Sexual Health: What is Arousal Nonconcordance?

This article was updated on September 19, 2026.

Most people do not understand arousal nonconcordance because they never learned about it in sex education. This mismatch between mind and body often causes deep confusion and relationship conflict.

Arousal nonconcordance occurs when the mind and body are out of sync—a common experience that specialized couples therapy can help resolve.

What is Arousal Non-Concordance?

Arousal non-concordance is a mismatch between physical genital responses and mental or emotional feelings of sexual excitement. Your body might react physically without mental desire, or your mind might feel turned on while your body does not react.

Arousal Concordance vs. Non-Concordance

• Arousal Concordance: Emotional, mental, and physical sexual arousal happen at the exact same time and match each other.
• Arousal Nonconcordance:
  One or more of these aspects are out of sync.

Common Examples of Nonconcordance

• Mental Desire without Physical Response: A person feels emotionally turned on or wants sex, but does not experience vaginal lubrication or an erection.
• Physical Response without Mental Desire: A person’s body has a physiological reaction (like lubrication or an erection) from physical stimuli, but they feel no emotional desire or interest in sex.

Physical Arousal is Not Consent

Physical arousal is an automatic nervous system reaction, not a sign of choice.

Verbal Consent Matters: Clear verbal consent is the only true indicator of a person's desire to engage in sexual activity.

Never Assume: Do not assume a physical reaction means your partner wants to have sex. Always ask and rely on your partner's clear words.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Is arousal nonconcordance normal?

Yes. Research shows that arousal non-concordance is a completely normal human experience experienced by both men and women.

Why does my body get wet or hard when I am not turned on?

Genital blood flow and lubrication are reflexive responses to touch, context, or neutral physical stimuli. They do not automatically mean your brain is experiencing emotional desire.

How can couples cope with arousal non-concordance?

• Talk openly about how your body changes with age, stress, or fatigue.
• Use supplemental lubricants without assigning emotional meaning to physical changes.
• Rely on clear verbal communication rather than guessing based on physical signs.

A Case Study in Arousal Non-Concordance: Mary and Bob

The following clinical vignette is a composite of common cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality.

The Relationship Presentation

Mary and Bob sought sex therapy after 23 years of marriage because they were experiencing severe intimacy issues. Bob felt highly discouraged and rejected during sex. Even though Mary would verbally tell him she was in the mood, Bob noticed she was not experiencing natural vaginal lubrication.

The Misunderstanding

Because Bob did not understand how arousal works, he assumed Mary was lying to appease him. He believed that if she were truly turned on, her body would automatically lubricate. As a result:

• Bob stopped initiating sex out of fear of rejection.
• When Mary initiated sex, Bob turned her down because he felt anxious about her lack of physical response.
• Mary felt deeply frustrated because she genuinely loved Bob, found him attractive, and wanted to be intimate. However, because she was postmenopausal, her body naturally produced less lubrication—a common biological shift.
• Mary suggested using store-bought lubricant, but Bob refused, viewing the lubricant as proof that he could no longer turn his wife on.

The Sex Therapy Breakthrough

During our therapy sessions, I introduced the concept of arousal nonconcordance to the couple. Once Bob understood that a lack of physical lubrication did not equal a lack of emotional desire or attraction, his perspective completely shifted.

Realizing this was a normal, common experience relieved his anxiety. Bob accepted the use of supplemental lubrication, the fear of rejection dissolved, and their sexual relationship dramatically improved.

Therapist Takeaway for Couples

Physical signs of arousal (like lubrication or erections) fluctuate due to age, hormones, stress, and medications. Never use physical responses as a test of your partner's love or desire. Instead, rely on their clear verbal communication and keep tools like high-quality lubricants readily available.

Ready to Bridge the Gap Between Your Mind and Body? 

Arousal nonconcordance and intimacy blocks are incredibly common, but you don't have to navigate them alone. Let’s talk about how individual or couples therapy can help you reclaim a fulfilling sex life. 

Take the Next Step Toward Healing and Connection

If you or your partner are struggling with arousal nonconcordance, low desire, or relationship conflict, you do not have to struggle in silence. 

As a certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist in New York City, I provide a compassionate, sex-positive environment to help individuals and couples thrive (visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

• Couples Therapy: Rebuild intimacy, resolve communication breakdowns, and untangle misunderstandings about physical arousal.
• Individual Therapy: Understand your personal sexual accelerators and brakes, heal from sexual anxiety, and feel confident in your body.

📞 Contact Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

• Office Location: Greenwich Village, NYC (10011) and Telehealth available
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• Next Step: I offer a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

 

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Pegging?

Pegging has become a much talked about topic in recent years, but not everyone understands what the term means, so pegging is the focus of this article.

What is Pegging?

Pegging usually refers to a woman wearing a strap on dildo and penetrating a man's anus.

Pegging: A Consensual Act Between a Man and a Woman

Some people believe that pegging violates traditional gender norms because the woman is penetrating the man instead of the man penetrating the woman. However, as long as pegging occurs between consenting adults, there's nothing wrong with it.  

