What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

According to social psychologist and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, ravishment fantasies are common (see my articles: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and It's Normal and Common to Have Sexual Fantasies).

Ravishment Fantasies

Based on Dr. Lehmiller's sex research:

• 61% of women fantasize about being ravished (24% of these women fantasize about it often)

• 54% of men fantasize about being ravished (11.5% of these men fantasize about it often)

• 68% of people who identify as nonbinary fantasize about ravishment (31% fantasize about it often)

What Are Ravishment Fantasies?

Since these fantasies are so common, I think it's worthwhile to explore them in the current article.

Ravishment Fantasies

According to Dr. Lehmiller and other sex experts, ravishment fantasies are thoughts about being "forced" to have sex.

It's important to note there's a big difference between wanting to be forced to have sex in reality and fantasizing about it.  These fantasies are not wishes to be sexually assaulted (see my article: Are You Afraid to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Who Tends to Have Fantasies About Being Ravished?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's research, people who have ravishment fantasies tend to:

• Have a very active imagination

• Have an unrestricted sociosexual orientation. They have the ability to see sex and emotion as separate. They can distinguish sexual acts from emotions.

Ravishment Fantasies

• Be sensation-seeking individuals who have a greater need for sexual excitement and thrill seeking

• Have an anxious attachment style and lower self esteem 

• Have more BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, sadism and masochism) fantasies (see my article: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships?)

Sexual Roleplay

Many people who enjoy ravishment fantasies like to engage in forced sexual roleplay with their partner(s) (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Roleplay?).

Sexual roleplay that involves ravishment has the illusion of nonconsent as part of the fantasy, but consent is a crucial part of these roleplays. 

This is often described as consensual nonconsent where individuals act out a pre-agreed upon nonconsensual situation. In other words, even though they are roleplaying a forced sex scene, everything has been agreed to beforehand.

Ravishment and Sexual Roleplay

To engage in roleplay that involves ravishment, it's important to have:

• Communication beforehand about what is and is not acceptable to the individuals involved

• Enthusiastic consent for whatever is agreed to by all participants

• A safeword

• Aftercare
  

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

Many women (and some men), who might never participate in a sexual roleplay or a ravishment fantasy, enjoy reading romance novels or erotica that include ravishment.

Romance Novels and Ravishment Fantasies

These romance novels allow people to experience the sexual excitement and thrill of ravishment vicariously without actively participating themselves.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different likes and dislikes when it comes to sex (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

If you're in a relationship where you and your partner are having problems with intimacy, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a certified sex therapist so you can have a more meaningful and pleasurable sex life (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples in person and online.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Pegging?

Pegging has become a much talked about topic in recent years, but not everyone understands what the term means, so pegging is the focus of this article.

What is Pegging?

Pegging usually refers to a woman wearing a strap on dildo and penetrating a man's anus.

Pegging: A Consensual Act Between a Man and a Woman

Some people believe that pegging violates traditional gender norms because the woman is penetrating the man instead of the man penetrating the woman. However, as long as pegging occurs between consenting adults, there's nothing wrong with it.  

Since pegging goes against the traditional sex script, aside from physical pleasure, pegging can also be experienced as psychologically pleasurable because it breaks social norms (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Breaking the Rules By Violating Prohibitions).

Why Do Men Experience Sexual Pleasure During Pegging?

Pegging massages the prostate, which is a walnut sized gland located between a man's penis and recturm. Since the prostate is an erogenous zone, when a dildo massages the prostate, it can be highly pleasurable for men who enjoy pegging.

Why Do Women Experience Sexual Pleasure Pegging a Man?

When a woman straps on a dildo to peg a man, she experiences sexual pleasure because the dildo rubs against her clitoris.

In addition, many women experience psychological pleasure being in the dominant sexual position.

How Do You Get Started With Pegging?

