A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

In my recent articles I have been writing about The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism based on the book, The Erotic Mind - Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin (see my prior articles: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation and Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

As I mentioned in my first article about this topic, according to Dr. Morin, the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Sexual Prohibitions
• Searching For Power 
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Searching For Power

In the current article, I'm focusing on the third cornerstone that Dr. Morin discusses in his book, which is Searching For Power.  

As a normal part of children's development, from the age of about two years old, babies vacillate from being dependent on their parents to wanting some independence.  This is the stage known as "The Terrible Twos," which is an unfortunate name for this stage, because although this stage might be frustrating for the parents at times, it's normal.

Babies don't have the communication skills to ask for what they want (or what they don't want) so during this stage they learn to say "No" by crying, having temper tantrums, flailing about or other ways of expressing their discontent.

The point is they learn through their actions that they can get their parents' attention and have some power over their situation in certain instances to get what they want and reject what they don't want.

Later on, during adolescence, children also rebel in an effort to have some degree of power and autonomy, which is also a normal stage of development.  Beyond adolescence, throughout the life cycle, adults learn to have direct and indirect power in situations.  

Many people, who are in a subordinate role socially or professionally, learn to have power in subtle and not so subtle ways.  For example, employees learn to "manage up" with regard to their boss.  Other people learn to finesse certain situations so they are more empowered in situations where they are, at least on the surface, in a subordinate role.

There are also more dysfunctional examples of people who learn to manipulate by "playing the victim" in certain situations where they get what they want by making others feel guilty.  In those situation, they might act like the victim, but they're using their so-called victim role to get what they want.

Sexual Power Play in Fantasy and Reality

According to Dr. Morin's research, 28% of his respondents indicated they and their partner are (or they were at some point) involved in sexual power play--either in fantasy or in real life (see my articles: What is Power Play? and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

With regard to sexual fantasies, the popularity of romance novels, which accounts for over $1 billion in book sales, is due in part to at least some elements of dominance and submission.  

Even if there isn't explicit BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism) in the story, there is usually at least an element of relational power play with a heterosexual "alpha male" character who pursues the more submissive heterosexual woman.  Although the "alpha male" might be in control with regard to the chase, the female character in these stories often obtains power by being adored and cherished by the man.

Part of the appeal of romance novels for many women is that the stories usually have the basic elements of the Erotic Equation as part of the story: There is a sexual attraction and there are often numerous obstacles the two characters must overcome to be together.  Often the obstacles seem insurmountable almost to the end, which adds excitement for the reader. 

In addition, most romance novels also contain various elements of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: There is usually longing and anticipation throughout most of the story.  In erotic romance novels, in addition to the breaking of sexual taboos, there are often class and race differences, age differences, and various other violations of societal norms. 

Furthermore, romance novel readers, who are mostly women, get to fantasize about being the heroine as the readers become immersed in the story.  

The other obvious appeal is that, after the hero and heroine overcome the obstacles that keep them apart, they get to live happily ever after, which is different from the more complex problems of real relationships.

Sexual Power Play: Establishing Consent and Safety First

In consensual power play, both people agree beforehand about what they will do and what is off limits.  Some people write up a power and submission agreement where they negotiate what they want so everything is clear to each person and consensual.

They also agree beforehand to a safe word, which is a code word they use when either of them wants to stop the role play--either temporarily or permanently during that scene. 

For example, if the agreed upon safe word is "red," it's understood that if the the person in the submissive role, known as the sub, says any other word, like, "Stop" or "No more," the dominant person, known as the dom, won't stop unless the sub says "red" because it's understood that this is part of the power play and adds to the sexual pleasure. 

After an agreement has been reached about what they will and won't do, the sub "submits" to the dom within the limits of the agreement they made beforehand.  This could include spanking, being tied up or whatever is in their agreement.

According to Dr. Morin, his research has revealed that, with regard to safety, heterosexual women. who take on the sub role, feel safest when the men they are with are "strong yet gentle."  This preference is indicative of their awareness that there is a potential for unwanted male aggression in power play situations. 

