How to Set Boundaries With Friends If They're Texting You Too Much

There are some people who enjoy texting back and forth with their friends all day long and it's mutually satisfying for all the texters involved.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

But if you're not one of those people who enjoys constant texting and you have a friend who likes to send you lots of texts, rather than letting resentment and emotional distance grow, you can tactfully set a limit with your friend (see my article: Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?).

In a world where people can reach others in a flash by texting, a lot of people find it gratifying to express their thoughts and feelings in texts and enjoy the dopamine hit when their friends text back.

People who have problems understanding boundaries can text all day long without considering whether the person they're texting has the time and emotional bandwidth to deal with a barrage of texts (see my article: Do You Feel Overwhelmed By Your Friend's Problems?).

If you haven't set a limit, you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt that they might not know you don't like a lot of texts and that you don't have the time or emotional bandwidth for it. Therefore, it's up to you to communicate this to them so you take care of your time and mental health.

Why Do Excessive Texts Create Stress and Anxiety?

Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Pressure to Respond (Expectation of Availability): You might feel pressure to respond immediately. This often leads to stress and anxiety when you can't or you don't want to respond immediately.

• Digital Burnout and Overstimulation: Constant notifications can break concentration. The ongoing distraction can lead to mental fatigue.

• Lack of Personal Space: Excessive non-urgent texts throughout the day can feel like an intrusion on your privacy and downtime.

• Anxiety Trigger: A high volume of text messages can induce anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

• Disruption to Workflow and Personal Tasks: Constant interruptions can make it difficult to focus on work or personal tasks.

How to Set Boundaries With a Friend Who Texts Too Much

Here are some suggestions that might be helpful:

• Shift the Focus from Their Behavior to Your Own Needs and Boundaries: First, recognize that you have the right to your feelings as well as the right to set boundaries. If you can't set boundaries with others, you're going to feel frustrated and you'll probably have ongoing interpersonal problems due to the lack of boundaries. Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, you can say, "Having to check texts many times per day makes me feel anxious. I'm trying to check these notifications less."

• Express Appreciation For Their Friendship: Assuming you want to maintain this friendship, express your appreciation for your friend and the things you like about them so that you're not just focusing on something that bothers you about their behavior. 

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Shift Time Spent With Your Friend From Texts to In-Person Visits: Suggest to your friend that you would like to know what's going on in their life, but you would prefer to do it in person. Then, suggest a time when you're free to meet in person. 

• Let Them Know When You're Available: Let your friend know when you're reachable and manage their expectations about when you're free to respond to texts. You can say something like, "I don't have time to check texts throughout the day, so I only check them after work" or "I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to check personal texts." Then, as previously mentioned, you can suggest meeting when you're both free.

Setting Boundaries With Friends About Texting

• Let them Know You're "Unplugging" to Manage Your Stress: Let your friend know that, as part of a new lifestyle change, you're taking time to "unplug" from your phone and computer. You can tell them that, as part of your digital detox, you're cutting back on the time you spend reading email and texts. You can also tell them that if they don't hear from you for a few days, this is the reason.  

• Evaluate the Friendship: If your friend doesn't understand that you don't have the time and emotional bandwidth for a lot of texts in a day, you can evaluate whether the aspects you like about this friend outweigh this problem. If you have communicated your boundaries and they don't respect them, there might be other areas where you'll find they will cross your boundaries. At some point, you'll need to decide whether you want this friend in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego State Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met

Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need.  Needless to say, this often doesn't work.

How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met

If you find yourself struggling to talk about your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:

• Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you.  Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private).  This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

• Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours.  No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

Know Your Sexual Values

• Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences.  Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves.  This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner. 

• Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again.  This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.  But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

Know Your Sexual Boundaries

• Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both).  Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too.  Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Know What Feels Safe to You

• Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs.  When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending. 

• Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertive is speaking from your own experience.  Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).

• Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt: Part 2

In my prior article, Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1, I discussed how anger is part of healthy aggression and starts at birth.  I also discussed how problems develop when healthy aggression is short circuited at a young age and continues into adulthood.  In this article, Part 2 of this topic, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate those issues.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt 

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt
Beth began attending psychotherapy after she was passed over for a promotion that she felt sure she was going to get but didn't.  Instead, a colleague, Karen, who used Beth's ideas and presented them to their director as if these ideas were her own, got the promotion that Beth wanted so much.

