How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR Therapy?

EMDR was developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in the 1980s as an alternative to traditional talk therapy to heal psychological trauma. 

EMDR is one of several types experiential therapies, including AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work and Somatic Experiencing, that were developed by trauma therapists help clients to overcome trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

The cornerstone of EMDR is the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) system which is a theory about how the brain stores memories and that the brain stores regular memories and traumatic memories in a different way.

While normal memories are stored by strengthening connections between neurons, traumatic memories aren't stored in a cohesive way. Instead, traumatic memories are stored with fragmented, sensory and emotional imprints due to the hyperactivation of the amygdala and inhibition in the hippocampus in the brain.

The unprocessed nature of traumatic memories can cause flashbacks and triggers.

Prolonged trauma can lead to structural changes in the brain with a reduction in neuroplasticity, but the reduction can be repaired by EMDR therapy and other trauma therapies.

How Are Emotions Processed in EMDR Therapy?

Emotions related to traumatic memories are processed in EMDR therapy using bilateral stimulation (BLS) which can be either eye movements, bilateral tones or tapping, to stimulate the brain while the client focuses on the traumatic memory (see my article: What is Bilateral Stimulation?).

EMDR Therapy Using Tappers For BLS

This technique is similar to REM (Rapid Eye Movement), which is a crucial stage of sleep associated with dreaming and increased brain activity.

Bilateral stimulation helps the brain to "metabolize" the unprocessed traumatic memories by  reducing their emotional charge and replacing negative self beliefs with positive, adaptive beliefs.

Prior to processing traumatic memories with EMDR, an EMDR therapist assesses whether EMDR is the appropriate therapy for a particular client. 

If so, she obtains a client's history, helps the client to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to do the trauma work and evaluates whether the client is ready to process the trauma. 

Some clients, who have a significant history of ongoing trauma might need an extended period of resource development before they can process traumatic memories (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

What Are the Key Aspects of EMDR Therapy?

Here is a breakdown of the eight phases of EMDR therapy.

If the therapist assesses that EMDR therapy is appropriate for a client, there are eight phases to EMDR which vary in length depending upon each client's needs:

• Phase 1: History Taking and Treatment Planning: The therapist obtains the client's history, as mentioned above. She identifies the traumatic memories and creates a treatment plan in collaboration with the client. During this stage, the therapist helps the client to identify the "touchstone" memory, which is the earliest memory related to the trigger the client is experiencing. For instance, if the client seeks EMDR therapy to deal with a difficult boss who humiliates the client in staff meetings, the touchstone memory might be memories of being humiliated by a critical father. The earlier memories would each have their own eight stages for processing. The therapist tries to find a touchstone memory which will have generalizable effects meaning that working with a one or a few of these memories is healing to the other similar memories. If these earlier touchstone memories aren't processed, the client is likely to get triggered again with another current situation that has similar elements to the touchstone memory. The mechanism for identifying the touchstone memory is the Float Back technique which is also known as the Affect Bridge in hypnotherapy (also known as clinical hypnosis).

An EMDR Therapist Writing Down the Client's History

• Phase 2: Preparation: The therapist explains the process, establishes safety for the client, and teaches the client coping skills (also known as internal resources) to manage emotional stress during trauma sessions and between sessions (see my article: Why is Establishing Safety So Important in Trauma Therapy?).

• Phase 3: Assessment: The therapist activates the traumatic memory that she and the client have chosen to work on by identifying specific images, the client's negative self beliefs, emotions and physical sensations related to the trauma. This is also known as setting up the EMDR protocol.

• Phase 4: Desensitization: Bilateral stimulation (eye movements, taps or tones) is used to reduce the distress associated with the memory. When clients have experienced ongoing trauma, such as developmental trauma during childhood, there can be many memories to process using the eight stages for each memory. For instance, if a client experienced extensive physical abuse as a child as well as bullying in elementary school and date rape in adolescence, each one of those experiences would need to be processed.

• Phase 5: Installation: A positive belief, which is identified by the client, is strengthened to replace the negative belief associated with a particular traumatic memory.

• Phase 6: Body Scan: The client checks for any remaining tension in the body linked to the traumatic memory. If there is tension in the body associated to the memory, the therapist uses bilateral stimulation until the tension dissipates.