Most people only engage in these roles during the power play scene they create, but there are also couples who continue in relational power play (even when they're not being sexual) unless one or both of them want to de-role temporarily for a particular reason. 

Among individuals who have power-related fantasies, many of them, who explore the origins of their fantasies, discover that they are related to situations they either saw or experienced in childhood that have become eroticized for them.

The Paradox of Sexual Power Play

It is important to note the paradox of sexual power play: When two people enact consensual power play, although it appears on the surface as if the sub is in a powerless position, in reality the sub has a lot of control with regard to the original agreement, the safe word and when to stop, and the dom must adhere to the sub's wishes.

Either person can stop the power play scene at any time.  But since it's often the sub who is being acted upon, the sub is usually the one who is more likely to pause, modify or stop the scene and the dom is the one who will acquiesce.

Switching Roles in Power Play

People often have an affinity for either being a sub or a dom. But there are also people who like to switch roles at various times.

For instance, a heterosexual man, who considers himself to be an "alpha male" in real life, might enjoy occasionally being the sub with his partner as the dom.  

This is often true for people who are in powerful positions in real life who want to experience, for a change, giving over control to someone else.  

According to Dr. Morin, some heterosexual "alpha males" who fantasize about being dominated, have problems giving over control to a dominant woman in reality.

Similarly, a heterosexual woman, who tends to be more submissive in real life, might like to feel what it's like to be in the dominant role for a change.  If she has a receptive partner, she can play with being in the power position either in fantasy or in an actual BDSM scene.

Conclusion

Searching for Power is an important part of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism.

Power play is a big topic, so I have really only scratched the surface in this blog article, but I hope I have given you an idea of what's involved.

Whether two people engage in fantasy or they engage in an actual BDSM scene, sexual power play is a big turn on for many people.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in their life.

If you have unresolved problems that are getting in the way of your sense of well-being, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in the area causing you a problem.

Once you have overcome your problem, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

I've been focusing in recent articles on the work of sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin and his groundbreaking book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement, What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism? and A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation). I'm continuing the discussion about the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism in this article by focusing on Violating Prohibitions.  

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

As I mentioned in my first article about this topic, according to Dr. Morin, the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Prohibitions
• Searching For Power 
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Violating Sexual Prohibitions
Violating sexual prohibitions include violating cultural and religious norms, ideals, mores and rules that are meant to restrict and enforce sexual behavior.  

The unintended consequences of these prohibitions often make them sexually arousing.  For some people, the fantasy of violating these prohibitions is enough of a turn on without engaging in the behavior in real life. 

Some examples of sexually arousing prohibitions include:

• Having sex in a car parked on the street, in a park or in a public place where there is a risk of getting caught
• A sexual attraction to someone who is from another race or ethnic background when your family or culture prohibits it or where the behavior would include "forbidden fruit"
• Pushing sexual boundaries 
• Having a secret sexual affair 

As a clarification: The sexual prohibitions that I'm referring to are all consensual and do not take advantage of anyone.

Dr. Morin's Erotic Equation states that Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. So, violating sexual prohibitions (breaking the rules) is exciting for many people because it includes sexual attraction and obstacles, including the risk of getting caught.

Childhood curiosity often includes "playing doctor," looking up sexual terms and discovering pictures in magazines or online of semi-nude or nude people.  

At times, these activities can elicit feeling "naughty," guilty, or fear of punishment if discovered by a parent.  At the same time, these children can feel excited and aroused by these new discoveries.

According to Dr. Morin, the fusion of arousal and rule-breaking during childhood increases the likelihood that adult eroticism will include a tendency to get excited by breaking the rules.  It's often most exciting in restrictive cultures or religions that attempt to block expressions of sexuality.  

