What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Kinky Sex: What is Consensual Somnophilia?

Consensual somnophilia is a sexual interest in sex during sleep involving mutual consent (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia can be a sexual fantasy that is sexually arousing and never gets enacted. Or, it can be actually engaging in consensual sex during sleep as either the person who initiates sex or the person who gets sexual attention while they're asleep.

What is the Connection Between Consensual Somnophilia and BDSM?

According to an October 12, 2021 Psychology Today article by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, somnophilia can be related to BDSM.  

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (see my article: Are You Curious to Explore BDSM?).

When consensual somnophilia is linked to BDSM, it's related to kinky sex between sexual partners who want to engage in a consensual dominance-submission sexual dynamic (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Sub-Dom Roles?).

Since it's a consensual kink between sexual partners, unlike nonconsensual somnophilia, it does not involve abuse or harm. Also, it's important to note that nonconsensual somnophilia is not only abusive and harmful--it's illegal.

How is Consensual Somnophilia Different From Sleepy Sex?

An example of sleepy sex occurs when partners are relaxed and cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning and the cuddling turns sexual.  

This might involve any type of consensual sexual activity--sexual intercourse/penetrative sex, oral sex or any other sexual activity.

It's important to note: If your partner falls asleep during sleepy sex and you don't have consent to continue having sex, you must stop because now you're in nonconsensual territory which, as previously mentioned, is abusive, harmful and illegal.

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia does not involve sleepiness--it's actual sleep.  This is why consent by both people involved is so important because each person is consenting beforehand to have sex while they're asleep.

Usually consensual somnophilia involves sexual partners who already know each other well and trust one another. That means there's already an understanding of each person's sexual boundaries.

This type of consent is more of a blanket consent.  

For example, the receiving/submissive partner might say, "I really love when you initiate sex when I'm asleep. It makes me feel so sexually desirable. I trust you and give you permission to do it without having to ask me each time." 

Even with a blanket consent, there might be exceptions that the partners negotiate together. 

For instance, the partners might agree that if they had an argument before going to sleep or one or both of them is sick, these situations would be exceptions to the blanket consent.

Many people assume that consensual somnophilia in heterosexual relationships always involves a man in the dominant role who is initiating sex with a female partner who is in the submissive role. 

But this isn't always the case: Sometimes it involves a woman in the dominant role who can initiate sex with a sleeping male partner.  Or the partners can switch roles at various times.

The roles can also vary in LGBTQ relationships depending upon the preferences of the partners involved--just like it would with any kind or sex--kinky or conventional sex.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Consensual Somnophilia

If you have an interest in this kink, you can't just assume your partner will like it too.  

This is why it's so important to talk to your partner about it so you know if there is enthusiastic consent (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

If you're the one who wants to try this kink, before you talk to your partner, think about what turns you on about it.  

For some people, who enjoy being in the dominant role, it's the idea of taking control during sex. For others, who like being in the submissive/receiving role, it's the feeling of being sexually desired by their partner.

If you and your partner are both into this kink, that's great and you can explore it.

But if your partner doesn't understand why you're interested in it, it's important for you to help them understand why it turns you on.

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Sometimes after a reluctant partner understands why it's such a turn-on for you, they get turned on and become enthusiastic about it (or at least willing to try it).  

This can be especially true if it's an expansion of your sexual script (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Script).

But if your partner isn't interested in consensual somnophilia, don't try to pressure them into doing it (see my article: How is Pressuring Your Partner Different From Consensual Sex?).

Instead of pressuring your partner, you need to graciously accept that this kink won't be part of what you do, but maybe your partner would be willing to talk about it as a sexual fantasy without actually engaging in this kink.  If not, find other pleasurably sexual activities that you can both enjoy.

Under all of these circumstances, communication is key to having a fulfilling sex life.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults or couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Kind of Issues Are Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What is BDSM Aftercare?

In my prior articles, I explored sub-dom roles in BDSM relationships:  

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? 

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?  

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the importance of BDSM Aftercare.

What is a Sub Drop?

BDSM activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally tiring.  So, it's important for you and your partner to engage in aftercare.

BDSM Aftercare

BDSM aftercare is the time you and your partner spend taking care of each other after you role play or engage in other kinky sex.

Some people compare BDSM activities to a vigorous athletic workout.  

A sub drop is an emotional and physical low that can begin anywhere from a few hours, days or weeks after the emotional/endorphin high following BDSM activity. It can last hours or weeks.

The term sub drop comes from the kink community.  It's usually associated with the sub (or submissive) in a sub-dom (submissive-dominant) dynamic.  But a dom can also experience a sub drop.  