Since pegging goes against the traditional sex script, aside from physical pleasure, pegging can also be experienced as psychologically pleasurable because it breaks social norms (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules By Violating Prohibitions).

Why Do Men Experience Sexual Pleasure During Pegging?

Pegging massages the prostate, which is a walnut sized gland located between a man's penis and recturm. Since the prostate is an erogenous zone, when a dildo massages the prostate, it can be highly pleasurable for men who enjoy pegging.

Why Do Women Experience Sexual Pleasure Pegging a Man?

When a woman straps on a dildo to peg a man, she experiences sexual pleasure because the dildo rubs against her clitoris.

In addition, many women experience psychological pleasure being in the dominant sexual position.

How Do You Get Started With Pegging?

• Talk to Your Partner Beforehand: While many people enjoy pegging, it doesn't appeal to everyone, so make sure you and your partner talk about it before you attempt it.  Just like any other sexual act, you want to make sure you and your partner are both giving enthusiastic consent before you try anything new. If one of you isn't into it, you don't have to do it, but be respectful of each other (see my article: Don't Yuck Your Partner's Yum).  Also, be aware that you and your partner might need to have more than one talk about it before you actually try it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Talk to Your Partner About Pegging Beforehand

• Keep an Open Mind and Don't Get Hung Up on Sexual Stereotypes: In the past, any kind of anal play was considered "gay sex", but just because you and your partner might enjoy pegging doesn't mean that either of you are gay. Pegging isn't about sexual orientation--it's about pleasure.

• Start Small and Use a Lot of Lube: Anal tissue is very delicate, so it's a good idea to start small and use a lot of lube before you use a dildo. You can start with oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and a small finger first. Then, you can gradually work your way up to a small butt plug over time. If there is any pain, stop. You want to avoid tearing.

• Make Sure You're Clean: Before you start any anal play, make sure you wash the anus and anything that will be inserted including fingers, butt plugs and dildos. Also, make sure you cover any sex toys inserted into the anus with a condom. Then wash the toys thoroughly with soap and warm water afterwards.

• Relax Before You Start: If you're trying pegging for the first time, you both might be a little anxious. Try doing some breathing exercises beforehand. The more relaxed you both are, the better the experience is more likely to be.

Relaxing Beforehand

• Talk About It Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk about the experience afterwards, especially if it's the first time for both of you. Talk about what worked and what might not have worked--not just physically but also emotionally. If negative feelings come up, be patient and emotionally supportive of one another.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Does "Old School" Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?

I think many people would agree that a lot of the "old school" dating traditions from our parents' and grandparents' time would be considered outdated today (see my article: The Traditional Flirting Style).

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

But given how difficult it is for people to meet in large cities like New York once they're out of college these days, maybe it's time to revisit some old school dating traditions that were tossed out after dating apps became such a common way of dating (see my article: Dating: Why Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person).

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Are Considered Outdated Now

What's considered outdated is dependent upon your personal perspective, so I have no doubt that some people will disagree that these traditions are outdated, but let's take a look at what they are:

• The Man Always Initiated Contact: Although it's still mostly men who initiate contact, women also initiate contact now as part of heterosexual dating. Most people wouldn't lift an eyebrow if a woman initiated a conversation with a man.  These days women aren't relegated to the sidelines in a passive position waiting for the man to make the first move.  And, in my opinion, this is a good thing for both men and women.

• People Went Out on a Date With a Chaperone: In my grandmother's time, a young woman wouldn't even think of going out with a young man unless they were accompanied by a chaperone or two.  Actually, in my grandmother's time, there would be a bunch of relatives from the woman's family walking right behind the couple. Think of the scene from Godfather II when Michael Corleone and Appolonia Vitelli took a walk in her Sicilian neighborhood with her relatives walking right behind her to keep an eye on things.  The idea was a young woman's reputation was at stake if she was alone with a man.  Most people wouldn't be happy with that tradition today.  

• The Man Always Planned Dates: Some women still prefer men to do all the planning for a date, but I think most women don't want to be in the passive position of going along with whatever the man comes up with for their date. Maybe this made sense in the old days when women were much sheltered at home, they didn't get out much and they went from living in their parents' home to their husband's home.  But women these days move out of their parents' home as soon as they're financially able to do so and they have their own money because they work.  In fact, many women are much better date planners than men, so it's not unusual for women to plan at least some of the dates--if not all.  The downside to this is that, if women end up planning all the couple's social events, they're the ones who carry the mental load for this, which is a complaint many women in relationships have these days. 

• The Man Always Paid the Bill: I think this tradition developed years ago because a lot of women didn't work, so they didn't have money to pay for dates.  They might have had a little "mad money" in case they had to take a cab home, but that was usually the extent of it.  Once again, there are divergent views about this. Some people still think men should always pay.  Other people think the man and woman should split the bill. Others feel the man should pay for the first date and then split the bill after the first date.  Some others think the man and woman should take turns paying if they both earn about the same amount. This can be awkward when the the waiter brings the check on the first date, but most people work it out.  