Beth told her psychotherapist that other colleagues, who knew that Karen took Beth's ideas, told Beth that she should speak with her director and let him know what happened.  But Beth felt too uncomfortable doing that.  She didn't want to "make waves" at the office, so she remained silent.

Beth also told her therapist that other colleagues, who were on the same level as Beth, often dumped projects they didn't want onto Beth to free themselves up for more interesting projects--projects that Beth would like to work on but couldn't because she was weighed down with the less interesting projects.  Friendly colleagues urged her to speak up, but Beth said she was too uncomfortable to assert herself, so she did nothing.

She had been with her company for a little over a year, and she was aware that she was getting a reputation for being a doormat--someone that certain colleagues could take advantage of because they knew she wouldn't stand up for herself.

She was also aware that if she continued to allow others to take advantage of her, her situation at work would only get worse.  She told her psychotherapist that she didn't know how to change these situations, but she wanted to learn how to do it.

As Beth and her psychotherapist explored her family history, Beth revealed that she was raised by a single mother who controlled almost every aspect of Beth's life until Beth moved out five years ago when she turned 25.  Even now that she was living on her own, Beth said, her mother still tried to control certain areas of Beth's life.

She told her therapist that when she told her mother that she was moving out five years ago, her mother was upset.  Her mother told her that she could save so much more money if she continued to live at home.  Beth told her that she wanted to have her own place.  Her mother knew there was nothing she could to stop Beth, but she told Beth, "Okay, go ahead and move out, but you might not find me here one day.  I'm not going to live forever, you know."

Beth was alarmed to hear her mother say this.  She also felt ashamed of her desire to be on her own and guilty for hurting her mother.  This made moving out so much more difficult, but Beth knew it was time to be on her own.  She didn't know how she did it, but she found the courage to move out, even though she felt ashamed of her need to do this and guilty for hurting her mother.

As she recalled her childhood, she told her psychotherapist that she remembered so many other memories of her mother being very uncomfortable when Beth tried to be more independent--from the time she was a young girl wanting to pick out her own clothes to wear to her mother's dismay when Beth told her that she wanted to learn to drive when she was 17.

She told her therapist that her close friends from adolescence, who remained her close friends now, always urged her to stand up to her mother, but Beth felt too guilty to confront her mother.  She was so aware that as single mother, her mother sacrificed a lot for her.  She felt it would be a form of betrayal if she confronted her mother, and she knew her mother would see it that way too.

And, yet, there was another part of her that wanted to be able to stand up to her mother so she wouldn't feel so dominated by her mother.  She would often imagine herself telling her mother that she needed to feel more independent, especially now that she was 30.  But whenever she imagined speaking to her mother about this, she could see how hurt and disappointed her mother looked, and she felt she couldn't risk hurting her mother.  So, her dilemma remained (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Beth's psychotherapist listened empathically and understood that Beth was very ambivalent about what to do.  On the one hand, Beth wanted to feel more autonomous and in control of her life.  But on the other hand, Beth worried that she would hurt her mother.  She felt like she had to either choose to honor her own needs or honor her mother's needs, and she didn't know what to do.

Beth had a lot of insight into her problems, even before she came to therapy.  She knew that her problems with asserting herself were related to her lifelong avoidance of confrontations which were rooted in her relationship with her mother.  She knew, on some level, that she was suppressing her anger, but she couldn't feel it.  She was insightful, but she just didn't know how to make changes.

Listening to Beth, her psychotherapist recognized that there were times when Beth asserted herself, like when she moved out of her mother's place.  So she explained to Beth that everyone is made up of different, and sometimes contradictory, aspects of themselves.  And, her therapist explained, Beth had a part of her that knew how to assert herself--she just didn't know how to access this part of herself (see my articles: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation and Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Using a combination of clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Beth's therapist helped Beth to go back into the memories of the times when she was able to assert herself with her mother.  At the same time that her psychotherapist helped Beth to access that assertive part of herself, she also helped Beth to manage the guilt and shame that also came up.

Over time, Beth was able to access this more assertive part of herself on her own.  As Beth got more comfortable calling on this more assertive part of herself, her psychotherapist recommended that she practice using this in ways that didn't feel too difficult.  She taught Beth how to put her shame and guilt aside in order to assert herself in small ways at work.

