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Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).
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| Setting Boundaries |
But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)
Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies
Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no".
If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings.
If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).
Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.
People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.
Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.
Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries
You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.
Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.
As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
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