Are You Feeling Like a Failure Because You Can't "Fix" a Loved One?

It's incredibly difficult to stand by and watch an adult you love engage in self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. You can feel helpless and hopeless, so your inclination might be to try to "fix" your loved one in whatever way you think you can.

You Can't "Fix" a Loved One

Loving someone deeply can trick you into believing that you have the power to control and change their behavior. But you can't "fix" a loved one because they're not an object that needs to be repaired. 

If you're confusing your deep love with a duty to "cure" a loved one, you can end up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally depleted. 

Why Are You Feeling This Way?

There can be a few reasons why you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to control or change a loved one you care about--whether it's a parent, sibling, adult child or close friend:

• The Savior Illusion: You might mistakenly believe that if your love is strong enough, it can override their emotional pain or trauma.

• Internalizing Your Loved One's Chaos: You might be treating their problems like it's a reflection on your worth or effort.

• Control Feels Like Comfort: Trying to "fix" them is often a coping mechanism to erase your own discomfort with their suffering.

How Can You Shift From Trying to "Fix" to Trying to Support Them?

To protect your own well-being and build a healthier dynamic between you and your loved one, consider shifting from your approaching of attempting to "fix" to being emotionally supportive.

Take a look at the examples below and notice the difference between trying to "fix" and being emotionally supportive:

• Trying to "Fix": Offering unsolicited advice (e.g., "You're drinking too much" or "You're spending too much money on unimportant things and not paying your bills").

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Asking if they want help and, if so, how they want to be helped: "Do you want me to listen?" (see my article: Ask Your Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Trying to "Fix": Sacrificing your boundaries to shield them from consequences.

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Focus on yourself and your own well-being and be an attuned listener for your loved one.

• Trying to "Fix": Trying to force change or manage their life (e.g., making excuses to their manager when they don't show up for work or paying their overdue bills).

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Instead of making excuses for them, create a safe, non-judgmental environment where change is possible if they choose to change.

Reminders to Maintain Your Own Well-Being

• Separate Love From Rescue: You can love someone without carrying the burden of trying to save them.

• Be Aware That You're Not Failing: Instead of feeling like you're failing, recognize that you're hitting the natural limit of what one human being can do for another.

• Let Go and Grieve The Expectation: Let go of unrealistic expectations of trying to "fix" your loved one. Allow yourself to mourn the version of the relationship you wish you could have with them. 

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:

Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:

Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.

You Can't "Fix" Your Loved One

Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt. 

He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.

When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.

The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).

Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.  

Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.

Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.

With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off. 

This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.

When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.

Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).

In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.

A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems. 

As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.

By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.

Conclusion

It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help. 

The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.

Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.

Get Help in Therapy

Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family 

Intergenerational Dynamics 

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

I have written about setting healthy boundaries and putting up defensive walls in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?

People often confuse healthy boundaries and putting up walls, so let's explore the difference between the two.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

The primary difference is that healthy boundaries are meant to protect connection between two or more people and putting up walls prevents connection.

The description below is a comparison between the two:

Core Motivation

• Healthy Boundaries: Self respect and love
• Putting Up Walls: Fear and self preservation

Communication

• Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are explicit and clear
• Putting Up Walls: Walls are silent withdrawal or shutting down emotionally

Flexibility

• Healthy Boundaries: Permeable, situational and adaptive
• Putting Up Walls: Rigid, static and absolute

Relational Goal

• Healthy Boundaries: Show others where the "door" is
• Putting Up Walls: Lock others out indiscriminately

Personal Outcome

• Healthy Boundaries: Closeness, peace and security
• Putting Up Walls: isolation, loneliness and hypervigilance

Let's take a look at each one individually:

Healthy Boundaries

• Driven By Self Respect: Boundaries define what is okay and what is not based on your values, comfort level and energy.

• The "Doorway" Concept: A boundary acts as a "door' with instructions. It lets people know exactly how they can interact and achieve emotional intimacy with you. 

• Highly Communicative: Boundaries are explicitly defined. An example would be, "I want to talk about this, but I need us to speak calmly. If either of us raises our voices, I'm going to step away for 20 minutes to cool down before I come back and we resume our discussion."

• Context-Dependent: Boundaries can shift depending on trust, safety and the specific person involved.

Putting Up Walls

• Driven By Fear: Walls are defensive barriers which are often related to unresolved psychological wounds or, possibly, exhaustion.

Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls

• Total Blockage: Instead of regulating the flow of the relationship, walls shut the external world out. Putting up walls assumes that vulnerability equals danger.

• Shutdown: Walls rarely come with clear, healthy communication. They can manifest as the "silent treatment", emotional coldness, ghosting or stonewalling

• Rigid and Indiscriminate: A wall implies a blanket rule for everyone. For example, "Everyone always let me down, so I'm never opening up to anyone."