• Phase 7: Closure: After each EMDR session, the therapist uses stabilization techniques, which might include debriefing/talking about the experience or a meditation, to ensure the client feels secure at the end of a session.

• Phase 8: Reevaluation: The therapist assesses the client's progress, determines the success of the treatment and plans the next step of the therapy in collaboration with the client.

What Are Emotional Blocks?

Emotional blocks are unconscious barriers to processing traumatic memories.

Overcoming Emotional Blocks in EMDR Therapy

An emotional block can occur at any phase of the EMDR processing.

I have been doing EMDR therapy regularly since 2006 and, unless a client comes with an uncomplicated one-time traumatic event, there will be emotional blocks during processing.

The emotional block can take many forms. One common example is the belief, "I don't deserve to feel better". 

When a therapist and client encounter an emotional block, to use a metaphor, it's like encountering a tree that has fallen across a train track. The train can't go any further until the tree, which is blocking the train track, is removed.

Similarly, EMDR processing won't go any further until the emotional block is removed. 

When a client and I encounter an emotional block in EMDR processing of a memory, I find it's useful and efficient to conceptualize the block as a part of a client. It might be a very young part (or inner child) or another part the client has internalized. 

Whatever the block might be, I have found that working with the part using Parts Work can help to soften or remove the block so that the part allows the processing to continue (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining EMDR Therapy and Parts Work to Overcome Emotional Blocks).

Another way to think about an emotional block is to think of it as a defense mechanism that was a survival strategy at one point (usually when the client was younger) but no longer is adaptive.

It's not unusual for there to be several emotional blocks along the way during EMDR processing and each one needs to be addressed before EMDR processing can continue.

Conclusion

EMDR therapy is one of several types of trauma therapies.

The trauma therapist assesses each client to determine which type of trauma therapy--whether it's EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work or a combination of these modalities is for a particular client. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Freeing yourself from your trauma history can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Trauma Therapy: The Mind Has a Powerful Innate Ability to Heal Itself

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in AEDP?

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

What is Hypervigilance and How is it Related to Unresolved Psychological Trauma?

Hypervigilance is a heightened state of awareness that allows humans to sense threats in their environment.

Hypervigilance and Psychological Trauma

People who are in a perpetual state of hypervigilance feel like they are constantly under a threat.  The part of the human brain that manages emotions, the amygdala, is in overdrive.

What Causes Hypervigilance?

This article focuses on psychological trauma. However, there are other potential mental and physical causes of hypervigilance including:

• Anxiety
  

• Panic Attacks
  

• Depression
  

• Dementia

• Adrenal Disorders

• Fibromyalgia 

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family where parents might be unpredictable, violent, abusing substances, physically abusive or neglectful learn to be hypervigilant as an unconscious survival strategy. They learn to sense their parents' shifting moods so they can be ready at all times to protect their safety.

Hypervigilance and Unresolved Childhood Trauma

Without help in therapy, these traumatized children usually grow up to be traumatized adults and they continue to be hypervigilant in their surroundings.

Examples of Hypervigilance in Adults

• Hypervigilance to Their Surroundings: People who grew up in an abusive family or who experienced abusive relationships as an adult might have a strong startle response reflex where they are startled by the slightest sound or movement.

• Hypervigilance to Other People's Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior: People who experience hypervigilance might be very observant of other people's thoughts, feelings, behavior and body language for any signs of change or potential danger.

• Hypervigilance of Their Own Body: People who experience serious medical problems or who have someone close to them who have experienced serious medical problems are often hypervigilant of their own body. A minor experience of pain might be perceived as a catastrophic disease.

Hypervigilance and Catastrophizinglo

• Hypervigilance and Catastrophizing: People who are hypervigilant tend to create negative narratives in their mind which can spin out of control. Small things, like a friend not responding to a text immediately, can develop into a catastrophic story where the friend has died. Even when things are going well, people who are hypervigilant might find it difficult to enjoy happy times because they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

• Hypervigilance and Insecurities: Since hypervigilance is mostly about preventing or avoiding potential threats, people who are hypervigilant might attempt to ward off threats by people pleasing or fawning. They might struggle with regulating their emotions or trusting others. They might have problems letting their guard down so they can relax or they might be fearful they will say or do the "wrong thing" (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response