Adolescence is a time when breaking the rules, including sexual prohibitions, is exciting for many curious teens. The fascination involved with sexual self discovery, teenage rebellion, and the risk of getting caught by a parent adds to the excitement for many teens. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates how violating sexual prohibitions can enhance sexual excitement:

Jane

Growing up in a conservative home, as a child, Jane was aware that sex was a taboo subject.

By the time she started elementary school, Jane was having crushes on boys at school. But she knew her parents wouldn't approve of her liking boys, especially at such a young age, so she kept her crushes to herself. 

When she was in third grade, she had a big crush on a boy in her class, Billy. Every day just the thought of seeing Billy was enough to make Jane feel excited with anticipation (see my article about Longing and Anticipation).

When she got to school, she felt too shy to say anything to Billy, but she watched him from a distance, and she was acutely aware of where he was and the things he did and said.

She also knew her parents would be upset if they knew she was so focused on him.  So, she tried to ignore him to focus on what the teacher was saying, but her attention kept getting diverted back to Billy.

Being an intensely curious child, Jane often wondered what it would be like to kiss Billy.  Just the thought of kissing Billy was so exciting, but it also left her feeling guilty.  She was afraid that, even if her parents didn't find out about her thoughts, maybe these thoughts were a "sin."

Having no one to talk to about this, Jane vacillated back and forth in her mind from imagining herself kissing Billy to silently reprimanding herself for even thinking about this.  

When she was at home, she often daydreamed about Billy while she was writing his name over and over again in the back of her notebook--before she forced herself to think about her schoolwork.

By the time Jane turned 13, she was having doubts about her religious upbringing.  She was bored during the church sermons and her thoughts drifted to her latest crush.  

By then, she was allowed to have a few close friends who were outside her church group, and she was fascinated by the way they talked about their crushes.  It was such a relief for her to have friends she could talk to about her crush on Billy--although she was careful to make sure her parents weren't within earshot.

Jane was aware her parents didn't want her to date until she was 16, but her girl friends were already going out in groups with boys they liked, so she would join them.  She knew if her parents found out, they would be angry, but her curiosity and excitement outweighed her fear of getting caught by her parents.

On one of these outings to the park, Jane was delighted to discover that her latest crush, Joey, was there.  She knew her parents wanted her home immediately after school, but they were at work and there was no one else monitoring her behavior when they weren't home.  So, instead of going home after school, Jane went to the park to be with her friends and, especially, to see Joey.  

When she got there, Jane felt so excited about seeing Joey that she felt "butterflies" in her stomach and tingly all over her body.  

Joey was talking and laughing with his friends, so he didn't notice her at first.  But when he turned around and saw her, he gave her a big smile--and she almost felt faint.

Then Joey came over to where Jane was standing to greet her.  At first, she felt so shy, she didn't know what to say.  But he was so easy to talk to that she soon found the courage to talk to him about their school activities.

When he suggested they go for a walk on their own, Jane was thrilled.  Within a short distance from their friends, in a more secluded part of the park, Joey suggested they sit on an unoccupied bench.  They continued to talk about school for a while, but then Jane noticed that Joey was leaning closer to her and she realized he was about to kiss her.

Up until then, Jane had never experienced anything like the pleasure she felt when she had her first kiss with Joey.  Her face was flush, her heart was pounding, and her hands were sweaty.  

When they walked back to be with their friends, she felt like her feet weren't touching the ground.  Later on, she and her friends were talking and giggling about it.  Then she realized the time and she rushed home to get there before her parents returned from work.

Soon after that, she and Joey were secretly meeting regularly for extended make out sessions.  They also talked about how crazy they felt for each other.  Afterwards, she would call her friends in a state of euphoria and they would talk about the boys they liked.

Sometimes Jane's friends would meet at Jane's house and they would secretly use Jane's parents' computer to look up advice on kissing and dating.  When they left, Jane was always careful to erase the browser history so her parents didn't discover what they were looking up.

There were times when Jane wondered if secretly getting together with Joey was wrong and she felt guilty about it.  She knew her parents would be disappointed and angry with her, but then whenever she saw Joey, she mostly forgot about her parents' disapproval.