Then, when Beth was more comfortable, her psychotherapist urged her to be more assertive in other more complicated situations at work--like when her colleague tried to use more of Beth's ideas and say that they were hers.  This was more challenging for Beth, but she did it anyway and felt good about herself afterwards.

Over time, Beth was also getting more comfortable and confident with presenting her ideas to her director, especially after she received very positive feedback from the director.

The most challenging ordeal was asserting herself with her mother, who would often come over to Beth's apartment unannounced.  One day, Beth's mother came over when Beth was having dinner with a man she started dating.  Her first inclination was to let her mother in, but then she realized that this would be awkward and it would ruin her date with this man.

So, gathering her courage, she told her mother that she had come at a bad time and she would call her tomorrow.  Her mother, who refused to accept that Beth was an adult--much less as a sexual being, got angry and she left abruptly.  After her mother left, Beth calmed herself and she went back to be with her date.

During her next psychotherapy session, Beth told her therapist that she was able to set a boundary with her mother, but she felt very guilty and ashamed.  She said that she almost called her mother the next day to apologize, but when she thought about how her therapist would respond to this, she decided not to do it (see my article: How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapist).

Beth's psychotherapist understood that there was still much unfinished business from Beth's early childhood, so she recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to work on Beth's unresolved trauma (see my articles: How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain and What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?).

Several months later, Beth was able to work through her childhood trauma with EMDR therapy.  She felt a lot of compassion for her mother, but she no longer felt shame for having her own needs or guilt for asserting herself with her mother.

She also continued to assert herself at work, and she was promoted a year later into a senior position with a substantial raise.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Most important of all, Beth no longer feared her anger.  She understood that her anger and its related healthy aggression could be used to mobilize herself to be assertive (see my article: Using Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life).

Conclusion
Fear of anger is often coupled with shame and guilt, and these problems are often rooted in early childhood when parents don't allow children to use their healthy aggression to be more autonomous in an age-appropriate way.

Without help, these problems continue into adulthood and usually have a negative impact on your career and personal life.

No matter what kinds of problems you might be having, like everyone else, in order to survive, you have positive internal resources, including various aspects of yourself that have helped you throughout your life.  You might not be aware of these aspects or, if you are, you might not know how to access them on your own to use them now.

Getting Help in Therapy
A psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis and a mind-body oriented modality, like Somatic Experiencing, can help you to access the positive aspects of yourself so you can overcome your problems(see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

In addition, EMDR therapy can help you to overcome unresolved trauma from the past that keeps you stuck now.

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can overcome your history and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome problems that keep them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

In prior articles, How to Recognize Passive Aggressive Behavior and How to Change Passive Aggressive Behavior, I discussed passive aggressive behavior in relationships.  In this article, I'm discussing how to deal with family members who make passive aggressive remarks and try to pass it off with saying, "I was only telling you for your own good" or "I was only joking."

What is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive aggressive behavior is a tendency to engage in indirect, thinly veiled hostile behavior.  This includes making insulting remarks, sulking, sullen behavior, stubbornness or delaying (or not doing) tasks that were agreed upon.

Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments to You

The following fictional vignette illustrates how family members make passive aggressive comments:

Fictional Vignette: Coping With Family Members Who Make Passive Aggressive Comments:

Rita
Before Rita went home for the holidays, she told her parents and her younger sister that she decided to stop drinking because she realized that she was drinking too much lately.  She knew that her family tended to drink a lot during the holidays, and she didn't want to be pressured to drink, so she let them know in advance to avoid the pressure.

When Rita arrived at her parents home, her sister, Ann, opened the door with a cocktail in hand and told Rita to help herself to whatever alcoholic drink she wanted.

Feeling annoyed, Rita reminded Ann that she was not drinking.  Ann rolled her eyes at Rita, "Oh, you're not going to be any fun.  It's the holidays.  Everyone drinks on the holidays.  You can have just one drink, can't you?"

Rita ignored her sister, but her sister persisted by enlisting their mother, "Mom, can you believe Rita's not drinking?"

Their mother, who also had a drink in her hand, smiled, "Rita, don't be a bore.  Make yourself a drink."

Rita felt so angry that she was shaking and on the verge of tears, "For once, I wish you two would hear me.  I've been drinking too much lately and I want to stop"(see my articles: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits and How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits).

Ann laughed and waved her hand at Rita in a dismissive manner, "Don't be so dramatic.  I just want you to have a good time.  Don't take it so seriously."