• Talk to Your Partner Beforehand: While many people enjoy pegging, it doesn't appeal to everyone, so make sure you and your partner talk about it before you attempt it.  Just like any other sexual act, you want to make sure you and your partner are both giving enthusiastic consent before you try anything new. If one of you isn't into it, you don't have to do it, but be respectful of each other (see my article: Don't Yuck Your Partner's Yum).  Also, be aware that you and your partner might need to have more than one talk about it before you actually try it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Talk to Your Partner About Pegging Beforehand

• Keep an Open Mind and Don't Get Hung Up on Sexual Stereotypes: In the past, any kind of anal play was considered "gay sex", but just because you and your partner might enjoy pegging doesn't mean that either of you are gay. Pegging isn't about sexual orientation--it's about pleasure.

• Start Small and Use a Lot of Lube: Anal tissue is very delicate, so it's a good idea to start small and use a lot of lube before you use a dildo. You can start with oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and a small finger first. Then, you can gradually work your way up to a small butt plug over time. If there is any pain, stop. You want to avoid tearing.

• Make Sure You're Clean: Before you start any anal play, make sure you wash the anus and anything that will be inserted including fingers, butt plugs and dildos. Also, make sure you cover any sex toys inserted into the anus with a condom. Then wash the toys thoroughly with soap and warm water afterwards.

• Relax Before You Start: If you're trying pegging for the first time, you both might be a little anxious. Try doing some breathing exercises beforehand. The more relaxed you both are, the better the experience is more likely to be.

Relaxing Beforehand

• Talk About It Afterwards: It's a good idea to talk about the experience afterwards, especially if it's the first time for both of you. Talk about what worked and what might not have worked--not just physically but also emotionally. If negative feelings come up, be patient and emotionally supportive of one another.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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How Does "Old School" Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?

I think many people would agree that a lot of the "old school" dating traditions from our parents' and grandparents' time would be considered outdated today (see my article: The Traditional Flirting Style).

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

But given how difficult it is for people to meet in large cities like New York once they're out of college these days, maybe it's time to revisit some old school dating traditions that were tossed out after dating apps became such a common way of dating (see my article: Dating: Why Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person).

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Are Considered Outdated Now

What's considered outdated is dependent upon your personal perspective, so I have no doubt that some people will disagree that these traditions are outdated, but let's take a look at what they are:

• The Man Always Initiated Contact: Although it's still mostly men who initiate contact, women also initiate contact now as part of heterosexual dating. Most people wouldn't lift an eyebrow if a woman initiated a conversation with a man.  These days women aren't relegated to the sidelines in a passive position waiting for the man to make the first move.  And, in my opinion, this is a good thing for both men and women.

• People Went Out on a Date With a Chaperone: In my grandmother's time, a young woman wouldn't even think of going out with a young man unless they were accompanied by a chaperone or two.  Actually, in my grandmother's time, there would be a bunch of relatives from the woman's family walking right behind the couple. Think of the scene from Godfather II when Michael Corleone and Appolonia Vitelli took a walk in her Sicilian neighborhood with her relatives walking right behind her to keep an eye on things.  The idea was a young woman's reputation was at stake if she was alone with a man.  Most people wouldn't be happy with that tradition today.  

• The Man Always Planned Dates: Some women still prefer men to do all the planning for a date, but I think most women don't want to be in the passive position of going along with whatever the man comes up with for their date. Maybe this made sense in the old days when women were much sheltered at home, they didn't get out much and they went from living in their parents' home to their husband's home.  But women these days move out of their parents' home as soon as they're financially able to do so and they have their own money because they work.  In fact, many women are much better date planners than men, so it's not unusual for women to plan at least some of the dates--if not all.  The downside to this is that, if women end up planning all the couple's social events, they're the ones who carry the mental load for this, which is a complaint many women in relationships have these days. 

• The Man Always Paid the Bill: I think this tradition developed years ago because a lot of women didn't work, so they didn't have money to pay for dates.  They might have had a little "mad money" in case they had to take a cab home, but that was usually the extent of it.  Once again, there are divergent views about this. Some people still think men should always pay.  Other people think the man and woman should split the bill. Others feel the man should pay for the first date and then split the bill after the first date.  Some others think the man and woman should take turns paying if they both earn about the same amount. This can be awkward when the the waiter brings the check on the first date, but most people work it out.  