• Hypervigilance and Avoidant Behavior: People who struggle with hypervigilance can be avoidant in ways that are detrimental to themselves and others. They might avoid people, places and things they fear. This can cause problems in their personal life as well as their career. For instance, if they experience minor turbulence on a plane trip, they might avoid ever getting on a plane again--even if it means they won't see close friends or family members or they might lose a job that involves travel. Another example is if someone is in a minor car accident where no one was hurt, they might avoid driving again--even if it means they can't visit people close to them or go to work.  A third example: If someone goes through a bad breakup, they might avoid dating or getting into another relationship. In other words, many other people, who don't experience hypervigilance, might be hesitant after having a bad relationship experience, but they learn to cope and they don't avoid.  In contrast, the person who is hypervigilant takes it to an extreme because it's their way of protecting themselves. However, in the process, they don't learn to cope or overcome their fears. They remain stuck (see my article: What is Avoidant Behavior?).

What is the Potential Physical and Psychological Impact of Hypervigilance?

People who experience hypervigilance might experience some or all of the following characteristics:

• Chronic Stress: A constant flood of cortisol and adrenaline is exhausting and can cause medical, emotional and psychological problems.

Hypervigilance and Relationship Problems

• Relationship Problems: While people who experience hypervigilance might be more aware of potential red flags in a relationship, they might also have problems getting close or trusting even in a healthy situation. They might be overly sensitive or emotionally overreactive to a partner's comments. Some people might avoid getting involved in relationships at all because o they fear getting hurt (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in a Romantic Relationship).

Hypervigilance, Loneliness and Isolaton

• Loneliness and Isolation: A fear of making friends or seeking romantic relationships due to fear of getting hurt, can lead to isolation and loneliness (see my article: Loneliness and Social Isolation).

How to Cope With Hypervigilance

Here are some interventions that might be helpful to you:

• Grounding Exercises: You can learn to calm yourself with breathing exercises, mindfulness meditation and journaling.

Coping with Hypervigilance By Meditating

• Limiting or Eliminating Coffee, Alcohol or Other Substances: If you notice you feel worse after drinking coffee or alcohol, consider either limiting your intake or eliminating these substances.

• Seeking Help in Trauma Therapy: If you work with a trauma therapist, you can learn to: 

• Identify your triggers

• Learn to overcome your triggers

• Be able to differentiate your feelings from objective reality (see my article: Discovering Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts)

• Work through the psychological trauma underlying your hypervigilance so you are free from your traumatic history

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes various types of therapy that were developed specifically to help people to overcome trauma. 

These include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy
  

• Parts Work Therapy (including Internal Family Systems Therapy and Ego States Therapy)

When you work with a skilled trauma therapist, you can overcome hypervigilance and unresolved psychological trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling nn your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

8 Tips For Coping With Triggers

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Trauma Therapy: Combining EMDR Therapy and Parts Work to Overcome Emotional Blocks

As a trauma therapist, I have found it especially helpful to combine EMDR and Parts Work to help clients overcome trauma experiences.

    See my article: Parts Work Can Be Empowering)

There are many ways that EMDR and Parts Work can be used together in trauma therapy. 

In this article, I'm focusing on how the combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy is beneficial to overcome a blocking belief.

What is a Blocking Belief in EMDR?

A blocking belief is a negative thought or belief that acts as an obstacle to integrating the trauma during trauma therapy.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

Blocking beliefs are often longstanding. 

Often these beliefs developed during early childhood. They can originate in memories, family experiences, cultural issues, relationships or other experiences.

Examples of blocking beliefs include (but are not limited to):

• "I'm not good enough."
• "I'm unlovable." (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable)
• "I'm powerless."
• "I don't deserve to get better."

As long as a blocking belief exists, it can get in the way of processing the trauma in any type of therapy.

I usually provide clients with psychoeducation about blocking beliefs before we begin processing the trauma because these beliefs are so common.

That's also when I talk to clients about using Parts Work therapy--either Ego States therapy or IFS (Internal Family Systems) to help overcome the blocking belief.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work to Overcome Trauma

During Parts Work therapy, I help clients to identify the various aspects of themselves, including the part that contains the blocking belief, the part of them that wants to get better and other parts that might be involved.

