What is a Consensual Voyeurism?

In prior articles I've discussed different types of sexual behavior between consenting adults such as threesomes, group sex and cuckolding, which all involve consensual voyeurism (see my articles: How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome and Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding?).

Consensual Voyeurism

What is Consensual Voyeurism?

Let's start by comparing consensual voyeurism to nonconsensual voyeurism to understand the difference.

Nonconsensual voyeurism usually involves one or more people watching unsuspecting adults engaged in sexual behavior.  It could also involve watching an unsuspecting person in a state of undress (e.g., a person who is trying on clothes in a dressing room).

Aside from watching, nonconsensual voyeurism could involve a "Peeping Tom" photographing or videotaping an individual or a couple in their home or in another place where privacy is assumed. In other words, it's without the individual or couple's consent.  This form of voyeurism is illegal in most places.

Consensual or Nonconsensual Voyeurism?

Consensual voyeurism, which is a fetish, is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism because all people involved have consented with consensual voyeurism (see my articles: Are You Curious About Exploring Fetishes With Your Partner? and What Are the Rules of Sexual Consent?).

As part of the fetish, some people prefer to be the ones who are watched while they are undressed or engaged in sexual behavior, other people prefer to watch others, and some people like to "switch" between watching and being watched.

How to Practice Consensual Voyeurism in an Ethical and Responsible Way

If you and your partner want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can do it in a responsible and ethical way so that everyone involved is consenting beforehand to what will take place:

• Watching Your Partner Masturbate:  This can be a good way to start if you're new to consensual voyeurism. Assuming your partner shares your interest in this voyeuristic fetish, talk to them beforehand about what feels comfortable and what the boundaries will be.  Many couples incorporate watching each other masturbate as part of their sex script and might not even think of it as voyeuristic.  You can either be with your partner or you can "hide" somewhere, like in a closet or behind a door where you watch through the peephole to add sexual excitement.  In addition, you can spice things up with "dirty talk" and encourage your partner to do certain things that would turn both of you on.

• Role-Playing: This is another sexual activity where it's only you and your partner watching each other. If you both agree to certain sexual fantasies in advance, you can each become sexual characters in whatever type of scenario you would both enjoy.  You're only limited by your imagination. Maybe you pretend to be a stranger who is watching a sexual scene with your partner and someone else and then you enter into the scene (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

Sexual Role-Play

• Cuckolding, Threesomes and Group Sex: If you and your partner have agreed in advance to include other people in your sexual scenarios, you can include people who have consented to be part of a specific sex scene.  Be aware that your sexual fantasies about cuckolding, threesomes and group sex might be better than what you experience in reality. This is due, in part, to the fact that at least one person can feel left out if they feel they're not getting enough sexual attention. In a sexual fantasy, an individual often imagines they're the focus of attention, but an actual scene might not turn out this way (see my article: Are You Curious About Exploring Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

Play Party or Sex Club

• Attending Play Parties or Sex Clubs: When you attend a sexual play party or a sex club, there is an expectation that there will be sexual scenes that are open to the viewing of others at the party who are not directly involved in the scene. If the play party is organized well, the organizer will usually tell the attendees what to expect so that if they're not interested in a particular fetish or kink, they can avoid observing that scene.  For instance, if a scene will involve BDSM (bondage, discipline or domination, sadism or submission, and masochism) and an attendee would have a problem observing this, they would know this in advance from the organizer. 

Don't Expect Everything to Go Perfectly the First Time

If you and your partner are new to consensual voyeurism, you might want to start with watching each other without a third party (as mentioned above). Even then, don't expect everything to necessarily go as planned (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

Before you start, you might think you both have covered everything in terms of boundaries and what you do and don't want to do. But there can be unforeseen circumstances.  For instance, you might think you would enjoy having your partner watch you masturbate, but once you start, you might feel unexpectedly uncomfortable so that you want to stop (see my article: Tips on How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

Always make an agreement beforehand that if one or both of you get uncomfortable, you can stop, take a break or do whatever you need to do to make each other comfortable.  

You and your partner can talk about it afterwards to improve your experience for next time--if there is to be a next time.

And don't forget to engage in sexual aftercare where you and your partner hug and hold each other and engage in other soothing care you give to each other.

Conclusion

Consensual voyeurism is very different from nonconsensual voyeurism, as described earlier in this article.

If you and your partner enjoy this type of fetish, consensual voyeurism can be fun and exciting.

