Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or Your Inner Child's Perspective?

As I've discussed in prior articles, everyone maintains within themselves various internal parts of themselves throughout the course of a lifetime, including a child self, a teenage self and an adult self.  

At any given time, one of your self states might dominate a particular situation without your being aware of it.  So, it's important to know "who's in charge" at certain times, and how to shift from one self state to another in order to manage your life more effectively.

    See my articles: 

Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are

How Your Shifting Self States Affect You For Better or Worse

Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult or Child's Perspective?

While there's a time and place to enjoy your younger self states, like when you're having fun, you don't want a younger self state in charge when you have to deal with adult problems.

Not only will that younger self state feel overwhelmed by trying to deal with an adult problem, but it won't be mature enough to handle the problem and it won't make the best possible decisions.  For instance, we would ever intentionally ask a three year old to make an important decision about an adult relationship?  Of course not.

But, as I mentioned in prior articles, when a younger self state steps in to try to handle an adult problem, it's an unconscious process.  Often, you're emotionally triggered into this younger self state without even knowing it.

Other people might recognize that you're not approaching your problem from a mature perspective, but it's often hard for you to see it yourself.

When you realize that your three year old self is trying to resolve an adult problem, you can understand why you're having difficulty overcoming your problem.

The important thing is, first, to recognize it and, second, to make the switch in a way that's respectful and compassionate to your various selves (i.e., without berating or denigrating any of the self states).

In my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, when I have clients who tend to approach certain problems from a younger self state which isn't helpful, I teach them how to shift into their adult self state.  I do this by helping clients to be aware of what's happening and then teaching them how to make the switch in a healthy way.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:
Learning to Switch From a Younger Self State to An Adult Self State
The following fictional clinical vignette demonstrates how to recognize when a younger self state is trying to resolve an adult problem and how to switch into your adult state using Ego States therapy:

Tania
Tania, who was in her late 20s, started therapy because she was having problems with her supervisor at work.

Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or From a Child Perspective?

Although she liked her job as a sales representative, she didn't like getting directives from her supervisor, especially since he tended to be abrupt with her when he was under pressure.  At those times, Tania reacted negatively to him, but she only recognized it after the fact when he pointed it out to her.

Although he acknowledged his part in their dynamic and he said he would try to be more aware of how he came across, her supervisor told Tania that she also needed to change her behavior.

Tania explained to her therapist that when her supervisor was abrupt with her, she would lose her motivation and take off days from work.  Lately, this was more problematic than usual because everyone at work was under additional pressure to meet their sales goals, which was challenging.

Tania told her therapist that her pattern was that after she took off a few days from work, she recognized in hindsight that she was only making things more difficult for herself because she would have to work that much harder to meet her goals.

She was also afraid that, if she kept taking off days from work, she might be fired from her job, so it was critical that she learn how to deal with her problems in a healthier way.

Tania's psychotherapist asked her to describe in detail what happens to her when her supervisor is abrupt.  In response, Tania thought about it for a while and then described a typical scenario:

When her supervisor was under pressure from his director, he would be abrupt with her and the other sales reps.  In hindsight, she realized that her supervisor's behavior stemmed from his own anxiety and he was trying to change, but he wasn't always successful.  Whenever he was abrupt with her, she had an immediate reaction.  She felt angry and resentful and she wouldn't want to be at work.  Then, rather than communicating with her supervisor or looking for another job, she would call out sick for a few days to get away from the situation.  She would spend those days in bed and tell herself that she couldn't deal with her supervisor's attitude when he was under stress.  Generally, this made things worse for her in the long run.

In the next few sessions, Tania revealed that when she was growing up, her father, who was a retired Marine, tended to give her and her siblings "orders" in an abrupt manner, which Tania resented.  When she became a teenager, she rebelled against both of her parents by cutting classes in high school, and her grades suffered.  Fortunately, she was able to improve her grades so she could go to college.

As they continued to discuss these issues, her psychotherapist pointed out to Tania that she was reacting to her supervisor in a similar way to how she behaved when she rebelled against her parents. She explained Tania that it seemed that those old memories of her father being authoritative and abrupt were getting  triggered at work.  Tania thought about it, and she agreed that her behavior with her supervisor was adolescent behavior, and she wanted to change it.

Her psychotherapist provided Tania with psychoeducation about how it is common for people to shift into different self states without being aware of it, especially when they get triggered (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation).

Then, she spoke with Tania about Ego States therapy and how Tania could learn to become more aware of her shifting self states before she reacted and, if she became aware that she was reacting in an adolescent way, how she could shift into an adult self state.