Some people can engage in BDSM and never experience a sub drop.  Then, for some unknown reason, out of the blue, they can experience a sub drop after an intense BDSM play session.

What is the Connection Between a Sub Drop and Subspace?

To understand a sub drop, you need to understand the chemical reactions that occur during an BDSM scene, including intense endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins produce euphoria and adrenaline keeps you going during an BDSM scene.

After a BDSM scene is over, the chemicals can drop quickly.  Then, the experience can feel painful and embarrassing.  

Each person can experience a sub drop differently.  

Sub drop symptoms can include (but are not limited to): 

• Depression 
• Fatigue
• Irritability 
• Anxiety
• Feeling dazed

This is why BDSM aftercare is so important.

How to Prevent or Mitigate a Sub Drop

Sometimes a sub drop can be prevented with aftercare, but not always.  

When a sub drop cannot be prevented, aftercare is important to help mitigate its effect.

What is BDSM Aftercare?

There are two different types of aftercare: physical and emotional.

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Physical aftercare can include:

• Removing restraints or a blindfold
• Getting your partner something to eat and drink (blood sugar levels can drop during a sub drop)
• Providing warm clothing or a blanket
• Kissing and hugging your partner
• Providing affection in a quiet and peaceful environment
• Giving your partner a massage

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Discussing the BDSM scene to understand each other's needs
• Reminding and reassuring your partner there was nothing shameful about the scene
• Checking in with your partner a few days or more after because, as previously mentioned, a sub drop can last hours, days or weeks

Aftercare is something that both people need--whether they were in the role of the sub or the dom.  The dom's physical exertion during BDSM can produce a sub drop so, similar to the sub, they need aftercare right after the scene and possibly up to weeks after.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to provide aftercare.  It all depends on what each person needs.  That's why it's important to be open and attentive with each other and communicate your needs.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy about sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples who are having sexual problems find that attending therapy with a skilled sex therapist is helpful (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples on all aspects of their sex life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In my two prior articles, I provided information for beginners about sub-dom relationships (see my articles: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships? and What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

This article is for couples in stable relationships who are curious about exploring BDSM sub-dom dynamics.

Are BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships Healthy?

Many people who are unfamiliar with BDSM sub-dom relationships question whether these relationships are healthy.

The answer is: Like many relationship dynamics, it depends.

If you're new to sub-dom relationships, it's important that you choose someone you know well--someone you trust.  

In addition, whatever type of sub-dom relationship you enter into, it should be done with full awareness, consent and a written agreement that you negotiate together. 

Many people seek help from a kink-allied sex therapist when they are working on their agreement (see my prior article about the different types of sub-dom relationships.

If you don't know the other person to be trustworthy and reliable and you don't work out an agreement, a BDSM sub-dom relationship with the wrong person can be unhealthy.  

An unhealthy sub-dom relationship can be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive due to the power dynamics involved. Also, due to their nature of wanting to please, a sub can be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous dom.  

In addition to knowing the other person well, it's also important to look for signs of narcissism in a dom and an overly dependent personality in a sub because this could lead to a hurtful codependent relationship.

Along with trust, the other important components of a sub-dom relationship are honesty, reliability, open communication and caring--even if it's mostly a sexual relationship.

Each person needs to ask themselves if they're in a place in their lives where they can take on the responsibilities of being in a sub-dom relatonship. And, if they're not, it's best to decline.

Although the unhealthy dynamics mentioned above can occur in any relationship, people are more emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable in BDSM sub-dom relationships, so extra caution is needed.

Are You Curious About Exploring a BDSM Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming the precautions mentioned above are taken, many people who are curious about sub-dom relationships start by exploring sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Exploring fantasies before enacting sub-dom role plays allows a couple to imagine together what they might each like or dislike.  

An important component of exploring these sexual fantasies is that both people agree that this is part of an exploration which won't necessarily get enacted during this exploratory phase unless both people consent to it enthusiastically (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming that both people are open to it, exploring sub-dom role play fantasies are usually low risk activities as long as both people agree in advance that they won't be critical of the other person's fantasy.  

This doesn't mean that if one person is uncomfortable with a fantasy that they have to continue to explore it.  It just means that if they're not into it, they can say so respectfully and without being critical or judgmental about it (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

If you're the person who has a sexual fantasy that your partner isn't into to, it's important that you don't pressure your partner into exploring it.  What each person likes sexually, even in fantasies, is unique.  So, don't take their dislike of your fantasy as a personal rejection.  Be kind, generous and compromise by trying to find a sexual fantasy that both of you can enjoy.

Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship

Assuming you have both taken the necessary precautions and have worked out a written agreement that is mutually consented to, here are some tips to explore the sub-dom dynamic:

• Develop Excellent Communication: If you don't have good communication now, it's important to work on this aspect of your relationship first before you explore sub-dom relationships.  Each of you must feel free to communicate what you're experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally as well as listening attentively to your partner.  Communication is important at each step of the way--before, during and after the sub-dom role play.

• Don't Be Judgmental: As previously mentioned, as part of good communication and a healthy relationship, it's important that you don't shame your partner for having particular likes or dislikes. Likewise, be clear with your partner about what you like or dislike.  

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Learn to Compromise

• Learn to Compromise: You and your partner might not be into exactly the same thing with regard to sub-dom role playing, so take the time to find a mutually satisfying sexual activity that you can both enjoy.  This takes maturity, caring and a willingness to pay attention to what your partner is feeling as well as communicating what you're experiencing.  Also, remember that even if you explored mutually satisfying sub-dom sexual fantasies, when you attempt to enact them, they don't always work out the way you think they will.  So, be willing to make changes or to drop it altogether if either of you is uncomfortable.

• Use a Safe Word: Although the two of you might have worked out an agreement, one or both of you might discover that the activity might not be for you.  So, it's important to have a neutral safe word that each of you agree means that everything stops when one of you uses the safe word.  It's also important to use a neutral safe word to distinguish it from things either of you might say as part of the role play.  So whereas "Oh, stop!" can be misinterpreted as expressing pleasure, using a neutral safe word like "Pineapple" or "Red light" is clearer.

• Never Do Anything You Don't Feel Safe Doing: Some people are too shy or ashamed to say there's something they don't like. They might fear being judged or they might have a people-pleasing personality so they want to go along with whatever their partner wants.  If that's you, be aware of it and don't just go along.  If you're not sure, use your safe word to stop the activity so you can both talk.

• Learn to Have Fun: Sub-dom role plays are meant to be fun and pleasurable. An attitude of playfulness is important.  As long as you both agreed beforehand about what you will or won't do, you don't have to overthink it or approach it in an overly serious way.

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Practice BDSM Aftercare

• Practice BDSM Aftercare: After you and your partner end the role play, take time to recover together. Some BDSM sexual activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally taxing, so it's important to relax and comfort each other in ways that are meaningful to each of you.

Next Article

BDSM Aftercare is such an important part of sub-dom relationships that I'll focus on it in my next article.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or touching during therapy sessions (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you are having sexual problems as an individual adult or a couple, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled sex therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive kink-allied therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

I began a discussion about sub-dom relationships in my prior article, BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?.

BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships

I'm continuing this discussion by defining the different types of sub-dom relationships and providing a clinical vignette to illustrate one of the types, the Master/Servant relationship.

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

The following sub-dom relationships are among the most common:

• Training Relationships:  The dom trains the sub on how to be a sub.  The dom is like a trainer or teacher.  The dom acts as a guide or leader, and the sub can take on certain roles such as pleaser, brat, tester, baby or servant (to name a few). The dom must be trusthworthy, caring, consistent, available and reliable. When neither person has any experience with these types of relationships, they can hire an experienced BDSM practitioner to train them.

• Master/Servant: The focus in this relationship is for the servant to provide service to the dom, including taking care of the dom's clothes and other sexual and non-sexual acts of service.  The servant takes pleasure in doing things for the Master and the Master enjoys the control and having the sub do things done for them. With regard to sexual acts of service, the servant often feels free of guilt and shame about wanting kinky sex because the Master gives permission.

• Sub-Dom Bondage Style: This relationship focuses on creating bondage harnesses or suspension scenarios. This requires a lot of trust between the sub and dom as well as considerable skill.  

• Caregiver/little or Age Play: The dom acts as an older caregiver (mother, father, caregiver, aunt, nanny or other authoritative person).  The sub can act like an infant, a young child or a teenager. Caregiver activities include nurturing (like bathing, hair brushing) or punishment (like spanking). The sub gets to feel taken care of by the dom.

• 24/7 Relationships: The individuals enter into an ongoing permanent sub-dom relationship, which can be renegotiated.  The sub-dom role is usually fixed and there's usually no switching of roles.

Female-Led Sub-Domme Relationships

• Female-Led Relationships (FLR): Traditionally, this is an ongoing BDSM relationship where in heterosexual relationships the woman is dominant and the man is submissive (this dynamic can also occur between lesbians, bisexual or trans women). The woman, also called the femme, is the decisionmaker over the sub.  The decisionmaking can involve anything from telling the sub what clothing to wear to managing the sub's finances.