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can learn to take down their wall and learn to set healthy boundaries:

Eric

After a woman he was dating, Paula, told Eric that she found him hard to get to know because of the rigid walls he maintained, Eric decided to seek help in therapy to work on this issue. 

Other women had told him the same thing in the past and, since he really liked Paula, he knew his relationship with her wouldn't work out if he continued to be defensive.

Initially, Eric sought help in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) because he wanted quick tools for overcoming his problem. 

But, even after Eric developed insight in CBT into his problems and learned tools and strategies to open up, he didn't feel any more comfortable opening up (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Realizing that insight wasn't enough, Eric asked his friends to find about other types of therapy options he try and his closest friend suggested that he try one of the Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

After Eric looked around, he began working with an Experiential Therapist who did IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy which is also known as Parts Work Therapy or Ego States Therapy.

Eric immediately noticed the difference. He and his IFS therapist worked on a much deeper level to help him understand why he kept walls up in his relationships with women and, more importantly, how he could learn to take down the walls and develop healthy boundaries.

IFS therapy didn't turn out to be the "quick fix" Eric hoped for, but he was gradually making progress which Paula noticed. He was able to communicate with her in a more open and flexible way. As a result, their relationship deepened and grew.

He also worked through the unresolved complex trauma that caused him to build walls with women in the first place.

Eric also learned to distinguish when he was safe with others and when he needed to set firmer boundaries. For instance, he learned to set firmer boundaries with certain family members who tended to say hurtful things to him and he felt proud of himself for that.

Conclusion

Many people confuse setting healthy boundaries with putting up walls.

Putting up walls is often the result of unresolved trauma.

Change happens on an emotional level which is why traditional talk therapy often doesn't resolve trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Experiential therapy, which includes IFS, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing as well as other similar therapies, can help you to go beyond just developing insight so that you can make significant emotional and psychological changes in your life.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you are struggling in your relationships because you tend to put up walls, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential Therapist so you can have healthier relationships and have live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone conversation before I set up a first appointment.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships 

Overcoming Share in an Enmeshed Family 

What Are the Unspoken Expectations Between Some Mothers and Adult Daughters? 

Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship 

Emotional Numbing: The Wall That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

How Therapy Can Help You With the Walls You Have Built Around Yourself  

 

Relationships: Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Implicit Betrayals?

Implicit betrayals in relationships refers to subtle, non-physical violations of trust that break unspoken expectations in a relationship. 

Unlike affairs, implicit betrayals are often dismissed or rationalized, but they can be just as damaging to emotional intimacy and traumatic in a relationship.

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

What Are Examples of Implicit Betrayals?

• Emotional Affairs: Forming a deep intimate or romantic connection with someone else and hiding it from the partner (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

• Contempt and Disrespect: Humiliating a partner in front of others including eye rolling, using sarcasm or mocking a partner (see my articles: Improve Communication By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse" and Belittling Behavior).

Coping With Implicit Betrayals

• Withholding Affection or Stonewalling: Consistently refusing to communicate, withholding affection or shutting down during a conflict in order to exert control (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Gaslighting: Manipulating a partner into questioning their own memory, perception or sanity as a way to avoid accountability (see my article: The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting as Forms of Emotional and Psychological Abuse)

• Disengagement: When a partner stops caring, stops trying leaves a relationship emotionally without actually physically leaving the relationship (see my article: What is Quiet Quiting in a Relationship?)

• Conditional Commitment: Acting as if you're only in the relationship until someone "better" comes along or frequently threatening to leave a relationship during arguments

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Siding With a Third Party: Siding with a third party, like a mother, mother-in-law, friend or another relative, against the partner

• Financial Infidelity: Keeping secret accounts, hiding debt or making big purchases and hiding it from a partner (see my article: What is Financial Infidelity?).

• Neglect and Selfishness: Consistently prioritizing hobbies, work or friends over a partner again and again

• Broken Promises: Failing to follow through on promises or commitments which erodes trust (see my article: Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity)

• Lying By Omission: Purposely hiding information to avoid conflict or hide a secret life (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission)

• Digital Infidelity: Engaging in romantic or sexual chats, virtual relationships or intense, hidden messages on social media without the other partner's agreement

What to Do If You Discover an Implicit Betrayal?

Discovering an implicit betrayal can be as damaging and traumatic as discovering a physical affair.

Since these types of betrayals often involve a "gray" areas or unspoken rules, healing requires a high level of transparency and intentional communication:

• Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognize and acknowledge that feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and shame are valid. 