Since Tania tended to approach most areas of her life as an adult, she had many memories of handling tough situations in a mature and effective way.  Using those memories of being mature, Tania's therapist helped her to relax into a light hypnotic state so Tania could go back into those memories and become more aware of how she felt emotionally and physically when she approached challenges from an adult self state.

As Tania thought about a particular memory where she felt proud of how she handled a challenging situation, she was able to feel a sense of pride and satisfaction.  When her therapist asked Tania where she felt this in her body, Tania said she felt an expansiveness in her chest.

Over time, they went over several other similar memories, and Tania became sensitized to what it felt emotionally and physically in her body to approach challenges from an adult self state.

Then, her psychotherapist asked Tania to think about a prior memory where she approached her problems with her current supervisor from an adolescent self state.  This was relatively easy for Tania because it happened several times lately, so she had recent memories she recalled.

When Tania sensed into what she felt on an emotional level when she thought of her response to her supervisor, she said she felt angry, resentful and indignant.  She felt these emotions as a tightness in her jaw, throat and shoulders.  She felt her old sense of rebelliousness similar to how she felt when her father gave her "orders."

Her psychotherapist asked Tania to stay with those feelings and, at the same time, to picture her compassionate adult self sitting next to her wanting to help her adolescent self.

At first, Tania imagined her adult self saying to her adolescent self, "Grow up and stopping acting so immature!"

When her psychotherapist asked Tania to sense into how her adolescent self felt when her adult self spoke to her this way, Tania said that it only made her adolescent self feel more angry and alone.  It also made her adolescent self feel like she wanted to rebel even more.

Her psychotherapist explained that this is why it's important for the adult self to be nonjudgmental in its approach to the younger self state.  Then, she asked Tania to try again with more compassion (see my article: Having Compassion For the Child That You Were).

Although this was challenging for Tania, she was able to put aside her judgmental attitude to feel compassion for an adolescent self who felt alone and needed help.

Her therapist asked Tania what her adolescent self needed from her adult self, and Tania said her adolescent self needed love and kindness.  She also needed to feel that she was not alone.

Are You Approaching Your Problems From Your Adult or Child Perspective?

As they continued to do Ego States therapy, Tania discovered ways that she could imagine showing kindness and love to her adolescent self.  Over time, she learned to be more emotionally reassuring to her adolescent self.  She also learned to allow her adult self to gently take over when it was necessary.

At the same time, she didn't berate or try to completely suppress her adolescent self in all situations.  She allowed her adolescent self to dominate in situations where that self state could feel alive when she was having fun.

Gradually, Tania practiced in her psychotherapy sessions going back and forth between these two self states so that she learned to make the switch on her own when she needed to do it.

So, for instance, when she sensed herself beginning to feel rebellious with her supervisor, she knew that her adolescent self was trying to take control of the situation, and she consciously made a choice to reassure her adolescent self that her adult self would take over.  Then, she would consciously make the choice to approach her problem from a mature stance.

Once Tania was no longer unconsciously reacting in a negative way to her supervisor, she and her psychotherapist worked on helping her to overcome the underlying issues related to her history with her father so that Tania wouldn't keep getting triggered at work.

Over time, they used EMDR therapy to work on the earlier issues that were at the root of the problem (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?, How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain, and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Being able to approach her problems from a mature perspective also allowed Tania to be proactive about finding another job where she was happier.

Conclusion
We all carry within ourselves the various self states from infancy to adulthood.

When we use a younger self state unconsciously to approach a problem that requires an adult self state, this causes problems for us.

Ego States therapy helps clients to become aware of their various self states.

The goals of Ego States therapy is to help clients to become aware of their self states, when they're switching to a self state that isn't helpful and how to make a conscious choice to use a more effective self state for the particular issue at hand.

Once clients become aware of their self states, how they choose them unconsciously in ineffective ways, and how they can make the switch to a more effective self state, many problems can be resolved.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

Having a good emotional support network of family and friends is important to maintain an emotionally healthy self, but there are times when your problems might be beyond what you or your support network can handle (see my article: How Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Friend).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome your problems by working through traumatic experiences and finding new ways of coping (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Being able to work through challenging problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to come from their best possible self to resolve their problems by using Ego States therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams

In prior articles, I've addressed anxiety in its many different forms (see my articles: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).  In this article, I'm discussing anxiety dreams and how to cope with them.

