A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

I'm continuing to focus on the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism in this article, based on the book, The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

Also see my articles:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

Longing and Anticipation, Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules 

Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

First, to recap:  As I mentioned in my first article on this topic, Dr. Morin identifies the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism as follows:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Sexual Prohibitions
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Why is Overcoming Ambivalence a Cornerstone of Eroticism?

With regard to eroticism, ambivalence includes: 

• Wanting and Not Wanting
• Liking and Not Liking
• Being Attracted To and Being Repulsed

At first glance, ambivalence probably doesn't come to your mind as being associated with eroticism, but let's take a closer look at how overcoming ambivalence can intensify eroticism.

From Ambivalence to Sexual Passion

According to Dr. Morin, overcoming ambivalence is an internal form of the Erotic Equation because it contains both attraction and obstacles, which lead to sexual excitement, within the same person.

Ambivalence by itself isn't a sexual turn on.  The sexual turn on is the overcoming of ambivalence as ambivalence transforms into sexual desire when reluctance gives way to passion.

Ambivalent Sexual Attractions

• Clinical Vignette: Judy: One night when Judy went out with her friends for drinks, she met Lenny, who came onto her with a pickup line that disgusted her.  She hated when men came onto her in this way, and her initial inclination was to turn away from him.  At the same time she felt repulsed by him, she couldn't help noticing his sexual magnetism (being attracted towards and being repulsed) .  A part of her wanted to walk away, but another part of her was sexually attracted to him (liking and not liking).  The more she wanted to resist him, the more she felt sexually drawn to him.  As they continued to talk, she felt her initial reluctance to talk to him giving way as she noticed that, despite his pickup line, he was also a little shy. She found his shyness appealing, so when he asked, she gave him her phone number (the overcoming of ambivalence). 

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Judy: Initially, Judy is aware that she feels disgusted by Lenny but, at the same time, she is also aware she is sexually attracted to him based on his sexual magnetism.  Her mixed feelings transform as she continues to talk to him and she sees there's another side to him: His shyness, which she finds appealing enough to give him her telephone number (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

• Clinical Vignette: Joe: When Joe met Betty, he was aware that she was in a non-monogamous relationship with Tina and her relationship with Tina was her primary relationship. At first, he didn't mind that he and Betty weren't primary.  But as time went on and his romantic and sexual feelings for Betty developed, he found it increasingly difficult to know that Betty prioritized her relationship with Tina.  Seeing Betty once a week wasn't enough for him--he wanted more.  After he spoke to Betty about it, he was disappointed that she didn't want to change the nature of her relationship with him.  This made him so angry and hurt that when he wasn't with her, he thought about ending the relationship.  But when they saw each other again, they were both so excited and the sex was so passionate that all thoughts of ending the relationship dissolved--until he began missing her again a few days later.  Then, his anger and hurt would resurface (wanting and not wanting).  He remained caught on this emotional roller coaster where he hoped that, eventually, Betty would choose to be with him exclusively--even though, when he could be objective about it, he knew this probably wasn't going to happen.  At times, he would break it off with Betty, but he would soon regret it and beg her to take him back (liking and not liking) Also, see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship.

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Joe: Joe's ambivalence would be temporarily assuaged when he and Betty reconnected after being apart.  At that point, the buildup of anger and hurt actually added to his passion for her (more about how certain emotions, like anger, increase eroticism in a future article). Because he continued to want more from Betty, Joe's ambivalence was only temporarily overcome when they saw each other again.

• The Character Diane Chambers on the TV program, "Cheers:" Here's another example of ambivalence transforming into sexual desire:  If you watched the TV program, "Cheers," you're probably familiar with the characters, Diane Chambers and Sam Malone. You might remember that Diane had highly ambivalent feelings for Sam, especially in the beginning.  She considered herself to be a feminist and an intellectual so, initially, she looked down on Sam.  But Sam was also very good looking, which drew Diane to him. He was also a womanizer, which she really disliked.  Over time, despite her initial repulsion, she accepted her sexual attraction to him (liking and not liking, wanting and not wanting and being attracted to and being repulsed).  Similar to the first vignette, the more she tried to resist him, the more she was drawn to him.  Over time, she came to see that, despite the aspects of him she found unappealing, she also experienced him as irresistible.  As a result, she eventually got romantically and sexually involved with him (i.e, she overcame her ambivalence).

• Overcoming Ambivalence for Diane:  Although Diane overcame her initial ambivalence for Sam, they had a stormy relationship. The storminess of their relationship was due, in part, to both of them having ambivalent feelings for each other, which made their relationship both passionate and unstable. 

In the examples above, the ambivalence transforms, even if it's just temporarily, from negative feelings to sexual attraction.  Note how attraction and obstacles, which are part of Dr. Morin's Erotic Equation, are operative in these examples.

How Prevalent Are the Four Cornerstones in Peak Sexual Experiences?

According to Dr. Morin, none of the cornerstones are required for two people to experience sexual arousal for each other.

A strong attraction and sensual feelings are often enough for two people to be sexually turned on to each other (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences, Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Sexual Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

However, Dr. Morin indicates he discovered in his research that most participants in his study had at least one cornerstone as part of their memories of peak sexual experiences.  

Forty percent of the participants mentioned they experienced two or more cornerstones as part of their peak sexual experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find you're struggling with an unresolved problem, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

The decision to seek help in therapy can be challenging, but it's often the first step to living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

In my recent articles I have been writing about The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism based on the book, The Erotic Mind - Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin (see my prior articles: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation and Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

As I mentioned in my first article about this topic, according to Dr. Morin, the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Sexual Prohibitions
• Searching For Power 
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Searching For Power

In the current article, I'm focusing on the third cornerstone that Dr. Morin discusses in his book, which is Searching For Power.  

