Setting Boundaries: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family

I began a discussion about enmeshment in an earlier article, Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Topics in the Current Article

In the current article, I'm covering:

• What is Enmeshment?
• What Causes Enmeshment in Families?
• How to Overcome Enmeshment
• Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Enmeshment

What is Enmeshment?

If you grew up in an enmeshed family you probably had at least some of the following issues:

• There was a lack of physical and emotional boundaries.

• There was a tendency to focus on what's best for other family members and not what's best for you.

• You put other family members' happiness above your own.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• You feel guilt and shame, as an adult, if you put your needs above other family members. For instance,  you might not want to call your mother every week, but you feel guilty and ashamed if you don't because you know she wants you to call weekly.

• Your family's self worth is dependent upon your success.

• Your family expects you to share everything about your life--even things you might want to keep private. They get offended if you say something in your life is private.

• Your family might have imposed their ideas on you when you were a young adult instead of encouraging you to follow your own hopes and dreams. If you wanted to follow your own aspirations, they felt offended and you felt guilty and ashamed.

• Parents in enmeshed families tend to treat their children like friends instead of children because there is a lack of boundaries.

• You tend to avoid conflicts, even now as an adult, because you have difficulty setting limits.

• You lack a strong sense of who you are.

• You absorb other people's emotions around you because you lack appropriate boundaries (this is different from being an empath).

What Causes Enmeshment in Families?

Enmeshment usually develops in dysfunctional families and repeats the pattern from one generation to the next (see my article: 

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

It can be difficult to pinpoint when an enmeshed family dynamic started since it might go back generations and family members often have little to no awareness about the enmeshment.

Enmeshment often develops due to unresolved trauma, mental health problems, substance abuse, compulsive gambling or other related issues.

What is the Impact of Enmeshment in Adult Relationships?

The following characteristics are common for adults who grew up in enmeshed families?

• Low self esteem
  

• Anxiety
  

• Fear of abandonment
  

• Being out of touch with your feelings

• Feeling burdened by guilt and shame

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

• An overdeveloped sense of responsibility

• Poor personal boundaries

• Difficulty setting boundaries with others

• Codependency
  

• Difficulty with assertiveness

• Difficulty with emotional regulation 

• Difficulty calming or soothing yourself emotionally

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the negative impact of enmeshed family dynamics and how psychotherapy can help:

Maria

Maria grew up in crowded family home where she shared a bed with her two older sisters. She had no privacy. 

When Maria was 15 years old, her oldest sister found Maria's diary, she read it to their parents, grandparents and siblings and they laughed at what Maria wrote about feeling sad.

Her parents and grandparents invalidated her feelings and told her she had nothing to feel sad about since she had a roof over her head, food and clothing.  They told her that only someone who had something terrible to hide from the family would even want to write in a diary.  Then, her father tore up her diary and threw it in the garbage. He told her she should be ashamed of herself for what she wrote.

When she turned 16 years old, Maria's maternal uncle, who came to live with her family, began touching her inappropriately when no one was around. He told her that he would hurt her sisters if she told anyone about the sexual abuse (see my article: Overcoming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse).

One day her mother happened to come home early and she found her brother touching Maria's breasts. She threw her brother out of the house and she also blamed Maria for the sexual abuse.  

She told Maria it was her fault that the uncle touched her inappropriately. Then, she made Maria promise not to tell Maria's father because she feared what he might do to the uncle if he found out.

When it was time for Maria to choose a major in college, her parents insisted that she become a teacher--even though Maria wanted to become a medical doctor. Her parents told her that women shouldn't become doctors because they would have to see men's naked bodies and this was shameful for a woman.

Maria was upset that her parents were trying to force her to choose a career she didn't want so she sought help from a professor who referred her to the college counseling center.  

In counseling, Maria learned to set boundaries with her family--even though they didn't like it and they threatened to stop paying her tuition.

Overcoming Enmeshment in Your Family

Her counselor helped Maria to get a scholarship and a room in a dorm so she could live independently from her family.  She took pre-med courses and, eventually, she went to medical school.

While she was in medical school, she sought help from a trauma therapist so she could deal with the impact of her enmeshed family, including the sexual abuse.

Even though her family didn't like that Maria was making her own decisions and setting boundaries with them, they accepted it reluctantly.  

While she was in medical school, Maria met her husband-to-be and she learned to have a healthy relationship with him with the tools she learned in therapy.

How to Overcome Enmeshment

To become a mature adult, children need to learn to become their own person at stages that are appropriate for their development at the time.  This is part of the individuation process.

Individuation means being your own person and not just an extension of your parents and other family members.

When you are appropriately individuated from your family, you can maintain your relationships with them with appropriate boundaries. You also learn how to be your own person physically, emotionally and psychologically.

To overcome enmeshment, you need to learn to:

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Discover who you are as an individual apart from your family.

• Learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty if what's right for you might make your family unhappy.

• Get help in therapy when trying to overcome enmeshment becomes too challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming enmeshment can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional with the right expertise can help you to develop the skills you need to overcome enmeshment and develop healthier relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma, including enmeshed relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.