How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams

What Are Anxiety Dreams?
Anxiety dreams often involve issues around performance at school or at work, being unprepared for a big event, discovering that you're not wearing clothes in public, and other similar themes.

Anxiety dreams often occur when you're under stress or you've been avoiding a particular situation.  The dreams aren't necessarily about the exact situation that you're stressed out about.

Anxiety Dreams About a Situation You're Avoiding
For instance, if you've been avoiding doing your taxes, you might have a dream that you're back in high school, even though you've been out of high school for many years, and you discover that you're unprepared for a test.  Or, you're about to address an auditorium full of people and as you're standing at the podium, you realize that you forgot to put on your pants. You feel powerless.

How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams

The anxiety dream signals to you that there's something you need to take care of that you've been avoiding.  Your unconscious mind is sending you a message that you need to do something to handle the situation.

Anxiety Dreams About a Stressful Situation
You might also be under a lot of stress about a situation that your fear and the fear spills over into your dreams.

For instance, if you have a project at work where you're feeling in over your head, you might have a dream about waking up late for work and then having problems getting in.  When you get on the train to go to work, its going the wrong way or you get confused about which train to take.

Anxiety Dreams About Unresolved Emotional Problems
Unresolved emotional issues can result in anxiety dreams, especially if these issues continue to get triggered in the present.

For instance, if you have unresolved grief about the loss of your mother, you might have anxiety dreams where your mother shows up in your dream, but she remains far away from you.  No matter what you do to get her attention or to get closer to her, there's some obstacle that gets in your way, and you feel guilty that you're unable to reach her (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions).

Another example of having anxiety dreams about unresolved emotional problems might involved unresolved trauma related to emotional abuse that you experienced when you were a child.  You might have a dream where you're trying to get help, but you suddenly can't speak no matter how hard you try.  The more you try to tell the other person that you're being abused, the more confusing it is because you have no voice.

Tips That Can Help You to Overcome Anxiety Dreams

• Have a Wind Down Routine Before Going to Sleep:  Instead of watching the news, reading the newspaper or reading a book that will be overstimulating, have a wind down routine that will be soothing to you.  This might involve taking a soothing bath, listening to soothing music, meditating, doing breathing exercises or doing whatever helps to relax you (see my articles: Wellness: Safe Place Meditation, Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Under Stress and Learning to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Get Curious About Your Dreams:  Rather than brushing off the dream when you wake up and realize that you were dreaming, get curious about the meaning of your dream.  Ask yourself how your dream might relate to problems in your life now or unresolved problems from the past (see my article: Dream Analysis: Are You Fascinated By Your Dreams? and Dreams and Embodied Imagination).

• Write Down Your Dreams:  Have a pad and pen close to the bed and write down your dreams as soon as you wake up.  Don't rely on your memory to remember the dream later because chances are good that you'll forget your dream.

• Notice Any Patterns in Your Dreams: When you're able to look at the dreams that you've written down, you can see if there are any patterns to your dreams.  Are you have recurring dreams?

• Rewrite Your Dreams With the Ending That You Want:  Rewriting your dreams with a different ending gives your unconscious mind the signal that you want to deal with the underlying issues. It also helps you to feel empowered (see my article: Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork and Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Take Action on Issues You're Avoiding or Stressed Out About: If you've been avoiding dealing with a particular problem and you're having anxiety dreams, your unconscious mind is probably sending you a signal in your dreams that you need to take action.  If you can begin taking positive steps to resolve the problem, you're probably going to feel less anxious and the anxiety dreams might stop.

Getting Help in Therapy
If the self help tips above don't help you, you would probably benefit from getting help in therapy to deal with unresolved issues that you're unable to resolve on your own (see The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover the underlying issues that cause you to have anxiety dreams and also help you to work through these unresolved problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Recurring anxiety dreams can be frustrating and frightening.  Many people who have recurring anxiety dreams develop sleep problems because they're afraid to go to sleep and experience another anxiety dream.

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can deal with your anxiety and have a more peaceful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome problems with anxiety, including anxiety dreams related to current stressors or unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection in Psychotherapy: Looking Beyond the "Happy Talk"

While I believe in positive psychology and optimism, over the years, I've seen too many psychotherapy clients who use positivity as a defense mechanism.  In other words, they only focus on the positive aspects of their life and avoid dealing with serious emotional problems  (see my article: Are You Using Your Idea of "Positive Thinking" to Deny Your Problems?).

