so relationships and situations feel predictable with no second guessing about what might or might not happen.
  • Fear of Vulnerability: They might have a hard time opening up to other people. As a result, they might not feel comfortable sharing personal information about themselves because they fear the other person might use this information against them (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in a Relationship).
Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control
  • Fear of Talking About the Past: They might not like talking about their past because they fear getting triggered again and also fear trusting someone else with this information.
  • Fear of Allowing Others to Get to Know Them: They might be hard to get to know because they are protecting themselves from getting hurt again.
  • Fear of Intimate Relationships: They might avoid getting into intimate relationships because of their fear of vulnerability.
  • You're Either For Them or Against Them: They might feel you're either for them or against them. There might not feel anything in between (no gray area).
  • Fear of Trusting Others: If they feel disappointed or letdown by someone, they might not trust that person again.
  • A Need for Predictability: Due to their need for predictability, they might have unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations of others (see my article: Perfection vs Good Enough).
  • Fear of Risks: They might be risk averse. They might avoid anything that is risky or feels dangerous to them in any way.  This can include the possibility of getting hurt in a relationship, making financial decisions that might involve a degree of risk, making a career change and so on.
  • Fear of Abandonment: They might have a strong fear of abandonment. Since their childhood experiences might have included feeling emotionally abandoned by their parents, who were supposed to take care of them, they might fear abandonment in any close relationship.
What's the First Step in Healing Psychological Trauma?
Since developmental trauma occurs in the context of a relationship, healing also needs to occur in the context of a relationship (this is one of the reasons why self help books are often only minimally, if at all, helpful in terms of healing trauma).
Healing Psychological Trauma and Awareness

Unfortunately, people who experienced developmental trauma as children often don't trust relationships. They might have a strong need to feel loved, but they also dread feeling loved because of their early experiences of feeling unsafe (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Many people who have unresolved developmental trauma continue to use the same protective strategies they used as children. While these strategies might have helped them at the time, they no longer work for them. 

One of those strategies often included avoiding close relationships.

Developing an awareness about the impact of unresolved trauma is an important first step. 

Without an acknowledgement of the impact, there's often a lack of motivation and fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
Many people seek help in trauma therapy when the pain of doing nothing becomes greater than their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the issues that keep you stuck with the impact of unresolved trauma.

If you're feeling stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help in trauma therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I believe people have an innate ability to heal from traumatic experiences with the help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

























Sunday, August 25, 2024

What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?

Many clients who come to see me for unresolved trauma grew up as parentified children (see my article: What is the Impact of Parentification on Adult Relationships?).

The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

What Are Parentified Children?
Parentification is a role reversal between parents and children.

Parentified children are children who grew up taking on adult responsibilities in their family. 

These responsibilities might include:
  • Providing emotional support to their parents 
  • Taking care of younger siblings as a regular part of their chores
  • Taking on major household chores that are normally done by adults
  • Taking on the stress of financial problems and other major stressors in the family
  • Mediating arguments between their parents and/or other adult family members
  • Paying bills
  • Making doctor's appointments, and so on
This often occurs when children's parents either can't or won't assume parental responsibilities and they might also unable to take care of themselves.

What Are the Signs of Parentification?
Some of the signs of parentification include:
  • Children being praised by their parents and other adults for being "so good" or "so responsible" when they take on tasks beyond their developmental stage
  • Children feeling they have to be the peacemakers in the family
  • Getting in trouble with their parents when they wanted to engage in children's activities because parents wanted them to stay home to take care of adult responsibilities
    The Traumatic Impact of Parentification
    • As an adult not being able to remember being allowed to be a child
    • As an adult feeling they were given responsibilities beyond their capacity as a child
    • As an adult feeling they had to "grow up fast" (beyond their developmental capacities)
    • As an adult only feeling comfortable in the role of a caretaker to a partner or spouse 
    • As an adult feeling they have to be so "self reliant" to the point of not trusting others, including significant others, to come through for them
    Why Causes Parentification?
    Parentification can occur for many reasons.

