Relationships: How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

In my prior post, Coping With Implicit Betrayals, I defined implicit betrayals in relationships and discussed how to cope if you discover an implicit betrayal in your relationship.

I wrote the article about coping with implicit betrayals first because many couples discover there have been implicit betrayals before they even know what that term means and before they have discussed these issues as a couple.

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

In the current post, I'm discussing how to try to prevent implicit betrayals.

While you might not be able to completely avoid this kind of problem in your relationship, you and your partner can try to prevent it by being proactive and taking certain steps.

I suggest you read my prior article if you haven't already to understand what implicit betrayals are, but here's a brief review:

Implicit betrayals includes (but is not limited to) non-obvious violations of trust including:

• Emotional affairs that are hidden from the partner
• Financial infidelity including secret bank accounts, hiding big expenditures, etc.
• Withholding affection, chronic criticism or stonewalling
• Gaslighting
  
• Emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting)
• A conditional commitment to the relationship
• Neglect or selfishness
• Consistent broken promises
• Lying by omission including not being completely honest with your partner
• Online infidelity including romantic or sexual texts with others in chats
• Consistently siding with a third party against your partner (e.g., mother, father, in-law, friend or other family member)

How to Try to Prevent Implicit Betrayals

I use the word try because you can't control their partner.  However, there are things you can do to try to prevent implicit betrayals:

• Don't Rush Into a Relationship: Take it slowly and get to know the other person well including their values and how they define implicit betrayals (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Preventing Implicit Betrayals in Your Relationship

• Practice Clear Proactive Communication: Although you might think your partner and you are both on the same page with regard to implicit betrayals, you might discover that you're not after you discover an implicit betrayal. So, practice clear communication about what you consider implicit betrayals. For instance, if neither you nor your partner mind online romantic or sexual chats with other people, that's not an implicit betrayal. But if you do, you need to be clear and specific about that as well as other forms of implicit betrayals.

• Align Expectations With Reality: Acknowledge your partner for who they are and your relationship for what it is and not how you want things to be. Make sure you're both on the same page with regard to a commitment to the relationship and other issues that are important to you. Don't assume you're in a committed relationship just because you have been seeing each other for a certain amount of time. Talk about how you feel and your partner feels about the status of things between you (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Practice Moderate Vulnerability: While you don't want to be a completely "closed book" during the early stage of a relationship, avoid deep vulnerability until you know your partner well and trust has been earned for each of you.

• Define and Set Personal Boundaries: Have clear communication at the beginning of a relationship about what each of you would consider an implicit betrayal. Be specific. Don't assume that you and your partner feels the same way about it (see my article: How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Manage Your Triggers: If there have been trust issues because you have unresolved trauma from childhood that involved trust violations, learn to manage your triggers. Identify your triggers and learn to manage them. Also, know when you're reacting to the past and not to the present (see my articles: Coping With Triggers and Reacting to Your Present Circumstances Based on Your Traumatic Past).

• Don't Compromise Your Self Respect: Be calm and assertive when your boundaries have been crossed. Keep promises you have made to yourself. Don't allow your partner to disrespect you in order to maintain the relationship (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Practice Self Care: Build your own resilience  so that if a betrayal does occur your sense of self isn't destroyed.

Get Help in Therapy

Some people have problems being clear on what implicit betrayals mean to them because they are either inexperienced with relationships, don't know how to communicate or their boundaries were consistently violated when they were growing up so they have problems separtating the past from the present.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're unclear about what implicit betrayals mean to you, you could benefit from doing your own individual therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can understand and communicate your personal needs and boundaries.

If you and your partner are having difficulty negotiating an agreement about implicit betrayals or other aspects of your relationship, you could benefit from working with a a couples therapist who can help you both to understand and communicate your needs and come to an agreement. 

If you can't come to a mutual agreement, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a conscious, respectful and compassionate way so you can both move on without regrets about how you ended your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting As Emotional and Psychological Abuse

The combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional and psychological abuse (see my article: What is Psychological Manipulation?).

Let's look at each one separately and then we'll look at them together.

What is the Silent Treatment?

It's important to distinguish the silent treatment from someone who communicates they need a break from an argument.  

The Silent Treatment

When someone communicates they need a break, they usually do it because they are feeling overwhelmed or they feel a conflict is getting out of control and both people need a break. The understanding is that this is a temporary break and both sides will come together again in a calmer state to continue talking.

The silent treatment a deliberate and prolonged withdrawal of communication. It's usually used to control and inflict punishment.  

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own thoughts, perceptions and memories (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a control tactic to get someone to doubt their reality so they often become dependent upon the abuser.

    Common tactics or phrases include:

• Denial of Facts: "That never happened" or "I never said that" even when they are confronted with proof

• Trivializing Feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive"

• Diverting/Blocking: "You're just imagining things" or accusing someone of being "crazy"

• Twisting Information: Manipulating events to make the other person feel guilty or at fault

    Signs of Gaslighting:

• Second-Guessing Yourself: You constantly second guess your memories or decisions.