The Mind-Body Connection: Looking Beyond the "Happy Talk" to Underlying Emotional Issues

When people only focus on the positive aspects of their life, not only do they avoid thinking about their problems, they also avoid taking action to try to change their problems.

There's often a fear of dealing with unpleasant aspects of their life, so they'll say that everything is "fine" and everything about their childhood was "great."

In the meantime, it takes so much psychic energy to maintain this defensive attitude that it often leaves people feeling mentally and physically exhausted.  And underneath it all, they feel miserable, but they just can't admit it to themselves or, initially, to their therapists.

The people who avoid their problems aren't delusional--they're in denial--and their unresolved problems manifest in other ways: insomnia, headaches, backaches, muscle spasms, excessive drinking, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and so on.

They're often so busy "looking on the bright side" that they don't want to see other areas of their life that are falling apart.

Aside from avoidance and denial, part of the problem is our culture's infatuation with positive thinking.  For more than 50 years, we've had dozens of books on "how to be happy" and "choosing happiness" that many people develop unrealistic ideas of how their life should be.  They think they're supposed to be happy all the time and if they're not, something must be wrong with them.

Fictional Vignette:  The Mind-Body Connection: Looking Beyond the "Happy Talk"

Edna
Edna came to therapy because she was having problems sleeping.

The Mind-Body Connection: Avoiding Problems Can Cause Insomnia and Other Physical Problems

She told her therapist that she wanted to learn mindfulness meditation so she could de-stress at the end of the day, and she chose her therapist because she had an expertise in mindfulness and the mind-body connection.

One of the first things that her therapist noticed during the initial psychotherapy consultation was that Edna was stiff.  She sat rigidly at the edge of the couch with her hands tightly clasped, eyes wide open, and a rigid, tight smile on her face.  She was also clinching her jaw.

When her therapist asked her about her family history, Edna brushed this off saying that she had a "great" childhood and she didn't see any reason to dwell on her family history.

When the therapist told her that they didn't have to dwell on her family history, but it's customary to get basic information about the family, Edna reluctantly agreed to talk briefly about her family.  Then, she seemed to flounder for a few minutes, finally asking, "What do you want to know?"

Her therapist told her that she would like to know about her relationships with her parents and her siblings, how they got along, if there were any significant events when she was growing up that impacted her, and so on.

Edna thought for a moment, and then she said that she got along well with her parents while they were both alive, and she also got along with her older brother.  Her father died when she was nine "...but I got over that," and her mother and brother were still alive.

When her therapist asked her how she got over her father's death, Edna told her that she, her mother and brother "just put it behind us and we went on with our lives."

Although Edna continued to smile, her eyes were welling up with tears and she was grasping tightly to the sides of the chair.

Since this was the initial consultation, her therapist noted Edna's reaction to herself, but she didn't press her about it.

Edna went on to say that she has had a "very happy life" and it would be "perfect" if only she could overcome her problems with insomnia.  This is why she wanted to learn mindfulness meditation in therapy because she tried it on her own and she couldn't focus.

During the next few sessions, her therapist guided Edna through mindfulness meditation, but Edna continued to have problems focusing.  She also got headaches, neck pain, and backaches during the meditation and she got spasms in her right arm.

The Mind-Body Connection: Looking  Beyond the "Happy Talk" 

Edna told her therapist that she would frequently have these physical problems and her doctor told her that there was nothing medically wrong with her.  He suspected that these physical problems were psychological and possibly related to stress.  But Edna discounted this and told her doctor that her life was "wonderful" and she wasn't under any particular stress, nor did she have any psychological problems.

Her therapist asked Edna if she would be willing to try a hypnotherapy technique called the Affect Bridge where clients sense into their physical and emotional reactions to see what comes up (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Edna told her therapist that she would be willing to try it, but she doubted that anything in particular would come up.

Using the Affect Bridge, her therapist asked Edna to sense into the tightness in her jaw and go back to  the earliest memory she could remember that was related to this physical sensation.

After a couple of minutes, Edna's jaw began to quiver and tears rolled down her face, but she seemed totally unaware of her emotional and physical reactions because she told her therapist that nothing came up for her.

When her therapist pointed out to Edna that her jaw was trembling and tears were streaming down her face, Edna seemed surprised.  She appeared to be cut off from these sensations.

Although she couldn't associate any particular memory with her physical and emotional reaction, she realized that she was feeling a little calmer--as if something in her had been released.

Her therapist recognized that the work would be slow because Edna was defending against feeling her emotions and physical reactions, and going too fast would be overwhelming for her.