Their mother joined in and said to Ann, "Rita has always been so serious.  Now, look at her long face."

When Rita angrily put her coat back on and started for the door, her mother said, "Oh come on.  You're not really leaving, are you?  I was just kidding."

But Rita was too angry to stick around, so she got back in her car and drove home with tears in her eyes the entire way.

During her next psychotherapy session, she spoke with her psychotherapist about her mother's and sister's passive aggressive comments and how much they hurt her.

Rita's therapist acknowledged that her family's remarks were passive aggressive and they talked about how Rita could deal with these kinds of remarks the next time that she visited her parents' home (see below).

How to Cope With Your Family Members' Passive Aggressive Comments
The following suggestions can be used for anyone that you encounter who makes passive aggressive remarks:

• Stay Calm:  Although it can be difficult to stay calm when family members make thinly veiled hostile remarks, it's important to keep your cool so you can think about what you're saying and your response doesn't make matters worse.  If you can't stay calm in the moment, take a break and then speak to your family once you're composed.

• Confront the Passive Aggressive Behavior By Setting Boundaries:   While remaining calm, confront the passive aggressive behavior and set boundaries with your family. "Confronting" doesn't mean that you're aggressive or offensive.  It means that you're asserting yourself in a healthy way.  Why assert yourself?  If you don't your family members will continue to speak to you in thinly hostile ways.  In addition, if you don't address this behavior, their remarks might erode your self esteem.  You will also harbor unspoken resentments, which can come out in your own passive aggressive or sarcastic comments.  This only makes things worse (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries).

• Let Your Family Know What You Consider to Be Unacceptable:  Rather than hoping that your family will understand without being told, calmly and tactfully let your family members know what is and isn't acceptable to you.  For example, if your mother tends to make passive aggressive remarks about your weight, let her know that her remarks hurt your feelings and that you don't want to hear them.  She might respond by making another passive aggressive remark, like, "I'm only telling you for your own good."  But don't buy it.  While you're not trying to change her, you need to stick up for yourself.  Be very clear and specific about the type of topics that you don't want to discuss and stick with it--even if you have to tell your family members a few times.

• Ask Them If There's Something They Would Like to Discuss More Directly:  There are often other issues brewing underneath passive aggressive comments.  Sometimes, it's completely unrelated to whatever they're saying to you.  They might still be angry about something that happened years ago and they're seizing on a passive aggressive remark to even the score--whether they realize it or not.  By offering to address whatever might be bothering them, you're letting your family know that you're open to hearing about things that might be bothering them that could be lurking underneath their hostile remarks.

• Have a Direct Discussion With Your Family Members and Clear the Air:  If your family is open to admitting that there are other issues involved, have a direct discussion and clear the air.  It's better to clear up old unfinished business than to continue to be subjected to passive aggressive behavior.

Conclusion
People who make passive aggressive remarks often don't know how to communicate directly, so they use an indirect and hurtful way of communicating, namely, passive aggressive comments.

Whether they realize it or not, passive aggressive remarks can be sadistic and hurtful.  These remarks often cause rifts in families.

You will need to assert yourself in a tactful and calm way to set boundaries.  This needs to be done in person--not by email, text or over the phone.  Anything other than face-to-face communication will be less effective.

Remember that you have a right to stick up for yourself.  You're not trying to change them.  You're setting boundaries, letting them know what's acceptable and what's not, asking them to respect your feelings and your wishes, and you're setting boundaries.

Getting Help in Therapy
Confronting passive aggressive behavior and setting boundaries with family members can be difficult, especially if there is a long history of problems.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help to address these issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you have been assertive and set boundaries with your family, you'll feel better about yourself and you will have grown in a way that you didn't think possible before.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who provides integrative psychotherapy in a dynamic and collaborate way (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

One of the benefits of attending psychotherapy is that you learn so much about yourself, your relationships and the world around you (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).  Another benefits is that when you have a good relationship with your psychotherapist, you internalize your experience of your therapist.  I'm addressing this internalization process in this article and how it's beneficial to clients in therapy.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

The relationship that you have with a psychotherapist is unlike any other relationship in your life.  Aside from the fact that you have a regular time and place that's just for you every week, the focus is on you and the changes you want to make in your life.

