BD*M: What Does It Mean to Be a Brat?

BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).

One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).

BDSM and Bratting

Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.

An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).

BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum. 

What is Light BDSM?

BDSM activities are on a continuum.

Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:

• Light spanking
• Light restraints/handcuffs
• Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
• Hair pulling
• Role plays

What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?

Some submissives are known as "brats."

Being a brat in BDSM is a particular type of submissive who likes to be playfully defiant, teasing, disobedient, rebellious, cheeky and antagonistic towards their dominant partner--all in the name of fun.

BDSM and Bratting

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."

If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.

BDSM and Bratting

You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.

A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.  

Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.

The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.

Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.  

For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.

What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?

The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:

• Back Talk: This can involve:
• Talking back
• Questioning
• Resisting 
• Refusing
• Teasing or taunting
• Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
• Engaging in other similar bratty behavior

• Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference. 

What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?

Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."

Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.

Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.

The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.

How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way

BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.

BDSM and Bratting: Communication and Consent

If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

At the very least, you want to:

• Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.

• Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM.  You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).

• Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.

Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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How is Sensate Focus Used in Sex Therapy?

Before I discuss how Sensate Focus is used in sex therapy, I want to define what sex therapy is because there are many misconceptions about sex therapy in the general public and even among psychotherapists who don't practice sex therapy.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specific type of psychotherapy for individuals and couples to address sexual problems (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

There is no physical touch, physical exam, sex or nudity during sex therapy sessions.  Everyone in the room remains fully clothed just like they would in any other type of talk therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy addresses physical, emotional and psychological factors that might be getting in the way of sexual fulfillment.

As a sex therapist, I help clients with a variety of sexual problems, including:

• Low Libido/Sexual Arousal/Sexual Desire
  

• Mismatched Sexual Desire Between Individuals in a Relationship

• Sexual Communication

• Sexual Boredom

• Erectile Problems

• Sexual Performance Anxiety
  

• Painful Sex

• Orgasm Problems
  

• Sexual Guilt and Shame
  

• Sexual Self Esteem

• The Sex Script of a Couple

• Sexual Abuse/Trauma

• Age-Related Sexual Problems

• Body Image

• The Unconscious Meaning of Sexual Fantasies

• Kink, BDSM , Eroticized Power Play 

• Transgender Issues

• Consensual Nonmonogamy
  

• Compulsive Use of Pornography or Out of Control Sexual Behavior

As well as other sex-related issues (see my article: What Kinds of Problems Are Addressed in Sex Therapy?).

A sex therapist might refer a client to various other health care practitioners to either rule out or overcome related medical or physical issues that could be part of the problem.  

For instance, if a man is experiencing erectile problems, a sex therapist often refers the client to a medical doctor who specializes in erectile problems to determine if the problem is medical.  Once a medical problem has been ruled out or addressed, a sex therapist can help the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

Another example of a possible referral is if a woman is experiencing pain during intercourse. A sex therapist often refers the client to a gynecologist who specializes in painful sex problems to either rule out or address the problem. Subsequently, a sex therapist can also refer the client to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist while the sex therapist simultaneously helps the client with the emotional or psychological issues involved.

What is Sensate Focus?

Sensate Focus is one component of sex therapy among many.

Sensate Focus is a behavioral technique that was originally developed by Masters and Johnson. 

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

Sensate Focus involves a series of behavioral exercises that a couple does together to help them to enhance their emotional and sexual connection.

The behavioral exercises are done as part of sex therapy homework in the privacy of their home.  They are not done in front of the sex therapist.

When I work with couples who want to improve their emotional and sexual connection, I provide them with psychoeducation about Sensate Focus and how it can be helpful.  Then, I tailor the homework to the needs of the particular clients. 

For instance, if they are in a long term relationship where there has been either infrequent or no sex for a while and they are apprehensive about Sensate Focus, I collaborate with the clients to see where they each feel relatively comfortable to begin.  

I stress to couples that Sensate Focus is a behavioral mindfulness technique and, as such, it's a non-demand exercise. 

The non-demand aspect of Sensate Focus means there is no expectation of sex. 

In fact, the exercise won't go beyond what has been agreed upon in advance by each member of the couple.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

For example, with couples who haven't touched each other in a while, I might ask them to start by setting aside two times between weekly sex therapy sessions where they each take turns touching the other partner's hands for 2-5 minutes without any talking (this is to avoid the possibility of criticism which could make one or both people want to stop).  