When Edna returned for her next session, she said she slept better after their last session and that hypnotherapy technique, the Affect Bridge, seemed to help her--even if she didn't understand why.  So, she agreed to continue to work with the Affect Bridge.

Edna made slow and steady progress in therapy, although she continued to maintain that there wasn't anything in particular, other than her sleep problem, that was affecting her.

During that time, she was assessed in a sleep lab, and she was told that she didn't suffer with sleep apnea and there weren't any other medical problems that could explain her sleep problem.  The sleep specialist recommended that she continue to attend her psychotherapy sessions.

Over time, using the Affect Bridge, Edna began to identify an emotion that was associated with the stiffness in her jaw:  Anger.

This surprised Edna, "I can't imagine where that came from.  I don't have anything to be angry about."

Although she couldn't identify anything that she was angry about, she said that she could sense the anger in her jaw as well as in her throat and neck.

When they focused on her throat, Edna said she felt a tightness in her throat as well as tears behind her eyes.

Although this was a little frightening for Edna, she becoming more psychologically minded in therapy and she was curious as to where all of this would lead.

As usual, her therapist told Edna at the end of their session that if she remembered any dreams, she could bring them in.  Usually, Edna would say that she never remembered her dreams.

But the following session, Edna came in and she looked upset.  She told her therapist that she had a dream the previous night that disturbed her.  Her therapist asked her to tell the dream in the present tense as if she was still in the dream.

The dream was about her father on the day that he died.  He never had any health problems, but he had a sudden heart attack when Edna was 10, and in the dream she was telling him not to leave her.  As a 10 year old, she believed that if she prayed, he would be all right, but he never recovered and he was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.

Edna said that when she woke up from the dream, she was clinching her jaw and her jaw hurt.  She also realized when she woke up that she was crying in her sleep.

As they talked about the dream and how close it was to what actually happened 20 years ago when her father died, Edna told her therapist that she thought she had "put all of that behind me."

Even talking about the dream was disturbing to her but, by the end of the session, she was feeling calmer.  And when she came back the following session, she reported sleeping better that whole week.

Reluctantly, she acknowledged that it was obvious to her that she had never mourned her father and she was still holding onto a lot of grief.  She was also still angry about her father leaving her and that her prayers for his survival went unanswered.

Edna told her therapist that when her father died, there was no one to talk to about it.  Her mother and older brother refused to talk about it, and the other family members told her that she needed to "move on" and focus on her studies.  Now, looking back on it, she realized how ridiculous it was for her relatives to tell a 10 year old this, and she felt angry about this too.

Edna said that, in the past, she thought that if she just focused on being positive, doing affirmations, and remained goal-oriented and motivated that she would have a sense of well-being, but it was clear to her now that her body and her dream were trying to tell her something else.

Edna was now ready to accept that her insomnia and other physical symptoms were connected to trauma related to her unresolved grief.  She was now willing to listen to her therapist talk to her about the connection between the mind and the body and to work on her unresolved trauma.

Conclusion
Anything can be used as a defense against feeling uncomfortable emotions, including positive thinking, positive psychology and affirmations.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with positivity and affirmations.  The problem arises when people use positivity to avoid their problems.

This avoidance is usually due to fear of dealing with the problems and develops into denial.

When clients avoid dealing with their problems, especially unresolved trauma, these problems can manifest in physical ways (as seen in the fictional vignette above).

If clients are fortunate enough to have a medical doctor who rules out medical problems and understands the mind-body connection, the doctor will recommend psychotherapy.

There are certain mind-body therapy modalities, like the Affect Bridge in hypnotherapy, that can help clients to tap into physical sensations to understand the underlying issues.

When clients have a good therapeutic rapport with their therapist, they are usually more willing to be curious and explore the underlying issues.

When underlying traumatic issues are identified, a trauma-informed therapist can help the client to work through these issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear and denial can be very powerful.

Sometimes, when people are very emotionally invested in believing that they only need positive thinking or positive affirmations--to the exclusion of dealing with underlying problems--they blame themselves when positivity isn't enough to make them feel better.

A skilled trauma-informed psychotherapist will work in a gentle way to help clients to overcome their fear and denial so they can eventually work through their underlying trauma.

If you have been feeling stuck and you think you might be avoiding dealing with emotional problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled psychotherapist.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could free yourself from your traumatic history so you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through psychological trauma so they can move on with their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

In prior articles, I've discussed the challenges of making changes in your life--even changes that you really want. 