Once these parts are identified, the client can understand how the blocking belief is preventing them from progressing in therapy. They can also understand the positive parts of themselves that they can nurture and strengthen.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Parts Work can help to overcome a blocking belief in EMDR therapy:

John

John sought help in EMDR therapy to overcome complex trauma stemming from a childhood history of emotional neglect.

He was motivated to seek help in trauma therapy because he could see how his childhood history was affecting his adult relationships--both personal and work-related. 

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

In his personal life, he tended to choose partners who were hurtful and emotionally avoidant--people who were similar to his parents. 

At work, he wasn't able to assert himself to get a well deserved promotion and a raise because he lacked confidence.

His trauma therapist explained EMDR therapy to him. She also told him that during EMDR, it was common to find a blocking belief that becomes an obstacle to working through the trauma.

With his therapist's help, John identified the blocking belief, "I'm not good enough." After identifying this belief, John realized it had been an obstacle in his prior therapies. 

In the past, whenever John tried to work through his childhood trauma, he was overcome with a deep sense of shame and then he would drop out of therapy (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

He never understood before why he was overcome with shame to the point where he felt he had to leave therapy prematurely (see my article: Why Do Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

It wasn't until his current trauma therapist helped him to identify the particular part of himself that carried this blocking belief that he began to understand why he left therapy in the past before his problems were worked through.

His current therapist helped him to give voice to this part, which John called "the sad boy." 

Using Ego States therapy, which is a type of Parts Work therapy, his therapist helped John to use the adult part of himself that felt strong and positive to show compassion and kindness to the "sad boy" part.

Over a period of time, John was able to transform the "sad boy" part so he could process his traumatic memories with EMDR therapy because he no longer had the blocking belief.

Combining EMDR and Parts Work Therapy

The work was neither quick nor easy, but John made steady progress with Parts Work therapy and EMDR and, eventually, he worked through his history of trauma so it no longer was an obstacle for him.

Conclusion

Combining EMDR therapy with Parts Work is an effective strategy for overcoming blocking beliefs.

Although I have focused on the combination of EMDR and Parts Work, Parts Work can be used in combination with any type of therapy.

Once the blocking belief part is identified, the trauma therapist helps the client to work with this part using other positive parts to transform the blocking belief so it is no longer a problem.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy usually isn't enough to help clients to overcome trauma, especially complex trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy?).

If you have been struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who combines EMDR and Parts Work therapy.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is who is an experienced trauma therapist.

Once you have overcome your trauma history, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

When considering psychological trauma, it's important to know there are different types of trauma, including developmental trauma and shock trauma. 

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

In this article I'm focusing on unresolved developmental trauma, which is trauma that occurred over time in childhood, and the need for control as an adult.

What is Psychological Trauma?

Since I'm focusing on developmental trauma (trauma that occurs over time in childhood), the definition of psychological trauma in this context is a person's unique experience of feeling emotional distress in response to ongoing events that overwhelmed their capacity to cope.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

It's important to emphasize that a traumatic response is unique to the individual. So, it's not the events per se that's traumatic--it's a how the individual experiences the events. 

Children who are identical twins might experience the same events in their family where one of them is traumatized and the other is not.  So, each person has their own unique psychological makeup and their own particular response to what happened.

Another factor is whether or not the person who experienced overwhelming events as a child had emotional support at the time or whether they felt alone (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: What is AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)?).

A child who had emotional support from a loving relative will usually have a better psychological outcome than a child who went through distressing event feeling alone.

Feeling Powerless as Part of Chronic Developmental Trauma

Feeling of powerlessness is an important part of developmental trauma.

A feeling of powerlessness is especially prevalent during chronic developmental trauma where there is ongoing exposure to emotionally overwhelming events.  These individuals feel they have no power to stop, change or control these events.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

For instance, a young child who has repeated experiences of hearing their parents' arguments escalate into physical violence will most likely feel terrified and powerless to do anything about their parents' fights.

Even if this same child, who is terrified, is able to muster the courage to knock on their parents' bedroom to try to get them to stop the fighting, the parents might respond in ways that make the incident even more terrifying. 

One or both parents might invalidate the child's fear by saying, "Nothing is wrong. Go back to your room" which can be very confusing for the child. 