• Confusion, Anxiety, Disorientation: You feel confused, anxious or disoriented.

• Self Doubt: You feel like you can't do anything right.

How Does the Combination of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting Function as Abuse?

• Gaslighted By Silence: When someone uses the silent treatment, they are withholding emotion and connection. If they deny they were cold or indicate that they were "just taking space", despite engaging in a cruel and prolonged shutdown, they are using silence as a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting By Silence

• Creating "Crazy-Making" Doubt: They might ignore the other person after a disagreement and then act as if nothing happened or accuse the other person of overreacting when they try to address their prolonged coldness. This can cause the other person to question their perceptions.

• The Cycle of Punishment and Reward: They use silence to punish the other person as a way to manipulate them into "working" for the resumption of the conversation (e.g., apologizing for something they didn't do).

• Narcissistic Tendencies: People who use the silent treatment and gaslighting tend to have narcissistic tendencies. They often engage in this behavior to avoid taking responsibility.

What is the Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Internalized Blame and Feelings of Inadequacy: The person who is experiencing the silent treatment and gaslighting can feel shame, guilt and a decrease in their sense of self worth.

Self Blame and Doubt

• "Walking on Eggshells": They can develop high anxiety and hypervigilance while monitoring the other person's mood to avoid another episode of the silent treatment.

• Trauma Bonding: The unpredictable cycle of severe disconnection followed by sudden reconnection can create trauma bonds making them increasingly dependent on the other person (see my article: What isTrauma Bonding in a Relationship?.).

• Physical and Neurological Pain: Research indicates that being deliberately ignored activates the same area in the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that processes physical pain.

• Long Term Effects: Prolonged exposure to a combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting can lead to symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including chronic stress, anxiety, depression and confusion.

What Can You Do If You're Experiencing the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Be Aware This is Abuse: By recognizing this behavior as abuse that is meant to control you can help you to reduce self blame.

Setting Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't engage with someone who refuses to communicate openly and effectively (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Document Incidents: Keep a record of these incidents to counteract the effects to gaslighting.

Getting Help in Therapy

• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members and a licensed mental health professional to break the cycle of isolation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Develop Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Emotional safety is an essential part of any relationship.

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

What is Emotional Safety?

Let's start by defining emotional safety.

Emotional safety is an embodied sense that you can be your true self without fear of judgment, rejection or retaliation. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

When you feel safe emotionally, your nervous system is calm. You're not in a state of fear. You feel open and comfortable with yourself and with your partner.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationships and allows you to share your emotional needs.

Emotional safety also allows you to admit your mistakes because you feel respected and valued by your partner.

If you're in a relationship, you feel heard and validated for your feelings. Even when your partner might not feel the same way, they can understand why you feel like you do.

What Are the Key Elements of Emotional Safety?

• Vulnerability: As previously mentioned, you feel secure enough to talk about difficult topics, fears and insecurities without anticipating a negative reaction (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

• Non-judgment: When expressed in a healthy way, your feelings are treated as being understandable as opposed to being "too much" or "wrong".

• Consistency: Being able to predict how your partner will respond helps your nervous system to relax rather than going into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

• Healthy Boundaries: You're able to set healthy boundaries with your partner without your partner making you feel guilty or lashing out.

Why Does Emotional Safety Matter in a Relationship?

When you feel safe in your relationship, you can regulate your emotions and stay emotionally engaged with your partner. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

If you don't have emotional safety, you might feel hypervigilant, anxious or an urge to "walk on eggshells" to avoid conflict with your partner.

How Can You Build Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

To build emotional safety, it's important to:

• Get Curious and Listen: Get curious and listen to your partner to understand rather than to defend or"fix" them (see my article: What is Active Listening?).

• Validate Each Other's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's feelings--even if you don't agree or you don't feel the same way.

• Be Transparent: Make sure your actions match your words to build trust.

• Make Repairs: Own your mistakes in a timely manner and make an effort to reconnect with your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

There are times when one or both partners have problems establishing and maintaining emotional safety due to prior traumatic experiences either as a child or in prior adult relationships (see my article: How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Safe?).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If emotional safety is an issue in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couples therapist experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) can help you and your partner understand both of your unmet attachment needs and change negative dynamics in your relationship that keep you both stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship 

Recognizing When You Feel Unsafe in Interpersonal Relationships

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System?  

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

Anyone who watched the "Friends" episode, "The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break" remembers the problems that resulted from Rachel telling Ross during a heated argument that they should take a break.

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

During their argument, after Rachel suggests they take a break, Ross walks out feeling devastated. Then, he goes out to a club, gets drunk and he gets sexually involved with Chole, the "copy girl."

Soon afterwards, Rachel finds out that Ross slept with Chloe, which leads to another argument about what it means to be "on a break" and whether it meant that Ross and Rachel were broken up or they were temporarily not seeing each other but also not seeing anyone else.

This misunderstanding leads to a breakup because Rachel is hurt, angry and mistrustful of Ross.

What Does It Mean to Be "On a Break" From Your Relationship?

