What is a Consensual Voyeurism?

In prior articles I've discussed different types of sexual behavior between consenting adults such as threesomes, group sex and cuckolding, which all involve consensual voyeurism (see my articles: How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome and Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?).

Consensual Voyeurism

What is Consensual Voyeurism?

Let's start by comparing consensual voyeurism to nonconsensual voyeurism to understand the difference.

Nonconsensual voyeurism usually involves one or more people watching unsuspecting adults engaged in sexual behavior.  It could also involve watching an unsuspecting person in a state of undress (e.g., a person who is trying on clothes in a dressing room).

Aside from watching, nonconsensual voyeurism could involve a "Peeping Tom" photographing or videotaping an individual or a couple in their home or in another place where privacy is assumed. In other words, it's without the individual or couple's consent.  This form of voyeurism is illegal in most places.

Consensual or Nonconsensual Voyeurism?

Consensual voyeurism, which is a fetish, is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism because all people involved have consented with consensual voyeurism (see my articles: Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner? and What Are the Rules of Sexual Consent?).

As part of the fetish, some people prefer to be the ones who are watched while they are undressed or engaged in sexual behavior, other people prefer to watch others, and some people like to "switch" between watching and being watched.

How to Practice Consensual Voyeurism in an Ethical and Responsible Way

If you and your partner want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can do it in a responsible and ethical way so that everyone involved is consenting beforehand to what will take place:

• Watching Your Partner Masturbate:  This can be a good way to start if you're new to consensual voyeurism. Assuming your partner shares your interest in this voyeuristic fetish, talk to them beforehand about what feels comfortable and what the boundaries will be.  Many couples incorporate watching each other masturbate as part of their sex script and might not even think of it as voyeuristic.  You can either be with your partner or you can "hide" somewhere, like in a closet or behind a door where you watch through the peephole to add sexual excitement.  In addition, you can spice things up with "dirty talk" and encourage your partner to do certain things that would turn both of you on.

• Role-Playing: This is another sexual activity where it's only you and your partner watching each other. If you both agree to certain sexual fantasies in advance, you can each become sexual characters in whatever type of scenario you would both enjoy.  You're only limited by your imagination. Maybe you pretend to be a stranger who is watching a sexual scene with your partner and someone else and then you enter into the scene (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Sexual Role-Play

• Cuckolding, Threesomes and Group Sex: If you and your partner have agreed in advance to include other people in your sexual scenarios, you can include people who have consented to be part of a specific sex scene.  Be aware that your sexual fantasies about cuckolding, threesomes and group sex might be better than what you experience in reality. This is due, in part, to the fact that at least one person can feel left out if they feel they're not getting enough sexual attention. In a sexual fantasy, an individual often imagines they're the focus of attention, but an actual scene might not turn out this way (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

Play Party or Sex Club

• Attending Play Parties or Sex Clubs: When you attend a sexual play party or a sex club, there is an expectation that there will be sexual scenes that are open to the viewing of others at the party who are not directly involved in the scene. If the play party is organized well, the organizer will usually tell the attendees what to expect so that if they're not interested in a particular fetish or kink, they can avoid observing that scene.  For instance, if a scene will involve BDSM (bondage, discipline or domination, sadism or submission, and masochism) and an attendee would have a problem observing this, they would know this in advance from the organizer. 

Don't Expect Everything to Go Perfectly the First Time

If you and your partner are new to consensual voyeurism, you might want to start with watching each other without a third party (as mentioned above). Even then, don't expect everything to necessarily go as planned (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Before you start, you might think you both have covered everything in terms of boundaries and what you do and don't want to do. But there can be unforeseen circumstances.  For instance, you might think you would enjoy having your partner watch you masturbate, but once you start, you might feel unexpectedly uncomfortable so that you want to stop (see my article: Tips on How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Always make an agreement beforehand that if one or both of you get uncomfortable, you can stop, take a break or do whatever you need to do to make each other comfortable.  

You and your partner can talk about it afterwards to improve your experience for next time--if there is to be a next time.

And don't forget to engage in sexual aftercare where you and your partner hug and hold each other and engage in other soothing care you give to each other.

Conclusion

Consensual voyeurism is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism, as described earlier in this article.

If you and your partner enjoy this type of fetish, consensual voyeurism can be fun and exciting.

Part of the sexual fun and excitement is the feeling that you're violating sexual prohibitions or engaging in something "naughty"--even though both you and your partner have consented to your voyeuristic activity beforehand (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

Consensual voyeurism can also expand your sexual repertoire in a positive way as long as it's done ethically and responsibly by everyone involved.

Also see my article: What is Consensual Exhibitionism?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner?

In a prior article, I explored the differences between a fetish and a kink (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

Many people are curious about exploring fetishes, but they don't know how to do it or where to start, I'll explore some possibilities about how to start exploring fetishes with your partner in a non-intimidating way and what you can do if your partner isn't into your particular fetish (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

What is a Fetish?

As a recap from my prior article: A fetish is similar to a kink, but the important difference is that many people who are into a fetish often need it to get sexually aroused.  

A Common Fetish: Feet

Fetishes include:

• A particular body part
• An object
• A sexual act

See the list below.

For instance, with regard to body parts, some people get sexually aroused by feet.  They are foot fetishists.  This is the most common fetish.  For foot fetishes the sight, smell, taste or touch of feet get them turned on.  

Other people are turned on by other body parts, like breasts, hips, butts, legs, long hair, ears, and navels, to name just a few.  

For some people just fantasizing about their particular fetish is enough to get them sexually turned on without even having the fetish.