As time went on, Jane's curiosity about sex grew.  By the time she was 17, she had a boyfriend, who was her age, Nick, her parents didn't know about.  She would tell her parents she was going to a friend's house, but she would secretly meet Nick to have sex with him in the backseat of his car.  

One night when Jane and Nick were parked on a deserted block having sex in the backseat, they were startled when a police officer tapped on the window.  Even though they were shocked, they rushed to get dressed and Nick jumped into the front seat of the car to talk to the police officer. 

The officer checked to make sure that Jane was alright.  After he checked Nick's license and registration, he gave them a warning about having sex in the car.  Then, he drove off. 

When the police officer was out of sight, Jane and Nick burst out laughing.  They were still feeling scared, but they were even more excited about getting caught.  For the next few days, they stopped having sex in Nick's car, but after a week, their temptation outweighed their fear and they found new deserted places to park and have sex.

By the time Jane went to college, she left the church and she never looked back.  Her parents were upset about this, but they also knew she was old enough to make her own decisions.  

Throughout college, Jane continued to be fascinated with "breaking the rules" sexually.  Even though there was no one monitoring her sexual behavior at college, just knowing that her parents and former church community would disapprove of her "transgressive" sexual behavior filled her with excitement and also a tinge of guilt.

Even after college, when Jane was in a committed relationship with Tom, she felt the push-pull of inhibition versus sexual excitement when she and her partner engaged in sexual role play in the privacy of their apartment, including role playing with power and submission to spice things up from time to time.

Although Jane's guilt about her sexual activities decreased significantly by that time, she had internalized the sexual prohibitions that were once imposed externally by her parents and religious community.  

By the time she was an adult, she had formed her own values and boundaries with regard to sex. But she continued to feel excited by playing with the idea of being the "bad girl" whenever she and Tom explored their peak sexual experiences in fantasy and in behavior.  

Conclusion

Violating sexual prohibitions, including breaking the rules imposed externally by parents or cultural/religious groups, often includes a so-called "naughtiness factor" for many people.  In order to experience the thrill of forbidden behavior, there are usually overt or perceived boundaries to come up against.

For many people the risk of punishment or social condemnation in sexual rule breaking gives these prohibitions their excitement throughout a person's life cycle.

Aside from the sexual excitement it provides, sexual prohibitions (where there is consent and no one is being taken advantage of) can help to provide a sense of autonomy as well as enhanced self esteem where adults define themselves and their own right to make decisions about their behavior.

Rule breaking often remains exclusively on the fantasy level, as opposed to actual behavior.  Whether rule breaking is fantasized or performed in real life, aside from enhancing sexual excitement, it can enhance sexual self discovery (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming sexual guilt and shame can be challenging, especially if you were raised in a restrictive environment.  

If you're struggling with unresolved sexual issues, you owe it to yourself to get help from a sex positive licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

Once you're free from your history, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

In my last article, What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?, which is based on the book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Source of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, I gave an overview and a brief explanation of the four cornerstones.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Prohibitions
• Searching For Power
• Overcoming Ambivalence

One of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

In the current article, I'm focusing on the first cornerstone mentioned in Dr. Morin's book, Longing and Anticipation, which includes the sexual attraction and obstacles I discussed in my article, The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.

The ability to experience longing and anticipation begins in infancy when you're yearning for your mother's soothing presence, warmth and nurturance.  Also, as a child, you might have anticipated and longed for your parents' arrival from work in the evening.  

Children also use their imagination and fantasize about imaginary friends who are always with them and who never disappoint them.  Sometimes these imaginary friends are their alter egos, as when a child says about his imaginary friend, "I didn't do it--it was Johnny!"

As an adult, when you desire someone who isn't with you, you can experience this type of longing.  This is the case with unrequited love and other instances where what is desired either cannot be obtained or there are obstacles to obtaining what you desire (see my article: Obsessing About the One Who Got Away).