During initial Sensate Focus exercises, I usually recommend that the couple is fully clothed when they do their homework assignment and that they do the exercise with lights on. There is no music or anything else that would indicate the expectation of sex.

By starting at a point where both people feel comfortable, Sensate Focus helps to remove stressful aspects of sexual and emotional connection that the couple might be struggling with. In fact, most people find Sensate Focus relaxing.

Sensate Focus is a Component of Sex Therapy

If one of the partners is uncomfortable with how the other partner is touching them, they can show them by lifting the partner's hand and demonstrating how they would like to be touched.

When the couple returns to their next sex therapy session, assuming they did the exercise, they each talk about their individual experience with the exercise.  

If they didn't do the exercise, I facilitate a discussion as to what got in the way of doing it.  Beyond giving reasons that they were busy or tired, this helps the couple to explore and understand unconscious issues involved with why they might have avoided doing the Sensate Focus exercise and how they can overcome these issues.

Overcoming obstacles to Sensate Focus also reinforces the idea that there is mutual responsibility for sexual and emotional connection. 

In other words, it's not the job of any particular person to be "in charge" of the exercises, so I usually recommend that each individual take turns reminding the other partner about the exercise and initiating.  

So, if Person A is the reminder and initiator on Day 1, Person B is the reminder and initiator on Day 2.

From there, I continue to collaborate with the couple on how to proceed to the next step in Sensate Focus. 

Based on the clients' mutual agreement, Sensate Focus progresses to include different types of touch as the exercises progress.  Once again, the exercises are highly individualized for the particular couple.

What is the Foundation of Sensate Focus?

There are several elements that serve as the foundation of Sensate Focus, including:

• Providing sexual information and education to both partners about sexual function and activities

• Establishing mutual responsibility between partners for addressing sexual communication, sexual needs and concerns of each partner

• Helping couples to communicate effectively about sex without guilt or shame

• Being willing to change sexual attitudes that are getting in the way of sexual fulfillment

• Overcoming sexual performance anxiety, including guilt and shame

• Overcoming issues related to sexual roles in the relationship

• Giving behavioral homework assignments for couples to improve their sexual and emotional relationship

When is Sensate Focus Used?

Sensate Focus is used for a variety of sex-related problems, including but not limited to:

• Sexual Arousal Problems

• Sexual Desire Problems

• Erectile Problems, including premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile unpredictability

• Painful Sex

• Sexual Anxiety

• Other Sex-Related Problems

Conclusion

Sensate Focus is a well-researched, effective component of sex therapy.

Sensate Focus helps to enhance emotional and sexual intimacy with behavioral exercises for couples to do privately as part of their homework.

Sensate Focus is beneficial for couples of any age, race, gender or sexual orientation, including heterosexual couples or LGBTQ+ couples.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples.

If you're struggling with sexual issues, you could benefit from working with a skilled sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner?

In a prior article, I explored the differences between a fetish and a kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

Many people are curious about exploring fetishes, but they don't know how to do it or where to start, I'll explore some possibilities about how to start exploring fetishes with your partner in a non-intimidating way and what you can do if your partner isn't into your particular fetish (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

What is a Fetish?

As a recap from my prior article: A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that many people who are into a fetish often need it to get sexually aroused.  

A Common Fetish: Feet

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

See the list below.

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  This is the most common fetish.  For foot fetishes the sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on without even having the fetish.

Common Fetishes: Feet, Fishnet Stockings, High Heels and Gloves

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, like car sex, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Violating Sexual Prohibitions in Public: Car Sex

What Are Some of the Most Common Fetishes?

Just about anything can be eroticized, especially during or around puberty.  Depending upon a person's experience, an object or body part can become sexually charged which can lead to it becoming a fetish.  

Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet - Also known as podophilia is the most common fetish
• Hair
• Navel
• Ears
• Body piercings
• Tattoos
• Latex
• Leather
• Silk
• Vinyl
• Gloves
• Stockings/hosiery
• Shoes
• Boots
• Underwear
• Adult diapers
• Balloons
• Sneezing
• Tickling
• Smell - Including rose petals, gasoline, matches
• Food - Including ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and so on
• Sex in public (e.g., car sex on a dark street or sex in a park)
• Cuckolding
  
• Threesomes
  
• Power and Submission
  

How to Explore a Fetish With Your Partner

At one time, fetishes were considered psychologically unhealthy. However, fetishes are no longer considered unhealthy unless they are a significant interference in your life (e.g., causing problems for you at work because you're so fixated on your fetish that you're not doing your work because you're watch porn at work).  

Talking to a partner about a fetish you would like to incorporate in your sex life together can be anxiety provoking if you don't know how your partner will react or you anticipate your partner won't react well. So, it might be helpful to do the following:

• Go Slowly, Communicate and Be Patient: If you're not comfortable talking to your partner about your fetish because you're not sure how they would respond, you can start by talking about a sexual fantasy involving your fetish to see how they respond.  If your partner is inexperienced with fetishes, you can explain why your particular fetish turns you on sexually and see if they're interested. Keep the discussion light and fun.

• Offer Your Partner More Information: You can provide your partner with more information about your fetish through Kink Academy which has articles and videos about fetishes and kinks.  You can also provide your partner with any one of the many books that are written about fetishes depending upon your particular fetish.  There are also many podcasts that explore relationships and fetishes, including the Sexology podcast with Dr. Moali.  In particular, she hosted an episode specifically about fetishes.

• Consider Starting With a Role Play: Assuming your partner enthusiastically consents to exploring your fetish or is, at least, curious, you could start with a role play where you each become different characters (even if all you do is change your names).  By getting creative and using your imagination, doing a role play can feel safer and easier because you're both pretending to be someone else instead of being yourselves. Remember that it might not go so smoothly if this is the first time you're trying it, so be patient.

• Have a Safe Word: Be prepared that either you or your partner can stop what. you're doing at any point once the safe word has been used.

A Role Play With Leather Fetish

• Talk About It Afterwards: Talk about what you both liked, what you might not have liked, and what each of you might want to do differently if you try it again another time (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings: If your partner enjoys the fetish as much as you do, that's great. But if your partner isn't into it, be respectful of your partner's feelings and choice because fetishes are particular to each person, so they might not like what you like.

• Try to Be Open to Their Fetish: If your partner has a particular fetish they like or they would like to explore, try to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that anyone should do anything they're not comfortable doing. But if you're curious about it, be generous with your partner.

What If Your Partner Isn't Interested in Even Exploring Your Fetish?

Everyone has their own particular interests when it comes to sex, kink and fetishes so don't be surprised if your partner isn't open to exploring your fetish.  Hopefully, your partner is respectful enough not to be critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Talking About Fetishes With Your Partner

But if your partner isn't at all interested in incorporating your fetish into your sexual activities together, remember that all sex must be consensual. So, don't get angry with them, don't reject them or try to pressure them into it.  This will only backfire and can ruin your relationship.  

If everything else is going well in your relationship, chances are your partner's refusal to participate isn't a rejection of you--it's probably a personal choice about the fetish--not about you.  It's important not to take their refusal as a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection in Your Relationship).  This is also another reason why it's important for the two of you to talk openly about sex.

• Talk to Your Partner About the Possibility of Exploring a Fetish-Related Fantasy: If your partner is open to engaging with the fetish, find out if they would be willing to talk about the fetish (without actually using actually the fetish) in terms of a fantasy--one that you won't actually act out.  Talking about the fantasy might be enough of a sexual turn-on for you.  

• Explore Your Fetish on Your Own By Yourself: If your partner isn't interested in your fetish, you might be able explore it by yourself without your partner--depending upon what it is.  For instance, if you like the feel and smell of leather, you can find many ways to enjoy wearing leather, including wearing leather gloves, a leather jacket, leather pants, and so on. You can also use your imagination to fantasize about an attractive person who is wearing leather in whatever situation you find sexually appealing in a fantasy.

• Explore Your Fetish Through a Community: Before you find a kink and fetish community that appeals to you, talk to your partner first. Some people, who aren't into particular fetishes or kinks, are comfortable with consenting for their partner to explore their fetish with others. But some partners definitely are not. It's important for you to be completely honest and transparent with your partner in an open discussion about what you might want to do with others and get their approval or you can ruin your relationship.  If your partner has no problems with your finding a fetish/kink community, you can find either online or in-person alternatives.