• Prioritize Stabilization: Before making any long term decisions about the relationship, prioritize your immediate physical and emotional health: regular sleep, eating nutritious meals and calming your nervous system with breathing and grounding exercises.

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Avoid Self Blame: Practice self compassion rather than completely blaming yourself or feeling less worthy due to a partner's implicit betrayal.

• Establish Safety Over Trust: Rebuilding trust can take months or years, but establishing safety can occur immediately through total transparency:

• Transparency: The betraying partner offers unprompted access to electronics, location sharing, financial records or in any area where trust was betrayed.

• Honesty: All questions should be answered without defensiveness, minimization or shifting the blame onto the other partner.

• Set Clear Boundaries: Define what is acceptable behavior. This could include no contact with specific people, shared calendars and designated times to talk about the betrayal so it doesn't consume all of your time together (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

Coping With Implicit Betrayal

• Communicate Using "I" Statements: When discussing the betrayal, use non-accusatory language. For instance, say "I felt invisible to you when you shared your feelings with the other person instead of coming to me" vs. "You betrayed me".

• Evaluate the Future of the Relationship: Ask yourself these important questions to decide whether to stay or go:

• Is my partner taking responsibility without making excuses?
• Was it a one-time occurence or has it been a pattern of behavior?
• Does my partner show genuine remorse and a willingness to do the hard work involved with repairing the relationship?
• Am I staying because I want to or because I'm afraid to leave?

Get Help in Therapy

Implicit betrayals can be difficult to negotiate on your own.

Individual therapy or couples therapy can help you to work through these difficult issues. In many cases, it can be beneficial for each person to start with individual therapy and then continue in couples therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can deal with the trauma of an implicit betrayal and live a happier, more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Entitled to Set Boundaries With the People in Your Life?

Setting boundaries with the people in your life is an act of self care (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

Setting Boundaries

But if you're someone who doesn't feel entitled to set boundaries, you might feel that boundary setting is an act of aggression (see my article: What's the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?)

Self Abandonment and People Pleasing Tendencies

Not setting boundaries is often a survival strategy children learn in families where they weren't allowed to say "no". 

If you grew up in such a family, maybe you were even punished for expressing your feelings, especially if they were contrary to your parents' feelings. 

If you weren't allowed to say "no" as a child, you might have believed that you could only earn love if you were compliant with your parents' wishes. As a result, you learned self abandonment (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

Maybe you were also raised to believe you should feel guilty if you didn't comply with your parents' wishes. As a result, you might have developed people pleasing tendencies as a way to to avoid displeasing others. So, you might have learned to feel you're responsible for other people's comfort and happiness--even if it meant you neglected your own.

People who have an anxious attachment style are especially prone to fear that setting boundaries is an existential threat in terms of losing a relationship or a friendship.

Many women are socialized to believe they need to be nurturers who are "flexible" to the point where setting a boundary might be contrary to their role.

Confusion About What It Means to Set Boundaries

You might not feel entitled to set boundaries with others because you think setting boundaries means you're trying to control others. However, setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental part of self care.

Another possible problem is that you don't know what you feel so you only have a vague sense of what you're feeling at any given time so you don't know if you need to set a boundary or not.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't feel entitled to set boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through the underlying issues that are creating problems for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist who helps clients to feel empowered enough to set boundaries (see my article: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Set Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt  

How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationship

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

Recognizing when you feel safe or unsafe in interpersonal situations is important to your health, mental health and overall well-being.

Feeling Safe in Your Relationship

What is the Polyvagal Theory?

Before I provide suggestions on how to know if you're safe or unsafe, I would like to discuss the Polyvagal Theory as it relates to this topic. 

Understanding the basics of the Polyvagal Theory can also help you to understand your mental health, physical health, how you react when you feel safe and how you react when you feel unsafe.

Polyvagal theory, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, emphasizes the role of the autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, in regulating our health, mental health and overall well-being.

The theory describes physiological/psychological states underlying daily behavior, including physical and emotional challenges.

The theory helps us to understand how psychological safety, co-regulation, and connection are essential to our physical and psychological existence.

How is the Polyvagal Theory Related to the Nervous System?

The theory describes how the nervous system responses to danger: Fight, flight or freeze.

The following descriptions provide a look at the three states of the nervous system:

• Safe (Social Engagement): When you feel safe, your nervous system is calm and relaxed. You can connect with others, feel your emotions and be yourself because you're not experiencing a threat.

• Mobilization (Fight or Flight): When your nervous system detects danger in your environment, either a physical or psychological danger, it activates the fight or flight response. Your heart rate and breathing increase and adrenaline is released to prepare you to either fight the threat or escape from it.