    In many instances the parents of parentified children grew up as parentified children themselves so it seems normal and familiar to them.  

    The Traumatic Impact of Parentification

    Since they were parentified children, these parents might never have learned to manage their emotions because they were preoccupied with taking care of their parents' emotions.  

    As a result, it's not unusual to find a long history of parentified children from one generation to the next.

    In other instances parents might have mental health or substance abuse problems and they are unable to take on parental responsibilities so one or more of their children take on these responsibilities.

    Why is Parentification Traumatic?
    Parentified children often feel they are special when they are children because they feel they are helping their parents and often get complimented for it. But, as adults, they might begin to sense that something didn't go right when they were children (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

    For instance, when they hear other adults talk about their childhood, many adults who grew up as parentified children sense they missed out on being a child.  For many people this is the beginning of their questioning why they took on their parents' responsibilities and what affect it might have had on them (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

    Parentification also causes the disruption of the child's natural maturational process which often leads to negative consequences for their long term health and mental health including anxiety and depression and chronic health problems.

    Parentification Can Cause Anxiety and Depression

    In addition, as previously mentioned, parentification often develops into intergenerational trauma as the trauma is perpetuated from one generation to the next.

    How Can You Heal From the Trauma of Parentification?
    There are specific types of therapy, known as trauma therapy, for parentification and other types of developmental trauma:

    EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

    Ego States Therapy (similar to Internal Family Systems Therapy or Parts Work Therapy)

    AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)


    Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
    Parentification is more common than you might think.

    Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

    Even though parentification might have been normalized in your family, you might realize it had a negative emotional impact on you.

    Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified trauma therapist so you can overcome trauma and lead a more fulfilling life.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples to help them overcome trauma.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.












    Monday, August 19, 2024

    Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?

    One of the questions that I often hear from clients in my New York City psychotherapy private practice is, "Why is trauma from a long time ago still affecting me now?" (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

    Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

    Before discussing why past psychological trauma can still impact you now, let's first discuss the possible physical and emotional effects of unresolved trauma.

    Possible Physical Effects of Unresolved Trauma
    • Headaches
    • Aches and pains throughout the body
    • Tiredness
    • Sweating
    • Changes in appetite 
    • Difficulty managing stress
    • Sleep problems
    • Memory problems
    • Dizziness
    • Changes in vision
    • Long term health problems
    • Fight response
    • Fawn response
    • Flight response
    • Freeze response
    • Substance Misuse and other addictive and compulsive behavior (e.g, gambling overspending, etc)
    Possible Emotional Effects of Unresolved Trauma
    • Anger/irritability
    • Emotional numbing (an inability to feel strong emotions)
    • Sadness and Grief
    • Worrying
    • Confusion
    • Problems with knowing what you want
    • Shame
    • Fear
    • Panic
    • Hypervigilance: Being very alert to your surroundings because you fear something is going to happen
    • A loss of a sense of who you are
    • Flashbacks triggered by current situations
    • Hypersensitivity to the comments and behavior of well-meaning people who are close to you
    What Are Possible Day-to-Day Responses to Unresolved Trauma?
    Unresolved trauma can impact your day-to-day living in terms of:
    • Taking care of yourself
    • Difficulty trusting others even when you have no objective reason to mistrust these particular people
    • Difficulty maintaining romantic relationships, friendships and familial relationships
    • Difficulty in school and college
    • Difficulty setting goals
    • Difficulty maintaining a job and getting along with managers and colleagues
    • Difficulty making decisions
    • Lack of motivation
    • Difficulty with change
    • Difficulty with how to manage free time 
    Why Does Trauma That Happened a Long Time Ago Affect You Now?
    Unresolved trauma remains stored in your mind and body.  

    Regardless of when the trauma originally occurred, the impact can last for years if the trauma remains unresolved and untreated.

    Everyone experiences unresolved trauma in their own way and symptoms can change over time.

    You might not experience a noticeable impact of the trauma until it gets triggered later in life and, at that point, you might not understand what you're reacting to when you experience symptoms.