Common Fetishes: Feet, Fishnet Stockings, High Heels and Gloves

The fetish can also be an object, like something made of leather (jacket, pants, harness, etc), silk, latex, or vinyl.  It can also include high heels, stockings, underwear or other objects.

A fetish can include engaging in certain sexual acts, like having sex in public, like car sex, where there is a risk of getting caught since this is considered taboo (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Sexual Prohibitions).

Violating Sexual Prohibitions in Public: Car Sex

What Are Some of the Most Common Fetishes?

Just about anything can be eroticized, especially during or around puberty.  Depending upon a person's experience, an object or body part can become sexually charged which can lead to it becoming a fetish.  

Some of the most common fetishes include:

• Feet - Also known as podophilia is the most common fetish
• Hair
• Navel
• Ears
• Body piercings
• Tattoos
• Latex
• Leather
• Silk
• Vinyl
• Gloves
• Stockings/hosiery
• Shoes
• Boots
• Underwear
• Adult diapers
• Balloons
• Sneezing
• Tickling
• Smell - Including rose petals, gasoline, matches
• Food - Including ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream and so on
• Sex in public (e.g., car sex on a dark street or sex in a park)
• Cuckolding
  
• Threesomes
  
• Power and Submission
  

How to Explore a Fetish With Your Partner

At one time, fetishes were considered psychologically unhealthy. However, fetishes are no longer considered unhealthy unless they are a significant interference in your life (e.g., causing problems for you at work because you're so fixated on your fetish that you're not doing your work because you're watch porn at work).  

Talking to a partner about a fetish you would like to incorporate in your sex life together can be anxiety provoking if you don't know how your partner will react or you anticipate your partner won't react well. So, it might be helpful to do the following:

• Go Slowly, Communicate and Be Patient: If you're not comfortable talking to your partner about your fetish because you're not sure how they would respond, you can start by talking about a sexual fantasy involving your fetish to see how they respond.  If your partner is inexperienced with fetishes, you can explain why your particular fetish turns you on sexually and see if they're interested. Keep the discussion light and fun.

• Offer Your Partner More Information: You can provide your partner with more information about your fetish through Kink Academy which has articles and videos about fetishes and kinks.  You can also provide your partner with any one of the many books that are written about fetishes depending upon your particular fetish.  There are also many podcasts that explore relationships and fetishes, including the Sexology podcast with Dr. Moali.  In particular, she hosted an episode specifically about fetishes.

• Consider Starting With a Role Play: Assuming your partner enthusiastically consents to exploring your fetish or is, at least, curious, you could start with a role play where you each become different characters (even if all you do is change your names).  By getting creative and using your imagination, doing a role play can feel safer and easier because you're both pretending to be someone else instead of being yourselves. Remember that it might not go so smoothly if this is the first time you're trying it, so be patient.

• Have a Safe Word: Be prepared that either you or your partner can stop what. you're doing at any point once the safe word has been used.

A Role Play With Leather Fetish

• Talk About It Afterwards: Talk about what you both liked, what you might not have liked, and what each of you might want to do differently if you try it again another time (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings: If your partner enjoys the fetish as much as you do, that's great. But if your partner isn't into it, be respectful of your partner's feelings and choice because fetishes are particular to each person, so they might not like what you like.

• Try to Be Open to Their Fetish: If your partner has a particular fetish they like or they would like to explore, try to keep an open mind. This doesn't mean that anyone should do anything they're not comfortable doing. But if you're curious about it, be generous with your partner.

What If Your Partner Isn't Interested in Even Exploring Your Fetish?

Everyone has their own particular interests when it comes to sex, kink and fetishes so don't be surprised if your partner isn't open to exploring your fetish.  Hopefully, your partner is respectful enough not to be critical (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Talking About Fetishes With Your Partner

But if your partner isn't at all interested in incorporating your fetish into your sexual activities together, remember that all sex must be consensual. So, don't get angry with them, don't reject them or try to pressure them into it.  This will only backfire and can ruin your relationship.  

If everything else is going well in your relationship, chances are your partner's refusal to participate isn't a rejection of you--it's probably a personal choice about the fetish--not about you.  It's important not to take their refusal as a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection in Your Relationship).  This is also another reason why it's important for the two of you to talk openly about sex.

• Talk to Your Partner About the Possibility of Exploring a Fetish-Related Fantasy: If your partner is open to engaging with the fetish, find out if they would be willing to talk about the fetish (without actually using actually the fetish) in terms of a fantasy--one that you won't actually act out.  Talking about the fantasy might be enough of a sexual turn-on for you.  

• Explore Your Fetish on Your Own By Yourself: If your partner isn't interested in your fetish, you might be able explore it by yourself without your partner--depending upon what it is.  For instance, if you like the feel and smell of leather, you can find many ways to enjoy wearing leather, including wearing leather gloves, a leather jacket, leather pants, and so on. You can also use your imagination to fantasize about an attractive person who is wearing leather in whatever situation you find sexually appealing in a fantasy.

• Explore Your Fetish Through a Community: Before you find a kink and fetish community that appeals to you, talk to your partner first. Some people, who aren't into particular fetishes or kinks, are comfortable with consenting for their partner to explore their fetish with others. But some partners definitely are not. It's important for you to be completely honest and transparent with your partner in an open discussion about what you might want to do with others and get their approval or you can ruin your relationship.  If your partner has no problems with your finding a fetish/kink community, you can find either online or in-person alternatives.

• Seek Help in Sex Therapy: It's common for individuals in a relationship to have different sexual interests.  If you and your partner can't agree about what to do about your particular fetish and it's having a negative impact on your relationship, seek help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons.  Make sure that when you call a sex therapist for a consultation who works with the topics of kinks and fetishes (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is familiar with your issues.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City sex positive psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.