• Women Always Followed the Man's Lead With Regard to Conversations: In my grandmother's day, women were expected to be demur and polite so they let the man lead the conversation.  Serious conversations about marriage, children and sex were considered mostly out of the question on a first date. At the same time, people didn't have as many options as they do now in terms of the type of relationships (e.g., monogamous vs consensual nonmonogamy and everything in between).  So, there's a lot more to talk in terms of what each person is looking for and no one wants to waste time. It seems that people have done a complete 180 degrees in this area where some people bring a list of 38 questions to go over on the first date, like it's a job interview, which can be overwhelming and not fun for anyone. Most people seem to strike a balance on a first date between small talk and finding out about core values.

• Women Didn't Allow Men to Kiss Them on the First Date: This was a pretty strict rule in my grandmother's time. That's not to say that everyone followed it.  It was understood that the man might try, but the woman was supposed to be the
  sexual gatekeeper".  Today it's a matter of personal choice regarding everything from a kiss at the end of the first date to having sex on the first date.  No woman or man should ever feel obligated, and both men and women are more aware of getting consent first (see my article: How to Make Consent Fun).

Dating Etiquette: Consent is Important and Can Be Fun

• Women Played "Hard to Get" Until a Man Made His Intentions Clear: The idea behind this tactic was that a woman would seem more desirable to a man if she was coy and aloof. This was probably acceptable years ago because it gave women some sense of control in dating situations where men were mostly in control. But this also assumed that the only "bargaining power" a woman had years ago was her "virginity" so she needed to hold back for as long as possible or, at least, until marriage (see my article: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat and Mouse Game?). While the idea of waiting to have sex until after marriage is mostly considered outdated these days, it's a matter of personal choice: Many women still prefer waiting to have sex until they feel comfortable with a man. Others have no problem hooking up on the first date. There's no right or wrong, as far as I'm concerned. The point is that women have more options today than in my grandmother's time. More options can also add more complexity since things aren't as clear cut these days.  It's also true that attraction plus obstacles is exciting even today, as Sex Therapist Dr. Jack Morin stated in his book, The Erotic Mind. So, some obstacles at the beginning can be more sexually alluring. 

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Might Be Good to Bring Back

Once again, in terms of "old school" dating traditions, each person has to decide on their own what's best for them, but here are a few traditions that might be appealing to some people who are fed up with the current dating scene:

• Use Your Phone to Ask For a Date: Texting is okay for brief communication on logistics, but when it comes to asking someone out on a date, there are often miscommunications with texting--no matter how many emojis you use.  Sure, it's convenient, but you can't hear tone and you can't hear a smile in someone's voice.  

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

• Meet People in Person, If Possible: People in their 20s and even early 30s might not remember a time when people met in person once they graduated college because they only have ever experienced dating through dating apps.  It's not that people today never meet in person--they do. But the older you get, the more difficult it is to meet people in person these days. Aside from meeting new people through friends, which becomes harder once you're in your mid-to-late 30s or 40s (once most of your friends are married), most people meet through dating apps which is often a disappointing experience, especially if you live in a big city like New York where the feeling is that someone better is just a swipe away on the app.  It's true there are still private parties, if you're lucky enough to be on private party lists; work situations, if dating colleagues isn't frowned upon at work; and meeting at organized events. But I hear many single people complain that they would much rather meet in person than choosing people based on their dating app profiles, but there aren't as many opportunities as there used to be. So, this seems like a change that could be beneficial.  The people who prefer to meet on apps could still do that and the people who prefer to meet in person would have more in-person opportunities.

• Be Considerate and Respectful: There were always some people who weren't polite when people met in person, but most people developed better social skills. Part of this was probably that they had more practice interacting with people in person instead of in such an impersonal way online.  There hardly ever such a thing as being ghosted or, at least, it wasn't as common as it is today. Again this was probably because the consequences of ignoring people in person was greater, since you would see them again, as compared to the anonymity that dating apps provides.  