See my articles: 

Fear of Change

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Overcoming Resistance to Change  

Making Changes: One Step at a Time, Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Developing the Courage to Change

In this article, I'm focusing on overcoming emotional obstacles that get in the way of making the changes that you want.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

Change is inevitable in life--both wanted and unwanted change.  While it may be logical to you why you resist making changes that you don't want, it might not be so obvious why you're struggling to make changes that you do want.

Let's take a look at some of the most common obstacles to making changes:

Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Unresolved Emotional Issues:  Unresolved emotional issues from childhood often get in the way of making changes.  If you have a longstanding belief that you're undeserving or incapable of having good things in your life, you're going to be in conflict with yourself about making changes that you want.  Similarly, if you feel powerless because of unresolved trauma, you will probably struggle to take the initiative to bring about change (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present,  ).

• Negative Habits:  Unresolved emotional issues often develop into negative habits like: negative self talk, procrastination, disorganization and other similar habits.  These negative habits become so ingrained that it's often difficult for you to see them.  Even when you see them and want to change them, it can very challenging.  For example, if you grew up feeling that you don't deserve positive things in your life, one of your habits might be an internal critic that continues to reinforce these thoughts and feelings.  After a while, these thoughts and emotions can become beliefs that are hard to challenge (see my article:  Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking and Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

• Negative People in Your Life:  Whether they're family members or friends, negative people in your life who reinforce your unresolved emotional issues and negative habits make it harder for you to change.  When you have negative people around you reinforcing the negative beliefs that you have about yourself, you're struggling with both internal and external challenges (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life and Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship).

So, if these are the main obstacles to making changes, how do you overcome these obstacles?  Let's take a look:

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Step Back From Your Unresolved Problems and Become Aware of Their Effect on You:  If you've grown up with certain negative beliefs about yourself, you might not even question whether they're true or not.  That's why it's so important to step back so you can become aware of how unresolved problems, especially longstanding problems, are affecting you.  Awareness and acknowledgement are the first steps.  This isn't about blaming your parents or yourself--it's about trying to be more objective.  And, once you've become aware of your problems and acknowledge them, consider whether there are things you can do now to try to resolve them (see my articles: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

• Be Honest With Yourself About Negative Habits:  Once you've gained some insight into your problems, be honest with yourself about the negative habits that you've developed due to your unresolved problems.  For instance, do you tend to procrastinate when you're fearful of undertaking a certain task or goal?  Does the negative voice inside your head convince you that it's not worth making the effort because you're only going to fail, so why even try?  Once again, this isn't about blame--its about acknowledging what is and trying to find a way to change it.  Maybe you can choose one negative habit that you would like to change and work on that rather than trying to change all your negative habits at once (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination, Overcoming the "I'm Too Old To Change" Mindset and Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Passive Behavior).

• Re-evaluate the Negative People in Your Life:  When you think about who you let into your inner circle, do you have a lot of people who are reinforcing your already negative views about yourself?  In some ways, maybe you feel comfortable with these negative people because they reinforce your already negative views and also reinforce your propensity not to take risks.  But making changes often involves taking certain risks, so be honest with yourself as to how these people are affecting you.  This doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life (although you might decide to do that).  It could also mean that maybe they're not in the inner circle, and you include supportive people in your inner circle instead.

But you might take these steps and still feel like you're stuck in a rut (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps).  Then what?

It's possible that you might have unconscious thoughts and feelings that are getting in your way.  Since these thoughts and feelings are unconscious, it's hard to detect them on your own.  You might get glimpses of them in your dreams or even in your daydreams, but most of the time they will elude you (see my article: What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?).

Getting Help in Therapy
When you're trying to overcome obstacles to making changes in your life and you're unable to do it on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome these obstacles, especially ones that you're not aware of because they're unconscious (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life: Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled therapist can help you to identify these obstacles and provide you with the tools to overcome them.

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help in therapy can help you to make positive changes in your life so that you can lead a happier and more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Many people find it difficult to make decisions about their lives, whether it involves family, romantic, relationships, friendships or career.  They approach decision making as if it is a "do or die" endeavor and fail to recognize that, with time, as the old saying goes:  "Indecision becomes decision" (anonymous quote).

Fear of Making Decisions:  Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Why Are People Afraid to Make Decision?
People who have a tendency to approach decision making with fear act as if whatever decision they make will put them on an unchangeable collision course with death.