In a long distance relationship where you can only see your partner infrequently, you are also likely to experience longing because you miss your partner and anticipate the next time you see them.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

Longing and anticipation also comes up when you're pursuing someone and hoping that person will go out with you.  As I mentioned in my article, Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase, the real thrill in chasing someone isn't about "catching" them--it's about the pleasure you experience from the anticipation of "catching" them.

Even when you're in a relationship with someone who lives nearby, on the days when you're not together, you long to see them or hear from them, especially during the early stages of a relationship.  You might daydream about that person, anticipate their call or text and imagine the things the two of you will do when you're together.

In these and other similar situations where you're unable to be with a person you desire--whether it's temporarily or indefinitely--you feel a heightened state of sexual excitement.  All of this pent up emotion and sexual energy peaks when you get together with your partner.  

Paradoxically, once you and your partner are in an established long term relationship where you're living together or married, anticipation and longing tend to wane if you don't add novelty or spice things up (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Clinical Vignette:  

The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different clinical cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how longing and anticipation enhance sexual excitement:

Sandy and Bill

While they were home from college, Sandy and Bill met at a friend's holiday party, and they both felt an instant strong attraction for each other.

During their holiday break, they spent as much time together as they could before Sandy returned to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and Bill returned to UCLA in Los Angeles.  

Every night before she went to sleep, Sandy thought about Bill and how she couldn't wait to see him the following day.  She even had romantic dreams about him.  

Every night before Bill went to sleep, he thought of things he wanted to tell Sandy and what he wanted to do with her sexually.  He couldn't wait to see her.

By the end of the first week, they found a secluded area in the park near Bill's parents' house and they had passionate sex for the first time.  

The sexual passion was heightened because they both knew there was a risk of getting caught by having sex in a public place (i.e., one of the four cornerstones of eroticism: Violating a Sexual Prohibition) and also because it would be months before they saw each other again.  

When they returned to college, they both spent a lot of time obsessing about each other and texting as much as they could.  

Both of them found it difficult to focus on their college assignments because they were fantasizing about the next time they would see each other again during Spring Break.

During the months before Spring Break, Sandy sometimes felt she couldn't endure the wait to see Bill again.  She told him that she wanted to take time off from school to fly out to Los Angeles to see him.  Bill told her that he felt the same way--like he would burst if he didn't see Sandy soon. But he didn't want Sandy to miss her classes so, reluctantly, he told her not to come see him.  

While they were counting the days until they could see each other in person, they were online every night. They told each other how much they yearned to be together. They also sent each other flirty texts during the day.  

During that time, the romantic and sexual tension was building between them, so by the time they saw each other on Spring Break, they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

When they were back at their respective colleges, during the months between Spring Break and end of term, they were both missing each other a lot and the tension led to a few arguments.  

After one of those arguments, Bill went to a party, got drunk and took a woman he met at the party back to his dorm room.  

When Sandy didn't hear from Bill the next day, she was surprised.  She tried to reach him a few times, but he didn't respond.  

Finally, after receiving several panicky texts from Sandy, Bill called her and confessed that he had sex with another woman at his college.  He also told Sandy that he didn't think he could remain celibate for the rest of the term until they saw each other again.

Sandy was heartbroken.  She knew it would be difficult while they were apart and so far away from each other, but she thought Bill would be faithful to her, as he promised he would.  

During the next week, she kept calling Bill, but he didn't respond.  After that, she felt so despondent that she could barely bring herself to go to class.  

A few weeks later, Bill called Sandy to apologize for hurting her feelings.  They were both seniors and just a few months away from graduation when they would be returning to their parents' homes in New York City.  So, Bill asked to see Sandy again when they were both back in New York. In the meantime, he wanted to be free to see other women, and Sandy grudgingly agreed.

During the next few months, Sandy and Bill kept in touch by phone and online.  They both missed each other a lot.  To soothe their longing for each other, they talked about getting together when they were both at home in New York again.

During their first few weeks back home in New York, they got together every day.  The longing and anticipation had built up so much sexual tension that they were having sex every chance they could, and it was even more passionate than before.