To avoid potential misunderstandings, it's important to be clear on what it means when you say you want a break in the relationship.

Here are some factors to consider:

• Define the Terms: Be clear with each other as to whether you're each taking a "pause" from the relationship in order to fix problems or if the break is actually the beginning stage of a permanent breakup.

• Establish Ground Rules: Be specific: Does it mean a one week break or a one month break or some other time period? Also, be clear as to whether you can each date other people or if other people are off limits.  Does it mean you're going to go no-contact? If not, what type of contact will you have (text? phone calls? etc) and how often. Whatever you both decide, respect the boundaries you have both agree to.  If you don't define the terms together, you're going to have misunderstandings similar to Ross and Rachel on "Friends".

Taking a Break From Your Relationship

• Focus on Self Care and Reflection: Use your time apart to think about your needs, your partner's needs, the relationship issues and whether or not you want to be in this relationship.

• Avoid Manipulation: Do not use the break to gain leverage or make your partner jealous.

• Manage Your Expectations: Be prepared for an outcome that could go either way including the possibility that the break can lead to a permanent separation.

• Don't Use a Temporary Break to Avoid Saying You Want a Permanent End to the Relationship: Many people who don't feel comfortable saying they want to end the relationship tell their partner that they want a temporary break knowing beforehand that they don't plan to reunite with their partner. They're too uncomfortable to talk about their real feelings, so they use the excuse of a temporary break as a way to exit the relationship. Then, they ghost their partners and don't respond when their partners contact them which leaves their partners feeling hurt, angry and betrayed. If you know. you want to end the relationship, say so. It will be a lot less painful for both of you in the long run if you're upfront and honest with yourself and your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you're not sure how to handle being on a break or you're not sure if you even want a break, seek help in couples therapy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to define what you each want from your relationship and, if you choose to stay together, provide you with the tools and strategies to get there. 

If you decide not to stay together, a couples therapist can help you to break up in a way that is caring and respectful.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Build Your Self Esteem

What is Self Esteem?

Before we discuss how to build your self esteem, let's start by defining self esteem.

Building Your Self Esteem

Self esteem includes 

• A sense of self worth and value

• Self respect

• An overall sense of yourself

What Affects Your Self Esteem?

Your self esteem is shaped by many aspects including

• Early childhood experiences 

• Personal relationships and prior experiences

• Thoughts

• Relationships

• Motivation

• Resilience

• Acceptance of imperfections, mistakes and challenges

What Are the Key Aspects of Self Esteem?

• Self evaluation including your subjective thoughts and beliefs ("I am lovable" or "I am capable") and other feelings about yourself

Building Self Esteem

• A foundation of well-being that supports your mental health and relationships

What is the Difference Between Healthy Self Esteem vs Low Self Esteem?

Healthy Self Esteem: 

• You accept your strengths.

• You recognize areas where you need to improve and accept this with self compassion and without judgment.

• You are resilient to constructive criticism.

Low Self Esteem: 

• You experience self doubt.

• You might have a fear of failure. 

• You might engage in people-pleasing. 

• You might engage in negative self talk. 

• Other possible behavioral dynamics

How is Self Esteem Different From Self Confidence?

Self esteem and confidence are related; however, self esteem is your general sense of self worth and self confidence is usually related to certain skills.

For instance, your overall self esteem might be good, but you might feel less confident in your public speaking ability and more confident in your ability to solve problems.

How to Build Your Self Esteem

Building your self esteem includes:

A Healthy Mindset

• Practicing Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you would treat a loved one. 

Building Self Esteem

• Challenge Negative Self Talk: Become aware of your inner critic and reframe negative thoughts into more realistic positive thoughts.

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Focus on your own journey and progress instead of comparing yourself (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others).

• Identify Your Strengths: Write down your strengths and focus on them.

Actions and Habits

• Set Achievable Goals: Start small and celebrate your victories as you build momentum to bigger goals (see my article: Celebrate Your Success).

• Engage in Enjoyable Activities: Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy and you're good at.

Building Self Esteem

• Prioritize Self Care: Get enough sleep, eat nutritious meals, exercise at a pace that's right for you (see my article: Taking Time For Self Care).

• Be Assertive: Recognize the difference between healthy assertiveness and aggression (see my article: What is the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?).

• Learn to set healthy boundaries and ask for what you need without guilt.

• Help Others: Volunteering and engaging in acts of kindness can give you a sense of purpose and meaning.

Relationships

• Choose Supportive People: Choose people who value you and treat you well.

Building Self Esteem

• Limit Negativity: Reduce your exposure to negative influences, including social media.

• Communicate With Trusted Loved Ones: Share your struggles with trusted loved ones to build connection and realize that others often struggle with the same problems.

Deeper Self Esteem

• Clarify Your Values: Understand what values matter to you (e.g., kindness, learning, connection and belonging).

• Take Action: Take steps to build your self esteem rather than waiting for it to happen.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried to build your self esteem and you feel stuck, rather than struggling alone, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome obstacles that are getting in your way.

Get Help in Therapy

Building your self esteem can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

With over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.