• Know You're on a Date as Opposed to Just "Hanging Out": There's something refreshing about someone--whether it's the man or woman--saying they would like to go out on a date instead of being vague and asking the other person to "hang out." It's understandable that sometimes you might not be sure how interested you are in the other person, but that's what dating is about--finding out how interested you are in each other.  There's a risk that you might be rejected if you acknowledge you're attracted to the other person, but it makes things a lot clearer from the beginning rather than each person wondering or misunderstanding the intention of seeing each other.

• Spend as Much Time Finding Out About Your Date as You Do Talking About Yourself: As mentioned previously, men were expected to take the lead conversing in the old days. Since women were expected to be much more demur, they probably said a lot less about themselves.  But these days, it's a good idea not monopolize the conversation with details of your life and to show interest in your date by asking appropriate questions.

• Putting Your Phone Away During the Date: It's rude to have a phone on the table--except if you're expecting an urgent call.  Put your phone away. At the very least, turn it off and put it face down, but off the table is best. This way you can pay attention and remain attuned to your date without getting distracted.  

Dating Etiquette: Turn Off and Put Away Your Phone

Making Personal Choices

The dating world is much more flexible now than it used to be, which also makes it a lot more complex because there aren't explicit rules. 

Even if you just want to date casually, being polite and considerate will usually make things go more smoothly.  

Treating people like you want to be treated is still a good tradition to follow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

I've written about consent and sexual negotiation in previous articles (see my articles: No Means No Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

When I talk to my sex therapy clients about consent and negotiation, some of them tell me that having these talks can be boring, at best, or a libido killer at worst.  But I tell them it doesn't have to be that way.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

In the current article I'm discussing how to make consent and sexual negotiation fun and sexy.

Many of the ideas for this article come from the sex educator and author, Midori, from a podcast she did on the American Sex podcast with Sunny Megatron (Episode 72).

How to Make Sexual Negotiation Fun and Sexy

Consent is essential to sexual encounters with others.  

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

Midori emphasizes that a discussion about the possibility of sex must be an engaged collaboration which she describes as actively participating in the collaboration . This means it's not about one person saying what they want and the other person passively going along.  This applies whether it's about vanilla sex or BDSM or kink.

Contrary to what many people think, sexual negotiation can be fun, playful and flirty rather than deadly serious or boring.

Fun and Sexy Consent and Sexual Negotiation Step-By-Step

Fun and sexy consent and negotiation starts with doing groundwork beforehand. So, you can consider the following steps if it suits your particular situation:

• Clear Your Mind Before Your Talk: Before you talk to your partner, instead of thinking about your to-do list, clear your mind so you're focused on what you want. Put aside thoughts about the laundry, the dishes, your taxes, etc. so you can focus. Being preoccupied with distracting thoughts about other things is a libido killer. A lot of people forget or don't know about clearing their mind beforehand, so they enter into sexual activities being distracted and then they become a spectator instead of being fully immersed in their talk or in their sexual activities. This is called spectatoring (see my article: Are You Distracted Before or During Sex?).

• Think About What You Want Before You Have the Discussion With Your Partner: Each person needs to think about what they actually want before they even have the discussion.  You might not know exactly what you want, but have an idea of what you want that day.  So, for instance, using food as a metaphor, you might know that you have a craving for Asian food and not Italian food that night, but you're not sure what type of Asian food because there's all different types, including Chinese, Japanese, Korean and so on.  But at least you have an idea.  Also, don't make assumptions about your partner. Using the food metaphor: Just because your partner usually wants steak, don't assume they want steak every time because they might want something different that day.

• Consider Your Mood Before Your Discussion With Your Partner: Are you feeling sassy, lazy, sexy or something else? That can make a difference in what you want to do.  Are you in the mood for a night of sexual flow where you each take your time or are you in the mood for a quickie with a burst of passion at the end? Being able to communicate this to your partner helps to improving the sexual experience for both of you.