People begin psychotherapy for all different reasons.  Some people come because they have longstanding psychological trauma that's interfering with their life and they want to free themselves from the effect of the trauma (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma in Psychotherapy: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Other people are interested in personal growth or performance enhancement.  Their lives are basically going well, but they believe there are areas where they can improve either in their personal life or in their career.

Regardless of what brings a client to therapy, part of psychotherapy is a learning process.  While it's not the same as being in a classroom, a skilled therapist will provide clients with psychoeducation about the therapeutic process as well as ways that clients can improve their life (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

In addition to psychoeducation, clients also internalize their experiences of their psychotherapists and, it's a good match, the client benefits from this process.

Let's take a look at a fictional vignette which illustrates how this internalization process in therapy usually works:

Fictional Vignette: How Clients Internalize What They Learn in Psychotherapy:

Jack
Jack started therapy because he was having problems setting boundaries with his mother, and it was affecting his relationship (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere With Your Relationship).

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

The main problem was that Jack, who was in his early 30s, had problems setting limits with his mother, who continually attempted to interfere in Jack's relationship with his girlfriend, Cathy.

Even though Jack didn't like that his mother constantly interfered in their lives, he didn't know how to talk to his mother about this, which annoyed Cathy.

Whenever Jack and Cathy came home from a visit to see his mother, Cathy would be fuming and Jack would feel ashamed that he couldn't bring himself to talk to his mother about her constant interference.

Jack and Cathy were talking about getting married, but Cathy told him that she didn't know if she could handle his mother's constant interference, which she assumed would only increase if they were married with children.  So, Jack knew he needed to address his fear of asserting himself with his mother because if he didn't, his relationship with Cathy might end.

Jack told his psychotherapist that he didn't experience any major trauma or loss as a child.  He described a fairly stable family.  He was the younger of two sons who grew up on the Upper West side of Manhattan.

The one issue that was constant throughout his life was that his mother tended to dominate everyone's life in the family.  She was also highly critical and she would give many reasons why she thought Jack and other family members were "wrong" and she was "right."

Jack's father was happy to allow the mother to control the family finances and to have the final say on all major family decisions.  His mother also became the family matriarch for her siblings after their mother died, so she was used to being in charge.

Jack's brother, Ted, resented the mother's domineering personality.  He and the mother would constantly argue.  By the time Ted left for college, he and the mother were barely speaking.  Once Ted graduated college, he moved out with his college roommates and only came to visit on holidays.  Even now, Ted's relationship with the mother was strained.

Jack quietly observed his older brother's relationship with their mother, and witnessing their battles left him feeling even more intimidated about being assertive with his mother.

As Jack and his therapist worked together, he realized that his mother's attitude that she "always knew best" undermined his self confidence and left him feeling that she was probably "right" so he couldn't assert himself.

Since the holidays were coming up, Jack told his therapist that he dreaded having to tell his mother that he and Cathy would be there for Christmas day, but they were spending Christmas Eve with Cathy's family.

On the one hand, he knew his mother would be upset.  On the other hand, he knew that Cathy would be angry if he tried to convince her to spend part of Christmas Eve at his parents' home just to appease his mother.  He told his therapist that he didn't blame Cathy.  He blamed himself.

Jack acknowledged that he thought the way that he and Cathy decided to split the time between their families was fair, but he didn't know what to say to his mother.  He feared alienating her.

Jack's therapist suggested that they use Ego States Therapy to see if there was a part of him that felt courageous enough to stand up to his mother (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are and How Your Shifting Self States Can Affect You For Better or Worse).

So, while Jack was in a relaxed state, his therapist asked him to remember a time when he stood up for himself.

At first, Jack couldn't think of anything, but then he remembered a time when he was a teenager and he stood up to a bully in high school who was bothering Jack's best friend.  At the time, Jack surprised himself by confronting the bully, telling him to back down and watching the bully defer to Jack and walk away.

Jack told his therapist that it felt good to remember how courageous and powerful he felt that day.  His therapist told him that she noticed that when he talked about standing up to the bully that his demeanor changed--his eyes were shinning with pride, he sat up straighter and his chest was out.  Even his voice was different--it was stronger with a confident tone.

When his therapist asked Jack to stay with that feeling and enhance it by seeing what else he was feeling, Jack said he was feeling much more powerful than how he felt before he recalled this memory.