Part of the sexual fun and excitement is the feeling that you're violating sexual prohibitions or engaging in something "naughty"--even though both you and your partner have consented to your voyeuristic activity beforehand (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules).

Consensual voyeurism can also expand your sexual repertoire in a positive way as long as it's done ethically and responsibly by everyone involved.

Also see my article: What is Consensual Exhibitionism?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?

I'm currently doing a series of articles on kinky sex (see my prior articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What is Cuckolding?).

Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?

• Talk to Your Partner First Before You Try Cuckolding: Dr. Justin Lehmiller, social psychologist and Kinsey sex research fellow, recommends you talk to your partner first before you engage in kinky sex or fetishes. Talking about it beforehand, whether what you want to do is cuckolding, some other type of threesome or any other kinky sexual act, is very important because you can't assume your partner will be into it even if you tried it with them before (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Desires).

• Try Exploring Your Fantasy About Cuckolding: One way to explore cuckolding is to explore it with your partner as a sexual fantasy first. If your partner isn't sure about doing it, exploring it as a fantasy is easier.  If your partner says they aren't into it, don't pressure them.  Like any other sexual act, cuckolding must be enthusiastically consented to by all involved. You don't want your partner to just go along with it but, inwardly, they feel angry and resentful towards you for pressuring them.  That will only backfire and it could destroy your relationship.  Assuming your partner is interested in cuckolding, you'll want to have more than just one talk about it to know exactly what you each want and don't want (see my article: Are You Too Ashamed to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner?).

Talk to Your Partner About Cuckolding Before You Try It

• Choose a Third Party, Also Known as "the Bull," With Care: Picking the third party can be tricky.  On the one hand, you don't want a total stranger because things can go very badly. On the other hand, you don't necessarily want it to be your best friend, your colleague or the neighbor next door because that could create boundary issues in your relationship with that person. Only you and your partner can decide what you both feel comfortable with when you're choosing a third party.

• Be Mindful of Sexual Health and Practice Safe Sex: You want to know about sexual health and safe sex boundaries--your own, your partner's and the third party's as well. It's important for everyone involved to know their status beforehand with regard to STIs (sexually transmitted infections).  It's also imperative that everyone involved practices safe sex.  If the third party is unwilling or unable to practice safe sex, find someone else.  It's not worth getting an STI, which could last a lifetime, for just a few hours of sexual pleasure.

Sexual Health and Safe Sex

• Make Sure You Have Privacy: Do you have complete privacy at home or do you need to go to a hotel or someplace else?  You don't want your children, your parents, your mother-in-law or a neighbor walking in on you while you're having a cuckolding threesome, so make sure you have absolute privacy.

• Decide Where the Cuck Will Be During the Cuckolding Threesome: Know ahead of time if the cuck will be in the room, just outside the room or somewhere else when the partner and the third party are having sex.  Also, be prepared that anyone involved in this threesome might change their mind about this (or other things) once things get started.

• Know the Limits Ahead of Time: Which Sexual Activities Are Acceptable and Unacceptable to Everyone Involved? Know ahead of time what the limits will be for each person involved. In other words, know which sexual activities are completely off the table. This also includes not just the physical aspects of sex but also certain words and phrases. For instance, the third party might feel it's a turn-on to call the cuck a derogatory name, but you or your partner might be turned off by this, so think about it beforehand and communicate about it. Also know what's sexually pleasurable as well as consensual (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

• Know What Your Safe Word Will Be Beforehand and Abide By It: Since cuckolding scenes don't always go the way everyone anticipates, make sure you have a safe word that everyone understands and agrees to beforehand.  When anyone involved says the safe word, everything must stop immediately.  The safe word can be anything as long as everyone agrees to it.  So, let's say the safe word is "red" and one of you--either you, your partner or the third party--are uncomfortable with how things are going, anyone of you can say, "Red!" clearly and everything stops immediately.  At that point, whoever is uncomfortable can talk right there and then about what's making them feel uncomfortable, if they choose to do that. They might want to wait to talk about it later. Or it might be enough to stop whatever was making them uncomfortable and they're able to continue to enjoy sex. If you're not sure what the person who used the safe word needs, ask and make sure you understand. As an added precaution, you might check in with the others from time to time to make sure things are going well--especially for your partner. There might also be instances when any of the people involved might be uncomfortable and not know exactly what's bothering them, so they might not be able to tell you in that moment. Just be patient and compassionate--whether it's you, your significant other or the third party.  