By the end of the month, they were getting to know each other better, and they both realized they each had very different goals and long term plans.  

Sandy wanted to return to Ann Arbor for a graduate degree and Bill wanted to join his father's brokerage firm on Wall Street.  Sandy also realized that Bill was a lot more politically conservative than she realized, and Bill discovered that Sandy had liberal views that he found repugnant.

As they each realized they didn't really known each other before this. They also acknowledged that, with all the excitement they experienced while they were apart, they didn't realize that a long term relationship between them wouldn't work (see my article: The Ideal vs the Real).

They now understood that they were too caught up in their sexual attraction for each other to consider their very different values.  They also realized that their brief relationship was more about lust than about love (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

They decided to continue to see each other until Sandy left for her graduate school program in Ann Arbor.  

After that, they both eventually got into long term relationships with people who were compatible.

Conclusion

Longing and anticipation is one of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism, according to sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin.

Whether the longing and anticipation involves a long distance relationship, pursuing a partner as part of a "chase" or unrequited love, to name just a few situations, the sexual attraction plus obstacles involved serve to heighten eroticism.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Relationship problems can be difficult to solve on your own.  

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the experience and the skills to help you resolve your problems.

Taking the first step to contact a therapist can be challenging, but it can also be the first step on your way to having a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

 In my prior article,  The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement, I discussed Dr. Jack Morin's concepts on eroticism from his book The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.  

As part of the current discussion on eroticism and relationships in this article, I'm focusing on Dr. Morin's Four Cornerstones of Eroticism (see my articles:  What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are related to Dr. Morin's concepts about The Erotic Equation.  

Here's a brief explanation of the Four Cornerstones:

• Longing and Anticipation: When you desire someone you don't (or can't) have, you experience longing and anticipation.  This is the case with unrequited love and other instances where what is desired either cannot be obtained or there are obstacles to obtaining what you desire (see my article: Obsessing About the One Who Got Away).

• Violating Prohibitions:  Violating sexual prohibitions include violating cultural norms and or laws that are meant to restrict and enforce sexual behavior.  The unintended consequences of these prohibitions often become sexually arousing.  For some people, the fantasy of violating these prohibitions is enough of a turn on without engaging in the behavior in real life. Some examples of sexually arousing prohibitions include:

• Having sex in a car parked on the street, in a park or in a public place where there is a risk of getting caught
• Having sex with someone who is from another race or ethnic background when your family or culture prohibits it
• Having a secret sexual affair (see my articles: Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat? and Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable)

• Searching For Power: Consensual power play is an example of a search for power where there is one partner who is in the dominant role and the other partner is in the submissive role. There are also people who are "switches" where they switch roles.  Role playing is another example.  These activities can be performed in real life or as part of a sexual fantasy (see my articles: What is Power Play?, Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission and Sexual Wellness: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

• Overcoming Ambivalence: Wanting and not wanting, liking and not liking, being attracted to and being repulsed by at the same time can intensify eroticism.  Most adults, who have experienced emotional pain in a relationship or in a situation where they desired someone but their feelings weren't reciprocated, as in unrequited love, know about the ambivalence of wanting love and being fearful of it at the same time.  Overcoming ambivalence becomes erotic at the point when these mixed feelings are transformed from avoidance to the pursuit of pleasure (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

In upcoming articles, I'll explore each of the Four Cornerstones in more detail:  See my article: One of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are having problems that you have been unable to resolve on your own, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the  expertise to help you overcome your issue.

Seek help in therapy so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

In his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin discusses a concept he coined the "Erotic Equation," which he defines as attraction plus obstacles equals excitement (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self: Part 1 and Part 2).

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

According to Dr. Morin, for most people sexual desire and arousal are stimulated by the interaction of two forces: An attraction pulls you towards the person you desire, as well as an obstacle that makes the other person compelling, including unavailability or being inappropriate in some way.