Jack's psychotherapist explained to him that this courageous part was an aspect of himself and that they could continue to work to enhance that part.  She also asked Jack to keep a journal to write down every time he was aware of accessing this courageous part of himself in his daily life.

As Jack worked in therapy to enhance the courageous part of himself, he noticed a shift in how he was feeling.  Between sessions, he remembered his therapist's words about how he could continue to work between sessions to strengthen this aspect of himself, and these words encouraged him to continue to work at it.  Remembering his therapist's words was part of his internalization process of his therapist.

As the holidays got closer, Jack continued to talk to his therapist about how he could deal with his mother's insistence that he and Cathy come on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

Even though Jack was feeling more confident about it, he still struggled with ambivalence.  He told his therapist that he wasn't sure if he was ready to stand up to his mother, and he wondered if maybe he and Cathy could go along with his mother's wishes just this one time.

His psychotherapist responded by telling Jack that if he didn't assert himself this time, based on what he told her about how Cathy felt, he might be endangering his relationship, aside from continuing to make himself small by always acceding to his mother's demands.

When his mother called Jack to finalize the details of the holiday plans, before he responded to his mother on the phone, he summoned that courageous part of himself that he worked in therapy to enhance.  He also remembered what his psychotherapist told him.  Not only did he remember his therapist's words, he also felt, in a way, that she was with him, as if she were standing beside him and encouraging him.

Accessing the courageous part of himself and his sense of his psychotherapist, he told his mother what he and Cathy decided about the holidays.

At first, there was silence.  Then, his mother protested that she expected them to come to the house on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and she wouldn't hear of anything different.  Jack responded by standing his ground.  He told his mother that he didn't want to argue with her about it, but he and Cathy had an obligation to Cathy's family too and they already made their plans.

His mother sounded surprised and unhappy, but she told him that he and Cathy should do whatever they wanted to do.

When Jack returned to his next therapy session, he told his therapist how proud he felt that he asserted himself with his mother.  He also said that Cathy was happy and gave him a big hug after the phone call with his mother.

How Clients Internalize Their Experience of Their Psychotherapists

Jack told his therapist that he intentionally summoned his the courageous part of himself because this is what he and his therapist planned when they discussed talking to his mother about the holiday.  But he was surprised that he had such a strong sense of his therapist while he was talking to his mother.

His therapist told Jack that this is common in therapy: Clients internalize their psychotherapists on an unconscious level so that, at various times, they get a sense of what their therapists would say or do in a particular situation and they're able to use that to deal with the situation.

She also explained that sometimes this phenomenon occurred without an idea of what the therapist might say or do--it was more of a feeling.  She said Jack that this seems to be what happened with Jack at the point when he was facing the challenging situation with his mother.

Jack continued to work on asserting himself with his mother.  He was tactful and respectful with her, but he also stood his ground.  Whenever he needed to, he called on the courageous part of himself and his internalized sense of his psychotherapist to help him.  Over time, his mother resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to be able to dominate him anymore.

Conclusion
In the vignette above, the psychotherapist helped Jack to access a courageous part of himself through Ego States therapy that he was barely remembered before he started therapy.  He was able to recall, enhance and use this part of himself to overcome his problem.  In addition, since Jack and his therapist had a good rapport, he was also able to access his internalized sense of his therapist to help him.

No matter what the issue, most clients, who have a good rapport with their therapists, experience this internalization of their therapists and they are able to use it to make changes in their life.

Getting Help in Therapy
Clients are often surprised by what they learn and how they change in therapy.

Part of the learning involves an internalized sense of their psychotherapist.  Whether it's a conscious sense of what the therapist might do or say in a particular situation or a more general sense, this helps the client to deal with difficult situations.

For many clients, this internalized sense of the therapist helps so they don't feel alone with their problems.

If you've been struggling with problems that you've been unable to overcome on your own, you owe it to yourself seek out a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you're free from the obstacles that have been in your way, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works collaboratively with clients and uses an integrative approach in therapy to develop the treatment plan that works best for each client (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself

As children, many people are taught that they have to put others before themselves, even when it's to their own detriment.  Growing up with this perspective makes it difficult as an adult to be assertive because to put yourself first feels like you're being a "bad person" (see my articles: Assertiveness: Learning to Say "No").

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

No one wants to feel that they are a mean or hurtful person, but there also needs to be a way for people to take care of their own well-being while also considering others.