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different sexual interests.  If you and your partner can't agree about what to do about your particular fetish and it's having a negative impact on your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons.  Make sure that when you call a sex therapist for a consultation who works with the topics of kinks and fetishes (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is familiar with your issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City sex positive psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: What is BDSM Aftercare?

In my prior articles, I explored sub-dom roles in BDSM relationships:  

BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? 

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?  

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the importance of BDSM Aftercare.

What is a Sub Drop?

BDSM activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally tiring.  So, it's important for you and your partner to engage in aftercare.

BDSM Aftercare

BDSM aftercare is the time you and your partner spend taking care of each other after you role play or engage in other kinky sex.

Some people compare BDSM activities to a vigorous athletic workout.  

A sub drop is an emotional and physical low that can begin anywhere from a few hours, days or weeks after the emotional/endorphin high following BDSM activity. It can last hours or weeks.

The term sub drop comes from the kink community.  It's usually associated with the sub (or submissive) in a sub-dom (submissive-dominant) dynamic.  But a dom can also experience a sub drop.  

Some people can engage in BDSM and never experience a sub drop.  Then, for some unknown reason, out of the blue, they can experience a sub drop after an intense BDSM play session.

What is the Connection Between a Sub Drop and Subspace?

To understand a sub drop, you need to understand the chemical reactions that occur during an BDSM scene, including intense endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins produce euphoria and adrenaline keeps you going during an BDSM scene.

After a BDSM scene is over, the chemicals can drop quickly.  Then, the experience can feel painful and embarrassing.  

Each person can experience a sub drop differently.  

Sub drop symptoms can include (but are not limited to): 

• Depression 
• Fatigue
• Irritability 
• Anxiety
• Feeling dazed

This is why BDSM aftercare is so important.

How to Prevent or Mitigate a Sub Drop

Sometimes a sub drop can be prevented with aftercare, but not always.  

When a sub drop cannot be prevented, aftercare is important to help mitigate its effect.

What is BDSM Aftercare?

There are two different types of aftercare: physical and emotional.

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Physical aftercare can include:

• Removing restraints or a blindfold
• Getting your partner something to eat and drink (blood sugar levels can drop during a sub drop)
• Providing warm clothing or a blanket
• Kissing and hugging your partner
• Providing affection in a quiet and peaceful environment
• Giving your partner a massage

BDSM Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Emotional aftercare can include:

• Discussing the BDSM scene to understand each other's needs
• Reminding and reassuring your partner there was nothing shameful about the scene
• Checking in with your partner a few days or more after because, as previously mentioned, a sub drop can last hours, days or weeks

Aftercare is something that both people need--whether they were in the role of the sub or the dom.  The dom's physical exertion during BDSM can produce a sub drop so, similar to the sub, they need aftercare right after the scene and possibly up to weeks after.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to provide aftercare.  It all depends on what each person needs.  That's why it's important to be open and attentive with each other and communicate your needs.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is talk therapy about sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples who are having sexual problems find that attending therapy with a skilled sex therapist is helpful (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples on all aspects of their sex life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

BDSM and Kink: Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

In my two prior articles, I provided information for beginners about sub-dom relationships (see my articles: BDSM and Kink: What Are Sub-Dom Relationships? and What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

This article is for couples in stable relationships who are curious about exploring BDSM sub-dom dynamics.

Are BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships Healthy?

Many people who are unfamiliar with BDSM sub-dom relationships question whether these relationships are healthy.

The answer is: Like many relationship dynamics, it depends.

If you're new to sub-dom relationships, it's important that you choose someone you know well--someone you trust.  

In addition, whatever type of sub-dom relationship you enter into, it should be done with full awareness, consent and a written agreement that you negotiate together. 

Many people seek help from a kink-allied sex therapist when they are working on their agreement (see my prior article about the different types of sub-dom relationships.

If you don't know the other person to be trustworthy and reliable and you don't work out an agreement, a BDSM sub-dom relationship with the wrong person can be unhealthy.  

An unhealthy sub-dom relationship can be physically, emotionally and mentally abusive due to the power dynamics involved. Also, due to their nature of wanting to please, a sub can be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous dom.  