How to Make Consent and Sexual Negotiation Fun

• Know Your Hard Limits Before the Discussion: While you're having your fun and flirty sexual negotiation with your partner, do you have hard limits? For instance, if you know you have to get up early the next day, you want to let your partner know that, at least for this time, you can't stay up all night.  On another night you might want to have a slow, sensuous, sexy night, but not on this particular night.  And there might be other hard limits, which is why it's important to think about these things beforehand if you think you and your partner might be having sex that night. Or, maybe your neck or back are hurting you so you want to be careful with whatever you do and you communicate this with your partner.

• Use "We" Language During the Sexual Negotiation: Midori stressed this point as part of the engaged collaboration because you might have a partner who is a passive pleaser, so to avoid having your partner (or yourself) just going along, use the collaborative "we" in your talk.  

• Approach Your Partner in a Playful, Flirtatious Way: Assuming it's appropriate for your relationship with your partner, make your discussion fun and flirty.  However, if you know that your partner would not respond well to playfulness and flirtation during your discussion, respect that because it would be a turn-off to them. Similarly, don't be overly-flirtatious if you don't know your partner well. You don't want to come across as creepy. Also, be aware of timing and the way you communicate with them on a verbal and non-verbal level. In addition, it's important to be able to pick up on cues from your partner and if you're not sure, ask them (see my article: How to Flirt).

• Keep an Open Mind, But Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: On the one hand, when your partner is telling you what they want to do, keep an open mind and don't be critical of what they want if you don't want to do it. Criticism is often a libido killer for both people. On the other hand, never feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do.  Unfortunately, some women (and men) feel they must comply with their partner's wishes in order to get their partner to like them. Or they feel obligated to please them. If they suggest something you don't want to do, be tactful in the way you tell them you're not interested in that. If they get offended, this might not be the person for you.

• Remember: If You're Consenting, You're Consenting to an Experience and Not an Outcome: Midori made a good point in the podcast mentioned above that when someone consents to a sexual activity, they're consenting to the experience and not the outcome. There's no way to know beforehand if the outcome of your sexual encounter will be good, bad or indifferent. You're basically consenting to try a sexual activity with a partner. In some cases, you might be trying a particular sexual activity that you have never done before or you've never done with this particular person. So, be clear about this beforehand. 

• Never Pressure Your Partner to Do Anything They Don't Want to Do: Consent isn't about pressuring your partner to do what they don't want to do, so never pressure anyone--not even in a way that you think is subtle and never allow yourself to be pressured (see my article: Pressure is Not Part of Negotiating Consent).

• Discuss Aftercare and What You Want to Happen After Sex: You might not always know everything you want afterwards but, to the extent you know certain things, let your partner know whether or not you want them to stay over and what type of aftercare you want.  Even though aftercare is often associated with BDSM and kink, aftercare is usually important to people who engage in non-kink, vanilla sex too. So, for instance, even if you know you don't want to sleep with your partner after sex, you might know that you like to cuddle afterwards for a little while or talk.  Or, if you know you don't like to cuddle or talk afterwards, let your partner know so there's less of a chance of confusion and disappointment if they have different expectations.

• Pay Attention to Your Own Feelings and Your Partner's Cues Throughout the Sexual Encounter: As previously mentioned, you and your partner might be exploring sexual activities that are new to one or both of you, so pay attention to your internal experience as well as your partner's cues. Even though you both consented to an activity beforehand, either of you can withdraw your consent at any time if the experience becomes uncomfortable. Don't feel obligated to continue if you or your partner are uncomfortable. You can pause to talk or you can stop altogether depending upon what is needed at the time. Make sure you talk about this beforehand to try to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

Conclusion

In recent years, there has been pushback and misconceptions about consent and sexual negotiation. But giving and getting consent and negotiating sexual activities doesn't have to be ruin the mood if you both approach it in a fun and playful way.

On the contrary, you can use the discussion with your partner to spice up your sex life and to build trust and a deeper connection, if you want it, between you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling with a sexual issue, you can get help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

During sex therapy sessions, there is no nudity, physical touch or sexual activity of any kind (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, get help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Kinky Sex: What is Consensual Somnophilia?