    Even if the trauma occurred decades ago and the current situation doesn't appear to be related to what happened in the past, you could experience emotional and/or physical symptoms now based on what happened in the past (see Example #3 below).

    Examples
    #1. As a child, you grew up in a household where your parents would often have loud arguments at night which made you feel scared. As an adult, you live next door to a couple who has loud arguments and you feel scared because your neighbors are triggering your earlier experience.

    #2. You were traumatized during combat by a nearby explosion and after you leave the military, you react physically and/or emotionally when a car backfires near you.

    #3. When you were a child, you were in a situation where you were scared and helpless and then, as an adult, you're in a plane where there's a lot of turbulence which triggers your childhood feelings of fear and helplessness.
        
        Note: In Example #3 the two situations are different, but what gets triggered, fear and helplessness, is the same.

    There are many other obvious as well as subtle triggers that can impact you long after the original trauma occurred.

    Shock Trauma vs Developmental Trauma
    Psychological trauma is usually categorized as either a one-time trauma, also known as a shock trauma, or developmental trauma, also known as childhood trauma.

    Shock trauma tends to be incidents that occur once, such as a tornado, a car accident, a robbery, and so on (see my article: Understanding Shock Trauma)

    Developmental trauma, which is trauma that tends to be ongoing during childhood (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself).

    Developmental trauma usually tends to be of a more serious nature because it's ongoing.  However, a shock trauma can also trigger symptoms related to developmental trauma.

    For instance, if a person is beaten up and robbed, which is a one-time trauma, that one-time incident can trigger symptoms related to being physically and emotionally abused as a child.

    So, even when it appears that there aren't layers of trauma involved with a one-time incident, a trauma therapist needs to explore whether there are underlying traumas that are getting triggered, similar to Example #3 above.

    Intergenerational Trauma
    In addition, psychological trauma can get unconsciously passed on from one generation to the next (see my article:  What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

    Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
    Unresolved trauma can get worked through in trauma therapy (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

    Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

    There are now many different types of trauma therapy, such as:

    EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

    AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)


    And other modalities that were developed specifically for trauma that can help you to work through trauma (see my article: Why Experiential (Mind-Body Oriented) Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

    Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

    Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live a more meaningful life.

    About Me
    I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

    With over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist, one of my specialties is helping clients to work through unresolved trauma.

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

    Tuesday, September 29, 2020

    Resolving Relationship Problems Between Individuals With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles

    In my recent articles, I've been focusing on the effect of trauma on emotionally unavailable people with avoidant attachment style.  In my last article, Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People, I provided a vignette about two fictional characters, John and Nina, as a typical example of how the combination of two individuals with an avoidant attachment style and an anxious attachment style can impact on a relationship.  In this article, I will discuss how experiential therapy can help to resolve these problems.


    Resolving Relationship Problems Between Individuals With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles

    Clinical Vignette: Resolving Relationship Problems For a Couple With Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles 

    John and Nina
    In the vignette about John and Nina from my prior article, John had an avoidant attachment style and Nina had an anxious attachment style.  Nina wanted to take their relationship to the next level by the two of them moving in together, but John felt that Nina was too "clingy" and preferred to maintain the status quo.  

    Nina felt their relationship was stagnant.  Since Nina came from a family where problems were discussed, she wanted to have a discussion with John about their problems.  However, John, who came from a family where discussions about family or individual problems were avoided, felt uncomfortable with this.  John felt defensive whenever Nina told him that he didn't meet her emotional needs.  

    Listening to his childhood stories, Nina was shocked to hear the level of emotional neglect endured by John and his siblings.  However, John didn't see it that way.  He felt that he and his siblings "built character" and learned to be more independent.  He said his family didn't need to talk about emotional issues, and he and his siblings didn't want to "bother" their parents with their problems (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).  As a result of their different perspectives, Nina and John were at an impasse.

    Although Nina's family tended to be more communicative with each other, Nina grew up feeling she wasn't good enough because her parents compared her unfavorably to her sister.  She brought those same anxious feelings of inadequacy into her relationship with John.  She saw his emotional unavailability as a reflection on her, and she felt that he didn't feel she was good enough for him.  