As a normal part of children's development, from the age of about two years old, babies vacillate from being dependent on their parents to wanting some independence.  This is the stage known as "The Terrible Twos," which is an unfortunate name for this stage, because although this stage might be frustrating for the parents at times, it's normal.

Babies don't have the communication skills to ask for what they want (or what they don't want) so during this stage they learn to say "No" by crying, having temper tantrums, flailing about or other ways of expressing their discontent.

The point is they learn through their actions that they can get their parents' attention and have some power over their situation in certain instances to get what they want and reject what they don't want.

Later on, during adolescence, children also rebel in an effort to have some degree of power and autonomy, which is also a normal stage of development.  Beyond adolescence, throughout the life cycle, adults learn to have direct and indirect power in situations.  

Many people, who are in a subordinate role socially or professionally, learn to have power in subtle and not so subtle ways.  For example, employees learn to "manage up" with regard to their boss.  Other people learn to finesse certain situations so they are more empowered in situations where they are, at least on the surface, in a subordinate role.

There are also more dysfunctional examples of people who learn to manipulate by "playing the victim" in certain situations where they get what they want by making others feel guilty.  In those situation, they might act like the victim, but they're using their so-called victim role to get what they want.

Sexual Power Play in Fantasy and Reality

According to Dr. Morin's research, 28% of his respondents indicated they and their partner are (or they were at some point) involved in sexual power play--either in fantasy or in real life (see my articles: What is Power Play? and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

With regard to sexual fantasies, the popularity of romance novels, which accounts for over $1 billion in book sales, is due in part to at least some elements of dominance and submission.  

Even if there isn't explicit BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism) in the story, there is usually at least an element of relational power play with a heterosexual "alpha male" character who pursues the more submissive heterosexual woman.  Although the "alpha male" might be in control with regard to the chase, the female character in these stories often obtains power by being adored and cherished by the man.

Part of the appeal of romance novels for many women is that the stories usually have the basic elements of the Erotic Equation as part of the story: There is a sexual attraction and there are often numerous obstacles the two characters must overcome to be together.  Often the obstacles seem insurmountable almost to the end, which adds excitement for the reader. 

In addition, most romance novels also contain various elements of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: There is usually longing and anticipation throughout most of the story.  In erotic romance novels, in addition to the breaking of sexual taboos, there are often class and race differences, age differences, and various other violations of societal norms. 

Furthermore, romance novel readers, who are mostly women, get to fantasize about being the heroine as the readers become immersed in the story.  

The other obvious appeal is that, after the hero and heroine overcome the obstacles that keep them apart, they get to live happily ever after, which is different from the more complex problems of real relationships.

Sexual Power Play: Establishing Consent and Safety First

In consensual power play, both people agree beforehand about what they will do and what is off limits.  Some people write up a power and submission agreement where they negotiate what they want so everything is clear to each person and consensual.

They also agree beforehand to a safe word, which is a code word they use when either of them wants to stop the role play--either temporarily or permanently during that scene. 

For example, if the agreed upon safe word is "red," it's understood that if the the person in the submissive role, known as the sub, says any other word, like, "Stop" or "No more," the dominant person, known as the dom, won't stop unless the sub says "red" because it's understood that this is part of the power play and adds to the sexual pleasure. 

After an agreement has been reached about what they will and won't do, the sub "submits" to the dom within the limits of the agreement they made beforehand.  This could include spanking, being tied up or whatever is in their agreement.

According to Dr. Morin, his research has revealed that, with regard to safety, heterosexual women. who take on the sub role, feel safest when the men they are with are "strong yet gentle."  This preference is indicative of their awareness that there is a potential for unwanted male aggression in power play situations. 

Most people only engage in these roles during the power play scene they create, but there are also couples who continue in relational power play (even when they're not being sexual) unless one or both of them want to de-role temporarily for a particular reason. 

Among individuals who have power-related fantasies, many of them, who explore the origins of their fantasies, discover that they are related to situations they either saw or experienced in childhood that have become eroticized for them.

The Paradox of Sexual Power Play

It is important to note the paradox of sexual power play: When two people enact consensual power play, although it appears on the surface as if the sub is in a powerless position, in reality the sub has a lot of control with regard to the original agreement, the safe word and when to stop, and the dom must adhere to the sub's wishes.

Either person can stop the power play scene at any time.  But since it's often the sub who is being acted upon, the sub is usually the one who is more likely to pause, modify or stop the scene and the dom is the one who will acquiesce.

Switching Roles in Power Play

People often have an affinity for either being a sub or a dom. But there are also people who like to switch roles at various times.

For instance, a heterosexual man, who considers himself to be an "alpha male" in real life, might enjoy occasionally being the sub with his partner as the dom.  

This is often true for people who are in powerful positions in real life who want to experience, for a change, giving over control to someone else.  

According to Dr. Morin, some heterosexual "alpha males" who fantasize about being dominated, have problems giving over control to a dominant woman in reality.

Similarly, a heterosexual woman, who tends to be more submissive in real life, might like to feel what it's like to be in the dominant role for a change.  If she has a receptive partner, she can play with being in the power position either in fantasy or in an actual BDSM scene.

Conclusion

Searching for Power is an important part of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism.

Power play is a big topic, so I have really only scratched the surface in this blog article, but I hope I have given you an idea of what's involved.

Whether two people engage in fantasy or they engage in an actual BDSM scene, sexual power play is a big turn on for many people.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in their life.

If you have unresolved problems that are getting in the way of your sense of well-being, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in the area causing you a problem.

Once you have overcome your problem, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.