BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

I've written about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism), kink and fetishes in prior articles (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What is Power Play?).

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

My focus in this article is specifically on the sub-dom (submissive-dominant) relationship which is part of BDSM and kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission).

Although not every sexual role play includes BDSM, role play is usually considered an essential part of BDSM.

What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?

A sub-dom relationship is a consensual, eroticized exchange of power. 

The "DS" in BDSM stands for the dom-sub relationship.  The power differential between the sub and the dom is often written as "D/s" where the D is capitalized to reflect dominance and the s is a small letter to reflect the submissive role.

Although there are some people who are in 24/7 sub-dom relationships, most of the time these roles are part of a specific role play or scene that is negotiated and consented to beforehand to reflect the particular boundaries set by the sub and the dom  (see my article: What You Can Learn From Kink Culture About Consent).

In other words, the role play is based on what the sub wants to experience and what the dom wishes to do.

In addition, there is relative equality between the sub and the dom within the consensual boundaries of what has been negotiated between the two individuals.  

Although outwardly it appears that the dom has more power, the sub is the one who is giving over power to the dom, and the sub also has the power to stop the dynamic by using a safe word (a word that both people agree upon beforehand which means that everything stops the moment the sub uses that word).

What is the Role of the Dom?

The sub-dom dynamic is an exchange of power where the sub gives over power to the dom.

The role of the dom in a sub-dom role play is to use the power and control that the sub has consented to in a scene.

A Woman in the Dominant Role is Called a Domme

The dom's most important role is to create a safe and trusting space while being assertive and direct as to how the scene plays out. 

The dominant person can be a man or a woman. When a woman is in the dominant role, the word is spelled "domme."

What is the Role of the Sub?

The role of the sub is to consensually agree to give up control to the dom.  The sub usually feels empowered by giving up control to the dom in an agreed upon scene.

A Sub Feels Empowered By Giving Control to the Dom

In order to give up control and experience this kind of vulnerability, the sub must trust the dom.  This is why it's so important to have clear agreements, including an understanding of the agreed upon limits.

What Are the Different Types of BDSM Role Play Scenarios?

A sub-dom role play can involve providing service, exhibitionism, bondage, discipline (spanking or impact play), the eroticization of intense sensation (also known as sadism and masochism).  

In general, it can involve whatever the two people agree to in the context of a sub-dom role play.

There are many different possibilities in terms of the different kinds of role plays. It all depends on the interests of the dom and the sub.

Although the possibilities are endless, here are some of the more popular sexual role play scenarios:

• Teacher and student
• Boss and employee
• Master and slave
• Doctor and patient
• Client and stripper
• Photographer and model
• Police officer and motorist
• Handyman and a woman who is at home
• Homeowner and maid

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

There are many different types of sub-dom relationships, including, as mentioned earlier, 24/7 relationships where each person remains in their respective role all the time as part of their relationship.

I'll discuss the various types of sub-dom relationships as well as tips on how to explore sub-dom relationships in upcoming articles on this topic: What Are the Different Types of BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships?

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

People often want to explore sub-dom dynamics, but they don't know how to start.  

Often, guilt, shame and emotional insecurities get in the way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Working with a skilled sex therapist can be helpful (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no nudity, physical exam or sexual activities between the therapist and client(s) during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who can help you to explore new sexual dynamics or overcome other sexual issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.