• Plan Ahead of Time: What Happens After Sex? Will the Third Party Stay or Go?: Make sure you and your significant other agree beforehand whether you want the third party to stick around after sex or if you want that person to leave.  Also, make sure you communicate that to the third party beforehand so there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings afterwards. Similarly, if you want the other person to stick around to be part of sexual aftercare, make sure you and your partner agree to this ahead of time and that the other person also wants this.  One of you might change your mind about the other person staying or going after sex is over.  This can happen, so be prepared for it and err on the side of accommodating the person who wants the third person to leave.

• Know This: Cuckolding Won't Fix an Unstable or Unhappy Relationship: Some people engage in consensual nonmonogamy or kink as a way to try to fix an unhappy relationship.  This is a big problem. You need to work through whatever problems you're having in your relationship before you put your relationship at risk by opening it up to consensual nonmonogamy, cuckolding or other forms of kink and fetishes.  In order to practice consensual nonmonogamy, cuckolding, other forms of threesomes or other types of kink, you need to have a stable, healthy relationship or your relationship will be undermined by adding these potential complications.

Kinky Sex Won't Fix an Unstable or Unhappy Relationship

• Be Aware There Might Be Regret and Other Unforeseen Circumstances: Even if you and the other two people involved have a complete understanding of what each person wants, there can be unforeseen circumstances that no one anticipated. It's not unusual for one person involved--whether it's you, your significant other or the other person--to experience regret about engaging in cuckolding during or after sex. Each of you might have imagined that you would experience cuckolding in a certain way, but you didn't.  Any of you might feel ashamed, guilty, jealous, sad, resentful or angry.   If everyone involved knows there could be unexpected consequences, none of you will be completely shocked by it.  That doesn't mean that it won't be an uncomfortable experience, but at least you were all aware of the possibility.

• Be Aware of the Potential For Trauma Triggers For People With a Trauma History: One possibility is that one of you might experience a trauma trigger if there is a history of trauma--whether the trigger involves known or unknown trauma, especially sexual trauma.  One of the worst situations is when someone has a flashback about sexual abuse where there are no conscious memories of it. The trauma trigger can come as fragments of images, sounds or other sensations. Aside from sexual abuse triggers, one of you could get triggered from unresolved abandonment issues or if you have an anxious attachment style.  Whoever experiences the trigger should seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who is a sex therapist and a trauma specialist before the incident turns into a psychological crisis.

• Be Aware of the Potential For Jealousy Before, During or After Cuckolding: It's not unusual for the cuck (or one of the other two people) to feel some degree of jealousy. Jealousy is normal. Developing the ability to experience compersion can help.  Compersion means you experience genuine happiness for another person.  Compersion is a radical concept in consensual nonmonogamous relationships. With regard to kinky sex that includes others, compersion means you experience wholehearted happiness for your partner for the joy they experience having sex with the another person. Compersion isn't an ability that most people develop overnight.  It takes a lot of internal work for most people, and many people never achieve it and that's okay. You and your partner need to know yourselves well enough to know that neither of you will get so jealous and upset that these feelings will ruin your relationship.  So, before you engage in kinky sex with others, each of you should be honest with yourself and each other (see my article: What is Compersion?).

Cuckolding and Other Types of Threesomes Can Bring Up Jealousy

• Practice Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines: Assuming all goes well for everyone, know what you and your partner need aftercare after sex is over. Aftercare plans and reclaiming routines often include some form of cuddling, kissing, hugging, spooning, massaging and talking. It's a time to come together again as a couple. Once again, know your emotional needs and what you'll need in aftercare before you engage in cuckolding.  

Practice Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, that focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

There is no physical exam, nudity or touching (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

Many individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy).

Be aware that most psychotherapists, who aren't sex therapists, get no training for sexual issues, so they might not know how to deal with sexual problems.  

Even couples therapists often have no formal training in sex therapy so they usually refer clients to sex therapists.

You deserve to see a sex therapist who is knowledgeable about your issues and practices in a nonjudgemental way.  

So, if you're having unresolved sexual problems, you could benefit from seeing a modern sex therapist.

With regard to cuckolding, other types of threesomes, fetishes, BDSM and other types of kinky sex, choose a modern sex therapist who works in a nonjudgmental, contemporary way.  

Choosing the right sex therapist can make all the difference when you want to have a fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I am also a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.