When there's a pattern of putting other people's feelings and well-being above your own, you often feel conflicted about what to do when a situation arises where there is a conflict between what you need and what the other person needs.

If you are stuck in this pattern, as a way to avoid feeling the conflict, you might numb yourself emotionally so that you tell yourself that you don't know what you want or need (see my article: Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Avoidance).

For many people that feels preferable than to say "no" to someone else.

This often leads to many unhappy consequences and overall avoidance of possible conflictual situations.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario that demonstrates these dynamics:

Gina
Gina grew up in a home where her parents taught her that it was "always better to give than to receive."

During the Christmas holidays, Gina's parents encouraged her to give whatever gifts she received to the local children's donation center.  After a while, Gina unconsciously taught herself to stop wanting toys because she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep them.

Her parents also taught her that she should always put other people's needs first before her own.

Later on as an adult, Gina had a hard time saying "no" when she really didn't want to do something. People who knew her knew that she would always say "yes" and they made many demands on her.

As a result, she often felt bombarded by the many requests that she received from others and exhausted by her own internal conflicts about it.

She felt guilty and like a "bad person" for even having internal conflicts about not wanting to agree to her friends and family's demands.  She felt that a good person would gladly do for others without feeling conflicted.

The result was that, even though she tried to avoid feeling like a "bad person" by complying with others' demands, she still felt like a "bad person" for even having negative thoughts about it (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Gina's internal turmoil developed into medical problems, including frequent headaches and stomach problems.  Being sick was the only time that Gina felt it was alright to turn down other people's requests.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

At the time, Gina didn't understand the mind-body connection and how her body was telling her that there was a problem with the way she was sacrificing herself for other people (see my article:

When her doctor eliminated any physical reasons or why Gina was having headaches and stomach problems, she recommended that Gina seek help in therapy to understand if there were emotional issue that were contributing to her medical problems (see my article: Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Although the connection between the mind and the body was a new concept for Gina at the time, she listened to her doctor and sought help in therapy.

In therapy, Gina began to make connections between what she was taught as a child and her current problems as an adult.

This was the first time that she was able to say out loud that she was tired of acceding to others' demands all the time, but she felt it was the "right thing" to do.  She was in such anguish about this conflict that she didn't know what to do.

Her therapist helped her to look at her dynamic as if she was someone else.  In other words, would Gina feel this way if her best friend told her about this same problem.

Being able to externalize the problem was helpful to Gina, and she agreed that she would not think her best friend was a "bad person" if she said "no" to someone in order to take care of herself.

Even though Gina was able to see the distortion in her thinking, her childhood upbringing still had a powerful hold on her.

Over time, Gina was able to see that how self destructive this distortion was for her health and overall well-being.  She also saw that she was unconsciously somatizing her problems (getting sick) in order to avoid doing things she really didn't want to do, and this wasn't a good solution to her problems.

Gradually, Gina practiced saying "no" in situations with people who weren't close to her for small issues.  At first, this was very uncomfortable, but Gina knew that she needed to do this for herself.

Gina and her therapist also did trauma work for the unmet needs of her younger self, the child who learned to sacrifice at too young an age.

Gina understood that her parents were well meaning, but their beliefs were harmful to her, and she needed to develop her own beliefs as an adult.

As Gina continued to practice asserting herself, over time, she got more comfortable with it and she no longer felt like a "bad person."

She also felt more alive emotionally and physically and more aware of what she really wanted and didn't want.

Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Preventing You From Asserting Yourself?

When she did do things for other people willingly and without undue sacrifice to herself, she did these things with more joy.

Conclusion
Underlying many people's inability to assert themselves is a fear of being a "bad person."

This belief is often internalized at a young age and hard to overcome on your own.

The conflict between not wanting to acceded to someone else's wishes and feeling like a "bad person" is often very difficult to bear and many people unconsciously numb themselves to their own desires as a way to not dealing with the conflict.

Due to the mind-body connection, unresolved emotional problems can develop into medical problems, like headaches, high blood pressure, and other medical issues.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting to the root of the problem is the first step in overcome a problem with being assertive.

Working on the underlying emotional trauma is usually necessary so that it doesn't keep getting in the way of your making healthy changes.

When you're ready, taking action is the next step to learn how to be assertive in a healthy way.

If you have trouble asserting yourself, rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the underlying issues so you can begin to take care of yourself and lead a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.