    As things came to a head in their relationship, Nina told John that she wanted each of them to attend therapy to deal with their problems.  Although he was reluctant at first, John loved Nina and he didn't want to lose her, so he agreed to see a therapist.

    At the recommendation of friends, Nina and John chose experiential therapists (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

        Nina:
    Nina had no problem discussing her feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in her therapy.  She was open to talking about her family history and the connection between her feelings of not being good enough in her family as well as her feeling that way in her relationship with John.  

    However, Nina's feelings of inadequacy also carried over into her relationship with her therapist.  She worried that she wasn't being a good enough client in her therapy.  Sensing Nina's feelings of not being good enough her therapist raised the issue so they could talk about it.  She told Nina that issues that clients face in their daily life often surface in therapy, so this wasn't unusual.  When she heard this, Nina admitted that she worried that her therapist might think that she wasn't as insightful or making the kind of progress that other clients might be making.  

    Being able to discuss this issue in therapy helped Nina to see how her insecurities and anxious attachment style affected almost every area in her life, and that the origin of these feelings came from her childhood experiences.  

    Being able to talk about her anxious, insecure feelings was a relief for Nina.  She could see how the trauma of her parents constantly pointing out that she didn't measure up to her sister affected her and carried over into her adult relationships, including her relationship with John.  

    To overcome this trauma, her therapist recommended EMDR therapy (How Does EMDR Therapy Work?).  Over time, Nina grieved for her childhood experiences, and she began to feel more confident in her relationship with John and in her relationships in general.

    Nina also began to understand and have compassion for herself as well as for John for his experiences of emotional neglect as a child.  She could see the connection between his childhood experiences and his avoidant attachment style, so she became more patient with John.

        John:
    Although John was initially reluctant to attend individual therapy, he tried to be more open and less defensive in his therapy.  He liked his therapist, which helped him to feel more at ease in therapy.  He was also curious about how individual attachment styles affect relationships (How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

    Although he was reluctant to talk about his family history at first, he felt genuinely cared about by his therapist and this helped him to open up.  As he talked about himself as a child who didn't want to bother his parents with his problems, he realized that he was neglected as a child.  This surprised him because when he spoke to Nina about it, he felt a sense of pride that he learned to be emotionally "independent" as a child. But, without the pressure of Nina complaining to him about their relationship, he was more open and he began to see how sad and lost he felt as a child without emotional support.

    His experiential therapist practiced AEDP therapy and, as part of that therapy, she did Ego States work (also known as Parts Work).  She asked John to imagine himself as a young boy at home with his family and what it was like to feel so alone.  In response, John told her that he remembered telling himself as a boy that he would never depend on anyone ever.  This brought tears to John's eyes.

    Then John's therapist asked him to shift his focus from his childhood self to his adult self who was looking at his childhood self.  In response, John felt nurturing feelings for his childhood self and imagined giving his younger self a hug and reassurance that he would always be there for him.

    His work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, however, over time, John was able to see the connection between his childhood emotional neglect and his avoidant attachment style.  And, as he developed a greater sense of trust in his therapist, he also opened up and became more loving towards Nina.

        John and Nina:
    As each of them worked through their emotional issues in therapy, John and Nina got closer.  They were able to talk more easily about the problems in their relationship.  Nina no longer felt anxious that she wasn't good enough in John's eyes.  John no longer saw Nina as "clingy" and he wanted to make a greater commitment to their relationship.  Within a year of being in their individual therapies, they moved in together and talked about getting married.

    Conclusion
    Attachment styles develop in early childhood.  

    People with avoidant and anxious attachment styles often get together in relationships.  It's one of the most common pairings.  Often, their individual attachment styles eventually alienates them from each other, as in the case of John and Nina.  

    Depending upon the needs of the couple, it's often beneficial for each person to attend individual therapy to understanding the roots of their attachment style and work through unresolved trauma before they can resolve their problems in their relationship.