Alternatively, the parents might respond in other ways that make the event even scarier.  For example, one of the parents might threaten the child by saying something like, "Get back to your room or you'll get a spanking!" or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

This leaves the child in an untenable situation where not only can they not control what's happening but they also fear they will get physically punished.

An hour or two later these same parents, who might be highly volatile with each other at times, might emerge from their bedroom and act as if nothing happened in front of the child. 

Not only does this invalidate the child's fear and make the child feel alone, it can also makes the child wonder if there's something wrong with him or her to fear a situation where the parents are now acting normal.

Understanding the Connection Between Unresolved Trauma and the Need For Control

In the example given above, if there are ongoing events like this where the child feels powerless and alone, this child will mostly likely grow up with a strong need to feel in control of their own life, their loved ones' lives and the circumstances around them.

One of the consequences of a history of unresolved trauma and feelings of powerlessness is that individuals often become emotionally triggered when they find themselves in situations where they feel they can't exert control.

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

The need for exerting control will vary from one individual to another depending upon the person and the particular situation. But most individuals who experienced chronic trauma growing up don't want to re-experience the sense of powerlessness they experienced as children. This creates in them the need to exert control.

The need to feel in control is a self protective mechanism whereby the individual tries to create a safe space so they don't feel the same terrifying feelings they experienced as a child.

For individuals who grew up in unpredictable circumstances where it felt like anything could happen at any time, the need for predictability is paramount.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Need For Control Based on Unresolved Trauma?

The following are some of the signs people might experience when they have a need to be in control based on unresolved trauma:

• Fear of Ambiguous Situations: They can be very uncomfortable (maybe even panicked) when a situation is unclear. Ambiguous situations can be highly triggering for them which will, in turn, trigger their need to exert control over the situation.

• Setting Rigid Boundaries: They might set rigid boundaries so relationships and situations feel predictable with no second guessing about what might or might not happen.

• Fear of Vulnerability: They might have a hard time opening up to other people. As a result, they might not feel comfortable sharing personal information about themselves because they fear the other person might use this information against them (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in a Relationship).

Psychological Trauma and the Need For Control

• Fear of Talking About the Past: They might not like talking about their past because they fear getting triggered again and also fear trusting someone else with this information.

• Fear of Allowing Others to Get to Know Them: They might be hard to get to know because they are protecting themselves from getting hurt again.

• Fear of Intimate Relationships: They might avoid getting into intimate relationships because of their fear of vulnerability.

• You're Either For Them or Against Them: They might feel you're either for them or against them. There might not feel anything in between (no gray area).

• Fear of Trusting Others: If they feel disappointed or letdown by someone, they might not trust that person again.

• A Need for Predictability: Due to their need for predictability, they might have unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations of others (see my article: Perfection vs Good Enough).

• Fear of Risks: They might be risk averse. They might avoid anything that is risky or feels dangerous to them in any way.  This can include the possibility of getting hurt in a relationship, making financial decisions that might involve a degree of risk, making a career change and so on.

• Fear of Abandonment: They might have a strong fear of abandonment. Since their childhood experiences might have included feeling emotionally abandoned by their parents, who were supposed to take care of them, they might fear abandonment in any close relationship.

What's the First Step in Healing Psychological Trauma?

Since developmental trauma occurs in the context of a relationship, healing also needs to occur in the context of a relationship (this is one of the reasons why self help books are often only minimally, if at all, helpful in terms of healing trauma).

Healing Psychological Trauma and Awareness

Unfortunately, people who experienced developmental trauma as children often don't trust relationships. They might have a strong need to feel loved, but they also dread feeling loved because of their early experiences of feeling unsafe (see my article: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Many people who have unresolved developmental trauma continue to use the same protective strategies they used as children. While these strategies might have helped them at the time, they no longer work for them. 

One of those strategies often included avoiding close relationships.

Developing an awareness about the impact of unresolved trauma is an important first step. 

Without an acknowledgement of the impact, there's often a lack of motivation and fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Many people seek help in trauma therapy when the pain of doing nothing becomes greater than their fear of getting help.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through the issues that keep you stuck with the impact of unresolved trauma.

If you're feeling stuck due to unresolved trauma, seek help in trauma therapy so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I believe people have an innate ability to heal from traumatic experiences with the help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.