• Keyholders: This relationship is associated with chastity play. The sub agrees to allow the dom to tell them when they can touch themselves, have an orgasm and so on.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite to protect confidentiality, is one example of a sub-dom dynamic in a Master-Servant relationship:

Nina and Ted

Five years into their marriage, Nina and Ted became curious about exploring a Master-Servant relationship, so they took a BDSM sub-dom workshop.

Although they had a very good sexual relationship, they wanted to spice up their sex script by exploring BDSM.  After learning about the different types of sub-dom relationships, they decided to try the Master-Servant dynamic where Ted was the dom (the Master) and Nina was the sub (the Servant).

Throughout their relationship Nina and Ted had developed a loving, trusting relationship, which was key to their developing a healthy Master-Servant relationship.

Whereas Ted had a more dominant personality, Nina tended to be more submissive--although she could be assertive at times and she felt comfortable setting boundaries.

They learned their roles under the private mentorship of a BDSM trainer.  

When it was time to negotiate an agreement between them, they saw a sex therapist who was a kink-allied therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Part of their sub-dom agreement was that this was an exploration of BDSM. They agreed to work out particular power play scenes where Nina provided Ted with acts of service, like laying out his clothes, shining his boots and certain sexual acts they both enjoyed.  They didn't want a 24/7 relationship because this didn't suit either of them mentally or emotionally.

Although both Ted and Nina liked power play and other kinky activities, prior to engaging in a sub-dom dynamic, Nina often felt guilty and ashamed about it afterwards because of her conservative religious upbringing.  So, entering into a scene where Ted, as the Master, was in control of what they did sexually took away Nina's guilt and shame.

They experimented with the sub-dom dynamic privately for six months by adding it to their sexual repertoire a few times a month.  Whenever they engaged in a Master-Servant scenario, they checked in with each other to make sure they were both physically and emotionally comfortable.

In their everyday life, they appeared like any other couple.  They went to dinner, the movies, shopping and attended regular social events. There was nothing in their outward appearance that indicated they engaged privately in sub-dom sexual activities.

Once they became comfortable with their sub-dom relationship, they confided in close friends, who were open minded, supportive and curious.

Nina and Ted were aware that local sex clubs had BDSM sub-dom events, but they preferred to engage in this dynamic privately behind closed doors.

They reassessed their situation a year later and talked about their experiences with their sex therapist.

Nina felt the sub-dom dynamic was a sexual awakening for her.  She discovered sexual aspects of herself that she had been unaware of before, including how sexually turned on she felt when in her role as the sub when she provided Ted with sexual and non-sexual service (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Nina realized that being the sub in a sub-dom relationship helped to open her up sexually and, over time, even when she and Ted weren't doing a role play, she felt freer sexually without the guilt and shame she would normally feel.  So, in that way the BDSM sub-dom relationship was emotionally healing for her.

Ted liked being in the role of the guide and protector with Nina.  He took his responsibility to be attentive to her emotional and sexual needs very seriously before, during and after sex, including in their aftercare activities where they cuddled in each other's arms.

They experimented with switching roles where Nina was the dom and Ted was the sub.  They each found it fun to switch occasionally, but they discovered that Ted was naturally a dom and Nina was naturally a sub so they mostly kept to these roles.

Over time, Nina and Ted continued to explore many aspects of BDSM, including bondage and rope play.  

They discovered that including the sub-dom dynamic as part of their sex script allowed them to be much more emotionally and sexually vulnerable with each other, which brought them closer together (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Consent is Essential

Many people think of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey, when they think of BDSM sub-dom relationships. But even though the movie introduced the concept of a contract/agreement, there was such an imbalance of power between the two main characters that their relationship couldn't be considered consensual.

Taking the time to work out a written agreement can make all the difference in a BDSM sub-dom relationship in the long run (see my article: What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

Conclusion

There are many ways to set up a sub-dom relationship depending upon the needs of the people involved. The vignette above presents only one particular way of doing it.

A Sub-Domme Lesbian Relationship

Although the clinical vignette presented a heterosexual couple, sub-dom relationships are not just for heterosexual relationships.  There are many people in the LGBTQ community who practice BDSM sub-dom relationships.

In addition, couples often switch roles between being the sub or the dom.  It's a matter of preference for each person.

There are now many reputable sites for learning about sub-dom relationships, including Kink Academy.

In my next article, I'll discuss tips for exploring sub-dom relationships: Are You Curious About Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're curious about experimenting with a sub-dom relationship, you could benefit from working with a kink-allied sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or sex between the therapist and client(s).

A skilled kink-allied sex therapist can help you work out a mutually beneficial agreement as well as work on other issues that might come up.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a kink-allied sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.