    If the couple is still having relationship problems, Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) can be helpful so they can see how their individual patterns relate to their relationship issues and work to change problematic patterns.

    Getting Help in Therapy
    If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from attending therapy with an experiential therapist.

    Regular talk therapy can help you to develop intellectual insight into your problems, but often the problem doesn't change because insight alone isn't enough.  

    Although insight is important, experiential therapists know that change occurs on an emotional level--not just on an intellectual level.  

    About Me
    I am a licensed NYC experiential psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    I am currently working online with clients.  Online therapy is also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy), 

    To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

























    Monday, August 24, 2020

    Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People

    In my prior article I began a discussion about people who are emotionally unavailable with an avoidant attachment style.  I'm continuing the discussion about this topic in this article with a clinical vignette that illustrates the impact of trauma and how these issues often affect relationships (see my article: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).


    Relationships: Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People

    The Major Characteristics of Emotionally Unavailable People/Avoidant Attachment Style
    Before I provide a clinical vignette, here's a recap of some of the major characteristics of emotionally unavailable people.
    People who are emotionally unavailable usually exhibit at least some of the following characteristics, including:
    • Steering clear or making attempts to reduce emotional closeness in romantic relationships 
    • Avoiding commitment in relationships, which can be done in a number of ways:
      • Giving mixed signals about being in a committed relationship
      • Stating explicitly they only want to be in a non-monogamous relationship
      • Agreeing to be monogamous in a relationship but betraying this agreement with infidelity (i.e., cheating by having sexual affairs on the side)
      • Labeling their partner as "clingy," "emotionally needy," "wanting too much" and "a nag" when their partner wants to be closer
    • Feeling "trapped" in a committed relationship (if they do make a commitment)
    • Tuning out when their partner attempts to talk to them about wanting to be closer
    • Seeing themselves as being emotionally "independent" (however, this is really a pseudo-independence because it's an unconscious defensive strategy to cover underlying fear)
    • Becoming emotionally distant and aloof during an argument, conflict or other stressful situations
    • Seeking a partner's emotional support in a crisis indirectly by hinting, complaining or sulking rather than being direct in their communication
    • Using an unconscious defensive strategy of trying to display a high regard for themselves while being suspicious, cynical and dismissive of other people's vulnerabilities and what they perceive as "weakness" in other people (this defensive strategy protects a fragile sense of self and feelings of low self worth)
    • Reacting angrily when their partner does not affirm and support their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self
    • Struggling with an internal critical voice, which is in conflict with their defensive strategy of an inflated sense of self.  This internal critical voice often involves thoughts like:
      • "You're independent. You don't need anyone else."
      • "Don't get too close or you'll be hurt and disappointed."
      • "Why is she (or he) so demanding?"
      • "There are more important things in life than being in a relationship."
      • "She's not good enough for you" or "You're too good for her."
      • "Being in a relationship involves putting up with a lot."
    A Clinical Vignette: Relationships: The Impact of Trauma on Emotionally Unavailable People
    The following fictional vignette illustrates typical problems people who are emotionally unavailable with an avoidant attachment style can have in a relationship. People with an avoidant attachment style often get together with people who have an anxious attachment style:

    John
    John met Nina at a mutual friend's party when they were both in their late 30s.  He sensed the chemistry between them immediately and he liked her obvious intelligence and quirky sense of humor.

    Three years later, they were struggling to salvage their relationship.  John resented what he perceived as Nina's "clinginess."  He felt she was always making too many emotional demands of him, and he couldn't understand why she couldn't just be happy with what they had in their relationship.  He really didn't like that she was constantly telling him that he wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

    Nina felt that their relationship was at a point where it was stagnant and no longer developing.  She would have liked for them to move in together, but John said he needed his space and he wanted to continue to live on his own.  Other than saying this, he refused to talk about the subject any further because he didn't see the point.