But when you think about it, in many cases decisions that are made can be changed.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you're considering career options, rather than thinking that you'll be spending the rest of your life in a particular career, which makes possible decisions seem very daunting, you can recognize that many people change careers several times in a lifetime for a variety of reasons.

Maybe the career that they chose originally suited them at the time and no longer suits them.  Possibly, they're in a better position to do what they always wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity to do.  And so on.

Making No Decision, By Default, Becomes a Decision
You can only stand on the fence for so long before no decision becomes a decision.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you spend your whole life wondering whether or not you want to get married and you pass up compatible romantic partners along the way, at some point when you're at the end of your life, you can look back and see that your indecision became a decision to remain single.

Depending upon how you feel about being single, that might be fine.  But if you live to regret your indecision, you realize that, by default, you chose to remain single, even though you might have done it passively.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario of how indecision becomes a decision with regard to a romantic relationship:

Tom
Tom grew up in a household where his parents were constantly bickering and at odds with each other.

At an early age, Tom decided that he never wanted to get married because he believed that, even when two people entered into a marriage loving each other, over time, marriage spoiled everything.

During his senior year in college, he met Lori, a kind, intelligent, attractive woman who had many similar interests to Tom.

After they graduated college, Tom and Lori moved in together.  They lived together happily for several years--until Lori brought up marriage and having children.

Lori was already aware of Tom's feelings about marriage, but she hoped that he would change his mind  as time passed and he could see how happy they were with each other.

Tom was committed to their relationship, but he had a deep seated fear that everything would change, as it had for his parents, if he and Lori got married.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

Over the next few years, Lori was patient and he and Lori continued to talk about the possibility of getting married.

Although his fears softened somewhat over time, Tom couldn't make a decision, one way or the other, as to whether he would marry Lori.  On the one hand, this was something that Lori really wanted and he didn't want to lose her.  On the other hand, he didn't want to ruin the good relationship that they had by getting married.

But as time went by, tension grew between them about the possibility of marriage.

Feeling that she was  coming to the end of her patience, Lori told Tom that she wanted to have children with Tom and she wanted to do this as a married couple.  She didn't want to wait any longer to have children.

Reluctantly, she told Tom that she felt his indecision about marriage was actually a decision, by default, not to get married.  She told him that she would stay with him until the end of the year and if by that time, nothing changed, she would leave.

Tom also wanted to have children and, for his part, he would have been willing to have children with Lori while they were living together.  But he realized now that, for Lori, this wasn't an option.

Feeling the pressure mount and not knowing what else to do, Tom sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

As part of his therapy, Tom worked through his fears, which stemmed from unresolved emotional wounds from childhood.

Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions

Over time, Tom recognized that his perspective about marriage was distorted by his experience of his parents' marriage, and that he and Lori had a much healthier relationship.  This allowed him to make a decision to get married to Lori and start a family.

Conclusion
When you're trying to make a decision, there are no guarantees that, whatever you choose, things will work out.

But, over time, no decision becomes a passive decision to do nothing, and that's usually the worst choice.

Like Tom in the fictionalized scenario above, many people have problems making decisions because of unresolved emotional issues that taint their decision making process.  In many other cases, people learned as children to be anxious about making decisions.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of the worst feelings that someone can have at end of his or her life is to look back and say, "If only I had…" (fill in the blank) when it's now too late.

If you have a decision to make where you have been on the fence for a while, you're probably aware that, at some point, doing nothing becomes a decision not to change, and this is probably not the option that you want.

So, rather than allow time to make the decision for you by default, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients in situations similar to yours.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with fear of making a decisions to overcome this fear so they could lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

People often to come to therapy after their own efforts to heal emotionally haven't worked for them and they realize that they need help from a licensed mental health professional.  

It's understandable that a big part of the reason why they come to therapy is because they want to feel better, and it's often the case that when they begin to talk about their problems, they start to feel better.  

But the problem arises when clients stop attending therapy as soon as they start feeling better as opposed to when they have emotionally healed by working through the problem (see my article:  When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

Leaving Therapy:  Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

Since starting to feel better often begins during the initial stage of therapy, a client who leaves therapy before s/he has worked through the problem is leaving prematurely and will usually experience a "relapse" of the emotional problem because starting to feel better isn't the same as resolving the problem.  It's just a temporary alleviation of symptoms until the symptoms come back to the surface again.

Let's take a look at an example of this in the following vignette which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Jack
Before coming to therapy, Jack tried to deal with his panic attacks around his difficult boss by working out at the gym, attending yoga classes, and talking to friends about it.  But none of these efforts helped him (see my articles:  Workplace: Coping with a Difficult Boss and How Your Workplace Can Feel Like a Dysfunctional Family).