Consensual somnophilia is a sexual interest in sex during sleep involving mutual consent (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Consent?).

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia can be a sexual fantasy that is sexually arousing and never gets enacted. Or, it can be actually engaging in consensual sex during sleep as either the person who initiates sex or the person who gets sexual attention while they're asleep.

What is the Connection Between Consensual Somnophilia and BDSM?

According to an October 12, 2021 Psychology Today article by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher and social psychologist, somnophilia can be related to BDSM.  

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (see my article: Are You Curious to Explore BDSM?).

When consensual somnophilia is linked to BDSM, it's related to kinky sex between sexual partners who want to engage in a consensual dominance-submission sexual dynamic (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Sub-Dom Roles?).

Since it's a consensual kink between sexual partners, unlike nonconsensual somnophilia, it does not involve abuse or harm. Also, it's important to note that nonconsensual somnophilia is not only abusive and harmful--it's illegal.

How is Consensual Somnophilia Different From Sleepy Sex?

An example of sleepy sex occurs when partners are relaxed and cuddling in bed on a Sunday morning and the cuddling turns sexual.  

This might involve any type of consensual sexual activity--sexual intercourse/penetrative sex, oral sex or any other sexual activity.

It's important to note: If your partner falls asleep during sleepy sex and you don't have consent to continue having sex, you must stop because now you're in nonconsensual territory which, as previously mentioned, is abusive, harmful and illegal.

Kinky Sex and Consensual Somnophilia

Consensual somnophilia does not involve sleepiness--it's actual sleep.  This is why consent by both people involved is so important because each person is consenting beforehand to have sex while they're asleep.

Usually consensual somnophilia involves sexual partners who already know each other well and trust one another. That means there's already an understanding of each person's sexual boundaries.

This type of consent is more of a blanket consent.  

For example, the receiving/submissive partner might say, "I really love when you initiate sex when I'm asleep. It makes me feel so sexually desirable. I trust you and give you permission to do it without having to ask me each time." 

Even with a blanket consent, there might be exceptions that the partners negotiate together. 

For instance, the partners might agree that if they had an argument before going to sleep or one or both of them is sick, these situations would be exceptions to the blanket consent.

Many people assume that consensual somnophilia in heterosexual relationships always involves a man in the dominant role who is initiating sex with a female partner who is in the submissive role. 

But this isn't always the case: Sometimes it involves a woman in the dominant role who can initiate sex with a sleeping male partner.  Or the partners can switch roles at various times.

The roles can also vary in LGBTQ relationships depending upon the preferences of the partners involved--just like it would with any kind or sex--kinky or conventional sex.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Consensual Somnophilia

If you have an interest in this kink, you can't just assume your partner will like it too.  

This is why it's so important to talk to your partner about it so you know if there is enthusiastic consent (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

If you're the one who wants to try this kink, before you talk to your partner, think about what turns you on about it.  

For some people, who enjoy being in the dominant role, it's the idea of taking control during sex. For others, who like being in the submissive/receiving role, it's the feeling of being sexually desired by their partner.

If you and your partner are both into this kink, that's great and you can explore it.

But if your partner doesn't understand why you're interested in it, it's important for you to help them understand why it turns you on.

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Sometimes after a reluctant partner understands why it's such a turn-on for you, they get turned on and become enthusiastic about it (or at least willing to try it).  

This can be especially true if it's an expansion of your sexual script (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Script).

But if your partner isn't interested in consensual somnophilia, don't try to pressure them into doing it (see my article: How is Pressuring Your Partner Different From Consensual Sex?).

Instead of pressuring your partner, you need to graciously accept that this kink won't be part of what you do, but maybe your partner would be willing to talk about it as a sexual fantasy without actually engaging in this kink.  If not, find other pleasurably sexual activities that you can both enjoy.

Under all of these circumstances, communication is key to having a fulfilling sex life.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults or couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Kind of Issues Are Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.