• Women Always Followed the Man's Lead With Regard to Conversations: In my grandmother's day, women were expected to be demur and polite so they let the man lead the conversation.  Serious conversations about marriage, children and sex were considered mostly out of the question on a first date. At the same time, people didn't have as many options as they do now in terms of the type of relationships (e.g., monogamous vs consensual nonmonogamy and everything in between).  So, there's a lot more to talk in terms of what each person is looking for and no one wants to waste time. It seems that people have done a complete 180 degrees in this area where some people bring a list of 38 questions to go over on the first date, like it's a job interview, which can be overwhelming and not fun for anyone. Most people seem to strike a balance on a first date between small talk and finding out about core values.

• Women Didn't Allow Men to Kiss Them on the First Date: This was a pretty strict rule in my grandmother's time. That's not to say that everyone followed it.  It was understood that the man might try, but the woman was supposed to be the
  sexual gatekeeper".  Today it's a matter of personal choice regarding everything from a kiss at the end of the first date to having sex on the first date.  No woman or man should ever feel obligated, and both men and women are more aware of getting consent first (see my article: How to Make Consent Fun).

Dating Etiquette: Consent is Important and Can Be Fun

• Women Played "Hard to Get" Until a Man Made His Intentions Clear: The idea behind this tactic was that a woman would seem more desirable to a man if she was coy and aloof. This was probably acceptable years ago because it gave women some sense of control in dating situations where men were mostly in control. But this also assumed that the only "bargaining power" a woman had years ago was her "virginity" so she needed to hold back for as long as possible or, at least, until marriage (see my article: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat and Mouse Game?). While the idea of waiting to have sex until after marriage is mostly considered outdated these days, it's a matter of personal choice: Many women still prefer waiting to have sex until they feel comfortable with a man. Others have no problem hooking up on the first date. There's no right or wrong, as far as I'm concerned. The point is that women have more options today than in my grandmother's time. More options can also add more complexity since things aren't as clear cut these days.  It's also true that attraction plus obstacles is exciting even today, as Sex Therapist Dr. Jack Morin stated in his book, The Erotic Mind. So, some obstacles at the beginning can be more sexually alluring. 

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Might Be Good to Bring Back

Once again, in terms of "old school" dating traditions, each person has to decide on their own what's best for them, but here are a few traditions that might be appealing to some people who are fed up with the current dating scene:

• Use Your Phone to Ask For a Date: Texting is okay for brief communication on logistics, but when it comes to asking someone out on a date, there are often miscommunications with texting--no matter how many emojis you use.  Sure, it's convenient, but you can't hear tone and you can't hear a smile in someone's voice.  

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

• Meet People in Person, If Possible: People in their 20s and even early 30s might not remember a time when people met in person once they graduated college because they only have ever experienced dating through dating apps.  It's not that people today never meet in person--they do. But the older you get, the more difficult it is to meet people in person these days. Aside from meeting new people through friends, which becomes harder once you're in your mid-to-late 30s or 40s (once most of your friends are married), most people meet through dating apps which is often a disappointing experience, especially if you live in a big city like New York where the feeling is that someone better is just a swipe away on the app.  It's true there are still private parties, if you're lucky enough to be on private party lists; work situations, if dating colleagues isn't frowned upon at work; and meeting at organized events. But I hear many single people complain that they would much rather meet in person than choosing people based on their dating app profiles, but there aren't as many opportunities as there used to be. So, this seems like a change that could be beneficial.  The people who prefer to meet on apps could still do that and the people who prefer to meet in person would have more in-person opportunities.

• Be Considerate and Respectful: There were always some people who weren't polite when people met in person, but most people developed better social skills. Part of this was probably that they had more practice interacting with people in person instead of in such an impersonal way online.  There hardly ever such a thing as being ghosted or, at least, it wasn't as common as it is today. Again this was probably because the consequences of ignoring people in person was greater, since you would see them again, as compared to the anonymity that dating apps provides.  

• Know You're on a Date as Opposed to Just "Hanging Out": There's something refreshing about someone--whether it's the man or woman--saying they would like to go out on a date instead of being vague and asking the other person to "hang out." It's understandable that sometimes you might not be sure how interested you are in the other person, but that's what dating is about--finding out how interested you are in each other.  There's a risk that you might be rejected if you acknowledge you're attracted to the other person, but it makes things a lot clearer from the beginning rather than each person wondering or misunderstanding the intention of seeing each other.

• Spend as Much Time Finding Out About Your Date as You Do Talking About Yourself: As mentioned previously, men were expected to take the lead conversing in the old days. Since women were expected to be much more demur, they probably said a lot less about themselves.  But these days, it's a good idea not monopolize the conversation with details of your life and to show interest in your date by asking appropriate questions.

• Putting Your Phone Away During the Date: It's rude to have a phone on the table--except if you're expecting an urgent call.  Put your phone away. At the very least, turn it off and put it face down, but off the table is best. This way you can pay attention and remain attuned to your date without getting distracted.  

Dating Etiquette: Turn Off and Put Away Your Phone

Making Personal Choices

The dating world is much more flexible now than it used to be, which also makes it a lot more complex because there aren't explicit rules. 

Even if you just want to date casually, being polite and considerate will usually make things go more smoothly.  

Treating people like you want to be treated is still a good tradition to follow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.