Leaving Therapy:  Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

When he went to see his medical doctor, his doctor gave him a prescription for anti-anxiety medication for short term use and recommended that Jack see a psychotherapist to work out whatever underlying issues might be affecting him.

Jack discovered that the medication helped to relieve his panicky symptoms for short periods of time. But he realized that, after a while, he needed a higher dose to alleviate symptoms, and he didn't like becoming dependent upon medication.  So, although he preferred not to go to therapy, he followed his doctor's advice and contacted me for help.

After we talked about his family history, both Jack and I began to see parallels between his situation at work and his abusive father.  Both men were overbearing and verbally abusive.  Jack's father was also physically abusive with Jack when Jack was a child.

Just knowing this was a tremendous relief for Jack.  Until then, he felt that he was "going crazy" whenever he had a panic attack around his boss.

As Jack started to understand that he was reacting to his boss as if he were a child and his boss was his abusive father, he began to be able to separate his current experiences from his childhood experiences (see my articles:  Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

At that point, Jack decided that he didn't need to continue in therapy anymore because he "understood" why he was having his panic attacks.  So, during a period of time when his boss was away on an extended business trip, Jack decided that he was "feeling better" and he would end therapy.

Leaving Therapy:  Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

I tried to explain to Jack that the alleviation of his symptoms was probably temporary since he had not worked through the underlying emotional problems (his childhood history of being abused) involved in his current problem.  Understanding logically was the first step, but it usually doesn't resolve these types of problems.  There was also the fact that his boss was away so Jack wasn't getting triggered at that point by the boss's abusive behavior.

But Jack had made up his mind about leaving therapy.  So, I told him that my door remained open and he could return in the future.

Within a couple of weeks, after his boss returned, I received a call from Jack, who said that he was having panic attacks again. In one instance, he thought he was having a heart attack and he went to the ER.  After the ER doctors ruled out a heart attack, they told Jack that he was having a panic attack with heart palpitations, shakiness and sweating and he should seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Leaving Therapy:  Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

Jack said that this was, by far, the worst panic attack that he had ever had and it frightened him to the point where he was now constantly worried that he would have another panic attack.

We resumed our work that week.

I began by helping Jack to develop internal resources, which are basically coping skills (see my article:  Developing Internal Resources in Therapy).

After helping Jack to develop the internal resources to do the therapeutic work, we started doing EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a mind-body oriented type of therapy to work on the current situation as well as the underlying issues that were getting triggered by his unresolved childhood trauma (see my articles:  What is EMDR?, How EMDR Works: Part 1: EMDR and the Brain, How EMDR Works - Part 2: Overcoming Trauma and EMDR: When the Past is in the Present).

As we worked together, Jack learned to manage his panic-related symptoms.  More importantly, over time, the EMDR therapy helped Jack to work through the unresolved childhood abuse he experienced with his father that was getting triggered with his boss (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window into the Conscious Mind).

He no longer had panic attacks because the underlying traumatic issues triggering the attacks got worked through so they were no longer there to be triggered (see my article:  Experiential Therapy. Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Leaving Therapy:  Confusing Starting to "Feel Better" With Emotional Healing

Not only did Jack "feel better," but his boss's abusive behavior no longer frightened him.  In fact, for the first time, Jack saw that his boss was really an insecure man who bullied employees to bolster his own low self esteem.

Rather than freezing in panic, Jack's attitude about the work situation was that, although it was unpleasant, he no longer felt threatened by it.

A few months later, Jack found a better job where he felt happier, respected and well compensated.

Summary
Just like "Jack," many clients think that their work in therapy is over once they understand their problem and they start to "feel better."  Unfortunately, this usually doesn't last, especially when emotional trauma is involved.

An intellectual understanding is a good start, but it's not the same as actually working through the problem, as "Jack" discovered.

The working through process necessitates working on a deeper level than just having a cognitive understanding.

EMDR and other mind-body oriented types of therapy, like Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis tend to be more effective and efficient than regular talk therapy when the problem involves emotional trauma (EMDR: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Of course, everyone is different and these types of therapy aren't a quick fix but, as an experienced therapist, I have found that EMDR and other mind-body oriented types of therapy tend to work faster to resolve trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have tried unsuccessfully to work out your problems on your own, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, you could work through your problems so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

In addition to providing mind-body oriented psychotherapy, I also use talk therapy with clients who would benefit from it.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.