BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

I've written about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism), kink and fetishes in prior articles (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What is Power Play?).

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

My focus in this article is specifically on the sub-dom (submissive-dominant) relationship which is part of BDSM and kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Although not every sexual role play includes BDSM, role play is usually considered an essential part of BDSM.

What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

A sub-dom relationship is a consensual, eroticized exchange of power. 

The "DS" in BDSM stands for the dom-sub relationship.  The power differential between the sub and the dom is often written as "D/s" where the D is capitalized to reflect dominance and the s is a small letter to reflect the submissive role.

Although there are some people who are in 24/7 sub-dom relationships, most of the time these roles are part of a specific role play or scene that is negotiated and consented to beforehand to reflect the particular boundaries set by the sub and the dom  (see my article: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

In other words, the role play is based on what the sub wants to experience and what the dom wishes to do.

In addition, there is relative equality between the sub and the dom within the consensual boundaries of what has been negotiated between the two individuals.  

Although outwardly it appears that the dom has more power, the sub is the one who is giving over power to the dom, and the sub also has the power to stop the dynamic by using a safe word (a word that both people agree upon beforehand which means that everything stops the moment the sub uses that word).

What is the Role of the Dom?

The sub-dom dynamic is an exchange of power where the sub gives over power to the dom.

The role of the dom in a sub-dom role play is to use the power and control that the sub has consented to in a scene.

A Woman in the Dominant Role is Called a Domme

The dom's most important role is to create a safe and trusting space while being assertive and direct as to how the scene plays out. 

The dominant person can be a man or a woman. When a woman is in the dominant role, the word is spelled "domme."

What is the Role of the Sub?

The role of the sub is to consensually agree to give up control to the dom.  The sub usually feels empowered by giving up control to the dom in an agreed upon scene.

A Sub Feels Empowered By Giving Control to the Dom

In order to give up control and experience this kind of vulnerability, the sub must trust the dom.  This is why it's so important to have clear agreements, including an understanding of the agreed upon limits.

What Are the Different Types of BDSM Role Play Scenarios?

A sub-dom role play can involve providing service, exhibitionism, bondage, discipline (spanking or impact play), the eroticization of intense sensation (also known as sadism and masochism).  

In general, it can involve whatever the two people agree to in the context of a sub-dom role play.

There are many different possibilities in terms of the different kinds of role plays. It all depends on the interests of the dom and the sub.

Although the possibilities are endless, here are some of the more popular sexual role play scenarios:

• Teacher and student
• Boss and employee
• Master and slave
• Doctor and patient
• Client and stripper
• Photographer and model
• Police officer and motorist
• Handyman and a woman who is at home
• Homeowner and maid

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

There are many different types of sub-dom relationships, including, as mentioned earlier, 24/7 relationships where each person remains in their respective role all the time as part of their relationship.

I'll discuss the various types of sub-dom relationships as well as tips on how to explore sub-dom relationships in upcoming articles on this topic: What Are the Different Types of BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships?

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

People often want to explore sub-dom dynamics, but they don't know how to start.  

Often, guilt, shame and emotional insecurities get in the way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Working with a skilled sex therapist can be helpful (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activities between the therapist and client(s) during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who can help you to explore new sexual dynamics or overcome other sexual issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

I have been exploring topics related to sexuality in my recent articles, including What is Good Sex?, Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes, Overcoming Problems With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal vs Context-Dependent Arousal and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air.  In this article, I'm focusing on destigmatizing sexual fantasies of power and submission in relationships.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

Political Beliefs About Egalitarianism vs Erotic Pleasure

The Women's Movement fought hard to reduce gender inequality.  To their credit, the Women's Movement also brought to light the double standard which criticized women for sexual experimentation while applauding men who roamed sexually, including sexist attitudes of "Boys will be boys"and "That's how men are." 

The Women's Movement showed that these gender differences aren't biologically rooted--they're social constructions which needed to change.  

Books like Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective also served to restore a sense of sexual ownership to women--both legally and psychologically.

In her book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, Dr. Esther Perel posits that, while the contributions of the Women's Movement were undeniably positive, there were also some unintended consequences.  She believes that the emphasis on egalitarianism in sexuality, which purged any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression, is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women.

According to Dr. Perel, while power and control dynamics are problematic in an emotional relationship, these same dynamics, when eroticized, become sexually pleasurable for many couples.

Sexual Dynamics of Power and Submission Have Become More Common

Whereas in the past sexual power and submission were considered fringe behavior, during recent years, these dynamics have become more common and acceptable among consenting adults behind closed doors.

According to a study published in the March 3, 2016 edition of The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.  

The same study revealed that almost 47% of adults would like to participate in some form of nontraditional sexual activity, and 33.9% said they were involved in some form of nontraditional sexual activity in the last year.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

At one point, many mental health practitioners considered sexual power and submission practices to be pathological.  

However, in 2013 the American Psychiatric Association (APA)  destigmatized these sexual practices in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5).  For the first time, the APA made a distinction between consenting adults who engage in these sexual activities and those who force others to engage in these behaviors without consent.

Rather than pathologizing these sexual dynamics, many therapists understand that a couple's political beliefs about equality in their everyday life might be in sharp contrast to what they find sexually pleasurable during erotic play.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

The following examples are a composite of many different heterosexual couples and have no identifying information:

Sue and Dan

During the day, Sue, who owns her own business, makes many important decisions involving staffing, business strategy and the financial aspects of her business.  She is a strong supporter of women's rights and considers herself a feminist.  However, when she and her spouse, Dan, are having sex, she prefers to allow him to be the dominant one and she takes on the role of the submissive.

Two years before, when they first started seeing one another, Sue felt embarrassed at first to tell Dan that she preferred to be dominated in bed.  However, when she finally summoned the courage to tell him, Dan was excited about it.  

To start, they established a "safe word," which they agreed upon. They agreed that when spoken the safe word ensures that the current act stops immediately.  They also negotiated other agreements in terms of informed consent about all their sexual activities.

Dan, who usually deferred to Sue in their everyday life, liked the idea of being dominant in the bedroom.  This power dynamic in their everyday life didn't change.  Like Sue, he had never played with sexual power dynamics in his previous relationships, so this was all new to him.  But both of them soon discovered that it added excitement to their sex life.

Jan and Ed

Ed was a senior partner at a large law firm.  He often worked long hours. He was under a lot of pressure to bring in new business for his firm.  

He and Jan were married for five years.  Early on in their relationship Jan and Ed experimented with their sexual fantasies of power and submission.  

Since Ed had many responsibilities at work, he enjoyed being submissive during sex with Jan.  Jan, who had a more passive personality in her everyday life and in her relationship with Ed, enjoyed being dominant during sex.  It really turned Ed on to allow Jan to be in control sexually, and it made Jan feel empowered in a way she had never felt before.  

Occasionally, just to be playful and to add something new to their sexual activities, they switched roles and Jan was the submissive sexual partner while Ed was dominant.  They were both adventurous and liked to be playful with new roles and exploring new fantasies.

Conclusion

Whereas sexual fantasies about power and submission were pathologized as being "abnormal" in the past, they are now accepted by most contemporary psychotherapists as being a normal part of sex.

It's normal for there to be a difference between how a person might be in their everyday life in terms of gender egalitarianism and what they find erotically exciting.  

As discussed in the examples above, a person who has a dominant personality in his or her everyday life might fantasize and enjoy being submissive sexually and vice versa. Some couples alternate roles between being submissive and dominant.

Trust and informed consent between consenting adults are crucial to sexual dynamics involving power and submission.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.