Dr. Morin posits that the erotic experience is shaped by this push-pull interaction and the potentially dangerous result (e.g., the possibility of getting hurt by this unavailable and/or inappropriate person).  

He says that people are often most excited by the person they're attracted to when they feel a little off-balance and uncertain, which can bring them to the edge of ecstasy or disaster.  So, the Erotic Equation involves the interaction of impulse and restriction.  

Why Are You Attracted to Certain People?

After talking to hundreds of people, as part of his research, Dr. Morin says there are two main types of attraction: lusty and romantic (see my article:  What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible?).

With regard to lusty attractions, Dr. Morin posits (and I agree) that lust is a part of erotic health.  At the core of a lusty attraction is a desire for sexual excitement and orgasmic release.  It can be profound, meaningless, playful, hostile or loving.  It can also be intensely animalistic and exhilarating as well as frightening or a combination of these qualities.

Like lusty attractions, romantic attractions can also be compelling and fascinating.  However, whereas lusty attractions are about arousal and orgasm, romantic attractions include a need for a mutually passionate bond.  It also has a deeper goal of the emotional joining of two individuals (not just the physical).

How Do Obstacles Affect Sexual Attractions?

According to Dr. Morin, most people have a stronger response to the person they're attracted to if the attraction is made more difficult by the presence of obstacles that must be overcome.

An example of this kind of obstacle is distance, including physical, emotional and geographic distance.

During an initial encounter, two people often unknowingly play with distance with a flirtatious gaze--looking at the other person and then looking away.  The looking away is what creates momentary distance and excitement.

Flirting is often especially intense when romantic or sexual fulfillment isn't possible.  An example Dr. Morin gives is of two people who are attracted to each other at an airport where each of them is about to board a different plane so they're unavailable to each other.

Another example, which is one I've heard many people talk about, is when someone, who is in a committed relationship, gets much more sexual or romantic attention than they ordinarily would when they were single.  

Part of this is that they're relaxed (compared to someone else who is single and seeking a partner).  But another major factor is their unavailability, which often boosts their erotic appeal to their admirer.

Finding the Optimal Distance to Create Attraction and Excitement

According to Dr. Morin, sexual arousal can be thought of as an electric spark.  If the gap between two people is too large, it's too much distance to bridge and the spark gives out.  But if the gap is too narrow, creating the spark isn't possible.  

So, the couple needs to find the optimal distance to keep the spark alive.  This is especially true in a long term relationship (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in a Relationship Fire Needs Air).

In Dr. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she gives an example of a woman who tells Dr. Perel that, ordinarily, when she looked at her husband, she thought about him as the man who left his dirty socks on the floor.  But one day, when she was at a conference with him and he was standing at a distance from her, she looked at him with new eyes--she saw how handsome and charming he was while he was talking to other people.  

Clients in my private practice in New York City have told me similar stories: A man, who was standing next to his girlfriend in a grocery store, walked to another aisle to find an item.  When he returned to the aisle where his girlfriend was standing at a distance from him, he noticed her attractiveness and sexiness, and he couldn't wait to get her home to make passionate love to her.

In both cases, there seems to be just the right distance where the people look at their significant others differently from how they were looking at them just a few minutes ago.

The same is often true with long distance relationships (see my article: Can a Long Distance Relationship Survive?).  

Distance can increase the passion between two people when they're able to see each other from time to time.  But if there's too much distance and too much time between visits, the ardor can cool off.

Conclusion

The Erotic Equation, which is a term coined by the sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, indicates that sexual and romantic excitement is often increased by attraction and obstacles.  

There can be many different types of obstacles, including unavailability as well as physical, emotional, and geographic distance. 

In long term relationships, couples often need to find new ways to keep the romantic and sexual spark alive, which can involve looking at your partner with new eyes. This can be facilitated with the optimal amount of distance (see my articles: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex? and Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Getting Help in Therapy

Rekindling passion in a long term relationship can be challenging.

If you and your partner have been unable the rekindle the passion you once had, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who has experience helping couples to reignite the passion in their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.