In addition to knowing the other person well, it's also important to look for signs of narcissism in a dom and an overly dependent personality in a sub because this could lead to a hurtful codependent relationship.

Along with trust, the other important components of a sub-dom relationship are honesty, reliability, open communication and caring--even if it's mostly a sexual relationship.

Each person needs to ask themselves if they're in a place in their lives where they can take on the responsibilities of being in a sub-dom relatonship. And, if they're not, it's best to decline.

Although the unhealthy dynamics mentioned above can occur in any relationship, people are more emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable in BDSM sub-dom relationships, so extra caution is needed.

Are You Curious About Exploring a BDSM Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming the precautions mentioned above are taken, many people who are curious about sub-dom relationships start by exploring sexual fantasies (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Exploring fantasies before enacting sub-dom role plays allows a couple to imagine together what they might each like or dislike.  

An important component of exploring these sexual fantasies is that both people agree that this is part of an exploration which won't necessarily get enacted during this exploratory phase unless both people consent to it enthusiastically (see my article: Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies About Power and Submission).

Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?

Assuming that both people are open to it, exploring sub-dom role play fantasies are usually low risk activities as long as both people agree in advance that they won't be critical of the other person's fantasy.  

This doesn't mean that if one person is uncomfortable with a fantasy that they have to continue to explore it.  It just means that if they're not into it, they can say so respectfully and without being critical or judgmental about it (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

If you're the person who has a sexual fantasy that your partner isn't into to, it's important that you don't pressure your partner into exploring it.  What each person likes sexually, even in fantasies, is unique.  So, don't take their dislike of your fantasy as a personal rejection.  Be kind, generous and compromise by trying to find a sexual fantasy that both of you can enjoy.

Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship

Assuming you have both taken the necessary precautions and have worked out a written agreement that is mutually consented to, here are some tips to explore the sub-dom dynamic:

• Develop Excellent Communication: If you don't have good communication now, it's important to work on this aspect of your relationship first before you explore sub-dom relationships.  Each of you must feel free to communicate what you're experiencing physically, emotionally and mentally as well as listening attentively to your partner.  Communication is important at each step of the way--before, during and after the sub-dom role play.

• Don't Be Judgmental: As previously mentioned, as part of good communication and a healthy relationship, it's important that you don't shame your partner for having particular likes or dislikes. Likewise, be clear with your partner about what you like or dislike.  

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Learn to Compromise

• Learn to Compromise: You and your partner might not be into exactly the same thing with regard to sub-dom role playing, so take the time to find a mutually satisfying sexual activity that you can both enjoy.  This takes maturity, caring and a willingness to pay attention to what your partner is feeling as well as communicating what you're experiencing.  Also, remember that even if you explored mutually satisfying sub-dom sexual fantasies, when you attempt to enact them, they don't always work out the way you think they will.  So, be willing to make changes or to drop it altogether if either of you is uncomfortable.

• Use a Safe Word: Although the two of you might have worked out an agreement, one or both of you might discover that the activity might not be for you.  So, it's important to have a neutral safe word that each of you agree means that everything stops when one of you uses the safe word.  It's also important to use a neutral safe word to distinguish it from things either of you might say as part of the role play.  So whereas "Oh, stop!" can be misinterpreted as expressing pleasure, using a neutral safe word like "Pineapple" or "Red light" is clearer.

• Never Do Anything You Don't Feel Safe Doing: Some people are too shy or ashamed to say there's something they don't like. They might fear being judged or they might have a people-pleasing personality so they want to go along with whatever their partner wants.  If that's you, be aware of it and don't just go along.  If you're not sure, use your safe word to stop the activity so you can both talk.

• Learn to Have Fun: Sub-dom role plays are meant to be fun and pleasurable. An attitude of playfulness is important.  As long as you both agreed beforehand about what you will or won't do, you don't have to overthink it or approach it in an overly serious way.

Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships: Practice BDSM Aftercare

• Practice BDSM Aftercare: After you and your partner end the role play, take time to recover together. Some BDSM sexual activities can be physically, emotionally and mentally taxing, so it's important to relax and comfort each other in ways that are meaningful to each of you.

Next Article

BDSM Aftercare is such an important part of sub-dom relationships that I'll focus on it in my next article.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or touching during therapy sessions (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you are having sexual problems as an individual adult or a couple, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled sex therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive kink-allied therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.