    When Nina explained that she came from a family where they talked about their feelings and if there was a problem, they would have a family meeting to discuss it, John laughed scornfully about this, "No one had time in my family to talk about feelings. Both of my parents worked long hours and when they got home, they were too exhausted to talk.  My brothers and I weren't coddled like you were.  We had to learn to fend for ourselves and that's what made me the independent person that I am today."

    When Nina listened to the stories John told about his family, she was shocked by John's childhood history of emotional neglect, and she was even more shocked that he took pride in it (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

    "When my parents came home from work, we knew not to bother them with our problems," John explained, "because we knew if we did, they would get angry that we were bothering them, and they would tell us to go figure it out on our own. That made us strong and built character."

    In contrast, Nina knew that she could always go to either of her parents with anything that was bothering her and they never turned her away.  But the one problem she had in her family was that her parents tended to compare her unfavorably with her older sister, Laura, who excelled academically and who was very popular in school.  As a result, Nina grew up feeling, compared to her sister, she wasn't good enough, which made her anxious, and she was always trying to prove herself to her parents.

    She had a similar feeling with John.  She felt John didn't see her as "good enough" and this was why he didn't make more of a commitment to their relationship. It was only after she threatened to leave him that he agreed to be monogamous with her, and she was aware that he only agreed to it reluctantly.  After he made the commitment, he complained to her that he felt "trapped" in their relationship, which hurt her feelings.

    She was also aware that John struggled to ask her for emotional support.  Rather than asking directly, he would complain about the pressures he felt at work and the headaches he would get by the time he came home.  She was more than willing to be emotionally supportive, but she never knew when John would accept her support or when he would tell her that her attempts at being emotionally supportive were "too much" and she needed to "back off."

    As they approached their four year anniversary together, Nina told John that she felt lonely in their relationship, even when they were together, because he was so emotionally aloof with her.  She finally told him that she wouldn't remain in their relationship unless he got help in therapy. 

    At first, John resisted the idea of going to therapy, "I don't need therapy.  No one in my family ever went to therapy." But he also loved Nina and he didn't want to lose her, so after he thought about it for a while, he reluctantly agreed to go to therapy.  But he agreed to it on the condition that Nina would get into her own individual therapy too, which she agreed to do.

    Conclusion:
    People with an anxious attachment style, like Nina, often get into relationships with people who have an avoidant attachment style, like John. This is an unconscious process where people choose a partner that confirms how they feel about themselves.

    As previously mentioned and illustrated in the vignette above, people with an avoidant attachment style often feel that their partner is too emotionally demanding when the partner asks to be closer to them.  In contrast, people with an anxious attachment style often feel they're "not good enough" and unconsciously choose a partner that confirms this feeling through their emotional aloofness.

    This contrast in attachment styles usually brings conflict as each person feels misunderstood by the other.

    Although Nina's family was more open and communicative as compared with John's family, Nina grew up feeling she wasn't good enough when her parents compared her to her older sister.  This trauma contributed to her anxious attachment style.

    Nina's anxious attachment style kept her striving in her relationship with John (and in prior relationships) to try to get more from him emotionally. And when she couldn't get more from him, this confirmed to her over and over again that she was unworthy.

    John's family was mostly focused on survival issues, and his parents weren't emotionally available to John or his siblings.  As a result, John and his siblings learned not to seek nurturance or emotional support from their parents, and they grew up thinking they were "independent."  However, their parents' emotional neglect was traumatizing for them, and what they perceived as being independent was really a pseudo independence, a defense mechanism that covered over their anger and sadness about being neglected.

    Even though Nina felt deep down that she wasn't worthy of John's love and attention, even she had her limits.  She could see that their relationship was stagnant.  She felt that John had many more problems than she did, but she agreed to attend her own individual therapy so she could have a place to talk about her relationship concerns.

    In my next article, I'll explore how experiential therapy can help with the problems in John and Nina's relationship.

    Getting Help in Therapy
    Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  

    If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from attending therapy with an experiential therapist.

    Working through the obstacles that are hindering your progress will allow you to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

    About Me
    I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

    I work with individual adults and couples.

    I am currently providing teletherapy sessions, which is also known as online therapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

    To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

    To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.