• Immobilization: If fight or flight isn't a viable option, your nervous system moves into the immobilization or freeze response. This is a survival strategy where the body automatically shuts down, the heart and blood pressure drop and you might feel numb or disconnected. This is the "play dead" response seen in animals as their last survival response when they are faced with overwhelming danger.

In addition, over time, the Polyvagal Theory was updated to include the fawn and appeasement response.

The description I have provided above for the Polyvagal Theory is very basic. For more information and an easy way to understand the Polyvagal Theory, listen to Polyvagal Theory Made Simple by Claire Weston.

Your Nervous System Acts Like Your "Personal Surveillance System"

Your nervous system acts like your "personal surveillance system" asking the question: "Am I safe?"

When you're interacting with others, if you feel safe and calm, your social engagement system is activated because you're not experiencing a threat in the environment.

If you feel threatened either psychologically or physically, your system goes into a mobilization state while you're trying to figure out if you will need to fight or escape.  

Feeling Unsafe in Fight or Flight Response

If you can't fight because the danger is too overwhelming, your body is activated to run before you're even aware of it consciously. For instance, if you're walking down a dark street and you encounter a threatening group of people who make dangerous gestures towards you, you know you're outnumbered so all you can do is run.

Feeling Unsafe and Immobilized 

Using the same example, if you can't fight or run from the danger, your body will go into the immobilization state. This is an involuntary survival tactic when there is no escape. The immobilization state can be seen in the animal world when, for instance, a deer "plays dead" when it is about to be attacked by a tiger. This is the deer's last ditch effort to survive. The tiger will often lose interest in the deer once it "plays dead" because it prefers live prey and it knows instinctively that, if the deer is dead, dead meat might be diseased.

The immobilization response in humans allows the system to conserve energy. The numbing effect of the immobilization response can also create a decrease in the perception of pain, which can be helpful if an attack can't be avoided.

Once again, it's important to remember that this immobilization response is a survival response--it's not a conscious decision. 

How is the Immobilization Response Related to Trauma?

The immobilization response is also associated with overwhelming or traumatic events.

The following example is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Jane

One day when Jane was in the company break room, her coworker, Jim, approached her to ask her out for a date.

Since Jane wasn't interested in Jim, she looked away and told him she was too busy to go out.  

She was about to leave the break room when Jim, who was annoyed, cornered her in an aggressive way and said, "What do you mean? You don't ever have time to go out with me? Why don't you like me?"

In that moment, Jane, who had a childhood history of sexual abuse,  automatically froze. She was completely numb and dissociated because Jim's aggressive response triggered how she felt when her father abused her.  She was so numb that she couldn't think much less call out for help (see my articles: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now? and What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?).

A few seconds later, their supervisor came into the break room and realized what was happening. He told Jim to go back to his office. Then, he helped Jane to calm down. 

Afterwards, the supervisor and Jane reported the incident to human resources. Since human resources had prior similar complaints about Jim, he was terminated.

Over time, Jane realized she needed help to overcome the original abuse by her father, so she sought help in trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Trauma?).

People who don't understand the immobilization response or who have never been in a similar situation will often question why someone like Jane didn't either stand up for herself or push past Jim. But someone in Jane's situation can't fight or escape because her nervous system shut down due to prior unresolved trauma.

How to Recognize When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Interpersonal Relationships

If you want to assess whether you feel safe or unsafe in your personal relationships, you can pay attention to your internal state:

Assess Your Internal State

• Do you feel calm?

• Do you have an embodied felt sense of being safe or unsafe?

An Embodied Feeling of Calm and Safety

• Do you feel comfortable being somewhat vulnerable when it's appropriate to do so?

• Do you feel comfortable setting limits or saying "no" without expecting repercussions from the other person or feeling guilty or ashamed?

Assess Their Attitude, Behavior and Physical Cues

• Do they respect your boundaries, including your personal space and time without trying to control you?

• Do they respect your thoughts and feelings or do they try to invalidate you if they don't agree?

• Are they attentive when you speak? Do they engage in active listening? Are they there for you in good times and bad?

Active Listening

• Do their actions match their words? Are they emotionally reliable? Do they follow through with their commitments?

• Do they encourage you? Do they celebrate your successes? Do they support you when you have challenges?

• Do they handle disagreements calmly and maturely so you don't have to worry about your personal safety either on an emotional or physical level?

• What does their body language tell you about their emotional state? Pay attention to vocal tone, eye contact, posture and facial expressions because their body language can indicate whether you are safe or not.

In a future article I'll discuss why many traumatized individuals have problems detecting whether they are safe in their interpersonal relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients with these  types of problems.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can resolve your problems and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapies), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

For over 25 years I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article: What Are Glimmers and How Do They Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy?